Saturday, January 29, 2011


I have an appointment with a brand new heart doctor, Feb. 1st, and he specializes in the area of cardiology, I need!! Woohoo!
I saw a photo of him, he creeps me out a bit.
Then again, all doctors at this point and time give me the creeps.
I was looking for a female doctor- but with no luck.
So I swallowed my fear...pushed it way way way down- deep deep deep inside.
Hopefully I won't freak out in the office.
I noticed recently that I start getting really really irritated right before- my heart starts acting up.
Now I know what you're going to say- no it's not my temper that's creating the heart problems.
I feel like it's my only warning sign- that I need to sit down.
I'm thankful that there is a warning sign.
Now this of course doesn't happen, when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, or when I'm relaxing in a bath- it comes on when it wants- wherever it FUCKING wants.
But I notice- if I'm say cooking breakfast and washing the dishes (at the same time), while straightening up the kitchen...(Like I did this VERY MORNING)
and I start getting angry out of nowhere- really really upset- furious even-
When I have time to think, hey what exactly am I angry about???
My heart will start to beat irregular- or suddenly stop.
I won't be able to breathe very well- or even comfortably.
Just then I realized that my anger- was a sign.
Of course when I get upset my heart will start racing.
Like this morning- when my dad decided to have a ridiculous argument with me about recycling boxes!
He wanted to throw them out- and all I wanted to do was CUT THEM UP first!
But he started freaking out and screaming- leading to me screaming at how fucking insane he is.
Then screaming at my mom, because she just let him scream and curse everyone out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. SO MUCH.
And that's probably a huge reason why I get angry that she lets him treat her like crap.
He just an angry child!
And I still love him- because he's my father. ARGH!
Sometimes I wish I could just let go of my love for him and give up on him.
But I can't.
I spent about 5 hours cleaning the house, washing, sweeping, throwing out the garbage, scrubbing, etc etc etc.
That's how I deal with my anger.
Though this time- if ever, hopefully not, I have a near fatal heart attack- I WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I know, this will relieve a lot of my friends, who care about me. And THANK YOU for your concern. I LOVE you all.
I realized I was being ridiculous. My fear of hospitals IS BASED on near-death experiences- but I could totally understand if my kids never forgave me for not going to the hospital, if I ended up dying here in our home.
I hear recently that someone I (kinda) knew- or at least knew about- died on the way to the hospital, after being sick for quite awhile.

I won't let that happen to me.
At least I will try.
This morning's little heart issue- went away- and wasn't at all a big deal, compared to a few days ago.

That night- I just laid in bed, I don't plan on dying with regrets.
I used to regret everything I did when I was manic, and have nightmares, and beat myself up about it.
Not as much now. It made me who I am.

But if I had died that day, I realized I would regret not having written my book.
And not having told my kids, the life I lead, the experiences- good and bad- that happened to me.
I want them to know all about me- and have that book to go to- if and when I pass away.

I'm going to write my damn book already, even if I'm writing in a hospital bed!
This I swear not to you- but to myself- for myself.

That being said-
I'll sign off now.
Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember NO REGRETS!!!

*photo of me when I was about 2 years old.
I plan on having lots of photos on my book!!! This might be one of them.
I feel photos help tell a story- plus I'm a very visual person.


I will be posting blogs on this website, as well as photos, and maybe even some video!

I wanted to thank everyone for over 7,800 VIEWS thus far!!!

I big kiss to everyone!!!
Thank you so much- you are all SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!
I know I have the very best readers on the planet!!!!

I cannot thank everyone enough, for all the support, kindness and love.

I wish everyone the very best!

and as always...


*a photo collection from my new website. And yes...that is ME!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

My near fatal heart attack

Let me explain...
Yesterday I fucking faced death in the motherfucking eyes! And came out victorious!
Yes I did!
Take that DEATH!!!
Last night, I cooked dinner, did some laundry and then went to the sink to wash some dishes...
And that's when it happened.
I had no idea a glass cup was broken and it slit two of my fingers.
Not wide open...but there was definitely enough blood.
And my blood looked like water, even though I was felt dehydrated most of the day.
I went to show my sister and my father all the blood- while they were busy eating the dinner I had just made.
I usually LIVE for these moments where I can freak my sister out, with my blood. Blood freaks her out. I don't mind blood at all.
I asked for a band aid- the blood wasn't stopping.
My dad freaked out, and basically ran around in circles for awhile- why? I have no clue. But if you know my father, this makes PERFECT sense.
My mom was shouting at everyone to get me a cup of orange juice...I have no idea why.
It wasn't low blood sugar.
But she thought for some reason that orange juice would help me NOT DIE!
I asked my sister to go get David from the bedroom. And QUICK!
By the time he came in (only a minute of so later) I felt nauseous, like I was going to puke. And my body felt heavy. My arms and legs were in such horrible pain.
I felt Dizzy, hot, nauseous and like I was going to shit myself all at the exact fucking time!
Then came the horrible feeling of DOOM.
My sight was closing in, getting smaller and smaller, and all I could hear was mumbling, and I was panicked! Really panicked. I had no idea why.
I kept telling myself.."Serena Why are you feeling this way?!"
I felt my body and everything around my closing in and coming to an end.
I couldn't walk or even stand.
I kept telling Dave, "I don't feel good. I don't feel good."
He kept asking me "HOW?" But I couldn't answer.
I thought to myself right then and there-
"Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking die, and be one of those fucking people to puke and shit themselves when I have a heart attack. Oh that's just fucking great!"
And still didn't ask my family to call 911!
I wasn't going to die in a fucking hospital. If I was going to die- and it was my time. Then it would be in my home, NOT IN A FUCKING hospital.
We were able to stop the bleeding and put some band-aids on my fingers, no need for stitches. PHEW!
Dave helped me get to the bathroom,
and I was feeling a tiny bit better, I knew- I had basically just saved myself.
I had no clue how, or even why it worked.
I laid in the tub filled with lukewarm water, we were out of hot water due to the washing machine (it hogs all the freaking hot water!GRRRR!)
I was in horrible pain, in both my arms and legs.
While limping to the bathroom, I felt like I had freaking broke my right foot.
I had no idea how? I didn't hurt my right foot. This confused me a lot.
My fingers ached- but didn't hurt.
I felt like I had just got into a fist fight and fucking LOST!
But I knew I was going to be okay, somehow.
When I was able to get out of the tub and come back into the living room, where my family was- I realized- I'm living in the fucking twilight zone!
My  entire family- was acting like nothing just happened!!!
My mom started complaining about the dinner I cooked, and how she wasn't in the mood for spinach.
Oh yea..and WHY was I cleaning her bedroom sheets?!
All I could think was...IS EVERYONE FUCKING NUTS??!

