Monday, August 29, 2011
Yep. These photos were from my old home. My old apartment on the Upper west side. THIS IS WHAT I CAME FROM.
Mold and lead infested, neglected by the slum landlord.
Last year was the worst year of my life. Going back and forth to court, trying to make the landlord fix the apartment. The judge was paid off, so we almost got evicted because of the fucking evil bastard.
My kids and I were sick everyday, with high fevers and lung infections.
No lawyer would take our case, because lead wasn't in their blood stream and mold cases were harder to win.
I was going to food pantries and soup kitchens to feed my family and I.
I almost got arrested the day we were moving because my asshole super, was going to have me arrested for...TRESPASSING... in my own still-paid-for apartment.
If there was anything that could shake my faith, it was last year.
On top of that my place was severely haunted. And not by nice spirits. We're talking really evil ones. Angry ones.
My family members are not "sensitives". They didn't believe me when I would tell them these things. Neither did my head doctors. They just put me on more medications to stop the voices and visions.
Because in the doctor field, there is no such thing as the supernatural, the only thing they believe is being "insane".
These ghosts would break things, throw things across the room, new light bulbs would die, electrical fires throughout the apartment, they terrified me.
I'd known about them since I was a little kid, but over time they got more and more angry.
I had serious sleeping problems due to this.
I tried to keep my faith, but everything around me seemed to be going to shit.
I hit bottom alright, even worse than being institutionalized several times years before.
All changed once I left that hell.
Not at first, at first the spirits tried to come with us to our new home.
That's why I left all my furniture, cooking supplies, even clothes at the old place so that no spirit that connected with any of these objects could step into our new home.
Starting January 2011, things started to get better, little by little, not perfect obviously ( as you all know), but definitely better.
A lot of people have no idea what I've been through in my life, or what I came from.
This is just a GLIMPSE of my old life ( there's OH SO MUCH MORE!) and one of the many reasons I don't have patience for people who have EVERYTHING ( money, health, happiness, family) complaining about the little things in life that bother them.
Seriously do everyone a favor, and shut your fucking mouth.
You should be thankful for what you have. I'm grateful everyday that I'm out of that hellhole, and that my family and I are safe.
On another note-
I heard my first voice (deceased or spirit guide, I'm not sure) for the first time since moving.
I was so caught off guard, I was filling the tub at the time and heard a females voice directly in my ear, I couldn't make out what she was saying, because I freaked out, screamed "What the FUCK WAS THAT!!!" and accidentally turned on the shower and soaked myself, while still fully clothed!
Yep. Looks like I'm not alone here either, but I don't feel an evil presence here like at my old place.
But strange things are starting to happen. I really wish I had a mentor or a guide to help me navigate through these things. No one here knows how to help me. My husband is supportive of me though, thank goodness.
It helps to have some "believers" around me.
Your main bitch!
Friday, August 26, 2011
to know you're alive,
it's such a happy feeling... (the Mr. Roger's theme)
Please tell me you know this theme song, if not. Then I'm fucking old.
Anyways, I went to see my new doctor yesterday at the high-risk clinic.
Well, maybe I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to meet your doctor at the first visit and have a sonogram AT THE SAME OFFICE???
Or is that just the way it works in Manhattan????
It was so weird. I was at the clinic from 9:30 and didn't get to leave until 3 p.m.!
I didn't have a sonogram or met the doctor that will be delivering my baby when the time comes.
I waited over two hours just to have my blood taken!!!
What the friggity fuck!
Such a waste of time yesterday. Really.
They were nice there luckily.
Plus I heard the next time I go, the waiting time just to see the doctor can be 2 hours!
Man, I think I should just sign in and then take a look around the neighborhood or something and let them call me on my cell when it's time for me to actually get to see the doctor!
I have no patience you should all know this about me, by now.
A.D.H.D and bipolar have many similarities- one being that I have no ability to freakin WAIT!
Maybe this is the Manhattanite in me? Fast paced and never stopping.
In September I'll finally get to see my baby, and meet my doctor.
Plus I'm getting genetic testing done, because when I tell doctors my family's medical history they start to panic. I don't, but they ALWAYS DO.
