oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
REALLY?!!! REALLY??!!!
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Yes- THREE WEEKS!
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
Anywho-
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding!...no I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.

Me so tired

I'm so exhausted!!
I went with Violet for her second day of her new school.
But I haven't been sleeping well for DAYS!
Last night at 4 A.M. I was tossing and turning, Levi woke up and Dave was really nasty and mean to me- do I remember what he said exactly- no because it was FOUR O'CLOCK in the fucking morning.
WAY too early to be arguing.
He was feeling very ill last night and hadn't slept- so apparently it's okay to totally lose your temper as long as you have a "good" excuse?
While Dave was in the bathroom, I picked up Lee out of the crib to comfort him.
He was SO happy to see that it was me- not Dave- picking me up to cuddle.
He kept smiling at me and putting his head on my shoulder.
Then he played "face hugger"- by this I mean, have you seen the movie Aliens???
He took his finger and kept trying to put it in my mouth- then trying to put it in my nose- the whole time I'm laughing saying to him "Levi! You little face hugger!!"
He thought it was hilarious!
Eventually he got tired again and went back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. just to have to wake up an hour later to get Violet and me ready for the school bus.
Did I ever mention how much I hated school, back in the day. I mean absolutely HATED, DREADED freaking school.
So it's hilarious to me- that I'm waking up at this time to go with my daughter to her school.
She had another great day today at school.
This morning she even tried a piece of my bagel with cream cheese!!!
It's like a whole new Violet!!! Woohoo.
Well not completely- she still has a meltdown at meal time every single day, in school and at home.
A half an hour after we got home I had to rush her off to her sensory gym.
Two hours later, she had therapy at home- and that's when her mental breakdown started.
Screaming, crying- because she's exhausted.
I'm exhausted- and I don't run around half as much as she does- and on as little food as she does.
I have no idea where she gets the abundance of energy she has.
They wanted me to come to school again tomorrow, and even though I DO LOVE the school, and of course my child- and the other children as well- I need some freaking sleep!!!
All her classmates- They are some of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet!!
All these kids with all kinds of physical and learning disabilities- they are so sweet and kind.
I bonded with a few of them.
One boy in her class follows Violet around and sings her name to a made up melody.
The kids were following me around the classroom, coming up to me- playing with me.
It's such an amazing experience- I cannot even describe how much I adore these kids- even after only two days.
Everyone at this school is so lucky, including the teachers.
Good thing is they have an open door policy, and I can come anytime I'd like.
I should be sleeping right now- but instead I'm typing.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my own husband.
His emotions are all over the place.
I LOVE that after he blew up at me this morning, he said I was being oversensitive- that's when I said- "Whoa- back up!"
"In a few minutes you are going to realize that you just blew your fucking top- for no good reason- and you are going to feel really bad that you did that."
At that point, he apologized.
I wanted him to go to the doctor today- but he avoids the doctor like the plague.
Where is a fucking blow dart when I need it????
But instead of knocking him out- it'll just make him be nice.
Man I WANT that freaking drug!!!
On another note- I've been trying to schedule that second mammogram because something is going on with my left breast.
Instead of being sad or depressed about the possibility of cancer- I make jokes about it- at my expense. It puts my family at ease and they laugh a little. My dad hates that I make jokes about the lump.
Finally my mom had to tell him, it's better for me to laugh about it- than cry.
He decided to donate one day of his salary to Breast Cancer Foundation. I found that really touching- since my dad doesn't communicate his feelings very well at all- especially about me- except if he's mad at me- that he's always expressed really really well.


So I'll end this blog here for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!

Eerie Day

Yesterday was surreal.

After a very difficult weekend, I dreaded going to court Monday morning.

I didn't sleep at all. The babies were up almost all night, and I was worried sick, tossing and turning.

You know when you are so very exhausted, and you still have to get up and go somewhere- but your heart is racing, and you feel kinda like you're going to pass out??? Well that was me yesterday before heading out to court.

I geared myself up for it by blasting positive upbeat music while on the way there.