Am I in hell?? Did I just die?
What's wrong with my fucking family??!!!

But this is how my family handles things- pretend like nothing fucking happened.
OR they spiral into a deep depression.
Yeah- there's only two choices apparently.

I explained to my mom- "listen I almost just fucking died- and your complaining about DINNER?! and your sheets?!"
Are you all FUCKING WITH ME?!!!!

My mom responding, by laughter, like I was fucking making a joke of some sort.
And told me "I was just trying to get your mind off it".
At this point I'm angry. Really angry.
I felt "What the fuck is wrong with everyone?!"
Can nobody handle anything properly???

After I regained my appetite for awhile, I ate some food, the entire time, not believing what actually JUST fucking occurred!
A doctor I've been talking to, explained to me, that I probably have an electrical problem with my heart and need to see an electrical cardiologist.
Pace maker???! Who knows.
I probably went into a type of shock that confused my heart- hence the heart attack-like symptoms.
Oh lucky me, right?!
I was so exhausted after the whole incident, the kids were now in their cribs and falling asleep.
I asked Dave, "What the hell? Why is my family reacting like this?!"
He explained that because I didn't go to the hospital, they don't take me seriously.
His exact words:
"What they don't realize, is that you would gladly just die right here, even if your arm was chopped off, then ever ever EVER go to the hospital."

And he's right. I am an extremist when it comes to such things.
I feel people go to a hospital to DIE- not KEEP from dying.

I felt weirdly accomplished though, despite the near fatal heart attack.
I faced death! And came out ALIVE.
How? I don't know. Why it worked? I have no idea!
Was I afraid of dying? NEVER. Hence my suicidal tendencies.
I guess God, was telling me, that wasn't my time-
last night- and that I have a lot more to accomplish on earth but I croak.

And for that, I'm thankful.
I don't feel confident in the caring for my children, if and when I pass away.
I NEED to know, they will be taken great care of-
And I don't feel that confident just yet.

So...Thanks God! Two Thumbs UP!
I guess I'm a lot more powerful, than I give myself credit for.
I man, I fucking WON the fight!
How many people can say that, right?!

My search for a great electrical cardiologist continues.
My SAGA continues.

Kisses Bitches!!!

* photo of DEATH from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (I love this movie)

BTW- Dave says If he ever died before me, he gives me permission to go ahead and marry Keanu.
This makes me laugh.
Because Keanu is WAY too cool and all around awesome, to like me, this I'm sure of.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Generation Z

Generation Z: "Net Generation" is a common name for the generation of people born between the early 1990s and the early 2010s.

