I put a curse on both your houses!

Today was hell!
I've been crying non stop for two days now like a little bitch!
Last week I found out Vivi and Lee have asthma and might both be diabetic. I also found out that a nodule on my daughters neck was growing and becoming firm. So the doctor referred us to a pediatric oncologist (cancer doctor). That's where I went today, no thanks to the ambulette that was supposed to take us to her appointment, but instead kicked us out. Dave wanted to kill the driver. Instead I went all...what did Dave call it again? Oh yea. All "old testament" on him and the company's houses. In short, I told them to pray for their souls, and that if anything happens to my daughter, their names are the first I'll mention to god at the gate to punish. I had them shitting themselves. Yeah I went all Gypsy fucking queen on their ass. Fucking put a curse on all their houses. I'm nice to a point, you have to remember, I am bipolar and nothing is as sweet as revenge.
The oncologist recommended she go for an ultrasound next week, and after we'll decide what step to take next.
We also have to go see an immunologist and genetic specialist. The doctors felt that something is very wrong, My kids and I should not being this sick all the time and they ACTUALLY want to get to the bottom of it!
Hallelujah!!!!!
Finally!!!!
It only took, what? TWO FUCKING YEARS! And my whole fucking lifetime!
Let's hope they find out what's really wrong, and how we can treat it and finally get better! Healthier!
If only a doctor had spent more than five minutes with us!
These doctors were great, the nurses were too. It was so kid friendly there. I saw babies getting treated for cancer, while watching their favorite shows. There was also a clown, who gave Violet stickers. Violet also punched Dora the explorer in the face, but that's part isn't a big deal;)
Dora is okay, she's plastic!
We did hurt her feelings though.

So let's play catch up shall we-
Lee and Vi- sick sick sick
My dad- prostate cancer
Me- sick sick sick
Dave- sick and won't go to the doctor.
Kayla- still lightheaded
My mom- depressed

Ain't life GRAND?!

Kisses Bitches!
Don't be a fucker and make me put a curse on your house too;)

New Doctor...new start?

I've been having a really shitty couple of days.
The night, before last, I was up all night with chest pain- intense chest pains- pain that went into my back I couldn't move, couldn't think, because I was in SO much pain.
And yet, still didn't let Dave call 911.

I really thought I might just fucking die that night.
And still I would rather be in my own fucking bed than in a hospital.
Call me psycho- I don't care- I've been called WAY worse.
Luckily I'm still FUCKING HERE, Bitches!

If you know me, you know that I don't fear pain. EVER.
I don't feel pain like normal people.
I've had my insides OPEN for months! After my C-section with Violet. I had gauze stuffed into me every single day for three months.
Now that's fucking pain.
It was like being stabbed, every fucking damn day for months.
Fun times. Fun times.
Then again, this is coming from me, the same person who, when I was younger- would run into doorknobs with my FACE, just for the fuck of it. I didn't feel pain.
I see how strange this is now, that I'm older- not much wiser though.
I always felt- "alien" to say the least.
I have an appointment with brand new doctors- plural- today.
I'm just hoping they don't stick me in the hospital-especially since there's supposed to be a big snow storm tonight- weekends, bad weather are both the WORST time to be stuck in a hospital.

Another worry- that they don't listen to me.
They see how young I am and think I have to be making this shit up.
Even though it's documented.
This one REALLY pisses me off.
Especially once they hear I'm bipolar.
Then they just think I'm crazy!

I don't fear surgery, even though I DO fear hospitals.
I'm not scared of getting cut up, sliced, whatever you call it.
It's the fact that in the hospital- you can get sick with something else and way more severe. Like a horrible blood infection that tries to kill you not once, but twice.
Yeah...fun times...fun times.
I hope you realize I'm sarcastic...very very sarcastic. It's the center of my very being.
I just found out that people who have had open heart surgery- are called part of "The Zipper Club" because they have the most amazing, coolest scar ever, going down their chest.
I do have a "thing" for scars, if you could call it that.
I love scars. I do.

Now I'm waiting til I go to my appointment.
If they listen to me- that's a good sign.
If they dismiss me right way...very very bad sign. Very bad.
Who knows? Maybe they'll actually find out what's wrong...and FIX IT!
Be it through surgery and/or medication, I don't care- I just want to feel myself again- not tired all the time, not out of breath, not in pain.
I don't fear medication- meds are my friends :)
I guess I have high hopes.
Plus this whole experience is making me feel very depressed.
Totally- NOT FUCKING COOL!

