Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dave finally WON!

Yesterday was a humiliating day- or just another day for me.
Dave had been attacking me with scissors for a few days now- I was tiring of it.
Dave fixed the hair buzzer yesterday and bullied me into letting him buzz my hair off. I was nervous- nervous to the point of nausea- because I have issues with authority, and hate when someone is MAKING me do anything- hate it!
But Dave is probably the only person on the planet that can force me to do anything- and he knows this, DAMN IT!
He got loud with me and I couldn't take it anymore- so I bent over the tub- and let him buzz away at my scalp.
Oh the joy- I mean this as sarcastically as possible.
Afterwards me left me- bald and a little shaken- like a sheep that had just been sheared- to go take care of Violet who had just woken up from a short nap.
There I was alone- left to clean up the hair and wash myself off.
I stared at myself in my tiny little mirror- and saw every flaw- flaws that I'd never seen before. Because when you're bald there's no hiding ANYTHING, no blemish, no bump, not anything.
Oy, this was going to be hard.
I felt like I was going in circles- how many times was I going to be bald in my lifetime? Seriously!
I walked into my living room, where Dave, Kayla and my kids were hanging out.
Awaiting their reactions.
My sister right away said how much she liked it. Dave looked proud of myself- I was still a little upset at how he bullied me.
I walked up to Levi, my son- who smiled and giggled. Yeah- that's WAY better than crying hysterically. I'll take giggling.
Violet didn't seem to mind either.
My mom saw it later that day, and said- "Oh my, I'll have to get used to this look again. It'll take me some time." Thanks mom, for the vote of confidence.
I knew from that point on I'd be getting some negative feedback from the people I knew- and of course they people I don't.
Whatever I seem to do angers people, I don't know why- whether it be the pair of glasses I'm wearing, the clothes, or the hairdo- doesn't matter- I anger people.
And sometimes I think that's a good thing.
An ode to punks- old school punks- not the hot topic, dress-a-like, talk-a-like, look-a-like punks that are around nowadays. Fuck those PUNKS!
When your "punk" outfit costs more than a few bucks- you're officially NOT a punk anymore.
That's my opinion anyways-
BTW my head wasn't shaved- it was buzzed- with a number 2 attachment- for all those girls out there that have no idea what I'm talking about- I pity you.
There is one sound in this world that still gives me goosebumps-good goosebumps- to this very day- the sounds of electric appliance buzzing- because that means either I'm getting a haircut- or a tattoo- the two things I really LOVE getting done in this world.
Speaking of tattoo- I'm thinking of finally getting my head tattooed. I've been thinking about this for YEARS. Now if I could only decide on a fabulous tattoo.
Any ideas???

let me know.
I'll be posting photos of my new do- ASAP.
You know it can't be just any photo- it's got to be FIERCE!

Love and kisses to all my bitches!!!!

More to come...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Make it FIERCE!

My old motto for a very long time was "Work it! Love it! Live it! Flaunt it!"
I definitely feel I haven't been living up to this in awhile.
My new motto- "I'm a model. I'm a mom. I'm a CUNT! I'm fabulous!"
If you knew me- you'd know this works well for me.
I've been extra stressed these past few days- and it's wearing on me.
As I was listening to my music, and of course do housework, dishes in this case, I realize no matter what is happening to me physically- I'm not giving up without a fucking fight!
Earlier today the handyman in my building came to my apartment to help me unclog my severely clogged bathtub drain. He worked so damn hard. And then said to me-"There's too much hair in the drain", to which I replied frankly "I'm very ill and losing my hair". At which point his whole attitude changed and he was SO nice and kind to me, which was a definite change from his usual attitude towards me.
After saying that I felt like crying- and I HATE crying- it shows weakness- and I can't stand it. So when I'm crying- it's because I can't hold it back any longer.
I teared a tiny bit- just enough for me to realize- this is really FUCKED UP.
And no loss of anything other than my family- will make me upset. Material items, nothing. So losing my hair- I'm not going to waste my time and energy- being distraught anymore.
As I write this- my hair is falling to my shoulders- yep it's THAT bad. And hopefully a doctor will find out what the flying fuck is happening to me- because this happened long before this stress started happening.
Dave offered earlier today, to shave my head for me, and his to make me feel better.
and I froze- because I wasn't ready. Whatever is happening- it's going to be on MY terms. I'm a fighter- so yes- hair oh lovely hair- I love you. I'm obsessed with you. But you ain't worth nothing to me no more. Fuck this shit!
If I'm gonna be bald- I'm gonna be a fierce bitch! Watch out.
I'll work it.

