The Adventures of Beana...

Today was a good but hectic day- and it's not even over yet!
It started- well actually yesterday never ended because sleep was non-existent last night. Both Levi and Violet didn't sleep a wink.
This morning Violet had a baby interview at YAI Gramercy school. I was very nervous- but she did amazingly!!! She was in such a great mood- waved and high-fived all the teachers and workers there- if she would've winked at them, I would've died! ha ha.
She played and interacted with the other kids. She got to check out their mini-gym and get thrown down a big slide several times. She must have thought this was the BEST PLACE EVER! She was great even when we had to leave- no tantrums!!! HOORAY!
When she got home she had ABA therapy. And after that, we headed to her occupational therapist at the sensory gym about 10 blocks away. On the way there all these kids started spontaneously throwing snow balls, that was thrown very close to Violet, Shannon and I.
Out of nowhere- I LOSE IT (hello!BIPOLAR!) I scream at the top of my lungs- I mean so loud a few blocks away heard me clearly- "HEY! DON'T YOU SEE A BABY!!!!!"
All the kids stop dead. One looks at me and says " You talkin' to me?!!!" At which point, I don't lose a beat and respond, waving my arms- being all ghetto and shit "YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!" . Shocked and a little afraid, he walked away. Later the teacher, who was behind them the whole time, scolded them.
The whole time Violet is laughing and jumping up and down in her stroller!
I think she was saying in her own way- HECK YEAH!!! My mom fucking CRAZY!!! Woohoo!
I laugh all the way to the gym. The minute we get to the gym ( 10 minutes early) she practically jumps out of her stroller and runs back and forth in the waiting area, till her therapist arrives. She then disappears down the stairs with her therapist to the gym.
While I'm waiting in the waiting room, patiently, a kid is sitting 5 inches away from me- blowing raspberries at me- for about 25 minutes! I found it funny, not rude because the kid had some sort of disability. His mom was talking to another boy's mom- and THIS was their conversation.
One boy was grabbing his mom's purse. She says to him " You like purses, huh? Are you gonna wear purses when you grow up?". To which the boy replies "uh-huh!"
She then says " Are you gonna wear a man-purse like daddy?. Actually I just give daddy my purse to hold at times while we're shopping because it's SOOOOO heavy. I mean not ALL the time but still it's too heavy for me. I don't even KNOW what I put in there!".
Yes this is a typical conversation of upper-class, upper west side moms, chatting away while their son blow raspberries at a stranger for half an hour.
Violet ended up being fantastic and energetic during her session, making her therapist extremely happy.
Right outside the gym- I realize I put my daughter's snow suit and coat on but not her shoes! Yup that's a mom for you- at times- clueless.
On the way home I stopped at Walgreen's for some things and Violet fell asleep.
She's now asleep- still in her stroller- not knowing in 10 minutes I have to wake her up for some more therapy- her speech therapy. The one she hates the most.
I still have yet to defrost meat, cook dinner, or clean or give my kids baths, the list goes on and on.
The day isn't even OVER YET!

All I hope is that she gets into Gramercy- the greatest school on the face of the earth- and eventually get some sleep. Eventually. Maybe.

Kisses bitches!!!!

Yesterday.

Yesterday I went to a food pantry. Don't be scared- This month was actually better than last- but I never know how my family's going to be from week to week. So I'd rather be prepared.
We've had weeks before where our cabinets were bare.
So thanks to my social worker- she found out about this church that helps people in my financial situation. They were so nice.
During the interview I cried. I really really HATE crying or being vulnerable in any way especially in front of strangers. But this guy that was helping me out was so nice and kind and seemed to really care. Plus I haven't talked to my therapist in awhile so...I think I was ready to cry at the drop of a hat.
Explaining my family's situation always makes me nervous, anxious and emotional.
I try to control it but sometimes it's really difficult.
They had a basement filled with canned goods.
One funny thing that happened there- While I was being interviewed a biker guy came in and saw a can of food and said "mmm, yeah!" The interviewer looked over and said to the biker-" That's cat food." To which the biker didn't seemed surprised and replied " MEEEEEOOOOOW!"
Ah, the people I meet while seeking assistance.
I hope to be in a position that I can donate food to this food pantry- instead of taking from it.
On another note- the other day Violet's therapist had a "team meeting" at my house.
This is where they discuss what's working and not working with Violet. I'm having a tough time with the school she's in now. She has multiple health problems and is absent from school quite a lot because of them. I have explained this to the teacher but for some unknown reason she does not comprehend the situation. Wonderful, right?
As if I want Violet to be absent from school????
It is my only semi-break- when she's in school. Do they think I don't want that?!
These are bizarre people I'm dealing with I tell ya. BIZARRE.
Other than the school issue her home therapies are going really well and I'm extremely proud of her. YAY for VIOLET!!! As her therapists and I would say when she does something good.
Tomorrow Violet has a "play date" at (soon to be-hopefully) her new Pre-K school!
It's a baby version of a job interview. Seriously, I never thought I'd be doing this-baby interviewing for schools, waiting list and such.
It's truth be told- a real upper-class, rich person thing to be doing with their child.
Thankfully, my daughter's schools are paid for by the state. Otherwise she'd be at home till kindergarten!
I can't believe the amount people pay for Pre-schools- about the same as college!
It's insanity. I'd never do that.
Another funny thing- while Dave was finally getting a chance to do a month's worth of laundry ( hey - don't judge-we can only afford it once a month- so chillax). He was talking with a neighbor and jokingly said "My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, I think I'm gonna have to switch to cocaine!" and laughed. The neighbor (an older woman) replied "OH MY GOD! If you know a good dealer let me know!". By the way she was SERIOUS!
And THIS is the building I live in.
On that note- Kisses bitches!!!

As always more to come...

My day...

On days like today I remember a quote I read in Parents magazine. Yes I read Parents magazine now, not fashion magazines galore like I used to. I used to be addicted to fashion magazines- they were my crack. Now I can't bring myself to look at one- first, the fashion is usually bad- second, the models always look pissed. ALWAYS.
And none of the articles apply to my life- how to lose ten pounds in one week, how to be better in bed, how to find the right man and so on. ALL bullshit being thrown at your face, without apologies.
So the quote I think of is this- it's from a parent talking about their kids.
"When I'm a part from my kids- I miss them so much. Then when I see my kids, I can't wait for them to go to bed."
Today was so frustrating. We finally get to go outside and it's getting dark, the kids fall asleep. Dave wanted to get out the church thrift store but I was with the double stroller- which doesn't fit in the thrift store so I offered to wait outside.
For nearly twenty minutes I waited outside with the children asleep in their warm stroller freezing my ass off. Literally my ass was numb.
He finally comes outside and we head home.
The kids, of course wake up the minute we enter the apartment and even though the day was filled with frustration I was happy they were awake- and forgot all the bad things that happened today. I picked Levi up- all smiles and happy to see me.
Now after spending a few hours holding, playing and kissing them I look forward to when they go to bed.
Then mama will finally get to watch her stories. Amen.

More loving things we say...

Jokingly, Dave said to me the other day, "You don't even like me!"
In response I said to him " I don't like you. I love you!"
And then said "And hunny please, We're married, of course I don't like you." ;)

Why I hate Valentine's Day...

Yes- I hate Valentine's Day. Why you ask?
I'll tell ya why.
First- it's too much hype!!! Like this is the one day out of the whole year you have to say I love you to someone special.
When something is too hyped up- it's just sets the stage for disappointment.
Back when Dave and I first met- I told him never to buy me flowers. Not because I don't like flowers- but because in the past, flowers were ALWAYS used in conjunction with an apology. So to me flowers = you did something wrong!
So, NO FLOWERS.
Valentine's day when you're single is hard- for most. Because you IMAGINE it'd be so much better to spend it with someone you love. But this is false. Again all these expectations- set you up for disappointment.
To me Valentine's day is just ANOTHER day. Another day- if you are with someone special- to say you appreciate them- but no need for gifts and a night out.
Really I think married people equally like and dislike Valentine's day. Due to the fact that when you're married with kids and you're busy tending to others' needs, you rarely have time to spend alone with your other half.
So Valentine's Day is really just an excuse to go out and away from the kiddios- and be adults. This is only the case- if you have the money to do so, have made reservations ahead of time, hired a babysitter...the list goes on and on.
Personally I'd rather NOT go out on Valentine's Day- that ONE day a year- but instead make many days and nights special throughout the year. So when Valentine's day comes and goes- which it always does- no one is disappointed in any way- but instead you're happy and looking forward to the next morning- to say I love you all over again.

Violet WAVES for the first time!!!

After going Gluten free December 1st 2009, we've seen such a huge difference in Violet. She makes more eye contact, she's focusing better, and now for the first time EVER- she waved!!!
She waved yesterday to her therapist Shannon, but we weren't sure if it was a wave for hello or to tell Shannon to get away!
Today she did it twice- once to say hello to Shannon and again to say goodbye!!!
I'm not sure if she understands exactly what it means- she probably thinks it's a weird thing we do to other people, for some bizarre reason- and you know what?! I'll take it!!!
I'm so happy. I had a really good day today, things seem to be falling into place.
AMEN!

More to come...

Milk incident

Daddy gave Levi a bottle not realizing Kayla took the nipple off to smell the bottle and make sure it was still good.
I was talking to Violet's therapist on the phone when Dave screamed at me to come in quick.
Kayla was holding Levi screaming and COVERED in his Milk . Dave asked me to get the camera.
This is a photo Dave took. Somehow he got Levi to smile.

