Wednesday, September 29, 2010

freak out moment

It hit me last night. As I was tossing and turning all night.
Dave actually thought I was having a seizure- Which I wasn't, thank goodness. I just couldn't sleep or get comfortable. I feel bad- I kind of kept him up last night, because I usually don't move around in my sleep.
He's sleeping now.
It hit me - with not one, but two doctors I'll be awaiting test results for cancer- skin and breast.
I told Dave- you know, if I find out I have both skin AND breast cancer I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
Plus- losing my hair, Boobs AND needing new glasses.  Wow- that's quite a look, huh?!
Man, I'll be looking special fo'sho, fo'sho.
Right now I'm on hold to book my dermatology appointment, one that my dermatologist told me to do TEN YEARS AGO- because some things looked suspicious. And two other doctors recently told me "things didn't look right" Whatever the hell that means.
Hopefully I can get an appointment for next week. I have to go on Fridays because that's the only day she works in the clinic. Which means I'll be there for hours and hours! It's near Roosevelt hospital, it's a nice area. Maybe I'll sign in and then take a walk- because sitting in a crowded room for hours- with crazy people- yes that's who's waiting in the clinic- usually a bunch of crazy people- requires WAY too much patience. Patience I don't have at the moment.
Ah- just found out I have an appointment for the end of the month. Oh Joy.
I spoke to Dave and my mom about implants. Which I'm usually totally against. I hate hate hate fake boobs.
My mom said something I found really funny.
She said "You know, they can use the fat from you hips and ass to make you new boobs? That means there will finally be a use for them!"
Her and I, cracked up!!!
I'm the same girl that giggles at the word "fatty";)
Dave thinks I should not get them reconstructed and just leave the scar- which I'm a big fan of, since I LOVE scars- way better than fake boobs.
I would definitely be "unique" looking, ha-ha.
Though I've always wanted to not need a bra.
There's an inner hippie chick in me- but without all the armpit hair- eww gross;) I don't have problems with my fellow lesbians having them- I just don't like myself having them.
Anyways- way off topic here.
Ever since two days ago, having seen the doctor I haven't slept. I guess it's my nerves on overdrive, who knows, because I don't FEEL manic at the moment. But there's a lot going on in my mind right now.
These next two months are going be crazy!
I hope at the end of November when we are in our new place.
Everything will be settled and the way it should be.
Plus that gives me a reason for a housewarming party- HOLLA!
And I LOVE throwing parties!!

That's the news for now,
Kisses Bitches- Check your ta-tas Mamas!!!

In the end I hope I'm as happy and relaxed as the seal and trainer doing yoga on the sand. Freaking awesome pic dave found on the net!!!
We ALWAYS check out the website : the daily what?!
One of our favorite sites for funny and crazy pics/videos.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Ta-Tas- the on going saga

Hey guys and gals-
It's the beginning of the week and so much has happened already.
I had a horrible weekend- that was truly bipolar.
I was suffering and truly was hitting a new low.
I was on the phone with my therapist, and we had talked about me going back to the institution.
Yeah- THAT bad.
Thankfully I pulled through and I'm now back on Geodon.
It has been my life saver- literally.
I'm in a much much much better mood now. Phew!!
I have to tell you all that I went to the doctor today- because my left breast has been bothering me again-
Yes, again: I went through a really bad time about four years ago.
I felt a lump in my left breast and had it biopsied (very very freaking painful!), mammograms, sonograms, everything- four years ago.
Everything turned out okay, but they couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again.
It was one of the scariest times in my life.
I wanted both my breasts removed at that time- I never wanted to experience that pain and fear ever again.
But of course doctors didn't listen- because I was labeled "bipolar" they thought I was crazy.
One doctor agreed with me but it wasn't enough to plead my case to the insurance company.
After that- I never felt the same about my breasts- these things could kill me.
I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt the minute I started liking my breast again, something bad would happen.
And here we are today.
I have had pain in my left breast- the very same breast that had the lump years ago.
I had to yell at Dave to come to the doctor with me.
He didn't understand why I needed him there!
He decided after my yelling- to come with me.
Truth was I was very scared to be in the same position I was years ago, especially alone- my nightmare.
He didn't talk to me much on the way there. I was yapping my head off because I was nervous- I talk a LOT that's how I deal. TOUGH!
I was in the doctor's office when I explained the things that've been happening.
I undressed- he examined my ta-tas.
I love that the doctor felt nervous- because he's a man and Dave was watching him do this.
I have no problem being nude- as you all know very well ( used to be a nude model).
Afterwards he told me I need to see a breast surgeon and get another mammogram.
When he said that- I felt like crying- but you all know I hate crying especially in public, so I didn't. I held it all in.
He then asked if I wanted to get dressed, I said sure- and did so in front of him, he was so bashful and told me he'd would look the other way. I found it funny.
When I turned to Dave, half-naked to put on my clothes Dave said quickly "More for me!"
Always cracking jokes!
Finally he spoke!!
After that he talked to me on our way home.
I needed a perk me up- because I was feeling depressed again, not too bad- but there WAS a reason for feeling this way.
So a Ricky's store was a block away ( my favorite store of all time!!!) It's a beauty HAVEN!!!
I just looked at everything- and all the colors and hair accessories and wigs- made me feel better.
Did I mention my hair's falling out again- yeah.
No matter what- I'm gonna look fabulous!
I hope this is my last time going through this- and they cut my ta-tas off.
Dave and I used to joke- we'd put my boobs in jars and ask people if they wanted to see my boobs?!
Yeah- we have a really gross sense of humor- but how else to you get through times like this- I'd much rather laugh than cry- any day.
My mom told my dad why I went to the doctor (while I was out) he was home because he just had knee surgery. When I came home- he tried to show me he was worried and felt bad for me, and put his arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
I told him "I'll be fine Dad, they're JUST boobies!" Trying to make light of the situation.
I always have a hard time sharing feelings with my dad and vice versa.
But I appreciated the effort he made.

That's the news for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!! Check your ta-tas MAMAS!!!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Going to the NY Comic Con!!!

