I went to court today...

I can't go into detail- even though I'm DYING to do so- because the case isn't over yet- and I don't know who's listening exactly. So I'm going to play it safe- and when it's all over- I'll dish about it all!

Let's just say it was really difficult to think positive this week- because certain negative things were happening. I felt like it was a test of my faith. And I believe I passed the test with flying colors. PHEW!

The case was adjourned today- yes I know- again- but this time because there weren't ANY trial judges!!! NONE! ZIP! NADA!!! I guess they were all on vacation.

Things have been happening left and right!

We have to take Food stamps to a fair hearing- yet again- because they aren't complying with the court order.

They gave us less than the usual months amount- and no retro! ARGH!

They are being so difficult!!!

My mom was a nervous wreck all week- but she's a very anxious person in general. So I had to calm her worries constantly- because Dave and I felt in our gut everything was going to be okay in the end.

After court today- I looked at my mom in the face- and told her "Has everything I've ever told you would happen- actually happen?"

She answered and nodded "Yes".

I then said "Then you have no stop listening to everyone else from now on. All the naysayers out there- and the negative people." Do you understand?"

She nodded again yes.

Everything I've ever told my mom would happen, did occur. From the time I was young till now.

I told my mom "I have always kept my promises- and I will never let you down."

I always want my mom to know I'm there for her, and we will be okay in the end.

I hate seeing my mom make herself sick with worry.

I just have to have faith- faith there is a reason for everything.

Today I believe was one of those days- the day I see where my faith will take me.

Like I said, I wish I could tell you EVERYTHING, that's been happening this week- and I definitely will- when this is ALL over.

Love you all!

Thanks for listening.

And as always, Kisses Bitches!!!

* photo I found on the net- Simon Cowell (original American Idol Judge) on vacation.

It's kind of like what I picture all the trial judges doing right about now.

GRRRR! SO Angry!!!

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up in a horribly bad fucking mood.

And no, it's not PMS.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days. Since I'm not taking Geodon anymore- I take benadryl every night- so I can get at least a little sleep AND I have bad allergies- so taking this at least once a day helps me feel better.

I've been out of benadryl for a few days now- so every little movement or sound wakes me up.

I'm tossing and turning all night long. I woke up this morning to a big "BAM" sound- it was Levi in his crib- never a good way to wake up by the way- to a really loud noise!- also my whole body was really itchy. It's totally an allergic reaction to the foods I've been eating. Usually if I take benadryl then I don't get such a reaction. And yes I could make it easier on myself and not eat any milk products- But then I'd eat nothing in the house. We're running a little low on food, and I'm waiting ever so patiently for food stamps to finally kick in.

Food stamps were given 10 days to comply with the court order from Albany. We call them today and they say they have 30 DAYS to comply-which is total and complete bullshit!

So we're going to call Albany today- and try to fix this horrible situation.

I really don't want to have to use all of August's SSI money towards food again, I want it to go towards bills and things the kids need, like diapers and such.

This is so very frustrating.

Yeah so this morning- I was not happy. Plus Dave was up all night, trying to fix the computer.

His email was hacked the other day and we got two viruses on the computer. Whenever something goes wrong with the computer- Dave fixes it- thank goodness- but not without being completely obsessed- for hours on end fixing the problem- in a BAD freakin' mood. He couldn't focus on anything else, but the computer. Plus we have the old game Tetris on our computer and he won't step away from the damn thing. I mean I love Tetris too, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

This food stamps thing- really has me in a knot. I can't wait for this problem to get fixed- so that I don't have to worry about my family starving.

On a good note- Levi face is getting better. I don't think I blogged about what was happening- I was very busy trying to get my baby better.

He got a bug bite over the weekend on his cheek, which very quickly got badly infected. I think he might have been rubbing it, or maybe he was severely allergic to the bite. We're not quite sure. So This whole week, we've been back and forth at the doctor's office, plus medicaid didn't want to cover one of his prescriptions for some unknown freaking reason. I also had to put hot compresses on his cheek several times a day. A couple of days ago, I spent the night crying because I was so worried about my baby- his whole cheek was so swollen- and I felt helpless.

Little did I know I actually was helping, and now his cheek is getting much much better- it's still going to take awhile for it to completely go away- but this is progress.

