Sunday, March 27, 2011

Yesterday was hell

but tomorrow is looking better- tomorrow I'll see my mama clan at Levi's school.
Yesterday was shit from the very start- I could tell.
Both kids were losing their minds being stuck at home, as was I.
I wanted to go to the farmer's market in prospect park, since it's been month and months since I've been to one.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the farmer's market.
Pure joy, except when I go to the one in union square- where many many obnoxious people go- the food is GREAT, but the people leave a lot to be desired.
Very wealthy, very snotty, very egotistical, and all very young- all of them together- in one place makes me itch or twitch and scream.
YUCK! Snobby people SUCK!
Plus they all HATE children. So when I go there with my lovely wonderfully, insane children, I just HAVE to run them over with my double stroller, after asking them over five times very politely, to move the FUCK outta the way!
They all forget they were once very obnoxious children themselves.
Not to say my kids are obnoxious, they're just LOUD.
Everyone was driving me insane yesterday.
It was a very bad move for me to take my kids outside.
They were in a bad mood to begin with.
Plus it was fuck ass cold outside.
Taking my kids out- is hard. I won't lie. It's difficult.
Don't me wrong I LOVE my babies.
They complete me (Jerry Maguire anyone??).
But they were both screaming all day long!
Plus Dave and I were arguing.
He THOUGHT he knew where we were going, but it turns out he didn't and was walking us for miles and miles for no good reason with two screaming kids.
I KNEW where we were going- and where I wanted to go.
So we aruged- in front of the kids and in front of my sister and her best friend.
Her best friend was worried, and asked my sister if we were okay? My sister nodded- like "This always happens. This is normal for them."
Yeah it is, I won't lie.
I was really annoyed at him, for quite a few blocks.
He ended up apologizing, but I was too fried and tired to really care.
We did go to the farmer's market, in prospect park, and it was wonderful.
The food was great and the people, way more down to earth- just my kind of people.
When we got home finally, the screaming stopped.
Hours later.
I was DONE for the day.
But apparently the day wasn't done with me.
I headed to my bedroom when I saw the horrific state of the main bathroom- and just HAD to clean it from top to bottom.
I hate filth and mess in my home- but that seems to be all there is. ARGH!
Last night, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted but I couldn't fall deep asleep.
I found out why later, Levi was up all night long laughing and sometimes coughing. Oh and Violet threw up last night all over her pillow pets- so I did laundry at 4 a.m.
She's okay, she's had a cold for over a week, and it made her a little nauseous. She was fine afterwards, and happy. Puking isn't a huge deal for my daughter, since she used to gag herself just for fun. I know, strange kid.
So I didn't get much sleep and then I got to start the day all over again. WOOHOO!
Today I cleaned my kitchen- it's so white, I could cry.
Yes, this is how I deal with frustration, and anger. I clean.
How did I become this way??? HOW?! I'd love to know.
I also cooked dinner, wished dishes, took out the garbage.
I live this housewife kinda life- but it ain't me.
I wanna break free. I really do.
I day dream a lot, about my hopes and desires. They seem so far away sometimes.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day, trying not to feel.
I guess this is my true bipolar moment at the core.
I'm fighting inside, just trying to make it through the day, like a normal person.
But truthfully that'll never be me.
I can pretend and play dress up, but in the end- who am I, really?

Sorry I'll cut this short- because I could go on forever.

As always, Kisses Bitches!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Saw the doc today...

Did I mention I was nervous about today?
Yeah, I had reason to be.
I saw the endocrinologist today.
He's brilliant, by the way- no joke.
He actually knew what he was talking about- unlike many of the other doctors I'd seen. They only gave me five minutes- where he gave me at least a half hour.
He was kind, and really smart.
He told me, he HAD to sit down and talk to me after he saw my past blood tests results (over a year's worth).
He said several things-
1- being I have a very low thyroid despite the amount of thyroid meds I'm on.
2- I might have a very very very rare autoimmune disease that causes my body to attack my thyroid, amongst many other things.
3- my thyroid felt smaller than normal and "cobblestone" like.
4- since my thyroid has been low for so many years- he doesn't know the amount of damage my heart has taken, nor my bones. Leading to heart attacks and broken bones.
Fun, huh?!
5- my white blood cell count has been high for several years now- meaning I have to have a sonogram done of my thyroid to rule out cancer.
6- I have several options right now- different medications to try (oh joy!) one being an animal thyroid hormone (NO JOKE!), he said people find it to be "organic" because it comes from an animal! "Are you serious?! You're gonna put BESSIE in me?? I call all cows and pigs, Bessie- don't ask me why. I just do, Okay?!
7- I might have my thyroid removed if, one- they find anything, or two- because no medication will help it.

