Saturday, February 27, 2010

Lug-jur-ee-us (Luxurious) Hair

For those of you who know Katt Williams- you know what I mean by lug-jur-ee-us hair.
I just watched the movie Good Hair. It was fantastic. I bonded with that freakin' movie. You may wonder why- since I'm white. This is my hair story:
When I was a wee little girl- I had dead straight hair, reddish-brown, leaning toward more red than brown. I couldn't even keep a barrette in my hair- it was so thin.
During third grade ( when I was 9 years old) My hair did a complete 180 degree turn.
It was all of a sudden, really thick and curly. I hated it. It wasn't manageable at all. I wanted hair like my other white friends had. As I got older it just got worse.
When I was 10, during a trim from my mother- she accidentally cut off too much- leaving me with a "boy" haircut. My aunt's solution was to perm it- why I went through with this- or thought it was a good idea- I HAVE NO CLUE. She said it would "help" it grow out better. It was permed curly- not just curly, but kinky curls. So I had that done till I was about 12 years old. Then started the coloring.
I went to a Junior High School where I was one out of the only two white kids there.
Everyone said I was "like them" because I had "black hair". I guess I was more "like them" than I knew. Because I obsessed over how to get my hair, like white girls in the magazines. At age 12, is when I started buying wigs. I now own a collection of wigs.
I've done everything imaginable to my hair- braid it, dread it, color it ( every color seen it and out of nature), relax it ( several times- even burned off my scalp once), perm it, weave it. EVERYTHING.
Finally I'd had enough of wasting my time, energy and money on my hair and products.
And I finally shaved it off. Completely. I don't even remember the year - when I first did this. Because since then I've done it over five times. Each time, being fed up, and then once I did it- want really long hair again. It was a bad cycle.
And here I am - years later- with a cheap weave (synthetic), trying to grow my hair out yet again.
Errrrrrr...I hate this. As I sit here- patting my hair-It's "the weave pat"- because you can't scratch your hair when there's a weave in it- and believe me- it's itching.
No matter how well I wash it and take care of it- it bugs the shit out of me.
But it looks good, people tell me. It's taken me so many years to appreciate my "Jew fro". I now LOVE when a girl has her natural hair, not relaxed. I even own afro wigs.
And yes- my weave right now- is called a "bohemian curl", my friends call it Afrocentric hair. Now I would kill to have a huge mind boggling afro ( I still want long hair obviously). I used to be a high- very high maintence girl. I got my hair done monthly, even went a couple times a month for a blow-out ( to straighten it). Used all kinds of ridiculously expensive hair products galore. Spent lots of money on make-up, got my nails done. The whole shabang.
Now I'm very low key. I cut my own hair now- This weave was a present for my 29th birthday. I do my nails myself, I buy make-up from the drugstore as well as my haircare products.
Now my family comes first, I come last, in my mind. As long as my family is fed, has a roof over their heads, I'm happy. And yes- maybe occasionally I treat myself to a hair magazine ( my own personal crack).
After seeing this movie- I feel that I'm not alone in my struggle. In my hair battle royale. And yet again- I'm fed up that I'm even wasting a penny on my hair, for sure.
Hair drama!

Love you all!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Violet's Gluten free progress- 3 months in...

Violet has been on a gluten free diet for almost 3 months now. And the progress is remarkable. She's a different girl, for sure.
I can't believe my eyes sometimes and the things she's doing and understanding now.
I heard that it can take a long time- even years for the gluten to completely leave a child's system- but I never imagined the difference it could make.
Believe me- this diet is extremely difficult but she makes it look easy. It's still hard finding things she'll like to eat- because she's a problem feeder- but she LOVES the Gluten free ( also known as GF) french toast I make and gobbles up all kinds of fruit.
She now reacts to her name being called. She never did this before. If I tell her to "come here" she actually will. She's responding to verbal commands- another first.
And her signing ( she doesn't speak yet- she uses signs to communicate her needs) had become ten times better. She used to confused the signs- now she rarely does.
She can focus for longer periods of time and she waves "hi" and "bye". She's still very hyper- but I have a feeling- that's just her. She loves jumping, running, flipping, climbing- all things physical and challenging. And it turns out she knows her numbers- numbers 1-10. Which is freaky for a two year old. She's puts numbers in order all the time and can solve very difficult puzzles. These are her gifts.
I hope you don't feel I'm bragging- because it's nothing of the sort. For so long- I've heard nothing but- "she's behind in this. She cannot do this..." and so on. So I'm extremely grateful for these moments. I always knew she was capable of many many things. She's my princess and her therapists are really impressed with her. I think she surpassed their expectations.
Each day is a brand new day for her to learn new things. I admire her strength and determination. She never gives up- ever.
I'm thankful to have her as my daughter- I'm sure she'll be teaching me many things in the near future.

Love you all!!!

*photo is of my daughter when she was 4 months old

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Music Manager...