I feel people have NO clue how to talk face to face anymore.
I KNOW how to talk to people face-to-face.
How to Start and END conversations and how to be personable.
THIS what is Generation Z truly LACKS in all respects.
My new neighborhood, I've only been here for about 2 months.
All the cashiers, and workers in the area are teenagers...and ALL know about nothing about face-to-face interactions.
They are ALL so awkward!!!
What the heck happened???
hummm...let me think.
I grew up before text messaging, before cell phones were in every persons hand- whether poor or rich.
Man, I sound OLD, right?!
Actually I'm turning 30 next month.
I'm still in my twenties..for the moment.
I like to talk- I'm told I usually ...what's their exact words??? oh yea...I don't "shut the fuck up?!" Yeah...that's it.
I fear for my kids growing up.
Where nothing seems to be said face-to-face anymore.
I feel this is a land of lack!
Yes, Generation Z is SO much "greener" than we ever were.
I'm trying to be "green"- well greener than I used to be, at least.
Originally- "being green" was just for the rich.
I have frequented the food stamps, medicaid and WIC offices-
noone there can "afford" to be green.
Now it's definitely easier and cheaper to be green, but it wasn't, say ...even a year ago.
Being green- was strictly for the rich.
Poor people couldn't afford organic food or buy organic clothes and such.
Now organic food is more affordable and even accessible to the poor..
I AM one of the "poor".
No, I'm not upper, or even middle class.
I'm okay with that for now. I usually don't understand or even get along with the middle or upper class.
We never seem to see "eye-to-eye" in anything.
They usually think I'm filth anyways. So I don't care that I don't fit in with them.
Anyways- back to my original point-
I try to start conversations with the workers in my neighborhood.
All of them look at me with this blank- far away stare.
I'd like to call it- "the thousand mile stare"
They're never quite- HERE! in the present.
They're always thinking..What am I gonna text next??? Or What should I put as my next status?
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE a point.
I love that most technology is available for all class groups. Easily accessible.
That's great!
I'm thankful I can write this blog- and connect with my friends every single day.
I'm very grateful for such things.
But no computer or any technology, for me at least, beats any kind of face-to-face experiences. Never EVER!
I think I'm going to have to teach my children how to interact with people, put aside their diagnoses (P.D.D.), this is what's going to have to happen- across the board.
ALL teenagers are now socially-awkward!!!
ALL of them!!!
That's really scary to me. That they have no idea what to say or do when they are face-to-face.
People are completely different online. More ballsy, funnier, more upfront.
Not in person.
Never "talk" one way online- and another face-to-face.
I don't use LOL, or LMAO- I don't say this in person.
I'm not a fucking TEXT!
When I laugh- I type ha ha ha.
The SOUND of laughter.
This is not a judgement on you- if you type LOL, or LMAO-
I love all my friends- regardless of how they type.
But the people I call my friends- are the same people online and OFF!
That's the way WE were taught.
Generation Z- has no idea how to even DATE!!!
That's terrifying!!!
People sound totally different online. They sound funny or even charming. But in person- it's really hard to watch.
I think I have to teach my husband how to talk to people face-to-face again.
Dave has been for a very long time, anti-social.
Don't get me wrong, he LOVES people. TRULY! (Dave writing: NO I fucking DON'T!)
He's brilliant, and a very deep thought, kind of guy. But doesn't like to go out and see friends, or go to parties.
For some weird reason, I've always been attracted to "the socially awkward", not Generation Z, however.
They creep me out!
I always have to explain, what my boyfriend, or girlfriend, was trying to say.
Or that they did "like you", but they just don't know how to express themselves.
Most of my friends would think, my ex-girl or boy, thought they were superior to them. Totally not the case...but you get my point.
Dave LOVES technology. I always ask him..."Did you reach the END of the internet yet?!"
Because I truly believe people think this sometimes. And that's why they never "unplug" themselves.
I whole-heartily believe in "unplugging"
Everyone NEEDS to unplug themselves from time to time. Take a break from the Internet, your cellphone, your ipad, etc.
Maybe then- you'll realize there ARE PEOPLE outside!
People who LONG for real interactions- like physical touch!
My sister feels alone, because she'll start conversations with people, and they have NO clue how to respond.
Chatting is like a tennis match- it's a back and forth- not a solo game.
She is so smart and super funny, she's beautiful in every single way possible.
Yet she feels alone.
I blame this on the Generation of LACK!
Without human truly are living alone.
I believe my sister will find someone. Most probably they will be socially-awkward.
But she will teach them the ways of the warrior..I mean, the ways of human interactions...the "old" ways of yore.
You get what I'm saying, right?
People NEED to get off the computer...yes, please AFTER you read my blog *wink wink*
You need to unplug- even if it's just for a few days. I know GASP! A few days...okay maybe start with baby steps..a few minutes??? Then hours??? Then days??
Meet your neighbors! SAY HELLO!!! In person, not text!!!

The first step is the hardest! But it is the most important.
And then maybe you won't feel alone.
You'll see what your friends actually look like! Different from their facebook photos!!!

My kids..will be next.
They will not be..the generation of LACK. As long as I can teach them different.

Kisses Bitches- yes I kiss in person! Not just in text!!!

Say hello! Give a hug! Even a kiss!!! It's time to connect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go!!! DO!!!

*found this image on google. I feel this is VERY appropriate!

On a completely different note-
I had a dream last night-
I went to the doc ( one I've never seen before) I asked him what were the results of my recent blood test .
He told me "Normal".
I said "REALY?!!" happily.
He replied "Uhhh. NO!!!! OBVIOUSLY! Your thyroid is through the roof."
I responded " OH! Uhhh.. I heard these symptoms could mean I have M.S. (Multiple sclerosis)."
He then said "That IS a possibilty".

What the FRIGGITY FUCK?!!!

P.P.S.- Yesterday I found out one of my beloved cousins, in Israel, passed away. This is very upseting news.
I hope he Rests in Peace. We are all thinking about you Arik.
You will be greatly missed.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Burning Bush

Sorry it's been a few days-
Since my last blog post-

Levi is now bald. I was cutting his hair with a pair of haircutting scissors...then decided to use the buzzer, because cutting my son's hair- AIN'T easy! he's bald.

Violet is sick with a fever of 102- and above.

Things are a wee bit hectic.
So hectic in fact...
that my sister's va-jay-jay was set on fire.
Let me explain.
Funny story actually.

She was on the toilet, when she lit a match...not smoking (she's a straight edger for now).
And dropped it in the toilet- while she was STILL on it!
She dropped it and heard a sizzle,..and made a spark (snap crackle and pop)!
She realized her bushido was on fire!