I've been extra emotional this week. Not in the "poor me" kind of way- but every time I was thanking someone- I'd start to get all teary eyed. It was a little on the sick side- since I HATE crying.

Plus I went into Walgreen's the other day- and maybe all of a sudden I have static electricity powers or something ( remember the t.v. show "Static Shock!") and I was shocking everything I touched!!! Including my sister several times! It was crazy- but very funny at the same time.

All I want to do is eat fried chicken, pizza and chocolate right now- but I have none and that makes me very very sad. I really do love fried chicken- is there anything that's not good deep fried??!

The answer is NO! DUH!

I can't believe you were even trying to come up with an answer! Shame on you!!!!!

Anyways- that's my rant for today.

Kisses Bitches!!!

A chance-part two

I can't do it. I'm a chicken.
I can't purposely gain weight. I think that would make my ED (eating Disorder) come back full blast.
I am however trying to eat more often. I've been feeling faint lately and excessively tired all the time.
I even had a regular coca cola!!! I know! Insanity! For shame! ha ha.
I know this is silly, but I've drank diet soda since my grandmother forced it on me at age 12, like she did so many things.
I'm still undecided about the contest. There has been some confusion over at what size "plus" technically starts at. For each company it's different, either size 10 or 12 usually. This company happens to start at size 12.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. And of course my kids spent most of the day screaming at the top of their lungs.
I woke up around 7 A.M. to Gluten free pancakes made by Dave. Which was very sweet. He was wide awake, another oddity. I asked him, if this wakefulness would last he replied "Yeah! Totally!"
Which was a complete lie. And the rest of the day I spent trying to keep him awake.
We tried to go to the mother's day street fair around our neighborhood, but the 40 mph winds were a bit too much for me- I felt like I was going to be blown away. So we got about two blocks from the house, then turned back.
I was really not in a good mood at all yesterday. I found out my thyroid is now overactive, unlike two months ago when it was way under active.
This makes me really irritable, tired, nervous, the whole works.
I can't really do anything about it because this happens to me through out the year not matter what I do. So I kind of have to just ride it out.
I apologized several times yesterday for being bitchy. I felt bad because my family didn't deserve it at all.
Levi and I have been sick for the past two and a half weeks with an upper respiratory infection, that doesn't look like it's going away. Of course this is because of the mold in my apartment that hasn't been fixed.
So he's been screaming for days in pain. I feel horrible for my baby boy.
Plus he's been puking up everything he eats, and he's been eating less and less.
I have many things to worry about right now, food stamps, medicaid, my babies, the apartment,court, the modeling contest, the list goes on and on.

I'm very stressed at the moment. Trying to be positive even though things aren't looking too good at all.


Thanks for everyone's support.
Love and kisses Bitches!!!
Work that shit!

* this is a new photo of my son working it;)

DARN IT!

Tough times.
Money is dwindling. Our fridge and freezer is near empty.
Food stamps closed our case, because they do this to us, and everyone else, illegally for no fucking reason other than, they know most of us won't fight it because we don't know how.
They say always they sent a form for all of us to fill out- but they never did. And they know this.
It always happens to everyone around the same times of the year. It sucks!
Food Stamps SUCK! They know what they're doing is wrong. And it almost never happens to the people that don't need it, the one's that have money, but say they don't.
Which is definitely NOT the case of my family.
We're way behind on the rent, we have hardly any money for food. I'm trying to make sure I have money for diapers. We are overdrawn on our bank accounts. This SUCKS royally.
Thank GOD, I have family that orders us meat for our freezer once a month, it helps immensely, without that we'd be fucked, big time.
We ordered some food, making our accounts overdrawn because we had no choice.
I'm going to court on Thursday, hoping to get a big buyout from the landlord, instead of going back and forth to court all the time, and make all our problems disappear!
I don't know where we would move to, I'm looking at Brooklyn and even- gulp...New Jersey.
I have issues with Jersey, because there are many cancer clusters and their autism rates are sky high. But the living costs are really low, especially compared to the city.
I wish we could move someplace warm, like Florida, near Dave's family. But there are little to no jobs there. But that still is an option.
I have to find a place soon, hoping that the landlord gives us a decent buyout. We have enough of a case ( actually MORE than enough) against him, but he's not a good man, actually the opposite of a good man.
Things in the city are so expensive. I can't wait to move somewhere, that we could actually afford. I love my friends here, but I really don't have a choice to move far or not. If I won the lotto tomorrow, I'd be the happiest person alive. I would donate to numerous charities, and set up more shelters, better shelters for the homeless in the city. There are so many things I'd like to do, but need the money to do so.
My kids deserve better than this. I know I have family members that feel I should have never had children, because I couldn't afford to support them. But I learned this from my mom, if I waited till I could afford to have children, I wouldn't never had them. And I would never ever wish for Violet and Levi to not exist. Yeah we have a lot of money woes, but my kids are my life, without them, I'd probably not be here myself. So to those who feel I should of never had kids- I say, Fuck 'em.
A world without my children, is not a world I want to live in.
Besides, I've never played by the rules anyways.
I've always been a black sheep, so what makes now any different, huh?
Nothing, that's what.
I know there will be a time, in the (hopefully) near future, where money won't be the cause of my problems...I'm just awaited that time.
I hope it's closer than I realize, like how about, a week away?????
Please GOD! PLEASE!