And here I am back again.

Yes I'm back. Already you might ask?
Well I'll give you three guesses why I'm back so quickly.
They'll all be wrong, unless you guessed- because I have no insurance. Then you be correct!
I went there- by myself- how depressing.
I told them about my chest pain, left arm pain and dizziness.
The first doctor- listened and was great. We talked about getting a cat scan of the chest and a stress tests- he said I might have to stay over.
He told me he heard some wheezing in my chest- so I'd be getting a chest x-ray.
While I'm waiting for the chest x-ray- I'm topless in a gown- totally vulnerable- a couple of junkies start hitting on me, asking me what my plans were for tonight.
Was I planning on going clubbing? They asked.
I answered no. I have two kids and a husband waiting for me at home, I don't think they'd like that.
One said to me " You could get a babysitter!"
Man, my day was getting better and better.
When I got back from the chest x-ray and waited in bed- registration came to ask me some questions.
Not long after, ANOTHER doctor came in and said- right away "Sounds Viral. I'll check your X-rays".
Then about 15 minutes later- I get handed my discharge papers- the person tells me "X-ray is clean, you probably pulled something".
This I KNOW is NOT the case-
She told me to get dressed and go.
Can you believe this?!
I TOLD them I was having chest pains, and everything.
Dave begged me to go. I didn't want to go. I wanted to wait till I got my insurance back.
I'm still in pain, and now I'm frustrated.
I'm gonna chew an aspirin again and eat something eventually.
I'm tired. Today sucked.

Stay tuned.

God has a sense of humor...

My husband is 150 lbs overweight and has a major caffeine addiction- but no, I'm the one with the heart problems.
So I finally talked to my doctor today- but can't see her because I have no health insurance. She advised me to go straight to the emergency room, not to mess around with this. Dave is yelling at me to go. I really hate hospitals- especially since my blood infections in July.
So here I go to St. Luke's- hopefully I'll be home soon- with a clean bill of health.

Wish me luck!

My heart

I've been feeling like shit lately but I'm fighting it the whole way through.
I've had heart problems here and there for years now- all starting with my eating disorders years back.
I have an irregular heart beat and I've been experiencing a lot of cheat pains as of late.
I've been chewing aspirin almost everyday.
I need to see my heart doctor. But right now I have no health insurance at the moment. I'm waiting patiently to get it back any second now.
And my old heart doctor doesn't take medicaid. So I have to find a new one. Plus with medicaid you need a referral for just about everything.
Last night was scary. I know I haven't been taking care of myself as well I should.
Things have been nuts with the kids and Violet's therapy that I rarely get a chance to eat or sit down.
Yesterday I was helping cook dinner and I was holding Lee in the baby carrier - which kills my back- but he wouldn't let me put him down.
When I was done helping prepare dinner- I put him down on the couch- and I got really dizzy. Kayla took Lee- no one got hurt. But I had chest pains- and it wasn't good.
So of course Dave told me to chew aspirin and I finally got to eat something.
I know I was careless. But I've been on sinus medication and I've been a bit unfocused because of it.
I'm so thankful to Violet's therapist Shannon. Because I've been so foggy lately- I was behind on scheduling tour visits for schools for Vi when she turns three.
Shannon got me to make all those calls and get on top of everything again.
She's a blessing, truly.
I'm so used to taking care of things and everyone that it feels horrible to be behind and not on top of things.
Dave helped me last night and took care of things for me.
I'm going to call my doc today to get a referral for a new heart doctor.
Hopefully my I will have insurance soon.
I didn't write this blog- to worry anyone- just wanted to update you guys on what's going on as per usual.

Love you all, wish me luck.

Burned yet again...

I burned my finger- again.
I think I should start being afraid of fire. Seriously.
I get burned just about every damn day- is there a record I'm breaking or something?
I cook every single day and bake often- I think I should not cook anymore or bake- and just go out for food- oh wait I can't.
So being burned it is.
I'm really clumsy. I'm accident prone now. I'm like a child. This is sad.
My name is Serena, pray for me.

Loving things husband and wife say to each other...

Dave tells me yesterday "Hunny, drug yourself till you don't remember your name".
He says this lovingly of course.
This is just an example of what my husband and I say to each other.
We've been watching Thundarr the barbarian (the old cartoon) lately and it's hilarious.
I asked Dave to now call me "Woman!"- it cracks me up.
I'll call him "Barbarian!".
'Nuff said.

Funny story of the day.

Violet was having speech therapy today in her booster seat- so she'd pay attention for more than two minutes. It was towards the end of the session, Levi had just woken up from a nap and I had him in my arms. He was sucking on his pacifier. Violet wanted it and started to cry. I don't let her have pacifiers during school or her sessions ( most of the time). The therapist starts to explain why pacifiers are so bad for children and how it doesn't help them develop the muscles in the mouth that help them speak. At that exact moment Levi heard this- he SPIT OUT his pacifier- and stared at her, shocked! He didn't want it back. At least for the time being.
I CRACKED UP!!! It was so funny- and just like Levi to understand completely.
Just thought I'd share that story.

Enjoy a laugh- or a few!

Stay tuned...

Anxiety

I have an anxiety problem.
Tomorrow I have to go to SSI because they threatened to take it away again even though I've had it for only 5 months. Insane, I know.
The night before I have things I've got to do that I know will be stressful- I don't sleep. Even now- over a week till my daughter's hospital visit I worry and am extremely anxious.
I remember the time I spent in school- stressing out all the time over stupid tests.
Man, I HATED school ALWAYS. I would not want to go back ever.
I remember taking a test in fifth grade- a math test and leaning over to my friend- who thought she knew everything and maybe she did, and asked her for the answer to a question that was troubling me- what was the question you ask?- The question was what was 8 times 11?
Yeah- that simple. I freaked- she gave me the answer. And yes I cheated in fifth grade- sue me! I helped many friends in High school during their tests on much tougher questions- so it evens out.
Even thinking about getting my cosmetology license- and having to go to school and take tests again, gives me anxiety. And I LOVE hair. Styling, cutting, the products everything. I've done it for years but don't have a license. Besides cosmetology school costing an INSANE amount of money ($16,000)- that only 1/3 is covered by financial aid and loans. I worry about taking tests and my anxiety levels. I have enough stress in my life right now, daily. No need to add some tests into the picture.
I have a goal in mind right now- I set up many for myself all the time- small ones that I feel I can achieve. This one being to not cut or color my hair till September 2010.
That'll make it a year since I'd shaved my hair off ( Sept. 2009). Let's see if I can do it. Hopefully the anxiety of my hair looking like crap won't make me freak out and cut it all off again, just maybe.
I'll be posting monthly updates with photos on how I'm doing- besides my (almost) daily blogs.

This is a photo of what my hair looks like as of a week ago. Wish me luck.

Stay tuned...

The Joys of Bulk Shopping...

Costco opened on 117th street and FDR recently and it is GLORIOUS!
I went in the beginning of the month- to the beloved Costco and it was a day of dreams.
I'm the kind of gal that is more than happy to spend a day in Costco or Walmart or Target. Very happy.
I used to think- who would shop like this?? In such big quantities. Now I know.
I would! In feeding a family of seven- things go quick!
I grab things like a huge tub of mayonnaise and say to Dave- we NEED this right now!
But of course I know once opened there'd be NO place to put the lovely jug o' mayo.
Oh the sadness.
I remember back to the days when I'd be at my grandma's. She always shopped like she was knee deep in the depression. Three jars of applesauce ( a Jew staple!), 20 cans of tuna- I mean she never ran out of anything. At least that's what it seemed like.
Then I'd come back home and we had run out of about everything- and I'd say to my mom why can't we shop like grandma????? Then we'd never run out of anything, EVER!
And of course she'd answer- "Because I only had enough money for ONE jar of applesauce, okay?!"
I would LOVE to shop like my grandma used to. She would've loved Costco. She would've bought everything they had!
Costco has the best price on diapers- but I never have enough to go over there and buy them. And it may seem insane to buy a box of over 200 diapers- but not with my daughter! That's enough for maybe two weeks- just maybe. and that's not including my son's diapers.
What I'd give for a day of bulk shopping again.
On another note- I went to the $.99 cent store today- one of my favorite places- and an older woman was short the ridiculous $.07 cent tax they add- and I gave her a dime.
She was so greatful. It didn't seem like a big deal to me- but it was nice to be able to do SOMETHING for someone else- even if it was just a dime.
I understood what she was feeling. I've been grateful for a dime before- many many times.
I donated $10 to Hope for Haiti Now. It'll go on my mobile phone bill- God knows I owe them a bunch of money why not throw on another $10- that'll actually help.
I wish I could donate so much more- and help more people in need.
I know that day will come. Hopefully soon.

As always stay tuned for more ramblings of me...
May you have an abundance of health, wealth, love and happiness always.

Getting Stronger????