For a long time now, I've been thinking of becoming an agent.
I think I'm not getting hired- but even more gifted at getting others hired. I've been making contacts since I was a teenager- networking is my gift.
I love meeting new people, going to networking parties- plus I NEVER EVER take "no" for an answer. Back in the day people said I'd never get to talk to a Sony executive-but I did personally on the phone, multiple times. It's probably a bipolar mania thing- I believe I will always get what I want no matter what.
And what I want now is to help my many talented wonderful musician friends get their careers in gear.
Agents need to know accounting- from what I've been seeing. And even though I'm excellent with numbers- I HATE math. Absolutely hate it.
So managing seems to be more my speed for the time being. Maybe eventually I'll overcome my hatred for math, and learn accounting. My dad is an accountant- but can't teach me anything to save his life.
I realized recently, that almost all my friends are musicians. The ones that aren't musicians, are instead actors and models. I guess I'm attracted to talented artists of all kinds. I've always loved music and the people that play it.
I tried learning guitar awhile ago, I had a great tutor (thanks Aaron!), and I wish I'd kept up with it. Maybe I'll start again eventually. I love my guitar. It was a birthday present from my family about five years ago. An electric/acoustic black shiny Fender. I've always had a thing for fenders, they ooze sex. MEOW!
I even had a vocal coach, years back. His name was Kisho. He was awesome- he didn't ask for a penny and he even made me lunch. We lost touch, but he was awesome and helped me a lot back then.
I think my voice is shit now. I've been a long time out of the game.
Few people know that I almost had a recording deal with Sony. They had wanted me to turn a song of a group called Contact High's into- get this- a rap. Yeah- really bizarre. And surprise- I wasn't good at that- because surprise again- I don't RAP!
But that's how the industry is- so whacked out and strange. I was good at rock- so they wanted me to rap???? Yeah, that's how these things go.
Doesn't matter- now I'm looking at the amazing talent before me- and seeing what I can do with it. Introduce to whom, go to which parties, etc.
This isn't set in stone yet but it definitely has me excited. I wonder how many of the musicians I knew in the past, are still doing music?

Shout out to all the musicians out there- reading this!
Let me hear from ya!

Kisses Bitches!!!
More to come as always.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Love is a funny thing.

People make fun of the twilight movies because they believe it's fake. I'm not talking about the vampires and werewolves. I'm talking about their dangerous love- that's ALL consuming. A lot of teenagers- hope that they will experience love like that. I like those movies because it reminds me of being in dangerous love.
It's a drug, it's powerful and you can't get enough.
For a bipolar like me- the highs and lows of this kinda love- is intoxicating.
I've been in love three times in my life.
The first was in High school. We went to different schools, but had met in elementary when I was about nine years old. It was my first love, it was powerful, all consuming, dangerous. When I was fourteen, was the first time I thought about suicide, because I couldn't bare the thought of living without him.
Most people don't know that I was engaged to a woman a long time ago. I was severely manic at the time and treated her terribly. She was a great loving person and didn't deserve the way I treated her.
We were on again- off again, all the time- because of me. And I really regret being so horrible to her. I loved her very much. She treated me like a princess- I wish I had treated her the same. When I was manic- full blown, it was like a demon had taken over me. I have a hard time realizing that same person back then WAS in fact me. If I could say anything to her now- I would apologize.
And the third of course, is my husband, Dave.
Again my bipolar made my relationship with Dave very difficult.
The ups and constant downs. I had broken up with him a few months before my first complete breakdown, when I was admitted to the hospital. I was with my girlfriend at the time- but that didn't matter to him- he still showed up every single day to see me and keep me company during my three weeks there. He walked forty blocks back and forth every single day, because he had no money.
When Dave and I first met, I'd already been out of the closet for a while as a bisexual. We met at a movie premier- for "Something about Mary". I was at the front of the line with my boy Marco and his friend. Dave saw us, and the friend he was hanging with knew Marco- so they decided to see if they could join us at the front of the line. He says the first thing he noticed about me was my ass. Typical.
Basically butt, boobs then face. He thought I'd be a bitch- but that didn't matter to him. I was probably pissed at the time because Marco was ragging on me like usual.
And I am a bitch- so he wasn't wrong. I smiled at him and then I put him at ease.
When he introduced himself- he was all sex. At first I thought he was gay- because he was dressed very interestingly, had ear piercings, tight club shirt, and...overalls??? Yeah- like I said, interesting. But when we shook hands me gave me the up-down look. Then I thought he was Bi. ha ha. We talked and talked- then he found out how old I was- he was 25 years old and I was only 17. I didn't have a problem with it- but he was scared- he thought I wasn't legal (BTW 17 IS legal- we found out later on).
Dave was me- but as a man. He was different than any other person I'd ever met before. He was extremely confident- to the point of being delusional. It was intriguing- especially since I had such low self confidence. And that's how he got me originally.
I have put him through the ringer since then, for sure. Good thing most of those years- I can't remember. He can though.
In the beginning when I was with him, he wished I was straight. When I was with my girlfriend, she wished I was a Lesbian.
All that doesn't matter to me anymore. Friends ask me if I miss women now.
And the answer is no. I don't think about them the way I used to. In the end- I just wanted to find the person that was right for me- didn't matter was sex they were.
Like I said- love is a very very funny thing.
It's definitely not what I imagined. Love in the long run- is much much different then those first few years together. Truthfully, I don't know "The secret" to making relationships work. I'm baffled it did. I'm lucky that no matter what, Dave would do anything for me- go to the ends of the earth if he had to. And that's what is important. I would absolutely do the same for him, any day. And here we are many many years later- with two beautiful babies to show for it.