When she relayed the story to dave and I- we were dying and crying laughing so hard!
And then we came up with a thousand and one- comebacks...
These are gross BTW...but FUNNY!

1- Did you blow it out and make a wish??? (I wish for a scholarship to Art College! *pouf!*)
2- After the burning bush spoke to you...did you free the slaves in Egypt??
3- Hey, who wants Tempura?!
4- Did God then show you the Ten Commandments? ( my mom said this!!!)
5- Hey, smells like a Dominican hair salon in here! (BTW I LOVE ME some Dominican hair salons!!!)
6- Due to fire damage...the bakery is closed!
7- "It's like God said...Shave your CAT!" (my sister said this! That's how fucking cool she is, bitches!)

There were so many that followed... but that was last night...and we totally forgot them all.
After the blurry night that followed- both my kids didn't want to sleep! At all!!!! We are lucky we remember our names!

BTW- she gave me permission to share this story- because SHE IS THAT FUCKING AWESOME...and you're not! Unless you prove yourself to me!

Kisses Bitches!!!

P.S.- She's okay. My sister's lil fire crotch!

If you have any other good/hilarious comments to follow...please feel free to list them!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

a few days later...

Hey everyone- it's been a few days.
Sorry for the wait.
My mood is very up and down.
The other day when I wrote my blog- I was really in a bad place.
I fought with my everyone in my house that day.
Kind of "bursting the bubble".
I felt my family wasn't being considerate at all, or even trying to understand me.
I was fighting with my mom a lot.
She was really angry at me- for not saying anything to the doctor- not protesting, or getting upset.
I couldn't explain to her- what thoughts were going through my mind at the time. Or how I was feeling.
Unless you've been in that kind of situation- you wouldn't understand.
I hate "shoulda, woulda, couldas". Meaning-" If I were you, I would've done ______ , or you should've done ______ or I could've said ______" fill in the blanks.
Saying this doesn't help ANYONE!
Unless you area FUCKING time traveller!!!
It doesn't do any kind of good to tell people what they could've done instead of what they did.
It's very frustrating.

My mom, later on that day- made peace with me. And decided to let me handle this the way I FEEL COMFORTABLE handling it.

The way I handle it- try not to think about it, pretend it didn't happen, or that it happened such a long long time ago- there's no point in thinking about it.
I was pretty happy Sunday. I went to Waldbaum's for the first time- and freaking LOVED it!
All the fresh veggies and fruits and baked breads...yummmmmmmy!
I was happy.
That night I talked to my therapist.
About how I was feeling. She was proud of me for turning myself around.
She knew I was suicidal, and if it weren't for an invisible miracle of some sort- I wouldn't have made it to today.
I cannot speak of this miracle- because I'm not completely sure what actually happened.
Just a complete change of mindfulness, I guess.
Until Sunday night- when we were talking about what I was trying to ignore.
Yesterday was a bad day.
I was tired- I haven't been sleeping.
I've been falling asleep really early- passing out cold basically. Then from midnight on I've tossing and turning, in pain, having nightmares until about 6 a.m. when I can' take it anymore.
I'm exhausted.
I want to sleep but can't. Fun, right?!
Dave was going through caffeine withdrawal, really badly yesterday- as was my mom and dad. Everyone was really cranky and mean.
My dad is sick with a cold??? or sniffles??? I don't really know. He's just complaining like usual about anything and everything. My mom hasn't been herself. She's a bit hyper lately. Very hyper.

Other than that, I'm trying to think positive and move forward.

I'm tired of feeling pain and being sick. I'm going to try eating "better" again, and maybe even becoming a vegetarian or vegan again ( I was a vegetarian in the past, for many many years)
I'm willing to try anything at this point to get better.
And believe me this is very difficult since I basically live on cheeseburgers!
Don't worry - I'll still be having BBQs in the spring/summer at my house!
My parents still don't believe a meal is complete without some type of meat or poultry on their plate.
Plus I LOVE cooking!  And I'm finding lots of different ways to cook veggies, and grains.

Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!

BTW- Thank you to all my readers- for reading this crazy blog and always supporting me. You're all REALLY AWESOME!!

*found this photo on the net- I find it hilarious! It would be even more awesome if a person who wasn't a vegan by any means- got this tattooed!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Let's play catch-up, shall we?

I was supposed to go back to the doctor's office, not the sonogram technician, for a full stress test and to get hooked up with an event recorder.
For those who need a summary of things that have been happening-
I did lots and lots of harm to my body for many many years.
I've had health problems all my life-
practically lived in hospitals, doctor's offices for most of my life.
I've had MRIs, CATscans, every year for the past...I'd say 17 years of my life- no biggie.
This past year I've gotten really really ill.
My thyroid is off the fucking charts- I have both hyper- and hypo thyroid.
I've been on medication for it for over seven years- but this past year has been the worst.
The doctors can't control my thyroid, it changes every day practically- even though I'm not changing dosages, or any medications.
I've been to so many different specialists.
But I'm not having JUST thyroid problems. I've having chest pains, shortness of breath, my heart likes to, for no known reason- without warning- just fucking stop, fatigue, cramping, migraines, severe pain in my entire body like every fucking nerve in my body is on fire.
I have female problems- I've had biopsies, basically my entire body is going to SHIT!