I've been trying for so long to build muscle mass and it feels nearly impossible for me. I have no idea why- even when I was a workout junky- 4-5 hours a day- I had little muscle mass.
Weird right?
Then I started to see similarities between Violet and me. Physically.
When she went to the neurologist a couple of weeks ago the doctor mentioned her low muscle tone...and her dry hair.
Now I've had dry hair forever. My hair used to be crazy curly when I was a teen.
Now after kids- it's more wavy than curly- but it's always been dry no matter what I do- and I'm insane about haircare (I've been obsessed with hairstyling, cuts, products since I was a child).
But no doctor, even with all my health problems- ever mentioned my hair being dry or my low muscle tone- even though I was extremely active.
Violet is hyperactive- and runs ALL the time. She's never sitting or relaxing.
She's extremely physical- she likes flipping, spinning, running, jumping ( Autistic- hello!!!)
So I'm very curious what comes out of her hospital visit. Physically Violet and I are the same. We have similar health problems all the time. I feel bad- because it's my fault this is happening to her. whatever it is that's happening to her.
Maybe we'll finally get to the bottom of this once and for all.
That would be nice. To have answers finally. I'm glad Violet has good doctors.

Cheers to getting answers soon.

More updates...

Violet woke up today coughing so hard and her stomach was not doing well.
I had to postpone the hospital appt. to Feb. 1st.
They're only allowing one parent to stay with Violet. So Dave volunteered himself.
Either way we're both going to have a really hard day/night.
I'm going with them and stay till it gets dark- then be home and up all night with Levi. Where's those energy drinks when I need them???
The whole night I'll be thinking of Violet and how's she's doing in the hospital.
Worried sick- but still knowing she's safe with her daddy being there with her.
He's WAY better in emergency situations then me. He stays calm- he's kind of like a superhero in that aspect- he can handle ANYTHING. Even if he's scared or nervous he won't show it. Though after being with him for so many years I can kind of tell when he's secretly panicking. Just like I can ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS tell when he's lying. It's a gift;) I can tell when most people lie. I guess so many years of me lying- got me in tune with "the ways of the liar". Ha ha. Sad but true.
I've taken Violet to many doctor's appt by myself- but I don't think I'd be able to handle Violet alone in the hospital. I'd be a wreck. Dave can totally handle it.
Being a parent now- means I can't go anywhere without them and NOT worry about them.
Dave and I went out for the first time in what seemed like forever- with out the kiddios- to my friend's house- and it felt like God himself was trying to stop us from going. I had looked forward to going out ALL day!
First Violet was tantruming- so I left the house a few minutes late.
Which- if you know me- I NEVER do. I hate being late- I'm usually early or on time ALWAYS, If I'm ever late- which I'm not- something beyond my control happened.
Then the bus driver was taking the longest break ever!!!
I had no money for a cab- I didn't even have a working cell phone (and still don't). So I couldn't call and say I was running late.
Then the connecting bus never showed and we had to walk for quite awhile in the cold.
Dave started having chest pains. And he looked horrible- sweating turning bright red.
It was bad. I was really worried. We made it to my friend's corner and he said his chest hurt really badly and we had to get home right away and maybe go to the emergency room.
I didn't even have a phone to call them.
We got home- in a panic.
Dave ended up feeling better after awhile- he drank water, took aspirin, sat down.
We both ended up feeling sick later that night. And we've been sick all week with what Violet has- upper respiratory infection.
That was a scary wake up call for Dave and he promises to take better care of himself from now on.
I gotta keep my husband, my mom and my dad on track- to take better care of their bodies and health.
My job is never done.
Violet is feeling a little better- we were finally able to break her fever. Thank goodness!!!
I'm hopefully getting my health insurance back! We find out later this week.
I'm grateful because I need to see a heart doctor ASAP.
I've been having some difficultly with my heart again- I had this problem for a few years- it was better while I was pregnant with Levi- but it's back. ARGH! I'm sure I'll be fine- just need to check in with a doctor. Having no health insurance is terrifying. I've never been so afraid to get sick EVER.
Never a dull moment. Stress doesn't help it.
I've been doing a lot of Yoga again. Getting my flexibility back- and trying to be calm and focused.
So far this year's SUCKED big time. But I'm gonna change all that and turn it around.
No more bad times- only good.
Cheers- to an abundance of health, wealth, love and happiness.
PEACE out!

Minor Freak out- okay... big time freak out...

Today I had a freak out.
Pressure's been building- stacking. I try to keep everything under control- but things seem to be spinning- spiraling really.
Everyday something else happens.
Today SSI threatens to take away my money- FOR NO REASON whatsoever.
I made the appt. myself because I needed to speak to them- they turned it around on me- saying this meeting is to "reassess" my case and they could take my SSI away.
ALREADY?! I just started receiving it. ARGH! They know it's a mistake but they're not backing down. I was crying today- because everything just seems so difficult.
I don't have any health insurance right now-
I went to court for food stamps-
Now SSI. I've been there three times last month alone!
So I panicked big time. Screamed at the top of my lungs, crying and started attacking my room.
The pressure can only build for so long.
Now that I look back- it was kind of funny. The whole screaming fit.
I haven't done that in a very long time. Since before I had kids.
Dave knew my temper all too well. I used to lose it all the time- and start hitting things- not him - but start kicking and punching shit in the house- and maybe even storm off and go God knows where. Dave and I had really bad tempers. We bumped heads many many times.
Well having kids have MADE ME control my temper. That's why I'm not too proud of myself today.
But it was kind of necessary- for me- to come back down and get control of the situation- even though it seems totally out of my control.
I feel like I'm fighting all the time. Fighting this fucked up government.
SSI- hung up on me today- twice! Because they knew they had fucked up and didn't want to deal with it.
I always get these horrible horrible people at SSI and food stamps.
I'm trying to think positive everyday- but I was feeling too beat and just gave up.
But I've regained my strength and know I will not give up fighting.
Fighting to get out of this situation.
To make my family's life better and less stressed. Something to look forward to waking up to.
You watch- I'm gonna make things 100 times better- real soon.

More to come...

To Those I Embarrass By Being Me...

They are those of you- I'm not going to mention names- because that would be below me- that are embarrassed by my honesty.
My honesty about being poor.
Let this be known- I'm not embarrassed by my situation.
I don't LIKE my situation but I work day and night trying to get out of this situation.
I have never cared about people's opinions of me- if I did that I wouldn't be me.
I don't care if you are embarrassed that your friends know I'm poor, or anything like that.
I'm also not embarrassed I'm bipolar- or anything else I talk about on my blog-
I'm an open book. I always have been.
I plan on writing a book eventually- about my life. About growing up Bipolar.
The things I talk about I feel EVERYONE should be open and honest about.
Maybe then people would stop being embarrassed and insecure- knowing others are going through the exact same thing.
They are SO many people right now out of jobs, with no income and no way to pay their rent or bills.
I'm not alone in this situation. Therefore I'm not embarrassed AT ALL.
My blog is NOT private because I want others to know they are not alone and to know there is support out there for them.
My people feel my blog should be private because I am talking about "private" matters- well to those people I say- nicely - your ISSUES are not mine.

Updates...

BTW I'm waiting for the eviction notice so that I can take it to SSI and get the money they promised me for the rent and utilities for last month.
I went last week and they told me once I receive the notice to bring it in right away.
So that'll take care of this and last month I hope. As for the next few months- well that's still in the air.
We're looking at apts. in NJ in the meantime- even though I don't want to move there because Violet will lose her services, I'd rather my daughter has a roof over her head, and food on the table.
The life of high stress is getting to everyone.
Violet, Levi, Dave and I are all sick- with something viral. Violet and I have a high fever on and off for the past few days.
I feel things will be getting better- soon I hope.
I'm putting my faith in God that good things will start happening- even if I have to FORCE them to happen.
I'm working very hard in trying to find some way to make ends meet.
So we shouldn't be evicted this month, but I'll keep you all posted as to what's going on.
I appreciate everyone's support and good wishes.
I love you all.
You're all in my prayers.

More to come...

My Upcoming B-day

So while I'm waiting for my eviction notice...
I'm thinking I NEED a break. Even though I got nothing- I mean nothing- I wanna go out for my b-day- Feb. 17th. To a place with NO cover charge whatsoever- I hate those places anyways- and go to a place with loud thumping music, seating area, and a dance floor.
I don't care about drinks, food , nothing- just wanna have a good time with friends.
I haven't gone dancing in such a long time, probably in three YEARS!
I do dance at home a lot with my kids and even by myself while listening to kitchy music.
When I have to run out for a quick errand- I take my music with me and borrow Dave's (very nice) headphones. I just focus on the loud music and think of being somewhere else- dancing and having fun.
The first place that comes to mind is -of course- my old hang out spot- White Rabbit-down on Houston street!
I had my 25th b-day party there/engagement party (because that very night Dave proposed to me in front of EVERYONE on Feb. 17th 2006)- and it rocked!
I used to go there several times a week. The Bar owner Jim- was so super cool.
I loved the bartenders there- John, Alex.
I looked the bar up- and I think they're still around- they have a website and everything. Man- I gotta check it out.
Their food was AMAZING- Jim said their burgers could even be described as "crack-like". I've had them and I definitely agree with him.
Plus happy hour there- Freakin' awesome!
And yes- I'll be going there with nothing- but I'll be with the people I love- and forget my worries- and DANCE muthafuckin' DANCE!

Asking God for a Miracle...