More to come as always.
Kisses Bitches!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

B-day party

I've mentioned before I have serious anxiety issues. So all day yesterday I couldn't bring myself to eat because I was so anxious and had butterflies in my stomach.
So finally it was show time. We got to the White Rabbit and it looked even more beautiful than I remembered it. As well as the drinks. I rarely ever drink and I when I do- I drink wine (my favorite alcoholic beverage), so when Dave asked me what I wanted to drink- I had to think about it. What was it that I used to drink??? Vodka and tonic, Rum and diet coke(gross) and of course shots amock. So I went with a really girlie girlie drink- a cosmo. And man it was delicious. I'd had quite a few and total forgot that I hadn't eaten all day. So I'm there with my good friends- thank you to everyone who came- chatting and drinking. Then came the jolly rancher shots- a few of them. When most of my friends left, that's when my wifey came in, Molly with her boy Craig. So we had an after party- party. So then came the limoncello shots and more drinks. After that- I kinda don't remember - I know we ended up in katz deli- and that's where my insides decided to become my outsides. And apparently at that EXACT same time- the same thing happened to Dave while he was in the bathroom.
That's how linked we are- it's really sick.
My girlie and her boy took good care of me and eventually dave took me home.
Later I woke up in my sister's sleep clothes (my sister had apparently dressed me), feeling HORRIBLE. The headache and nausea I could handle- the overwhelming paranioa, anxiety and the horrible chest pains, I couldn't. It wasn't till about 8 AM that I realized I hadn't taken my night medication ( for obviously my bipolar). I was cycling really hard. I was so dehyrated I could barely even cry. It was bad- it was like a flashback to the old days. Where most days were nightmares. I felt terrible and ashamed- because I had drank to the point of not remembering. Dave helped get me through this. I kept apologizing to him, feeling like I ruined his night. We both were really hungover- he had about 15 corona's, a couple of my cosmos and quite a few shots.
After he gave me a couple of aspirins ( for my heart) and my Geodon (One of the best medications for bipolar disorder on the freaking market in my opinion) and a few bottles of water, within 15-20 minutes I felt a whole bunch better. Yup, Geodon works THAT fast. I was together enough to give my son a bath. He had missed me terribly and was crying- until he saw me finally. He was all smiles and blew rasberries on my arm while kicking his chubby feet in the water. He really put me at ease. He's my baby boy- and he's all eyes for me. He always makes me feel special- even while being horribly hungover- I'm still a queen in his eyes.
When the kids went down for a nap that was Dave and my cue to take this time to sleep.
Hours later I was woken up by my mom- who'd had more than enough of my kids by that point. I'm so thankful to my mom and sister- that they took amazing care of my children while we were out.
I woke up feeling tons better- still with a bad headache and nausea- but not cycling anymore. PHEW! And I was finally able to look back on the night positively.
Most of the photos we took last night were blurry- for obvious reasons.
I love you all for celebrating my birthday with me- I'm very lucky to have all of you in my life. Even my cousin and his fabulous girlie came and surprised me.
It's rare that I get anytime with people without being distracted by my wonderful children. I hope to have more days/nights out just with WAY less drinking. Way less. And definitely more eating. Definitely.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*BTW I'm having trouble uploading a photo- so I'll try to upload a photo later.

Friday, February 19, 2010

My b-day

My birthdays for the most part, haven't gone so well in the past.
Now I realize it's not just the events that happened on that day that made it not so great, it was also the fact that around this time of year- every year, for many years, I've been in the middle of a depression. A great depression.
Around February- March and October-November- have always been depression filled months. Doctors in the past have said my depression was seasonal/cyclical. And for some reason always came around the same time each year. Not to say that I wasn't depressed other times in the year- like especially when times are rough.
For my birthday this year, Dave suggested I go out with my sister downtown to pick out on outfit for Friday night's get together with my friends. So that's what I did.
I left the kids with Dave- because he, unlike me, can totally handle both of them alone just fine, and went downtown with my sister. Who was really happy to get some alone time with me.
I went to my favorite wig store, Wig's Plus, on 32nd street between 6th and 7th avenue, and got some hair for my soon to be new weave- courtesy of my mum.
I love that store- like candy to me. I've collected wigs since I was twelve years old. So needless to say I have quite a few. I even used to go to High School in my assortment of wigs. I now use them for modeling instead of daily attire.
The last time I had a weave done was In May- for Mother's day. I go to the ghetto to have it done, because other salons charge a fortune to braid and weave hair.
Which I most definitely can't afford. In the past I've had almost every hairstyle imaginable- dreadlocks (twice), braids (several times), shaved head (over five times), perms, straightening, all kinds of cuts and just about every color known to man- and then some.
I change my look at a drop of the hat. I'm a very impulsive person- thanks to being bipolar. After I bought my hair, I went to a couple of stores looking for an inexpensive, but great looking outfit for Friday.
I ended up in Forever 21, amongst many teenagers. I felt kinda old, but their awesome selection of party wear made up for it.
I wanted almost everything they had- but of course could only afford one or two items. I picked out my outfit- black, white and red- my favorite colors.
Then I went to the hair salon uptown. The woman said she could do my hair right away-a surprise, but a good surprise at that. So I sent Kayla home, with food and the goodies (that we'd gotten) home and got my hair done. I was a lovely four hours of pulling and tugging my hair. I love this place, especially because it's so ghetto.
People were coming in and out trying to sell bootleg clothes and make-up. It was hilarious. My head- two days later, hurts more than it did that very day, from getting my hair done.
I felt- wow this should be a great day- and I should be happy. But it all felt empty.
I felt empty and depressed. It wasn't until I got home and saw my family's reaction that I felt even remotely happy. Seeing my kids and family after being away all day- made me appreciate them more.
During the day- I felt so guilty- being so very selfish. Overwhelming guilt.
And even today- hours before going out to see my friends- I still felt guilt.
Taking time actually stealing time for myself.
I got to get rid of this feeling. I found out that my girlie, Helene, my sister from another mother, is going to be there tonight and I felt like everything was going to be just fine. My peeps were going to be there- and we'd get to chat and dance and eat and drink- for the first time in YEARS.
I'm gonna fake being happy until that's all I feel, happiness and joy.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Sounds like a plan.