And I can't freaking wait.
You ALL know I'm a major nerd- but without all the smarts;)
I've gone for several years now, last year I took both my kids and dressed them up too.
Dave and Lee were dressed as Batman and Vi and me dressed as Captain America's daughters. And my sis was "Love-Shack" ( flaming gay Rorschach)
This year I have even a more awesome theme going on.
And my sis is joining us in our costume theme this time!
It's so exciting!!!
Don't worry I'll take plenty of photos- and I'll post some here!
I don't get to go to many exciting places usually throughout the year- so this is like a holiday for me!!
It's probably the one thing I look forward to the most all year.
It's better than Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween for me-
Though Halloween is STILL a pretty big deal for me.
And Halloween is coming soon!!! HOORAY!
We'll probably wear the same costumes for Halloween- there's no point in buying all new costumes since both comic con and Halloween are in the same month!
Last year a photo of Vi, Lee and I got into the Wall Street Blog, and Yahoo news.
I'm aiming for bigger this time!!!
If you come you'll get to see first hand!
It's awesome and hilarious!!! You won't be able to miss us, that's for sure!
I always go on Sunday- because it's family day- less hoes- which for me is always a plus, because there's always the skankiest girls imaginable- plus most of them are lesbian (sorry guys!).
And now Suicide Girls is gonna be there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!
A long long time ago, I tried to become one, and it almost happened- but then I came to my senses THANK GOD!
I mean- first of all- these girls are paid next to nothing- for un-artistic nude images-
and second- they are basically OWNED by the company. And that TOTALLY sucks for any model!
I've met several suicide girls in person ( some were my friends- I still adore you chickies) but the rest- EWWW GROSS! They touch me and it's just gross. I've known WAY too many porn stars in my lifetime for sure!
I mean if you're going to do porn, which I don't recommend, because I almost did that myself with my ex- girl (an Internet porn star) at the very LEAST get paid well. BTW way more details in my book, way more!
Just thinking about Suicide Girls makes my skin crawl.
Sorry got WAY off topic here-

So yeah- Sundays are great, less hoes, and more FREE stuff!!! Because it's the last day of the convention, people make way more deals!
And they usually give so much free stuff away Sundays!!
Me likey!!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

So many changes- so little time

So many things are changing right now.

It's nearing the end of the year- and everything in my life is about to change.
I mentioned before that I'm looking for a new apartment and will be moving no later than November of this year.
I'm looking in Brooklyn, Queens and Manhattan.
I've contacted so many realty companies- only to find out that apartments are...get this...cheaper in Manhattan! I was blown away by this.
Moving for my family and I isn't easy- for several reasons-
One- Big family- with several disabilities. My mom can't live in a walk up, there has to be an elevator.
And yes- we are moving together- not separately.
I help take care (cook, clean, etc) of my whole family- this is how we function. We don't function well apart  from each other. Plus my mom and sis help a lot with my kids.
Two- Violet would need all new therapists and a new sensory gym- same for Levi. This is a huge problem.
It's a ton of work. It's nearly taken me two years to get the right therapists for Violet- but they all can't travel far. I also might be looking for a new school for Violet- with all that's happened recently.
Three- We don't get the money from the landlord until the  day we move out- which makes things very difficult because I need money for the security deposit, rent and moving expenses in ADVANCE.
Oy Vey!
Four- This is my family's home. My dad has lived here his whole life.
We are all scared to move- this is all we've ever known.
But it's making my family and I so very sick. The mold and such (things falling apart) in the apartment, especially in my kids room- is horrible for our health.
We HAVE to move to help my kids get better. We're all tired of being ill all the time.
Five-being that both my kids are autistic- change is very very difficult for them to handle. Levi freaks out even going for a walk. He has serious sensory issues, as does Violet.
Moving is NOT easy for us at all.
But there isn't any choice.

I'm hoping all this bad mojo that this apartment has given us- will finally go away- and our lives will get tons better.
I pray for this every single night.
On top of all these changes-
I had to put my foot down.
I'm tired of my mom and husband being sick and physically unable, due to their weight.
I love them both, regardless of how much they weigh, obviously.
Dave has trouble with both his knees and ankles- and has pain from walking now.
I just got to my breaking point with both of them.
I told them- you are two of the most important people in my life- and both of you need to change.
I definitely feel there are so many similarities between my parents and Dave- maybe that's why Dave pisses them off so much!
I have serious issues with people being undependable- breaking promises left and right.
My mom and Dave almost always break their promises to me and it breaks my heart.
Their weight holds them back from doing the things they want to do- like running after the kids, going for a long walk, etc.
My sister is the most dependable person in my life. I can always count on her.
Both her and I, always work through any illness, being tired, anything and everything so we can take care of the kids.
Then again I can always depend on both my kids- to lose their freaking minds each and every single day.
Violet has been a wreck. Since all her therapists are on vacation, and she's not in school right now- plus she's sick.
My house is chaos right now. Levi freaking out every single time we leave the apartment.
I'm terrified and excited at the same exact time- about moving. And that there's a possibility everything will change for the better.
Just the possibility gives me goosebumps!
I'm sick right now- nose,throat- same as my kids- so my mind's a complete fog. I'm in a daze- I don't know what day it is or time, if it's sunny or raining. I'm on another planet right now.
Because of all the stress I'm under, I've been having horrific nightmares all week- like horror movies- truly scary.
I'm crawling out of my skin right now- I want everything to happen already- and the stress to be gone.
But I don't do magic- sadly.
Anyone know a fairy godmother I could call??? Anyone?

Kisses Bitches!!! Everything's about to change!!!!!
I smell something's in the air- no not a poopy diaper- I mean the smell of change coming. The winds are about to change. A serious cleansing of bullshit is coming. Can't fucking wait!
New apartment
New school??
New Therapists?
New look???who knows?
New happiness and good health?!
Healthier and slimmer Dave and mom??? Who knows?!!!
Maybe even be financially stable? Or is that asking for too much?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Trojan commerical

My sis, Dave and I were watching Tosh.O tonight.
One of my favorite shows now-
a Trojan commercial for new fire and ice condoms came on the t.v.
And my sis asked me right after the commercial-
"Does it tingle?"
Me- of course on another fucking planet- answer...
"You mean when you cum?" I asked in shock. Yeahhhhhhhh- Did I mention I'm an idiot??!
Dave and Kayla looked at me like I was an alien!
My sis answered..."uhhhhh, no. (looking at me like the idiot I am) I meant the condom- but you can answer that if you like".
Then all of us started cracking up!!
my sis then said "Innocence Shattered!"