He also ran a few blood tests- but he didn't expect "any surprises" and told me he'd call me in about 3 days.

On a side note- I don't know if any of you remember- in an older blog post of mine- I mentioned that I have prophetic dreams- always have, since I was a wee little child.
My dreams just come true QUICKER than they did when I was young.
It used to take sometimes years to come true. Now, not so much.
Of course, I do have nightmares from time to time- that are just random fears- or just plain old randomness. But I always know- ALWAYS KNOW- that ones I have to pay attention to- those are the ones that become true.
I really don't care if you believe anything I'm saying right now, or if you believe in psychic abilities- It's not my deal- if you don't believe.
I TRULY, with all my heart, don't give a shit.
I'm just saying what I know to be true.
Anyways- I mentioned about a dream I had, maybe in the fall, where there were three versions of myself- one present (I think?), soon-to-be future and further future. No past.
Now mind you I didn't remember this dream until recently.
And when I remembered it was kind of a shot to my stomach.
One of me- with long blond hair looking very happy.

One emaciated me (in the middle)- completely bald- looking very sickly
One of me- had dark hair short to med length, curly, looking "normal".
All sitting on a bench, on a pier by an unknown lake. looking directly at me.
Staring at me watching..all of them (who are me).
Confusing I know.
But it was like they were foreshadowing my own future.
Staring into my eyes- so that I KNOW.

I'm probably explaining this really badly. I haven't felt right most of the day.
I've been shaking- and the doctor noticed- he asked if I noticed, that I was shaking so much.
That was funny!
My heart stopped a couple of times on my way home, just its usual weird thing it does.
I felt like I was gonna pass out when I got home, I was severely dehyrated apparently.
I'm just guessing at this point.
And I have a migraine just growing- at this point.

But I had to type this blog and get it out there before I forgot any more than I already have, no doubt.

I found out my very very close friend, one of my mama clan, is in the hospital right now. I love her dearly- she is a great, amazing, funny, smart, beautiful person- and I ask that you all pray for her right now, that she gets better.
I love ya Tee! I'm gonna come visit you!!

As always- my only constant-

Kisses Bitches! I love you guys!!! Thanks always for all the support.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sick Eww GROSS!

Yes, it's true- I'm sick yet again. As are my children and my mother.
I feel really really sick, and I'm trying to fight it, because as you all know, moms don't ever have TIME to get sick.
We just don't. There isn't any "sick leave" or "sick days".
My job is 24/7 non-stop.
My kids don't stop, in fact when my kids are sick I have to work overtime. My son sticks to me like crazy glue.
I can't eat in peace, or even a hot meal.
Luckily- and I truly do mean lucky- Dave has really been stepping it up around the house and with the kids, these past few days.
I'm in shock!
And really happy to see that I have some help.
But mostly in shock.
He made me soup! I was like- ok, where'd you put Dave? Where's he hiding?
The kids were laughing, even though they were sick, their daddy was tickling them and playing with them.
Again, I'm shocked!
On the other hand, I still feel like total and complete shit right now.
My heart is doing the weird thing again- the stopping and starting- for some unknown reason. Plus I'm lightheaded.
Jeez, I hate being sick.
I have an endocrinologist appointment on Wednesday, in the city.
I know from what every other doctor has told me, I will not be receiving any good news whatsoever. Oh joy.
I know I have SERIOUS thyroid issues. I know this.
The only questions I have is- What's causing it? And how do we fix it?
Seems simple, right?
Apparently I'm asking how can I hitchike to mars and make it back home by noon, or something.
I have to write a fucking list of all my health problems before I go there, because I know the minute I walk into the doctor's office, my mind goes completely BLANK.

just thought I'd write a quick little something to get back into the swing of things again.

Kisses Bitches!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

What a day!

The kids, my mom and I are all sick- like really sick.
Very yucky sick.
Cold, stuffed head, pain, fever- you get the idea. Dave took the kids out for a little bit- to pick stuff up from the supermarket.

I woke up- (after kinda, sorta napping- or blacking out from medication) to an empty house- well as empty as it gets- my mom and dad were still here.

Even though I felt like shit a dog threw up- truly!- I saw a chance to clean, vacuum and disinfect the house.

And that's what I did. The whole house.

When Dave got back the kids were very happy to be home. We thought Lee was doing a bit better and decided, stupidly, to take the kids out on our back patio to let them run around and get some energy out (and out of the house!).

I was recording them running around- and that's when it happened!
Levi tripped and fell FLAT on his FACE!!! FACE FIRST!!!

I was having a heart attack thinking he broke his face.

Luckily and by the grace of God, Levi was okay- but his face got badly scratched up- straight down the middle of his beautiful baby face!
Bright red blood.

At first he screamed of course- heck I wanted to scream in horror!
But only a few minutes later we took a photo- and he was laughing.

