Nervous Breakdown here I come!

Don't worry this will be like number 500 for nervous breakdowns.
A lot is happening right now.
- both my kids might have a chronic disease, affecting their lungs and health for the rest of their lives- due to our old mold infested apartment.
- my mom's last day of work is at the end of the month.
- my dad's losing his mind- a little more every single day. Plus there's a chance he might have prostate cancer. We're waiting to hear the results from his doctor.
-I found out I have an auto-immune disease, which is probably Lupus.
(Sounds like a Dr. House joke, right? "It's not LUPUS!" But actually it seems it is).
My hair has started falling out again. And no, coloring it, didn't make a difference. This would've happened regardless. My scalp hurts so badly. And Dave keeps asking to buzz my hair off again. I think he's buzzer happy! Seriously! He just buzzed his own hair off, and now he's after mine.
Not that I have anything against buzzing my hair- I've gonna completely bald once every year for the past SEVEN years. There's noting I haven't done to my hair, or pretty much in my life, in general. Hahahahaha!
-Plus we have money woes a plenty.

Fun times, right?
My friend told me, this means blessings are coming our way.
I truly hope she's right.
I few days ago, I was spiraling, not able to see any light, or silver lining.
I'm still depressed, but I'm able to smile occasionally. Of course my kids always make me laugh.

This past weekend was misery.
Violet was so hyper and violent. Not a good combination at all.
Now she's sick with fever, and not really eating.
Lee had fever too, but he's eating a little.
I feel like crap and really really exhausted all the time, even though Dave's given me lots of time to rest.
It's frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I'm actually happy, my mom is gonna stop working. Despite our money woes.
I know she'll finally be happy, and not miserable going to work anymore.
All I want is my family to be happy and healthy-
both things seem very hard to come by lately.

Plus I worry, I don't want to end up back at the food pantry and soup kitchens.
That was serious hardship, especially with my kids.
There's nothing more, you want as a parent, but to be able to have a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table to eat.
Both of which, I wasn't able to provide, not more than a year ago.
Our lives changed once we left that miserable, evil apartment.
I still have nightmares about our old place.
It was seriously like the movie 1408!
Did you know that a week after we left- there was a flood!!! Coming from my apartment!!! Even though NO ONE WAS THERE!
Yeah- totally fucking creepy.
I'm so glad we left.
I just don't want to go back to living that nightmare again.
I really don't like my neighborhood. The people in it are ignorant, homophobic and racist!
Yeah- a horrible combo!
Just really ignorant people.
I never thought I'd miss the egocentric manhattanites I was brought up with.
Even if a fabulous drag queen walked down the block, no one would even glance- or stare, or laugh.
Here- they hate anything even remotely different from them.
I can't seem to talk to anyone, even my neighbors.
They are all seriously messed up in the head.
I've heard lots of anti-Semitic things said by my neighbors, against Jews.
Did I ever mention, I AM JEWISH?
And my kids are Latin-Jews?
I don't want them growing up around so much hatred. This is where bullies come from, I'm sure of it.
And in Brooklyn, of all places??? I'm in fucking hicksville!!!
Plus, I'm bisexual. I was going to marry a women, a long time ago.
I'm sure that would've caused quite a stir in the shitty fucking neighborhood.
Yes, the houses are nice, and it's pretty residential, but the people make the neighborhood.
and they make it ugly.

Sorry, now I'm just ranting.
My point was- a lot is going on right now in my life.
I don't handle stress well at all.
I'm trying really hard though.

I promise I'm gonna write the blog I set out to a few days ago (about My Anti-cool revolution) but I just really wanted to update everyone on how things were going.

I love you guys and gals so much!!!!
Thank you always for being there for me!

As always,
Kisses Bitches!!!

Saw the doc today...

Did I mention I was nervous about today?
Yeah, I had reason to be.
I saw the endocrinologist today.
He's brilliant, by the way- no joke.
He actually knew what he was talking about- unlike many of the other doctors I'd seen. They only gave me five minutes- where he gave me at least a half hour.
He was kind, and really smart.
He told me, he HAD to sit down and talk to me after he saw my past blood tests results (over a year's worth).
He said several things-
1- being I have a very low thyroid despite the amount of thyroid meds I'm on.
2- I might have a very very very rare autoimmune disease that causes my body to attack my thyroid, amongst many other things.
3- my thyroid felt smaller than normal and "cobblestone" like.
4- since my thyroid has been low for so many years- he doesn't know the amount of damage my heart has taken, nor my bones. Leading to heart attacks and broken bones.
Fun, huh?!
5- my white blood cell count has been high for several years now- meaning I have to have a sonogram done of my thyroid to rule out cancer.
6- I have several options right now- different medications to try (oh joy!) one being an animal thyroid hormone (NO JOKE!), he said people find it to be "organic" because it comes from an animal! "Are you serious?! You're gonna put BESSIE in me?? I call all cows and pigs, Bessie- don't ask me why. I just do, Okay?!
7- I might have my thyroid removed if, one- they find anything, or two- because no medication will help it.