This blog I actually wrote two whole days ago-
I didn't want to publish this blog until I shaved my head.
Well shortly after writing this- my beloved buzzer broke! Dave was upset because he REALLY wanted to buzz my head.
Since then he's been trying to attack me with scissors- saying "I can totally do THIS! Don't you trust me?!"
To which I reply "NO!" Because the LAST time is shaved my head with a razor I was 8 months pregnant with Violet, and he cut my head up. I TOTALLY don't trust him with a blade.
Oh yeah and yesterday was a day from FUCKING hell. My sister passed out, hit her head and went by ambulance to the hospital. Don't worry she's okay and she's home safe and sound.
Both of us have been suffering from extremely low blood pressure. I will never get that image of her head hitting the wall out of my mind. I was super affectionate to her while waiting for the ambulance- and told her" See? I'm affectionate when it counts." She laughed. After all she's my baby, she's like a daughter to me. I've never been so scared.
Usually there's at least a few minutes between when someone says they're not feeling well- to the time they go limp. At least this happens in my case- thank goodness- enough time to take aspirin and lay the fuck down. Well this is NOT the case with my sister.
And after all this happened yesterday- Dave was still coming after me with scissors.
I better get a buzzer quick otherwise Dave will WIN. Meaning I will LOSE.

Kisses to my beautiful bitches!

BTW "Don't be offended by me calling you bitches. I call you bitches because I don't know all your names individually."- Katt Williams. AMEN!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Why Antibiotics suck so much for Bipolars...

Antibiotics SUCK!
I have a horrible sinus infection and ran to the doctors today to get a persciption for antibiotics. The coughing mixed with my heart problems- not doing too well. Chest really hurts at the moment. So I'm not allowed any good cold/cough medication. And that's such a bummer- because I can't sleep!
Now I've introduced antibiotics into my body- and BAM!!!!
What was stable a moment ago- all out the window right now. I'm cycling, anxious, jittery- ARGH!!!
Dave and my son are sick now. As a mom- I go into what I call "turbo" mode- where I see what needs to get done, and do it- forget all the pain I'm in. I can get like 17 things done at once. I don't think I've ever cooked dinner so fast in my life!
But when everything is finally quiet, and everyone is asleep- for the time being- it's just me and my crazy thoughts racing.
I really do wish I had bipolar friends to talk to. But as I've mentioned before- all my old bipolar friends- are sad to say, dead. You never hear of a happy ending for a bipolar- all the ones I knew had very short lives- and they weren't happy ones at that. Many bipolars I knew, were abused as children, but that's a whole other subject all together. But in a lot of cases trauma happened to them as a child.
I wish I knew bipolars that were functioning, and happy, maybe even had a family.
That's asking for too much right?
A lot of my friends look at my life and think I got this all figured out.
I'm married, I got two kids, everything's good right? I seem somewhat stable?
As much as I am an open book, there are MANY things I don't talk about. I don't go into a lot of detail about my parents, my sister, or Dave.
I feel it wouldn't be fair to them.
I feel a lot of my life has been about fighting. Fighting constantly- with everyone, with everything. It leaves my exhausted. Fighting and arguing all the time.
I think there's a lot of pressure on me- to be successful- in my marriage, as a mother. To not fail. To not go back into the hospital, to not breakdown. I have to be strong- there are several people depending on me every second of every day.
And for the most part- that's what keeps me going. If I was on my own, with no family, I'd be so fucked up. I'd be a mess. Because I wouldn't care. I never cared what happened to me- when manic or depressed, hence the suicidal tendencies. But having it not be ALL about me- but instead be about my children and my family- changes the dynamic.
My children saved my life. They changed me. And yes being a parent is the HARDEST thing imaginable. Really some days- I can't take it, I feel overwhelmed and like I can't go on. And I'll admit it- I have had suicidal thoughts since becoming a parent. It's the disease- the depression that takes over my whole being- and infects my mind. But thinking of my children kept me from doing it. My kids are what drive me to live each day- nothing else.
I am Bipolar- and that will never change. As stable as I feel most times, there's another bad feeling just around the bend. This is my life. I have to work on controlling it all the time. I don't get breaks. Breaks from being a mom, from being bipolar.
When I take antibiotics, it throws me completely off my game, not physically, but mentally. It counteracts my bipolar medication- and basically fucks me up.
And I know it's the medication, and I have to keep reminding myself it's the medication and not real, the feelings I have- that it'll all go back to normal when the tens days are up and I finish taking the antibiotics. But until then- I'm definitely struggling. Badly.
I want my kids to be okay. I want Dave to feel better. There's all these thoughts in my mind, racing.
I want more help, and support. I'm so busy taking care of everyone- I forget who I am all the time. I feel lost- when alone by myself. Alone with my thoughts.
Like no one understands me- there's no one to talk to.
So I write on my computer, in the dark, listening to everyone snore.
I'm so awake right now- it's ridiculous because I haven't had a decent sleep in days.

