Monday, May 31, 2010

Strange things happening...

Strange things are happening in this apartment- they always have been- but now it's undeniable.
For example- I put on the air conditioner in our bedroom, noticed it was at 70 degrees- then went to Levi because he was banging his head against the crib- then noticed the air conditioner again, and it was at 68 degrees! I hadn't touched it.
Just weird things like this all the time. I swear there's something here, in my house. It drives me nuts.
I've been having trouble sleeping as it is- this just adds to it.
I've also been near fainting a bunch of times. This place is toxic I tell you.
I've been dreaming about Florida. It would be wonderful to have a backyard- maybe even a pool and be near Dave's family.
I'm so OVER New York. I have been for a long time. New York is for the rich- the poor just suffer here. Especially families.
If I were rich- then living in new york wouldn't be such a hassle- except for the ice cold winters- I HATE cold weather. And Levi always overheats in his snowsuits. He hates extreme weather- and that's all there is in New York.
Every time I step outside with the kids- someone's going to melt. I know Florida is HOT- but there you don't have to walk everywhere. In the subway stations in New York, it's ridiculously hot and on the buses there's no room.
In the city there's so much walking- in hot hot heat- which my kids don't tolerate well at all. Especially Levi- when he gets over heated he sometimes convulses. Which is really really scary.
I bought portable air conditioners for the strollers- because it gets so bad- but it's barely making a difference.
I want to see my family happy again, is that asking for too much?
Every lawyer I've contacted to sue the landlord- wants money up front- and I don't have any.
I'm calling legal aid yet again tomorrow morning.
All this trouble- for what?- all the landlord has to do is pay us- not even a lot- just enough to get out. This guy is such a fucking prick!!!!
I don't feel well- but I'm struggling and forcing myself to go the distance, to get through the day, today and then the next- not for me- but for my babies.
I'm tired- I'm going to TRY to get some sleep.

Kisses Bitches!
XO

Friday, May 28, 2010

Looking up?

Are things starting to finally look up????
Last night Levi's fever finally broke!
Yesterday the CPSE ( NYC Board of Ed) official, who originally declined my daughter any additional services (that were desperately needed!!!), called yesterday. Why, you ask?
Because DAVE called him and left a message. SEE!?! I told you so! If I had called- nothing would have happened. I had emailed him TWICE!
But one phone call from DAVE, and he called back shortly after, we will be having another meeting to discuss Violet possibly getting the additional home therapies, she needs so badly.
Hallelujah!
As for our apartment...nothing is looking up at all just yet.
I'm trying to think of where we could move to- I'm still hoping for a decent buyout offer- at this point decent being the keyword. Amazing, would be better.
I feel like my so called "home" isn't mine anymore. As if it was never my home in the first place because I've lived in fear of losing it since I was nine years old ( when we got our first-of yearly-eviction notices). I'm tired of feeling this way and being harassed by our landlord. Especially now that I have children. I don't want them growing up the way I did. I want more for them and for them to feel safe in their own home.
I look forward to the day we get our new place. Opening the door- and taking a deep breath, the deep breath of freedom.
It's like I'm a prisoner in my own home.
On another note- Levi is making more sounds- and having serious separation anxiety. He calls for me ALL day and night long. Which I find really sweet and not annoying. He also has been trying new foods. His favorite?? Meatballs!
Dave actually cooked dinner last night and made B.A.M.- Big Ass Meatballs!
They were delicious!!! And Levi thought so as well.
He was falling asleep after I fed him some- then saw Dave's plate of meatballs and wanted MORE! Even though he was falling asleep!
That's my boy! Hungry ALL the time!

This is a photo from this morning's walk outside. I forgot his sunglasses, so I put Violet's sunglasses on him. He looks fierce. And has "Crazy eyes" in the photo for some weird reason- maybe he saw something he wasn't supposed to see?!
Kisses Bitches!!!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Today..today... today


This morning started off just great. I mean this sarcastically of course.
I waited downstairs with my daughter Violet in the front of the building for her school bus for half an hour. It never arrived!
I called the bus company and the bus driver called me a liar saying he was there- and I wasn't! Which is completely false and I have a witness to back me up.
I feel like everyone walks all over me because I'm a woman and I sound young.
I had several lawyers walk all over me- but the minute Dave gets on the phone- they have a different tone.
When Dave asks the bus driver if he was calling me a liar- he backed the fuck up- and decided that from now on he would call when he was a few minutes away from my house. See?!
I'm having such a rough time with everything lately. But I'm STILL trying to stay positive. My boy Marco, has been an angel, and has been trying his hardest to help me. He's my family- we would do anything for each other.
Dave has been helping around the house more. He even cleaned up the living room and the kitchen today- making my life a little less stressful.
I thought I had found a lawyer- now he asks me how to I plan on paying him? All of a sudden, since it was decided it would be taken out of the settlement- now he's saying he needs money from me sooner more than later.
FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!
I really can't deal with lawyers. Except for my best girl- you know who you are- but you're in St.Thomas- and I miss you terribly and your boy Joe, you both are AWESOME lawyers and people!
So now the search continues. I've called legal aid- my very last hope- and they told me to call them again- but on Tuesday- ONE week from my court date, on which the landlord will demand rent.
I'm prepared for the worst.
What happens if we don't get a buyout and have to move because we can't afford the rent here???
Where would we go?
These are questions rattling around my cage of a mind right now.
Oh yeah and my daughter's "Team meeting"- the meeting where all her therapists and teachers gather to discuss her progress, have all but one cancelled.
And most of them are picking on me about her attendance!
She is SICK!!! Really ILL!!! What the fuck don't they fucking understand!?!
I want nothing more than to send my daughter to school everyday and for her to have her therapies. They make it seem like I'm a shitty mother or something. Which I KNOW for a fact I'm not!
I'm frustrated.
I wish Dave would talk to everyone for me- than maybe we could get stuff done- because at the end of the day- I'm still a woman- and men in power find women inferior to them.
That irks me so much.

