Monday, February 28, 2011

Depressed-hard to type

This past weekend was stressful.

We all went to the city Saturday, packed with our kids and the double stroller.

It was fun at times- but overall more stressful than fun.

The kids were having meltdowns towards the end of the day.
Levi was trying to hit his head against the stroller, while screaming.
At the same exact time Violet was screaming.

Two screaming kids- I felt overwhelmed and very anxious.

Sunday we went to flatbush- the kids were tantruming most of the time- so we cut the day short- very short.

I got my nose pierced again, the fourth time in four years.
I just want to feel something, you know.
Feel happy. Feel good about myself and my life.

Is that too much to ask for?
You know what- don't answer that.
I already know the answer.

I'm frustrated. I feel I live for everyone else and not myself and I'm not talking about my children. That I understand completely.

The whole weekend while outside, I'm worrying if Dave and the kids are having a good time. No one cared, or even asked, if I was having a good time.

Levi's tantrums have gotten violent towards me-especially this past weekend- kicking and biting me. Violet's aggressive too.

I feel banged up and emotionally exhausted.

I feel like I'm doing this alone.

I know I said I don't censor myself- but I do- and I do it a lot in my blog- so I don't hurt anyone.

But most of the time I feel suffocated- like my feelings are being suffocated. I'm just pushing my feelings- and all of me- deep deep down inside- so far down I don't know what to feel anymore.

I'm scared of feeling that if I voice my opinion, bad things will happen.

I just want to feel happy again- I don't feel like myself anymore- and I haven't for a really really really long time.
I've been upset and couldn't bring myself to write about it. Even now I'm censoring myself-
and I apologize for that.

Maybe one day it will all be made clear.
At least I hope it will.

Kisses Bitches.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

been quiet for awhile

hey guys and gals!
I've been quiet for awhile- sorry about that.
A lot of things have been happening.
My birthday just passed. I turned 30 years old.
Usually, I would think nothing of it-
but for so many years, including this year- I couldn't see beyond the present day.
I never believed I had a future.
I still don't.
I spent a lot of time in crisis mode.
I lived a very fast, hard fucking life- in a short amount of time.
The point I'm getting at is that I never ever believed I'd make it to 30.
Not because my body would kill me (even though it's tried so very hard so many times), but that I would kill myself.
I tried during my stay in hospitals (plural). I not afraid of pain.
I LIVE through pain.
At least I've learned to tolerate it.
Since I feel physical pain all the time now.
Funny since when I was a child I didn't feel physical pain.
Didn't know I'd broken bones until the day afterwards.
I would run into door knobs to see if I could bust the door open with my head.
Yeah- I was a very "special" kind of child.
Didn't feel pain.
Now it seems that's all I do.
I have spent so many years poor, dirt poor, that I don't expect any type of gifts or even cake at this point.
I remember many birthdays miserable- broke and eating rice so that my family could afford to eat food.
I'm used to starving, I've done it for over two thirds of my entire LIFE! And no I do not "enjoy" starving anymore.
I was surprised on my birthday when my parents made a big deal about it.
It was very strange and a welcomed emotion from me.
The day in itself, was similar to every other day- until it came to dessert.
My dad had bought me a birthday cake!
Yes, it was one of the only flavors I dislike (chocolate mousse- eww!), but I didn't let him know.
I don't get moments like these from my dad, so I tried to enjoy this one.
As I was about to blow out the candles-I noticed there was no camera.
No, I'm not constantly posing for the camera-
it's a tradition of ours to take a photo of blowing out the candles every single birthday, like most families.
I asked Dave to get the camera, he seemed to not care.
This angered me a lot.
He knew the tradition, and why this birthday meant something to me, but he seemed too busy eating a burger to pay me any mind.
Needless to say, I blew out my candles without a photo to capture the moment.
I was furious and this sparked a huge argument between Dave and I.
I won't go into details, other than he did share that he's been depressed for many years now.
And can't "feel" happiness.
I starting writing this blog- two days ago-
in the middle of writing this my son starting puking he's guts out.
Everyone had the stomach virus and are still recuperating.
Now I continue this blog- days later- and I'm not feeling the same emotion I was when I was writing the blog.
Today it is Dave's birthday.
And like me, he never ever saw a future for himself.
Yet here we are on his 38th birthday, celebrating (kind of) with our two kids.
I want to make a big deal about it. But he still doesn't feel well- so buying a cake and going out, is out of the question.
And I think he's still depressed.
Plus today I get a call from my landlord that my CRAZY neighbor is complaining she doesn't have heat "because there are too many people here taking showers all day long".
Meanwhile she has five people living there, none of them little babies.
I only have two more people here, and they are both under four years old!
What a fucking crazy person!
Tell I meantion, she came knocking on MY door at 8p.m. a few night ago blaming me for her not having any hot water.
Even though I spend many days with no hot water myself!
Oy Vey!
It's times like these I really wish I had moved to Florida, instead of here.
And had our own house- with no landlord or upstairs neighbors complaining.

I dream of warm weather, our OWN place and no one to answer to.

I dream a dream worth living for.