While getting my blood drawn, I overheard a young lady say she had an ectopic pregnancy (An ectopic pregnancy is a complication of pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterine cavity.)
I was sad to hear this, but I knew in my gut ( my instinct), she was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her this. But many do not take hearing this from a stranger, nicely. They always give me a look, like I'm crazy. So I decided not to tell her, especially since she was with an asshole of a boyfriend.
My gut instincts are getting way better. I was able to tell a friend that she was going to have a baby girl, and not to worry about it being so difficult to get pregnant.
I'm not in denial anymore about my abilities.
It's nice to see the relief on a friends, or strangers face, when you tell them good news. Not false news, but good news, you know will come true, and that will make the person a lot happier to know.
A little over two months ago, my doctor lowered my thyroid medication. I told them it was a very bad idea. But they never listen to me.
That very week, I gained six pounds! By doing nothing different.
So you can understand how scared I was when I saw my weight gain yesterday.
OH, FUCK ME! This sucks fucking ass!!!
I gained A LOT!!! A lot a lot!
I've been so sick from the pregnancy I've been eating less than I used to and healthier.
This is bullshit!
I hope they up my dosage again, otherwise I'm gonna be obese by the end of this pregnancy. I'm not joking. Luckily, I will be able to take it all off afterwards, if not, then most of it ( I have twice before, I can do this again).
My main issue are the doctors. They don't believe me. They usually think I'm drinking from a chocolaty sodalicious fountain all day long, eating noting but fat injected crap.
Yeah, I went through this with my first doctor, when I was preggo with Vivi.
I started at 80 lbs. and went up to nearly 200lbs.
They never took into account that I was FUCKING 80 POUNDS before I started.
I'd been hospitalized twice for eating disorders. And they had continued to get worse.
My daughter saved my life. She taught me there's way more to life than just focusing on stupid weight.
And even though I feel way more confident in my body, and able to not be so superficial.
It bores me now when I talk to anorexics and bulimics. It also saddens me, that they don't see how ridiculous it is to be obsessing over. It's all about feeling "in control" anyway.
Weight is just one way to feel in control of your life, when it's spinning fast out of control.
I just gotta deal with the whole massive weight gain issue, during this pregnancy and hope that afterwards, my baby and I are healthy and happy. That's the most I can ask for anyways. After having four miscarriages. I just want a full-term healthy baby after all this.
So, if you see me in the street all fat and pregnant, if you say anything about my weight or how big I've gotten, I have every right to punch you in your fucking face, you understand don't you?
Yeah, thanks for understanding,
You don't need a broke face anyway do you?
- Your main bitch.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I really wonder where this started.
All my friends, come to me with a story of a "crazy" friend, lover or family member, that they think is
Let me tell you right now, this is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine.
NOT EVERY "CRAZY" or "MEAN" person is BIPOLAR!
I PROMISE YOU THIS!
Bipolar just started to become "popular" about, I'd guess maybe two or three years ago.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY after I was diagnosed.
I had to explain what bipolar was to nearly every single friend, family member or lover I had.
Sounds like fun, huh?
NOPE, not one bit.
But now I feel myself explaining the label Bipolar more than ever.
And it's so frustrating.
Hey maybe that ex of yours that cheated on you and treated you badly one minute, and great the next, was NOT BIPOLAR...but just a major ASSHOLE?!
Did that ever cross your mind???
Bipolar is a serious disorder. Not a label that should come lightly.
There's no real cure, but there are ways to maintain...a somewhat stability in your life, with help from therapists and medications, a supportive family and network of friends.
That's all we do (us bipolars), is suppress our bipolar tendencies and try, desperately to live a normal stable life. This is not an easy task, and should not be taken lightly.Especially if we are obeying our every single desire and impulse- which is NOT A GOOD IDEA and usually leads to harm of oneself or others.
My friends also tell me stories about a person they think might be Bipolar, but to me, just seems like a clinically insane person.
What ever happened to a plain old CRAZY person. Not Bipolar- just straight up maniac? Not MANIC, but MANIAC????!!!!
What the fuck, people?!!!