Well that's all from me for now. Wish me luck.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Kisses my beautiful bitches!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Anti-Cool: the Movement

I came up with this notion a few years back.
Back then I called it My Revolution, now it's more a movement really.
Anti-cool: basically doing everything in your power to be NOT cool. Meaning whatever society finds beautiful, or accepting- do the opposite. Not for them- but for yourself.
After being in the fashion industry for over tens years- I've learned a lot.
Mainly how I don't "fit" in.
I was always too __________ (fill in the blank).
Too tattooed. Too out-there. Or the opposite happened- I wasn't tattooed ENOUGH. I wasn't strange enough. Very bizarre. And things change from minute to minute.
What was "in" one season was "out" the next. The fashion industry is very wishy-washy.
And it was always so frustrating for me. Do they want me to look like this?? or that??? I never knew- and I was always wrong.
So about two years ago- I gave up all together- I decided whatever they wanted me to look like- I as going to do the opposite. So I dyed my hair green, shaved off my eyebrows, purposely bought outrageously weird looking eyeglasses- the whole deal. I dressed awkward. You name it. And believe me every time I shaved my head- there were many people that found it unappealing and told me so- on the street- to let me know how WRONG I was. Same thing when I was heavily pierced, people told me on the street how ugly I was. I don't know why they felt the NEED to tell me this- but whatever- no biggie. I used to take it to heart, and be upset- now I learned to take it as a compliment. If they DON'T like it- then I'm doing something RIGHT.
I kind of lost my focus on my anti-cool movement, since I was pregnant with Levi.
Now I'm feeling the focus coming back to me now.
I've been on so many casting calls in my days- and rejected, rejected, rejected.
It wears a person down. And the jobs I do get aren't usually the ones I'm pining over.
Everything I do- I'm told will ruin my career- to that I say- the job I get for looking the way I WANT- will be a life changer, for sure. That's the job I want.
So many things have been happening to me physically. And I find there are days I want to be invisible. And if there were a way- I'd use it. The thing I found be trying to be ugly- by societies standards- does make a person as close to invisible as possible. strange I know, but people don't like to look at "the ugly", people are usually attracted to the "beautiful". Whatever that may mean.
It means different things to different people.
In my neighbor, nearly everyone is a yuppie. They're children are brats usually.
So the minute I step out the door- I know I'm already hated. For having tattoos on my neck, for being different in any way. I'm thought of as lower class, and treated as such. That's why I find more comfort at the ghetto playgrounds, with my kids- because I feel we're all equal. We're all poor and don't have nannies, or cooks, or maids.
I'm feeling very anti-cool at the moment. Especially with my hair falling out and my body falling a part. I really do want to be invisible. I feel things would be a lot easier.
I'm not going to get the part of the mom in a commercial anyway- or the part of the tattooed chick. So fuck it- let's do this already.
Let me know you're feelings on the movement- let's make it one. Fuck the MAN. Fuck society. Just FUCK IT!