I'm an asshole, 'nuff said.
I'm so embarrassed.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I went to one of my best friend's wedding yesterday- despite all that's been happening with Violet.
I'm still really upset about Violet's bruises from Thursday. Both her school and the bus company are saying "nothing happened". Which upsets me even more because obviously SOMETHING HAPPENED to my daughter. She has several bruises and scratches on her arms.

My friend invited Dave and I to her wedding a few months ago- so I wasn't going to disappoint her- plus I was really looking forward to going.
Dave and I pretty much never ever go out without the kiddios- so this was a special occasion.

I dressed up- of course in this long black dress- that somehow appeared in my mom's closet (still with the tag on it- never worn)and no one remembers buying this dress.
It fit me perfectly- and looked good.
I wore my mom's pearls ( because I don't have much jewelry anymore- I sold mine to pay bills months ago-sad to say) to dress it up a bit.
My mom thought I should wear this short hot pink cocktail dress- but I thought it was inappropriate for a wedding- I thought I'd look like a whore.
And really- why don't girls know how to dress for a wedding anymore- I'm not talking about the bride- but to all the single desperate ladies that attend weddings.
The bride deserves all the attention- really- you can dress like a whore any given day- does it really have to be at your friend's wedding?!

Dave didn't listen to me- and waited to try on his suit for the FIRST time- when we had only twenty minutes before we had to leave.
Everything didn't fit right. His suit from our wedding didn't fit, so he ended up wearing a jacket from someone else- His jacket was way too big, as was his shirt. His pants were too small- he had RE-sown a button, but even then worried the structural integrity would fail, and innocents would get hit with button shrapnel and die. Everything was a different color! It was a mess! And really funny at the same time.
GARGANTUAN navy Blazer, ENORMOUS gray Shirt, and lobster-bib-sized tie, petite black pants and ....ta-da...brown shoes!
And to round off the "ensemb", he was also sweating like a chubby kid at the cake buffet.

It looked like he was shrinking AND growing at the exact same time!!!

I haven't been to many weddings in my life- heck mine was at City Hall- took less than a minute and the judge couldn't get my name right- yeahhhhhh- waaaaaaaaaaay classy;)
And I was four months pregnant.

Her wedding was the most beautiful event I've ever been to and seen.
It was at St. Patrick's Cathedral.
When Dave and I got there- we were early- because if you know me- I'm never late to anything.

My thyroid is out of control- so I started getting really dizzy and woozy in church- at first I was thinking- it's cuz I'm wicked, right?
Don't think I'm the only one- Dave sweats like a hooker when he comes within even five yards of a church. Sorry hubby, but that's not the way to wash away your sins.

She had the most beautiful wedding dress- the wedding was perfect.
And I truly didn't believe a wedding could be perfect.

I'm really jaded.

The reception was amazing!

Cocktail hour-on a penthouse- Dave right away found the bar- surprise- surprise!
And had two Coronas in one hand.
I had a glass of wine.
The appetizers were delicious and then it was time for dinner and dancing.
We then went to the reception hall- Dave at that point didn't look so good 9 by which I mean he magically found a way to look even worse). His face was turning red. That's when he asked me if I had any medication for a migraine!


We danced to one quick song- before his face turned deep crimson red.
We ate dinner-and after that I knew he couldn't handle the pain much longer- so we left early- before DESSERT! oh man!
I felt bad I was leaving this amazing wedding early, but I knew Dave was really not feeling well- so we said our goodbyes to the bride and groom and left.

I told my friend later on, that if ever I decide to have a "real wedding" I'll ask her for help.

When we got home, Dave rushed for the medication.
I showed my mom and sister the photos I took at the wedding.
My mom could tell I was sad.

I was sad for several reasons- first, being we never got that amazing wedding- where all our friends and family got together and celebrated.

Second- her family was so amazing and wonderful and caring. Their speeches even made me teary eyed. And I could tell her father and her, were so close.

Third- some people at the wedding asked me "what I do" ( for a living) I couldn't obviously tell them- my whole story- majorly bipolar and all- so I just told them- I was a stay at home mom. To which they looked at me like I was an alien. Then when I told them my kids were autistic- well you could just imagine all the questions that followed.

And that led me to think about my little girl getting hurt by some unknown person- and how helpless I feel.

The wedding was amazing.
My friend was the most beautiful bride I've ever seen- and she has a heart of gold, on top of everything.

I wish her the very best- always.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Dave ( in his incredible shrinking wholeness) and I dressed up for the wedding. Photo taken by my dad's crappy little digital camera.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

My worst nightmare- Violet was hurt by someone!

Today is a nightmare. My daughter came off the bus from school- with never before seen bruises and scratches.
Her therapist and I were the first to notice. I was freaked out.
Then we went to the sensory gym- she seems to like it there ( except for yesterday).

And she was happy there. I showed her therapists the marks on both her arms- it looks as if she was restrained by an adult- hard- enough to bruise her and leave major scratch marks.

We also took photos of her bruises.
While I was at the gym with Violet, Dave made several phone calls to her new school and the bus company. We then called the police.
The police were here for quite awhile, asking us questions and examining her, they only left a few minutes ago.
We filled out a report.

Now anytime anyone touches her arms, she freaks out! I'm really scared- and angry this happened.
I've never wanted her to talk to me more than I do now-to be able to tell me what exactly happened.
Right now my princess is sleeping and I hope she has good dreams- despite the nightmare of a day. I don't feel safe sending my daughter to school, or putting her on the bus.

She's my sweet pea- she's only three years old for goodness sakes.
Dave and I are very upset about the whole situation and we want answers.
My daughter is autistic- but she doesn't harm herself like this- I know someone hurt her-
this is my worst nightmare.

Everyone loves my daughter- she's such a sweet girl- I just can't figure out why someone would harm her.
I don't know if I'll sleep at all tonight.
I just want to protect my baby girl- and make sure this never ever happens again. And that the person that did this- is brought to justice.

*photo of just one of the many bruises on her arms.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Violet's worst week ever!

Violet has had her worst week ever so far.
She doesn't transition well at all to change- and everything changed for her this week, new school, therapists- you name it. I feel so bad for her.
She's having a meltdown!

Today at sensory gym during physical therapy (PT- for short) lost her damn mind!!!
She was ALL over the place- going to hurt herself- it was insanity!
The PT was sweating her ass off, she looked a wreck half way through the session, the poor girl.
I felt bad for Violet- but worse for the therapist!