And on top of everything- I'm fucking BIPOLAR.
Just thought I'd add that- because that's obviously nothing new. I thought thought it was funny.
I moved and had to find new and nearby doctors- because of my health problems- travel ain't so easy anymore.
I went to a nearby doctor's office, two days ago, had a million and two tests done- I'm practically glowing with radiation at this freaking point. I probably glow in the DARK!
I'm a fucking RAVE stick!
The ultrasound technician (a creepy man and NOT a doctor) touched me in ways- totally not professional and really really fucking icky.
I've been really depressed every since.

So NOW you all should be caught-up, at least mostly.
I was supposed to go back there today, the technician that violated me, not being present, and have a full stress test done.
I was panicked all day yesterday thinking about any of the doctors touching me to hook me up to any and all monitors.
Over all, I think I'm handling it better, than I possibly could be.
I didn't kill myself- so there's that, right?!

I woke up this morning in so much pain, in my chest and body.
I knew I wouldn't be able to fucking run on a fucking damn treadmill today.
So I asked Dave to cancel the appointment for me, because I couldn't even call them myself.
Yesterday we got the kids all bundled up to go out on our back patio to play in the snow.
I put on a happy face and took some photos of the kids.
But inside I just felt- bad.
In all sense of the word bad-
sick, disgusting, ugly, dirty - just really really gross.
I'm frustrated, I'm shaking, I just can't seem to regulate myself at all.

I wanted to grab a drink and smoke...color my hair, cut off my hair, or shave my head...get tattooed, go out at  night, stop eating, puke - do whatever I used to do to calm myself.
But then I realized I'm too fucking poor to have a fucking addiction right now.
Though to shave my head, I don't need money, nor the puking part- but Dave is trying to help me get through this- but NOT doing the things I'm used to doing- things are are practically engraved in my fucking DNA.
I don't like looking in the mirror at all right now.
I was feeling this way- before I went to the doctor- but not as severe. Now-
I'm just trying to be "present" for my kids.

So that's what's going on right now.
I've been getting a lot of requests to write my damn book already- and I did start it a few months ago. I seem to have a much easier time writing my blog, about the present- than writing about my past.

Anyways- I'll stop rambling now.

Kisses Bitches.

* photo from the web- "PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) clarinet boy" (I'm a geek- HELLLOOOO!)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Happy Evil bad luck devil fortune!!

Dave opened a fortune cookie for me saying "I'm gonna open this fortune cookie for you, things gotta get better now, right?!"
I yelled at him "Don't say that!!!! Are you crazy?!!!!

I scanned the fucking fortune-
This is what it said.

Thank goodness I have any sense of humor left, whatsoever!
Thank GOD!!!!

Kisses Bitches!

BTW this fortune was opened at 11:11 pm on 1/11/11.
Creepy, eh?

This day will go down in history..

my history of course, as one of the worst fucking days EVER!
I went to see several doctors today- all in one place.
I had FOUR sonograms done, 12 x-rays, I was there for over five fucking HOURS!
But this- is not what made the day so unbelievably fucking horrible.
I had a strange creepy guy- do the sonogram.
Never ever had a guy sonogram technician- always female.
And for good reason.
I should've known the fucking second I walked into this doctors office, that every fucking doctor there would be seeing me naked. I should've known. Seriously.
Naked is one thing, violated is another.
The first sonogram, was of my heart. I could tell this guy liked me- oh joy lucky fucking me.
Then sonogram of the thyroid.
All of it was painful.
Afterwards, technicians usually hand YOU the towels to wipe off the fucking goo- they put on you for the sonogram.
Not this guy...oh no not this guy.
He wiped it off my breast by himself. YUP!
And groped my boob.
At first I was gonna just laugh this off, as some crazy experience by a horny older guy.
By the way, Dave was in this room at the time- making sarcastic banter with this guy. Dave hated this guy from the minute their eyes met.
I wish he had let me know this. Maybe I would've left. Just maybe.
After EKG, blood tests galore and 12 X-rays- including chest, back, shoulders, arms you name it ( done by a woman- PHEW!)
Then they sent me back into the sonogram room- for yet...more...sonograms??

I asked him, if my husband had left or if he was still in the office.
He told me, Dave had left. I figured it was true because he had to be home to pick up Lee from the school bus.
The first was of my neck, the arteries and such...
Then came the "lower extremities" Is how he put it.
Hmmm? huh? what?
He needed to do a sonogram of my inner thigh to see if there was a blood clot.
And that's when I felt...when have I felt- this feeling this before????
He was breathing weird the entire time, taking long deep breaths.
Then lifted my panties- There was no need for this.
Though I said nothing. Just laid there.
I have been molested before, sadly. And people that have been through this before- will tell you it's not easy to say something or yell or scream- or protest.
I can't explain it. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's your mind going someplace far away and safe, pretending like it's not happening.
I don't know.
When he was done with the sonogram, he started getting the paper towels.
I took the paper towels from him, knowing what was going to happen next. And told him "I'll take it from here".
I went to the waiting room because they were gonna hook me up to an event recorder (24 heart monitor) and I still hadn't seen the heart doctor yet.
I saw David sitting there holding my coat, I ran to him.
I was shocked! I thought he had left!
He then told me he had to go home, to pick up Levi.
He asked me if I was okay. I anwsered "Yes".
While still trying to figure out what just happened.
Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Did I imagine this?
Like I was in a coma or something.
It was denial.