He also ran a few blood tests- but he didn't expect "any surprises" and told me he'd call me in about 3 days.

On a side note- I don't know if any of you remember- in an older blog post of mine- I mentioned that I have prophetic dreams- always have, since I was a wee little child.
My dreams just come true QUICKER than they did when I was young.
It used to take sometimes years to come true. Now, not so much.
Of course, I do have nightmares from time to time- that are just random fears- or just plain old randomness. But I always know- ALWAYS KNOW- that ones I have to pay attention to- those are the ones that become true.
I really don't care if you believe anything I'm saying right now, or if you believe in psychic abilities- It's not my deal- if you don't believe.
I TRULY, with all my heart, don't give a shit.
I'm just saying what I know to be true.
Anyways- I mentioned about a dream I had, maybe in the fall, where there were three versions of myself- one present (I think?), soon-to-be future and further future. No past.
Now mind you I didn't remember this dream until recently.
And when I remembered it was kind of a shot to my stomach.
One of me- with long blond hair looking very happy.

One emaciated me (in the middle)- completely bald- looking very sickly
One of me- had dark hair short to med length, curly, looking "normal".
All sitting on a bench, on a pier by an unknown lake. looking directly at me.
Staring at me watching..all of them (who are me).
Confusing I know.
But it was like they were foreshadowing my own future.
Staring into my eyes- so that I KNOW.

I'm probably explaining this really badly. I haven't felt right most of the day.
I've been shaking- and the doctor noticed- he asked if I noticed, that I was shaking so much.
That was funny!
My heart stopped a couple of times on my way home, just its usual weird thing it does.
I felt like I was gonna pass out when I got home, I was severely dehyrated apparently.
I'm just guessing at this point.
And I have a migraine just growing- at this point.

But I had to type this blog and get it out there before I forgot any more than I already have, no doubt.

I found out my very very close friend, one of my mama clan, is in the hospital right now. I love her dearly- she is a great, amazing, funny, smart, beautiful person- and I ask that you all pray for her right now, that she gets better.
I love ya Tee! I'm gonna come visit you!!

As always- my only constant-

Kisses Bitches! I love you guys!!! Thanks always for all the support.

Tip Toe

These were my fortunes for today- from the wise ol' fortune cookies from the Chinese food take-out place.
I got three- one- because I'm greedy
                 two- because I like cookies.
Any type really- as long as they ain't stale.

But SOMETHING was trying to tell me something that I was supposed to be doing today. Even the wise ol' fortune cookies were in on it!
So I decided to actually listen to what the world around me was trying to say.

I've been suffocating my feelings for so long now- pushing them so far down- that I felt like a zombie- dead inside and out.
I was always tip-toeing around people's feelings.
Like walking on egg shells. Worry what the response or reaction would be.
Well I blew that outta the water today.
Instead of backing down- I stood up.
To my husband and to my mom.
I got into three fights today, no not fist fights, thank goodness.

With my mom, it's hard. I love her so much and I respect her.
I love my mom, she's the shit! No doubt!
But we do have our issues, and they go way way way back to when I was a wee little one.
We fought- loudly, tonight.
And instead of backing down, I said what I thought.
And of course it hurt her- but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to just come clean with her about my feelings.
She got furious at me. And gave me the silent treatment for a bit- I can't handle that.
Maybe it's from when I was with women, but that is like a stabbing in the heart to me.
Yeah I know I just told you my fucking weakness!!!
So please don't exploit it!!!
It's a woman thing- women RULE at the silent treatment.
I'd rather say it and have an all out fight than not speak to each other.

So of course, I went into her room apologizing NOT for what I said, because it was the truth, but because I upset her and that wasn't my intention.
After a lot of crying- from both of us.
She gave me the best compliment, I've ever received from her- in my life.
I'm teary just writing it now-
She said "Thank you for taking care of Kayla all these years. And for taking care of all of us.
You did a great job! And still do so.
I'm sorry to have done that to you.
I love you.
And Thank you."
I said "you're welcome mom."
I've never felt so taken back in my life.
Those are the words I've waited my life to hear, but never expected to hear them.

I also fought with Dave today. I didn't back down (well originally I did, it's just I still am always scared of people's reactions) but in the end, we came to an understanding. At least for now.
I don't feel completely hopeless.
I feel I've gained back some control of my life and I'm not just gonna watch it pass me by.


I had to write this right away, even though my tears are making it hard to see the keyboard. Making it take a long time to type. I'm blind as it is for goodness sakes.

Cried so much today- definitely more than I'm comfortable with.
I felt nauseous for days- but once I started crying the nausea went away.
The emotional pain was making me nauseous and feel sick.
But you know- once that door opens- it can't shut so easily anymore.

This is the end of the blog post-
I'll leave you with my usual
Kisses Bitches!
Be the Kick ASS person you know you can be! ALWAYS!

a few days later...