Kisses Bitches!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A how-to about being Bi

You might read this and laugh.
Obviously I don't NEED to explain what bisexuality means, or how to have do I?
To some of you, maybe I should explain how to have sex- because I'm sure that I might have slept with some of you- and I'm positive most have no clue what they are doing in bed whatsoever.
But this is not a lecture on how to have good- no. Scratch that! GREAT sex!
You might feel like crying now- because you are so so very sad- you will never know the wisdom I possess. Stop your crying. No, really- stop your crying- it's annoying.

Okay on to what I meant to say-

When you have lived a...hummm. how do I word this....."otherworldly existence" while on this planet- by being yourself- be it gay or bisexual- you will no doubt come across this situation.
You are in a relationship (or not) and you have befriended a new person.
You really enjoy this person's friendship- did I mention they were the same gender as you?
And you somehow have to finally tell this person that you are gay or bisexual-

The first time I came out of the closet to my friends, about being bisexual.
The first thing out of my friends' mouth was "You're not gonna hit on me now, right?!"
My reply "Of course not!"

Their response- which I'll never quite understand at all- "Why? I'm not pretty enough?!"

I thought- WAIT a fucking minute!!! First you don't want me to hit on you, then you feel insulted because I WON'T?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Women are CRAZY creatures. They are- no doubt. And I'm one of them.
We are crazy, complex, curious, contrary- and WE FUCKING ROCK!
We blow your fucking MINDS away! Seriously.

Girl power bitches! Girl muthafuckin' power, yo!

I'll never understand women completely- because I rarely understand myself.

Anytime I befriend a female (doesn't happen frequently- most women I meet seem to hate me instantaneously), I eventually come across the moment where I have to tell them my background. You all know I'm an open book- straight forward- no holding back- except in this case.
I worry about the female's reaction when I tell them I'm bisexual. When I say  I'm bisexual- they might think- I'm still looking for a woman- even though I'm married to a man.
So I'd rather say my sexuality is "Married".
You married women out there- know exactly what I'm talking about- so don't front! Don't Front!

The other day when talking with my new mama clan (my new mama friends),
when talking about an ex of mine- I never say their gender.
I knew it was time- and I better make this funny-

Now in the past- I have experienced a lot of hatred from people, for being with a woman. A LOT! People screaming at me and my, then girlfriend, in the streets how we're evil, we belong in hell---yada yada yada.
There's still A LOT of hatred out there against gays.
It's horrifying.
And truthfully- I never know how a person is going to react to me being bisexual.
Homophobic people- look normal on the outside,
it's always nerve wrecking when you have no clue how someone will react.
Why do you think, it's scary coming out of the closet???
It's terrifying!!!

So I decided to come out to my friends like this "I USED TO BE GAY!"
Like I was saying I used to like the color orange. Very nonchalant, you know.
Of course- I know you can't CHANGE being gay- either you are or you aren't.
I will always be bisexual- deep inside. I have loved women and men, since I was a child.
That's not gonna change.
But I'm married now and have chosen my path to be with my husband.
(Dave: Actually... I cured her gayness...with my penis...)

They cracked up laughing so hard.
It made my day!
Not only were they okay with it, but I also made them laugh.

And if you know me- that's my favorite thing ever- and I feel it's my purpose in life. To say my story and in the process make people laugh with joy.

Without laughter, there's only tears.

Kisses Bitches!!!
Be proud of yourself, never back down. You're loud! You're proud! And so fucking fabulous!!! You better WORK!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy muthafuckin' V-Day

No, I don't mean happy Venereal disease Day-
I mean happy Valentine's Day.

Truthfully, I don't celebrate it anymore.
I'm sure my kids will grow up celebrating it. And I will show them my love- as per usual.
But for me- I learned a long long time ago-
you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you hype up the day with your loved one/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Yeah- I'm total downer.
But truthfully- realizing this many years ago- helped me actually enjoy myself and not be miserable all V-day long.
I've been so very poor for sooo very long- and live with procrastinators- so everything was always left to the last minute and we ended up doing nothing.
Now- I don't expect anything- and I always end up- NOT pissed off full of disappointment.
This was Dave and my exact conversation just a few minutes ago, WORD FOR WORD on V-day (at around 12 a.m.)!
Dave:...that grammy's with the girl who sang the god song years ago- what if god...
Me: OH,...GOD... I thought you said cowboy..
I thought you said the song was about a cowboy.
What if cowboys are like us?
I could be a cowboy
No you can't
Yes I can
You'd have to get up early
Fuck that! I'll be a midnight cowboy. Wait. That was a movie.
Midnight Cowboy. That was a movie with John Voight.
What's it about?
Dudes fuckin' other dudes.
SHUT YOUR STUPID PIE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Followed by us laughing our asses off at how funny that was.

That's a typical conversation between Dave and I- and it being V-day right now, doesn't change a thing.
I URGE you not to put so much pressure on V-day. It's just another day.
And if you show your love everyday then fucking up V-day would't matter, right??

The way I'm celebrating my V-day today- same as every Monday- Levi has therapy and then I take him to school. I still have to do chores. No exceptions.
But at Lee's school, I get to celebrate with "my mamas"( my group of mom friends at Lee's school).
I now look forward to weekdays!
I never in my entire life thought that would happen!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Don't be sad about V-day, it's just another day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

FUCK the weekend!!

