Sunday, June 27, 2010

So very lucky

There are so many times in the day that my kids make me smile. I've realized nothing in this entire world makes me as happy as my babies make me. They make me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Yes, even with all my financial woes and whatnot, I feel blessed every single day I get to spend with my kids.
Just hugging them makes me feel like everything's going to be okay. Before I had my kids, everyday I was seeking stimulation of some sort, being bipolar and all. I was always bored and constantly got into trouble. Now I don't feel that need anymore.
On Saturday I took Lee and Vi to the sprinklers. It was Lee's first time! He LOVED it so much. He was smiling and laughing. Violet didn't love it as much as Levi, but she didn't hate it. Kayla put Vi on her shoulders and ran through the sprinklers- it was hilarious! Days like Saturday, remind me how different my life is now. It's better for sure.
I was never ever "whole" before. Now I feel like my heart is so filled with love, that it's overflowing. Yes, kids cause chaos- all the time. But even in the midst of insanity and destruction- if my kids flash an Innocent smile to me- all is good and makes complete sense again.
I know this post sounds all mushy and shit- which really isn't me. But when it comes to my kids- I'm total and complete mush. All kisses and hugs all day long.
So this blog post might be too much love for you guys- but this barely expresses the wonderful feelings I have for my children.

So- just deal with it;)

Kisses Bitches!!!
Make sure to show love to the people you care about-NOW!!!
*photo of my son in his new hat, on the way to the sprinklers.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I feel like I'm living at the doctor's office nowadays. My kids are not well most of the time, as am I- so we know all the nurses and all the doctors at numerous offices now.
I'm on the phone with a doctor almost everyday- scheduling appointments and such.
Yesterday I took my daughter to the doctors, then came home and went to another doctor's appointment for myself.
I was running around yesterday all over town!
I'm still trying to schedule a sonogram for my daughter of her kidneys because the doctor feels she has a problem. I've faxed over AND emailed her referral for this damn sonogram multiple times- each time they say they never received it. Violet's doctor is on my back about scheduling this appointment because he's afraid of Violet having kidney failure. That's why she's on daily antibiotics- to keep her kidneys clean and healthy. Finally I just gave her doctor the fax number and phone number for him to do it himself. I thought maybe, just maybe he'd have better luck than me.
I like that I finally have a relationship with my kids' doctor. Before this doctor, we saw several doctors, all not remembering who the fuck we were most of the time.
This doctor has us on speed dial! And he actually listens to me and trusts me when I say something is wrong. Which most doctors tend not to believe.
Most days we have two doctors appointments to go to- for the exception of today- phew! Finally one day with no appointments other than my kids' therapies. Violet has been imitating more sounds lately, which is GREAT!
Last night Violet and Dave had a roaring contest! Obviously Dave won, but Violet came close!
It's so funny to hear Violet, my three year old daughter, roar! Both Levi and Violet have a new speech and physical therapist. I'm very excited about speech, because I'll be learning several new signs to do with both Lee and Vi. I've always wanted to learn sign language- especially since both my parents are hard of hearing- and we've all been making up our own sign language to communicate with each other for a long time now. It's pretty hilarious!
I started Violet with sign language when she was three months old, but it never took. She does a few signs now, but I'm hoping with this new therapist, Lee and Vi will learn how to communicate better. It's always a guessing game as to what they want- it'll be nice to have to guess less and know more. Besides all our financial and health woes- these are very exciting times. Violet has come a very long way- and is progressing very nicely. I can't wait to see Lee do the same.
Early Intervention has helped my family so very much- I will be forever grateful to them for all their help. Besides the therapists, our early intervention social worker is amazing. These wonderful people have become part of my family and they will always be welcome in my home.
Therapists are always stunned by me when we're in the playground with Violet. She can be a little aggressive with kids when she wants them to hurry up the stairs on down the slide- and the parents of the child my daughter just pushed always- I mean always- gives me a dirty, stank look. As if to say I can't control my child- to which I have now learned to matter of factly reply- "She's autistic, Okay?!". Instead of apologizing over and over again, because I know my daughter didn't mean any harm.
The look on the parents face is always priceless- because then they have no clue what to say to me- they don't know to say " I'm sorry to hear that" or "I understand" or "I have no idea what to say because I'm an asshole, and only see my child once a week and my child doesn't even call my mommy. So who am I to say anything to you about your parenting skills".
You know something like that. The therapists are always shocked because I say this without even blinking. I'm not embarrassed by any means of Violet being autistic, and I plan to raise her to never ever feel she should be ashamed of this. Actually I want her to be open and up front about it at all times. Fuck people's reactions. She's special, and a truly wonderfully sweet, kind , beautiful girl- that just so happens to be autistic. Which I feel makes her even more unique and even more lovable.
That's probably why I'm so upfront about myself being bipolar. It makes me...ME.
And totally unique in every way. Fuck people's thoughts, ideas or misconceptions- I learned a long long time ago, not to give a damn. And being more open about myself and made me more comfortable in my own skin. I want the same for my kids.
Anyways- that's my rant for the day.

