10 Sleepless nights

10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats  your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed  in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic,  irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon  was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again

Somedays

I've been having days like these.
They are all too familiar.
Filled to the brim with feelings
So many feelings
I feel like I can't breathe
I want to cry so bad from all the sadness
All the madness
Not one tear is shed
Not one
Just these overwhelming feelings
Consume me
Overtake  me
Inhale me
Where am I?
Where do I go?
Where do I fit in?
Now there is no more for me with all these feelings amuck
What a mess they've made
Fucking feelings.
Not one damn tear.
And no room left for me.

I'm left on the outside as usual.
Damn feelings,
Won't you hurry up.
Calm down and let me in?

The small things, be proud!

Totally giving me the feels

Hooray for me!!
And  to all of you that do this despite all your struggles -
When you can!!!

The struggle is real.
No joke.
This pic did make me giggle tho ,
Because I do feel like a champion  sometimes for the little things, or NEED to, for the things that I can only do SOMETIMES that others take for granted that they do daily without any thought or problem.

Whether due to physical,  or mental illnesses- all chronic illnesses to me and should be treated as such.

Bipolar-ing

Sorry I haven't been blogging so much- keep up with me on instagram- "yearsoftherapy"
I try to post daily, when I don't that means I was really ill.
So please forgive me.

Trying to fight depression.
It kinda creeps up on me likes like a
Shadow and covers all the light that was once there and all of a sudden you realize the light's out.
So you try to fight to see the light again.

But I'm fighting  for the light everyday.

Every.damn.day.
Somedays I win. Others...not so much.
I am Bipolar.
I am ok with that. It took years to be.
I still have days where I wish I wasnt.
But it happens. It my life. My journey.

I fight to end the stigma.

Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans

Unhappy thoughts much?

Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created,  but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness  and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

been quiet for awhile

hey guys and gals!
I've been quiet for awhile- sorry about that.
A lot of things have been happening.
My birthday just passed. I turned 30 years old.
Usually, I would think nothing of it-
but for so many years, including this year- I couldn't see beyond the present day.
I never believed I had a future.
I still don't.
I spent a lot of time in crisis mode.
I lived a very fast, hard fucking life- in a short amount of time.
The point I'm getting at is that I never ever believed I'd make it to 30.
Not because my body would kill me (even though it's tried so very hard so many times), but that I would kill myself.
I tried during my stay in hospitals (plural). I not afraid of pain.
I LIVE through pain.
At least I've learned to tolerate it.
Since I feel physical pain all the time now.
Funny since when I was a child I didn't feel physical pain.
Didn't know I'd broken bones until the day afterwards.
I would run into door knobs to see if I could bust the door open with my head.
Yeah- I was a very "special" kind of child.
Didn't feel pain.
Now it seems that's all I do.
I have spent so many years poor, dirt poor, that I don't expect any type of gifts or even cake at this point.
I remember many birthdays miserable- broke and eating rice so that my family could afford to eat food.
I'm used to starving, I've done it for over two thirds of my entire LIFE! And no I do not "enjoy" starving anymore.
I was surprised on my birthday when my parents made a big deal about it.
It was very strange and a welcomed emotion from me.
The day in itself, was similar to every other day- until it came to dessert.
My dad had bought me a birthday cake!
Yes, it was one of the only flavors I dislike (chocolate mousse- eww!), but I didn't let him know.
I don't get moments like these from my dad, so I tried to enjoy this one.
As I was about to blow out the candles-I noticed there was no camera.
No, I'm not constantly posing for the camera-
it's a tradition of ours to take a photo of blowing out the candles every single birthday, like most families.
I asked Dave to get the camera, he seemed to not care.
This angered me a lot.
He knew the tradition, and why this birthday meant something to me, but he seemed too busy eating a burger to pay me any mind.
Needless to say, I blew out my candles without a photo to capture the moment.
I was furious and this sparked a huge argument between Dave and I.
I won't go into details, other than he did share that he's been depressed for many years now.
And can't "feel" happiness.
I starting writing this blog- two days ago-
in the middle of writing this my son starting puking he's guts out.
Everyone had the stomach virus and are still recuperating.
Now I continue this blog- days later- and I'm not feeling the same emotion I was when I was writing the blog.
Today it is Dave's birthday.
And like me, he never ever saw a future for himself.
Yet here we are on his 38th birthday, celebrating (kind of) with our two kids.
I want to make a big deal about it. But he still doesn't feel well- so buying a cake and going out, is out of the question.
And I think he's still depressed.
Plus today I get a call from my landlord that my CRAZY neighbor is complaining she doesn't have heat "because there are too many people here taking showers all day long".
Meanwhile she has five people living there, none of them little babies.
I only have two more people here, and they are both under four years old!
What a fucking crazy person!
Tell I meantion, she came knocking on MY door at 8p.m. a few night ago blaming me for her not having any hot water.
Even though I spend many days with no hot water myself!
Oy Vey!
It's times like these I really wish I had moved to Florida, instead of here.
And had our own house- with no landlord or upstairs neighbors complaining.