DEAR GOD these kids are gonna be the fucking death of me.

I love them with all my heart- but how many heart attacks can one woman survive, huh???

Did I ever mention how badly cold medication interacts with all my other medications??
But I had no choice. I fell just short of clawing off my own skin.

Me no likey....but sometimes me likey..huh...yeah me likey, me likey A LOT.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tip Toe

These were my fortunes for today- from the wise ol' fortune cookies from the Chinese food take-out place.
I got three- one- because I'm greedy
                 two- because I like cookies.
Any type really- as long as they ain't stale.

But SOMETHING was trying to tell me something that I was supposed to be doing today. Even the wise ol' fortune cookies were in on it!
So I decided to actually listen to what the world around me was trying to say.

I've been suffocating my feelings for so long now- pushing them so far down- that I felt like a zombie- dead inside and out.
I was always tip-toeing around people's feelings.
Like walking on egg shells. Worry what the response or reaction would be.
Well I blew that outta the water today.
Instead of backing down- I stood up.
To my husband and to my mom.
I got into three fights today, no not fist fights, thank goodness.

With my mom, it's hard. I love her so much and I respect her.
I love my mom, she's the shit! No doubt!
But we do have our issues, and they go way way way back to when I was a wee little one.
We fought- loudly, tonight.
And instead of backing down, I said what I thought.
And of course it hurt her- but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to just come clean with her about my feelings.
She got furious at me. And gave me the silent treatment for a bit- I can't handle that.
Maybe it's from when I was with women, but that is like a stabbing in the heart to me.
Yeah I know I just told you my fucking weakness!!!
So please don't exploit it!!!
It's a woman thing- women RULE at the silent treatment.
I'd rather say it and have an all out fight than not speak to each other.

So of course, I went into her room apologizing NOT for what I said, because it was the truth, but because I upset her and that wasn't my intention.
After a lot of crying- from both of us.
She gave me the best compliment, I've ever received from her- in my life.
I'm teary just writing it now-
She said "Thank you for taking care of Kayla all these years. And for taking care of all of us.
You did a great job! And still do so.
I'm sorry to have done that to you.
I love you.
And Thank you."
I said "you're welcome mom."
I've never felt so taken back in my life.
Those are the words I've waited my life to hear, but never expected to hear them.

I also fought with Dave today. I didn't back down (well originally I did, it's just I still am always scared of people's reactions) but in the end, we came to an understanding. At least for now.
I don't feel completely hopeless.
I feel I've gained back some control of my life and I'm not just gonna watch it pass me by.

I had to write this right away, even though my tears are making it hard to see the keyboard. Making it take a long time to type. I'm blind as it is for goodness sakes.

Cried so much today- definitely more than I'm comfortable with.
I felt nauseous for days- but once I started crying the nausea went away.
The emotional pain was making me nauseous and feel sick.
But you know- once that door opens- it can't shut so easily anymore.

This is the end of the blog post-
I'll leave you with my usual
Kisses Bitches!
Be the Kick ASS person you know you can be! ALWAYS!

Pink hair!!!

The other day my very cool and talented hairstylist mama friend, came to my house to color my sister's and my hair.
I've been doing my own hair for so long. And every six months or so, I'd get my hair professionally cut, but I could never afford to get my hair professionally colored.
One of my mama clan members, is a hairstylist- she has purple and blue hair.
And she came over in the evening and spent nearly 5 hours doing my hair.
My hair was so resistant to bleach.
I've said many times before- white girl hair products do not work on my hair, only ethnic products are strong enough. I have afro hair- and that okay with me. At least now it is, when I was younger ALL I ever wanted was "white girl hair".
You know- that silky straight hair that glows in sunlight- like an old Prell shampoo commercial.
Yeah- I know that ain't gonna happen for me- so I might as well embrace my afro hair.
Though now it's a cotton candy pink colored afro!
I've always wanted this hair color but never could do it myself.
My mama got to meet my daughter, and she was awesome with her.
This made me so happy to have company over and to be able to get my hair done.
I was super tired though- and had been for three days- exhausted not just tired.
I was trying caffeine but that didn't even make a dent!
Then yesterday the same thing happened- I was yawning and felt in a haze, while "my twin" ( one of my dearest friends) came over to visit- that I wasn't really awake or in the moment.
I can't seem to really "feel".
I can't feel anything, I think I'm numb.
I've been so angry and resentful for so long- I now feel nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy my friend came over, but I couldn't really FEEL happy- you know what I'm saying?
I know this is due to me being bipolar- but it also has to do with the huge amount of stress I'm under daily.
Levi spent most of the day tantruming yesterday and almost got a handful of my hair- I caught him in time, he had a grip on a chunk of my hair- before he could run away with it- I got him to loosen his grip, somehow.
He also banged his head really hard against my clavicle.
I have to hold him so that he doesn't break his skull open on the floor, or table or chairs. Even if that means getting beat up by him in the process.
Plus he was up all night long last night.
I'm so tired, even though Dave was handling the night shift.
I feel like I'm daydreaming- or that I haven't woken up yet from slumber.
Like things aren't real somehow- my life isn't really happening.
And no medication or anyone can change that feeling.
I'm just trying to feel even an ounce of happiness every day.
Whether it be from my kids giggling, or seeing my mama clan at Levi's school.

