10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic, irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again
Saturday, October 21, 2017
10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Monday, October 16, 2017
How I love thee.
Please get me through thy day
For my Levi didn't sleep a wink last night
And I barely hit the hay.
I need you more then ever today, Cup O' Joe.
How you are always there for me
I love thee,
Monday, September 18, 2017
" I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times from then".
Well known quote in the Bipolar community.
To me though it means so much much more.
Every day in every way the world around me is changing.
I woke up with a good idea of who I was today...very positive actually.
Events happened....and then others and others, obstacles as they do- usually I'd stress and worry.
Instead I was the steadiest in the room.
See my life has changed and how I react to my world has changed too.
The world, people and certain events had managed to change me...and then...I grew stronger, more still and peaceful.
I never know what tomorrow brings but I look forward to it.
I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times since then-
And I'm so very glad.🙏
Friday, September 8, 2017
Another butterfly hatched yesterday...so this happened.
I now have such a deep love for swallowtail butterflies, and have to be present for each hatching.
They always come back to say hello again and again.
It's a beautiful thing.
I feel such a deep connection with them.💙💙
I know this is probably my first pic of my side neck tattoo.
It was done in my kitchen when I was 16, Not by a professional.
Definitely a manic moment of mine.
It came out terrible and then I had an allergic reaction to the cream so all the colors bleed out.
It never looked right. It was SUPPOSED to be a fairy.
I have a long time obsession with fairies, especially Brian froud fairies (the dark crystal is on my arm, but not complete)
I've always known I would one day have it covered but never knew with what (plus in NYC tatts are super expensive- now that I've moved I have a lot more options!!😊 for mah poor ass)
Now I know I want swallowtail butterflies, realistic ones flying across my neck.
The butterflies have become a symbol of my rebirth my metamorphosis into the new phase of my life. My truer self hopefully.
As an Aquarius I'm always unpredictable and evolving.
So I surprise myself at times.
I'm always on to the next style, next fashion, next thing etc.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
One our cocoons (about 10 from our garden we kept safe ) hatched yesterday! !!!! It's a black swallowtail! And it liked me very much.
Talk about #metamorphosis ! !!
(Like I did the other day or so)
Took awhile for it to learn to fly away and dry it's wings.
Hence the crawling on me. It walked all the way up towards my neck and just stayed there. (I'm not even supposed to be out in the sun - due to a skin condition, but I was for the butterfly hatching, one down a few more to go)
I guess I got my wings so to speak and am on my way, on my path, towards my TRUE destiny.
Butterflies are also lucky I hear when they choose you.
Thank you Butterfly.
Thank for the chance to meet you.
What an honor.
I will continue my metamorphosis and journey towards rebirth.
Whatever happens along the way or after, who knows?
But I know I'm strong enough , and more than confident enough to face what comes my way.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Went to eye doc- my doc literally said I'd be screwed without my eyeglasses👓 cuz I wouldn't be able to see (shit)!" Hahaha!
And now I need to apply prescription cream to my left eyeball every night 🌘because since my stroke my left eye doesn't completely close.
That sliiiiiiight crack -like leaving a window open all night long can leave you waking up in the middle of the night, screaming like someone fucking stabbed 🔪you in the motherfucking eye👁 and then set it on fire 🔥🔥🔥, and nothing NOT ANYTHING will relieve the pain - not opening the eyelid nor closing the eyelid.
Hence the needz for the medicine creamz.😂🙃😣
#funnystory #awesomehair #buzzcut #buzzcutgirl #hair #glasses #motivationalquotes
#barberlife #eye #emoji #picoftheday #modellife #nightlife #wink
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Did my makeup from bed.
And yes, did a buzzcut. ..not from bed, haha.
Always feel more like myself with a buzzcut. Always.
I try to grow it out due to what I see , colorful ,long hair and boredom.
But I always come back to my buzzcut because that's ME. That's what fits me.
I try on all different "hats" so to speak, but it never quite feels right.
I try to fit into society and what it wants from me but I never can.
Like doing my makeup the other day-
Mascara, eyeliner, eyebrow pencil, Lip liner and lipstick.
It felt like A LOT to me- and and lot of effort, it was tiring.
Meanwhile 3 years ago I would've never left the house without makeup!! Ever! !! And a lot of it!
I change my look on a whim still.
Slowly and always trying to better myself and finding what I like compared to what society likes and what the difference is.