I dream of warm weather, our OWN place and no one to answer to.

I dream a dream worth living for.

Kisses Bitches!
I NEED MONEY! The LOTTO would be AWESOME!

a few days later...

Hey everyone- it's been a few days.
Sorry for the wait.
My mood is very up and down.
The other day when I wrote my blog- I was really in a bad place.
I fought with my everyone in my house that day.
Kind of "bursting the bubble".
I felt my family wasn't being considerate at all, or even trying to understand me.
I was fighting with my mom a lot.
She was really angry at me- for not saying anything to the doctor- not protesting, or getting upset.
I couldn't explain to her- what thoughts were going through my mind at the time. Or how I was feeling.
Unless you've been in that kind of situation- you wouldn't understand.
I hate "shoulda, woulda, couldas". Meaning-" If I were you, I would've done ______ , or you should've done ______ or I could've said ______" fill in the blanks.
Saying this doesn't help ANYONE!
Unless you area FUCKING time traveller!!!
It doesn't do any kind of good to tell people what they could've done instead of what they did.
It's very frustrating.

My mom, later on that day- made peace with me. And decided to let me handle this the way I FEEL COMFORTABLE handling it.

The way I handle it- try not to think about it, pretend it didn't happen, or that it happened such a long long time ago- there's no point in thinking about it.
I was pretty happy Sunday. I went to Waldbaum's for the first time- and freaking LOVED it!
All the fresh veggies and fruits and baked breads...yummmmmmmy!
I was happy.
That night I talked to my therapist.
About how I was feeling. She was proud of me for turning myself around.
She knew I was suicidal, and if it weren't for an invisible miracle of some sort- I wouldn't have made it to today.
I cannot speak of this miracle- because I'm not completely sure what actually happened.
Just a complete change of mindfulness, I guess.
Until Sunday night- when we were talking about what I was trying to ignore.
Yesterday was a bad day.
I was tired- I haven't been sleeping.
I've been falling asleep really early- passing out cold basically. Then from midnight on I've tossing and turning, in pain, having nightmares until about 6 a.m. when I can' take it anymore.
I'm exhausted.
I want to sleep but can't. Fun, right?!
Dave was going through caffeine withdrawal, really badly yesterday- as was my mom and dad. Everyone was really cranky and mean.
My dad is sick with a cold??? or sniffles??? I don't really know. He's just complaining like usual about anything and everything. My mom hasn't been herself. She's a bit hyper lately. Very hyper.

Other than that, I'm trying to think positive and move forward.

I'm tired of feeling pain and being sick. I'm going to try eating "better" again, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian or vegan again ( I was a vegetarian in the past, for many many years)
I'm willing to try anything at this point to get better.
And believe me this is very difficult since I basically live on cheeseburgers!
Don't worry - I'll still be having BBQs in the spring/summer at my house!
My parents still don't believe a meal is complete without some type of meat or poultry on their plate.
Plus I LOVE cooking!  And I'm finding lots of different ways to cook veggies, and grains.

Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!

BTW- Thank you to all my readers- for reading this crazy blog and always supporting me. You're all REALLY AWESOME!!

*found this photo on the net- I find it hilarious! It would be even more awesome if a person who wasn't a vegan by any means- got this tattooed!

I HATE everything-

Okay- that's not completely true.

But do you ever have days like that?!


I know I had that yesterday. I wasn't hating on other people or anything- just myself. I have been depressed lately- the low points of being bipolar- these things happen I know- but I fight it the whole way.


I took Vi and Lee to the playground yesterday with Violet's therapist and I had a great time. Like everything I do with the kiddios, I HAVE to take photos. Luckily I got a great deal on a lens for my favorite camera on eBay- since my back-up camera is dying- I wasn't left with any choice. But I'm very happy to have my fave camera back and running. It's a little beat up, but it still works- thank goodness.
I also had Kayla take some photos of Lee and me.


I really know I'm depressed when I start looking at the photos and start picking myself apart.
I hate this- I hate that. Basically I'm hating the way I look entirely.
I feel like I'm going through puberty again- I'm look so awkward and shit. It's so frustrating!
Of course Dave tells me it's all in my head, I look great- yada yada yada.


