Dave dresses like a homeless man

My neighborhood thinks my husband has "special needs".
Dave is a TRUE PUNK. He doesn't dress to impress ANYONE.
He really doesn't give a flying fuck what you think of him.
This I admire about him but don't agree with.
I dress everyday to impress. Not to impress others exactly, but I dress a certain way to feel confident about myself. The more confident I feel that day, the better my attitude will be.
Yesterday he came with me to the rheumatologist.
He wore an orange striped polo, with navy and black athletic shorts, with gray socks and his black shape-up sneakers. Plus he was unshaven and very sleepy as always.
He's a TRUE- to the fucking CORE- Narcoleptic!
He can fall asleep in the middle of talking! Standing! Or walking!
Anytime- anywhere!
It's SICK!
Meanwhile I'll be up for hours just listening to him snoring like an animal!
Women ARE SO DIFFERENT from men.
It really is like we are from two completely different planets!

When we got on the bus, we went through about 5 empty metrocards till we found one with enough money on it. Dave shouted "YAY!!!" The bus driver replied with enthusiasm "YAY!" smiling at Dave.  Like Dave was "special". FUCKING HILARIOUS!
Then we waited in the waiting room, for Doctor Father time for about 2 freakin hours!!!
Which he spent falling asleep and moaning, like a homeless man. The best fed homeless man ever.
It looked like I picked him off the street to pretend to be my husband for some reason!
I'm just lucky he didn't start farting in his sleep at the office.

Last night, I explained to him my concern.
We laughed so hard about the whole thing!!!

By the way- on a side note- I've stopped my Geodon again.
Don't worry with my doctor's blessing.
Because it might be worsening my heart problems.
So I will most probably be going crazy, but at least I won't be dead, right???!
This also means my "filter system" will be down. So it's like I have tourettes. Literally.
Today Dave and I were talking yet again about his "dressing situation".
And for some reason I yelled "STUPID!!!" Then started hysterically laughing. Uncontrollably!!!
We both were laughing!
He said to me "So we're okay with that? You calling me stupid?"
I replied "Yep! No Geodon. I got me some tourettes now, BOYYYYYY!
Because I wasn't even thinking of the word stupid, it's just came out!
Too funny.
I gotta take Dave shopping ASAP! I can't take this much longer.

Because of the whole- no geodon thing- I can also kiss sleep goodbye!
No sleep last night. My throat is so sore and my thoughts were racing. Oh boy, such fun. NOT!
I'm beyond exhausted- but still have energy to type, and a good sense of humor to laugh about it all.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

Why do these things bother me?

Yesterday I was a bit depressed, I didn't have a particular reason, just the usual up and downs of being bipolar.

Plus Dave and Kayla got into an argument last night, which turned into an argument between him and I. I've mention before Dave has "anger issues". He promised me, he'd get help. All was going well until last night, when he blew his top over absolutely nothing.

It took awhile to calm him down but eventually he did. He did apologize to Kayla and I.

I just wish it wouldn't get to that point.

Him and I have been under a lot of stress lately, as well as the rest of the household but this isn't that unusual.

I understand his rage- I used to be filled with it myself. Breaking several things in the house- I had a horrible temper- really bad. But I HAD to calm down after having Violet, for me there wasn't any choice. I don't want my babies growing up witnessing that kind of rage.

Dave is going to get help, I'm glad to say.

I found out last night that a neighbor of mine recently had another baby. She had just had one a year ago and she's much older than I am. This made me really sad. I'm happy for her, but having a miscarriage myself recently and still wanting to have another child, it upset me.

Why do these things bother me?

I didn't sleep well last night, and neither did the kids. Levi was up for a large portion of the night. I finally fell asleep at 6 A.M. this morning and woke up at 8. Between that time I had horrible nightmares about my children. I really hate those kind of dreams.

Violet woke up shaking from a fever- why she has one, I don't know. She and Lee get high fevers at least once a month, and the doctor doesn't know why.

A few months ago, when Dave was in full-on anger mode- he said a very hurtful thing to me in the heat of his anger "If all our kids aren't going to come autistic- maybe we should just stop having them!" I was so upset by that comment and cried for awhile.

These kinds of comments, I know aren't like Dave to say. He's a very kind, loving, caring person- but this rage takes over him.

A couple of days ago he said something that really touched me- " I hope all our kids come out special- because we have some great kids." (something like that)

And it made me so happy- because THAT'S my David!

I feel the same way- I'm not afraid if more of my children are autistic, or even if they are "normal", they are my babies, and I feel very very blessed to have them. They are my life- they are the reason I live. PERIOD. And nothing, no diagnosis could ever change that.