Violet has the strength of at least 100 men- AT LEAST!
There's this fully enclosed swing made of a Lycra/elastic type material- fully closed. And VIOLET used all her strength and got out of it!!! Like she was being born all over again!!!
It was so funny- and scary at the same time. Everyone at the gym was SHOCKED! They'd NEVER seen this done before.
The PT called her the Incredible Hulk! Like I said it was insane!

All the kids there- have all kinds of disabilities. This one kid, was about 13 years old and had Down's syndrome- he looked at my daughter running around crazy and asked his therapist- "What is she doing??!" The therapist answered "Running? Playing??"
The kid gave Violet the ONLY look- like YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!!!

Every kid there was looking at Violet like- You got problems kid!!!"

I was exhausted- but not as much at the PT. I'm not used to her like this- but I am used to her running and running and running- and having to run after her all the time.
Half way through the session and Violet's meltdowns- I grabbed her- picked her up in my arms and said "That it!!! Violet we are leaving!"
I carried her to her stroller- clipped her in- and she calmed down- as calm as a cucumber practically.

Did I mention that before I took her to the gym, I went food shopping and mopped the entire house?! Yeah- I'm spent at this point.
My brain is complete mush.

With Levi and Violet both losing their minds this week- I can barely stand.
I have a hard enough time- getting my family to babysit when my kids are normal- well, normal for them. Now with them going nuts- I can't go anywhere!!!
My kids are a handful and a half- it's not easy for me- I would never ever trust a babysitter- ever!

I was a babysitter for a very long time- I cared about each kid as if they were my own. I would never ever let anything happen to them- I would've taken a bullet for them- I'm not even joking. They were like my own.
But I saw many other babysitters in my time- that didn't give two shits about the kids they barely watched.

When I get home from leaving the kids with my mom and sister, they look completely wiped out- and the kids are still going. But unlike a babysitter- I trust my family.

Dave says I micro-manage and I agree. I like things done a certain way: correctly;)

Anyways that's enough crazy for one blog post,

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo: Happy Bunny

Monday, September 13, 2010

September 11th

I was going to write a blog yesterday- but I was right in the middle of a funk.
I read the first two lines- and was so angry at myself.
I sounded like an asshole.
I'm not denying that, I am a total and complete asshole-Seriously- I should have a business card saying this.
I was angry at myself for all the negativity I was writing.

Dave and I had a conversation about it- and he was right in the end-
that I have to right the truth- while I'm feeling it- even if I sound like an asshole.
The whole point of my blog/book is that people see what being bipolar really means.
The ups and downs of it all.
People have mentioned that I should maybe write under another name-
I decided not to.

Since this book is true- 100% of it- I will be upfront about myself- and in the end- I think if my family and children read this- they'll know I didn't hold back.
I've always been open about myself- why stop now?
Truthfully I just have to say "fuck it" to everyone and thing.
If you don't like it- don't read it- period.

My sister tells me to this very day- because I've told her my history with drugs, sex and eating disorders- she hasn't repeated my mistakes.
She's a healthy eater and has never done drugs. What more could I ask for, right?

I was awake for most of last night- in bed- I was thinking of the past.
Things I'm going to write about.
Sometimes I think about all the different ways my life could have gone- like alternate universes.

September 11th just passed- and I didn't write about it because I was knee deep in a depression, I'm sorry about that.

I actually remember September 11th- very clearly.
I could have lost my father that day. He was supposed to be in the twin towers that day.
When it happened, he was only a few blocks away- and saw people jumping from the building to their death.
It traumatized him for a really really long time.
My father and I did not have a good relationship at this time at all- but I was still worried about him.
I remember I picked up the girl I'd babysat since she was two and a half years old ( shout out to Anya!) from her school. I thought of her as my own. I rushed to her school to pick her up, because I was supposed to that day- and couldn't get a hold of her mother on the phone. Since all the phones were down.

I remember getting to her school in a panic- and it as madness at her school. And her seeing me and rushing into my arms. I was so thankful to hold her and that she was okay.
I than went to my sister's school with Anya, and someone had told me that " a man" had picked her up. Some unknown man!
I was freaking out, thinking the worst.

But then something in my gut told me she was okay- and maybe Dave had gotten her.
He had gone to college that day in Brooklyn- and walked - more like ran- across the bridge
to get my sister at her school.
So I picked up food for lunch and brought Anya to my house- where my sister and Dave were waiting for me. PHEW!!!
We patiently waited for my dad and mom.

We didn't know if my father was alive or not-
I couldn't get a hold of anyone!
Soon after my mother and father arrived home, thankfully. And my dad was a mess.
I was so thankful to have the people I cared about all under one roof, safe and sound.
I remember talking with my family about that day- days later, even months later.
I had talked with my father's sister about September 11th, and how she felt.
These were her exact words-
"It didn't really affect me- I mean I was in Florida. I wasn't in New York."
Did I mention she's an idiot?! I don't understand his family- never have, never will.
Yeah- one of the many reasons I don't talk to my dad's family anymore.
I asked her " What do you mean it didn't affect you?! Your brother could have been killed! And you didn't even worry?!"
His sister never even called him that day- or even days later to see if he was okay.
He has a really fucked up family.
There are so many different ways my life could have gone. I could have lost my father that day.
Do you think about different ways YOUR life could have gone- if you hadn't done this or that?
Let me know- I'd like to hear from you.

Thanks for listening. Writing Kisses Bitches- doesn't seem appropriate for this blog.
Sending much love to all of you!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Strange and Bizarre

Levi has been screaming for what seems like ever at this point.

I'm going to ask for a psychological evaluation for him, sooner than later.
Some ( very rare) days he's happy go lucky and in a good mood.
But mostly he's upset- he's very up and down- not a calm baby at all.

Before you go "That's ALL babies"- let me stop you write there. I'm not complaining about some normal crying- I do have a daughter that is autistic- and I do see the signs.
Unlike most people- this doesn't upset me- I just want him to get the help he needs- sooner rather than later. I think this makes sense.

Some people tell him- that both my daughter and son "look normal". I don't know what most people think autistic kids "look like"- but they do look like normal, regular kids. I don't know if people think autistic kids "look special" or handicapped. Truthfully I don't even know what "looking special" even means.
Both my kids look like regular kids- period.

It's such a weird thing to say anyways.

Or people tell him, I'm being paranoid- my daughter was diagnosed by professionals- same with my son. It's strange now that my daughter isn't in early intervention anymore- but now my son is. Early Intervention and CPSE are completely different.