I pray for a miracle, a huge miracle!!!

I wish for all of you, an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.

God Bless.

Minor Freak out- okay... big time freak out...

Today I had a freak out.
Pressure's been building- stacking. I try to keep everything under control- but things seem to be spinning- spiraling really.
Everyday something else happens.
Today SSI threatens to take away my money- FOR NO REASON whatsoever.
I made the appt. myself because I needed to speak to them- they turned it around on me- saying this meeting is to "reassess" my case and they could take my SSI away.
ALREADY?! I just started receiving it. ARGH! They know it's a mistake but they're not backing down. I was crying today- because everything just seems so difficult.
I don't have any health insurance right now-
I went to court for food stamps-
Now SSI. I've been there three times last month alone!
So I panicked big time. Screamed at the top of my lungs, crying and started attacking my room.
The pressure can only build for so long.
Now that I look back- it was kind of funny. The whole screaming fit.
I haven't done that in a very long time. Since before I had kids.
Dave knew my temper all too well. I used to lose it all the time- and start hitting things- not him - but start kicking and punching shit in the house- and maybe even storm off and go God knows where. Dave and I had really bad tempers. We bumped heads many many times.
Well having kids have MADE ME control my temper. That's why I'm not too proud of myself today.
But it was kind of necessary- for me- to come back down and get control of the situation- even though it seems totally out of my control.
I feel like I'm fighting all the time. Fighting this fucked up government.
SSI- hung up on me today- twice! Because they knew they had fucked up and didn't want to deal with it.
I always get these horrible horrible people at SSI and food stamps.
I'm trying to think positive everyday- but I was feeling too beat and just gave up.
But I've regained my strength and know I will not give up fighting.
Fighting to get out of this situation.
To make my family's life better and less stressed. Something to look forward to waking up to.
You watch- I'm gonna make things 100 times better- real soon.

More to come...

Pray for me and I'll pray for you...

That's not a threat - I'll pray for you regardless.
It seems that the beloved government has fucked us over yet again.
For those of you who know me know that my family and I are barely making it- actually we'rere not making it at all.
We're always minutes away from eviction, our electricity, cable, phone being shut off.
Wait, most of it already has been shut off.
My family and I receive public assistance- food stamps, medicaid. And no I'm not embarrassed to say this- because `most of my friends are in a similar situation.
We're all in debt and not able to pay our bills. It's even more scary when you have two children and one with special needs that NEEDS a special diet.
Food stamps, and medicaid- have fucked over many people that I know of this month!
MANY people I know got a letter stating their food stamps- and or medicaid- has ended because they didn't fill out a form that was sent to them.
THIS IS A LIE! In ALL cases!
This is illegal.
But imagine what the state is saving by not paying several hundreds- maybe thousands of people- even if it's for only a month!!!
It's an all out SCAM!
Please let me know if this has happened to you as well.
This cannot be tolerated. People IN desperate need of this assistance are in trouble!! Including me- but at least I'm fighting it!
What about the sick, elderly and the mentally challenged that don't know how to fight it!
They are fucked!!!!
This is NOT right. I feel horrible for the people out there going through this.
Please don't be ashamed to come forward that this is happening to you- we must fight this.
I will pray for you- that your family and friends are okay.
I pray for my friends every night-
and hopefully good things, great things will actually start happening for the people that actually deserve it.
Just maybe.