Thanks for listening.

Living

I feel like I'm living at the doctor's office nowadays. My kids are not well most of the time, as am I- so we know all the nurses and all the doctors at numerous offices now.

I'm on the phone with a doctor almost everyday- scheduling appointments and such.

Yesterday I took my daughter to the doctors, then came home and went to another doctor's appointment for myself.

I was running around yesterday all over town!

I'm still trying to schedule a sonogram for my daughter of her kidneys because the doctor feels she has a problem. I've faxed over AND emailed her referral for this damn sonogram multiple times- each time they say they never received it. Violet's doctor is on my back about scheduling this appointment because he's afraid of Violet having kidney failure. That's why she's on daily antibiotics- to keep her kidneys clean and healthy. Finally I just gave her doctor the fax number and phone number for him to do it himself. I thought maybe, just maybe he'd have better luck than me.

I like that I finally have a relationship with my kids' doctor. Before this doctor, we saw several doctors, all not remembering who the fuck we were most of the time.

This doctor has us on speed dial! And he actually listens to me and trusts me when I say something is wrong. Which most doctors tend not to believe.

Most days we have two doctors appointments to go to- for the exception of today- phew! Finally one day with no appointments other than my kids' therapies. Violet has been imitating more sounds lately, which is GREAT!

Last night Violet and Dave had a roaring contest! Obviously Dave won, but Violet came close!

It's so funny to hear Violet, my three year old daughter, roar! Both Levi and Violet have a new speech and physical therapist. I'm very excited about speech, because I'll be learning several new signs to do with both Lee and Vi. I've always wanted to learn sign language- especially since both my parents are hard of hearing- and we've all been making up our own sign language to communicate with each other for a long time now. It's pretty hilarious!

I started Violet with sign language when she was three months old, but it never took. She does a few signs now, but I'm hoping with this new therapist, Lee and Vi will learn how to communicate better. It's always a guessing game as to what they want- it'll be nice to have to guess less and know more. Besides all our financial and health woes- these are very exciting times. Violet has come a very long way- and is progressing very nicely. I can't wait to see Lee do the same.

Early Intervention has helped my family so very much- I will be forever grateful to them for all their help. Besides the therapists, our early intervention social worker is amazing. These wonderful people have become part of my family and they will always be welcome in my home.

Therapists are always stunned by me when we're in the playground with Violet. She can be a little aggressive with kids when she wants them to hurry up the stairs on down the slide- and the parents of the child my daughter just pushed always- I mean always- gives me a dirty, stank look. As if to say I can't control my child- to which I have now learned to matter of factly reply- "She's autistic, Okay?!". Instead of apologizing over and over again, because I know my daughter didn't mean any harm.

The look on the parents face is always priceless- because then they have no clue what to say to me- they don't know to say " I'm sorry to hear that" or "I understand" or "I have no idea what to say because I'm an asshole, and only see my child once a week and my child doesn't even call my mommy. So who am I to say anything to you about your parenting skills".

You know something like that. The therapists are always shocked because I say this without even blinking. I'm not embarrassed by any means of Violet being autistic, and I plan to raise her to never ever feel she should be ashamed of this. Actually I want her to be open and up front about it at all times. Fuck people's reactions. She's special, and a truly wonderfully sweet, kind , beautiful girl- that just so happens to be autistic. Which I feel makes her even more unique and even more lovable.

That's probably why I'm so upfront about myself being bipolar. It makes me...ME.

And totally unique in every way. Fuck people's thoughts, ideas or misconceptions- I learned a long long time ago, not to give a damn. And being more open about myself and made me more comfortable in my own skin. I want the same for my kids.

Anyways- that's my rant for the day.

Kisses to my special bitches!

*photo found on one of Dave's late night hunts for funny photos on the internet.

ARGH!