On another note- yesterday was odd.
It was Violet's first day of school- and it didn't go well- surprise!!!
Dave thought she'd be fine- I knew different.
She had a tough day- and fell asleep really early last night- when she suffers any type of "trauma" (including having a temper tantrum) in the day she will fall right to sleep. Which is really bad when she's in the middle of therapy and she has a breakdown- because then she passes out- it's like the "fainting goats"! If you don't know what this is- look it up- it's hilarious!
Bizarre, I know.

Yesterday Dave slept almost all day- when I finally had to wake him up around 3 in the afternoon, he was groggy and not in a good mood.
I was talking to my friend about my grandmother's dementia and how I feel about it- how my grandma doesn't recognize me at all anymore- or even know my name- when out of nowhere Dave said "I'm OK with it" with an attitude.
We both just turned to look at him- like "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
He didn't understand why I was upset by that comment AT ALL.
After that I wasn't in a good mood- because I wasn't understanding him one bit.

The rest the day Dave was acting very strange.
He apologized later for what he said- but I was still confused about the whole thing.
Dave and I have been arguing a lot- I've been telling him- that he's changed so much- and sometimes I just don't understand him anymore.
I know he feels like our apartment is a trap- and I totally agree.

Just yesterday ( you all know how I've been saying this apartment is haunted) with my friend at my house- something happened.
Everyone was in the living room- my friend, the kids, Dave and I, everyone else was out, the baby monitor was on in the bedroom- an d all of a sudden we heard a noise- and then a whole lot of noise in our bedroom- my friend is a witness!- like someone was in there destroying our room!
I said to Dave "What the Fuck was that?!"
He replied "Probably your dad?"
Both my friend and I replied-"NO ONE else is HOME!"
I sent him to the room to check what happened.
Nothing seemed out of place- it was SO BIZARRE!

But this time I have a witness! Yo! I TOLD YOU ALL THIS PLACE WAS HAUNTED!
It's like there's a bad spirit just keeping us all miserable here.
I can't wait to finally leave.

Maybe then we'll be happy- I hope.

I pray every night that things will work out and everything will be okay, that we will all be happy ( and healthy) again soon.

Thanks for listening.

*old photo of my grandma and me- I was about 9 years old here- and very very tan- with very very long hair- probably the last time I ever had very long hair).

Saturday, September 11, 2010


I'm still continuing to write my book- which means sometimes I write a page in my book, instead of blogging- some rare times I have time to write both.
Yesterday was a bit odd.
I've been really depressed lately- actually more numb than feeling sad.
I dislike everything about myself at the moment.
I hope this feeling will pass soon.
Do you ever feel like that?
You hate...this and that about yourself..and wish that you could change ________ (fill in the blank).
Yeah- that's me at the moment.
I was trying on some of my clothes yesterday- disliking everything I tried. Especially this one tight shirt- Dave was there and he liked it- I said to him, the little pouch I have of a stomach I don't like showing- to which he responded-
"You have given birth to two kids- that's probably never gonna go away."
I felt defeated- "What do you mean it'll never go away?"
Something I already knew- but didn't want to hear.
Dave didn't mean anything mean by saying it, obviously.
This spiraled me downward- to start looking at old photos of myself and the taut beautiful stomach I used to have. Yes- I was like 80 lbs- and most people, including Dave thought I looked scary- and yes- I agree with them- but I still look on those days semi-fondly.
Yeah- I should totally be careful at this moment not to go all crazy starving again. Plus I don't have the patience for that anymore- I like food too much and I cook all the time because I'm good at it.
Do you ever have this moment where you realize how broken you are?
I see girls on the street and right away can tell if they are "broken" or not.
You know the ones you can sense have a million and one issues- including daddy issues- yeah I can't stand I'm one of them. Even though I clearly am one of them.
Ewww! It's gross!
I don't want to be broken- I guess being bipolar- automatically means I broken in several ways, right?
And if you're bipolar and reading this right now- thinking you're not broken...I beg to differ.
I miss so many things- probably too many to list.
Of course- being thin, having long hair ( man, I wish it hadn't fall out last spring! ), being able to wear whatever I want without feeling awkward, feeling passionate, feeling something other than numb, photographing my beautiful friends, being happy, the list goes on and on like I said.
So yesterday when I was feeling so down about myself-
That's when every stranger decided to hit on me strangely enough, while I was buying groceries with my kids- pushing a ridiculously large heavy double stroller, sweating my ass off.
A guy handing out fliers told me that he'll be waiting for me at the new store.
That made me laugh so hard.
An old guy at the supermarket decided to help me find the food I was looking for, move everything out of the way- and told me-" It was my pleasure- anytime you need me." With this sleazy old man grin and a wink.
Strange yet again.
I think men can smell- defeat- not their own defeat- but the smell of a woman feeling defeated about herself- they must think this is their chance, right?
It's like when a guy's at a bar and he sees a girl already drunk- I'm guessing something like that?
And when my book if finally done- you'll get to see why I'm so broken- in so many different ways. Broken, broken, broken.
I think to myself what my kids are going to think of me- when they eventually read this book.
It could be really bad- and go back and forth thinking if this is a good idea or not.
I'm not going to sugar coat myself- I'm obviously not perfect- more like so far from it- I can't even see the word perfect anymore.
But I will make this book as funny as possible- every mistake I've ever made- I've found humor in it.
Even in all my sexual experiences- there's a lot of humor in that for sure!
I showed my sister a chapter I wrote- she was shocked! And laughed her ass off.
That's the reaction I want- not so much the shocked part- but the laughing part most definitely.
Not to say every single thing I'll be writing about is funny.
Certain parts- might get...a negative reaction- actually I'm going to take out- the "might" part.
I know better.
Some family members came over yesterday, and while talking, I realized they never knew I smoked cigarettes- not often- just sometimes, around certain people.
Really out of everything I've ever done- this is probably the most benign- not saying smoking cigarettes isn't a bad thing- but really- EVERYTHING- that's not a big deal.
They seemed shocked when I said this- which made me think- man, I hope they never ever read my ever ever- you know?
Anyways- sorry for rambling- I write the way I think, pardon me.

Kisses -you bipolar Bitches!