No, not every asshole, or straight up crazy person is Bipolar. Would you please please please keep this in mind when trying to "diagnose" your friend, family member or lover??!
There are SO many other types of insanity! SO MANY!
How about you read a book instead, on diagnoses, huh?
and stop pretending you have any clue what being bipolar actually means, will ya?
Thanks for listening bitches!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
It's so easy on my phone. Easier than updating my blog, that's for sure.
So these have been my entries so far- starting Aug. 10th
Journal Date: 08/10/11
Energy: Have some
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs and fish cakes
Journal Date: 08/11/11
Energy: So so
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Salty eggs
Journal Date: 08/12/11
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Anything skittles
Notes: Walked all over the city. Build a bear ( 29.99 for bear, outfit AND shoes! woohoo can't beat that price! Exhausted!!!
Journal Date: 08/13/11
Morning sickness: No
Journal Date: 08/14/11
Mood: Tired,moody,yet happy
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs, pickles, chocolate chip cookies that I made from scratch
Notes: Made eggs for everyone for breakfast for two weeks already! Thunderstorm last night kept levi up, so I held his hand for hours so he could sleep. Had bad cramps all night long and a migraine. I always worry when i'm prego and have cramps. Not fun at all.
Journal Date: 08/15/11
Morning sickness: Some
Notes: Interviewed by daily news!!!
Journal Date: 08/16/11
Energy: Little to none
Appetite: Not much
Morning sickness: Some
Notes: Got hurt by a friend today. Cried like a little bitch during a fucking chick flick I watched last night. I've always hated chick flicks. I hate movies that make me cry. Ewwww icky. It sucks being hurt by someone you trust. But another friend of mine, bought me an awesome gift! A book called " Go the fuck to sleep!" I loooooove it.
Journal Date: 08/18/11
Weight: feels like 2000 lb
Mood: Exhausted and nauseous
Appetite: Hungry but nauseous
Morning sickness: Yes!
Notes: Almost spent the night puking. Thank god for Zofran (the miracle medication)! Made up with my friend. Yay!
Journal Date: 08/19/11
Weight: feels like 2000 lb
Morning sickness: Yesssss
Cravings: No pain
Notes: At hospital massive contractions
Journal Date: 08/20/11
Weight: likes like 3000 lb (feeling very swollen after sitting for hours and hours with my legs dangling, while at the hospital the other night)
Morning sickness: Yesssss. Morning, noon, night!
Notes: Feeling gross but better than yesterday. Baby is good, except for low heartbeat. Gotta take it easy. Watched a very corny Sci-Fi movie about vampires. I feel like everything is SO corny lately. All the trailers and advertisements I've seen look like I'm in a fucking MOVIE. These ads are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD. So stupid. Does anyone fucking notice this shit?! Am I in a fucking coma, and don't know it????!!!! I'm questioning my fucking reality!!! Being off my medication, doesn't help. Off my bipolar meds, Doctor's orders. I'm starting to lose touch. Things don't FEEL real.
Journal Date: 08/21/11
Weight: 2000 lb
Mood: Surreal, not myself
Appetite: Hungry but REALLY nauseous
Morning sickness: Yessss
Cravings: Salty fish ( tuna with olive oil dill and lemon is AWESOME!) and ginger ale
Notes: Went outside. Walked all the way to waldbaums ( I love that store), Vivi walked with me all the way home afterwards! I'm very proud of her:) it was very humid and hot outside. I started contracting again soon after I got home. Watched "how to train your dragon", almost cried. I'm such a sucker for " I'm so proud of you son (or daughter)" movies, especially after being the underdog/ black sheep for SO LONG( like me!). So now I'm still contracting, but cooking some indian chicken curry and rice through the pain. I'm tough as NAILS, BITCH! I'm having some trouble, being off my meds right now. Having problems seeing whats "real" and what's not. Just another fun time being a bipolar.
More journal entires to come!
*photo of my daughter at about 9 months old. THIS is why I'm off my meds. To make another PERFECT baby;)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Yep. You got it! I'm pregnant again. Nope, it wasn't a mistake. None of my pregnancies were.
I have two beautiful children. And I've had four miscarriages.