Kisses Bitches- see you in a few!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My Pre-Birthday Blog

At 5:59 AM tomorrow morning, I will be turning 29 years old. And I'm feeling depressed. Not because I'm getting older- but instead because I get depressed around my birthday just about every year.
I'm fine with getting older- actually I feel fifty-something- not twenty-something.
I've had a LONG life, thus far. And have experienced many things most twenty-something's haven't. I'm not talking kids and marriage either.
By the time I was 25 I had been hospitalized several times- for being manic, for being suicidal, for being severely crippled from multiple eating disorders.
I spent New Years Eve 2003, inside an institution. I will at some point talk about my time in those institutions and the people I met- but now doesn't seem like the time.
I used to have many bipolar friends- I tend to attract them like a magnet. I think Bipolars attract other bipolars- it's probably a law of attraction kinda thing.
I made two very close friends in two separate hospital stays. One, Julia- became my blood sister- also bipolar and had multiple eating disorders. I loved her very much- I even gave her my teddy bear named bunny (yes I used to name stuffed animals- opposite of what they were- it's funnier that way). She had a very abusive boyfriend-who made me very nervous. I stayed in touch with her months after, he had tried to kill her. After she left him I didn't hear from her. I'm assuming she's dead at this point. Being bipolar and in an abusive relationship- don't end well. period.
My other friend, Mike was my best bud during my first hospital stay. Again like me he was bipolars- most patients in institutions are bipolar- as well as other things.
Mike left the hospital before I did- even though he tried to prolong his stay to make me happy. We caused serious chaos in the hospital with the other patients there. It was fun fucking with other crazy patients' minds. One patient, we made believe we did magic. Yeah- that's a whole other story all together.
Mike would constantly be in hospitals- he went from one to the other. He was even BANNED from other hospitals. He would sell his prescriptions instead of taking them.
And then end up seriously depressed and suicidal. Bipolars for the most part- make REALLY bad decisions. REALLY BAD. I haven't heard from Mike in many years. I assume the worst.
One of the main reasons I'm not still friends with my old bipolar buddies- is because they made horrible decisions- and weren't self-aware. Many became strippers- of all kinds. Most bipolars- almost all- are sex addicts, shopaholics,drug addicts, alcoholics.
Every time I went into an institution they tried to make me go to rehab. I argued this because I was addicted to such things only when I was manic. I can go months- even years without a drink. It's not a thing for me now.
I've seen a lot and done a lot in my life so far. It makes me feel like I've been around more years than I actually have.
I didn't go to my ten year H.S. reunion because I feel I have nothing in common with them, I didn't then and I especially don't now.
This is probably why I find it so hard to connect with people. I feel most times like I'm from another planet.
So here I am- turning only 29 years old.
Yesterday sucked, today was horrible and tomorrow ain't looking too hot either.
I'm trying to look forward to seeing my friends on Friday. Going to my favorite chill spot, White Rabbit. But I'm nervous- what if they don't have a good time? What if there's silence? I'm a very anxious person. I worry if my friends will have fun or not. And yes I will be drinking. Before Friday I had some drinks three months ago and before that, one and half years. I proved most doctors wrong. I didn't need rehab like they suggested, and I'm not dead yet.
I went shopping tonight looking for a real slutty-whorish shirt and some high heels to wear for Friday. So for one night I don't feel I look like an exhausted mom of two. But I didn't find anything to my liking. Did find some accessories.
I thought shopping would make me feel better- but it didn't. Nothing did. So i wrote this blog just now- which is just a few out of the millions of blogs I have in my mind and am planning to write. I'm an open book- and most have hated this about me.
But I feel the more open I am about my experiences- maybe just maybe- I can help someone- and stop them from making the same mistakes I have. Or in the very least- let them know they're not alone.
To all my bipolar readers out there- I'm here, willing to talk and listen.

Love you all.
See ya when I turn 29.

Models too fat for runway?????

