Autism💜

I posted a video on instagram of me playing with my sweetpea, Violet !She's my oldest and soon will be turning 10 years old this week!
Showing her my earrings I got 3 months ago from my sister,  that I never got a chance to wear and finally decided to dress up.

My earrings say "Can you not".
Not something I can usually wear to doctor appts.

Lula wanted to play with makeup this morning. At 7 am on Sunday.
Yes this is me "dressed up"
I told you I  wear hoodies and sweatshirts all the time.
This is my FANCIEST 😎 sweatshirt 😂-it says SHITAKE HAPPENS.
My life to a T.
And I laugh at it.

Violet has Autism,  as do all my children. 

They are all very different from each other -
like every child on the autism spectrum,  NO child is alike.

And they all completely own my heart. 

And I wouldn't EVER  have them any other way NEVER EVER.

They are perfect the way they are.
I'm so proud of them,  and how much they've taught me and we continue  to grow and learn together as a family, as a team.

So I guess my earrings mean-
CAN YOU NOT tell me-

-you are so sorry to hear my child/children has autism.
-if I just would parent them better
-what do I think CAUSED it?
-they don't  LOOK autistic, or AT LEAST they don't LOOK autistic.

Or GIVE me any type of parenting advice whatsoever. Period.
IF I HAVEN'T ASKED.

Instead of feeling pity-
Because I'm not upset, I feel so lucky to have my children in my life. After 4 miscarriages, I have 3 wonderful blessings!

Offer a play date! A ladies night out? ( or Guy's?  them? They?)
Help with cleaning?
Helping with shopping?

Offering things that HELP us with TIME. And mostly friendship😊

Tip Toe

These were my fortunes for today- from the wise ol' fortune cookies from the Chinese food take-out place.
I got three- one- because I'm greedy
                 two- because I like cookies.
Any type really- as long as they ain't stale.

But SOMETHING was trying to tell me something that I was supposed to be doing today. Even the wise ol' fortune cookies were in on it!
So I decided to actually listen to what the world around me was trying to say.

I've been suffocating my feelings for so long now- pushing them so far down- that I felt like a zombie- dead inside and out.
I was always tip-toeing around people's feelings.
Like walking on egg shells. Worry what the response or reaction would be.
Well I blew that outta the water today.
Instead of backing down- I stood up.
To my husband and to my mom.
I got into three fights today, no not fist fights, thank goodness.

With my mom, it's hard. I love her so much and I respect her.
I love my mom, she's the shit! No doubt!
But we do have our issues, and they go way way way back to when I was a wee little one.
We fought- loudly, tonight.
And instead of backing down, I said what I thought.
And of course it hurt her- but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to just come clean with her about my feelings.
She got furious at me. And gave me the silent treatment for a bit- I can't handle that.
Maybe it's from when I was with women, but that is like a stabbing in the heart to me.
Yeah I know I just told you my fucking weakness!!!
So please don't exploit it!!!
It's a woman thing- women RULE at the silent treatment.
I'd rather say it and have an all out fight than not speak to each other.

So of course, I went into her room apologizing NOT for what I said, because it was the truth, but because I upset her and that wasn't my intention.
After a lot of crying- from both of us.
She gave me the best compliment, I've ever received from her- in my life.
I'm teary just writing it now-
She said "Thank you for taking care of Kayla all these years. And for taking care of all of us.
You did a great job! And still do so.
I'm sorry to have done that to you.
I love you.
And Thank you."
I said "you're welcome mom."
I've never felt so taken back in my life.
Those are the words I've waited my life to hear, but never expected to hear them.

I also fought with Dave today. I didn't back down (well originally I did, it's just I still am always scared of people's reactions) but in the end, we came to an understanding. At least for now.
I don't feel completely hopeless.
I feel I've gained back some control of my life and I'm not just gonna watch it pass me by.


I had to write this right away, even though my tears are making it hard to see the keyboard. Making it take a long time to type. I'm blind as it is for goodness sakes.