As I said earlier- in a previous blog post-
My new doc let me know- that my thyroid is fucked up.
This isn't anything new obviously!
She told me to cut OUT one thyroid pill and UP the other.
I knew this was a very very bad idea.
So instead of cutting the first one out- I cut it in half, and upped the other like she said.
I spent most of the day in some of the worst pain in my entire fucking life!
My bones, muscles, my body was swelling really badly.
I was gonna call 911 at this point!
I felt like I was in a K-Hole!!!
Hey if you're old enough, and did drugs like I used to- remember K-HOLE????
It sucked- but that's besides the point.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I have been so fucking bitchy and angry for weeks now.
DAve and I both realize- we are WAY nicer to strangers than we are to each other.
But I was gonna explode!!!
Yesterday morning I had a fight with Dave at 4 A.M!
When we went back to bed- I told him, "I just might end up choking you in your sleep."
He responded half joking, "Well that's why I don't stay in bed all night long. Because I'm afraid I'll never wake up!!!"
I started hysterically laughing- but I knew he was kinda right. I was about to fucking SNAP!!!
During yesterday a lightbulb went off- I called my doc asking to go back on my anti-psychotic (Geodon),
I had been off it for about two months- because we were worried that it was affecting my heart.
At this point- I didn't care.
The night before - all I dreamt about was slapping people!!!
But I've also mentioned in my blogs that anger is my first clue- irriational anger is my first clue- something is going to happen- to my heart and my body.
The end of yesterday I spent wanting to die, the pain was so bad.
I couldn't move!
I gladly took my geodon last night- hoping to pass out!
Praying for a near black out- to go to sleep and not wake up till morning.
And I DID!!
I do, I really do love love love my drugs.

I woke up way less swollen- at least five pounds less!!! And decided obviously this doctor has no clue what's wrong with my thyroid, so I'm not gonna cut down, or cut out my thyroid pill- till I see an endocrinologist.
I KNOW for a fact something is REALLY REALLY WRONG with my thyroid- and I'm not gonna mess with it till I see someone with some knowledge of such things.
Like I said previously- my doctor had said she's never in her entire life seen blood results like mine.
Meaning- one- I'm TRULY UNIQUE!!! hahaha!
and two- She's never treated someone with my problem!

Today I went back to my normal first pill, and still upped the second.
It was like a brand new fucking day!!!
The birds were singing and I was happy.
I was still uncomfortable- remnants from yesterday.
Plus I have bone pain all the time now.
Did I mention I've had the sniffles all day long too?
I was nice to everyone, not angry.
I felt somewhat at peace.
I cleaned the house, cooked brisket, stewed vegetables and risotto.
YEAH baby!!! I'm back!
In an 84 year old body- but still I'm kinda happy today- and that's way better than before.
I took a quick walk with Dave to the bakery- a block in, stabbing pain starts in my ankle and then my leg. I ended up limping the rest of the way there and back like the fucking humpback of notre dame (Dave: it's really HUNCHback, but,... uh..., yeah)!
But I was determined to not let the pain get in my way.
DAMNIT I wanted cookies! And I wanted them NOW DAMNIT!

And I got my damn cookies! Na na na boo boo!

I'm typing this blog with my foot up on my couch because it feels broken even though I KNOW it's not.

I love GEODON. It makes me- NOT a serial killer.
A little angel- with a raging angry little devil inside just waiting for the fucking moment to get out and motherfucking party, bitches!!!

On that note I leave you.
Rock out with your cock out!!! Woooooohooooooo

*P.S. I'm gonna be going blonde- SO blonde, people will have to wear sunglasses to look at me directly.
And maybe then...dreadlocks??? My options are open.

*P.P.S.- I came into the livingroom yesterday- after just waking up, and Lee's therapist was there working with them. She saw my hair (and how big an afro it was).
She looked SHOCKED! And said "I've never seen it that big!"
At first I really wanted to say all these dirty jokes that jammed into my head, like a bunch of fat people stuck in the doorway of a cake shop (I LOVE fatties!! Don't HATE!).
Such as-" You mean my dick?!" (you get the idea)

But my real anser "Yeah actually this is it small, it can get three times bigger.
I TOLD YOU MY AFRO WAS BIG!!! COME ON, MOM!! Tell me who my REAL father IS!!

Friday, February 11, 2011

A day in the ER

No, not for me. For my little girl.

Just to catch you up-
Violet went- before her current school- to another preschool for only 4 days (AMAC) before she came home with scratches and bruises up and down her arms ( restrain marks from an adult).
I called the school, the bus company, board of ed, filed a police report, it was a nightmare!
They couldn't tell me what happened- or who did it!
I checked her everywhere- luckily there weren't any other marks.
But she didn't want to be touched for three weeks and screamed and rampaged though the house.
No one- not the school, nor the bus company would tell me what happened- they blamed each other. It's very very unlikely it was the bus- because she was only on the bus for 20 minutes most of which she was sleeping.
I KNEW it was the school.
They made it impossible for me to talk to the teacher- the teacher was ignoring me!
It was a mess.
My daughter never returned to that school- no matter how much THEY BEGGED!
At first I was calling lawyers and advocates, but I didn't want to go to court, or sue- I just wanted ANSWERS!!! Not money.
Yes, I know I'm poor. But this isn't the way to make money- at least that's what I believe.
After all the investigations- one investigator told me "You may never know what happened".
That devastated me.
But he was right.