In the Daily News today there was an article on size 4 models being too fat for the runway.
It's insane. Even famous model Coco Rocha, a size 4, (she was dubbed Naomi Campbell "new fave model") says her work has declined.
The sample size for all runway shows is size 0. If you don't fit into the clothes- you don't get hired.
This is the industry I work in. I think designers are absolutely crazy and have no regard for people- their models or their clients. They only care for themselves.
There are a few exceptions I'm sure- I just don't know of any.
Kate moss was recently quoted saying "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".
This coming from a ("former???") coke-head. She is something to aspire to???
Really? This is so ridiculous. She is ridiculous.
Because apparently the way she stayed skinny was doing several lines of coke in a record amount of time. One, two, three lines- ah,ah,ah *The Count voice*.
Kate Moss was one of my favorite models- for her versatility- not her body.
But she sounds like an idiot- so I don't care for her anymore.
Even plus-size clothing catalogs, not so long ago, used sample size models in their catalogs to display plus size clothes. Not many people remember that Lane Bryant used to sell, very hum-drum clothes, nothing fashionable whatsoever, mainly muumuus worn by size 0 models. This was to sell their clothes to women size 14-28? (I think it might have gone up to even a higher size but I'm not positive).
Only recently have they used plus-size ( size 12 models- even smaller than the size clothing they sell) to display their clothes. And now they sell more fashionable clothing- not great but much better than the muumuus they used to sell. Also at a much much higher prices.
I still watch runway shows- I love fashion. But sometimes the models distract me from looking at the clothes because they look so terribly scary. Which is exactly what designers shouldn't want- a model to take away focus from their clothes.
I know they say models are their clothes' hangers. But hangers you pay no attention to- models you do especially is they're 80 lbs and 5'11.
Fashion designers need to change, as does the fashion industry. If size 4 is considered fat- than I'm obese. Eh, Fuck them. I'll make my own fashion anyways- and hire all those "fat" models.

Kisses Bitches-

*photo of Coco Rocha from an ad.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Why I don't like to mention that I model.

I realized a long long time ago- I'm not the typical model. I'm short, tattooed, and at times- fat.
I'm okay with all of that. Event the fat part.
And yes I always wish I were taller- but I fucked up any chance I had at being tall like my dad's family, a long long time ago ( maybe it's the massive eating disorders since I was a child??? Perhaps?)
My mom likes mentioning that I model, she's proud of me. It's nice to have some reason for my mom to be proud of me since I've done so many things in the past for her to be not proud of me.
When my mom mentions to a friend that I model, they ALWAYS give me the up-down (you know the start from the top to the very bottom look).
And right away I have to explain. Explain that I don't do runway and that they are many different types of models, especially for print.
I also have to explain that yes, I'm aware that I'm short, tattooed and fat.
Seriously do they think I'm delusional? That I think I'm 5'9, blond, and skinny?
Come on now, really?
I love being tattooed. I wish I had money for more tattoos. Sometimes I think I even want a face tattoo but I do get jobs for face make-up and beauty shots- which kinda makes getting face tattoo a bad idea.
I've had tattoos since I was 16 years old. I got my neck piece done in my kitchen by a motorcycling navy seal while my mom was in the bedroom.
My friend got his arm tattooed before I got my neck tattooed.
He felt nauseous, like he was going to vomit. The tattoo artist later told him he was being a pussy because I didn't complain while my neck was being tattooed.
But then again, I've never felt pain like the average person.
Maybe it's a bipolar thing- to not feel pain like other people do.
I know both Dave and I have this ability- which is probably why my daughter can fall and bust her ass open and not complain. She's the fucking terminator.
When I was a kid I used to open doors with my head because I didn't feel any pain.
I know- I was always strange. I thought I was unbreakable-seriously.
Most of my tattoos were cheap and not very thought out- it's okay I was young, dumb and very impulsive (BIPOLAR!). I don't regret any of my tattoos- I just wish some of them were nicer.
If I could I would LOVE to get tattoos from the original cast of LA Ink- but not Corey (not a big fan of his work- nothing personal). I met Kat Von D a long time ago-before all her surgeries. I like the way she looks now- I don't know why- I like her whole- L.A. porn star/ drag queen look- it's extreme and I've always been an extreme kinda gal. When I was 18 years old- I planned on getting lots of plastic surgery- maybe because my friends were all trannies and got lots of plastic surgery themselves. I later decided against it. I also like the way Rose McGowan looks now- after the surgeries, when she was in the movie Grind House. Again another extreme look. Though I can't stand big fake boobs and fake people- especially porn stars (I've known quite a few). I'm a contradiction, what can I say.
And Porn stars- not a classy bunch- they used to pee squatting on the sidewalk on night and they were never ever sober. Not a day in their life.
Back to the fat part. So If it was up to Dave- I'd be obese ( well he calls it "voluptuous"- he's a T and A kinda guy.). Which I guess is a good thing- because he'll never find me repulsive- unless I'm 80 lbs again- in which he could still find it in him to find me attractive.
At least I don't have a husband like my aunt had.
Every spring she'd stand in front of him in a bathing suit- and be judged.
He'd let her know if she had to loose weight or not by the summer.
Did I mention my dad's family did this to me during my childhood/teenage years.
I remember one summer standing in front of them in a bathing suit, judging me.
Yup, this was my upbringing- totally fucked on my dad's side.
My dad's mother would tell me (when I was 9 years old) I'd end up fat like my mother because she hated my mom, and the fact my dad loved her even though she wasn't their ideal skinny woman. Just to let you know, my mom is a beautiful woman- inside and out- more beautiful than my whole dad's family put together- I think that's why they hated her openly.
I'm actually working on getting stronger- not thinner. Which actually requires eating more and of course lifting weights. Yeah I'm the one woman in all the New York City- trying to eat more. Again- another contradiction.
Actually modeling being my size- size 12- yes I said it- I'm not ashamed of my size- choke if you must. I'd even tell you my weight if I knew it- (I don't keep a scale at home- and I haven't been to the doctors in months). In modeling, you either have to be one or the other- really skinny or really fat. I'm too fat for a lot of types of modeling and print ads, but get this- not fat enough for real plus size modeling.
Such as, I don't fit into Lane Bryant's clothing line. Weird I know.
So I either gotta get bigger or smaller to get jobs- and I don't plan on being a size double zero ever again in my lifetime. And yes- size 12 is technology a plus size- but there are two types of size 12s. One the juniors size 12 ( which is me) and the other 12W ( which is plus size clothing). Crystal Renn, a famous plus size model, says she's size 12 and is often made to look bigger in print ads. Which is true and strange because Lane Bryant doesn't come in size 12. So either Lane Bryant is tailoring her clothes for her on their shoots ( which is more probable), or she's technology a size 14.
Either way she's tall and gorgeous and a lucky muthafucka.
God bless her and her success.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna quit this business and get my freaking face tattoos.
But I love fashion- which is why I eventually want to design my own line and hire my own models- most being my friends, over size 10 and drop dead gorgeous! My type of gals;) Where my bitches at?!

