Monday, December 14, 2009

Memory loss...

Hardly anyone knows about this- but hopefully more will after this blog has been posted.
I suffered from seizures, multiple seizures over 4 years ago due to the wrong mixing of bipolar medication. Back when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, in 2003 I was put on several medications for over the course of two years- I was a guinea pig- many of which didn't work or had horrible side-effects.
One of those side effects were seizures.
I had seizures as a young child but hadn't had one since. Till about 2005.
One of which took places in an occult store!
The minute I walked into this well known occult store in the east village I got dizzy, then next thing I knew I was on the floor looking at David- who looked back at me terrified. I had no idea why at the time.
Later, Dave explained that I'd started seizing TWO SECONDS after walking in the Wiccan store, and he caught me as I fell to the floor. One of the girls that worked there had a long red dread locked mohawk and piercings (a really tough looking alterna) freaked (OMIGOD! IS SHE OK???)and helped me the best she could. She was actually a really really sweet girl. A couple came into the shop at the exact time I was seizing on the floor and asked the manager, "Oh, is this where the meeting is taking place?"
She was still grinding spices in a mortar and pestle, and whispered, "No, it's still next door."
Nuts, right? But funny nonetheless.
Later that day I had multiple seizures one right after the other while I was in the hospital.
What most people don't know is that I suffered severe memory loss.
I didn't remember a thing- except my family members. I didn't even remember my relationship with Dave, or who he was to me, anything like that. It took a really really long time to recover some of my memories. Dave and I kind of started our relationship from scratch, since I had no memories to go by. I'm still trying to piece things together to this very day. There are gaps in my life I still don't know anything about.
There are times when Dave or my sister will tell me some of the things I used to do when I was full blown manic- and I don't believe it. I mean- I believe they are telling me the truth- but I'm shocked.
After my seizures- my bipolar was different. I became a different person.
My bipolar was easier to manage for a few years after that. My therapist said it was kind of like electroshock therapy in a way.
I became more aware of myself. I wasn't manic like I used to be. Before the seizures, when I was manic - it was like I was taken over by a demon or something. I had no control of myself whatsoever- it was like I was being controlled by something "other".
Now, when I'm manic- my thoughts race, I'm excited, and yes, easily irritated but I don't feel invincible and I definitely don't make the horribly wrong decisions I used while being manic. Not to say I don't make bad decisions- I am still bipolar.
So if you see me in the street- and I don't pay you any mind, it's not because I'm trying to play it cool, or be a snob or anything- it's because you've been erased from my freakin' memory. But feel free to come up to me- and reintroduce yourself- that is if you're awesome and we had good times together- if not- well then BUZZ OFF:)
That being said-
I love you all!

Ciao bitches!
More to come:)

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