At that point, I had spoken to my CPSE official and finally got approved the para I wanted Vivi to have ALL ALONG!!!
Plus he found a great school, and was able to get her enrolled, even in October!
When I toured this school- I KNEW this was the one.
It was perfect!
It is still perfect!

Today I got a call from the nurse.
I've never ever had a good relationship with a school nurse before.
In Vivi's old school I got into a screaming match with the bitch of a nurse and at the end of our fight I ended up saying  "You're STUPID!!!" ( I was so frustrated at her stupidity I became a child!)
And her response was priceless- and completely validated what I had just said.
And that's the very last thing we ever said to each other. like I said- I got a call from ( Violet's present) school nurse
I was totally calm- I knew whatever she was to tell me- it would be Violet's doing, not someone else. I trust her para more than anything (She's honorary family!!!), and all the teachers and therapists there are the most caring and loving people I've ever dealt with in a school before, or almost anywhere, for that matter.

She told me that my daughter hurt her arm, while hugging her boyfriend (so super cute!!! This boy is such a sweety!!!) she tripped and fell on a mat (padded in the "snooze room"- a beautiful sensory room with lights and sounds and everything imaginable!). She started screaming in pain- holding her arm.

I was calm- I knew they were speaking the truth- after all, my daughter is a dare devil!
We call her the "Terminator!!!" She rarely ever feels pain. She's a robot assassin!
After all I've been through with the old school, it's such a relief to completely trust people that take care of my baby girl.

I had my mom pick her up from school, she works nearby, put her in a cab and brought her home very quickly.
When she got home- Dave and I immediately took her to the emergency room- the closest one to us- Beth Israel. Apparently they don't have a pediatrics department!
Surprise surprise!!!
Well, Violet started crying the minute we got there and didn't stop for about 2 hours.
She got x-rays done of both arms- so that they could compare- since her bones are so tiny.
Besides being a little girl, she takes after me, in that our bone structure is very very small- I know it's hard to believe- but it's true.
They couldn't see any obvious signs of a fracture and referred us to a specialist- a pediatric orthopedist.
The doctor was very nice and kind- Violet trusted her- and that says a LOT! My daughter can "read" a person QUICK! Whether they are good people or not.
And this doctor was.
She was the only child in the Entire hospital, and on top of that SHE'S AUTISTIC!
They had no idea what to do- except for the doctor treating her, she was an angel!
She even said if Vivi still won't use her left arm by Sunday that I should bring her back- FOR HER (the doctor that treated her) to see because she wants to make sure she's okay.
This was the first trip in awhile that it was just Vivi, her daddy and me and definitely the very first time without a stroller!
So even though the circumstances sucked, I was savoring every minute with Violet.
After the hospital discharged us- we went to the mall nearby our house.
We were all starving!!
On the way to McDonald's- I saw bootleg pillow pets- and was determined to buy her a new one.She seems to be collecting them- and sleeps with every single one of them- she uses them as her pillows, her mattress, and her blanket!!! So cushy!
We got her a wolf pillow pet(like I said- bootleg!) and named it "Wolfie" (after the character from the Disney t.v. show Special Agent Oso). She seemed to then LOVE, snuggle and kiss "Wolfie" over and over again.
I love that my daughter connects with stuffed animals so much- not every single stuffed animal- but a select few- I think she sees into their SOULS!!!
I love my baby girl!
She carried Wolfie with her right hand as daddy held her arm gently while she walked between us to McDonald's.
She sat in their highchair snuggling and giggling with Wolfie while she ate her chicken nuggets.
To me, this was one of the best moments- of course not the part about her being hurt- but the time we were given to just focus on my girl.
I decided from that point on, Violet will get alone time with us, as will Levi.
I'm also going to buy finger paints and such for the times in the day, on the weekends when Levi is napping and she's wide awake.

While we walked toward the exit of the mall- all these people were telling me how beautiful Violet was.
This was truly extraordinary!!
No matter how beautiful I think she is, people in the streets, while we lived in Manhattan, never ever complimented Violet. Ever! Levi- it happened all the time. But something about Violet bugged people- because she would be flapping her hands- or yelling bizarre sounds- and it would unnerve the fuckers!
Meanwhile it was normal- even sweet to me.
That's my baby. She'll never be normal- but I'm glad about that and wouldn't have her any other way!!!

*P.S. I got my blood tests results- the doctor said she'd never in her entire LIFE seen thyroid test results like this (my TH and T3 are way below, way way below what they should be, and my T4 is through the fucking roof)!
See! She didn't believe me when I told her- but now- she's a true believer!!! For sure!!!
Now she believes me when I tell her, like I did today that I'm super swollen and uncomfortable.

Kisses Bitches!!!!
Where's the morphine when ya need it, ya know?!

Piss n' shit!