I saw the heart doctor, and he told me I have thyroid disease. What kind? We don't know yet.
He said I would have to come back Thursday for a thorough stress test.
Oh FUCK! I'm thinking great- I'm gonna drop dead right fucking there on the fucking treadmill. I don't FUCKING RUN!
My chest hurts so much I can barely breathe.
I was supposed to get hooked up for the event monitor afterwards- but I was kind of in a daze- a hungry, exhausted, what the fuck just happened- kinda daze.
I stepped outside- leaving without the event recorder- I was walking across the street to the bagel shop when I saw it was closed and quickly turned around to go back to the sidewalk- this took no longer than TWO FUCKING SECONDS!
And some crazy fucking chick driving- pokes her head out of her vehicle to scream at me "Get out of the fucking street asshole!!!"

I didn't scream back- because I knew I had the light, and I wasn't just hanging out in the middle of the street. I knew this bitch was fucking insane.
I tried to brush the whole fucking miserable day off.
I started feeling really depressed. Really really depressed.
Things like this- "regular" people don't handle very well-
but bipolars we try to kill ourselves. We don't "handle" anything correctly.
I thought some bad fucking thoughts while walking home.
I stopped by the pharmacy- and ended up buying a lottery ticket from the cashier. I told her " I've had such a shitty fucking day- something good has got to happen right?! Some luck?!
She just laughed and handed me the ticket.
I got home, obviously not feeling quite "myself".
I went straight to the bathroom, locked the door and took a long bath and cried.
I finally came into the living room, where Dave and Kayla were awaiting a diagnosis or something.
I had debated whether or not to tell Dave what happened.
I pictured Dave killing the technician and going to jail and then me visiting him in jail with my two kids.
This thought wouldn't seem very far-fetched if you knew Dave.
He knew something wasn't right and joked to me "What did the technician fondle you?" In a joking tone.
I just looked at him.
And he knew.
He started calling numbers- filing complaints.
I didn't want to do any of this- I didn't want to be interviewed and questioned.
I didn't want to think about it.
The question I've always always been asked, WHY, oh why didn't you say something?!
I don't have an answer. I can't explain why. I just... didn't.
Calls were made- and the technician won't be there Thursday when I go in there to die- I mean, take the stress tests and then get hooked up to the event recorder for 24 hours.
Dave asked me- What do I want to happen?
I have no clue- I wished today never happened, that's for sure.
What happens next, I don't know.
I'm shaking as I'm writing this- because it's a big big deal to me.
But I feel it should be shared- because women that have been through this need to know- I understand why they didn't speak out, shout or protest, I don't judge you at all.
I feel horrible for you- because I understand.
I cannot watch any movie, TV show, you name it that mentions a woman getting attacked- or even worse shows it.
Everyone thought I was so strange for this, that I took these things so personally- I would spiral every single time.
You have no idea how common it is in movies and t.v. shows now. To me- It's really really sickening. REALLY SICKENING. And completely unnecessary.
I especially HATE when men write stories, screenplays or whatnot about these things happening.
They have NO CLUE what it's like- so please SHUT THE FUCK UP.

So that was my miserable fucking day.
'Nuff said.

*no fucking photo needed.

I do send kisses to all my fellow female readers out there.

BTW- Did I mention my phone- went off for NO REASON after my first sonogram, playing the song "Fuck YOU 2" by Bif Naked! I have this song on my phone, Dave was holding it for me in my purse- and it just went off by itself!!!
I couldn't believe it. How fucking appropriate, right?!

New start?

I've been having a really shitty couple of days.
The night, before last, I was up all night with chest pain- intense chest pains- pain that went into my back I couldn't move, couldn't think, because I was in SO much pain.
And yet, still didn't let Dave call 911.

I really thought I might just fucking die that night.
And still I would rather be in my own fucking bed than in a hospital.
Call me psycho- I don't care- I've been called WAY worse.
Luckily I'm still FUCKING HERE, Bitches!

If you know me, you know that I don't fear pain. EVER.
I don't feel pain like normal people.
I've had my insides OPEN for months! After my C-section with Violet. I had gauze stuffed into me every single day for three months.
Now that's fucking pain.
It was like being stabbed, every fucking damn day for months.
Fun times. Fun times.
Then again, this is coming from me, the same person who, when I was younger- would run into doorknobs with my FACE, just for the fuck of it. I didn't feel pain.
I see how strange this is now, that I'm older- not much wiser though.
I always felt- "alien" to say the least.
I have an appointment with brand new doctors- plural- today.
I'm just hoping they don't stick me in the hospital-especially since there's supposed to be a big snow storm tonight- weekends, bad weather are both the WORST time to be stuck in a hospital.

Another worry- that they don't listen to me.
They see how young I am and think I have to be making this shit up.
Even though it's documented.
This one REALLY pisses me off.
Especially once they hear I'm bipolar.
Then they just think I'm crazy!

I don't fear surgery, even though I DO fear hospitals.
I'm not scared of getting cut up, sliced, whatever you call it.
It's the fact that in the hospital- you can get sick with something else and way more severe. Like a horrible blood infection that tries to kill you not once, but twice. times.
I hope you realize I'm sarcastic...very very sarcastic. It's the center of my very being.
I just found out that people who have had open heart surgery- are called part of "The Zipper Club" because they have the most amazing, coolest scar ever, going down their chest.
I do have a "thing" for scars, if you could call it that.
I love scars. I do.