Very quick-
I had a very strange dream- thanks to benadryl- that I was weighing myself and I weighed 250 lbs! I freaked...and then realize I had weighed myself with all this luggage. And when I weighed myself again without the luggage I weighed...87 lbs!
I'm guessing this dream means I have a lot of extra baggage-
And I'm not talking about my big ass!
hummm...like I needed a dream to fucking tell me that?!
Hahahahaha!!!!


Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Sorry this blog is all over the place- but that's what my mind is like- CHAOS! COMPLETE CHAOS!

What's been happening??!

I've been so busy- with doctor appointments, phone calls, packing and my kids' therapies-
I don't know what day it is anymore! I haven't been sleeping well for what seems like forever now!
Last week Dave went to the doctor- and was told he's at high risk for a stroke- because of his high weight and blood pressure.
This makes me very nervous- and this morning he tells me that he's feeling dizzy and lightheaded and feeling a lot of pressure in his head every time he moves!
This scares the shit out of me!
He's going to the doctor again today- around 4 p.m.
I was supposed to go to the breast surgeon this morning- but then found out because he left the medical group I was a part of, a week ago and where I had all my testing done, he now has no access to my test results or medical records.
So there's NO POINT to see him today. Oh joy!
Looks like I have to find ALL new doctors for both my husband and I and our children.
This is such a pain in the butt!
But maybe this will lead to better care? Who knows? Maybe I find the doctor to ALL doctors- you know what I mean?
Since my kids and I, and now Dave are at the doctor every single week!
I'm worried about my husband's health, I'm nervous (and excited) about moving, how the kids are going to react to our new home- all these worries are why I'm not sleeping well at night.
Levi is finally going to have his psychological evaluation next Tuesday at home!
Woohoo! I've only been waiting for this for several months now!
Everyday he's banging his head and having meltdowns all day long-
I can't wait to finally have a diagnosis already- so that my son can get ALL the therapy he needs to get better.
It has helped my daughter so much- and continues to help her to this very day.
I'm not sure if Levi has the exact same type of autism my daughter has, but I'll find out soon.
And knowing this brings me some much needed peace of mind.
My family and I have also been furniture shopping- this is NOT as much fun as it sounds!
It's exhausting. If we were rich- I'm POSITIVE this would be a lot more fun!!!
We also went mattress shopping.
Dave had a lot of fun doing this. Every bed felt so foreign to me- and uncomfortable- so I let him pick out what he wanted. We had to get a new bed since he broke our current bed. We needed something DURABLE and comfortable.
We took our kids to Macy's holiday department- and they were so excited!!! They LOVE Santa and Christmas movies!
So this was so amazing to them. Levi couldn't believe his eyes! And Violet reached for every ornament known to man!
It was so much fun!
This would be the first holiday season in DECADES- that we wouldn't be totally broke!
My kids have never experienced a really GREAT holiday season- where we get to go shopping and do all holiday related outings.
Christmas has been so hard for us in the past- we couldn't get the kids any presents or decorate- we had no money- not even to pay the bills.
Every holiday season was so depressing.
I've spent a few in mental hospitals int he past. So I've never really looked forward to the holidays- until now.
This is the FIRST holiday season I'm actually looking forward to.
Our luck seems to be getting better- and I cant wait to see all the good things that's going to happen.
I see our lives changing for the better- Finally!!!!

All this aside, I have been feeling my mood going up and down throughout the day- I'm very easily irritated, I'll be depressed one minute- very happy the next.
This new birth control pill I'm on- I don't know if it's helping me or not.
I feel like a hot air balloon! Just totally blown-up.
I don't know if I should stop this medication or just wait it out.
My mom told me- many years ago, she gained nearly 100 pounds on birth control pills! ( yes this was over 35 years old- but still!) This scared the shit out of me!
While I was pregnant with Violet I gained 120 pounds!! Yes, I started at weighing only 80 pounds- but STILL! That's a lot of weight.
I'm petrified!
Dave seems to be happy though- he LOVES when my ass and boobs grow. He was SO happy when I was nearly 200 pounds, pregnant with Violet. He's nuts!!!! But I appreciate his insanity very much.
But I am very thankful, I'm with a man that appreciates curves ( the bigger the better!) and never ever tells me to lose weight.
I've been having nightmares- that I want to be an actress (which I don't), and am going on auditions only to be told I'm FAT and ugly.
Fun right?!