I LOVE that phrase!
Thought I'd share a "Mom story" with you:
Last night- my daughter had a tummy ache- she ate too much cream cheese (she's addicted). She'd been pushing me away all day.
She's only affectionate- when SHE wants to be. She's the boss!
She wanted me to pick her up out of the crib. I was so excited!
When I held her she put her head on my shoulder. I was so touched and then...she pissed all over me.
So much- I was catching it with my hand- whatever wasn't stuck to my clothes.
Oh Joy!
Don't worry though, after some tummy medicine- she felt oodles better and even went to school today!

That's my daughter!

Besides that happening last night, I got a phone call around 8 p.m.
It was about the event recorder I'm supposed to wear for three weeks.
They told me my insurance (shitty form of medicaid) won't pay for it!
I was shocked!
I asked why? They said that medicaid finds event recorders to be "EXPERIMENTAL!!"
Are you shitting me?!!!
And if I wanted I could pay $1000. Did I mention that would be only for 14 days! Not three weeks!!!
I said "I'm on MEDICAID! If I had $1000 handy, I don't think I would be! You might as well ask for one million at this point- cuz you ain't gettin' it!"
Yeah- I kind of turn ghetto when I'm pissed- with the head rolling, finger pointing- you know the deal. I grew up with Trannies- of course I got a diva in me screaming to come out! (Being raised by trannies- is a whole other story in itself!)
This upset me a lot.
PLUS- the day before I was talking to my family counselor,  and I mentioned that, ever since my heart problems have been getting really bad (about 3 months ago), I can't remember people's name or how to spell.
Every single thing I type (nearly) I have edited now, by either Dave or my sister.
This really upsets me because I used to have a photographic memory- that's how I got through school.
Back in the day- I would go to networking parties all the time and met people, only for a second or two- and if I saw that person a year or two later- I would remember their name, because if I didn't it would make me look bad.
I love love love my new friends- my mama group at Lee's school, but I feel it took me WAY too long to remember their names- even though I see them every day and love them all so much.
This really frustrates me- because this ISN'T ME!
The counselor asked me if I've mentioned this to my doctor- I told her no, I never talk to them long enough to mention EVERYTHING.
She then asked if I've ever heard of T.I.A. :
Some people call a transient ischemic attack (TIA) a mini-stroke, because the symptoms are like those of a stroke but do not last long. A TIA happens when blood flow to part of the brain is blocked or reduced, often by a blood clot. After a short time, blood flows again and the symptoms go away. With a stroke, the blood flow stays blocked, and the brain has permanent damage.

A TIA is a warning: It means you are likely to have a stroke in the future. Early treatment can help prevent a stroke.
This terrified me- I answered "Yes. I know what a T.I.A. is- my grandmother suffers from them. She suffers from Dementia now. But she had them when she was near 70 years old!"

She asked if I mentioned THIS to my doctor. I replied "No." Yet again.
Sometimes I don't realize how important some information is to share.

Oy Vey.

By the way- I scheduled an appointment for myself with a cardiac specialist at NYC for the beginning of March.

I'm a bit nervous- but I know it's necessary.
I feel all these doctors are "dropping the ball" so to speak.
It's infuriates me!

I had a nightmare last night- mostly due to taking Tylenol Pm (it always gives me strange dreams). I only take it maybe a few times a month.
Needless to say I'm not gonna take it anymore.

I dreamt that I found out I had a rare disorder that effects the brain ( I totally forgot the exact words the doctor used) and I found out I was going to die- and soon.
Dave then started cheating on me- with everyone (people I didn't know). I was so hurt and angry!
Just so you know- this is completely NOT like him. He's never been unfaithful to me EVER in all of our 13 years together ( even when we were broken up!)
He's always made it clear- I'm all he's ever wanted or will ever want.
He doesn't leave the house without me ever!
And he's never ever alone at home.
He's very trust worthy.
I'm the one that fucked up many times in the past.

I was so angry in the dream, I tried cheating on him- to get him back, but I physically couldn't.
I fought with him saying "I'm gonna die, and this is what you choose to do!"
He responded with "I only slept with them because they were powerful and rich!"
Somehow trying to make me feel better. So strange!

Yeah- so much drama! TOO MUCH for my taste.

When  I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night, I was pissed at him. But I knew it was a dream- and it would be psychotic to punch him in the face, for a dream- right??!!
So I just went back to sleep angry.

This makes me laugh. It's INSANITY for sure!

I'll stop this blog post right here- with you thinking I'm insane.
Because I am insane- and I wouldn't have you thinking otherwise- EVER!

Kisses Bitches!

Now I must have my sister edit my blog.
I'm sure you've caught spelling/grammar errors before- blame that on my EDITORS!!! :) They're Lazy ;) Just kidding...or am I??

* insanity wolf meme. I LOOK UP to this wolf!

Monday, February 7, 2011

oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding! I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Last night...

I finally lost my virginity.
Nah- That's a fucking LIE!

I thought it was a great way to start this blog though.
It got your attention, and I'm SURE you're very confused right now.
Just the way I like you!!!CONFUSED.