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Violet a few months old- with onesie designed by me- my Anti-cool Baby!!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Long time no write.

Sorry it's been a whole 5 days!
I feel like so much has happened since then.
First Violet got a bug from school. She had a very high fever and her stomach was upset. I don't feel so hot either- we share everything. Sloppy kisses, you name it- but that's part of the joys of being a mommy- the sloppy kisses I mean- not the sharing of viruses.
I actually got a chance to watch mind numbing television yesterday- well kind of.
Usually when I get a chance I like to catch up on my favorite shows I've missed and recorded. This time, my mom was watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels- so I decided to chillax next to her and watch it with her.
First of all, let me just say- they are a breathe of fresh air- as far as famous families go. Their kids are awesome, and overall good people. Which is rare.
Shannon, Gene Simmons long time girlfriend (I don't think they should ever marry- because really- there's no need- if things are working this way- then they should stay this way- that's my opinion), found a lump in her breast and had two biopsies.
This hits me close to home, since I've been through this only months before being pregnant with Violet.
Shannon is in my opinion, a very strong woman. She handled it extremely well.
A lot better than I did. The biopsy hurts like a BITCH from hell! And I'm not afraid of needles at all- since with all my health problems I'm stuck with them all the time. But wow- that hurt more than words can describe.
When I went through that, I wanted my breasts removed immediately but no doctor would do it- because insurance wouldn't pay for it. Which is ridiculous when you think of it- it's a preventive measure- but insurance won't pay for it- unless you ALREADY have cancer. This is so stupid.
I still wish I'd have gotten it done. Fuck breasts! That's what I always say.
For all the reasons they gave me NOT to remove them- that I might have children and want to breast feed. Yes I did have children and I did breast feed both children- for a very short time because physically I couldn't and it was a very painful experience- emotionally as well.
I also made a living by modeling nude. Yes, nude. I'm not ashamed. The photos were art, not porn. But this is how I made money- basically for my boobs and body.
And I STILL wanted them removed. I was told that would hurt my modeling career severely- but I knew this is what I wanted. And I'd still find a way to make a living modeling. If I could afford to remove them, I would in a heart beat. That day-after my biopsy, not knowing what the results would be, was one of the WORST days of my life. And knowing I might have to go through that again someday, terrifies me to the core. I took a self- portrait that month of myself with scissors to my breast. It horrified many of my friends, so even though I still have these images, and would like to post them, I will not because it might scare some people.
I took these photos, because I was angry. Angry at the doctors and my insurance- for not obeying my wishes and making the decision for me. I hate not being in control of my own life and body. I did not harm myself- so don't go worrying about me. I've been suicidal in the past- that time was NOT one of them.
Anyway- watching things like that strike a nerve in me- but I'm SO glad she chose to share that with everyone- because this could save many peoples lives. Kudos to her.
On another note- I scheduled Violet's 24 hour stay in the hospital, but now I might have to reschedule it for later in April due to my health. I'm supposed to stay with her overnight, but with my recent frequent heart problems, I can't do that.
I'm living off aspirin. It's my best friend now, that's for sure.
I have many doctors appointments coming up- I just want answers at this point.

That's all for now- God bless all of you- and CHECK your breasts- yes even you guys out there.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Come true to fast.