I posted a blog a few days ago- and I deleted it recently.
It was about my ongoing battle with people to try to understand why my husband can't work- right now.
My daughter has a terrible sleeping disorder that she will be in the hospital for, to see what's causing it. Once my daughter starts sleeping- hopefully soon when they figure out what's wrong- he would be more than happy to find work.
We WANT and NEED money to come in. It's not a choice to be this poor. It's horrible.
When buying toiletries- like soap, tissues, deodorant- you know the very very basics-nothing luxurious- can't be bought. It's fucking rough.
I went to SSI today because the money they promised me never came. And I owe a lot of rent- besides every other bill.
I went there- and was shit on- I have to go back with yet even more documents.
Meanwhile I saw a woman in a HUGE FUR COAT with her pimp- or crackhead husband- being helped just fine.
So needless to say this day was not going too well at all.
Dave and I were talking about what we're going to do- we need to move- but with what money? We need a buyout- but who would buy us out? If we moved out of the city- my daughter would lose her services. But it'd be better to lose her services than be evicted from our house.
Then a small fire happened in the kitchen- don't worry we're okay.
It was a grease fire on top of the stove- I was able to put it out easily- but the smell has yet to leave even hours later.
As I'm cleaning my burnt stove- I thank God that it wasn't worse.
But I'm asking for a miracle- a real miracle- not money to get us barely through the month- but to get us out of this situation.
I tell you one thing- being in this situation for so long- makes me really want to help the homeless and clean up the shelters- so that they are a safe place for people who need to be there.
Everyone is so quick to save a dog, cat or animal, and that's great- I want to save them too- but what about the people- that are dying of neglect and poverty- not overseas- but in our own neighborhood-
Being so close to be homeless- puts things in perspective. I've had this perspective for a long time now. Different things drive me- than what drives others.
Most have never been near eviction, or didn't have any money for food.
They don't know what to say to me when I tell them my situation.
I usually get the "oh, don't worry everything's gonna be okay."
They say this just because they really don't want to think about it- they just want to put a loose band-aid on it- and make me feel better.
But it's crap. If I met someone in my position- I'd be different- If it was in my power to help even a little- I would. I wouldn't say everything's gonna be okay- I'd make it okay for them.
I choose helping people in need over a puppy.
Sorry puppies- you're cute and all- and loveable- but someone will most likely fall in love with you and adopt you- no one adopts a grown homeless man do they?

Asking for a miracle...

Pray for me and I'll pray for you...

That's not a threat - I'll pray for you regardless.
It seems that the beloved government has fucked us over yet again.
For those of you who know me know that my family and I are barely making it- actually we'rere not making it at all.
We're always minutes away from eviction, our electricity, cable, phone being shut off.
Wait, most of it already has been shut off.
My family and I receive public assistance- food stamps, medicaid. And no I'm not embarrassed to say this- because `most of my friends are in a similar situation.
We're all in debt and not able to pay our bills. It's even more scary when you have two children and one with special needs that NEEDS a special diet.
Food stamps, and medicaid- have fucked over many people that I know of this month!
MANY people I know got a letter stating their food stamps- and or medicaid- has ended because they didn't fill out a form that was sent to them.
THIS IS A LIE! In ALL cases!
This is illegal.
But imagine what the state is saving by not paying several hundreds- maybe thousands of people- even if it's for only a month!!!
It's an all out SCAM!
Please let me know if this has happened to you as well.
This cannot be tolerated. People IN desperate need of this assistance are in trouble!! Including me- but at least I'm fighting it!
What about the sick, elderly and the mentally challenged that don't know how to fight it!
They are fucked!!!!
This is NOT right. I feel horrible for the people out there going through this.
Please don't be ashamed to come forward that this is happening to you- we must fight this.
I will pray for you- that your family and friends are okay.
I pray for my friends every night-
and hopefully good things, great things will actually start happening for the people that actually deserve it.
Just maybe.

Violet's Autism

Violet may never "recover" or communicate. I had to come to terms with this fact last night. That the life I had in mind for her may never exist.
She may be severely autistic forever- and never be able to communicate what she's feeling, thinking or wants and needs.
She may never become the stunt woman I thought she'd become or be able to function without any help.
It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks last night after seeing the neurologist earlier that day.
Dave and I were talking and it was a real eye opener for me.
Don't get me wrong I still have very high hopes for her, but I also needed to realize the reality of the situation.
My daughter might have tantrums everyday, scream her head off everyday, cry everyday, for the rest of her life. That COULD happen. The opposite could also happen- she could be a normal functioning person, who doesn't need any extra help to get through each day.
Either way I'm thankful to have her as my daughter. And although each day is so difficult and a struggle, I love her with all my heart and look forward to each laugh and smile of hers.
I'm also thankful to have my son, Levi. So that I can be assured even when my husband and I are not around for when Violet gets old, her brother will be there to help take care of her.

Just wanted to share what was on my mind.
Thanks for listening. Stay tuned for more.

Jan. 20th in the hospital

Today Violet saw a special neurologist for kids with disabilities.
It was comforting being in a room filled with special kids and parents of special kids. Most of the parents were exhausted and one fell asleep with her head up against the wall. Parents that knew my daily struggles.
The neurologist was fantastic.
Shannon ( Violet's ABA therapist) was there, thankfully with plenty of cool toys and books to keep Vi happy.
Violet will be going into the hospital on Jan. 20th for 24 hours. She'll be under observation and will having many tests done that day. Dave and I will be there with her the whole time. My mom will stay with my son.
I'm nervous, very nervous- but I know it's necessary to find out what's going on in Vi's head. Hopefully she's not having seizures- since I haver had several seizures in the past. This will help us treat her sleep disorder- and I won't have to listen to any more parents (of "regular" kids) advice on getting her to sleep at night.
Because all of their advice never works- and they think I'm not trying hard enough.
Whatever! All of you who know me- know that I've tried everything.
Wish my daughter luck- that she gets through the hospital stay and finally gets some answers.

Peace, love and gluten free nuggets,
Ciao!

Many doctor appt. for Violet

I took Vi to the dermatologist today. And we finally now know why Violet has so many skin problems- she has eczema!!!
And all she needed was some meds for it and hopefully she'll stop ripping her skin off.
Thank goodness we finally have an answer.
Now it makes me wonder if my son and I have it to.
That means more doctors visits for everyone. This is exhausting- but it's good to get some answers. What a relief.
Anyways, sorry I haven't written in awhile- things have been nuts. I spent most of the weekend cooking and cleaning. Major cleaning. I'm quite proud actually.
But I still gotta clean the kitchen- isn't that always the hardest place to clean.
I'm dreading the work- but looking forward to the reward- a clean house!
That will last a day. At least with so many people running around the house.
Big families know the deal- nothing stays clean for long. Nothing!
Violet has a neurologist appt. on Wednesday- I'm really nervous.
The dermatologist didn't even touch her and she was screaming her head off the entire visit. Thank goodnes for her ABA therapist, that came with us. We love you Shannon!
He did say that she will need the large cyst on her neck removed. OUCH! At 2 and a half years old!
That will be a bad day- very bad.
We're going to the neurologist to see what is causing her to be constantly awake- and have a sleeping disorder.
She might be having seizures- which are very common with Autistic children.

Wish us luck.
Happy new Year to everyone!
Have a happy, healthy and wealthy new year!
God bless you.

Good things coming...

I found out recently that Dave's family, my family, is coming to NYC January 15th!!
I'm so excited!!! I love their company!
So many kids all running around laughing and having a good time- ah...my bliss!
Last time they stayed about 3 weeks in NYC waiting for Levi to be born.
(One of the many reasons I had a c-section) I know I'm nuts- but I really wanted them being here when Levi was born.
I don't speak to my dad's family at all, I'm basically the black sheep of the family.
So when Violet was born there weren't many people waiting for her and me to come out of the operating room when she was born.
My mom and Kayla were there when I was in labor for a few of the 20 hours of labor I was in. Then they had to go home because my sister was tired.
So when my daughter was born at 2:14 AM- it was just my husband, Violet and I. Until later on that day.
But when Levi was born- wow! It felt great to share the experience.
I was so exhausted my eyes were crossed- I hadn't slept in days. Literally. And I was on morphine drip and plenty of other lovely drugs that didn't work.
I will always be happy when I think of Dave's family- because they were there when most of my family wasn't.
So I'm really looking forward to their arrival!
They're so close and happy- they make me want a big family. But then I wake up from that vision of heaven to my two kids losing their fucking minds and realize- nuh- two's enough for awhile! AMEN!

(Bottom photo is of my daughter when she was born in 2007 and the top photo is of my son born in 2009)

Pain Management...

I've been feeling deathly ill for over two weeks.
Horrible horrible stomach pain. It's crippling me.
I've had this problem since I was a child. I've spent my life in and out of emergency rooms and still no doctor has an answer.
I was reading my horoscope today- www.astrologyzone.com ( I highly recommend it- she's almost always right!)
Here's an excerpt from my horoscope for this month:

"During the last week of December you may be working very hard, so protect your health. You may have stomach problems because the lunar eclipse is in Cancer, the sign that rules the tummy. If you feel fluttery, eat gentle foods that are easy on your system and enlist medical help if you feel it is necessary.
This eclipse may bring a health matter out in the open so you can attend to it and soon be on your way. The sooner you take care of it, the faster you'll feel yourself again."

Isn't that nuts!!! Right on the mark.
Let's hope I do get an answer because I'm already eating as bland as can be- and gluten free.

Wish me luck! Why can't there be a doctor like House around here?!!!
Even in the midst of problems- I'm still trying to be positive and know that I'll get my answers soon enough. Right?