Last night was the first night in about 4 MONTHS that I went out on the town- at night- in the city!
You all know- I have heart "issues", so Dave kept threatening me- that if I wasn't well enough we wouldn't go out, and end up staying home.
At this point I didn't care if my heart fell out of my body and onto the floor.
I was going out to see my friends perform.
I took aspirin earlier in the day- because in the morning my heart wasn't doing too well.
I was really getting to my breaking point with everyone and the constant upkeep of the house.
Cleaning up after seven people- 2 of which are really crazy kids- it's nearly impossible.
And really taking a toll on me.
I was putting clean clothes away, and straightening up our bedroom while Dave was sleeping.
I hadn't slept well in a few days, so getting agitated wasn't exactly difficult.
I was arguing with Dave, basically waking him up- when he fucking LOST it.
BTW the night before I got into a fight with both my sister and Dave because they weren't helping me enough with the house.
I told them, "You don't want me to have a heart attack- then FUCKING DO SOMETHING!"
Meaning cleaning the house, chores and such.
They understood, and felt badly that I was working so hard. That night they cleaned the living room. That made me so happy!
They promised that from that point forward they would do everything.
Back to the story-
Dave lost it, started SCREAMING at me, slammed the bedroom door shut so hard that the door lock shot off the fucking door knob!
He was telling me to sit down and shut up and to stop cleaning. That he would do it.
I just stared at him- at his rage attack- and I don't know why- this totally proves how fucking insane I am- because in the FUCKING FACE of death- by Dave's hands- instead of being scared- I started hysterically laughing.
Again, I have no clue why. But I found this whole situation so freaking funny!
I couldn't stop David screaming.
This of course made him more and more angry.
Obviously- he didn't kill me, or hurt me. I'm still here.
And he never ever wants me to die- that was the whole point of his rage attack.
But man- that look in his eye was that he was gonna fucking kill me and all I could do was laugh! Not forcing myself to laugh- that would be SO stupid! But really honestly laughing and I couldn't stop.
I really think something is wrong with me.
Dave always tells me, that I'm the one fucking crazy chick that would go face to face and provoke a massive angry guy ready to kick my ass.
I do have one set of fucking balls I know this- because every time I'm close to death- I just get in the person's face- because I'm scrappy. You never ever know what a scrappy crazy bitch is gonna do, that's for sure!
After my laugh attack. I was angry at Dave for the fight.
Not that I hadn't started it. But I have major issues with his temper obviously.
He then started folding clean laundry, I sat down next to him and he then told me, all teary eyed and trying not to cry (Dave is just like me in that we HATE showing vulnerability- especially crying!!!), that he had just had a nightmare that I was cleaning and yelling- and then died, right there on the floor of a heart attack.
Right then and there- I stopped being mad. I saw why he was so upset.
Because his nightmare was coming true, and he didn't want me to die.
I am Dave's best friend, besides being his wife.
I know, he would not be able to function, if I died- when I die.

We then got ready to go out, into the city, to see a few very close friends of mine perform.
Because of my health, and having two autistic kids- going out at night- ain't easy!
I had planned this a month ago, when I first found out about the concert/ CD release party.
My mom and sister watched my babies while Dave and I went out.
We ended up going out to dinner, a great Japanese food restaurant right next to Pomme Frites (on 7th street and 2nd ave.) I had the very best ramen I've ever had in my entire life.
Dave drank both his and my drink with dinner.
I wasn't planning on drinking for obvious reasons, but I did want a taste!
Afterwards we walked to the first of my friends performances, at Recoup Lounge.
Nea Phyte (! I suggest you all check her out!
I love her!!! We go way back! We worked together on photo shoots for a long time, sometimes me being the model, sometimes me being the hairstylist.
We always had a great time! She's a creative genius!
Dave was totally wasted after dinner, and it was only 7:30 p.m!!!
He was shouting while thinking he was whispering, scaring all the chicken heads in the area (A DEFINITE PLUS!!!), saying things like: exact words-"I'm smooth! I'm as smooth as a Butter Dick!"
I had no idea what he was talking about- or even to- at this point.
We got to the lounge (which I remembered back in my lesbian days- it was a lesbian club and they had a wicked 80s night every Friday- oh yea with a stripper pole attached to the bar!!). When I mentioned this to Dave, about the stripper pole attached to the bar. He replied with "Wow. That's technology!!!" See??? What the hell was he talking about??! Robot Strippers or something??
Back to the story.
I took some photos of her performing, she was brilliant!
Dave still was suffering from a cough- and decided to self-medicate. He took both adult cough medicine, adderal (an upper), with aspirin ( you know- so that HE doesn't DIE!) with a Corona. Good job, Dave. Good job!!!
I threatened him, I was gonna send him home. If he dropped, I couldn't pick him off the floor by myself. NO WAY!
He begged, that we continue our night out and that he was having a GREAT TIME!
Oy Vey!
Nea's friends gave us a lift to nearby Arlene's Grocery (where my other friends were playing- the band JSE!!!
Dave was leading me- the wrong fucking way- because I was stupid enough to follow a drunk.
Luckily I asked a chick- for directions.
We arrived at Arlene's Grocery- and that's when the night really became magical for me.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Nea's performance, but the place Recoup- was not cool enough, in my opinion, for my great friend, Nea, to perform, she needs a stadium and a great sound system to back her beautiful vocals up!
Dave had yet another drink...or two or three.
I had my first and LAST drink- and it sucked. REALLY?! How do you mess up a vodka and tonic??? It's so simple! That's why I ordered it!!!
Again, I'm getting off topic.
It was finally time for my friends, to perform on stage.
And they BLEW everyone AWAY!!!!
Dave was so shocked. He hadn't heard their music before.
Youtube videos and mp3s didn't do them justice!!! At all!!!
The whole time I'm thinking how much, I would love to manage this band. How both Nea and JSE should be famous! Are definitely talented and attractive enough to "make it" in the business. Plus they are good people!!!!
How many talented people- are GOOD PEOPLE??!!! AND FAMOUS?!
Not many at all!
I thought about my days, talking to music producers and hanging out at Sony music studios (Shout out to NADINE!!! I miss YOU!).
I thought about how amazing their music would sound on CD if it was recorded in a state of the art music studio.
But time ( being a busy- barely sane- mom) and health problems (physical and being bipolar obviously) keep me at bay.
I hope my friends make it big. They deserve it!!!
My girl, Natalia, sings in the band- and her stage presence is undeniable.
She's so confident and beautiful on stage.
Jay- lead guitarist- is a magician with the guitar! As well as having a great voice.
The drummer- is THE BEST drummer I've ever heard perform. Really incredible!
Two bass players, performed last night in the band- Nappy (the coolest name ever, right?! Real Name!)
And Joseph Haines- who dressed like he was from the movie Scarface! Also brilliant on Bass!
And guest singer Robert Bermudez Cordell. When him and Natalia sang together- it was simply magic.