Seems that my dreams are coming true a little too fast for me.
The dream/vision I talked about in my last blog is the one I'm talking about.
My hair was starting to fall out a little less these past few days- then all of a sudden today- BAM! So much hair down the drain, I had to clean out the tub eight times!
It was intense. I was thinking about buying a turban- not the turban you're thinking about- the OTHER turban. The one worn by divas in old movies. You know, with huge sunglasses and a scarf. It's coming to that time, y'all.
My mom asked if I wanted a new wig- and I have NEVER turned down a wig before in my life!!! I'm not about to start now.
I was talking with a friend today and said- shaving your own head is one thing- but having the CHOICE to be bald be made for you- is another. They understood.
My hair doesn't look so bad right now- but if something doesn't change soon. Oh boy.
Dave says that I make a very sexy bald chick. Thanks Hun! But it's frustrating.
I went to the doctor yesterday and had tests done. They are also testing me for diabetes, as well as my vitamin levels.
I have SO many different doctors appointments to go to- cardiologist (chest pains), dermatologist (for my hair), neurologist (for my migraines), and Gyno (for the possible endometriosis). Oh man this sucks. The doctor thinks maybe they are all connected- but let's see. And the soonest dates I could get for all these appointments were in APRIL! I kind of need a doctor sooner than that. My main doctor definitely agrees with me.
So what do you think- Diva turban or brand new wig???
Dave wants to make this summer about Roller Boogie ( check out the movie it's hilarious- and ridiculously awesome). I keep telling him I SUCK at anything with wheels- but he won't take "NO" for an answer. Plus I'd love to be able to roller boogie (dancing while rollerskating). So he suggests I get a "Farrah" wig. HOLLA!
I'm also looking forward to the summer- everyday in the summer- is freaking magical for me.
I LOVE the summer. This summer I have Violet's THIRD birthday party and also Levi's FIRST birthday party to plan for.
I go all out for parties- I LOVE get togethers. I love the decorating, the goodie bags, the food, ALL of it.
And of course seeing my friends and family.
I'm trying to remain positive and not think the worst- some moments- all the things happening to my body get to me- but I gotta get myself back up. Find energy SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW.

Thanks everyone for all your support.

More to come. Thanks for listening:)

*photo of the brilliant, fabulous actress Maggie Gyllenhaal- looking very DIVA! I love it!

Sunday, March 14, 2010


I have always had prophetic dreams- since I was a child.
The dreams- would either come true later that day- or week- or even month.
Not to say EVERY single dream of mine is prophet- some are just strange, and random- because I ate something horrible right before bed- I am human after all.
But I always know which ones will come true.
For example- two months before I defied all laws and got pregnant with Violet- I had a dream I had a little girl, and her name was Violet. That's how I knew I could have a child- and therefore did. I also dreamed I'd have a son, his name did not appear in the dream, which made it more difficult to name him, and that he would be blond- which he was.
Every time before I got really ill- I'd have a dream about it. There were many dreams that I was emaciated- and later that month or year- something would lead to that. Usually my eating disorders- but sometimes not.
This past week I've had very scary prophetic dreams.
Again, my dreams are not always so clear and cut- I usually have to decipher them- or later in the week when the dream plays out- I realize what the dream originally meant to tell me.
A friend of mine- asked me if I was a witch. If you have to be a witch to have visions- which I doubt- then I guess I am. But I believe all types of people have these gifts. Dave has fantastic intuition- and I trust it. Just as he usually trusts mine. If I tell him I have a bad feeling about something- he usually listens.
And it does play out- most of the time.
I believe most people have this ability, to dream their future, or have fantastic intuition, but most people don't it themselves enough, to believe it.
This dream I had early in the week- made me particularly nervous.
I was on a dock- actually there were THREE of me- on a dock.
One future, one present, and one- not so sure from what time.
One of them- I was completely bald ( shiny bald- I mean no hair!)- and sick, and emaciated- hugging the "other" me, wearing a brown wig and the other had blondish wavy long hair. All were different body types, but one was very very sickly thin.
I was looking at photographs of myself on the dock that had been overlapped, and had been taken at different moments in time- but at the same place. Made to look like there had been three of me at once.
Very strange, I know. Disturbing yes. It makes me think- wow I have got to get to the doctor quick! All these things that are happening to my body right now, are very scary. I wasn't as disturbs until I had the dream. Now I have a feeling of what the dream means- but I won't say it here.
I just wanted to give an example of what my dreams are like.
Another thing that can happen in a dream,I'll see someone I know in my dream- then ALWAYS later that day- see them. Doesn't matter if I haven't seen this person in years- I WILL see them that very day. It's bizarre and kind of fun at times.
Knowing this ahead of time.
I will leave you with this- listen to your dreams- even if they are very strange- they could be telling you something, even warning you.
Everyone has intuition- I think it's time to trust it.