*the artwork is by one of the most talented photographer/artists of all kinds of media- including music- of all time- my great friend-
Anna Fleshler ( - Her music page -

The body is mine- actually not at my lowest weight- I got much thinner than this, at my lowest point of my eating disorder)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Gave my kids a haircut

I decided today to give my kids a haircut.
No, it's not the kind my mother used to give me- with a pair of garden shears- that scared the living crap out of me!

Truth is I didn't get my hair cut in a salon till I was in my teens.
My mom cut my hair until then, for a mom with no haircutting experience whatsoever- she didn't do such a bad job- until fifth grade.

The night before my fifth grade graduation she was going to give my bob hair style a trim-and oops! She chopped it all off- into a boy's haircut!!!
I was horrified!!!

When I was a teen- I became obsessed with hair. I bought every British hairstyle magazine known to man. I'd save my babysitting money just to buy some every month.
I hung out at a favorite salon of mine- and they became my friends. I learned a lot about hair from them, cutting, coloring and styling.

I had my hair colored every color of the rainbow- every hairstyle- dreadlocks, Mohawks, braids, cornrows, weaves, you name it- I've done it.

And now that I have kids- my hair obsession hasn't changed one bit.
My daughter has very curly, fine brown hair. My son has blonde dead straight hair.
Both of their hair had gotten long- but not evenly, just kind of scraggly and stringy.
So I cut both their hair today- with a professional haircutting scissor- no garden shears here!
Lee now has a little man's hairdo and Violet has a really cute bob with a short fringe.

I would love to take them to a salon one day- but for now since I'm very poor, and they are both kids with special needs- I'd rather they freak out here- than in some stranger's chair- with someone who has no clue how to handle them.

Kisses Bitches and put away those garden shears would ya?!

*Here's a before and after photo of my son's haircut.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Bad dreams...

Today I woke up from a startling dream- which I will get to in a second- when I got up out of bed- that's when the pain set in.

From the accident yesterday of me falling on the subway stairs- I must have pulled several muscles I didn't even knew I had-when I landed on my knee- because my knee doesn't hurt, my entire thigh is killing me. I have been walking with a limp the entire day- because you all know I can't sit still to save my life. It hurts so badly and nothing- Advil nor Tylenol makes even a dent in the pain.

Hopefully it'll heal soon, the last thing I need is another freaking doctor visit.

The "dream" I had was about my mother.
Apparently in the dream itself- I had a vision of a very large blue bird slamming into my kitchen window and dying- it's a little bit more complicated than that- but I thought I'd sum it up quickly.

Everyone in my dream I explained the "vision" to, told me that meant my mother would die and I didn't have that much longer with her.
Even though several other things occurred in the dream- this thought stuck with me.
And I kept picturing my mom not being around- it really upset me.

When I saw her this morning- I thought about telling her about my dream, but I knew it would upset her- and I didn't feel like she was going to die today- so I might as well let her go to work in peace.

When she got back from work- she looked a wreck. She didn't feel well and was lightheaded.
I told her she has to take better care of herself.
She later told me her computer died at work today.
Dave and I just looked at each other.

I finally told her about my dream- and why I was concerned.
She was afraid at first- but I let her know- all I want her to do is be careful and I think everything should be okay.

As I've mentioned before- almost every dream I have- has come true in some way or another.
Of course there have been some ( only a handful) that are just my fears- or they play out very differently in the real world.

I feel like everything will be okay more or less. It just really shook me up thinking one day my mom could be gone- and the last thing I would say to her- might not be the last words I want her to remember, you know?

I can't get the vision out of my head. I just have to tell myself everything's going to be okay.

Kisses Mamas and Papas and..bitches:)

*photo found when looking up large blue bird- this bird looks very similar to the one in my dream- very eerie.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Got shot in the freaking nipple!

So after a long grueling day- I decided to put all my frustrations and such away- and go cook an amazing meal.
Yep- I'm not gonna be modest about this one- I was fuck awesome! Fresh homemade Puttanesca sauce with sausage and linguine pasta.
Just thinking about the meal I just made and ate- makes me happy.
But while making this amazing meal- I felt a bit nauseous- from the whole messed up thyroid thing I got going on- what always helps it - at least for me- is seltzer.

I put some in the freezer to get cold quick.
I opened the freezer door- as Dave stood next to me talking- and saw as if in slow motion the seltzer bottle coming towards me- falling out of the freezer and aimed directly at me-
And that's when it happened!
It shot me in the fucking nipple!
What the FUCK?!!!
I screamed as if I had really been shot- by a freaking bullet!
As I grabbed my boob- in pain- I realized how fucking funny the whole event was. And Dave and I couldn't stop laughing.

Just thought I'd share my embarrassment yet again- to share with all of you.
Don't worry my nipple and boob- are just fine, thanks for your concern.

Kisses Bitches! Protect yo nipple bitches!
*horror scream photo found on google images


This morning Sucks ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kayla woke me up this morning- to get Violet ready to go to the doctor. I shook Dave awake- so he could get ready as well.

Dave right away replied with "I just got Lee to sleep." Meaning Dave wasn't going.


I was upset!

But Kayla and my father came with me instead.
I took my thyroid meds- which meant I couldn't eat until I got back from the doctor.

On the way there we took the subway.
My sister and I have going down the stairs with Violet, down pat.
I grab the back- she grabs the front of the stroller.
My dad really wanted to help- so I let him grab the front of the stroller- but he did it with one hand- and not in the middle, so the stroller was lopsided and he was going down the stairs too fast!

So I was trying to keep the stroller upright and steady...and then I missed a step.
I made sure Violet didn't topple over or anything- but my knee hit the metal stair HARD!

Kayla's first thought when she saw me go down was- "PIMP DOWN! PIMP DOWN!"
Did I mention I love the shit out of my sister- she's so fucking awesome!

A random guy ran up to me asking me if I was okay. I wasn't-and I was really embarrassed.
I just told the guy "Thank you so much. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

My dad felt so guilty. I didn't want him to feel bad- because I know he didn't mean for me to get hurt. When we arrived at our stop, I felt nauseous from the pain- and thought I was going to throw up on myself. How embarrassing would that have been?!
But I held it together.

We got to the doctors office, Violet was hitting me and kicking me in my bad knee, in the waiting room. And people were looking at her and I- like she was a brat or something- I didn't feel like explaining she was autistic at the time.

When we walked into the doctor's office- he asked me if I was having a good day-
to which I replied "Horrible- I want to go kill myself".
I think he understood- after all he knows my family very well.