That's enough of me praising people- remember I hate being nice ;)

So enough of this blog post already- it needs to end. I mean who likes to read anyways, huh?!
Play that funky music, White Boy!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
ROCK OUT with your cock out!!!

* photo I took of Dave and I outside last night, in the rainy shitty weather.
He as you could tell, was already wasted.
a quote from Dave last night "I feel like one of the fucking penguins from (the movie)Happy Feet!
When all other leave- WE REMAIN!!! When the sun vanishes from the sky- WE REMAIN."

Friday, February 4, 2011

Sucky fucking day yesterday!

No- no sucky- fucky.
That would have been great!
This was the exact opposite.

Yesterday I had a "team meeting" at Levi's school.
Where, apparently, none of them even knew my son.
And the whole 9 minute meeting (supposed to be an hour long), I was attacked the entire time- by idiots!
Basically, treating me like I do nothing all day long, and don't take care of my son.
Insane, right?!
They were snotty and rude to me.
You all know, I LIVE at the doctor's office- because both my kids and I are always ill.
They were asking me why Levi didn't have the "barium swallow" test. Because he chokes on liquids and certain solid foods.
I've explained to them a million- and two- times. I NEED a referral for that, and I haven't been able to FIND a doctor- that's not a complete idiot- while living in Brooklyn.
They think, I'm being "lazy".
I was restraining myself from jumping across the table and ripping all their fucking tongues out of their throats.
And some of the supervisors look twelve years old. SERIOUSLY?!
I'm thinking, are they just out of elementary school????!
I got some more bad news yesterday, a good friend of mine had a miscarriage.
I felt so horrible for her. She's going to make an awesome mom.
And I've been there- several times- in that same position.
And it sucks that some parents get pregnant and have kids- that don't even want children!
Meanwhile, you have these amazing women, who have so much love to give to a child, and can't have children.
I had the halter monitor removed yesterday morning by the nurse and had blood taken.
The sticky stuff from the halter monitor ( that was used to stick the monitor onto my skin) left my skin a mess, and in some cases left WITH my skin. Fun, fun times.
My service coordinator, showed for the meeting, and she is AWESOME!
She caught the tail end of the meeting, because it had started early- not to my liking- and ended over 50 minutes before it was supposed to.
But, she got to see how ridiculous this so-called team "meeting" was.
She comforted me in Dunkin Donuts (on the corner of Lee's school ), while I cried, out of frustration.
She offered me a donut!
She's so sweet and always goes way above and beyond the call of duty.
She ended up getting my family and I a half-dozen donuts to bring home to my family.
She's so sweet, I'm very lucky to have her on Levi's case.
I talked to my mom last night, on the sofa. And she knew I was trying so hard not to cry. She knows me- I hate being vulnerable.
She told me that I SHOULD cry and let it out, because she's here and she's my mom.
It's times like those that I REALLY appreciate my mom.
And get to see how special and awesome she really is.

Yesterday, the entire day- my heart was "acting up", even when I was relaxed and not thinking about anything.
Of course, this happens when the halter monitor ISN'T attached to me.
While it was attached- nothing happened of course!

I'm going to Levi's school today, with him, as per usual.
And will speak to the "higher up" at the school about what happened.

Kisses Bitches!!!
No SUCKY FUCKY!!! hahahaha!