Hey everyone- it's been a few days.
Sorry for the wait.
My mood is very up and down.
The other day when I wrote my blog- I was really in a bad place.
I fought with my everyone in my house that day.
Kind of "bursting the bubble".
I felt my family wasn't being considerate at all, or even trying to understand me.
I was fighting with my mom a lot.
She was really angry at me- for not saying anything to the doctor- not protesting, or getting upset.
I couldn't explain to her- what thoughts were going through my mind at the time. Or how I was feeling.
Unless you've been in that kind of situation- you wouldn't understand.
I hate "shoulda, woulda, couldas". Meaning-" If I were you, I would've done ______ , or you should've done ______ or I could've said ______" fill in the blanks.
Saying this doesn't help ANYONE!
Unless you area FUCKING time traveller!!!
It doesn't do any kind of good to tell people what they could've done instead of what they did.
It's very frustrating.

My mom, later on that day- made peace with me. And decided to let me handle this the way I FEEL COMFORTABLE handling it.

The way I handle it- try not to think about it, pretend it didn't happen, or that it happened such a long long time ago- there's no point in thinking about it.
I was pretty happy Sunday. I went to Waldbaum's for the first time- and freaking LOVED it!
All the fresh veggies and fruits and baked breads...yummmmmmmy!
I was happy.
That night I talked to my therapist.
About how I was feeling. She was proud of me for turning myself around.
She knew I was suicidal, and if it weren't for an invisible miracle of some sort- I wouldn't have made it to today.
I cannot speak of this miracle- because I'm not completely sure what actually happened.
Just a complete change of mindfulness, I guess.
Until Sunday night- when we were talking about what I was trying to ignore.
Yesterday was a bad day.
I was tired- I haven't been sleeping.
I've been falling asleep really early- passing out cold basically. Then from midnight on I've tossing and turning, in pain, having nightmares until about 6 a.m. when I can' take it anymore.
I'm exhausted.
I want to sleep but can't. Fun, right?!
Dave was going through caffeine withdrawal, really badly yesterday- as was my mom and dad. Everyone was really cranky and mean.
My dad is sick with a cold??? or sniffles??? I don't really know. He's just complaining like usual about anything and everything. My mom hasn't been herself. She's a bit hyper lately. Very hyper.

Other than that, I'm trying to think positive and move forward.

I'm tired of feeling pain and being sick. I'm going to try eating "better" again, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian or vegan again ( I was a vegetarian in the past, for many many years)
I'm willing to try anything at this point to get better.
And believe me this is very difficult since I basically live on cheeseburgers!
Don't worry - I'll still be having BBQs in the spring/summer at my house!
My parents still don't believe a meal is complete without some type of meat or poultry on their plate.
Plus I LOVE cooking!  And I'm finding lots of different ways to cook veggies, and grains.

Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!

BTW- Thank you to all my readers- for reading this crazy blog and always supporting me. You're all REALLY AWESOME!!

*found this photo on the net- I find it hilarious! It would be even more awesome if a person who wasn't a vegan by any means- got this tattooed!

Let's play catch-up, shall we?

I was supposed to go back to the doctor's office, not the sonogram technician, for a full stress test and to get hooked up with an event recorder.
For those who need a summary of things that have been happening-
I did lots and lots of harm to my body for many many years.
I've had health problems all my life-
practically lived in hospitals, doctor's offices for most of my life.
I've had MRIs, CATscans, every year for the past...I'd say 17 years of my life- no biggie.
This past year I've gotten really really ill.
My thyroid is off the fucking charts- I have both hyper- and hypo thyroid.
I've been on medication for it for over seven years- but this past year has been the worst.
The doctors can't control my thyroid, it changes every day practically- even though I'm not changing dosages, or any medications.
I've been to so many different specialists.
But I'm not having JUST thyroid problems. I've having chest pains, shortness of breath, my heart likes to, for no known reason- without warning- just fucking stop, fatigue, cramping, migraines, severe pain in my entire body like every fucking nerve in my body is on fire.
I have female problems- I've had biopsies, basically my entire body is going to SHIT!

And on top of everything- I'm fucking BIPOLAR.
Just thought I'd add that- because that's obviously nothing new. I thought thought it was funny.
Anywhoo-
I moved and had to find new and nearby doctors- because of my health problems- travel ain't so easy anymore.
I went to a nearby doctor's office, two days ago, had a million and two tests done- I'm practically glowing with radiation at this freaking point. I probably glow in the DARK!
I'm a fucking RAVE stick!
The ultrasound technician (a creepy man and NOT a doctor) touched me in ways- totally not professional and really really fucking icky.
I've been really depressed every since.

So NOW you all should be caught-up, at least mostly.
I was supposed to go back there today, the technician that violated me, not being present, and have a full stress test done.
I was panicked all day yesterday thinking about any of the doctors touching me to hook me up to any and all monitors.
Over all, I think I'm handling it better, than I possibly could be.
I didn't kill myself- so there's that, right?!