Why do ALL the WRONG people have money!?!

Wish me luck in finding a new home- and lawyer.

Kisses to all my powerful, caring, wonderful bitches out there!!!
Lemme hear you ROAR!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This Positively SUCKS ASS!


Today started groggy.
Last night and this morning, I gave Lee a bath again due to a high fever- that we can't seem to break. I'm hoping today will be that lucky day.
I found out my mom's hours have been cut down due to problems in the company she works for- so there will be even less money coming in.
Then I got Violet's school photo... OH MY GOD! She looks miserable! She looks a wreck! I called the "photographers"- I put this in quotes because "photographers", after seeing this photo, they are certainly NOT, to see if the photo could be retaken. Well it turns out it's up to the school, if the photographers do a re-shoot.
Oy!
This whole time- since 9 A.M. Men have been working on my front door. They are still here- NINE hours later. They were supposed to replace our front door due to lead paint. You would think this would be easy- but nooooooo of course not.
Turns out the landlord won't replace the locks on our door until we let the rest of the repairs get done. We would LOVE for the repairs to be done- but they sent painters that AREN'T certified in mold removal. So they would just end up PAINTING over the mold- yet AGAIN. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
And the landlord threatened to sue US over having "too many people" in one apartment.
YEAH! Can you believe this shit!?! Our apartment's size is equal in square feet to a four bedroom! Way big enough for all of us- plus WE DON'T want to be here anymore anyways!!!!
I'm at my rope's end. I was turning red and shaking earlier- I'm at a loss and thinking of my options.
My dad just came home, and said he has to pay back the petty cash money he borrowed, and he's short $50.
On another note- We filed an appeal on our food stamps/medicaid case that was wrongfully shut down.
I'm just waiting for a crazy huge explosion to finish the day- seeing the way it's been going thus far.
Oh yeah, and for awhile there- our door didn't close! My blood was boiling!
Dave finally got the door to close and lock.
I'm so pissed at this fucker!
Dave was able to pry our lock off from the old door, so in actuality- the landlord doesn't have our locks to keep from us thank goodness.
Where's my fucking miracle when I need it????????!!!!!


I apologize for the long rant session, but please understand where I'm coming from.
I'm very frustrated and tired of being fucked with.
I can't wait to fucking move out already!!!!


At the end- I just have to sit back and laugh at how fucking horrifying today was.
Here is my daughter's very very sad school photo. I have to say she is so much more beautiful than she looks in this photo. My poor child!!! And look at the background!!! It looks like something is coming out of her head! The photographers SUCK!!!!!

Kisses to my beautiful wonderful, caring, loving bitches out there!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Doctors Doctors Doctors!!!

Last night was a nightmare- not only was I awake for most of it, but because my son had a fever of 103 degrees!
He does get fevers frequently about once every month, we know what to do at this point- Cold bath, Motrin, air conditioner.
It worked, twice last night.
Dave is still very ill and looks like a zombie- his eyes are BRIGHT RED!
No, it's not pink eye. We found out it's due to the severe infection in his throat.
He was also having trouble breathing last night. Several times in the night- he STOPPED breathing!!! And then awhile later- gasp!
I know, you're all going to say it's sleep apnea. Which it is and you're right.
But mixed with the abscess in his throat, yes- abscess, he REALLY couldn't breathe.
So this morning we all went to see the family doctor. He now has us on speed dial- that should tell you something.
He put Dave on very strong antibiotics- very expensive antibiotics- which cost all of the money I made from selling my clothes and toys on Saturday.
The doctor hopes it's not to late for the antibiotics to work, and that Dave won't have to go to the hospital. I hope so too.
I was tossing and turning last night for hours, and realized hey wait a minute...I'm still fucking awake!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
And then I thought- maybe I'm awake because Levi's going to have a fever...
I don't know why I thought this- because before last night he didn't have one.
So yeah....about half an hour later- BAM! 103 temperature!
I was very hyper today. Not happy-hyper more anxious-hyper. And I was also very chatty. Very.
I'm thinking...a little manic, most probably. Not a lot, not dangerous, just enough for me to take notice.
Plus I've had a lot of people commenting on my- not on purpose-weight loss. I always tell people it's due to stress, which it partly is. The other part, when I'm manic- I'm not that hungry and when I do eat the food burns really really fast- because I'm hyper active. I'm very cautious right now because a little manic- not dangerous and sometimes can be quite useful but full blown manic- bad, very bad.
I was going to totally freak out last night- between my two kids being sick AND Dave being sick. If you're a parent, than you know when your child is ill, your world STOPS! So when EVERYONE is sick- man, it's like a kick to the stomach. I forgot how to breathe!!!
I'm worried. I'm a worrier. And there's plenty to worry about.
I'm praying more than I've ever prayed before.
Thanks to a little mania- I'm not spiralling into a deep depression...just yet. I'm actually feeling positive and happy. Worried- but happy and positive that everyone will get better.
Like I said- a little mania can be USEFUL. At least for me, anyways.