Sorry I'm kind of rambling at this point.
I just want to truly FEEL something, ya know?

Kisses Bitches!!!

This is a photo of my hair

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

What Nightmares are made of..

SHIT! day- today.
Today sucked hairy-balls-monkey-ass feet!!!

The day started with me feeling like shit- no- more like I was shit on and ATE shit.
That's more what it felt like.
I've been feeling physically okay for two weeks, not mentally at all- but physically.
Today- all the good- went flying out the window-
I've been really really tired for three days- and coffee ain't cuttin' it.
Like ZOMBIE kinda tired- I might start eating brains at this point!
And I've been getting sleep! That's the killer! I've been getting sleep- but I'm even more exhausted.
Then today I was feeling like I was gonna pass the fuck out flat on my face.
So I took another thyroid pill, hoping it would magically up my incredibly low thyroid.
NAH- it didn't.
Anyways to make a long story short-
this is what happened TODAY:
-Had nightmares all night long about vomiting- and my Violet vomiting- very weird.
-I was nauseous ALL DAY LONG.
-I broke a glass in the kitchen, shattered everywhere- cleaned it up half asleep.
-took Levi to school
-came back- he started tantrumming- why? I have no clue- he wasn't hungry, or wet.
-He bashed his chin into the crib, was okay- then when we put him down to run around- he walked fast straight into my parents doorway!
He hit it so hard he FLEW backwards!!!
He had a big bump on his head- still screaming Dave and I put ice and pressure to the bump/bruise- so it wouldn't get any bigger. I was freaking out and trying not to show it- I felt like throwing up!
- Levi's bump went down, as much as possible- it's still bruised
Violet then pushed him down- making him bang his head AGAIN.
Violet was going to get a time out when Dave had to change her diaper- and the POOP diaper fell on the living room carpet!!
That was the last straw! I screamed a fucking HORROR MOVIE SCREAM- so loud!
Get the shit off my carpet!!!
I can laugh about this now- but then I was FREAKED. No one was cleaning it up fast enough.
I couldn't take much more!

Could I even possibly write this if it weren't true???
No one can make this shit up!

That is my life.

Now Levi and Violet are at peace sleeping for the time being- until the day starts again at midnight to them waking up every hour.


I love my babies- I really do.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

God Bless Tequila!

I went out Friday night with my ex-girlfriend.
I felt guilty about leaving the kids home with their daddy and auntie.
At first I was going to take both my kids and my sister with me, and go to the mall.
But I was angry, and got into an argument with Dave, how I never get a break.
I'm always going out with the kids- it's not fair.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my children but shopping with them is impossible!!!
I went to the mall yesterday with my kids, my sister, my mom and Dave- and it WAS IMPOSSIBLE!
Levi was screaming and banging his head against the stroller for over an hour- for absolutely no reason whatsoever!
And Violet was cranky and having tantrums the entire time.
I'm so glad I got a break on Friday night.
She met my mama clan at Lee's school, well most of the mama clan- a few important members were missing that day. Booohooooo!
Then we headed to her place where we picked up her little niece, one of the coolest chicks I've ever met, and her sister- equally cool.
We went to a mall for a bit- but we both quickly realized- it sucked!
The mall- I mean.
So we left.
We both needed a serious time out from our families.
So we dropped off her family and headed to the city for some fries.
At Pomme Frites of course!!! The very best fry place in the city.
It was freezing cold that night- and I wasn't dressed properly for the weather- so we decided to get shots! You know, to keep ourselves warm.
Tequila shots- at a place nearby- it was very cheap- and very delicious!
God Bless Tequila!!!
I love you tequila!
Be my friend!

I felt every emotion in about five minutes flat.
Sad and happy. It's crazy.
But it really did help me decompress.
It was awesome spending time with her, we talked and talked and talked.
It was a great night.
Afterwards we headed to my house- where for the very first time ever-
Dave, my ex and I hung out.
I was AMAZING and almost unbelievable!!!

By the way- sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. So much has happened- and I've been so busy, I couldn't decided or remember what to blog about next!

This blog is short and sweet- like me- but without the sweet part.

Kisses Bitches!