I woke up this morning in so much pain, in my chest and body.
I knew I wouldn't be able to fucking run on a fucking damn treadmill today.
So I asked Dave to cancel the appointment for me, because I couldn't even call them myself.
Yesterday we got the kids all bundled up to go out on our back patio to play in the snow.
I put on a happy face and took some photos of the kids.
But inside I just felt- bad.
In all sense of the word bad-
sick, disgusting, ugly, dirty - just really really gross.
I'm frustrated, I'm shaking, I just can't seem to regulate myself at all.

I wanted to grab a drink and smoke...color my hair, cut off my hair, or shave my head...get tattooed, go out at  night, stop eating, puke - do whatever I used to do to calm myself.
But then I realized I'm too fucking poor to have a fucking addiction right now.
Though to shave my head, I don't need money, nor the puking part- but Dave is trying to help me get through this- but NOT doing the things I'm used to doing- things are are practically engraved in my fucking DNA.
I don't like looking in the mirror at all right now.
I was feeling this way- before I went to the doctor- but not as severe. Now-
I'm just trying to be "present" for my kids.


So that's what's going on right now.
I've been getting a lot of requests to write my damn book already- and I did start it a few months ago. I seem to have a much easier time writing my blog, about the present- than writing about my past.

Anyways- I'll stop rambling now.

Kisses Bitches.


* photo from the web- "PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) clarinet boy" (I'm a geek- HELLLOOOO!)

New Doctor...new start?

I've been having a really shitty couple of days.
The night, before last, I was up all night with chest pain- intense chest pains- pain that went into my back I couldn't move, couldn't think, because I was in SO much pain.
And yet, still didn't let Dave call 911.

I really thought I might just fucking die that night.
And still I would rather be in my own fucking bed than in a hospital.
Call me psycho- I don't care- I've been called WAY worse.
Luckily I'm still FUCKING HERE, Bitches!

If you know me, you know that I don't fear pain. EVER.
I don't feel pain like normal people.
I've had my insides OPEN for months! After my C-section with Violet. I had gauze stuffed into me every single day for three months.
Now that's fucking pain.
It was like being stabbed, every fucking damn day for months.
Fun times. Fun times.
Then again, this is coming from me, the same person who, when I was younger- would run into doorknobs with my FACE, just for the fuck of it. I didn't feel pain.
I see how strange this is now, that I'm older- not much wiser though.
I always felt- "alien" to say the least.
I have an appointment with brand new doctors- plural- today.
I'm just hoping they don't stick me in the hospital-especially since there's supposed to be a big snow storm tonight- weekends, bad weather are both the WORST time to be stuck in a hospital.

Another worry- that they don't listen to me.
They see how young I am and think I have to be making this shit up.
Even though it's documented.
This one REALLY pisses me off.
Especially once they hear I'm bipolar.
Then they just think I'm crazy!

I don't fear surgery, even though I DO fear hospitals.
I'm not scared of getting cut up, sliced, whatever you call it.
It's the fact that in the hospital- you can get sick with something else and way more severe. Like a horrible blood infection that tries to kill you not once, but twice.
Yeah...fun times...fun times.
I hope you realize I'm sarcastic...very very sarcastic. It's the center of my very being.
I just found out that people who have had open heart surgery- are called part of "The Zipper Club" because they have the most amazing, coolest scar ever, going down their chest.
I do have a "thing" for scars, if you could call it that.
I love scars. I do.

Now I'm waiting til I go to my appointment.
If they listen to me- that's a good sign.
If they dismiss me right way...very very bad sign. Very bad.
Who knows? Maybe they'll actually find out what's wrong...and FIX IT!
Be it through surgery and/or medication, I don't care- I just want to feel myself again- not tired all the time, not out of breath, not in pain.
I don't fear medication- meds are my friends :)
I guess I have high hopes.
Plus this whole experience is making me feel very depressed.
Totally- NOT FUCKING COOL!

Very quick-
I had a very strange dream- thanks to benadryl- that I was weighing myself and I weighed 250 lbs! I freaked...and then realize I had weighed myself with all this luggage. And when I weighed myself again without the luggage I weighed...87 lbs!
I'm guessing this dream means I have a lot of extra baggage-
And I'm not talking about my big ass!
hummm...like I needed a dream to fucking tell me that?!
Hahahahaha!!!!


Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Sorry this blog is all over the place- but that's what my mind is like- CHAOS! COMPLETE CHAOS!

Shit Shit Fuck Fuck!!!!

I found out last night that my grandma is in the hospital.
She wasn't doing well and had a very bad infection in both her feet.
We were all very surprised, and upset, obviously.
I found out today the antibiotics are working and she's getting better
Best news I've heard all day!!!
As far as I'm concerned she is my ONLY grandma.
She's been suffering from dementia for over tens year and does not remember me anymore.
I just want my grandma to be in peace- no pain, no confusion anymore.
She is a great person and she deserves to be happy.