More to come...
Stay tuned.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Intimacy Issues

I'll admit it, I have intimacy issues.
Not when I'm manic. When I'm manic I'll hug everyone on the planet.
But when I'm not, I don't like touching or even hugging. This includes my family as well. It's weird I know. My sister and I totally different- she's super affectionate, hugs and kisses me all the time- me on the other hand, never do that. And when she does- I freeze up, and usually push her away. I don't even, of my own free will, hug my mom, and I LOVE her. If she asks for a hug, I'll give one, but I'm not- savor the moment of a hug kind of gal.
To the people I am affectionate to- of my own free will- are very few.
This definitely includes my small handful of friends- I love them so much and don't feel weird hugging them, and some family members as well- but very few.
Nothing personal- It's ALL me. Just one of the many things that make me freakish.
Just one. And this comes and goes- well not completely. But I go through- very affectionate phases occasionally. They are rare and far between.
Something is definitely wrong with me. Definitely.
My dad was never ever the affectionate type. To hugs or kiss me was a huge deal. And everyone would make a big deal when he would. Which made me feel awkward in return. Watching us hug is a bizarre sight, that's for sure. Plus it only happens once every few years. This is one of the reasons I am the way I am.
Even though I am an open book, there are some things I can't seem to talk about just yet. Maybe in the book I plan to write someday. Just maybe.
Sometimes I feel I still have my guard up, even with my family.
I'm scared if I give everything I'll lose myself. I'm probably not making a lot of sense right now but this is how I feel sometimes. It feels good when I let go, at times, but then I tighten up all over again. I'm always afraid to get hurt, or be disappointed.
I'm sure I will let go eventually.
With my kids- I'm a completely different person, I hug and kiss them all the time. I give them all of me every second of every day. Violet pushes me away all the time- I don't take it personally. Levi on the other hand- pulls me in closer to smother me with kisses (licks- whatever you call them)and I enjoy every second of it.

*photo of Levi (2 months old) and me

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Very depressing day.

I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.

Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.

Rough Day.

Still recovering from food poisoning, yet again. Violet's feeling not so great, as well. I've been feeling like crying for most of the day, I hate that feeling!
Today Shannon (her A.B.A. therapist) and I took Violet to the playground, I was using my horrible back up camera to take photos of her. The photos were AMAZING, or I thought they were, because all of a sudden, a message popped up on my camera- no memory card!!! Can you believe it?!!!! After taking all those photos????I hate that fucking camera- it's the fucking Monkey's Paw!
Late in the day I got a call, from the best special Preschool in the city, YAI Gramercy. I had been waiting for their call, to let me know if Violet got into the school or not. It turns out she didn't. I don't blame them, Jessica, the person I spoke to, is extremely nice, and I understood why they decided against taking her in.
I was bummed. Really bummed.
They said she needed more attention than they could provide for her. In their class of eight kids ( 1 teacher, 2 aids) she wouldn't get the help she so desperately needed. They suggested we go to the school across from them, called The Roosevelt School, which even though it was mostly for physically handicapped kids, they do take kids with P.D.D. ( which is what she has). Their classes have six kids to one teacher, two aids. Which is better- but we're worried she'll need her own teacher, or what they call- Para.
It's hard hearing that your child NEEDs more attention and MORE help than they can provide. It's frustrating, and sometimes crippling.
It's been a rough day. I'm tired, sore, and sad.
I hope Violet gets into a good school. I really do.
Her getting into Gramercy, is what I was really wanting to stay in NYC for.
Now I don't know what's keeping us here, other than lack of money.
Frustrating, very frustrating.