Cried so much today- definitely more than I'm comfortable with.
I felt nauseous for days- but once I started crying the nausea went away.
The emotional pain was making me nauseous and feel sick.
But you know- once that door opens- it can't shut so easily anymore.

This is the end of the blog post-
I'll leave you with my usual
Kisses Bitches!
Be the Kick ASS person you know you can be! ALWAYS!

"You stepped into the wrong crib, Motherfucker!"

Short story- last night Dave put this doll (photo on right) in Lee's crib. When we put him in his crib last night- he started beating up the doll by swinging it around the crib (he has problems grabbing objects) as best he could. He seemed kind of mad at this doll.

So Dave and I were cracking up- thinking of what he must be thinking-

I said "You're in my crib now, Bitch!"

To which Dave replied "You stepped into the wrong crib, Motherfucker!!!"

Yeah- these are the things that bring Dave and I pleasure, as parents.

Fun times.

Did I mention Dave also called me a "Magical unicorn" last night?!

Yeah- nuff said.

Kisses Bitches! Beware of angry babies!

My day...

On days like today I remember a quote I read in Parents magazine. Yes I read Parents magazine now, not fashion magazines galore like I used to. I used to be addicted to fashion magazines- they were my crack. Now I can't bring myself to look at one- first, the fashion is usually bad- second, the models always look pissed. ALWAYS.
And none of the articles apply to my life- how to lose ten pounds in one week, how to be better in bed, how to find the right man and so on. ALL bullshit being thrown at your face, without apologies.
So the quote I think of is this- it's from a parent talking about their kids.
"When I'm a part from my kids- I miss them so much. Then when I see my kids, I can't wait for them to go to bed."
Today was so frustrating. We finally get to go outside and it's getting dark, the kids fall asleep. Dave wanted to get out the church thrift store but I was with the double stroller- which doesn't fit in the thrift store so I offered to wait outside.
For nearly twenty minutes I waited outside with the children asleep in their warm stroller freezing my ass off. Literally my ass was numb.
He finally comes outside and we head home.
The kids, of course wake up the minute we enter the apartment and even though the day was filled with frustration I was happy they were awake- and forgot all the bad things that happened today. I picked Levi up- all smiles and happy to see me.
Now after spending a few hours holding, playing and kissing them I look forward to when they go to bed.
Then mama will finally get to watch her stories. Amen.

Bad day

Had a really sucky day today- seems like I've been having those quite often lately.
I've been really stressed out. Being a parent of a "normal" kid- is exhausting- but being a parent of an autistic kid. Regular parents never understand.
I was on the phone with my service coordinator (the one who is in charge of the Violet's therapists schedule and meetings) the other day and she was asking me what was the exact day I spoke to someone- and I couldn't remember. I mention that the reason my memory is FUCKED is because I don't sleep- because Violet doesn't sleep. So I apologized for not remembering. Then she answered back that she sympathizes with me because her son is sick- and is suddenly not sleeping well. And she then told me that she FORGOT what it was like not to sleep- because her son is a good sleeper.
I'm like- first- I'm sorry your son is sick.
Second- ARE YOU kidding me????! Are you seriously gonna tell someone who has yet to have a full night's sleep in more than 3 years (being pregnant wasn't a walk in the park either)- your son is a good sleeper?
My daughter, the light of my life, and also the main reason I have several heart attacks daily. I'm exhausted. I know that she's worth all the energy I have to offer and more. But right now I'm drained. More than drained.
So to all the parents of "regular" kids- shut-up. You don't understand. You will never ever understand- so please for the sake of all the parents of special needs kids- shut up! Don't even think of opening your mouth until something useful and worthwhile comes out. And if you can't think of anything worthwhile to say, go with an old stand by, "Your son ( or daughter) is beautiful". Get in, get out- all is well with the world.
Thank you from all of us to you, in advance.
PEACE out, Bitches! (I mean this most affectionately)
P.S.- If you go with "Your son (or daughter) is beautiful" - MAKE SURE YOU GO WITH THE RIGHT GENDER!
So many assholes have said that Violet "was a beautiful boy". ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Don't even speak!