AND my mom is also having a biopsy and sonogram done (this week and next) to make sure she doesn't have ovarian cancer.

Do you think this is enough to be worried about???!

That's what been happening so far-
Again, I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing as much. My book, has been put on a temporary hold right now. Until I move and get settled- then I'll continue writing. Actually then- I'll be more than happy to write!


Kisses Bitches!!!
PEACE!

*photo found on google- I thought this crazy holiday cat photo was appropriate.

Oh My GOODNESS!

Hey everyone!
Sorry it's been awhile- it's been quite hectic here.
I've been looking at new apartments, going to doctors, running around like a chicken without a head.
Today I saw doctors! Woohoo! In one day- Lucky me.
The first was a gyno- and he didn't have good news to tell me.
Apparently he thinks my endometriosis is back- and in a really bad stage- meaning not much can be done to fix it other than surgery.
But surgery has it's own many many risks- He thinks my insides are twisted due to lots of C-sections and prior surgeries. By him opening me up again, it would be very risky and complications could happen with bladder, uterus, basically all my insides. OH joy! He put me on new birth control medication- which usually makes me really ill. Oh and he gave me another Pap smear-  to make sure it's not cancer- after everything was done, I said to him "Fun times. Fun times." To which he laughed. Hopefully this will help the pain, otherwise my other options aren't any better- the last option being surgery.
Then after that FANTASTIC news- I went for my breast sonogram.
Oh yea- and when he was prescribing me the medication- he asked me if I get migraines- to which I replied- "Yes, yes I do. Why do you ask?"
He then said "do you see an aura before you get them. Can you "sense" it will happen before it actually happens?"
"Ummm, I get pain. It starts small- gets big fast".
He answered "Ok, because if you do and you're on this medication you could possibly have a brain hemorrhage."
I looked at him, like "Are you fucking kidding me?!!!"
He was dead serious.
Apparently I pissed off the wrong spirit, or god or something-
because everyone has been hitting me straight between the eyes!
Including the sonogram technician.
She was such a cunt!!!
Asking all kinds of inappropriate questions. She was so super nasty to me.
I didn't get an attitude at all with her, or anyone else that's been getting mad at me for only god knows what reasons.
Everyone asks me why I don't get angry back.
I just don't- I try to maintain my cool and be polite no matter how out of line they are.
As far as I know and feel- it's their karma they are ruining, not mine.
I don't know the results yet, but tomorrow I see the breast surgeon. Fun times.
A Broker called me about an apartment- and starting the conversation by yelling at me. She was so pissed at me- and I'd never ever talked to her before.
Again, I was nice and polite the entire way through.
I told Dave later that I feel I'm ignored by everyone all the time-unless they're angry. Then I get it right between the eyes.
I don't even know what I did to deserve it.
All I try to do all day- everyday, is help people.
I'm just trying to keep my cool- even with everything in chaos.
I'm under so much stress right now- emotionally and physically.
Just trying to get through the day- the week- the month.
I hope someone's watching up there- and something so magical is going to happen to my family and I- and sometime SOON would help.

That's the news thus far-
Kisses Bitches! Be nice to each other, would ya?

Please... you've got to help mee...

I took Violet to the doctor EARLY this morning. I was out of the house before 8 A.M.- ON A SATURDAY!

We don't know what's causing her to be sick- it could be a number of parasites- so they will be testing her for that. I also JUST got the list of things needed for Violet to be ALLOWED to start school- such as shots and things of the sort.

So today on top of everything she got her first TB shot. Oh my!

And Tuesday I have to go back to the doctor early in the morning to "read" her TB shot results- meaning she can't start school that day. Also on that day she might be receiving a few vaccines as well. And you all know how I feel about vaccines...

I feel so bad for my baby girl.

So today I took her shopping- for some much needed shoes and a book bag and lunch box.

Payless has an awesome sale right now and I had a twenty percent off coupon on top of that.