Gosh awful freakin day...

Today is one of the worst days ever.
I've been in hell for over 7 days- I've been really ill- migraines, body aches, nauseous, etc.
I think it might be due to the new meds I was trying for my bipolar.
Well now I'm trying to get off of them- and the withdrawl is killing me.
I was expecting a check to come through- so that I could pay my bills that are overdue.
Now it seems that money might not be coming afterall.
So the storage that has my family's belongings in will now be sold- if I don't come up with the money before January 17th.
Plus I owe rent and my cell phone will be cut off.
So again I'm trying to sell my vintage toy and record collection.
My record collection of over 300 records including the beatles, rolling stones the police, joni mitchell, bob dylan, bob marley, etc.
And my toy collection that has taken me years to collect. It kills me selling them for so far below their true value.
I hate dealing with "dealers" instead of collectors- dealers are what I'd imagine the devil's lawyers would be like.
God help me because I need a miracle ASAP!

I think I've finally done it-

I've finally killed my stomach once and for all.
My son and daughter have been sick for a couple of days now.
Then two days ago- I started to feel HORRIBLE. Like DEATH. A painful death.
ARGH!
It's nearing Christmas and all this good food- That I have been and will be cooking I cannot touch!!!
At first I thought I had a virus- but then I figured out- I'd be eating gluten free for almost a month- as suggested by a nutritionist- and two days ago- devoured a cheeseburger- a lush lush cheeseburger- mmmmmm....
And then the next day had a bagel w/ cream cheese for lunch.
Big mistake! I felt so horribly sick. And STILL I had to go out both yesterday and today to go run some errands before Christmas.
Pushing a big ass stroller- while feeling like you have a stomach virus- is just bad news.
But now I know- Gluten free= good. Gluten= BAD!
Don't worry though- this whole time my daughter has still been on a gf diet.
She's feeling a little better- but Levi is really sick with a fever, running nose and stomach pains.
Both my kids- when they are sick- they DON'T eat anything.
Which makes me think of the comedian Louis C.K.
In his stand up act, he mentions trying to feed his children-
and he says "Come on eat g-ddamn it! You have a social security number!!! They know I have you!!!!"
That's what I feel- when they don't eat.
Yup. Just like that.

God bless you all! and have a very happy holidays!!!
As always- I'd love to hear from you
May you have an abundance of health, wealth, love and happiness always!

Bad day

Had a really sucky day today- seems like I've been having those quite often lately.
I've been really stressed out. Being a parent of a "normal" kid- is exhausting- but being a parent of an autistic kid. Regular parents never understand.
I was on the phone with my service coordinator (the one who is in charge of the Violet's therapists schedule and meetings) the other day and she was asking me what was the exact day I spoke to someone- and I couldn't remember. I mention that the reason my memory is FUCKED is because I don't sleep- because Violet doesn't sleep. So I apologized for not remembering. Then she answered back that she sympathizes with me because her son is sick- and is suddenly not sleeping well. And she then told me that she FORGOT what it was like not to sleep- because her son is a good sleeper.
I'm like- first- I'm sorry your son is sick.
Second- ARE YOU kidding me????! Are you seriously gonna tell someone who has yet to have a full night's sleep in more than 3 years (being pregnant wasn't a walk in the park either)- your son is a good sleeper?
My daughter, the light of my life, and also the main reason I have several heart attacks daily. I'm exhausted. I know that she's worth all the energy I have to offer and more. But right now I'm drained. More than drained.
So to all the parents of "regular" kids- shut-up. You don't understand. You will never ever understand- so please for the sake of all the parents of special needs kids- shut up! Don't even think of opening your mouth until something useful and worthwhile comes out. And if you can't think of anything worthwhile to say, go with an old stand by, "Your son ( or daughter) is beautiful". Get in, get out- all is well with the world.
Thank you from all of us to you, in advance.
PEACE out, Bitches! (I mean this most affectionately)
P.S.- If you go with "Your son (or daughter) is beautiful" - MAKE SURE YOU GO WITH THE RIGHT GENDER!
So many assholes have said that Violet "was a beautiful boy". ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Don't even speak!

Brittany Murphy...

I just found out Brittany Murphy passed away at age 32 today from a full cardiac arrest.
I was a fan of hers. She was funny, talented and a great entertainer.
There were "rumors" for years of her being anorexic- which I believe she was and I wish she would've gotten help for.
I understand the effects of anorexia all too well, having almost died from it repeatedly.
I have a bad heart because of my past eating disorders. Which by the way are never ever cured- they are maintained.
Just a month before I got pregnant with Levi- I was in an ambulance because I felt like I was having a heart attack.
Dave has been there with me through a lot of it- trying to help help break through the disorder and see that happiness is not all physical and shallow.
Eating disorders are shallow. There's always a bigger reason- the big one being CONTROL. Feeling your life is out of control- but you can control what goes into your mouth- and how much you weigh.
It's a sad disease and very lonely.
There's way more to life than your BMI or what size jeans you fit into.
Being obsessive in any way about your weight, your size clothes, how many hours you work out- all of it- is a sickness.
Now please don't spout that "But I'm taking care of myself" bullshit. "My body is a temple".
Because taking care of yourself- is more than exercise and low-fat foods.
It's what's going on inside you- your mind and soul. All this- all the outside- is forever changing and means nothing in the long run.
Your body is a case for your soul. It's your soul that needs tending to and love and care. It deserves real attention. Maybe if you paid more attention to your soul- than your size clothing- you'd be a more interesting person.
A person of REAL worth. Of real substance.
Anyways, it's just a thought.
R.I.P. Brittany Murphy- God Bless you and I hope you are at peace.

We tried...

Today we tried to take a decent holiday photo with the family.
That included my mom, dad, sister, husband, daughter, son and me.
It was asking too much.
Need proof?
It was like a comedy sketch. Everytime the camera went off- everyone was doing something different.
Have a laugh- or a few.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!
Sending my best wishes to all!

Medication...

For those of you that follow my blog- I'm sure you've noticed I've been really depressed. I've been on the same medication for almost 5 years- which is a long time.
And they weren't working like they used to. So I decided to try another.
Which is always a very nerve-racking time. Will I have bad side-effects? Will I be tired and cranky? Will it work?
And no- I'm not afraid to talk about medication because it's the UNmedicated bipolars you have to worry about. They're the scary ones.
Totally not in control of anything, argh, I feel dirty just talking about it.
The filthy buggers. So unmedicated-so dirrrrrrrrrrrrrrty. ICKY ICKY.
I like the bipolars that take their medication and understand their bodies and what bipolar does to them. It doesn't control them- they control IT!
I'm not saying all medication is great for everyone. Each person is different.
It took me over three years to get it right with my doctor, and now I need something different. Three years of getting fat, thin, depressed, manic- Three fucking years of this shit! But in the end it was worth the trouble to find meds that worked.
For those of you that think medication is for the crazies- well I AM a crazy.
A crazy bipolar- and the medication makes me less crazy and more stable.
I'm still fun and wild- but in control of myself the whole time.
I've been around crazies- and let me say this- they're fun and a half- but that's WHILE they're on their meds. When they're off meds- it's nuts- in a bad way- the ups and downs- the cycling- you bipolars know what I mean.
I usually don't try a medication if there's a chance of weight gain.
I've had problems in the past with other medications and spontaneous weight gain.
But this time- I'm daring- I'm on one of those medications. So if I balloon- pardon me- at least I'll be happy.
Happy and fat. Better to be that, than a skinny BITCH!

The new Gluten free diet and my daughter

We started on December 6th. And yes, we made a few mistakes here and there.
But I'm starting to get the hang of it. At least at home- where the Internet is close by and I can check if something is gluten free or not.
I haven't even tried to be casein-free. I do want my daughter to be GFCF eventually.
But one thing at a time.
I came across this AMAZING site- called the GFCF lady. http://www.thegfcflady.com
It's the best gf ( gluten free) site I've ever seen.
First of all, she's brilliant, second- she's fabulous and third- did I say brilliant?
I'm loving this site. SERIOUSLY. Loving it! She's has videos of her son before and after the diet.
So it's been about two weeks- and already I SEE A HUGE difference in Violet.
The video of her son (before the diet)- is SO similar to my daughter. Screaming, running, spinning, yelling, walking on her toes, hands flapping, all of it.
And only TWO weeks into this diet ( that I've worked so hard on) she showed me that she needed her diaper changed by lifting her dress and patting her diaper!!! Then sat on the potty ( that she'd been taking a part and throwing around the house since I bought it months ago). And later on, she pretend played with a small stuffed toy chicken, we have, jumping up and down on her alphabet blocks!!!
For those of you with autistic kids, or who know of autistic kids- you know this is a HUGE deal. It's amazing- I feel like crying I'm so happy.
For the first time- I have seen, what I know, my daughter is capable of.
She's my girl, my princess- no matter how many tantrums she throws daily, nights she stays up screaming, food she ends up throwing, she is my perfect little girl.
And I can finally see that she understands me- and what I'm saying to her.
She's in there- I saw it today- and she's coming out.
This is a momentous day- December 18th, 2009. A day of miracles. Thanks to all her therapists- Molly, Shannon- you know who you are- we LOVE you and all that you do and have done for Violet.
She's listening and learning!!!
And the websites say that you can tell if the kids have a gluten addiction- because they find a way to get their gluten "fix". Some, I heard even eat dirt.
Well today I found my daughter licking a sticker!!! And then tried her brother's bottle- just to get her gluten "fix".
So here's the proof- all the proof I needed to know I'm doing the right thing- no matter how tough, strict or frustrating- it's WORKING.
And I'm a total believer now.
My daughter is worth the trouble- she's worth everything and more.