We got there a little early- which was a wonderful feeling, instead of running late. If you know me I HATE being late- but my mom is gifted at this. And has no problem with being late- a total opposite from me.

My social worker met us there, and we talked and waited till the landlord's lawyer came.

It was amazing what lies the landlord was spouting this time.

So we decided to take this case to trial and nail this bastard once and for all.

The trial is set for next month. I'll be praying all month- that G-d will be on our side that day. Or maybe just maybe- the landlord will finally give us a decent offer to get out- and I won't have to go to trial after all. A girl can dream can't she???

I'd been at court for HOURS AND HOURS waiting and waiting for the judge to call our name. I didn't get home until the afternoon.

Yesterday everyone was asking me how I was feeling- because of my miscarriage on the weekend. Truthfully, I was tired- really tired. Physically and emotionally and all I wanted to do was sleep. Which is totally unlike me- I don't EVER sleep during the day- I'm a mom I don't have time for things like that.

Dave is still recovering for the infection, but thankfully he IS finally recovering.

He did me a solid yesterday- because I could barely function I was so exhausted.

He told me to go to bed- in the afternoon, and that he'd take care of everything till the morning!!! Which immediately makes me wonder- what I will have to do in return- nothing is for free after all- especially in a marriage, NOTHING.

I was wondering..was i going to have to do this for him- tomorrow???and the day after???

SO immediately I said- NO! Because that would mean I'd have to work way overtime- even more than usual!

To which of course, he said- he wouldn't ask for anything- which I still don't believe.

I decided to take the offer- and just pay the consequences.

I took a long bath- NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE. Very.

And then headed to bed- I slept for about two hours until my sister woke me up for a phone call.

Turns out my agency was calling me all day- for an audition for Levi. Which is exciting- and nerve-wrecking at the same time. This will be the first audition since my son was diagnosed with delays- so I never know what to expect. But I'm thinking it'll be a story in the end. And probably a funny one at that.

I couldn't fall back to sleep after that. My mom came into the room a couple of times, asking me how I was feeling-and such. And then Dave came in and sat down. He told me how nice it felt to finally sit- to which I looked at him like...uh yeah! I know how that feels. Like everyday!

He had cooked- a really really good dinner- and get this served me in bed!!!!

Now I know I'm gonna have to pay!!

But I didn't care- I ate in bed and we talked alone in the bedroom. Until I heard both my kids screaming their little heads off. I said to Dave, "I think two hours is enough torture for you"

and I went into the living room to see what the problem was.

I love coming into the room and Levi seeing me and totally loosing his shit.

Like "fuck yeah- Mommy's here!!! Thank G-d!!!!!"

You know, something like that.

I put the kids to sleep soon after that, then we watched True Blood and Kevin Hart's new comedy special ( it was SO FUNNY!!!)- Things I'd taped- because I never have the time to watch shows ON TIME.

Both were AWESOME. I love T.V. I really do- it's my only escape.

So that was my day. So before you ask me- How I'm feeling...just know- I am still tired- I will be for awhile. It's a lot for the body to go through. And yes, I'm still a bit down.

But thanks for asking. I do appreciate all your support. And I love you all out there. G-d Bless you.

Kisses my beautiful bitches!