I haven't been feeling very well for the past few days- but wasn't making a big deal of it- until last night.
My legs and feet were in so much fucking unbelievable pain and I couldn't breathe.
For about a week now- my heart stops- yes stops- for about 5 or so seconds-without a warning- I cannot breathe or speak.
But I am conscious through the whole thing.
I found out yesterday from a friend who's a doctor, she has experienced the same exact thing many times.
I also must mention that she has had open heart surgery in the past.
And suggested it might be electrical.
I was so happy to hear I wasn't JUST crazy!!!
And that this is real, not a fucking panic attack.
I have an irregular heartbeat, plus a really bad thyroid problem.
So I'm experiencing 17 different symptoms at once.
I feel they are all connected but not one doctor has put it all together.
My blood pressure was so low this morning I couldn't move.
And yes- everyone around me was ready to call 911.
But if you know me-
you also know that I've almost died in the hospital before- and got sick FROM the hospital- a severe blood infection that did almost end me- permanently.
So unless my spleen falls out in the next two minutes, I won't go to the hospital.
I feel a tiny bit better than this morning, my blood pressure isn't AS low as before.
But it's going up and down all day and driving me insane.
I slept for three hours during the day- which I DON'T do usually.
I couldn't function today.
If things don't get better soon, I will have no choice but to go to the hospital.
My mom is at a hospital in the city right now, not leaving many people here to watch my two kids- it's a 24/7 job with no sleep! Not EASY!

Wish my grandma and I luck.

God bless all of you,

and of course...
Kisses Bitches!

*photo of my grandma- almost ten years ago

Starting...

Started moving boxes and furniture up to the new place today.
We only get maybe an hour or two a day to pack because of the kids.
I have no one to watch them- and if I turn my back for a second- they are trying to kill each other!
Plus Lee and Vi hate the sound of me taping the boxes shut! They scream!!
Both my parents are kind of losing their minds- they are both completely fried mentally- due to the big move.
Last night was rough- the migraines had finally taken their toll on me.
I could barely move- because I was gonna pass out! I tried to walk- bad idea!!!
There was this intense pressure in my head and I couldn't think straight!
These hormone pills and thyroid problems are going to be the death of me for sure!
Plus I think the medications are putting me in heat or something. I didn't even THINK it was possible for me to want sex more often- but I was wrong!
This with the packing- no of course we're not done!- moving- my kids trying to kill each other- the migraines- the arguing- the stress.
BOOM! My head is gonna explode-
oh wait- I'm suppose to think positive-
Everything will be getting better!!!!!

Woohoo- very short blog post.
BTW- I thought I'd just put this out there.
Marriage is....(you fill in the blank).

For me Marriage is ...when each time you roll over in bed, your husband farts in your face in his sleep.
That's marriage.
I'll leave you with this thought for now!
Muahahhahahahahhahaha!


Kisses Bitches!

Where mah bitches at?!

This week has been nuts!
There were a few high points though- one being able to meet up with a few of my girlies that I haven't seen in nearly a year!
We had a beautiful dinner at Lima's Taste (the most amazing restaurant EVER!!!) this past weekend.
It was nice just being out with the girls, no boyfriends or husbands allowed- for some much needed girl time.
I rarely ever get to go out (I have neither time nor money to do so). My schedule is super busy with two special needs kids and moving to Brooklyn.
I've been suffering from severe migraines- they NEVER go away.
I had one that very day I went out to meet my chicas- but nothing was going to stop me from being there- we had scheduled this night over a month ago and nothing was going to get in the way of that.
Thanks to one of my very good friends I saw that night (shout out to Natalia!!), I've been trying to think more positively again (shout out to "The Secret").
On Sunday I was able to bring my kids, Dave and my sister to FINALLY see our new home!!!
They all LOVED IT!!! Both Lee and Vivi were exploring the whole place with a huge grin on their face.
This totally made my day! I know it'll be a very big change for them, but after awhile, I think they will love it even more than the home we live in currently.
That very day I was on my third day of this continuous migraine marathon- we were in McDonald's ( my kids favorite place to chow down) and I felt like I was gonna puke right then and there! Like a drunk!!!
Luckily I was able to control myself and put some delicious goodness in my belly- and I felt tons better- still had a migraine but didn't want to puke! So that was a win for me!
Right now at this very moment- I have a migraine, I'm trying to will it away.
Because no medication known to man- works on my migraines.
I think I need....... LOTS OF MONEY!!! AND SEX!!! AND humm...what else do I want and need???
Let me think....
Anyways- I got off topic.
I feel things will be getting better- and I pray things will be getting better.
BTW I changed my birth control medication again, and I'm crossing my fingers that this will make me feel tons better and hopefully fast.
I've been so super exhausted lately- I've been NAPPING!!! For those of you who know me well- know that I HATE napping during the day!!!
I wake up not knowing what day or time it is. Like I've woken up from a coma!
My thyroid is down and my hormone levels all over the fucking place-
I can't wait to get settled in our new place- and start feeling better again!!!
Levi had his psychological evaluation this morning and will probably be diagnosed with P.D.D. for now- later on maybe in a year or two- this diagnosis may become autism- like with my daughter.
I can't wait to get out of this toxic environment- mold, mildew, rust, you name it-
And start living life again!