Not everyone in my family knows this, but I guess they do now, huh?
One before Vivi. One after Vivi, before Lee, and two after Lee. I always wanted a big family. I love kids. I even wanted to be a foster mom. After having my kids, that proved a difficult task, because my kids needed lots of attention, even more so than "regular" kids (I put regular in quotes because I think this is funny, since I've never ever met one "regular" kid before in my life).
You all know my kids are autistic. Vivi also had a recent psychological evaluation and is now on the MR ( mental retardation) spectrum as well. She is "severely MR". No worries, she still has her PDD diagnosis and her symptoms go hand in hand with one another. This doesn't mean Vivi isn't smart, she's brilliant, but by whatever methods they test for these kinds of things, this was the answer they got. It doesn't affect me, my family, or Vivi. She's still the most awesome daughter ever, as far as we are all concerned. Lee as you all know has PDD as well. So my kids need extra attention otherwise they will kill each other, or themselves, they have no sense of danger or consequences- EVER!
Yes, so I'm adding another addition, another MOST FLY kid to the mix, of my lot.
Yes there is a chance my third will be autistic. But autism, isn't a "defect", or something to be cured in my book. It just makes my kid even more special and complex a person to me and my husband.
If found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, I wanted to share it with y'all right away but was too scared to say, because of all my previous miscarriages. But I wanted to talk about being pregnant and Bipolar at the same time. And what goes on daily, well at least for me.
Yesterday I was in the hospital, for over eight hours. I had contractions- yes, contractions, since the previous night. You all know I am TERRIFIED of hospitals, because I almost died after I had Lee, due to a severe infection. If it was possible, I would have liked to have all my kids, birthed at home, in water. Yeah, I'm a fucking hippie, or I'm just terrified and have become a germaphobe due to my previous experiences at hospitals. But I don't get to make this choice, because of all the complications I've had with all my pregnancies. Having miscarried four times. It's not an easy thing to talk about, believe me. But I do feel it's necessary to share these experiences with others. Let them know they are not alone, these horrible things do happen.
I was afraid I was losing my baby yesterday, it was very scary. So I decided to force myself to go to the hospital, despite my fears, so that my baby would be okay.
My baby is doing good. Except for the fact her heartbeat is very low. Yes, I said girl, I'm about 99.9% sure this one is a girl. How do I know this? I knew with both Lee and Vi what they would look like and what gender they were, before I even got pregnant with them. I'm a sensitive.
Just another weird fact about me.
I can usually pick words out of people's heads. I also dream of my future nightly. Like I said, just more weird and fun facts about me.
Her heartbeat is low, they said it might just be a technical problem with the ultrasound machine, but I don't agree. I saw the doctor's face as she told me. So I'm supposed to rest- A LOT. And take it easy.
I feel nauseous, in constant pain, like I have the flu- real bad.
My fibromyalgia doesn't help this fact.
My doctor took me off my bipolar medications, because they can contribute to birth defects, miscarriages, premature birth, etc. etc. etc.
Being pregnant does even out my moods a bit. If I wasn't pregnant there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be able to get off my medications. I'm definitely PRO-MEDICATION!!!!!
Don't ever ever ever get off your medications unless your doctor tells you so. PLEASE!!! For the love that is all good and holy!!!
Un-medicated Bipolars SCARE the SHIT OUTTA ME!
So I'm trying my best not to have an emotional, nervous breakdown.
Let see how that goes shall we?
I'll keep you all updated Bitches, ok?
Your main bipolar bitch!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Let's see how this goes.
I made eggs for everyone (five adults and 1 curious babygirl. The other one wanted no part in it).
I feel everyone takes me for granted.
I should go on strike!!!!
Thunderstorms kept Lee up most of the night. So I pulled his crib right next to my bed, so that I could hold his hand for several hours, so he could sleep, while I did not.
The things mamas do for the kids, huh?
I love my babies, so it's totally worth it.
I was in pain most of the night and uncomfortable. Not fun at all.
Craving lots of eggs ( pastured eggs are DELICIOUS!!! When I can afford them;), pickles ( FROMTHE BARREL!!! NO JARRED FREAKS OF NATURE PLEASE!!!) and my homemade chocolate chunk cookies ( I made them two days ago and everyone seems to be attacking them!!!)