Now I'm waiting til I go to my appointment.
If they listen to me- that's a good sign.
If they dismiss me right way...very very bad sign. Very bad.
Who knows? Maybe they'll actually find out what's wrong...and FIX IT!
Be it through surgery and/or medication, I don't care- I just want to feel myself again- not tired all the time, not out of breath, not in pain.
I don't fear medication- meds are my friends :)
I guess I have high hopes.
Plus this whole experience is making me feel very depressed.

Very quick-
I had a very strange dream- thanks to benadryl- that I was weighing myself and I weighed 250 lbs! I freaked...and then realize I had weighed myself with all this luggage. And when I weighed myself again without the luggage I weighed...87 lbs!
I'm guessing this dream means I have a lot of extra baggage-
And I'm not talking about my big ass! I needed a dream to fucking tell me that?!

Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Sorry this blog is all over the place- but that's what my mind is like- CHAOS! COMPLETE CHAOS!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Good and bad news...

Good news- actually GREAT news- my grandma is back home and doing better.
Bad news- I'm still doing the same- and avoiding the hospital at all costs.

I'm trying not to overwork myself- but my family knows nothing about cleaning apparently.
And since my mom is at my grandma's- it's ALL up to me, to keep this house from looking like an insane asylum.

I told my sister today- that if I have a heart attack from cleaning the fucking house- I will haunt Dave and her for the rest of their miserable fucking LIVES!!!
Saying in their ears "Clean the motherfucking HOUSE!!!"

On another note- if Dave doesn't put down the fucking PS3 controller- I told him I'll throw him AND Assassins Creed Brotherhood- out the fucking window!

See I made a mistake- I bought him the freaking game. Thinking MAYBE just maybe- he would play responsibly.
I was SO totally wrong.
I even tried hiding the fucking game- but he found it! FUCK!!!!
I would actually- dare I say- like this game if I knew he would only play it when the kids were sleeping.
It drives me INSANE!!!
When I told him I'd throw him out the window- his response was "Please throw me out first, then the game, so at least the game would be safe!"

Yeah- I don't say "kid you not" I hate that phrase. I much prefer "FUCK YOU NOT!"
I have a bunch of sayings- don't worry you'll learn them all.
And they'll rattle around your head FOREVER- until you catch yourself saying them too!!

That's my master plan!!!

Another phrase of mine- when someone does something stupid- instead of saying they're stupid- which isn't very nice- and you all know I'm ALL about being nice ;)
I say "Talent!"
Because they are talented- at doing stupid things.

Yeah anyways- that's enough lessons for today, bitches! Okay?!

Kisses Bitches!
Spread the FUCKING LOVE!

P.S.- Dave now thinks he's Italian- he keeps speaking Italian to me. He's freaking SPANISH for goodness sakes!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Shit Shit Fuck Fuck!!!!

I found out last night that my grandma is in the hospital.
She wasn't doing well and had a very bad infection in both her feet.
We were all very surprised, and upset, obviously.
I found out today the antibiotics are working and she's getting better
Best news I've heard all day!!!
As far as I'm concerned she is my ONLY grandma.
She's been suffering from dementia for over tens year and does not remember me anymore.
I just want my grandma to be in peace- no pain, no confusion anymore.
She is a great person and she deserves to be happy.

I haven't been feeling very well for the past few days- but wasn't making a big deal of it- until last night.
My legs and feet were in so much fucking unbelievable pain and I couldn't breathe.
For about a week now- my heart stops- yes stops- for about 5 or so seconds-without a warning- I cannot breathe or speak.
But I am conscious through the whole thing.
I found out yesterday from a friend who's a doctor, she has experienced the same exact thing many times.
I also must mention that she has had open heart surgery in the past.
And suggested it might be electrical.
I was so happy to hear I wasn't JUST crazy!!!
And that this is real, not a fucking panic attack.
I have an irregular heartbeat, plus a really bad thyroid problem.
So I'm experiencing 17 different symptoms at once.
I feel they are all connected but not one doctor has put it all together.
My blood pressure was so low this morning I couldn't move.
And yes- everyone around me was ready to call 911.
But if you know me-
you also know that I've almost died in the hospital before- and got sick FROM the hospital- a severe blood infection that did almost end me- permanently.
So unless my spleen falls out in the next two minutes, I won't go to the hospital.
I feel a tiny bit better than this morning, my blood pressure isn't AS low as before.
But it's going up and down all day and driving me insane.
I slept for three hours during the day- which I DON'T do usually.
I couldn't function today.
If things don't get better soon, I will have no choice but to go to the hospital.
My mom is at a hospital in the city right now, not leaving many people here to watch my two kids- it's a 24/7 job with no sleep! Not EASY!

Wish my grandma and I luck.

God bless all of you,

and of course...
Kisses Bitches!

*photo of my grandma- almost ten years ago

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

One of the very best days!!!!