Wish us luck!!!
I pray for all of you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always!

P.S. I gave Levi a haircut yesterday, he looks so cute- but he screamed all the way through the haircut like I was killing him (which of course I wasn't). My son is a bit dramatic.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*photo of Levi with his hair cut very short. I think he looks so cute and super handsome!!
In this photo, I feel like he's totally saying with a swagger- "Hey, How you doin?"

What's been happening??!

I've been so busy- with doctor appointments, phone calls, packing and my kids' therapies-
I don't know what day it is anymore! I haven't been sleeping well for what seems like forever now!
Last week Dave went to the doctor- and was told he's at high risk for a stroke- because of his high weight and blood pressure.
This makes me very nervous- and this morning he tells me that he's feeling dizzy and lightheaded and feeling a lot of pressure in his head every time he moves!
This scares the shit out of me!
He's going to the doctor again today- around 4 p.m.
I was supposed to go to the breast surgeon this morning- but then found out because he left the medical group I was a part of, a week ago and where I had all my testing done, he now has no access to my test results or medical records.
So there's NO POINT to see him today. Oh joy!
Looks like I have to find ALL new doctors for both my husband and I and our children.
This is such a pain in the butt!
But maybe this will lead to better care? Who knows? Maybe I find the doctor to ALL doctors- you know what I mean?
Since my kids and I, and now Dave are at the doctor every single week!
I'm worried about my husband's health, I'm nervous (and excited) about moving, how the kids are going to react to our new home- all these worries are why I'm not sleeping well at night.
Levi is finally going to have his psychological evaluation next Tuesday at home!
Woohoo! I've only been waiting for this for several months now!
Everyday he's banging his head and having meltdowns all day long-
I can't wait to finally have a diagnosis already- so that my son can get ALL the therapy he needs to get better.
It has helped my daughter so much- and continues to help her to this very day.
I'm not sure if Levi has the exact same type of autism my daughter has, but I'll find out soon.
And knowing this brings me some much needed peace of mind.
My family and I have also been furniture shopping- this is NOT as much fun as it sounds!
It's exhausting. If we were rich- I'm POSITIVE this would be a lot more fun!!!
We also went mattress shopping.
Dave had a lot of fun doing this. Every bed felt so foreign to me- and uncomfortable- so I let him pick out what he wanted. We had to get a new bed since he broke our current bed. We needed something DURABLE and comfortable.
We took our kids to Macy's holiday department- and they were so excited!!! They LOVE Santa and Christmas movies!
So this was so amazing to them. Levi couldn't believe his eyes! And Violet reached for every ornament known to man!
It was so much fun!
This would be the first holiday season in DECADES- that we wouldn't be totally broke!
My kids have never experienced a really GREAT holiday season- where we get to go shopping and do all holiday related outings.
Christmas has been so hard for us in the past- we couldn't get the kids any presents or decorate- we had no money- not even to pay the bills.
Every holiday season was so depressing.
I've spent a few in mental hospitals int he past. So I've never really looked forward to the holidays- until now.
This is the FIRST holiday season I'm actually looking forward to.
Our luck seems to be getting better- and I cant wait to see all the good things that's going to happen.
I see our lives changing for the better- Finally!!!!

All this aside, I have been feeling my mood going up and down throughout the day- I'm very easily irritated, I'll be depressed one minute- very happy the next.
This new birth control pill I'm on- I don't know if it's helping me or not.
I feel like a hot air balloon! Just totally blown-up.
I don't know if I should stop this medication or just wait it out.
My mom told me- many years ago, she gained nearly 100 pounds on birth control pills! ( yes this was over 35 years old- but still!) This scared the shit out of me!
While I was pregnant with Violet I gained 120 pounds!! Yes, I started at weighing only 80 pounds- but STILL! That's a lot of weight.
I'm petrified!
Dave seems to be happy though- he LOVES when my ass and boobs grow. He was SO happy when I was nearly 200 pounds, pregnant with Violet. He's nuts!!!! But I appreciate his insanity very much.
But I am very thankful, I'm with a man that appreciates curves ( the bigger the better!) and never ever tells me to lose weight.
I've been having nightmares- that I want to be an actress (which I don't), and am going on auditions only to be told I'm FAT and ugly.
Fun right?!

AND my mom is also having a biopsy and sonogram done (this week and next) to make sure she doesn't have ovarian cancer.

Do you think this is enough to be worried about???!

That's what been happening so far-
Again, I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing as much. My book, has been put on a temporary hold right now. Until I move and get settled- then I'll continue writing. Actually then- I'll be more than happy to write!


Kisses Bitches!!!
PEACE!

*photo found on google- I thought this crazy holiday cat photo was appropriate.