Kisses Bitches!!!!
I've got my eye on you.

The photo is of Kevin Ronin tattooing my thigh at The Hellcity Ohio tattoo convention. I love this tattoo! He's a brilliant artist. And I took these photos WHILE getting my tattoo. I'm a hard ass bitch. Work!

Friday, February 12, 2010

How my casting went...

Last night was horrible. Levi is teething really badly- screaming all night long. And Violet was coughing all night long. So no sleep whatsoever for Dave and I.
I couldn't function this morning and the kids were nuts! Especially Levi- who is usually all smiles and laughs. My poor baby boy.
So I couldn't go on the school tour I planned for this morning.
But I still had to go to my casting today even though I wasn't feeling so grand either. The casting was today at 2 P.M. near F.I.T. ( to those of you knew know me- you know I despise F.I.T. and the students that go there- not the teachers though)
I was 20 minutes early- like usual.
By the way- I felt like a sausage packed in casing the whole way there due to the fact Dave shrunk ALL my clothes. And no it's not just the fact I'm getting bigger;)
He shrunk the kids clothes as well. So I was being squeezed by my jeans ever so tightly- I felt like a hoochie. And those days had long past for me. Long long ago.
So I went in and got the whole shpeel about the music artist and the photographer.
The photographer I knew a lot about. He's amazingly talented. But he is not my fave photographer of all time- that is of course, the one the only David LaChappelle. I worship the ground he walks on- he is the reason I take photographs.
After I write my name and number on a sheet of paper- I go in to meet the photographer and there were a few other people in the room- that did not introduce themselves.
He took a few close-ups and mentioned the necklace I was wearing ( my fave cigarette necklace) was interesting. It's a conversation piece for sure.
This was our short conversation while he took my photos.
I said to him " Most people ( for some very odd reason) think the cigarettes on my necklace are real."
To which he replied, "Wow, that's strange. I imagine they wouldn't last long(meaning the cigarettes). What are they made of?"
I said "Plastic???"
He then asked me if I was available on the shoot dates. To which I answered yes. And Then asked me if I had any more tattoos ( which was apparently the reason I was chosen for the casting). I said yes- "On my neck, back, finger, thigh and ankle."
Then he said "okay". And signaled for me that I could leave.
Yup. That was it. I took maybe 3 minutes, if I was lucky.
As I left everyone in the waiting room gave me the crook eye and the up-down.
I felt dirty yet again.
I decided to perk myself up by buying Violet some well deserved toys to bring to her great-grandma's on Valentine's day to keep her occupied.
All in all the casting wasn't bad- but it wasn't that great either. I doubt I got that part- but maybe just maybe- I'll get another part from that same casting.
Who knows.
I'm tired and really disappointed I can't go to my girlie's house tonight to hang.
I adore my Molly. And I was really looking forward to it for about a month now.
But the kids- Levi especially won't let me leave for too long.
The last night I went out at night was Dave and my anniversary- for a very quick bite at a local restaurant. We had to rush home because Violet was sick.
I have plans for my b-day celebration on Feb. 19th at my favorite place, The White Rabbit. I have got to be there and spend time with my friends- who I miss terribly.