I think I'll head to bed soon- if not to sleep, to just think about things.

Thanks for listening to me-
Sending lots of love to all of you.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Best Day in a very long time.


As you all know my kids and Dave are very ill, as am I.
I decided Not to go to the plus-size modeling contest,and instead sell my prize collection of toys ( mint in box) and old clothes for money for some much needed food.
Little did I know, that I would be helping other poor people like me today.
The booth next to me was a jewelry designer- very fabulous! We became friends. She's awesome!!! And she might use me to model some of her jewelry- which is stunning!!! She's so talented!!!
I also saw the head of the modeling agency I work for! Apparently we live close by.
It was quite a surprise but a very nice one at that.
Originally I was going to donate all the clothes ( baby's clothes and mine) to a charity. But most of them re-sell it, which means it doesn't go to the people that really need it.
Luckily I met a lot of people, that I talked to, and found out we were in the same boat. I handed back this wonderful woman's money, because, she like me, was poor. I gave her the clothes. She felt guilty because I was poor too. I told her- that I wish I could do more, at the very least- I can do this. To which she FINALLY excepted.
See most poor people, don't except hand-out- or help-ups as I call them. They are too proud. So I did this repeatedly.
A rich person, that I sold a dress to, mentioned to me what a nice thing I did and she hopes I sell a lot, because I deserve it.
That was a really sweet thing to say and helping all these people made me feel fulfilled.
I also got a name of a woman's shelter that I can donate the rest of the clothes to. So I know it will go to the people that need it.
I also gave away a lot of star wars toys to little kids that couldn't afford much.
The smile on their faces, made my day. It was a fantastic day.
I'm glad in the end, I didn't go to the contest, because then I wouldn't have met these wonderful, caring, beautiful people.
On another note- I was also selling a lot of my old shoes- shoes that were too small-pregnancy made me feet grow, grrrr. SO here's a photo of some of the shoes. Most were stiletto heels, some 9" high, others were platform, knee high boots, mostly boots I'd worn for photo shoots, and maybe some other occasions.
Anyways- EVERY single guy that walked by, with or without a girlfriend, took one look at my shoes, then me with a certain look- as if to say " KINKYYYYYYYY!!!!"
I always here my boy Marco's voice when saying this word "Kinkyyyyyyy".
And yes, I am a Kinky bitch, even if I'm a mom of two.

It was a magical day. I feel full inside- my heart filled with joy. It's a great feeling- can't wait to experience that again.


Kisses my beautiful KINKY bitches!!! You better WORK!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Mommy Likey.

It's been a long long day.
Dave was ill today and couldn't function, so he stayed in bed. He woke me up in the morning to tend to the children. I had to wake Kayla up very slowly, because I didn't want her to pass out again.
It was a bit of chaos in the morning, my mom helped a bit before she went for jury duty.
I'm still very ill. And my focus goes in and out. I'm now having similar problems to my sister (she was diagnosed with P.O.T.S.- no, not weed- look it up on WEB MD)
It turns out it can happen to people with thyroid problems, which I have.
I've been pushing through it all day long.
But there were some moments throughout the day that made it all totally worth it.
First- Violet was in a much better mood today and was hugging me and letting me kiss and hold her.
Second- Levi called me "MAMA!" and lit up when I came in the room and crawled towards me. Also, when putting him to sleep tonight, he rolled around his crib, and when he was having difficulty falling asleep, he said "mama" to me to pick him up and rock him to sleep.
It totally made my day. That both my kids showed me love today. And to Levi, I'm his everything. YEAH, the feeling is so indescribable.
It makes the whole day, and just about everything, worthwhile.
I notice I talk to myself now. Especially since no one seems to listen to me when I'm talking. I like to amuse myself.
I was really tired from running around juggling the kids, and cooking, trying to get Dave to eat and drink so he would feel better. I couldn't believe I had to force feed him. Why is it that men do the exact opposite of what they need to feel better. I actually had to be forceful. And of course after listening to me, he is now feeling a bit better. Man, we go through this every time, several times a year, every year! It's exhausting. But kind of funny at the same time.
I saw a bottle of Diet Coke in the fridge and said "Thank you lord Jesus Christ"- which is hilarious if you know me- I was raised Jewish.
Then while pouring a glass I mumbled to myself " Oh yeah.... Mommy LIKEY."
And then burst into laughter.
YES, I amuse myself, all the time. And now, talk to myself. I never said I wasn't crazy. In fact, this proves I am. And I'm okay with that.


Kisses to all the hot mamas out there!!!
Remember... Mommy likey!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I was wrong.