It's like a demon in my head-just feeding all my insecurities. It's so hard fighting back.
I feel like burning all my old clothes- but I have none to replace them with. This is always how my eating disorder starts. It's not going to happen this time- for several reasons- one, I have kids to look after- two, I have too many people "policing" me right now. Which is a good thing- when it comes to me and my self-destructive qualities. I admit that.


And then I look at other people with all this confidence. I envy them. And yes- I do have days where I feel confident- but than I'll see a photo of myself- and all that confidence will fade away in a flash.


I want a total makeover- I really do- a total "mind, body and spirit" makeover.


Besides all this- I'm having night after night of nightmares. All very bizarre. One of last night's nightmares- was that I was the worst at everything I tried. I was laughed at and made fun of by everyone. It was so frustrating. I kind of feel like that at times. That I suck at nearly everything. I know this is all self-hating talk but it's what going through my sick mind at the moment. I feel like hiding under a rock- till this awkward stage is finally over. I feel like I go through this stage so often. Where nothing feels like it's working right.

Depression and me- it's such a bizarre relationship. It really is. Because even though I was having such a good time at the playground, watching Violet explore and have fun, the minute I get back home- the sadness and frustration come right back like the good things in the day never happened. I know these feelings of mine aren't logical in anyway, shape or form- but it's a real feeling- my brain makes it feel real.


When I was a kid, around 3 or 4 years old, I remember not being able to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Sometimes that still happens to me- where I feel dreams bleeding into days, bleeding into my reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, what's really happening and what isn't.


I know you're probably thinking- I'm crazy. And truthfully- you're completely right.
I am crazy- straight up. I'm not denying it.


And I have yet to meet people that feel the same way as me. That have the trouble I have with telling the difference between dreams and reality- unless they're junkies- then they understand me perfectly. But I'm not a junkie- so what's my excuse??? And I certainly wasn't a three year old junkie- so really what's wrong with me? What three year old has to ask themselves- if something is really happening or not?


For all I know, that happens to my daughter, and she can't tell me this because she cannot speak. I know my kids could be bipolar. I also know my kids could be schizophrenic- because that also runs in my husband's family. There's all the things I keep a look out for. I'm not scared of them- I just want to be aware. If it happens to my kids I don't want them being afraid- I want to teach them how to handle these things. Not that I'm so great at that. But no one knew how to help me when I was younger.


And so much such was happening inside my head when I was a little kid- I didn't share with anyone- because I didn't know how. I KNEW I was different from everyone- every single person I met- I knew I thought differently- my mind worked differently. I kind of dumbed myself down to get along with people. I'm not saying my friends where stupid or anything like that- they were typical kids- with typical kid's thoughts- I on the other hand- had so much going on inside my head- a lot of my thoughts were very dark and eerie.


When I think of my childhood, it's mostly dark. And it's not my mom's fault- she was a great mom and my mom's family showed me nothing but love. My dad on the other hand- well that's a completely different story- and maybe if I ever sit down, have the time and finally write a book, maybe I'll have the courage to talk about. But I feel a blog isn't the place for that right now.


Bipolar in most cases- "activates" in people in their twenties usually- or even teens.
I feel it can happen way earlier- I feel I was born bipolar- at no point did it get activated. Sure in my twenties I went full on manic- and dangerous. But there were things going on way earlier than that for me. Bipolar's onset can also caused by trauma. That is also a possibility for me.


Either way a lot of things I've experienced-have shaped me into the person I am today- well that is and isn't completely true. I shaped myself into the person I am today.
If I let my childhood dictate the parent I would become- than I would probably be a really shitty parent. But I fought that every step of the way.
I've always promised myself to be the best freaking parent I can possibly be- and even better.
I see all the mistakes people have made with their children- and I fight to never ever let that happen to my kids. They will always come first, before me-always!


Given no matter how great a parent you are, whatever your child is meant to become he or she will, despite your greatest efforts. But I strive to give my kids the best childhood they can have- so at least I know I did my part in raising them. I have no clue what's in store for my kids- who they will become- or who they are meant to be.


I fight everyday against myself- to try to not put myself down in front of my kids- I never want my kids to hate themselves. My daughter kisses the mirror when she sees her reflection- I want that thing to stay that way- I'd rather she be vain- than hate herself. I want her to always feel beautiful. Same for my son.


Sorry this is such a long blog post.


Don't worry... my book will be much much longer- and it'll finally have some answers- if I have the balls to write about everything. We'll see, won't we?





Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo i found on the net- seemed fitting.

Very depressing day.

I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.

Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.