I love you all and see you real soon!
kisses bitches!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010


I have a casting tomorrow. No- it's no pay but it is a brilliant photographer and it is a music video.
This will be my first casting since before I was pregnant with Levi.
Castings and I don't go together. I have never gotten a job from a casting.
And boy do I have interesting stories of the castings I've been on. That's for sure.
So I'm kinda nervous. Well... really nervous.
Casting are basically cattle calls. They treat you like you're a cow. MOOOOO!
I've had directors that right away hate my guts. Yeah- that's always fun.
Or the total opposite- where I get a call back- I have everyone rolling on the floor laughing at how incredibly charming and funny I am... then never get the part.
When I go to castings I feel like I've been abused. Or more to the point- shot in the stomach.
It's a huge hit to the ego. Most people know me as pretty confident- because frankly I could give two shits about what you think of me- but at castings- that's what you're there for. For them to "pick" you or not. It's ALL about what THEY think of you. It makes me feel dirty. Yet- I love what I do. I just don't love ALL of it.
A lot of times I think about quitting modeling for good. No MAS!
But then some amazing job or opportunity sucks me back in.
It used to be my living. I live and breathed modeling. All I did 24/7 was network and get me out there. It was exhausting- and I loved every minute of it.
Now my life is a bit different. One- I've had TWO kids- one rather recently I might add. And I'm still in post-baby body. Which means- everything's not where you want it to be. And my babies are now my life. My family is my life. I take care of a family of seven people. Daily. Nightly. They are more important to me than myself.
So castings- I go when I can, if I can. Maybe even have a story to share with you guys and gals.
But modeling is no longer my life. Just an aspect of it.
My life is more worth while now- that's for sure.
So here I am typing about my casting tomorrow and now I'm not so nervous. Actually I'm pretty relieved and calm. Knowing no matter what happens tomorrow- it's not that big a deal. I get to come home to my lovely babies- and get a giggle or two out of them and maybe even a high five!

Talk to you this weekend- to let you know how it went.

Peace out my darlings!
Till next time- kisses bitches!

The Adventures of Beana...

Today was a good but hectic day- and it's not even over yet!
It started- well actually yesterday never ended because sleep was non-existent last night. Both Levi and Violet didn't sleep a wink.
This morning Violet had a baby interview at YAI Gramercy school. I was very nervous- but she did amazingly!!! She was in such a great mood- waved and high-fived all the teachers and workers there- if she would've winked at them, I would've died! ha ha.
She played and interacted with the other kids. She got to check out their mini-gym and get thrown down a big slide several times. She must have thought this was the BEST PLACE EVER! She was great even when we had to leave- no tantrums!!! HOORAY!
When she got home she had ABA therapy. And after that, we headed to her occupational therapist at the sensory gym about 10 blocks away. On the way there all these kids started spontaneously throwing snow balls, that was thrown very close to Violet, Shannon and I.
Out of nowhere- I LOSE IT (hello!BIPOLAR!) I scream at the top of my lungs- I mean so loud a few blocks away heard me clearly- "HEY! DON'T YOU SEE A BABY!!!!!"
All the kids stop dead. One looks at me and says " You talkin' to me?!!!" At which point, I don't lose a beat and respond, waving my arms- being all ghetto and shit "YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!" . Shocked and a little afraid, he walked away. Later the teacher, who was behind them the whole time, scolded them.
The whole time Violet is laughing and jumping up and down in her stroller!
I think she was saying in her own way- HECK YEAH!!! My mom fucking CRAZY!!! Woohoo!
I laugh all the way to the gym. The minute we get to the gym ( 10 minutes early) she practically jumps out of her stroller and runs back and forth in the waiting area, till her therapist arrives. She then disappears down the stairs with her therapist to the gym.
While I'm waiting in the waiting room, patiently, a kid is sitting 5 inches away from me- blowing raspberries at me- for about 25 minutes! I found it funny, not rude because the kid had some sort of disability. His mom was talking to another boy's mom- and THIS was their conversation.
One boy was grabbing his mom's purse. She says to him " You like purses, huh? Are you gonna wear purses when you grow up?". To which the boy replies "uh-huh!"
She then says " Are you gonna wear a man-purse like daddy?. Actually I just give daddy my purse to hold at times while we're shopping because it's SOOOOO heavy. I mean not ALL the time but still it's too heavy for me. I don't even KNOW what I put in there!".
Yes this is a typical conversation of upper-class, upper west side moms, chatting away while their son blow raspberries at a stranger for half an hour.
Violet ended up being fantastic and energetic during her session, making her therapist extremely happy.
Right outside the gym- I realize I put my daughter's snow suit and coat on but not her shoes! Yup that's a mom for you- at times- clueless.
On the way home I stopped at Walgreen's for some things and Violet fell asleep.
She's now asleep- still in her stroller- not knowing in 10 minutes I have to wake her up for some more therapy- her speech therapy. The one she hates the most.
I still have yet to defrost meat, cook dinner, or clean or give my kids baths, the list goes on and on.
The day isn't even OVER YET!

All I hope is that she gets into Gramercy- the greatest school on the face of the earth- and eventually get some sleep. Eventually. Maybe.