I didn't GAIN two pounds. I actually lost two pounds. I found out. And got weighed again today and another doctor's office and lost another 2 pounds in TWO DAYS.
Let me explain why- 2 reasons- STRESS and NO FOOD.
Yup. you put those two things together and you get that near passing out feeling all day.
We're fighting to get our food stamps back, after they stopped them for no good reason, other than saving THEM money. FUCK~
So yeah- the food situation.
Thanks to some family members- we'll be okay for a couple of days. I'm going to sell my shit at a nearby block fair. I was planning on donating my kids old clothes, but it turns out we need the money really badly.
Dave doesn't want me to sell my collectibles for pennies, but I don't really think we have a choice.
I have a huge star wars collection- Yes! I'm a really big time uber-nerd.
I also have plenty of other toys, I planned on giving to my children, since I don't really have money to leave them, I have mint in box ( never opened) toys galore from way back when. This is my nerd legacy.
It pains me to sell these things, because they are the only things I have to leave for my kids.
And yes, I have been thinking a lot about death lately. No, not killing myself.
I'm just really ill right now, most of which I cannot go into detail about here because it's too personal.
I just feel really beat down physically and emotionally.
My daughter is very very ill. She has an antibiotic resistant UTI, that's hurting her badly.
The anitbiotics made her even sicker. And she's just screaming and tantruming ALL day. It's exhausting. I'm trying everything to make her better. I feel she's regressing big time. I'm scared. She was making so much progress only to now take several steps backwards. I don't know what to do. I feel I'm doing everything wrong.
All this aside- I'm proud of myself, for keeping it together thus far, even while on antibiotics. And believe me, it's very hard.
Some days I go to bed, after a day like today, and feel like I have nothing left- to give- to anyone. I have nothing for myself. I give ALL of me all day and night. I don't have anymore of me left. If I was a bit more girlie- I would probably cry. But I don't like that feeling. Being vulnerable. It irks me. I'm more of a guy that way. EW, feelings! I'm more the detached type of personality. It's really an aquarius thing, so I'm told.

So yeah- I'm trying not to go further down the weight loss rabbit hole of doom.
Wish me luck!!!!

Love all you crazy ass bitches!!!!
By the way, I'm listening to Nirvana's Lithium- how fitting.

*Here's a photo from my photo shoot.

Monday, May 17, 2010

2 fucking pounds.

Today I went to the doctor, and emergency appointment. It's a personal matter. Yes I actually don't share everything here, not even half of everything here.
And I'm going to yet another doctor tomorrow.
Did I mention I hate hospitals?!
They are the dirtiest places on the planet. Totally gross. I always get sick from there. And I've been there a lot lately, sad to say.
So I got weighed today. I haven't been affected by being weighed in a long time.
I used to go into doctor's offices guessing I'd be at least 30 lbs overweight- so that no matter what I'd be pleasantly surprised. I know it's crazy, but that was my thing.
This brings me back to when I was in the hospital for my eating disorders, definitely a time I cannot ever forget. Every morning we would be woken up at 5:30 A.M. to get weighed. Actually correction, first they would make us go pee, check our urine ( the color), then weigh us. While we were still in our PJs. We'd never be allowed to see the number- only the nurses could. Then we would go back to sleep for an hour and a half- and go force ourselves to eat breakfast, within the given 45 minute time slot they gave us. The walls were covered in rules. Eating rules all eating disorder patients have created for themselves. These rules were the opposite of those, and all we HAD to obey. We could not cut our food into ridiculously tiny bits, we had to finish our plate, no matter what, there were hundreds of rules. All meant to make us better, not worse like we had been doing.
Anyways- this humiliation, was startling at first, but I got used to it quick. And picked on the newcomers when they pissed me off by bitching about the rules. I ran the joint when I was there. Me and my girl, Julia.
one night we went into the only boy patients room. He was a teenager ( turns out he didn't have anorexia, he had crohn's disease and that's why he couldn't gain ANY weigh no matter what)- back to the point, we went into the room and taught him about sex.
No we didn't demonstrate we just made it seem as gross as fucking possible. And just watched his face go white than green, priceless! Julia and I were trouble makers for sure. I miss her so much. Bipolar E.D. (eating disorder) sisters. She was my sister from another mother, for sure.
So here I was, today being weighed. Ten months after giving birth by C-section to my son Levi. I got on the scale and it said ...132 lbs.
It didn't affect me at first but while in the waiting room for a crazy long time. I heard "the voice". E.D. chicks know "the voice". It's the voice that tells you all the bad things about yourself. You're FAT! You're disgusting! And on and on.
This wasn't that extreme, it used to be that's for sure.
In my old journal that I kept during my hospitalizations there were pages of FAT written over them and just that.
The voice was telling me "You gained two pounds"
The response- in my head was then "132 lbs is nothing. Calm down."
"You gained two pounds!" it'd answer back
"But I thought you wanted to gain weight, you know for the modeling gig???"
To which it replied " You can't handle this. 2 pounds can't turn into more, you can't let that happen!"
So the end of this story. I'm broken. And I hate that. Being broken. I have so much baggage, so much crazy inside of me. I hate knowing I'm broken.
I can't stand broken BITCHES!
I got to fix me.
It has to do with the lack of control I have with all the fucking horse shit that's happening to my family.
I feel helpless. I don't like that feeling. I need to control something,right?
I don't believe ever that EVERYTHING is out of my control. I won't believe it.
I just won't.
I need to take back the control that's been taken from me, by doctors, by my landlord. Everyone that's making feel this pain.
I wonder what'll happen when a broken doll gets fixed. It might get angry.
In this case VERY angry.


To all my E.D. sisters out there. Being hospitalized, although it didn't CURE me, nothing ever does, it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. I only wish I would have stayed longer. When I came home, that's when everything fell a part again ( a whole other story). But if I had stuck to the plan and MADE my family stick to the plan for me, things might have been different for while. Just maybe.
If you are suffering from an E.D., know that I've experienced most of them- for over half my lifetime. I'm willing to listen, if you're willing to talk.
There is help out there, but of course it all starts with a decision made by you to change, finally, for the better, and fix yourself, ya dig?