Friday, June 2, 2017
I've been having days like these.
They are all too familiar.
Filled to the brim with feelings
So many feelings
I feel like I can't breathe
I want to cry so bad from all the sadness
All the madness
Not one tear is shed
Just these overwhelming feelings
Where am I?
Where do I go?
Where do I fit in?
Now there is no more for me with all these feelings amuck
What a mess they've made
Not one damn tear.
And no room left for me.
I'm left on the outside as usual.
Won't you hurry up.
Calm down and let me in?
Monday, May 22, 2017
So..I did my sister's hair many many many hours after my major seizure this morning and then did mine, almost on the verge of unconsciousness- which is totally the way I see myself going- with a set of clippers in my hands, or gloves and haircolor😅 . So this is my new new look, for a hit minute. I likey.
Sorry for being MIA lately. Been really ill and then you know I get truly bored and push myself really hard to do something creative, like coloring and cutting my family's hair and mine- also because I'm the only hairstylist in the family, and I can't stand looking at bad hair.
Uggggh. Pet peeve. And it always happens. I'll be sitting in the doc's office with a family member and realize, dammit ! I gotta get myself together, and do their hair soon!
I AM that person. This is one of my crafts I've done since I was 12 and told my mom - STOP cutting my sister's hair! Just stop! She looks like Spock, for goodness sake! You shaved of her damn sideburns! She's 3, and going into Pre-k, and looks like Spock! Enough is enough! Put down the garden shears! You are a mom! Not a hairstylist! !!"
And that was the birth of my path.
Fucking Spock hair
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Totally giving me the feels
Hooray for me!!
And to all of you that do this despite all your struggles -
When you can!!!
The struggle is real.
This pic did make me giggle tho ,
Because I do feel like a champion sometimes for the little things, or NEED to, for the things that I can only do SOMETIMES that others take for granted that they do daily without any thought or problem.
Whether due to physical, or mental illnesses- all chronic illnesses to me and should be treated as such.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Sorry I haven't been blogging so much- keep up with me on instagram- "yearsoftherapy"
I try to post daily, when I don't that means I was really ill.
So please forgive me.
Trying to fight depression.
It kinda creeps up on me likes like a
Shadow and covers all the light that was once there and all of a sudden you realize the light's out.
So you try to fight to see the light again.
But I'm fighting for the light everyday.
Somedays I win. Others...not so much.
I am Bipolar.
I am ok with that. It took years to be.
I still have days where I wish I wasnt.
But it happens. It my life. My journey.
I fight to end the stigma.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Happy 10th birthday, Violet!!!!(she's on the left)
Dinosaur party time! You light up my life everyday and every night. You have taught me, continue to teach me how to grow as a person, to love and be loved.
I will never be able to repay you enough.
I thank you for choosing me as your parent and as your student in life.
I promise to always continue to listen to you and try to understand you in the best way I possibly can and not only be your mom but your advocate in life - to fight for your rights as a human being
You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful soul.
You forever inspire me to be a BETTER mom, sister, daughter, friend, human.
I will forever be thankful for you and to you.
As I always tell you everyday and night-
I love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky.
Happy happy happy birthday my love.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
I posted a video on instagram of me playing with my sweetpea, Violet !She's my oldest and soon will be turning 10 years old this week!
Showing her my earrings I got 3 months ago from my sister, that I never got a chance to wear and finally decided to dress up.
My earrings say "Can you not".
Not something I can usually wear to doctor appts.
Lula wanted to play with makeup this morning. At 7 am on Sunday.
Yes this is me "dressed up"
I told you I wear hoodies and sweatshirts all the time.
This is my FANCIEST 😎 sweatshirt 😂-it says SHITAKE HAPPENS.
My life to a T.
And I laugh at it.
Violet has Autism, as do all my children.
They are all very different from each other -
like every child on the autism spectrum, NO child is alike.
And they all completely own my heart.
And I wouldn't EVER have them any other way NEVER EVER.
They are perfect the way they are.
I'm so proud of them, and how much they've taught me and we continue to grow and learn together as a family, as a team.
So I guess my earrings mean-
CAN YOU NOT tell me-
-you are so sorry to hear my child/children has autism.
-if I just would parent them better
-what do I think CAUSED it?
-they don't LOOK autistic, or AT LEAST they don't LOOK autistic.
Or GIVE me any type of parenting advice whatsoever. Period.
IF I HAVEN'T ASKED.