She LOVES shoes and bags- in this sense she is a girlie girl. But her favorite things are still the color blue and green and dinosaurs.

I have to see my doctor again soon. The medication he gave me for my thyroid isn't working- it's super low right now- I've been feeling my heartbeat going all over the place- I'm exhausted and my body hurts a lot.

I've been taking aspirin yet again. This always happens when my thyroid is really low and no one knows why.

I feel like I'm going to pass out- so I'll make this super quick.

On top of everything I had a very bizarre dream last night-

Eddie Murphy- YES- Eddie Murphy was in my dream. I have NO CLUE WHY.

And he told me I need to get myself checked out by a doctor. He signaled to my abdomen.

I said to him "Eddie Murphy, are you trying to tell me I have Cancer?"

To which he replied. "Yes."

Like I said bizarre.

So I really want to know my blood tests results now.

I'm not scared- I know no matter what- I'll live through it.

I just know this. I don't know how I know- I just do.

Dave just handed me two aspirin- and I'm gonna lay down now.

Thanks my beautiful bitches- for listening to my dumb ass.

Living

I feel like I'm living at the doctor's office nowadays. My kids are not well most of the time, as am I- so we know all the nurses and all the doctors at numerous offices now.

I'm on the phone with a doctor almost everyday- scheduling appointments and such.

Yesterday I took my daughter to the doctors, then came home and went to another doctor's appointment for myself.

I was running around yesterday all over town!

I'm still trying to schedule a sonogram for my daughter of her kidneys because the doctor feels she has a problem. I've faxed over AND emailed her referral for this damn sonogram multiple times- each time they say they never received it. Violet's doctor is on my back about scheduling this appointment because he's afraid of Violet having kidney failure. That's why she's on daily antibiotics- to keep her kidneys clean and healthy. Finally I just gave her doctor the fax number and phone number for him to do it himself. I thought maybe, just maybe he'd have better luck than me.

I like that I finally have a relationship with my kids' doctor. Before this doctor, we saw several doctors, all not remembering who the fuck we were most of the time.

This doctor has us on speed dial! And he actually listens to me and trusts me when I say something is wrong. Which most doctors tend not to believe.

Most days we have two doctors appointments to go to- for the exception of today- phew! Finally one day with no appointments other than my kids' therapies. Violet has been imitating more sounds lately, which is GREAT!

Last night Violet and Dave had a roaring contest! Obviously Dave won, but Violet came close!

It's so funny to hear Violet, my three year old daughter, roar! Both Levi and Violet have a new speech and physical therapist. I'm very excited about speech, because I'll be learning several new signs to do with both Lee and Vi. I've always wanted to learn sign language- especially since both my parents are hard of hearing- and we've all been making up our own sign language to communicate with each other for a long time now. It's pretty hilarious!

I started Violet with sign language when she was three months old, but it never took. She does a few signs now, but I'm hoping with this new therapist, Lee and Vi will learn how to communicate better. It's always a guessing game as to what they want- it'll be nice to have to guess less and know more. Besides all our financial and health woes- these are very exciting times. Violet has come a very long way- and is progressing very nicely. I can't wait to see Lee do the same.

Early Intervention has helped my family so very much- I will be forever grateful to them for all their help. Besides the therapists, our early intervention social worker is amazing. These wonderful people have become part of my family and they will always be welcome in my home.

Therapists are always stunned by me when we're in the playground with Violet. She can be a little aggressive with kids when she wants them to hurry up the stairs on down the slide- and the parents of the child my daughter just pushed always- I mean always- gives me a dirty, stank look. As if to say I can't control my child- to which I have now learned to matter of factly reply- "She's autistic, Okay?!". Instead of apologizing over and over again, because I know my daughter didn't mean any harm.

The look on the parents face is always priceless- because then they have no clue what to say to me- they don't know to say " I'm sorry to hear that" or "I understand" or "I have no idea what to say because I'm an asshole, and only see my child once a week and my child doesn't even call my mommy. So who am I to say anything to you about your parenting skills".

You know something like that. The therapists are always shocked because I say this without even blinking. I'm not embarrassed by any means of Violet being autistic, and I plan to raise her to never ever feel she should be ashamed of this. Actually I want her to be open and up front about it at all times. Fuck people's reactions. She's special, and a truly wonderfully sweet, kind , beautiful girl- that just so happens to be autistic. Which I feel makes her even more unique and even more lovable.