Marriage...

I never believed before I was married- that being married is totally different than living together. I thought- these people don't know what they're talking about.
Now when I see new couples- and I know who they are- all lovey dovey- it creeps me out. Don't get me wrong I'm affectionate- kinda.
Dave and I used to be friends with a married couple- who were always affectionate- and it creeped both of us out- because it felt so "forced" and "fake". Like they were putting on a show to show us how in love they still were. YUCK!
The "rule" goes like this- don't judge ANYTHING by the first 2 years.
That's the "I can't get enough of you- get over here- I'm gonna maul you" phase.
That could even last a few extras years if you're lucky- and usually if you don't see each other every waking minute.
Then comes the "Why are you here again, DAMMIT?!" and "This? AGAIN?!" so on and so on...
You see where I'm going with this.
When I was a kid- I didn't look forward to marriage, actually I didn't want to get married. My parents' marriage wasn't the one I looked up to.
I, as a rule and as a part of being bipolar, tire of people quickly. REALLY quickly.
Even after a few dates- if it made it to a few.
Dave is my longest relationship- and surprise- I actually look forward to spending time with him, everyday.
Then again we have two kids, one very hyperactive kid, who never sleeps.
So Dave takes night shift and I take day shift.
Which means we rarely spend time together now- He's cranky- I'm cranky- he's tired- I'm tired. We're taking care of everyone but ourselves day in and out.
Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, even harder than being a parent- because that comes naturally.
Marriage- not storming out the door when things go wrong. With being with the same person forever- things WILL go wrong.
Yes we fight, yes we scream. I don't usually quote the show "Everybody loves Raymond" because it was my mom's favorite show- so it was always on in the background. But Marie, the head mother of the family, said one thing that really makes sense to be now- " In a marriage there's room for hate. Yes, hate and even love." Young fresh couples don't get this. But married people certainly do.
If they stay together long enough.

Down, in pain and frustrated...

I just had a few blood tests done today- I have to wait almost 2 weeks for the results.
Hope this gives me some answers.
I'm feeling really bummed. Really detached from the world, my family, my friends.
I'm trying very hard to stay connected somehow. But I'm feeling it's very difficult right now. The holidays are always hard for me and my family.
Financially we're in the hole and stressing for cash. I hate that feeling.
I wish money did grow on trees- and that I had a whole backyard full of them.
I'd not only help my family and friends- but the homeless, people with autism, and the league of hard-of-hearing. Both my parents are hard-of-hearing, for those of you that don't know.
I'm really stressed out- no, actually let me correct that statement- I WAS stressed out- now I feel like I don't even care.
Anyone out there going through something similar?
Let me know. I always like hearing from you.

more to come...
Wish me luck- and money.

Memory loss...

Hardly anyone knows about this- but hopefully more will after this blog has been posted.
I suffered from seizures, multiple seizures over 4 years ago due to the wrong mixing of bipolar medication. Back when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, in 2003 I was put on several medications for over the course of two years- I was a guinea pig- many of which didn't work or had horrible side-effects.
One of those side effects were seizures.
I had seizures as a young child but hadn't had one since. Till about 2005.
One of which took places in an occult store!
The minute I walked into this well known occult store in the east village I got dizzy, then next thing I knew I was on the floor looking at David- who looked back at me terrified. I had no idea why at the time.
Later, Dave explained that I'd started seizing TWO SECONDS after walking in the Wiccan store, and he caught me as I fell to the floor. One of the girls that worked there had a long red dread locked mohawk and piercings (a really tough looking alterna) freaked (OMIGOD! IS SHE OK???)and helped me the best she could. She was actually a really really sweet girl. A couple came into the shop at the exact time I was seizing on the floor and asked the manager, "Oh, is this where the meeting is taking place?"
She was still grinding spices in a mortar and pestle, and whispered, "No, it's still next door."
Nuts, right? But funny nonetheless.
Later that day I had multiple seizures one right after the other while I was in the hospital.
What most people don't know is that I suffered severe memory loss.
I didn't remember a thing- except my family members. I didn't even remember my relationship with Dave, or who he was to me, anything like that. It took a really really long time to recover some of my memories. Dave and I kind of started our relationship from scratch, since I had no memories to go by. I'm still trying to piece things together to this very day. There are gaps in my life I still don't know anything about.
There are times when Dave or my sister will tell me some of the things I used to do when I was full blown manic- and I don't believe it. I mean- I believe they are telling me the truth- but I'm shocked.
After my seizures- my bipolar was different. I became a different person.
My bipolar was easier to manage for a few years after that. My therapist said it was kind of like electroshock therapy in a way.
I became more aware of myself. I wasn't manic like I used to be. Before the seizures, when I was manic - it was like I was taken over by a demon or something. I had no control of myself whatsoever- it was like I was being controlled by something "other".
Now, when I'm manic- my thoughts race, I'm excited, and yes, easily irritated but I don't feel invincible and I definitely don't make the horribly wrong decisions I used while being manic. Not to say I don't make bad decisions- I am still bipolar.
So if you see me in the street- and I don't pay you any mind, it's not because I'm trying to play it cool, or be a snob or anything- it's because you've been erased from my freakin' memory. But feel free to come up to me- and reintroduce yourself- that is if you're awesome and we had good times together- if not- well then BUZZ OFF:)
That being said-
I love you all!

Ciao bitches!
More to come:)

Celiac disease...

I'm starting to think maybe I wasn't misdiagnosed.
I'm starting to think maybe my children have celiac disease as well.
We're going Gluten free anyway- but wow all that it entails- down to the make-up I wear.
Yeah bizarre right? My make-up could have gluten in it and be making me sick.
So strange.
I was watching Dr. Oz Friday- which I never do since I find him annoying.
But he was on right after a show I watch religiously, my fave, Wendy Williams.
She's Hilarious!!! And obsessed with wigs which I can totally relate to. I have a wig collection of easily 50 or more wigs. I've been collecting them since I was 12 years old.
But that's besides the point.
The show was about Celiac disease and all the pain and suffering it can cause- such as migraines, joint pain, stomach pains...which later can even lead to cancer.
It was really eye opening.
I'm going to try to make an emergency appt. with my doc Monday to get some tests done.
I'm doing really badly- health-wise.
I even binged last night- which I'm really not proud of- since it's been over 5 years since that last happened.
I don't know what's going on with me but I'm spiraling and it's frustrating.
The only thing keeping going day to day are my kids.
Thank goodness for my loves.

Just thought I'd keep it real with y'all.

Gluten free diet and depression.

Many years ago- about 9 years ago to be exact, I was misdiagnosed with Celiac disease. For over two years I ate gluten free. I baked and perfected many recipes over these few years. Shortly after, my computer crashed and I lost all of my precious recipes. It was only when I was being hospitalized for my eating disorders that I found out I was misdiagnosed.
I had no idea that I'd ever need my recipes again. Until now.
My daughter had a nutritional evaluation this past week. The nutritionist suggested going gluten free. Which having been on this diet in the past- it is the hardest diet ever! Gluten is in almost everything! She also suggested going casein-free, which makes being gluten free even MORE difficult.
As with every cooking/baking recipe- things need to be tweaked.
Well that especially goes for gluten free recipes, even those found in books and magazines. It's a lot of trial and error.
Besides the diet being difficult to follow it is also the most expensive diet to follow. Which is extremely difficult for us since we're dead broke.
But anything my daughter needs I must find a way to get.
I'm so stressed out right now. My depression is hitting hard and I'm trying to get through for my kids sake, but it's harder than ever.
I know it'll past eventually- but it's hard getting through it. Every day- harder than the last. My family doesn't really understand what I'm going through because they're always used to me being on top of everything and I mean everything.
The shopping, the babies, the cooking, the cleaning, the therapies, the schedule and on and on.
Everyone has a breaking point- I feel I'm past mine.

Depressed...

I'm feeling the crashing side of bipolar. I'm getting depressed.
I'm trying to fight it.
Just thought I'd mention what's up with me right now.

more to come...hopefully better.

I am a medical mystery...

I am a medical mystery apparently.
I have been this since I was a child.
I have an health problems since I was born. The emergency room nearby my house everyone knows me personally. Sad to say.
And I really hate emergency rooms since I've visited them so often in my lifetime.
I've been in pain since before I can remember. I also suffered several times from high fevers as a child. I was absent a lot from school all throughout my school years. Luckily my high grades saved me from being in much trouble due to my absences.
The teachers I had never understood what I was going through mentally, emotionally or physically.
I've gone from doctor to doctor from test to test. All kinds of MRIs and Cat Scans over 15 of them in last ten years. I've been to many neurologists and specialists,
all of whom have no idea what's wrong with me.
And no, it's not from depression- because even when I'm full blown manic and elated, I still suffer from numerous body pains.
Recently I was talking to a friend from High school and found out she and I had similar stories. We both are in constant pain. Whether it be migraines, back pains, stomach pains, body aches, etc.
She mentioned a condition called Fibromyalgia. I started researching it and found that the condition sounded like what I'd been experiencing most of my life.
I looked up the medications that are used for treating it- which are lyrica and cymbalta ( Cymbalta Is an anti-depressant but also is used to treat fibromyalgia pain).
I plan on seeing my doctor A.S.A.P. and talking to her about these medications.
Wish me luck at the doctor- whenever I get to see her.
If you have a similar story please feel free to contact me.

