I was wrong.

I didn't GAIN two pounds. I actually lost two pounds. I found out. And got weighed again today and another doctor's office and lost another 2 pounds in TWO DAYS.
Let me explain why- 2 reasons- STRESS and NO FOOD.
Yup. you put those two things together and you get that near passing out feeling all day.
We're fighting to get our food stamps back, after they stopped them for no good reason, other than saving THEM money. FUCK~
So yeah- the food situation.
Thanks to some family members- we'll be okay for a couple of days. I'm going to sell my shit at a nearby block fair. I was planning on donating my kids old clothes, but it turns out we need the money really badly.
Dave doesn't want me to sell my collectibles for pennies, but I don't really think we have a choice.
I have a huge star wars collection- Yes! I'm a really big time uber-nerd.
I also have plenty of other toys, I planned on giving to my children, since I don't really have money to leave them, I have mint in box ( never opened) toys galore from way back when. This is my nerd legacy.
It pains me to sell these things, because they are the only things I have to leave for my kids.
And yes, I have been thinking a lot about death lately. No, not killing myself.
I'm just really ill right now, most of which I cannot go into detail about here because it's too personal.
I just feel really beat down physically and emotionally.
My daughter is very very ill. She has an antibiotic resistant UTI, that's hurting her badly.
The anitbiotics made her even sicker. And she's just screaming and tantruming ALL day. It's exhausting. I'm trying everything to make her better. I feel she's regressing big time. I'm scared. She was making so much progress only to now take several steps backwards. I don't know what to do. I feel I'm doing everything wrong.
All this aside- I'm proud of myself, for keeping it together thus far, even while on antibiotics. And believe me, it's very hard.
Some days I go to bed, after a day like today, and feel like I have nothing left- to give- to anyone. I have nothing for myself. I give ALL of me all day and night. I don't have anymore of me left. If I was a bit more girlie- I would probably cry. But I don't like that feeling. Being vulnerable. It irks me. I'm more of a guy that way. EW, feelings! I'm more the detached type of personality. It's really an aquarius thing, so I'm told.

So yeah- I'm trying not to go further down the weight loss rabbit hole of doom.
Wish me luck!!!!

Love all you crazy ass bitches!!!!
By the way, I'm listening to Nirvana's Lithium- how fitting.

*Here's a photo from my photo shoot.

Being real poor- not Rich man's poor...

Let me start off by saying it sucks being poor. Now when I say poor- and mean POOR.
Not rich man's poor like Nicholas Cage or any celebrity claiming to be poor. Or poor like my evil grandmother, but poor- so poor I'm several months behind on my bills. My family had to borrow money from my evil grandmother- she works hand in hand with the devil, I'm sure. Now before you go judging me- you have to know something about me. One- I love my family more than anything or anyone. We work like a hive- dependent on one another- my mom, dad, sister, husband and my two young children.
I'm a very loyal person and it takes a lot to get on my bad side. I have two grandmothers- one who has dementia and means the world to me- the other, my father's mother- treats my family like horse sh*t- actually less than. She has never helped us out of the goodness of her heart- because frankly her heart is black and cold. She thinks I live in a fantasy world because she won't ever except her son's (my father) flaws and thinks I'm making things up. My father and I have had a very rough relationship. The details I will not say here- in my blog- but maybe one day in a book I plan to write about my life someday.
She is an evil woman who doesn't do anything just to help- everything she does she expects things in return even from the penny less.
Getting back to what I was talking about earlier- it takes a lot for me to hate someone. But my grandmother falls into that category.
We borrowed money from her so we wouldn't be evicted- yup things are that bad.
We're looking for someone to buy us out of this apartment so we could move somewhere way more affordable- somewhere to call our own- and not be afraid of being evicted from. To be able to keep our heads way above water- which seems impossible at this moment in time.
We borrowed money from her- and I, alone, have to pay her back a large sum of money monthly until the debt is paid.
This sum of money- is way more than I can afford. We have no money for food or our bills. I go to a food pantry to make sure my family can eat.
She claims she is "poor"- yet she has never been behind on a single payment in her entire life and grew up being a socialite. I hate when rich people claim to be poor.
Their idea of poor doesn't include food stamps, going to a food pantry, or governmental disability assistance in mind.
Poor is my life. I work everyday on trying to get out of this horrible, nightmare of a situation- but being poor is a trap- it's like a hamster wheel. A never ending hellish nightmare. Which makes me worry sick, day in and out.
This evil woman would rather my family go hungry and be out on the streets than not be paid back.
But I have to believe that God is just and swift and those that do wrong- will get what they have coming to them.
I'm waiting for that moment. That moment where her delusions of being a good person and mother will come crumbling down- and she will see all the hurt and pain she has caused. She will one day feel remorse and regret. One day and hopefully soon before it's too late.
I pray daily to god to help me better my family's life.
Thank you all for listening and for your understanding.
Love you all.
God bless you.