A chance-part two

I can't do it. I'm a chicken.
I can't purposely gain weight. I think that would make my ED (eating Disorder) come back full blast.
I am however trying to eat more often. I've been feeling faint lately and excessively tired all the time.
I even had a regular coca cola!!! I know! Insanity! For shame! ha ha.
I know this is silly, but I've drank diet soda since my grandmother forced it on me at age 12, like she did so many things.
I'm still undecided about the contest. There has been some confusion over at what size "plus" technically starts at. For each company it's different, either size 10 or 12 usually. This company happens to start at size 12.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. And of course my kids spent most of the day screaming at the top of their lungs.
I woke up around 7 A.M. to Gluten free pancakes made by Dave. Which was very sweet. He was wide awake, another oddity. I asked him, if this wakefulness would last he replied "Yeah! Totally!"
Which was a complete lie. And the rest of the day I spent trying to keep him awake.
We tried to go to the mother's day street fair around our neighborhood, but the 40 mph winds were a bit too much for me- I felt like I was going to be blown away. So we got about two blocks from the house, then turned back.
I was really not in a good mood at all yesterday. I found out my thyroid is now overactive, unlike two months ago when it was way under active.
This makes me really irritable, tired, nervous, the whole works.
I can't really do anything about it because this happens to me through out the year not matter what I do. So I kind of have to just ride it out.
I apologized several times yesterday for being bitchy. I felt bad because my family didn't deserve it at all.
Levi and I have been sick for the past two and a half weeks with an upper respiratory infection, that doesn't look like it's going away. Of course this is because of the mold in my apartment that hasn't been fixed.
So he's been screaming for days in pain. I feel horrible for my baby boy.
Plus he's been puking up everything he eats, and he's been eating less and less.
I have many things to worry about right now, food stamps, medicaid, my babies, the apartment,court, the modeling contest, the list goes on and on.

I'm very stressed at the moment. Trying to be positive even though things aren't looking too good at all.


Thanks for everyone's support.
Love and kisses Bitches!!!
Work that shit!

* this is a new photo of my son working it;)

Wearing down

Tonight was a night of horrors. I'm pretty sure a few hours ago, my son had a small seizure. Yup, you heard me. I called the doctor, don't worry- and no I didn't go to emergency. Frankly I'm terrified of hospitals, not because I practically live there most of the time, but because ....how'd my doctor put it? Oh yea, I'm the poster child for things that can go wrong in a hospital.
I can't step into a hospital without thinking of MRSA. For those of you who don't know what this is you should be grateful.
My son and I, on the other hand know it all to well.
Just so you know, hospitals- are COVERED in this. It is a type of penicillin resistant, staph infection. And it can kill.
My son and I contracted this when he was born. I was put on emergency high dose antibiotics through an I.V. TWICE because it was killing my body.
So yeah, I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. When I go in for something, I sometimes come out with something else entirely. Scary, I know.
So instead, I'm choosing to take him to the doctor tomorrow.
And tomorrow BTW is my sister's Birthday! She turns 20!!!
I'm worried for my children, both of them.
My throat's been hurting me so bad for days now, and seems to get worse. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Most likely I'm sick from the mold in my room.
I've been under a lot of stress, A LOT.
I haven't had anytime to take care of myself. And I'm not complaining- all I want is for my kids to get better. And if that takes up every single second of the day and night so be it.
I've been in a fog these past few days. My vision's a little blurry, I feel weak, but I still push through, always.
My family has mentioned to me, that I'm getting thin again, and asked if they should be concerned.
That is usually a HUGE wake-up call for me. Like WARNING, things get bad after this if ignored.
Truthfully, I lack any desire for food. I eat because things are getting blurry, and my stomach growling. Not because I enjoy it, or even want it. It kind of repulses me at times.
Also Dave has been diagnosed with Diabetes, and my dad is too. So we have way healthier food here, not much sugar. And really, I live off sugar, and salt.
I know, it's bad but I feel like so many of my old go-to foods have been banned from the house. I know they are technically allowed here, but I can't take the chance my dad or Dave would eat it.
I used to be an emotional eater, I was taught this as a child. Do you feel down?? Eat this, you'll feel better. It took a lot of hospitalizations to fix that. But now I'm an emotionally eater, the other way around. I don't want to eat when stressed.
There's just so much going on right now, no one can help me with.
And yes, I know you'll all going to say "You need to take care of yourself, blah blah blah". I am aware of this.
I know I gotta get my shit together. It's hard because most of the time, I feel alone. Like a one man army.
I go to court on Wednesday morning. The landlord wants the rest of the back rent I'm sure, but he ain't gonna get that. Not with all the damages.
I'm having a difficult time finding a good lawyer, that I don't have to pay till we win. Because we WILL win. This I know.
I just want money to be able to get the fuck out of the hellhole, we call a home. And to finally to able to give my children great health and happiness.
I pray every night for all my family, and all my friends.
I hope God will hear my prayers and better all our lives.


God bless you.

Celiac disease...