He examined her, and she ended up getting two shots. My poor baby girl.

And he went over my chart as well.
He upped one of my meds- and lowered another. Surprise!- my thyroid is ALL over the fucking place.
We went to Fairway on the way back- I still couldn't eat anything yet because the doctor wanted me to take yet another thyroid pill when I got home.
Fairway was complete madness!
Everyone there was being a total fuckface. For some reason every old woman had a vendetta against every mother there!

And right now- it's only 11:15 A.M!!! FUCK ME! This day sucks ass!
I'm so depressed right now.
Kisses Bitches!
*photo found on google images

Monday, September 6, 2010

Started writing my book.

I had Dave and my mom read an excerpt from the book I started writing the other day.
Both weren't too happy.

And that part was TAME!

Dave loved the writing but it reminded him of me when I was manic- not his favorite times that's for sure.
My mom wasn't too pleased either.
So from now on- family doesn't get to read my writing- except my sister- who doesn't judge me, no matter what I do or say.
I was at an all time low last night. Everyone knew it, because I was really quiet- and if you know me, I'm never ever quiet.
I was numb- no anger, or sadness, just emptiness.
I decided to go to sleep early last night- I hadn't anything better to do.
There are so many thoughts going through my head.
Worries, frustrations-
So I took all those emotions- and decided to clean the entire fucking house this morning.

I had enough!!!

I saw a bug this morning while making myself coffee. I hadn't seen a bug here in nearly ten years!!!
I'm such a freaking girl when it comes to bugs and rodents!
So I cleaned the whole house, mopped, swept, wiped- you name it.
All while listening to music, blaring through my headphones.
Music is my way to get away from everything and everyone.
Afterwards I showered and got dressed. The kids were getting restless and so was I.
Dave and my dad slept the entire time I spent cleaning.
Dave asked me- "Wouldn't you rather chill than go outside?"
To which I replied "Have I ever just chilled and relaxed????"
It's been a long fucking while- plus it's hard for me to just sit back and relax with kids that are anxious to get outside and do something.
I got my blood test results in the mail- not in detail- just telling me what I already know- they were abnormal and I need to see an endocrinologist soon.

I'm emotionally exhausted.
I might have to go back on Geodon, after slowly going through withdrawal from not taking it.
I've been off of it for awhile now- I see that might have to change.
I feel more lonely than anything.
Ever with all my family around.
I have all these internal thoughts and feelings- that I don't feel the need to share with anyone.
In a house full of people- I'm still alone.
I might post the excerpt later this week.
I think it shows my sense of humor while still talking about a serious subject matter.
Would you read a book filled with real stories about sex with both genders, drugs, hospitalizations, eating disorders, near death experiences ( the list goes on and on)?

Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of me need deep in mania- yes I am actually sitting in the middle of a busy street with cars coming. The photo was taken by a brilliant fashion photographer, my dear old friend Udo. I have many fond memories of talking dirty to him, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. It would crack us both up.

Sunday, September 5, 2010 niiiiiiiiice....

I haven't had coffee in weeks- and today I said hello to my dear old friend. Coffee.
I probably haven't told y'all that Dave finally went to the dentist this past week, after 20 years!!!
He had two teeth pulled- he still as of today has to eat soft foods.

So he was prescribed vicodin- my oldest, dearest and truest friend.
My beloved Vicodin and me go way back.

Dave has been so nice to me while he's been on this medication. Like a whole new person.

It always makes me sad when this medication runs out.
Dave's been trying to push Vicodin on me- because truly I do believe it makes me a better person;)

But alas, I haven't touched it.

Dave hasn't been so easily irritated with me lately. I quite like it this way.
BTW I'm now on my second cup of mojo ( french vanilla coffee- yummmmmm).
My body hurts and even though I know vicodin is only a few steps away- I must not.
Dave asks me from time to time- why aren't we alcoholics?
Besides the obvious answers ( we have kids, we both used to be alcoholics and so on and so on) I always tell him, because we are poor dear- and can't afford alcohol. That's TOO expensive.

We have a wedding to go to this month.
It's only the second wedding I've ever been to. Of course besides my hack of a wedding.
And this wedding will have an open bar- it's an Irish wedding.
I told Dave before we go to this very important wedding, that happens to be one of my bestest friends getting married, God Bless her-

Number one- no excuses, he cannot under any circumstance back out of going to this wedding.
Number two- he must not get wasted! That would be BAD.
Number three- there is no number three- just stick to number one and two!

After all, Dave can down about 15 beers in probably one hour- and that's with him taking his time.
I don't drink the way I used to. Except for my birthday party- at which I got completely wasted.
Not a proud moment.

So as I finish the wonderful last drop of my fantastic coffee, I think back to the good old days of being on vicodin.

And think sadly of the upcoming day- when the vicodin is all gone. And Dave will be annoyed with me yet again.


Kisses Bitches!

* photo found on the net- I think it fits

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Please... you've got to help mee...

I took Violet to the doctor EARLY this morning. I was out of the house before 8 A.M.- ON A SATURDAY!

We don't know what's causing her to be sick- it could be a number of parasites- so they will be testing her for that. I also JUST got the list of things needed for Violet to be ALLOWED to start school- such as shots and things of the sort.

So today on top of everything she got her first TB shot. Oh my!

And Tuesday I have to go back to the doctor early in the morning to "read" her TB shot results- meaning she can't start school that day. Also on that day she might be receiving a few vaccines as well. And you all know how I feel about vaccines...
I feel so bad for my baby girl.
So today I took her shopping- for some much needed shoes and a book bag and lunch box.
Payless has an awesome sale right now and I had a twenty percent off coupon on top of that.

She LOVES shoes and bags- in this sense she is a girlie girl. But her favorite things are still the color blue and green and dinosaurs.

I have to see my doctor again soon. The medication he gave me for my thyroid isn't working- it's super low right now- I've been feeling my heartbeat going all over the place- I'm exhausted and my body hurts a lot.
I've been taking aspirin yet again. This always happens when my thyroid is really low and no one knows why.
I feel like I'm going to pass out- so I'll make this super quick.

On top of everything I had a very bizarre dream last night-
Eddie Murphy- YES- Eddie Murphy was in my dream. I have NO CLUE WHY.
And he told me I need to get myself checked out by a doctor. He signaled to my abdomen.
I said to him "Eddie Murphy, are you trying to tell me I have Cancer?"
To which he replied. "Yes."