Kisses to my special bitches!
*photo found on one of Dave's late night hunts for funny photos on the internet.

Monday, June 21, 2010

So Crazy

I'm a fan of The Secret ( the book/movie) on facebook, and get updates from them occasionally.
Today's update said to live your life like what you want or wish for WILL happen. Like when you order something from a catalog- you expect it to come- so we should expect our thoughts and wishes to come true as well- as if we ordered them from a catalog.
While on my way to Walgreen's (one of my favorite stores) to buy Levi formula, I glanced at my reflection in a window and was like "DAMNNNNNNNNNN! What the fuck is going on with my hair?!?"
When I get to Walgreen's I asked a saleswoman for assistance. BTW I know almost everyone that works there- and chat with them all the time. So this woman I'd see frequently, but she never talked to me...until today. She asks if I was growing my hair out- to which I replied "Yes." I was surprised she was talking to me. She then replied "I don't think you should, I like it way better very short." This caught me totally off guard. She had long beautiful curly hair- not someone I'd expect to like super short hair at all.
I said "Wow- I was JUST thinking about what to do with my hair. Thanks so much!"
See how certain questions or thoughts get answered right away- and others take so long.
I wish this would work for me to win the lotto. Come on LOTTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So who knows what will happen? I'm just gonna live my life like I already ordered it from a catalog.
Now let's see what I'll order....hmmmm....

Kisses Bitches!!! Go ahead and order already!!!!
*photo of my hair super short ( from a couple of months ago)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Fuck ass tired

It's been a few days since I stopped Geodon. I'm so exhausted. Then again I was tired before I stopped the medication.
But now it's father's day, and I'm exhausted and cranky! FUCK!
I haven't been sleeping well at night, the kids have been nuts.
And I'm just in a bad mood. Especially since I have so much to do to get the house ready for painting tomorrow. Painting that shouldn't be done. Instead REPAIRS are what need to be done, not painting.
I've had company over the past two days and I LOVE having people over- but something's not right with me. I'm not my old cheerful self that's for sure. And I'm having a hard time enjoying things and putting a smile on my face.
I don't think geodon's all to blame. I think it's mostly just me.
I didn't even make Dave or my dad a card for father's day yet. I feel like a terrible wife right now. I'm just so frustrated at the moment, with everything's that has been going on with my health and the apartment. I will make a card as soon as I'm done with this blog.
For every birthday or anniversary or special day I make a collage of photos as a card for Dave.
We hate buying cards- it's such a waste of money and it really means nothing because it was bought. That why we make each other things. Plus I did buy him two gifts at the beginning of the month- because I knew I'd have no money by the time father's day came around.
I didn't have to be psychic to know that for sure. I'm planning on turning around today- and make it great for Dave. I'm not sure how- but I gotta try.
Where's caffeine when I need it?!? Thanks for listening to my stupid rant.
Big hugs to all the proud Papas out there!
And of course- as always- kisses to my bitches!!! Make today great!!!
*photo is of both Dave and my hands on my pregnant belly (6 months preggers with our son Levi)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

First day

I spoke with my psychiatrist yesterday and we both decided it was time to try to get off one of my favorite medications of all time- Geodon.
As you all know, I've been very ill lately. I also have an irregular heartbeat- which might be worsening from long term use of Geodon.
Last night was the first night without any- in SEVEN years!!!! didn't go so well. I was paranoid all night long and had to take benadryl to calm my mind and get me to sleep.
I know it had to be done. I hope it helps my heart by being off this medication finally.
Don't worry- I'm not off all my medications- just Geodon.
I warned Dave beforehand- be prepared for ANYTHING! He's scared. I am a little bit too, but I feel this is the right time for me to get off it. On all my other medications- which aren't many anymore- it's all very very low dose. I found that when my medications were high, I went bat shit fucking nuts!
So yeah....only low dose from now on. I have an emergency doctor's appointment today in the evening because of how very ill I've been feeling.
Let's hope the doctor spends more than 15 minutes with me, rushing me out and not hearing a word I say.
Let's hope.
I'm tired and a wee bit OFF, today. I hope this gets better instead of worse.
I was stuck on the couch ALL freaking day yesterday. I felt so ill. I hate not being able to move- and do the things I need to do. I did push myself to make dinner last night so I could accomplish something yesterday and not feel completely useless.
Wish me luck at the doctor today.