Amen.

Kisses to all my different shapes and sizes bitches! I love you!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Playing Catch up.


So...I'm on antibiotics now. For numerous reasons, one being I was just getting sicker and sicker- I'm on some of the strongest antibiotics out there. Prepare for craziness. Antibiotics totally throw off my bipolar medication- and get this- I'll be on these meds for TWO whole weeks!!!
Yeah I know- long time. But I'll do whatever it takes at this point.
So I ran outside and took Levi out for some fresh air to the pharmacy. Picked up my meds, ran home and took them.
But you can't take them on an empty stomach so I grabbed a protein bar. This just so happens to be Gluten free. And boy- could I tell. It was so ...Chewy,to put it nicely.
I don't really spend a lot of my precious time chewing. Chewing for Pussies!
Well not really. But it could be. Then again you don't "chew" on a pussy.
Anyways- Enough about pussies! Get your head out of the gutter!!!
You filthy beast!
Way off topic!
I decided I am going to go to the model search, I got a personal invite to it. Which I guess is a good sign. So it's next Saturday. I'm nervous but super excited at the same time.
I'm trying to eat more- not necessarily junk food. Just more of what I usually eat, and I'm am kind of a health nut, except for the gallons of diet soda I drink, and the sugar I have on tap.
So I have a lot on my mind- and today I'm going to do some modeling- to update my portfolio. It's been awhile, I need to get back into the groove.
I'll be sure to post them on my modeling site when they're done (www.serenabeana.com). And of course I'll post a couple here as well.
They're sure to be a lot of fun.
Last night I got into a bad argument with Dave. Real bad. I was a total wreck and very emotional ( which is very unlike me- I'm usually very detached) But we're working on making things better, for the both of us and our kids.
I had nightmares last night, about our fight. There was a shark attacking a tiger, that scared Violet really badly. You should know I'm deathly afraid of sharks- after watching a marathon of Jaws movies when I was a wee little girl, scarred me for life.
There's a lot on my mind right now- but I have to put it aside, fight off being sick and get FIERCE!


WORK BITCHES! WORK!


Kisses to all my fierce Bitches out there!
Wish me luck!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Long Long Long day

I went to court today, yet again. Nothing has been solved.
The hunt for a lawyer continues. It's so exhausting.
I was up almost all night, freaking out. Basically having a total meltdown.
I was cycling really badly. And that only leads to bad things. So I took an extra Geodon. This medication works within 15 minutes (it's for my bipolar disorder). And started feeling much much better, thank goodness.
Violet was screaming most of the night because she was not feeling well.
So after court today, I made several calls and then took Violet for an emergency doctors appointment.
Violet has many health problems, all of which can't be addressed by just one doctor, it takes so many.
Right now the problem is she keeps getting UTIs ( urinary tract infections) we think this is because she has urinary reflux, which if left untreated can lead to kidney failure. Yes, kidney failure.
On top of trying to find a good lawyer, I'm trying to get better myself.
I've been sick nearly a month, as has my son. And now Violet.
I'm in the midst of getting her multiple doctors appointments and tests. It never ever ends.
Dave complains that I have half empty seltzers bottles all over the house.
This is because every single time I open a bottle and try to drink, something happens- either one of the kids wants the bottle, or someone calls, or the doorbell rings, you get the point.
So at this rate I have no time to drink, let alone eat. Last night I realized I barely ate all day. No wonder why I felt so horrible. Stress makes me even more sick and really nauseous- so even thinking about eating, when I'm freak out, just makes it worse.
Dave's going to try to help me out more with all the jobs I have. He sees it's really wearing me down a lot.
When he says this- I breathe a sigh of relief.
I feel bad for my husband. He rarely gets any sleep. There seems to be no time in the day or night, to get these much needed hours. I need more help around the house and with the kids, but I feel horrible asking for these things from him, because I know how tired he is.
It's a dreadful cycle. Ongoing cycle.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot and we have to fight to get back our medicaid and food stamps in the middle of all this chaos.
In the short time I was actually sleeping last night, I had a vision of the place I will eventually move to.
I asked God to show me where I would be living. I still don't know where, but I think it was someplace warm. My family and I lived in a house I had never ever seen before in my life. It was enormous compared to our apartment. Violet and Levi each had their own rooms. We had a two floor patio! It was amazing. The basement was pretty empty except for a washing machine and dryer. And...get this there was a leak from the ceiling of my basement. And I was ranting in the dream how we just freaking bought this place, how could this already be already happening?! Funny, huh?
Well this dream gave me hope. Hope I didn't have before. In the end I will have moved out of this toxic place and into a beautiful new home big enough for my family, where everyone would be happy and most importantly healthy.
Here's to hoping.

Thanks everyone, for all of your support through these rough times.
It's really appreciated.
Maybe my miracle is coming. Just maybe.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Please Pray for me


I'm so nervous about going to court tomorrow. I just really want a buyout. I don't want to be in this apartment any longer, especially when they start repairing the place. My son and I have been sick for three weeks!!! With an upper respiratory infection, and it's not going away anytime soon.
I feel terrible, my throat and body hurt so badly, so I know my son is feeling the same.
I'm so scared for my family. I need a huge lump sum of a settlement tomorrow. I'm worried I'll be fucked over again. I'm trying to stay positive.
I have hope for tomorrow, I've been thinking for weeks what to say to the judge.
I'm up at night thinking these things for hours and hours.
The only thing I could think of is if you, my beloved friends and family, collectively pray for my family, for a miracle for us.
Even if you don't believe in God, please please please, just wish then for things to get better for us.
Maybe if God hears enough people ask the same thing, maybe just maybe things will finally get better, much much better!
I need a miracle for tomorrow, I need God to change this landlord's mind- and make him a good person for just one day.
I need this buyout so badly.
Please everyone pray or wish for me and my family today/tonight.
So we can better our lives.