*photo of me- old old old photo.
I feel like this- but way less modelly.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Miracle doctor

Me oh my!!!
After yesterday my faith in doctors was next to nil.
Today I went to a brand new doctor. I had also made an appointment for Dave at the same time, because he has a very bad sinus infection and was due for a check up anyway.
I LOVE her!!! She's brilliant, understanding, caring- you name it.
I knew the very second I stepped into the waiting room. I grabbed Dave's arm and whispered to him, "I'm going to love this doctor. I know this already."
I met two older women while filling out paper work. They were so nice and had nothing but good things to say about the doctor I was about to see.
The woman I was speaking to had THREE OPEN heart surgeries and we had SO much in common.
I told her, I hoped to see her again soon.
She replied- I most definitely will.
She was THAT nice.
All the nurses were so sweet and really professional.
I felt kind of at home there. And that's a good thing- because I basically LIVE in doctor's offices anyways.
The doctor gave Dave a full exam and an EKG, apparently besides being an internal medicine doctor- she specializes in cardiology!!!
My luck just looked up!!!
She also gave him an ultrasound of his heart- his very first one EVER!!! And he's turning 38 years old!!!
Man, we are SO different!! The first one I had was when I was 16 years old!!
His blood pressure was very high, as per usual.
The doctor told him she'll give him 3 months to lose weight, and change his diet and start exercising- otherwise he may need surgery because his weight could kill him.
I LOVE this doctor.
This isn't the first time a doctor has told him this- but I feel this was the first time he really listened.
She examined me and listened to EVERYTHING I had to say.
Really listened!!!
I cried in her office- because it touched me so much, after all I've been through with doctors my entire life, especially recently with the doctor that molested me.
I was in so much pain- everywhere. I could barely walk.
I had gained almost ten pounds in two weeks from SWELLING with water!
I was 125 lbs- two weeks ago, and now 135- and I have actually been eating healthier!
My legs are very swollen and very uncomfortable.
She gave me a breast exam- and told me right there, my breasts are very cystic and I will continue to have mammograms with her, every single year.
She is requesting all my information from "the bad doctor" I went to weeks ago.
She also suggested that I go to an endocrinologist, that she knows and recommends, for my thyroid. As well as an arthritis doctor, for the pain I'm in all the time- she suggests that I probably have Fibromyalgia!
After everything I've been through. Still most doctors believe the diagnosis is make-believe, this is of course because most doctors- don't READ, or believe that anyone could ever possibly REALLY be in that much pain all the fucking time.
Did I mention, I HATE most doctors?!!!
The nurse hooked me up- right then and there to a event monitor (also called Holter monitor) and have to stay connected to it for 24 hours.
I'm connected right now- as I type this.
I have to go back tomorrow morning- to get disconnected and get a fasting-lab. NO EATING- for 12 hours before the blood test. Dave will be getting a blood test as well.
She also suggests I may have an arrhythmia.
BTW- my blood pressure was 96/65.
I was sweating and feeling so sick while in her office.
I can't wait to feel better...hopefully SOON.

Let's hope she, or the other doctors I'll be seeing, find out what's wrong AND FAST!

I also have to go back the day before my 30th birthday for a stress test.
Yep- I'm turning 30 soon. I can't believe it!
Shouldn't I be turning 84 or something already???!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Thanks for all your prayers!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What a waste of time!

What a waste of time- not about reading my blog, of course. I mean, about going to the doctor today.
Yet again, another doctor, he sees me- being a woman, and young-
and thinks I'm crazy.
He then tells me I have a fainting disorder!
Can you believe this!!! I don't even FAINT!
This doctor was affiliated with Lenox Hill hospital in Manhattan!
Normally, I'd just give up at this point. But I'm not gonna!!!
I'm seeing yet another doctor, hopefully tomorrow, depending on how bad the weather gets.
A brand new Primary Care doctor..and it's a SHE!!! Wooohoooo!
Dave came with me today, and saw me plead my case- I told him everything that was happening, that my grandfather died very young from heart failure.
Nothing. nada- made any difference.
He didn't even comment on how low my blood pressure was ...100/70 (this is actually high for me).
I'm trying hard to find a female cardiologist as well as an endocrinologist (for my thyroid disease).
Fun times.
Plus the office was a shit hole!!! In a neighborhood that I knew nothing about.
The ONLY good thing that came out of this visit..was the bakery that was nearby. that's real love!
If you know me- you know I LOVE sugar. Especially when my thyroid is high, it makes me crave sugar- like CRACK!
And this bakery smelled like heaven. It also had my favorite cake of all time.
A cake I haven't had in years!
Mocha cake....yummmmmmmmm.
When it's made correctly- it is a slice of perfection.
I saw this cake- and it was cheap- only $10!!!
Did I die?? Was this heaven??
But why , in heaven, would I still have to pay???
I guess I wasn't dead yet.
When Dave and I got home, I didn't want any dinner- I just wanted some of that delicious goodness in mah belly!!! Right away.
Yummmmmm...totally worth it.

The saga continues.

Kisses Bitches.

BTW- my mom started crying, because she's upset that all the doctors I've seen, aren't helping me, at the exact time, I was eating a slice of perfection (mocha cake).
I said to her "Mom. Please don't cry. If you cry while I'm eating cake, I'll seem insensitive".
And she started laughing hysterically.
That's the way I deal with things- laughing about it. I finds it helps a lot.

P.S. When Dave knocked over boxes at a pharmacy, he looked at the staff and yelled: "You got GHOSTS!"