This morning started like every other morning before it,
I was tired and half-awake, woken up by my son crying in his crib- right next to my bed.
After having breakfast I saw the perfect opportunity to cut Levi's hair.
I sat him in his highchair, and went to work.
He was SURPRISINGLY GREAT and quite calm during the whole process. I praised him the entire time!
Especially compared to the last time I cut his hair and he screamed bloody murder through the entire haircut.
Levi had ABA therapy at home, towards the end of the session, I got on facebook very quickly (like I always do- I am ADDICTED to facebook).
And saw my old friend was online, one I met way back when (around 2003-2004 to be exact). When I was in the hospital (one of the many times) for my eating disorders.
She was also bipolar- and we bonded right away.
She understood me, unlike anyone ever had.
She went off the grid for awhile, the whole time I thought she was dead.
Us, bipolars- we don't get a lot of "happy endings".
Mostly they end in tragedy, sad to say.
I thought the worst had happened, especially since we were SO much alike.
I was sad for many many years, and always thought of her.

Well  thanks to facebook and some faith- I found her!!!
We talked, for the first time in years, this morning.
I almost cried- because it was so emotional for me.
Just talking to her for almost an hour, she still understood me better than anyone.
I was SO happy to have found her.
I cried when telling my sister and Dave that I spoke to her and how much it affected me.
You know who you are- and if you are reading this- I love you with all my heart chickie. You freakin "get" me, ya know?!

After that I went with Levi to school for his second day.
I met other mothers there! Mothers with kids similar to mine!
We talked for almost TWO whole HOURS!
They understood the things I go through with my kids, and it was the first time ever- I really could relate to another mother, ever!
We even talked about "what's wrong with our husbands!"
I love that talk- wives really bond during this conversation.
And believe me, if or when my husband has a similar talk with his friends about their wives-
He could talk FOR HOURS- maybe even days with things that are wrong with me. Hello- I'm bipolar.
If you have a complaint about me- well...
All their kids, went to the same school as Levi- at the same time!

I met all their kids, they were all SO beautiful and lovable.
On the ride home with Levi on the school bus- I thought about what a fantastic day today was. It was completely meant to be that I moved to Brooklyn.
I believe this now with everything I have.

On the ride home,
Levi fell asleep.
This is a photo from today- him sleeping with Kayla's Sonic hat (yup- I bought it for her for Christmas- and Lee borrowed it) over his eyes.

So far so good!!!

I feel blessed and very lucky.
Of course, that feeling might change later in the day- because I am bipolar after all. Emotions change from minute to minute, second to second.

Kisses Bitches!!!

You can find me on facebook, under The bipolar bible.
I'd love to hear from you!

Levi's first day of school!!!!

This photo was taken on the bus ride BACK from school.
His first day of school, to be exact.
He did great!
Except for the fact that an hour in (the two hour school day) he got really really sleepy. Ha-ha!!!
On the bus ride home, all the little kids (under age three) were passed out in their car seats- looking like parachuters that got stuck in a tree (just hanging there!).
You should be able to tell from my blog- that I NEVER ever quite fit in, anywhere I go.
Is this my fault- sometimes- other times, just circumstance really.
I went with Levi to school yesterday and will be everyday for awhile till I know he'll be okay.
I wore- acid wash ripped jeans, with bright green men's socks, bright orange lipstick with matching nail polish, stripped black loose shirt, with fake motorcycle jacket- and to complete the look- an R2D2 backpack.
Why? Cuz that's the way I roll, bitch! That's the way I roll.
So of course everyone looks at me like I'm a fucking alien at the school.
I felt like an alien at the school- because I ALWAYS feel like I'm from a completely different planet than every normal person on earth.
It's not me thinking- they are weird- I think I'M weird.
And maybe I'm being extra critical of myself lately- but I feel I look SO strange.
Just weird- not beautiful at all- and really if you know me- this is not me fishing for compliments- and if you write one trying to make me feel better- I might just have to kill you. Just maybe.
I guess I go through these times where I just feel so out of place in the world- the way I look, the way I talk, the way I think- just everything about me.
Maybe it's cause I'm bipolar- or because I just have a very weird relationship with my self; my body, my emotions.

Plus on top of everything, my hair is starting to fall out again- it's around the eight month mark- so now I'm just waiting.
No one knows why exactly this happens to me pretty much every single year- at all different times of the year, and not just a little bit- but nearly all of it.
Could be my thyroid, who knows.
I now have a fedora hat that I ONLY wear when I'm bald for the reason that it never fits when I have a head full of hair.
So if everyone in my neighborhood, and everywhere I go basically, is looking at me like I'm an alien now- JUST WAIT till I'm bald again. Just wait.

Oh boy- so much fun.

Levi goes to school again today- and will be 5 days a week at the same school until he turns three years old.
His first day went very well-
hopefully today goes even better!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Years!!!

Hey everyone- sorry I fell off the planet for a week,
Turns out my whole family and I had strep throat.
Violet is still fighting it, as is Levi.
But Violet did eat for the first time in about 5 or 6 days!
Yeah- my daughter is EXTREME!

It was a very calm and quiet New Years Eve.
The kids fell asleep early and Kayla and I were having a hard time keeping ourselves awake!
We'd been so ill this whole week, that sleep is worth it's weight in gold right now to us.
Dave had to go to the bathroom, close to the time of the New Years Ball dropping in Times Square (on t.v.)

He got out- JUST in time!!
With only 1 SECOND to spare!!!
Yeah- That's marriage for you-

He rushed out of the bathroom, because he told me- if he spent new years eve in the bathroom, I'd never ever let him live it down!

He's so right!

When he got out of the bathroom, I told him he was too late! Just to fuck with him!!!

And that's marriage in a nutshell, truly.

Kisses Bitches...oh yea And have a Fuck AWESOME New Year!!!