Thank you all so much, in advance for helping us all out.

I love you all.
God Bless you.

Monday, May 10, 2010

A chance-part two


I can't do it. I'm a chicken.
I can't purposely gain weight. I think that would make my ED (eating Disorder) come back full blast.
I am however trying to eat more often. I've been feeling faint lately and excessively tired all the time.
I even had a regular coca cola!!! I know! Insanity! For shame! ha ha.
I know this is silly, but I've drank diet soda since my grandmother forced it on me at age 12, like she did so many things.
I'm still undecided about the contest. There has been some confusion over at what size "plus" technically starts at. For each company it's different, either size 10 or 12 usually. This company happens to start at size 12.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. And of course my kids spent most of the day screaming at the top of their lungs.
I woke up around 7 A.M. to Gluten free pancakes made by Dave. Which was very sweet. He was wide awake, another oddity. I asked him, if this wakefulness would last he replied "Yeah! Totally!"
Which was a complete lie. And the rest of the day I spent trying to keep him awake.
We tried to go to the mother's day street fair around our neighborhood, but the 40 mph winds were a bit too much for me- I felt like I was going to be blown away. So we got about two blocks from the house, then turned back.
I was really not in a good mood at all yesterday. I found out my thyroid is now overactive, unlike two months ago when it was way under active.
This makes me really irritable, tired, nervous, the whole works.
I can't really do anything about it because this happens to me through out the year not matter what I do. So I kind of have to just ride it out.
I apologized several times yesterday for being bitchy. I felt bad because my family didn't deserve it at all.
Levi and I have been sick for the past two and a half weeks with an upper respiratory infection, that doesn't look like it's going away. Of course this is because of the mold in my apartment that hasn't been fixed.
So he's been screaming for days in pain. I feel horrible for my baby boy.
Plus he's been puking up everything he eats, and he's been eating less and less.
I have many things to worry about right now, food stamps, medicaid, my babies, the apartment,court, the modeling contest, the list goes on and on.

I'm very stressed at the moment. Trying to be positive even though things aren't looking too good at all.


Thanks for everyone's support.
Love and kisses Bitches!!!
Work that shit!

* this is a new photo of my son working it;)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

DARN IT- part two


Oh yea, and I found out today that my husband and my daughter have no medicaid all of a sudden!!!
Yeah, you heard me.
Medicaid and food stamps at the same time, coincidence??? I THINK NOT!
It happened in January and now only a few months later.
I hate that this is all happening at the same time.
I found out at the pharmacy when I couldn't pick up medication because, the insurance was not going through.
On the way to the pharmacy something flew into my eye, and I was partially blind, in Walgreen's. Then when I went to the cashier, my card wasn't going through.
Another day in hell.
Happy FUCKING Goddamn cock sucking thundercunt of a Mother's Day weekend!

Oh yea- and Happy Mother's day to all the deserving Mothers out there.
God Bless you all. I hope you DO have a wonderful, magical weekend. Unlike me.

Kisses Bitches!

A chance...



An opportunity has been given to me. To be a Plus-size model, actually a spokesperson for a plus-size clothing company. An amazing opportunity, problem is I'm not plus size anymore, I've been losing weight, not on purpose, but mainly because of stress and lack of money to buy food that I actually enjoy.
I submitted myself awhile ago, to this model search, and they asked me to come to the event, and walk the runway, have photos taken, etc.
Now if I actually got this, it would be a huge opportunity for my family and I.
But there's no guarantee that I would definitely win this amazing title, of being the company's spokesperson. I have pretty much till the end of the month, to go up a couple of sizes. And no, I wouldn't be gorging on food. Actually I don't know how I'd do it, I'd probably just start eating things I like again.
Dave wants me to do this really badly. Another thing is I would be traveling a lot, which to me is a downside because of my kids.
He thinks I could win this. I want to believe I could.
What do you guys think I should do.
Because I actually make more money being plus-size than I ever seem to make being thin. I don't know why, but unless I'm size 00 again, or a size 16, no one wants me when I'm somewhere in between. It's very bizarre. Extremes always sell.
Please let me know what you think.

I'll be looking forward to hearing from you.

*Here's photos from when I was size 00, and when I was plus size.

DARN IT!