That's probably why I'm so upfront about myself being bipolar. It makes me...ME.

And totally unique in every way. Fuck people's thoughts, ideas or misconceptions- I learned a long long time ago, not to give a damn. And being more open about myself and made me more comfortable in my own skin. I want the same for my kids.

Anyways- that's my rant for the day.

Kisses to my special bitches!

*photo found on one of Dave's late night hunts for funny photos on the internet.

Violet's hospital stay

Dave and I stayed overnight in the hospital last night with our daughter Violet.
It was probably one of the longest day/night's ever.
Thank goodness Shannon was there with us when we got there. She keep Violet busy with games and toys.
Then it came time to "hook" Violet up. This was to test if Violet was having any seizures that were keeping her from sleeping.
26 wires were hooked up to Violet. During that time Shannon and I worked hard to keep her occupied. I brought a portable DVD player with me that I borrowed from my aunt, but the battery died 5 minutes into Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (her fave show of all time). So Shannon and I sang, counted, did everything we could think of. Dave was getting Violet something to drink, and couldn't be let into he room, because then it would disrupt the process.
Violet cried and cried. In the end her head was wrapped tightly, then all the wires were wrapped, which connected to a heavy small bag that she had to carry like a messenger bag, which then attached to a wall monitor. She was under video surveillance the entire stay.
After the crying she eventually calmed down, especially when she saw the playroom.
I thought- wow, it's not that bad. But then I found out the playroom closed at 6 P.M!!! Which is nowhere near the time she goes to sleep. And it didn't open until 10 A.M! Dave and I were jumping trying to entertain her for 14 hours in a very tiny room!!!! She slept better there than at home, she still woke up every 5 minutes but she did go back to sleep until about 5 A.M. We were exhausted, mentally and physically. I had not been feeling well for days now, and Dave was still sick with a sinus infection- so we were not up to par at all.
The rest of the day we spent chasing her because she wanted to run all over the pediatric neurology unit.
The doctor eventually came and told us, she's not having seizures, but they need to do more testing. Probably an MRI, eventually and she had her blood taken twice for genetic testing, to make sure her autism won't get worse.
I told the doctor my kids and I are always sick, we get sick every month. To which, FINALLY, a doctor said "That's not normal. We have to find out what's wrong."
Thank GOD! So both my children and I, hopefully soon will be having more tests done. And hopefully get some FUCKING answers.
Violet is a warrior, she is amazing. Everyone loved her there. Thank you to all the wonderful nurses that helped us during our stay. Thank you to Shannon and my awesome social worker, and honorary family member, Michelle, for coming, showing support and helping us through this difficult times. We loved you both so much.

*photo of my princess and her lovey, Gorilla.

Peace, love and baby bottles,
Till next time.

Many doctor appt. for Violet

I took Vi to the dermatologist today. And we finally now know why Violet has so many skin problems- she has eczema!!!
And all she needed was some meds for it and hopefully she'll stop ripping her skin off.
Thank goodness we finally have an answer.
Now it makes me wonder if my son and I have it to.
That means more doctors visits for everyone. This is exhausting- but it's good to get some answers. What a relief.
Anyways, sorry I haven't written in awhile- things have been nuts. I spent most of the weekend cooking and cleaning. Major cleaning. I'm quite proud actually.
But I still gotta clean the kitchen- isn't that always the hardest place to clean.
I'm dreading the work- but looking forward to the reward- a clean house!
That will last a day. At least with so many people running around the house.
Big families know the deal- nothing stays clean for long. Nothing!
Violet has a neurologist appt. on Wednesday- I'm really nervous.
The dermatologist didn't even touch her and she was screaming her head off the entire visit. Thank goodnes for her ABA therapist, that came with us. We love you Shannon!
He did say that she will need the large cyst on her neck removed. OUCH! At 2 and a half years old!
That will be a bad day- very bad.
We're going to the neurologist to see what is causing her to be constantly awake- and have a sleeping disorder.
She might be having seizures- which are very common with Autistic children.

Wish us luck.
Happy new Year to everyone!
Have a happy, healthy and wealthy new year!
God bless you.