Rant

I've had a horrible day on Decemeber 7th.
It started at 9am after a crazy night with the kids. I dragged myself out of bed to go straight to the kitchen to make coffee. My daily elixir of choice.
Violet went to school and Levi was surprisingly in a good mood.
Both didn't sleep that night. It was a night in crazy town, like most nights.
MY daughter NEVER EVER sleeps. Which means Dave and I are ALWAYS tired.
Add in the fact that I have a new baby boy- well you get the picture.
Violet has been absent a lot from school lately due to her numerous health problems.
Besides being autistic, her body over produces yeast, and she's been getting sick all the time. Just last week she had an unexplained high fever for 5 days and stomach pains.
I bring her to the doctor all the time. Most doctors don't know what to do with her, how to treat her, what tests to perform on her, etc.
I talk to her doctor several times a week. I also talk to her teacher whenever she's out from school. My daughter's health comes first, always. School is second.
I found out that day, during my daughter's home therapy that her teacher had made a comment that Violet's been out of school for two months. Which is totally absurd and crazy. From the very beginning of my daughters evaluations and therapies, I've dealt with completely crazy, irrational people. I've learned that most people that deal with "special children" are "special" in some way themselves. But mostly they're just crazy. There are only a handful of therapists that a adore with all my heart and soul. I beleive they are Violet's angels.
I HATE when people say one thing to my face and another behind my back.
It's stupid and childish. I'm so tired. Tired from not sleeping, tired from dealing with crazy people day in and out. I'm tired of New York! Freaking TIRED!
I'm dealing with a lot of shit on my plate.
Today a new speech therapist also started working with Violet at home.
I'm tired of other people- who know absolutely nothing about me- judging my parenting ability. Truthfully I feel I'm a great mom. I'm with my kids all day and all night. I working on every single therapy I'm taught to do with my daughter EVERYDAY.
I'm singing to my son EVERYDAY. Loving them, kissing them- being there for them.
All the time.
So when a teacher, or therapist judges me- it really hurts and upsets me eventhough I know it shouldn't.
I deal with a lot for any mom, let alone a bipolar mom. I always have to be in control of everything, know everyone's schedule, cook dinner every night, make sure we have food in the house for everyone. And oh...did I mention I have to start feeding my daughter a gluten free diet.
I'm tired. Really tired.
Some days are better than others as all bipolars should know.
I try to take one day at a time- because for me it's hard to look too far ahead into the future.
I had written this blog on december 7th but decided to think about it a least for a day before I published it. But I feel it's important to show the ups and downs of my life and how frequently they change due to being bipolar.
I hope in some way my blog will help people understand being bipolar is extremely difficult. Most bipolars I have known are deceased. So it's hard to be positive about being bipolar when I don't know of any success stories of bipolars.
I feel I'm most definitely a success story. I'm still alive. I'm somewhat stable. I have a loving family. I'm a good mom and I have an extremely devoted, supportive, understanding husband.
I hope they're are more successful bipolars out there and if you are one of them- feel free to contact me.
We bipolars need to stick together and support one another.
I hope my blog helps you in some way.
Let me know.

More to come...

Stay tuned.

My son turns over for the first time- with a little help

I call my son Levi "Shmoo". Don't ask why. When my daughter was born, her nickname was "Potato" and "Monkey toes" because she was so small and round like a potato and had long toes like a monkey. You should know these names are not meant to be insulting in any way- we use them very affectionately. Whenever my son is just chilling, looking around, I say to my hubby, "He's shmooing. No fooling". I would love if I had more videos and photos of my daughter, but as I said in my earlier blogs, she's autistic and VERY hyperactive. So to get her standing still for even a minute is A LOT OF WORK. Most photos just come out a blur because of course she's running. She ALWAYS runs. Runs everywhere. All the time. But hopefully there will be more video and photos of her to come. The other day Levi was shmooing, no fooling and tried to turn over. He even used leverage by holding the side of the floor cushion he was on to turn himself over. I admit I helped him a tiny bit- but he did it!
Hooray. That's one big milestone down at almost 5 months old.
I'm proud of him- he worked very hard.
I'm trying to upload video of it- since my sister recorded the event but I'm having trouble with the site. So sorry this blog is without video but hopefully there will be many videos uploading to my blog in the near future.
Till then enjoy reading:)

Doing some - out of my comfort zone- cooking

Yesterday I cooked Vietnamese pork and noodle soup, made my own broth from scratch and everything. Tonight I made Southern fried catfish and collard greens and my own salad dressing for a zesty salad. I'm feeling more confident about my cooking- this makes me happy- and my belly full!

Mania = self-absorbed prick

I have come to realize just about EVERY single famous person on the planet is bipolar.
Mania is how they have achieved fame. Mania is very interesting. It's different for each person. But one thing across the board manic people feel- is invincible.
Like they're superheroes, they won't take no for an answer and nothing will stop them from achieving what it is they wish to achieve.
Hence most famous people, bipolar people are inherently ASSHOLES.
They feel superior, therefore they are.
But in all actuality Bipolars are obnoxious, self-absorbed pricks.
And yes I have been this, most definitely. I have hurt many many people in my lifetime thus far. And I have a lot of regrets. I wish I'd treated the people that loved me better, because they certainly deserved better.
Most actors ARE self-absorbed. To be a great actor they kind of have to be.
I've seen models come and go. Most models are surprise, surprise, bipolar!
The need for constant attention is quite sickening.

I have been a model for many years now. It is my profession. It is how I made a living.
Do I like models? Not really- actually probably not at all.
The models I DO like are some of the ones I have personally shot.
Besides being a model, I also do photography.
The handful of models I'm still friends with- are way more than mere models ( a very self-absorbed profession) they are great individuals, smart, funny, caring, talented.
I love the crap out of them.
I wonder why a lot of the models I have known wanted to become models.
Was it because they were insanely insecure? Was it just the want for pretty photos of themselves? Are they extremely vain? Because you know almost ALL vain people are extremely insecure.
Some models get LOST in modeling. In the fake world of modeling.
Of everyone telling you how beautiful you look, etc.
In the end it's ALL fake. Even their compliments are fake.
These models become "characters". Which is probably the worst thing I've witnessed.
Whatever REAL person was inside of them quickly dies, never to be seen again.
Most characters act, well...stupid.
They dumb themselves down so people will like them.
This insane ever consuming need to be liked.

Why did I start modeling- well it all started by accident really.
Started with someone asking me to audition for a part in a Disney movie when I was a kid. I was kind of hooked from that point on. My obsession with fashion and movies.
Then came in crazy insecurity and the eating disorders- many that almost killed me repeatedly. I was hospitalized several times, each time swearing I'd get better. But I didn't. It was a really bad downward spiral. In my twenties I got work pretty regularly. Most non-paid gigs at first to really build my portfolio. Plus photographers were very cheap- most still are.
It became my living. I did easily 5 shoots a week.

My bipolar really prevented me from doing well in a 9-5 work setting. I tried, believe me.
I made my boss CRY! And my co-workers quit because they realized after a long conversation with me there was no room "to grow" in the office we were in.
What can I say- I love controversy.

And that's why modeling has always been great for me. One day- one boss- that's it.
Not the same people day in and out. I liked meeting creative people with great ideas.
I liked creating art and being a part of something magical.
Not to say it was always great. I've come across many GWCs (Guy with camera) in my life. Sleazy guys who say they're photographers to get to sleep with models.
I've had really HORRIFYING experiences as a model.
That's why I wonder why people want to model. It's at times- terrible and scary and dangerous.
Most people are naive and think it must be fabulous. But reality is it's not.
In the end, I want to be more than a model, or even a photographer. I want to help people, be involved with charities, be able to donate. Work for causes like Autism awareness, League of Hard-of-Hearing, help the homeless, the list goes on and on.
And I'm not going to help people by being a model, or playing a character.
In the end a photo is just a photo, a model is just a model and character is just a character.
This is nothing of substance. Wouldn't you want to be MORE? In all sense of the word,
just MORE. More than pretty, more than a face, more than a body, but someone of substance, of worth?
I know I wanted to be and am. My family, Dave and my children have changed me.
I don't live a selfish life anymore. I LIVE for my children. I work my ass off every single freakin g-ddamn day for my son and my daughter.
I don't live to be liked. I don't live to be photographed. I don't LIVE to be accepted by society.
I live to be LOVED by my kids. The people that matter most to me in this world of chaos and stupidity.
Because isn't it all just stupid?
At the end of the day, I know my kids have been fed, they have learned, they have laughed, smiled, and have been loved unconditionally by me. And I will never ever stop being MORE. More than a model, more than a face, a body.
I am MORE.

changing the title of my blog

I'm changing the title of my blog from "work it! love it! live it! flaunt it!" to "The Bipolar Bible".
The old title was fierce, what can I say inside me is a screaming queen itching to get out!
But I feel "The Bipolar Bible" is more a title for my life.
Enjoy!

What a difference an outfit change makes...