Love you all!
And kisses to all my crazy bitches out there!!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Getting Sicker and Sicker.

Lately I've been so ill. We're pretty sure it's my thyroid, but we're not positive.I've been dizzy, nauseous, and near fainting and extremely tired all day long. I even napped on the weekend- which if you know me- I hate doing. It totally throws off my day.
I hate this. It gets in the way of things I need to be doing. I feel imprisoned by my own body. I haven't been able to work out or anything. This sucks!
Violet's been ill, and crying all night long for the past few nights. She's on a new medication to help her sleep- but it's done the opposite of that- we're going to stop giving it to her. I feel so bad for my baby girl.
Everything's going to shit here- and I'm trying to stay on top of everything. Plus I'm cutting down on my medications because one of them- that I've been on for seven years- might be causing some of my heart problems! I'm so nervous- my body doesn't know how to survive without this medication anymore- I'm trying to train it to do so- but it's difficult.
Dave went to the doctor yesterday and was put on blood pressure medication, because his blood pressure has been consistently high. I'm worried about him. Plus he has to lose weight AND lower his blood pressure in the next few weeks- to show the doctor he can control his blood pressure by losing weight. Dieting is very stressful, I know- I mean I've been to several eating disorder clinics in my lifetime, and was near killing myself several times due to starvation- so dieting is not my specialty to say the least. It's difficult watching Dave not take care of himself. I know he's trying, but it's so hard. I make healthy dinners, but I cannot be in control of everything he eats all the time. I don't want that job, I don't want to be the "bad guy" or the "food police" all the time. Dave has been lifting weights at night, which I'm very proud of. He even tried to do a work out video with me one night- he lasted five minutes- but those five minutes were rigorous! He has to take little baby steps when excercising so he doesn't give himself a heart attack! Eventually I want to trying running. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. But obviously can't right now- Dave is so worried about me- he won't let me do any physical activity as of late. I hope my luck will change for the better really soon.

Love you all!
Kisses my darling Bitches!

Saturday, June 12, 2010


My view on this subject is complicated, for obvious reasons. Not every doctor agrees on how we define autism or what causes it but they do agree that Autism is "activated" by trauma, or an attack on the immune system- That's what vaccines are, attacks on the immune system. They attack the immune system. Now add in genes, that possibly a child is predisposed to having autism but was showing no signs of autism until a certain vaccination.
I HATE when people- who OBVIOUSLY don't have autistic children, especially doctors who are PAID by the vaccination companies- say vaccines DO NOT cause autism.
It's the most ridiculous, ignorant thing to say, in my opinion.
And it's almost always doctors. Why, you ask?
Because they feel EVERY piece of research they read is true. But they never really RESEARCH anything FULLY- just half way- or anything that proves their case.
ARGH! This infuriates me so much.
As you all know my daughter is autistic. A very very old friend of mine- stated on facebook- "genes NOT vaccines"- meaning genes NOT vaccines are the cause of autism. There are quite a few things this person WON'T learn from a fucking book-
1- EVERY single parent of an autistic kid- thinks what they could have done differently- and how they caused their child's autism. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
2- NONE of these doctors have seen the change before their own eyes- and the ones that have- SWEAR that vaccines can possibly cause autism.
Until you SEE the change in your own child- from day one- after receiving the vaccination- you should shut the fuck up- because you should be thankful you've never seen such a change.
I still remember like it was yesterday the day the nurses held my child down to receive FIVE vaccinations- because the doctor wouldn't let me go without doing this.
I still see that moment in my head- it haunts me- if I could go back in time- I would YANK my daughter away from this horrid stupid stupid doctor! Before the vaccinations she called me "mama" and her daddy "dada". when she went poop- she said "ca-ca" she would laugh and clap and was hitting every milestone really really EARLY- she was astounding! From the moment the vaccinations were given I noticed a big change. She had a fever for two weeks and got very very ill. She couldn't clap anymore or call me "mama" EVERYTHING she had learned was GONE- just like that.
TWO YEARS LATER- I'm still working on getting my daughter to say "mama!". She is my baby- and no matter what- I will never stop fighting to be able to communicate with my daughter.
Just because I believe vaccines play a part in autism, doesn't mean I believe genes have nothing to do with it. If fact I believe they have a lot to do with it- but NOT EVERY CASE.
My daughter has many autistic friends- most DIRECTLY caused by the vaccinations.
Some of these kids are daughters and sons of ...get this...DOCTORS!
And not one of those doctors believe vaccinations had nothing to do with it.
I believe my daughter was effected environmentally- and people that believe it's just genes- are just plain STUPID.
For example- Amanda Peet, the untalented actress, has a "normal" child and stated people that don't get their children vaccinated are "parasites!" What an Idiot.
First of all, people that have been affected by vaccinations, still give vaccinations to their younger siblings- but usually more spaced apart, and over a longer period of time. Which truly is the SMARTER choice- and I recommend it to every single pregnant woman I know.
Aside from the issue of autism, a big pet peeve of mine is people who take in a little bit of information and then consider themselves experts!
Like assholes that read Michael Crichton!!! I've met doctors like this several times! Professionals who will never admit that they have reached the limit of their knowledge and education and no longer have any idea what the fuck they're talking about.