More to come. Hopefully good news.

*photo is of Violet, during a snow day a few weeks ago. How can they say no to that face?????

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I don't know what's going on. At first, I thought it was just a post-baby thing. About 5 or 7 months after women have a baby- their hair can start to shed.
But now- I'm losing a LOT of my hair, and no it's not from coloring, I haven't colored my hair in a long time, and it's pretty healthy. I'm thinking it's a hormonal imbalance. I've been going through a lot physically.
I've been experiencing endometriosis symptoms lately- truthfully ever since I gave birth to Violet, and it's just been getting worse. I had endometriosis surgery back in 2001. Which means there's a very good chance the endo is back.
That paired with my heart problems- ARGH!
I have SO many doctors appointments scheduled- but all for April. That's the earliest appointments I could get. Very frustrating.
Yesterday I got food poisoning for the 100th time. This time it was from a small bag of potato chips I shared with Violet yesterday, we bought at some bodega across the street from the playground. We both got pretty sick- but I got the worst of it, thank goodness. I would feel horrible if she had gotten the worst- it's hard watching your babies feeling sick.
I almost went to the emergency room last night, until I realized it was food poisoning. Because at first I almost passed out- well at least that's how it started for me last night after I made dinner.
I feel better thus far, not perfect but WAY better than last night.
I might make an emergency appointment with my doctor if my heart problems worsen again.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

On another note.

Today was a rough day all around. Besides Levi's audition, I had a "heart episode" again. Don't worry I scheduled a heart doctor appointment. He's the head of cardiology, and takes great care of my father. I met him, and he was wonderful.
But the soonest appointment I can get is for April 1st. Argh.
I'll be fine- it's just irritating. I'm a very physical person and always running around doing errands, after the kids, and taking care of the house- I don't get to sit very often, so when I can't physically do everything I NEED to do- it frustrates the living crap out of me.
Just today, while pushing, the double (very heavy) stroller uphill, killed me. Couldn't breathe, and a lot of pressure on my chest. Pisses me off!
Aspirin is my friend. My very good friend.
I really want to go see my very talented friends perform ( brilliant musicians- every single one of them) and I'm scared to travel far alone- with my heart problem.
What do I do if it happens on a crowded train at night? I hate being scared.
I feel very undependable now. I like being the friend people can count on- but I feel I haven't been that for awhile now. I'm looking to change that. Hopefully soon.
To all my beloved friends out there that I've let down- I'm so sorry. I really am.
And I striving to change things.
On another note- Monday I go back to the food pantry for my monthly visit.
Now don't get me wrong- things have been better THIS month thus far, doesn't mean anything for NEXT month. I never know how things will be from one moment to the next. So I like to be prepared. Canned tomatoes goes a long way. The food pantry helps, they are so nice there and friendly. But I still feel bad, I wish I had the means to give instead of take.
I go there with my social worker ( I have her through Violet's Early Intervention Program), she's an angel, and has helped my family greatly.
God bless her!

So that's all for today.
Stay tuned.

Levi's first audition...

Today was the fisher price audition. I had no idea what to expect.
The was a hallway FULL of babies, all ages, and all quite small.
In comes me with my Levi- he eats other babies for breakfast- he's the size of a one year old- so he's BIG for his age.
There were a bunch of showbiz moms AND dads there. One kid was all smiles at everyone and then fell and started to cry. The showbiz dad, told his one year old daughter, "Shake it off. Just shake it off!" I shit you not!!!
But one mom and I really connected, she was awesome, and I think she was also a model. Her son was GORGEOUS- no joke. The biggest blue eyes.
My mom came with me because Dave was too tired. But my mom's mind went out the window the second we walked in- she was so nervous. It reminded me of my very first audition when I was nine years old- she was an absolute wreck!
So the first part of the audition was video- Levi was amazing, and smiling at the ladies. The second part..the photos...didn't go so well.
Did I mention he'd fallen asleep on the way over there? Well he did and woke up minutes before the video portion of the audition. He started getting really cranky towards the end- when the photos needed to be taken. He wouldn't stay still- I mean he's a baby- but not even for a second. By the end of the shoot the photographer (who was so super nice) and I were sweating from working so hard trying to get a good photo of him.
He's also been teething really badly the past two days.
While the cool mom and I were waiting for the photo shoot portion, an actor came by and said "I just NEEDED to tell you both that your babies are SO cute!!!". It made me feel a little more relaxed then I was before.
When I entered the building my gut was in my throat- I haven't been this nervous since my first few auditions- but then I put my mind at ease, realizing it's no big deal. It's JUST an audition.
I really should of gotten the cool mom's phone number- but I was embarrassed. It's hard meeting cool moms that I have things in common with. Really hard.
Maybe next time I'll have the courage.
Overall the audition went O.K. not great but not horrible.
Oh well hopefully more auditions to come.