Tough times.
Money is dwindling. Our fridge and freezer is near empty.
Food stamps closed our case, because they do this to us, and everyone else, illegally for no fucking reason other than, they know most of us won't fight it because we don't know how.
They say always they sent a form for all of us to fill out- but they never did. And they know this.
It always happens to everyone around the same times of the year. It sucks!
Food Stamps SUCK! They know what they're doing is wrong. And it almost never happens to the people that don't need it, the one's that have money, but say they don't.
Which is definitely NOT the case of my family.
We're way behind on the rent, we have hardly any money for food. I'm trying to make sure I have money for diapers. We are overdrawn on our bank accounts. This SUCKS royally.
Thank GOD, I have family that orders us meat for our freezer once a month, it helps immensely, without that we'd be fucked, big time.
We ordered some food, making our accounts overdrawn because we had no choice.
I'm going to court on Thursday, hoping to get a big buyout from the landlord, instead of going back and forth to court all the time, and make all our problems disappear!
I don't know where we would move to, I'm looking at Brooklyn and even- gulp...New Jersey.
I have issues with Jersey, because there are many cancer clusters and their autism rates are sky high. But the living costs are really low, especially compared to the city.
I wish we could move someplace warm, like Florida, near Dave's family. But there are little to no jobs there. But that still is an option.
I have to find a place soon, hoping that the landlord gives us a decent buyout. We have enough of a case ( actually MORE than enough) against him, but he's not a good man, actually the opposite of a good man.
Things in the city are so expensive. I can't wait to move somewhere, that we could actually afford. I love my friends here, but I really don't have a choice to move far or not. If I won the lotto tomorrow, I'd be the happiest person alive. I would donate to numerous charities, and set up more shelters, better shelters for the homeless in the city. There are so many things I'd like to do, but need the money to do so.
My kids deserve better than this. I know I have family members that feel I should have never had children, because I couldn't afford to support them. But I learned this from my mom, if I waited till I could afford to have children, I wouldn't never had them. And I would never ever wish for Violet and Levi to not exist. Yeah we have a lot of money woes, but my kids are my life, without them, I'd probably not be here myself. So to those who feel I should of never had kids- I say, Fuck 'em.
A world without my children, is not a world I want to live in.
Besides, I've never played by the rules anyways.
I've always been a black sheep, so what makes now any different, huh?
Nothing, that's what.
I know there will be a time, in the (hopefully) near future, where money won't be the cause of my problems...I'm just awaited that time.
I hope it's closer than I realize, like how about, a week away?????
Please GOD! PLEASE!

I pray for a miracle, a huge miracle!!!

I wish for all of you, an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.

God Bless.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Bug bite???


Today didn't go so well. Levi had another evaluation today by early intervention, and they think he has some early warning signs of autism. Yeah...so...
He's been banging his head against the crib repeatedly, lately. Just like Violet used to a long long time ago.
Never a dull moment, huh?
My sister is doing terribly, and they think they saw something on her heart...so we're worried of course.
Violet woke me up at 3 A.M. screaming and wanting to sleep with me. So I knew something was hurting her, it ended up being her stomach. The screaming went on until we gave her medicine. But it took awhile to work. So she didn't go to school today. Later on she seemed to be feeling a little better, so I thought Shannon and I could take her to the playground.
We went to the playground, and Violet was acting nuts!!! Not looking where she was going. And running really fast with no regard for her safety whatsoever. Which made Shannon and I really nervous.
Earlier in the day, before Violet had therapy, Dave and I were in the bedroom putting the kids down for a nap. He took this time to lecture me. Aw, what a great day.
He asked me if I was looking to "check out". Meaning kill myself, to which I was shocked, because that's probably the worst thing I could possibly do, since I don't trust anyone with my kids. So "checking out" early is NOT an option.
I know he's worried about me, and knows I am really truly stressed out, especially since we don't have a lawyer now.
ARGH!
Dave told me, I wasn't eating, to which I argued, and then he stated I'm eating just enough to survive, which I do agree with. But really it's because...well ever since my multiple hospital stays, I've learned NOT to eat when emotional. So I don't eat when stressed out, at least not a lot. Also I never eat things I don't like. I'm not offending anyone, because no one cooks for me. So if I'm not thrilled with what's available in the house, I simply don't eat. I know this is not always a good thing. If I had my way and the money, I'd go to order take-out or go out to restaurants all the time. I love different kinds of cuisine. Especially Latin.
Back to what I was talking about- today wasn't going so well. The lawyer we were talking to didn't help us the way we'd hoped for. So I got to keep looking.
While at the playground, I felt a pain in my arm, and to my surprise noticed a HUGE bruise!!! HUGE! It was on my forearm tattoo, almost as big as the whole thing!
And it hurt!
I have no idea where it came from. I don't know if it's an allergic reaction to a bug bite of some sort or what. I felt dizzy on and off today, really not feeling well and this damn sore throat won't go away.
DAMN! Man, I wanna catch a break so badly.
I'm trying to think positively, and like my boy Marco says, have faith in God.
I'm trying so hard to believe every thing's going to work out just fine. It just seems so difficult at the moment.

Anyways- here's a photo of my ummmm...bug bite???
CRAZY, right?!!!
Oh yes and to all you fellow fantasy geeks, yes my tattoo is from the movie The Dark Crystal. And yeah-IT DOES FREAKIN' ROCK!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
More to come...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My head is spinning


It's been a very eventful few days. My sister came back from the hospital on Monday.
But with no answers, just guesses. I really can't stand doctors, well...most doctors.
They think it's neurological, then they think it's her heart. They can't make up their mind. She isn't doing any better, actually a bit worse. I'm so upset.
She went to get a sonogram of her heart today, they think they saw something, but we won't know til she sees the doctor.
I had this horrible feeling while she was in the hospital, I felt like she wouldn't be coming home, because I knew something was terribly wrong.
I can't shake this feeling. I hope the problem is so simple and easily corrected. I hope and pray.
Dave is trying to keep me calm, but it's not working. Plus when he's stressed, he sleeps even MORE than usual. So I'm even more stressed.
I want everything to be okay- actually I want everything to be great! Not just OKAY!
I want to know what's wrong with my sister. Why she went from being the most active person in my house, to someone who can't move! Otherwise he heart beats abnormally fast and she passes out. This is not good.
I want out of this toxic place I call home.
I want my family to be healthy, finally.
I really want doctors to get their shit together, and figure out what's wrong with my beloved sister.
I'm exhausted. REALLY exhausted. All night, I'm tossing and turning and having horrible dreams. Some are visions. But I don't feel like discussing them right now.
I'm praying every night. I hope God's listening. I could REALLY use his help right about now.