Don't be one of these douche bags!

If you don't know...SHUT UP!

And if you THINK you know...SHUT UP.

Kisses to all the beloved parents of autistic children out there- I'm here for you!
P.S.- I've had my daughter genetically tested- and all I found out is that she can take a lot of pain!

Violet has come so far!!! She said "ball" and "go" for the first time- both at the playground the other day! She also says "WEEEEEEEEE!" when going down the slide!

It's exciting times!!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Bargain shopping

Some of my favorite words put together- bargain and shopping!
This is what I do day in and out. I LOVE shopping but as you all know I'm poor poor poor.
I'm in LOVE with fashion- I grow more and more fond of it with every passing day. I feel my style has also gotten better with age. I've tried every look imaginable.
I'm always up to date with style- I love watching fashion shows via videofashion daily.
There are a few rules I follow when shopping-
1-never ever pay more than $19.99 for one item- ever! Unless it's Men's clothes- then under $24.99 ;)
Every chic article of clothing I wear I bought for under $19.99
Most are $10.
I'm also learning to accessorize!
2- Clothes that FIT well- are key! David sews- so if I need something hemmed, or taken in- he helps. I would love to learn to sew!!!
Men seem to think they don't need to buy clothes that fit- but a proper tailored suit- is worth a million dollars- even if you got it on clearance.
3- ALWAYS look for promo codes! ALWAYS!
Never ever buy online without looking for a promo code. Most are easy to find.
Except for Victoria's Secret promo codes- those are a pain in the fucking ass! If you've ordered from them online- then you know what I mean. Always sign up for special offers and promotions. This includes food items as well.
4-Just because something is in fashion- doesn't mean it'll look good on everyone or that it should be in fashion in the first place. Like this whole floral pattern fad- yes some look nice- but MOST look atrocious and tacky.
5- NEVER EVER pay full price for any item- UNLESS- it's done by a small business- then by all means support the working man- or woman. Always shop what's on sale.
6- The item of clothing or accessory- should be able to be worn with different outfits.
7- Simple is ALWAYS better. Too many patterns or colors, or accessories- looks tacky and distasteful.
8- A belt is almost always a good idea.
9- Never be afraid to ask someone where they got what they're wearing.
10- Whatever you buy, make sure you can walk AND sit in it.
I'll leave it here, and return if there're any rules I remember.

Kisses to my shopping Diva bitches.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Well...court went okay. Not perfect- but the judge definitely ruled in our favor.
No, we haven't gotten a buyout yet- and this case might have to go to trial due to the severity of this case.
I bought photos with me of the damages in my apartment- the judge was mortified by these images.
It's serious shit!
Hopefully I will get a call sometime soon- with a great buyout offer- so that we can get the fuck out of here.
Both my kids and I are getting sick yet again.
I hope I get the buyout offer- before the construction starts in my apartment in two weeks!!! I'm nervous. And they're not putting us somewhere else while the construction goes on because they're probably just going to paint over the problem areas instead of fixing them- which then leads to another lawsuit.
I've been cycling badly due to all the stress I've been going through lately.
I feel in a fog most of the day- and especially at night. I don't know if it's because of my blood pressure or what- but I don't like this feeling.
I can't wait to get out of here- and hopefully soon.
I'll keep you updated.