Like I said bizarre.

So I really want to know my blood tests results now.

I'm not scared- I know no matter what- I'll live through it.
I just know this. I don't know how I know- I just do.
Dave just handed me two aspirin- and I'm gonna lay down now.

Thanks my beautiful bitches- for listening to my dumb ass.

Friday, September 3, 2010

A Week to Remember.

Several things happened this week-
I took my babies to the nearby public pool several times and Coney Island.
But ever since Coney Island, Violet has been really ill. Probably due to the gross sea water she swallowed ( like every kid I know). Her tummy has been upside down. I feel so bad for her!!!
She's in a lot of pain.
She finally had some dinner tonight for the first time in a few days!
I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow morning- yet again. I LIVE at this doctor office now. It's insane!

On a whole other note-
I found out the other day my grandfather died, my father's real dad.

I cancelled all therapies and doctor's appointments so that I could be here for my father.
My dad, is trying to pretend that he doesn't care-but I know he does.
His father and him had a very complicated relationship- and he hadn't seen him in almost 30 years.
I never met him. He never wanted to meet me.
Some people don't understand relationships like these- but I know them all too well. I've been practically erased from my father's family altogether.
Not that I really mind. His mother never met my children.
According to them- I'm crazy, a liar and I live in a fantasy world.
This is of course because I told them the absolute truth- about my father and my relationship and the things that have happened to me.
So of course- to them I'm a complete liar- since they never ever want to face the truth.

I got over this a long time ago. I don't want to force anyone to care about my kids or me- we deserve better than that- my children DEFINITELY deserve better than that.

I still from time to time have dreams of my dad's family trying to get back in contact with me- I'm not sure if that's wishful thinking- or something that will happen in the future.
People from my past show up in my dreams all the time- every dream means something different.

So even though my grandfather never wanted to know me, I still mourn his death, and the man I never got to meet.
Sometimes I wonder if I would show up to my father's mother's funeral, when she eventually passes away. I truly don't know. I don't really understand my dad's family at all, or their way of thinking.

I will always love my children, no matter what they do- or get into. I will be there for them, and their children, and so on. I guess my dad's family never really understood what love really means. I feel sorry for them.

My dad never learned how to show love-
but I know what love is, and what it means.
I give my family everything I have- I give my children all I have to offer.

They are so special.

I can't imagine anything they could do to make me turn them away- and I can imagine A LOT- especially based on my sordid past.
I never knew my mom's dad, he passed away when she was 18 years old.
But I know, from everything I've heard about him, and everything I know about my grandmother ( my mom's mother) that he would have been in my children's lives and loved them so much. I know if my grandmother didn't have dementia, she would be involved in my kids lives as well.

She was always the most giving, loving, caring person I've ever known- besides my mom of course.

So here's to the man, who never wanted to know me- may you rest in peace, grandfather.
And may you now see what you missed knowing.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Beach time!

Sorry it's been so long- and please don't think I haven't wanted to blog- it's just been really busy here.
You all know I've been depressed for awhile- so that makes days like today- ooooh so much better.

We decided to go to the beach- Coney Island, of course!

Yes I do think very fondly of my dear old Coney Island- even though the beach is dirty and the water even more so- frankly I'm too poor to go to Long Island beaches, so Coney was the ONLY beach we can get to.

I like the people there- a mix of ghetto-ness, tattooed folk and old timers- my kind of people!

It took almost two hours to get there- but the kids- very surprisingly were really well behaved on the train- almost like they knew where we were going.

Usually Lee freaks the f*ck out every time we go on the train- but this time- SILENCE!

Me likey!!! Me likey a lot!

It was REALLY hot today- about 96 degrees or so- and I really felt that at first.

The minute we got everything set up on the beach- Violet rolled around in hot sand.

Dave took her to the water and I took Lee.

Violet was scared at first but Dave didn't give up- and soon she was loving the water.

Lee- not so much. The sound of the waves really freaked him out and he was very scared.

Unlike when we go to the nearest public pool and he falls asleep on my cushiony boobies every time.

I definitely gave birth to water babies- that's for sure. I think Lee would have loved it if it hadn't been so noisy.

I took him back to the blanket and he laid with me under the umbrella. Just chillin' with me, chewin' on a plastic bucket. What can I say- he's a total mama's boy- his life is all about me right now- and I love it!

He sat on my lap and relaxed.

Kayla, Dave and Vi went back and forth into the water. Violet was covering herself in sand while playing with her bucket and shovel. At one point she rubbed her eyes- and that's when the trouble started. Sand must have gotten into her eyes and she was crying and kept rubbing them. I tried to wash out her eye- with no success. For the rest of the day her right eye bothered her- and she was exhausted.

We went to grab something cheap and quick to eat- and then headed to Brighton Beach- where we could get all kinds of delicious Russian food with our food stamps to bring home for everyone.

After that the day was done and we headed home.

The minute we got home, I put both Lee and Vi into a bath and put eye drops in Vi's eyes.

Lee finally drank a bottle- after going nearly the whole day without any. I did get him to drink some water- thank goodness and eat some yogurt melts.

We took lots of photos throughout the day.

I was inspired by some old photos I found of my grandmother- looking all pin-up on the beach.

I think the photos might have even been taken on Coney Island beach.

So I decided to make these photos black and white and dress a tiny bit retro.

Even though Coney Island has changed a lot- I'm kind of glad. Even a few years ago- Coney Island wasn't safe. Especially near dark.

But now- it's much more family oriented and the rides look awesome. Yes, I'm too poor to ride them right now- but I'd like to think I'll get to some time.

I feel at home, with the old men with pot-bellies and old army and navy tattoos- they're my kind of people. At no point will they ask me- "Why did you get that tattoo?" or "Have you thought of what that tattoo will look like when you get older?" Another favorite question of mine.

I especially like the old guys with crazy cool mustaches- I think they're so awesome.

Yeah, I know I'm bizarre- whatever!

All in all- it was a great day today- besides all the crying and screaming.

And now as I type this blog post- I realize how tired my body is- aching from all the carrying and schlepping.

No- I'm not going to sleep just yet- I just want to sit on the couch, while the kids finally fall asleep, play some video games or watch a movie.

I LOVE the summer- and really really don't want the winter to come.

Kisses Bitches!
* photo of Vi, Lee and me and his plastic bucket