Peace and love to all of you. May you all experience an abundance of health, wealth, happy and love always.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Emo pothead part two


So my apartment has been reeking of this hideously stinky crap weed, from an emo teenage pothead that smokes on his fire scape in my courtyard.
We've yelled at him three times, to get better weed, because it's disgusting- and to get his ass back in my house!
Dave threatened to throw shit at him! We were that pissed. All he did all day and night was smoke this disgusting weed.
He's a teenager, who looks like Ron Weasley with long red hair, from the Harry Potter Series!
Him and his emo friends smoke together. Doesn't this boy have parents??? Are they rich, and travel all over the world without him??? Why is he alone all the fucking time???
Do I have to adopt this poor pothead of a boy???
I feel bad for him, really. I mean, where are his parents??? Why isn't he in school???
What is he doing smoking weed at 3 A.M. on a school night?!
I want to know the answers!!!
So this weekend, of course he was smoking again...but this time- it was in his room-and it WAS THE GOOD SHIT!
Oh thank goodness!!!! It smelled so good in my apartment! Don't worry the kids' bedroom window was closed. But our living room window where we were hanging out, was not. It was heavenly. And Dave was chatty!!!! Just yapping away, while I was just smiling and listening. Then of course he got hungry, late at night- and was wondering why...we figured out the reason.
To cool off my apartment I have a really strong window fan that instead of blowing air into the apartment it sucks warm air out of my apartment. Which leads to the potheads smoke- into and throughout our whole apartment.
I really want to get to know this kid. I feel bad for him, he should be with his family and not alone all the time.


I'll keep you posted. In the meantime- God bless good weed.

Kisses Bitches!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

This blog is dedicated to my sister


She is in the hospital right now, and I'm lost without her.
So this blog entry is for her.
We are so close, people don't understand. We are like mother/daughter and sometimes twins. We finish each others sentences, we laugh at each other's jokes, and mistakes.
And yes we rag on each other, but really she is my heart.
I'm so panicked here, at home with the kids. Dave injured his knee, and I somehow fucked up my back. So we're here taking care of our crazy kids, and all I can think about is my sister.
She had a seizure this morning at 4 A.M in the morning, alone in the hospital,and I wasn't there to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay.
It killed me.
She said something to me the other night, when she was home, she said "You are the first person I see when I wake up (from the seizures). You're always there for me".
I had to stop myself from crying, because I hate crying. I had to be strong for her, for everyone, like always.
My sister wasn't feeling well all Friday morning, and we were watching her like a hawk. I even walked her to the restroom. I had to make sure she didn't fall.
My parents took her to the hospital that afternoon, and she's been there since getting several tests done. The house is so quiet without her. Even with my kids both screaming, it feels quiet. If you know my sister, you know she's ALWAYS talking.
ALWAYS. So without hearing her voice, I feel empty.
When I say we're like twins, I mean because of how close we are because , I don't think, we look alike at all, but that's just me.
My mom would buy us clothes, when I was younger, and she'd buy my sister and I the SAME exact clothing! In the same color- just different sizes! It was horrifying at the time, but now I just find that hilarious!!!
We are 9 years apart in age! She's my younger sister- but we wore the same things.
Now I shop for the both of us, I pick out her clothes and buy them for her. We have similar taste, except hers is a little more conservative then mine.
We now share each other's clothing. All the time. Before she would steal my clothes, and I'd get upset, now I don't care. I just want her to look good, and if that means borrowing my stuff, I don't mind.
When I think of it, Dave didn't only marry me, he married my family.
I am the head of my household, I run things. So I could never leave them by themselves, I'm not putting my parents down, I just know my mom would be beside herself. She'd be very lonely, I'm her best friend, and she's one of mine. My dad would lose his head, if it wasn't attached to him. And my sister, well let's put it this way, when I moved out many years back, Kayla was very lonely. And when I moved back- we were both so happy and a bit relieved.
My kids LOVE Kayla, she's their buddy. And Dave and Kayla are super close, she calls him her brother. Probably because he picks on her, just like a brother.
So yeah, Dave kind of married both of us, and totally not in a sick way but because just like a brother, he also can't stand her at times, and vice verse.
We always go out all together, my sis, Dave, the kids and I on walks, shopping, etc.
I'm not sure what people think when they see us all together. Not that I give a crap.
Our home is really really missing a huge piece of the puzzle, my sister.
When you read this, Kayla, whenever that is- I just want you to know, I'm not the same without you around. You're not only my sister, you're my buddy.
You are loved so much and I can't wait to have you back home, safe and sound.

I love you, Boo.


That's all for now.
Wish my sister luck.


*photo of the two of us- last summer while I was pregnant with Levi, on the Q train to Coney Island. Real good times!