Thanks for all the support!!!
I Love you guys and gals!!!

Kisses my darling Bitches!!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Awaiting what tomorrow will bring

Tomorrow morning I got to court for the millionth time. I anxiously await what will happen.
Violet is getting SICK AGAIN, surprise surprise. There's nothing I can do to stop this from happening while we're here in this apartment. I trying to stay positive and not be frustrated at the moment. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I hope tomorrow's the day G-d answers my prayers. I hope I hope I hope. I pray I pray I pray!
Levi will be getting early intervention services very soon, since he is developmentally delayed.
I've been having a really hard time dealing with stress. It's hard enough as a "regular" person, even harder as a bipolar. I've been trying to laugh more and not freak out as often. Trying to control my insanity when all it wants is to be let lose. And that CAN'T happen- I won't let it.
On a good note- I did make an amazing "leftovers" dinner. Dave made B.A.M (big ass meatballs) last night- so I heated them in a wine sauce and on the side creamy mashed potatoes and sauteed zucchini and broccoli. YUM!
It made me feel good to have everyone enjoy dinner so very much. I also cleaned today- which I tend to do a lot of when I'm stressed.
I feel like I'm clearing the clutter in my life. Getting things OUT of this apartment.
This week I have more clothing donations to make to the church that helps me out a lot.
They GIVE canned food and clothes to those who need it, instead of selling donations- like Salvation Army and other "charities" do. This DOES NOT help the poor people that desperately NEED these items. Salvation Army overprices many items- just so the people that work there- can take it home for free!
This church continues to help my family and I with giving us canned goods when we need it.
I'm so glad I have this opportunity to give back to this church and help others like me.
Tomorrow is on it's way- I'm going be dreaming of good things- so it can happen for me tomorrow.
I'll let you know what happens.

Love you all!!!
Kisses my darling Bitches!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This coming Monday...

This coming Monday- my fate will be decided.
Monday I go to court- for the third time and yet again, without a lawyer.
I'm asking the judge for a settlement- a way out of my apartment.
Hopefully their lawyer can talk to them right then and there- and make us an offer.
Only two days after stopping antibiotics- I'm sick again! My throat hurts so badly.
I had to make a stand- this time- no more waiting for the landlord to make a move- I'm getting out and that's final. All that needs to be decided is how much we're getting.
I don't expect a lot- just enough to afford a move. I, most probably, won't be staying in the city because I can't afford to stay here; it's too expensive. Most likely we will be moving to Florida, near Dave's family.
I'm so depressed. Actually not as depressed as I could be- because my doctor has upped my medications. So yes, I'm in a daze and saddened by all the shit that's been happening to us- but that's way better than spiralling down a deep depression. My parents are really stressed out- and I'm worried about them.
My family comes first, and always before money. No amount of money is worth my children being sick all the time.
Dave has been looking for work, but no bites yet. He'll be looking for work in Florida soon.
Maybe I'll do photography again, for a living and put modeling aside for awhile.
I'd love to take children's photos or family portraits and maybe even some fashion shots as well.
Though female models- are a pain in the ass. I've always preferred male models- they're usually bursting with personality.
I used to take my male models out for a drink before a shoot to help them relax, because they were always nervous. This would always lead to a great and fun shoot. I've kept friendships with many of them.
I even had a beer- with one of them because I thought it would put him at ease. I don't usually drink beer- ever since I was sixteen years old and got FUCKED up on two 40 oz. beers I drank in fifteen minutes! This happened because my boy Marco, told me to do so. It was actually quite brilliant on his part- because I couldn't go near beer for so many years. To this day, the taste of beer nauseates me. But I drank it that day-with my old favorite male model. And we ended up having a blast of a shoot.
Sorry, getting back on topic- Monday- if no more postponements occur- will probably change my life forever.
I will miss all of my friends and family in New York a lot. Especially my daughter's therapists- they've been so wonderful to us- and have become part of the family. And I see them everyday- so I'm close with most of them.
Hey maybe I'd have a going away party????!
Any reason for a party, is a good one for me.

Love you all for listening to me and for your support,
Kisses my wonderful bitches!
*photo taken by me-from that day's shoot. SO much fun!