My b-day

My birthdays for the most part, haven't gone so well in the past.
Now I realize it's not just the events that happened on that day that made it not so great, it was also the fact that around this time of year- every year, for many years, I've been in the middle of a depression. A great depression.
Around February- March and October-November- have always been depression filled months. Doctors in the past have said my depression was seasonal/cyclical. And for some reason always came around the same time each year. Not to say that I wasn't depressed other times in the year- like especially when times are rough.
For my birthday this year, Dave suggested I go out with my sister downtown to pick out on outfit for Friday night's get together with my friends. So that's what I did.
I left the kids with Dave- because he, unlike me, can totally handle both of them alone just fine, and went downtown with my sister. Who was really happy to get some alone time with me.
I went to my favorite wig store, Wig's Plus, on 32nd street between 6th and 7th avenue, and got some hair for my soon to be new weave- courtesy of my mum.
I love that store- like candy to me. I've collected wigs since I was twelve years old. So needless to say I have quite a few. I even used to go to High School in my assortment of wigs. I now use them for modeling instead of daily attire.
The last time I had a weave done was In May- for Mother's day. I go to the ghetto to have it done, because other salons charge a fortune to braid and weave hair.
Which I most definitely can't afford. In the past I've had almost every hairstyle imaginable- dreadlocks (twice), braids (several times), shaved head (over five times), perms, straightening, all kinds of cuts and just about every color known to man- and then some.
I change my look at a drop of the hat. I'm a very impulsive person- thanks to being bipolar. After I bought my hair, I went to a couple of stores looking for an inexpensive, but great looking outfit for Friday.
I ended up in Forever 21, amongst many teenagers. I felt kinda old, but their awesome selection of party wear made up for it.
I wanted almost everything they had- but of course could only afford one or two items. I picked out my outfit- black, white and red- my favorite colors.
Then I went to the hair salon uptown. The woman said she could do my hair right away-a surprise, but a good surprise at that. So I sent Kayla home, with food and the goodies (that we'd gotten) home and got my hair done. I was a lovely four hours of pulling and tugging my hair. I love this place, especially because it's so ghetto.
People were coming in and out trying to sell bootleg clothes and make-up. It was hilarious. My head- two days later, hurts more than it did that very day, from getting my hair done.
I felt- wow this should be a great day- and I should be happy. But it all felt empty.
I felt empty and depressed. It wasn't until I got home and saw my family's reaction that I felt even remotely happy. Seeing my kids and family after being away all day- made me appreciate them more.
During the day- I felt so guilty- being so very selfish. Overwhelming guilt.
And even today- hours before going out to see my friends- I still felt guilt.
Taking time actually stealing time for myself.
I got to get rid of this feeling. I found out that my girlie, Helene, my sister from another mother, is going to be there tonight and I felt like everything was going to be just fine. My peeps were going to be there- and we'd get to chat and dance and eat and drink- for the first time in YEARS.
I'm gonna fake being happy until that's all I feel, happiness and joy.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Sounds like a plan.

Kisses Bitches- see you in a few!!!

Gluten free diet and depression.

Many years ago- about 9 years ago to be exact, I was misdiagnosed with Celiac disease. For over two years I ate gluten free. I baked and perfected many recipes over these few years. Shortly after, my computer crashed and I lost all of my precious recipes. It was only when I was being hospitalized for my eating disorders that I found out I was misdiagnosed.
I had no idea that I'd ever need my recipes again. Until now.
My daughter had a nutritional evaluation this past week. The nutritionist suggested going gluten free. Which having been on this diet in the past- it is the hardest diet ever! Gluten is in almost everything! She also suggested going casein-free, which makes being gluten free even MORE difficult.
As with every cooking/baking recipe- things need to be tweaked.
Well that especially goes for gluten free recipes, even those found in books and magazines. It's a lot of trial and error.
Besides the diet being difficult to follow it is also the most expensive diet to follow. Which is extremely difficult for us since we're dead broke.
But anything my daughter needs I must find a way to get.
I'm so stressed out right now. My depression is hitting hard and I'm trying to get through for my kids sake, but it's harder than ever.
I know it'll past eventually- but it's hard getting through it. Every day- harder than the last. My family doesn't really understand what I'm going through because they're always used to me being on top of everything and I mean everything.
The shopping, the babies, the cooking, the cleaning, the therapies, the schedule and on and on.
Everyone has a breaking point- I feel I'm past mine.

Depressed...

I'm feeling the crashing side of bipolar. I'm getting depressed.
I'm trying to fight it.
Just thought I'd mention what's up with me right now.

more to come...hopefully better.