I'm starting to think maybe I wasn't misdiagnosed.
I'm starting to think maybe my children have celiac disease as well.
We're going Gluten free anyway- but wow all that it entails- down to the make-up I wear.
Yeah bizarre right? My make-up could have gluten in it and be making me sick.
So strange.
I was watching Dr. Oz Friday- which I never do since I find him annoying.
But he was on right after a show I watch religiously, my fave, Wendy Williams.
She's Hilarious!!! And obsessed with wigs which I can totally relate to. I have a wig collection of easily 50 or more wigs. I've been collecting them since I was 12 years old.
But that's besides the point.
The show was about Celiac disease and all the pain and suffering it can cause- such as migraines, joint pain, stomach pains...which later can even lead to cancer.
It was really eye opening.
I'm going to try to make an emergency appt. with my doc Monday to get some tests done.
I'm doing really badly- health-wise.
I even binged last night- which I'm really not proud of- since it's been over 5 years since that last happened.
I don't know what's going on with me but I'm spiraling and it's frustrating.
The only thing keeping going day to day are my kids.
Thank goodness for my loves.

Just thought I'd keep it real with y'all.

I'm a nutrition freak.

This doesn't mean I'm a health freak. But I have read tons and tons of books and articles on nutrition. I've been obsessed with nutrition since I was a pre-teen in Junior High.
I have suffered from eating disorders plural- anorexia and bulimia- since I was 12 years old. I've been hospitalized for it twice. Both times were life changing. And I learned A LOT about nutrition from nutritionists in the hospital. One of the things I wanted to be when I grew up was a nutritionist. But I hated school and still do to this day.
I'm more for the unconventional approach to learning. Learning through living.
Even though I knew the right things to eat I was listening to what fashion magazines told me instead- to be skinny.
Being pregnant with Violet really changed my eating habits completely.
I now didn't eat to look a certain way- but to survive and have Violet thrive.
I have tried every "diet" out there and have learned not to diet ever again, but to only eat what I love.
One of the books I read that really changed my perspective about food was "Eat Fat". The book talks about the history of fat and explains that by actually eating what you like- when you like- you might even lose weight. Sounds insane right? But guess what- it's true. It's a brilliant book and I highly suggest it to any friend having problems with their weight and a history of eating disorders.
Another book that is changing my perspective about what I eat is a book I'm in the middle of reading now- "Real Food" by Nina Planck.
I'm loving this book and I want to read her second book about baby's first foods.
I highly recommend this book to anyone.
We live in a culture afraid of fat. Deathly afraid of it. Afraid of cholesterol, fat and calories. Afraid of eating, basically, and living too.
Eating is a pleasure- we don't eat purely to survive but to enjoy, to feel, to experience. And why not enjoy what you're eating- to love the food and feel good about eating it afterwards. No guilt attached to eating.
Eating has been called a guilty pleasure, which is ridiculous. Guilty and pleasure shouldn't be in the same sentence. Especially when it comes to eating.
I love wholefoods and the farmer's markets.
And I am broke- poor as fuck. But Wholefoods has their own brand of products and it's relatively cheap. I know doesn't sound believable but it's true.
Their meat and fish is often on sale as is their produce. I know the food is quality not just quantity. Which is important for poor folks like me feeding a big family of seven people.
Poor people, my people, are mostly fat. Why? Because we think we cannot afford the quality good foods that rich people eat freely. We buy very processed foods because they last- and they feed a lot of people for a low cost.
I've done it- bought crap just so my family could have food on the table. Being poor is a trap- believe me. But I'll get more into that at another time.
Fat or thin- I believe both can be healthy. Fat doesn't equal poor health. Nor does poor health equal fat.
I think it's long overdue that people change their perspectives about fat people.
First of all the word fat- shouldn't be considered bad or offensive. That needs to stop. When someone is offended by the word fat- it's probably because they are fat and they're ashamed of it.
I'm fat- and it's taken me a long time to be okay with that and not be looking to change that fact.
I've been extremely thin ( under 80 lbs.) and also fat ( 200 lbs.) in my lifetime thus far. And I can tell you- even though you get to fit into all the "cool" clothes-it doesn't make you happy. Especially when you're afraid of everything you put into your mouth.
I prefer eating full fat meals- bacon, steak, chicken with the skin on, and all deep fried foods. The thing is the meat is antibiotic free and grass-fed. The baked goods my family and I eat are made by me- I know what goes into it.
My cholesterol is excellent, sugar level- all of things the doctors test for is good.
Because of the foods I eat. If I lose weight or gain weight- that's not my concern. My concern is am I healthy?
My point is cool clothes can be made-and tailored to fit, quality food can be bought and feed a big family on a low budget, and guilt over food is unnecessary. You are beautiful no matter what size, 100 or 500 lbs. Be happy with yourself inside and out and see if that doesn't change your life completely.

This topic I will be talking way more about- but right now I have to get to playing with my children.

Thanks for listening I hope this helps you.

TTFN! ta ta for now, as tigger would say.