*photo of Violet yawning at a day old

Bad day

Had a really sucky day today- seems like I've been having those quite often lately.
I've been really stressed out. Being a parent of a "normal" kid- is exhausting- but being a parent of an autistic kid. Regular parents never understand.
I was on the phone with my service coordinator (the one who is in charge of the Violet's therapists schedule and meetings) the other day and she was asking me what was the exact day I spoke to someone- and I couldn't remember. I mention that the reason my memory is FUCKED is because I don't sleep- because Violet doesn't sleep. So I apologized for not remembering. Then she answered back that she sympathizes with me because her son is sick- and is suddenly not sleeping well. And she then told me that she FORGOT what it was like not to sleep- because her son is a good sleeper.
I'm like- first- I'm sorry your son is sick.
Second- ARE YOU kidding me????! Are you seriously gonna tell someone who has yet to have a full night's sleep in more than 3 years (being pregnant wasn't a walk in the park either)- your son is a good sleeper?
My daughter, the light of my life, and also the main reason I have several heart attacks daily. I'm exhausted. I know that she's worth all the energy I have to offer and more. But right now I'm drained. More than drained.
So to all the parents of "regular" kids- shut-up. You don't understand. You will never ever understand- so please for the sake of all the parents of special needs kids- shut up! Don't even think of opening your mouth until something useful and worthwhile comes out. And if you can't think of anything worthwhile to say, go with an old stand by, "Your son ( or daughter) is beautiful". Get in, get out- all is well with the world.
Thank you from all of us to you, in advance.
PEACE out, Bitches! (I mean this most affectionately)
P.S.- If you go with "Your son (or daughter) is beautiful" - MAKE SURE YOU GO WITH THE RIGHT GENDER!
So many assholes have said that Violet "was a beautiful boy". ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Don't even speak!

Rant

I've had a horrible day on Decemeber 7th.
It started at 9am after a crazy night with the kids. I dragged myself out of bed to go straight to the kitchen to make coffee. My daily elixir of choice.
Violet went to school and Levi was surprisingly in a good mood.
Both didn't sleep that night. It was a night in crazy town, like most nights.
MY daughter NEVER EVER sleeps. Which means Dave and I are ALWAYS tired.
Add in the fact that I have a new baby boy- well you get the picture.
Violet has been absent a lot from school lately due to her numerous health problems.
Besides being autistic, her body over produces yeast, and she's been getting sick all the time. Just last week she had an unexplained high fever for 5 days and stomach pains.
I bring her to the doctor all the time. Most doctors don't know what to do with her, how to treat her, what tests to perform on her, etc.
I talk to her doctor several times a week. I also talk to her teacher whenever she's out from school. My daughter's health comes first, always. School is second.
I found out that day, during my daughter's home therapy that her teacher had made a comment that Violet's been out of school for two months. Which is totally absurd and crazy. From the very beginning of my daughters evaluations and therapies, I've dealt with completely crazy, irrational people. I've learned that most people that deal with "special children" are "special" in some way themselves. But mostly they're just crazy. There are only a handful of therapists that a adore with all my heart and soul. I beleive they are Violet's angels.
I HATE when people say one thing to my face and another behind my back.
It's stupid and childish. I'm so tired. Tired from not sleeping, tired from dealing with crazy people day in and out. I'm tired of New York! Freaking TIRED!
I'm dealing with a lot of shit on my plate.
Today a new speech therapist also started working with Violet at home.
I'm tired of other people- who know absolutely nothing about me- judging my parenting ability. Truthfully I feel I'm a great mom. I'm with my kids all day and all night. I working on every single therapy I'm taught to do with my daughter EVERYDAY.
I'm singing to my son EVERYDAY. Loving them, kissing them- being there for them.
All the time.
So when a teacher, or therapist judges me- it really hurts and upsets me eventhough I know it shouldn't.
I deal with a lot for any mom, let alone a bipolar mom. I always have to be in control of everything, know everyone's schedule, cook dinner every night, make sure we have food in the house for everyone. And oh...did I mention I have to start feeding my daughter a gluten free diet.
I'm tired. Really tired.
Some days are better than others as all bipolars should know.
I try to take one day at a time- because for me it's hard to look too far ahead into the future.
I had written this blog on december 7th but decided to think about it a least for a day before I published it. But I feel it's important to show the ups and downs of my life and how frequently they change due to being bipolar.
I hope in some way my blog will help people understand being bipolar is extremely difficult. Most bipolars I have known are deceased. So it's hard to be positive about being bipolar when I don't know of any success stories of bipolars.
I feel I'm most definitely a success story. I'm still alive. I'm somewhat stable. I have a loving family. I'm a good mom and I have an extremely devoted, supportive, understanding husband.
I hope they're are more successful bipolars out there and if you are one of them- feel free to contact me.
We bipolars need to stick together and support one another.
I hope my blog helps you in some way.
Let me know.

More to come...

Stay tuned.