Rant for the day.

So many things to rant about today...so many things.

This weekend was a bit difficult. The miscarriage I suffered last weekend really put my body out of whack. As well as my emotions. Due to that, I wasn't feeling so well this weekend. And I was a bit down as well.

Waiting on food stamps- is killing me. I was going to start eating rice day in and out again so that my family had enough food to eat.

But Violet was running out of food, and Lee was almost out of formula.

I was freaking out. We still have almost two more weeks till the next month's check. And still no word from food stamps. ARGH, the government is so frustrating.

Laundry is stacking up, we are almost out of clothes- and I had to use the laundry money for food. Just another month, right?

It usually isn't THIS bad. I mean we struggle but this was FUCKING horrible. I must go to the food pantry. It's hard going there-not because of my pride or anything- I have NONE when it comes to feeding my kids. NONE.

I just wish I could help the other people that I see there suffering. I feel helpless because I have nothing to offer.

So my room is full of bags with laundry- and I have to get creative when picking out my daughter's outfits to go to school in. Luckily they think we're like fashionistas or something- because my daughter sometimes goes to school in tutus and crazy "fashion forward" clothing. I'm glad they think that and they don't think we're crazy instead.

I thank g-d for my family members that have helped me out this month. My aunt really came through for us this month, as well as my grand-uncle (without him I'd have nothing in the freezer), and I will pay her back, not matter what, with next month's check. Hopefully then we'll have gotten back food stamps, and months and months of retro. Hopefully.

My son's birthday was last week, and I had nothing- no money to buy him a single present. Thank goodness for the dollar store- at least I was able to get some balloons- with my laundry money and a few ingredients for the cake I made him. I wasn't even able to have a small celebration for my little man, like I wanted.

I get asked a lot of times- why is money so tight? Well..we are supporting several people- both my kids have special needs- which usually means "special" more expensive food. Very expensive actually. We also live in the city- and very expensive city- where everything is extremely costly.

I long for the day- where all my bills are paid, we have more than enough food and we have money left over. I don't care about luxury items- I really don't.

That's what gets me so annoyed with rich people. They don't know how good they have it. And the things they waste money on is ridiculous.

All I want to know is that we have the necessities- like toilet paper, tissues, diapers, wipes, the list goes on and on. I haven't bought any "luxury" items in so long. Because I know that money could be used for laundry or food!

When I read the paper, the things that celebrities do with their money is appalling. They could be helping so many people in need!!! I would help fix up so many shelters in the city, and make them safe for children. Most shelters in the city are terrifying. Sometimes not any better then being out on the street!

I'd also help get better food in the food pantries and make it more accessible for the homeless. There are SO many people in need that could use help.

But most rich people feel that those people are not their problem- and that the poor should "get a job". I hate this sentence- because really they know NOTHING about being really fucking dirt poor, and/or having a mental illness. A large percentage of homeless people have a mental illness- "getting a job" is really not an option. And really- "get a job"?! In this economy right now- even people with a Master's degree are having a difficult time getting a job nowadays.

Listen, even my husband- with a 162 I.Q. ( technically a genius- "regular people" have an I.Q. of about 135) has had a difficult time for years "getting a job".

I dream- not of being a billionaire, though being a millionaire- I could help a lot of people. I dream of days where collectors aren't calling me non-stop and not having to go to the food pantry because food stamps have fucked with me yet again.

Sorry for the long ass rant. But I'm tired and cranky.

Luckily I have my kids here to cheer me up.

I really hope things get better for everyone, all my poor friends out there that are struggling.

I love you all, and can't wait for the day I can help everyone and pay everyone back.

My prayer are with you all. G-d Bless you.

Thanks for listening.

Kisses to all my struggling bitches out there! I feel your pain.

On another note.