I totally fucked up the recipe, because I've been so out of it lately. But they came out the best chocolate chip cookies I ever made!!! Go figure!!!
I'm tired, cranky, and a bit delusional. the day being stormy doesn't help.
P.S. I'm crossing my fingers I get interviewed for a segment on autism, for CBS, this week.
Oh I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE!!!!!! Please cross your fingers too!!!
Am I the only person on the planet, that thinks my kids being autisitic isn't a problem, or curse. But a miracle. My kids are so special, and perfect the way they are and were always meant to be. I'm not looking for a "cure", or for them to grow out of it. I LOVE my babies more than life itself. And I believe God made them perfect the way they are.
But I guess that's just me, huh?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I have so many haters- I lost count.
But in the words of the great Katt Williams:
"so what she/he keeps talking about you and hating on you. What do you think a "hater's" job is..to hate. if you have someone hating on you right now u better think of how to get 5 more people hating by Christmas. You need haters to make you stronger..without haters most people wouldn't try to become better. Just tell them "bitch you just hate me because you can't be me!"
WORDS TO FUCKING LIVE BY.
So I guess I'm doing well, if so many people are hating on me, right?
I got so many so called "friends" that talk shit behind my back.
That say mean things to me, about the clothes I wear, my look, my decisions, my family.
These people ain't no friends of mine no longer. And you people that are reading this- know who the fuck you are. Being all two-faced and shit.
But don't worry, I don't need to do nuthing. Your bad karma will take care of that for me.
Maybe I'm too nice. Because I don't talk shit about you to other people.
THERE'S A LOT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT when it comes to you.
I decide to be the better person. And all the people you call your friends, are the ones that have spoke major shit about you behind YOUR back.
I am the person, I've always wanted to be. Can you say the same?
You know in all actuality, you don't hate me, you're just jealous of me, because you wanna be me.
I've dealt with haters all my life, even ones that threatened to kill me. Yep, kill me.
There are way too many crazy mutherfuckin haters out there, that got noting better to do, but make others miserable.
I am who I am, you don't have to like the clothes I wear, because I don't dress for your approval, or anyone else's. Never have, never will. I don't dress for my husbands approval, and that's one of the many reasons we are together, He's never tried to change me, or the way I cut my hair, or the way I dress. I change my style from day to day. And he likes them all. Why? Because I'm an original not a follower.
In the words, of my best friend, "Why try to be like everyone else? When you were meant to stand out!"
Yes, she's extremely wise. She is MOST FLY!
She tells me this when the haters finally break me down, and have me wondering why I don't dress, look and act like everyone else.
We bitches, shouldn't talk shit about, and hate on one another. We should be building each other up. Since the whole world wants to break a good bitch down.
That's why I complement my friends, and even strangers, why I'm nice to other people I don't even know. Not because I'm trying to get into their pants or anything, I'm not flirting with you, because I complemented your dress, or your hair.
I'm saying this nice things to you, because I want to. I actually LIKE the things I say I like. And mean, what I say.
I say these things, because I want to build you up, not down like every other hater in town.
Because why be a stank ass crazy bitch, when you don't gotta be? You could be so much better than that. You could be the coolest fucking bitch around, instead.
So if you talkin' shit about me behind my back, don't think I'm stupid and don't know. Just know that because of you,
I'm inspired to be a better more stand up person. Maybe in fact I'll do things purposely just to piss you off. And make that bad karma that's following you come quicker. HA HA HA HA HA!
Kisses to all my lovely wonderful, beautiful Bitches out there.
And I nice FUCK YOU, to all the stank ass crazy bitches out there that be hatin'.
*photo of me, way back in the day. Yep! I dressed myself that day. Wearing my LIGHT UP PINK PIG VISOR to top off the entire get up. My mom fought me, tooth and nail, to NOT WEAR the pig visor. But I loved my fucking pig visor, and I wasn't gonna go anywhere, without it, DAMMIT!
See? I was ALWAYS FUCKING ORIGINAL!