So last night I had nightmares. I woke Dave up, which I rarely do, for nightmares that is, and ...get this...cuddled. I DON'T cuddle. I'm not an affectionate person really. So it scared me bad, and I felt like maybe with my face pressed up against his back- because he's not used to me asking to cuddle- maybe then the nightmares wouldn't continue. They were very vivid. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember demons being in my dreams and instead of fighting them, I just gave in.
And I was pissed off in my dream because I knew I SHOULD be fighting, but I didn't.
I didn't get what my dream meant until a few minutes ago. I'll explain.
Today was Violet's CPSE meeting. For those of you who don't know- that's Committee for Preschool Special Education- through the Board of Ed.
My oh my, I had such high hopes for this meeting. I wanted for Violet to continue her home services, even after going to a new school.
I was shut down the minute the words left my mouth, at the meeting.
Thank goodness for Shannon, Violet's ABA therapist was there sitting right next to me. Without her- I would have cried. The new school wanted her to start, to my surprise, THIS COMING MONDAY!!! Instead of the summer, like we had planned.
And that would mean NO more Shannon, no more speech, no more occupational therapy- the whole shabang- WHOOSH- GONE! Starting Monday?!
Were they crazy?!
I was able to get it pushed till the end on June- but I'm beside myself, thinking What am I going to do without these wonderful people???
I find myself thinking- I should have fought harder- screamed, anything- to get what Violet needed. But I felt all this red tape in the way!!!
I mean- does anyone know about SO many of the Early Intervention (kids age newborns to 3 years old) services being CUT!!! By Governor Patterson??!!!
He cut these amazing services for these AMAZING kids who need them so badly- to save money!!! This is the WORST IDEA ever!!! And I can't believe it went through!!!
Why doesn't anyone know about this??? Why isn't this on the news???
The rate of kids with Autism is 1 out of 100 now, and they CUT these services- that help these wonderful children. Fuck THAT!
I would apologize for my rage- but no, this is justified. What Patterson did was WRONG!
And now the Board of Ed, is cutting back on services as well. This is infuriating!
So now I see what my dream meant- I didn't fight. I just let it happen.
Technically I DID fight- just not hard enough. I felt helpless, hopeless.
But now, I know I'm not going to give up- I'm going to be on this guy's back until he sees what I see. That my daughter NEEDS these extra therapies, and that she is making progress by leaps and bounds with their help.

I'm preparing for battle. I got my war paint. It's ON, bitches!

Violet's Gluten free progress- 3 months in...

Violet has been on a gluten free diet for almost 3 months now. And the progress is remarkable. She's a different girl, for sure.
I can't believe my eyes sometimes and the things she's doing and understanding now.
I heard that it can take a long time- even years for the gluten to completely leave a child's system- but I never imagined the difference it could make.
Believe me- this diet is extremely difficult but she makes it look easy. It's still hard finding things she'll like to eat- because she's a problem feeder- but she LOVES the Gluten free ( also known as GF) french toast I make and gobbles up all kinds of fruit.
She now reacts to her name being called. She never did this before. If I tell her to "come here" she actually will. She's responding to verbal commands- another first.
And her signing ( she doesn't speak yet- she uses signs to communicate her needs) had become ten times better. She used to confused the signs- now she rarely does.
She can focus for longer periods of time and she waves "hi" and "bye". She's still very hyper- but I have a feeling- that's just her. She loves jumping, running, flipping, climbing- all things physical and challenging. And it turns out she knows her numbers- numbers 1-10. Which is freaky for a two year old. She's puts numbers in order all the time and can solve very difficult puzzles. These are her gifts.
I hope you don't feel I'm bragging- because it's nothing of the sort. For so long- I've heard nothing but- "she's behind in this. She cannot do this..." and so on. So I'm extremely grateful for these moments. I always knew she was capable of many many things. She's my princess and her therapists are really impressed with her. I think she surpassed their expectations.
Each day is a brand new day for her to learn new things. I admire her strength and determination. She never gives up- ever.
I'm thankful to have her as my daughter- I'm sure she'll be teaching me many things in the near future.

Love you all!!!

*photo is of my daughter when she was 4 months old

Jan. 20th in the hospital

Today Violet saw a special neurologist for kids with disabilities.
It was comforting being in a room filled with special kids and parents of special kids. Most of the parents were exhausted and one fell asleep with her head up against the wall. Parents that knew my daily struggles.
The neurologist was fantastic.
Shannon ( Violet's ABA therapist) was there, thankfully with plenty of cool toys and books to keep Vi happy.
Violet will be going into the hospital on Jan. 20th for 24 hours. She'll be under observation and will having many tests done that day. Dave and I will be there with her the whole time. My mom will stay with my son.
I'm nervous, very nervous- but I know it's necessary to find out what's going on in Vi's head. Hopefully she's not having seizures- since I haver had several seizures in the past. This will help us treat her sleep disorder- and I won't have to listen to any more parents (of "regular" kids) advice on getting her to sleep at night.
Because all of their advice never works- and they think I'm not trying hard enough.
Whatever! All of you who know me- know that I've tried everything.
Wish my daughter luck- that she gets through the hospital stay and finally gets some answers.

Peace, love and gluten free nuggets,
Ciao!