Instead of feeling pity-
Because I'm not upset, I feel so lucky to have my children in my life. After 4 miscarriages, I have 3 wonderful blessings!
Offer a play date! A ladies night out? ( or Guy's? them? They?)
Help with cleaning?
Helping with shopping?
Offering things that HELP us with TIME. And mostly friendship😊
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
One of my five dogs, my furbabies, my loves, this is Baby. The smallest. All of them are my family. It's like having 5 extra children in my house, and I can't imagine my life without them all! !
All of my dogs were unwanted by others-
They've all become such a huge wonderful part of my family.
Happiness, comfort, therapy.
And ALL of them let me know BEFORE I have a seizure.
They are my therapy dogs!
They let me know to get to a safe place in time!
And baby Always always anyways stays by my side till the seizure is over. It depends how bad it is. Sometimes all of them will stay by my side, or some will stay with my kids to comfort them and keep them distracted.
I'm very grateful for my furbabies.
It's been extremely great therapy for my kids as well.
Kids with autism can find great comfort in animals.
Monday, April 17, 2017
My Lula just turned 5 the other week! And did her own makeup,
Yes she decided to add "a freckle" ( and i think its total awesomeness! - I'm aware that Liz Taylor doesn't have a beauty mark on her face.) Lula was just playing around with makeup and my wigs. When she finished, I couldn't help but see the resemblance between her in one of my old curly wigs with her makeup like so, and Andy Warhol's famous artwork of Elizabeth Taylor.
I know I'm bias, I'm her mommy.
I think it's awesome.
So of course.
No filter, nothing.
Just posted side by side.
Friday, April 14, 2017
It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean, my kids know I have a different range of emotions, and I'm not perfect.
I make that clear- even though I'm their mom, I'm still a human being, and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially, having mental illnesses.
I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom, the happy mom.
That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.
I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
More aware of others and their feelings. So that's a plus!
Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
Thursday, March 9, 2017
I had a huge PBA (Pseuobulbar affect) moment followed by a seizure.
I know what you are thinking-
She is so fucing lucky!
I know, right?
Seizures, PBA?! I'M LIVING THE FUCKING HIGH LIFE!
Yeah, OK , back to "reality" or whatever people call it nowadays.
I went to wash my face and BAM!
that's when it happened.
I looked in the mirror-
And had absolutely no clue what or who this reflection was.
Let me repeat- None! No clue whatsoever!
I freaked out.
I knew it was a mirror.
But that wasn't me.
It couldn't be!
Who the fuck was that?
Is this a trick?
How was I replaced with this. .this. .THING? !
I started touching my short dark brown hair, that I had last remembered being dreadlocks, my body was so much bigger, I looked older, I looked bland. Pale.
This thing was me? ????
Can't be! !
Where am I? !
I want to be me again!
This isn't funny! !!!
Why why why
I tried to explain this to my family, but no one understood, or still understands.
It happened yesterday, you see?
And everyone thinks this will just go away and fix itself.
But it won't
I can't stand my reflection.
Because it isn't me.
This caging . This casing is A MISTAKE.
And I can't fix me.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Monday, March 6, 2017
Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created, but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Some days are a LOT harder than others. Posting selfies is a lot harder than it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again. It was doing nothing to change my weight really, since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.
I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
On and on
Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!
I am facing my fears head on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".
Are you going through something similar?
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Sometimes you just need to let go of everything-not easy usually but when I can it's through music.
One of my coping mechanisms is music-listening, singing, and used to be dancing.
I'm trying to find my way back to the things I used to find joy in.
Creative things- painting, drawing -I can't seem to have the attention span for these things yet.
Possibly I'll start gaming again.
My kids seem to want me to join in.
I'll watch movies sometimes.
But music is always the way to my soul.
It's houses memories, cries of sadness and joy.
So here's a pic of me rocking out on my couch, to go with this random blog update to get me into the swing of things.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.
I've been stuck.
My body is ill.
My mind is better some minutes and worse others.
My children are happy.
My family is happy
I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.
I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.
I'm the VOID.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
I had gave birth to my third child, a baby girl. She's now going to be turning 5 in April. Her name is Lula
-after her birth I had severe Postpartum depression, went into the institution several times.
-As a last resort had E.C.T. (electroshock treatments) which were one of the worst decisions of my life.
- I suffered great poverty and had to move from NYC to NC for my family's
-suffered many traumas during the move.
-had a possible stroke?