Kisses bitches!!!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Yesterday I went to a food pantry. Don't be scared- This month was actually better than last- but I never know how my family's going to be from week to week. So I'd rather be prepared.
We've had weeks before where our cabinets were bare.
So thanks to my social worker- she found out about this church that helps people in my financial situation. They were so nice.
During the interview I cried. I really really HATE crying or being vulnerable in any way especially in front of strangers. But this guy that was helping me out was so nice and kind and seemed to really care. Plus I haven't talked to my therapist in awhile so...I think I was ready to cry at the drop of a hat.
Explaining my family's situation always makes me nervous, anxious and emotional.
I try to control it but sometimes it's really difficult.
They had a basement filled with canned goods.
One funny thing that happened there- While I was being interviewed a biker guy came in and saw a can of food and said "mmm, yeah!" The interviewer looked over and said to the biker-" That's cat food." To which the biker didn't seemed surprised and replied " MEEEEEOOOOOW!"
Ah, the people I meet while seeking assistance.
I hope to be in a position that I can donate food to this food pantry- instead of taking from it.
On another note- the other day Violet's therapist had a "team meeting" at my house.
This is where they discuss what's working and not working with Violet. I'm having a tough time with the school she's in now. She has multiple health problems and is absent from school quite a lot because of them. I have explained this to the teacher but for some unknown reason she does not comprehend the situation. Wonderful, right?
As if I want Violet to be absent from school????
It is my only semi-break- when she's in school. Do they think I don't want that?!
These are bizarre people I'm dealing with I tell ya. BIZARRE.
Other than the school issue her home therapies are going really well and I'm extremely proud of her. YAY for VIOLET!!! As her therapists and I would say when she does something good.
Tomorrow Violet has a "play date" at (soon to be-hopefully) her new Pre-K school!
It's a baby version of a job interview. Seriously, I never thought I'd be doing this-baby interviewing for schools, waiting list and such.
It's truth be told- a real upper-class, rich person thing to be doing with their child.
Thankfully, my daughter's schools are paid for by the state. Otherwise she'd be at home till kindergarten!
I can't believe the amount people pay for Pre-schools- about the same as college!
It's insanity. I'd never do that.
Another funny thing- while Dave was finally getting a chance to do a month's worth of laundry ( hey - don't judge-we can only afford it once a month- so chillax). He was talking with a neighbor and jokingly said "My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, I think I'm gonna have to switch to cocaine!" and laughed. The neighbor (an older woman) replied "OH MY GOD! If you know a good dealer let me know!". By the way she was SERIOUS!
And THIS is the building I live in.
On that note- Kisses bitches!!!

As always more to come...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My day...

On days like today I remember a quote I read in Parents magazine. Yes I read Parents magazine now, not fashion magazines galore like I used to. I used to be addicted to fashion magazines- they were my crack. Now I can't bring myself to look at one- first, the fashion is usually bad- second, the models always look pissed. ALWAYS.
And none of the articles apply to my life- how to lose ten pounds in one week, how to be better in bed, how to find the right man and so on. ALL bullshit being thrown at your face, without apologies.
So the quote I think of is this- it's from a parent talking about their kids.
"When I'm a part from my kids- I miss them so much. Then when I see my kids, I can't wait for them to go to bed."
Today was so frustrating. We finally get to go outside and it's getting dark, the kids fall asleep. Dave wanted to get out the church thrift store but I was with the double stroller- which doesn't fit in the thrift store so I offered to wait outside.
For nearly twenty minutes I waited outside with the children asleep in their warm stroller freezing my ass off. Literally my ass was numb.
He finally comes outside and we head home.
The kids, of course wake up the minute we enter the apartment and even though the day was filled with frustration I was happy they were awake- and forgot all the bad things that happened today. I picked Levi up- all smiles and happy to see me.
Now after spending a few hours holding, playing and kissing them I look forward to when they go to bed.
Then mama will finally get to watch her stories. Amen.

More loving things we say...

Jokingly, Dave said to me the other day, "You don't even like me!"
In response I said to him " I don't like you. I love you!"
And then said "And hunny please, We're married, of course I don't like you." ;)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Why I hate Valentine's Day...

Yes- I hate Valentine's Day. Why you ask?
I'll tell ya why.
First- it's too much hype!!! Like this is the one day out of the whole year you have to say I love you to someone special.
When something is too hyped up- it's just sets the stage for disappointment.
Back when Dave and I first met- I told him never to buy me flowers. Not because I don't like flowers- but because in the past, flowers were ALWAYS used in conjunction with an apology. So to me flowers = you did something wrong!
Valentine's day when you're single is hard- for most. Because you IMAGINE it'd be so much better to spend it with someone you love. But this is false. Again all these expectations- set you up for disappointment.
To me Valentine's day is just ANOTHER day. Another day- if you are with someone special- to say you appreciate them- but no need for gifts and a night out.
Really I think married people equally like and dislike Valentine's day. Due to the fact that when you're married with kids and you're busy tending to others' needs, you rarely have time to spend alone with your other half.
So Valentine's Day is really just an excuse to go out and away from the kiddios- and be adults. This is only the case- if you have the money to do so, have made reservations ahead of time, hired a babysitter...the list goes on and on.
Personally I'd rather NOT go out on Valentine's Day- that ONE day a year- but instead make many days and nights special throughout the year. So when Valentine's day comes and goes- which it always does- no one is disappointed in any way- but instead you're happy and looking forward to the next morning- to say I love you all over again.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Violet WAVES for the first time!!!

After going Gluten free December 1st 2009, we've seen such a huge difference in Violet. She makes more eye contact, she's focusing better, and now for the first time EVER- she waved!!!
She waved yesterday to her therapist Shannon, but we weren't sure if it was a wave for hello or to tell Shannon to get away!
Today she did it twice- once to say hello to Shannon and again to say goodbye!!!
I'm not sure if she understands exactly what it means- she probably thinks it's a weird thing we do to other people, for some bizarre reason- and you know what?! I'll take it!!!
I'm so happy. I had a really good day today, things seem to be falling into place.

More to come...