Stay tuned- for the many adventures of LEVI!!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Violet went to the doctor today. She's going to be on a low dose of antibiotics for awhile. She now has to go to a urologist- because she could have a condition called urinary reflux, which can eventually lead to kidney failure, if not treated. Oh my- never ever a dull moment. Today she had many many tantrums, since she's been off antibiotics for two weeks. While she's on the medication she's amazing! She can do so many things- and get this- NO tantrums. I'll be posting a video soon of her- putting numbers in order- she knows how to sequence them from 1-10- on her own. It's crazy!
She also can solve difficult puzzles very easily. It's her thing.
So when she's off the medication- she's freaking out, tantruming, her stomach hurts, she doesn't eat as much, in other words- it's BAD. I'm exhausted.
Today she cried a lot in school, and continued when she got home, then threw up her allergy medication, and THEN went to the doctor. It was a rough freaking day.
But after the doctor, we went straight to the sensory gym- and she was finally happy.
I finally got my insurance back- and scheduled the heart doctor, as well as many other visits. Thank GOD! I'm so relieved.
Levi was signed with my modeling agency awhile ago and now is beginning to get castings. The modeling world won't effect him badly right now- he's a baby. Me, on the other hand, gets a punch to the stomach with every rejection I get- which are plenty.
So busy weeks ahead. Oh yeah, and I have plenty of special Preschool tours to go on this month, since Violet is turning 3 in May and Early Intervention only goes up to age 3. I'm tired- my body is tired. My mind is tired. Hopefully things will be getting easier soon.
I hope.

More to come...

Monday, March 1, 2010

My head hurts.

Thank goodness my weave was ridiculously cheap because I could only stand two weeks of it. Dave and I took it out tonight and it took us two hours.
I didn't have the money nor patience to go back to the ghetto salon.
My head hurts so badly- from the tugging, and the scratching of my scalp afterwards. It felt obscenely good at the time- not so much now.
While I'm washing out whatever was left of my hair ( half went down the drain- no joke) Kayla comes in.
Earlier Dave brought the camera into the bathroom to take photos of my hair when we were finally finished taking out the weave. To my surprise- he didn't put the camera back where it belonged.
So Kayla comes in and CRASH!!!!!! There goes my camera.
I didn't yell or even get upset. Now remember I use my camera every single day. It's a big part of my life and happiness. It's my Nikon D200, my baby.
I didn't blame Kayla because it wasn't her fault, it wasn't even Dave's fault either really. It was an accident and these things happen. Especially in my house.
She felt horrible- I felt bad- I didn't want her to be upset, it wasn't her fault.
In the meantime- my kids needed to have dinner- the lasagna is in the oven, things needed to get done.
Dave was taking a second nap at the time, I then woke him up, so finally we get the kids feed, bathed, and off to bed. We eat dinner finally- it was good, very yummy.
Then Dave goes right back to bed, and I go cut my sister's hair.
By the way, did I mention that I had a horribly sleepless night. My thoughts were racing ( a big MANIC trait), even though I didn't feel particularly manic.
Hopefully tonight will be better, I hope.
I'm not getting another weave for quite awhile, that's for sure.
Now to think about what's my next hair project...

More to come...