Today was a rough day all around. Besides Levi's audition, I had a "heart episode" again. Don't worry I scheduled a heart doctor appointment. He's the head of cardiology, and takes great care of my father. I met him, and he was wonderful.
But the soonest appointment I can get is for April 1st. Argh.
I'll be fine- it's just irritating. I'm a very physical person and always running around doing errands, after the kids, and taking care of the house- I don't get to sit very often, so when I can't physically do everything I NEED to do- it frustrates the living crap out of me.
Just today, while pushing, the double (very heavy) stroller uphill, killed me. Couldn't breathe, and a lot of pressure on my chest. Pisses me off!
Aspirin is my friend. My very good friend.
I really want to go see my very talented friends perform ( brilliant musicians- every single one of them) and I'm scared to travel far alone- with my heart problem.
What do I do if it happens on a crowded train at night? I hate being scared.
I feel very undependable now. I like being the friend people can count on- but I feel I haven't been that for awhile now. I'm looking to change that. Hopefully soon.
To all my beloved friends out there that I've let down- I'm so sorry. I really am.
And I striving to change things.
On another note- Monday I go back to the food pantry for my monthly visit.
Now don't get me wrong- things have been better THIS month thus far, doesn't mean anything for NEXT month. I never know how things will be from one moment to the next. So I like to be prepared. Canned tomatoes goes a long way. The food pantry helps, they are so nice there and friendly. But I still feel bad, I wish I had the means to give instead of take.
I go there with my social worker ( I have her through Violet's Early Intervention Program), she's an angel, and has helped my family greatly.
God bless her!


So that's all for today.
Stay tuned.

Yesterday.

Yesterday I went to a food pantry. Don't be scared- This month was actually better than last- but I never know how my family's going to be from week to week. So I'd rather be prepared.
We've had weeks before where our cabinets were bare.
So thanks to my social worker- she found out about this church that helps people in my financial situation. They were so nice.
During the interview I cried. I really really HATE crying or being vulnerable in any way especially in front of strangers. But this guy that was helping me out was so nice and kind and seemed to really care. Plus I haven't talked to my therapist in awhile so...I think I was ready to cry at the drop of a hat.
Explaining my family's situation always makes me nervous, anxious and emotional.
I try to control it but sometimes it's really difficult.
They had a basement filled with canned goods.
One funny thing that happened there- While I was being interviewed a biker guy came in and saw a can of food and said "mmm, yeah!" The interviewer looked over and said to the biker-" That's cat food." To which the biker didn't seemed surprised and replied " MEEEEEOOOOOW!"
Ah, the people I meet while seeking assistance.
I hope to be in a position that I can donate food to this food pantry- instead of taking from it.
On another note- the other day Violet's therapist had a "team meeting" at my house.
This is where they discuss what's working and not working with Violet. I'm having a tough time with the school she's in now. She has multiple health problems and is absent from school quite a lot because of them. I have explained this to the teacher but for some unknown reason she does not comprehend the situation. Wonderful, right?
As if I want Violet to be absent from school????
It is my only semi-break- when she's in school. Do they think I don't want that?!
These are bizarre people I'm dealing with I tell ya. BIZARRE.
Other than the school issue her home therapies are going really well and I'm extremely proud of her. YAY for VIOLET!!! As her therapists and I would say when she does something good.
Tomorrow Violet has a "play date" at (soon to be-hopefully) her new Pre-K school!
It's a baby version of a job interview. Seriously, I never thought I'd be doing this-baby interviewing for schools, waiting list and such.
It's truth be told- a real upper-class, rich person thing to be doing with their child.
Thankfully, my daughter's schools are paid for by the state. Otherwise she'd be at home till kindergarten!
I can't believe the amount people pay for Pre-schools- about the same as college!
It's insanity. I'd never do that.
Another funny thing- while Dave was finally getting a chance to do a month's worth of laundry ( hey - don't judge-we can only afford it once a month- so chillax). He was talking with a neighbor and jokingly said "My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, I think I'm gonna have to switch to cocaine!" and laughed. The neighbor (an older woman) replied "OH MY GOD! If you know a good dealer let me know!". By the way she was SERIOUS!
And THIS is the building I live in.
On that note- Kisses bitches!!!

As always more to come...