Today started off pretty lousy. My sister and I have a head cold. A bad one.
Migraines, runny nose, itchy throat- the whole deal. Plus I didn't sleep very well due to my screaming children. There was no coffee in the house- my daily elixir of choice. Violet is still a bit under the weather.
I had to run some errands and was rushing out the door- with yet again my two screaming kids. Both screaming for no other reason than being tired and not wanting to go to sleep.
I didn't have time to put together an outfit or even comb my hair but I did have time to do my make-up. I can do my make-up in less than 2 minutes- which apparently takes less time than doing my hair? I don't know.
By the way can I just say how fabulous Revlon color stay lipstick is? It does stay on forever- which is good and bad- because it takes a LOT to remove it, come bedtime.
I ran out the door in sweats and my motorcycle jacket, frantic and exhausted. Moms in the house- you understand.
I had to rush home because I had an IFSP meeting for Violet ( A meeting with a city official about Violet's therapies, etc.) I was kind of looking forward to it because I like the people I have working on her case, they're my friends.
I didn't want to be talking to them in my sweats, especially since they're always put together so nicely. Always looking sharp.
Lucky for me we had a package waiting for me when I got home. It was some clothes I'd ordered on major sale last week.
I changed promptly into some nice new clothes, fixed my hair.
And poof! Feeling better and happier already.
It's amazing the difference an outfit change can make. You when you feel good in your clothes, you feel more confident and happy.
Anyways- I'm still sick- but looking fabulous- and to a girl- that means a lot.
Especially for a mom of two.

Spare time...

Dave and I rarely have any spare time. But just to give you an idea of what kind of people we are- Dave, with the few spare minutes he had, carved a penis out of a big carrot, just for the hell of it.
Here's a photo.
It's funny.

My 3rd wedding anniversary.

My hubby and I have known each other for 11 years. But we only married 3 years ago on December 1st 2006. I was 4 months pregnant with Violet at the time.
And no that's not the reason why we got married- my daughter was planned as was my son.We'd been engaged off and on for years. He proposed for the final time at my 25th b-day party. It was very special. He was so nervous he had nose bleeds for weeks before the event. He even had a nose bleed that night at the party. So he had to leave the party early. He got down on one knee in front of everyone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that night I had known he was going to propose because my sister had slipped and blabbed it to me weeks before.
It was still very romantic and exciting.
We've had a really hard time financially for a couple of years now. Modeling and photography are on a freelance basis- so some months were great while others were really hard especially while expecting a baby.
For our first two wedding anniversaries we went to McD's. We didn't mind- other things we more important to spend money on than ourselves.
But this year we said NO to McD's and YES- to a real restaurant- one where you don't serve yourself- where they serve you water while you look at a menu!
You know- Big deal places! haha!
We went to a nearby restaurant because my little girl wasn't feeling so great- but good enough for us to go out for a little while to eat.
We went to a Thai/ Japanese restaurant- which was excellent. The food was good as was the company. We were adults- Dave had a bottle of sake- not parents for that little while. My husband stared down a decapitated head of Buddah.
I started a game at the restaurant- What things would you do differently if this were our very first date?
One- we probably wouldn't rush home to see our kids.
Two- we'd probably do something after dinner.
Three- we'd dress nicer.
Four- I wouldn't walk in on him sitting on the toilet, while holding the baby.
The list went on and got really silly.
The fact is we're very comfortable with each other- that there's no need to try to impress anymore. We share the brain- we think the same thoughts. We are the same person- the main difference being- he's a man and I'm a woman.
Then again- he sews, cooks, cleans, likes fashion, the list goes on and on.
I'm more aggressive and blunt- I don't sew, I learned to cook from him, I hate cleaning but I do love baking.
Overall, it was a great anniversary.
Thanks hunny.

More to come...

Trying...

I'm gonna try to write blogs more often. At least a little note, daily if I can.
So here's my note of the day:
Today my sister and I went out shopping with my kids and a guy asked if the kids were ours or adopted?! I answered "MINE".
He thought we were a lesbian couple!!!
My sister looks 12! She's practically my daughter!
What a creep!

Hey I didn't say my daily blogs were gonna be life changing- just a thought here and there no matter how trival.

More to come-

Being real poor- not Rich man's poor...

Let me start off by saying it sucks being poor. Now when I say poor- and mean POOR.
Not rich man's poor like Nicholas Cage or any celebrity claiming to be poor. Or poor like my evil grandmother, but poor- so poor I'm several months behind on my bills. My family had to borrow money from my evil grandmother- she works hand in hand with the devil, I'm sure. Now before you go judging me- you have to know something about me. One- I love my family more than anything or anyone. We work like a hive- dependent on one another- my mom, dad, sister, husband and my two young children.
I'm a very loyal person and it takes a lot to get on my bad side. I have two grandmothers- one who has dementia and means the world to me- the other, my father's mother- treats my family like horse sh*t- actually less than. She has never helped us out of the goodness of her heart- because frankly her heart is black and cold. She thinks I live in a fantasy world because she won't ever except her son's (my father) flaws and thinks I'm making things up. My father and I have had a very rough relationship. The details I will not say here- in my blog- but maybe one day in a book I plan to write about my life someday.
She is an evil woman who doesn't do anything just to help- everything she does she expects things in return even from the penny less.
Getting back to what I was talking about earlier- it takes a lot for me to hate someone. But my grandmother falls into that category.
We borrowed money from her so we wouldn't be evicted- yup things are that bad.
We're looking for someone to buy us out of this apartment so we could move somewhere way more affordable- somewhere to call our own- and not be afraid of being evicted from. To be able to keep our heads way above water- which seems impossible at this moment in time.
We borrowed money from her- and I, alone, have to pay her back a large sum of money monthly until the debt is paid.
This sum of money- is way more than I can afford. We have no money for food or our bills. I go to a food pantry to make sure my family can eat.
She claims she is "poor"- yet she has never been behind on a single payment in her entire life and grew up being a socialite. I hate when rich people claim to be poor.
Their idea of poor doesn't include food stamps, going to a food pantry, or governmental disability assistance in mind.
Poor is my life. I work everyday on trying to get out of this horrible, nightmare of a situation- but being poor is a trap- it's like a hamster wheel. A never ending hellish nightmare. Which makes me worry sick, day in and out.
This evil woman would rather my family go hungry and be out on the streets than not be paid back.
But I have to believe that God is just and swift and those that do wrong- will get what they have coming to them.
I'm waiting for that moment. That moment where her delusions of being a good person and mother will come crumbling down- and she will see all the hurt and pain she has caused. She will one day feel remorse and regret. One day and hopefully soon before it's too late.
I pray daily to god to help me better my family's life.
Thank you all for listening and for your understanding.
Love you all.
God bless you.

DIRTY DIRTY DOCTOR!!!

I went to a new eye doctor two weeks ago. He was in the neighborhood- so figured I'd give him a try. It was a little dinky office, kind of run down. The doctor- was easily 80 years old and smelled like my grandma.
The first thing he asks me about is my tattoos. What are they? When did I get them? You know the usual questions I get asked. While he's testing my eyes- he starts holding and squeezing my hands and asks why I don't want to squeeze back? I was so nervous about f*cking up the eye exam and getting big freakin' coke bottles for glasses- I just laughed it off as silly old man. Then he kisses my hand and says I don't know why but I like doing this.
I'm having a hard time realizing he's hitting on me. A 80 year old eye doctor is hitting on me! He then puts my face in this thing that blows air into your eyes- kind of surprising but not horrible feeling- and says if I don't like the feeling I could kiss him.
I'm like WHA????!- in my head. Again just laughing nervously- not really wanting to hurt a horny old man's feelings. I mean he smelled like my grandma. I love my grandma!!!
Finally the exam is over and I talk for awhile to the woman helping me pick out my new glasses- which would take TWO weeks to be ready. My old glasses were a completely wrong prescription and I was told not to wear my old prescription ever again.
I have horrible eyesight in my left eye- which make my right eye over compensate- which leads to the worse migraines ever!
So long story short- I went to a dirty dirty doctor- who made me feel like taking a shower and cleaning off the dirtiness- waited two weeks with NO glasses- got my glasses today.
Everyone likes them so far except for Violet who tries to rip them off my face every chance she gets.

Today's heart attack...

I have daily heart attacks- mostly due to my daughter- who has no consideration for her own well being and puts her life in danger several times daily.
This time is was my hubby.
We all went to the doc today. Violet, Levi, David and I are sick.
ARGH!!!! Anyone living with a big family will tell you- if one gets sick THEY ALL get sick.
PLUS- my husband's blood pressure is through the roof- and was told by the doc- he needs to make a will and a proxy RIGHT AWAY!
So I'm crying in the office holding Violet- who had just been sobbing a minute ago because the doctor was lightly touching her. Did I mention she's a drama queen????
The doc told me " You're a mom- you don't have time to cry". The doctor is a mom too-so she knows- we moms have NO time to be weak, vulnerable, tired or sick.
My husband and I are constantly tired because my two and a half year old daughter NEVER EVER sleeps. We are trying to help her in every way possible- to help her get on a sleep schedule- this not only affects her during the daytime and her functioning abilities- but ours as well. Energy drinks, coffee- any caffeine available.
It's bad. Thank goodness in this case that I have low blood pressure ALL the time- so the caffeine doesn't affect me the way it does my hubby.
I told him- he can't go anywhere- he's not allowed to die. He said "Okay, I won't." with a smile.
God help us!
kisses to you all!
Stay tuned....