A chance-part two

I can't do it. I'm a chicken.
I can't purposely gain weight. I think that would make my ED (eating Disorder) come back full blast.
I am however trying to eat more often. I've been feeling faint lately and excessively tired all the time.
I even had a regular coca cola!!! I know! Insanity! For shame! ha ha.
I know this is silly, but I've drank diet soda since my grandmother forced it on me at age 12, like she did so many things.
I'm still undecided about the contest. There has been some confusion over at what size "plus" technically starts at. For each company it's different, either size 10 or 12 usually. This company happens to start at size 12.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. And of course my kids spent most of the day screaming at the top of their lungs.
I woke up around 7 A.M. to Gluten free pancakes made by Dave. Which was very sweet. He was wide awake, another oddity. I asked him, if this wakefulness would last he replied "Yeah! Totally!"
Which was a complete lie. And the rest of the day I spent trying to keep him awake.
We tried to go to the mother's day street fair around our neighborhood, but the 40 mph winds were a bit too much for me- I felt like I was going to be blown away. So we got about two blocks from the house, then turned back.
I was really not in a good mood at all yesterday. I found out my thyroid is now overactive, unlike two months ago when it was way under active.
This makes me really irritable, tired, nervous, the whole works.
I can't really do anything about it because this happens to me through out the year not matter what I do. So I kind of have to just ride it out.
I apologized several times yesterday for being bitchy. I felt bad because my family didn't deserve it at all.
Levi and I have been sick for the past two and a half weeks with an upper respiratory infection, that doesn't look like it's going away. Of course this is because of the mold in my apartment that hasn't been fixed.
So he's been screaming for days in pain. I feel horrible for my baby boy.
Plus he's been puking up everything he eats, and he's been eating less and less.
I have many things to worry about right now, food stamps, medicaid, my babies, the apartment,court, the modeling contest, the list goes on and on.

I'm very stressed at the moment. Trying to be positive even though things aren't looking too good at all.


Thanks for everyone's support.
Love and kisses Bitches!!!
Work that shit!

* this is a new photo of my son working it;)

My heart

I've been feeling like shit lately but I'm fighting it the whole way through.
I've had heart problems here and there for years now- all starting with my eating disorders years back.
I have an irregular heart beat and I've been experiencing a lot of cheat pains as of late.
I've been chewing aspirin almost everyday.
I need to see my heart doctor. But right now I have no health insurance at the moment. I'm waiting patiently to get it back any second now.
And my old heart doctor doesn't take medicaid. So I have to find a new one. Plus with medicaid you need a referral for just about everything.
Last night was scary. I know I haven't been taking care of myself as well I should.
Things have been nuts with the kids and Violet's therapy that I rarely get a chance to eat or sit down.
Yesterday I was helping cook dinner and I was holding Lee in the baby carrier - which kills my back- but he wouldn't let me put him down.
When I was done helping prepare dinner- I put him down on the couch- and I got really dizzy. Kayla took Lee- no one got hurt. But I had chest pains- and it wasn't good.
So of course Dave told me to chew aspirin and I finally got to eat something.
I know I was careless. But I've been on sinus medication and I've been a bit unfocused because of it.
I'm so thankful to Violet's therapist Shannon. Because I've been so foggy lately- I was behind on scheduling tour visits for schools for Vi when she turns three.
Shannon got me to make all those calls and get on top of everything again.
She's a blessing, truly.
I'm so used to taking care of things and everyone that it feels horrible to be behind and not on top of things.
Dave helped me last night and took care of things for me.
I'm going to call my doc today to get a referral for a new heart doctor.
Hopefully my I will have insurance soon.
I didn't write this blog- to worry anyone- just wanted to update you guys on what's going on as per usual.

Love you all, wish me luck.

Pray for me and I'll pray for you...

That's not a threat - I'll pray for you regardless.
It seems that the beloved government has fucked us over yet again.
For those of you who know me know that my family and I are barely making it- actually we'rere not making it at all.
We're always minutes away from eviction, our electricity, cable, phone being shut off.
Wait, most of it already has been shut off.
My family and I receive public assistance- food stamps, medicaid. And no I'm not embarrassed to say this- because `most of my friends are in a similar situation.
We're all in debt and not able to pay our bills. It's even more scary when you have two children and one with special needs that NEEDS a special diet.
Food stamps, and medicaid- have fucked over many people that I know of this month!
MANY people I know got a letter stating their food stamps- and or medicaid- has ended because they didn't fill out a form that was sent to them.
THIS IS A LIE! In ALL cases!
This is illegal.
But imagine what the state is saving by not paying several hundreds- maybe thousands of people- even if it's for only a month!!!
It's an all out SCAM!
Please let me know if this has happened to you as well.
This cannot be tolerated. People IN desperate need of this assistance are in trouble!! Including me- but at least I'm fighting it!
What about the sick, elderly and the mentally challenged that don't know how to fight it!
They are fucked!!!!
This is NOT right. I feel horrible for the people out there going through this.
Please don't be ashamed to come forward that this is happening to you- we must fight this.
I will pray for you- that your family and friends are okay.
I pray for my friends every night-
and hopefully good things, great things will actually start happening for the people that actually deserve it.
Just maybe.