Saturday, August 28, 2010

Mad as a hatter

Yesterday, I went to two doctor appointments. One- I got blood taken yet again. This time- it didn't go so well. The nurse did it wrong- surprise surprise- and my vein started swelling up and turning black and blue- fun right? Yeah, not so much- it was really painful- plus it was my right arm- the one that was in the most pain to begin with. The doctor thinks I have Rheumatoid arthritis. Oh joy. Sounds about right though. So that arm is shot to hell. Then after I suggest to her- to start taking blood from the other arm- since it had been over ten minutes of me swelling up and had only filled three vials of blood with still six more to go. I finally told her- it was painful- and only then did she give up on that vein and take from the other arm. The other arm, the blood came easily- much to my relief.
So I walked out of the doctor's office with both arms in band aids. Everyone I passed on the walk home looked at me with pity- like, you poor sick sick girl.
My right arm is in a lot of pain, the swelling of the vein went down- but it still hurts like a bitch.
Then later I had a dermatologist appointment. The whole day I felt like I should cancel- but I told myself- to go through with it already and get it over with already.
I should have listened to my instincts. When I arrived, there must have been over twenty people in the waiting office! I filled out papers with my messed up right arm.
Then I overheard the receptionist tell a patient it'd be over two hours waiting time. That's when I decided to reschedule for another date.
My bones are killing me- but I figure if this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life- I might as well get used to it, right?
Did I mention I'm on a new medication?
When I went to the doctor on Thursday- he told me my thyroid was really low. So besides my other thyroid medication, he added another one to my daily intake.
Now I have to take the first thyroid med when I wake up, wait a half hour, then take the next one, then wait a half hour, then eventually eat.
It's a pain in the freaking ass!
I had a routine before- every morning wake up, make coffee, eat breakfast- then deal with the day's disasters.
Now It's all screwy. And without me going directly to coffee I might smash and break things in the house. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm apparently Dr. Seuss!
But you get what I'm saying. I'm not used to this medication yet. And I have no idea what to do with myself in the morning if I can't eat right away. So I've been tired, and cranky- and taking a shower freaking early in the morning, instead of later on in the day.
Levi can sense when I'm down or upset, he'll snuggle with me and it does make me feel better, but then somebody will do something stupid and I'll forget any happiness I had just experienced.
I'm BORED! Not in the sense that my LIFE is boring- because it's really nothing of the sort.
I want to go places. The beach, a pool, even a freaking museum, something for goodness sakes.
It's usually just Kayla and me and the kids during the day. And with this pain, it makes pushing the big rocket sized stroller a bit difficult, to say the least.
I'm very thankful for Vi and Lee's therapists-it gives the kids things to do, and they learn a lot. But when the weekend comes- it's kind of lonely.
Yeah sure I take them to the playground- but Violet needs WAY more than only one person running after her- she needs a team of people! She's quick and she uncoordinated- and falls ALL the time. Her physical therapist is working on this with her- but she has a long way to go before I let her just run around without me being scared shitless.
Dave sleeps most of the day, to my despair. Then at night, I get tired early because it very difficult to sleep through the night in pain. I'm reminded of my pain frequently during the night, so I'm tossing and turning, and in lots of pain.
I don't even bother with Advil or Tylenol- because it doesn't make a dent in the pain whatsoever.
I'm frustrated, sad and angry. All I want to do is cry- but of course I won't- because as you all know- I don't LIKE to cry- ever.
I guess I'd say I'm depressed- and that would be putting it lightly.
Hopefully I'll figure out something we can do today. And not just walk around while I push an enormous stroller around in pain.
There's so many different things going on at once in my life right now- that are out of my control. I have to realize I can't "fix" people- in my life right now- or maybe ever.
Have you ever been so upset- but had nothing to get out your frustration on. I can't scream or break anything. It's just all bottled up inside me about to burst!
I guess I'll just push that anger further down- way down, right? What other options do I have?
Man, I wish I had a screaming tree ( a tree that takes all your anger and abuse out on) but then I'd feel bad for the what THEN?!
Sorry for the long angry rant.

Kisses Bitches! Hope your weekend is TONS better than mine!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

No Trespassers Allowed!

Dave is a firm believer in this-
From the day I met him to this very day- if someone shows up at our door he doesn't know- or isn't expecting- this person could get a serious beating from him.

Last night- late- around 8 P.M. our doorbell rang.
Just so you know- we've been constantly harassed for many years now by some crazy insane neighbors and our crazy and insane landlord. So we don't trust when the doorbell rings- and we're not expecting anyone.
My sister looks through the peephole of our door- and saw someone she didn't recognize and called us in urgency to the door.

Dave showed up with a hard wooden baseball bat- but of course, this is Dave we are talking about.
It turned out to be a soon-to-be state senator - that wants our votes at the upcoming election-and his "intern"- I kid you not!

The senator-bot said "haha! Are you guys playing a game or something?" He said nervously.

Dave answered sternly "No."

The faux senator then replied with a nervous laugh "Please don't hit me. hahaha."

Dave just stood there beside Kayla- while the senator wannabe proceeded to ask Kayla some questions-

"Do you have any problems, concerns or complaints with our neighborhood."

Dave without missing a beat answered "YEAH-security."

The senator candidate was very cautious with his questions. Dave left Kayla at the door to answer anymore questions the senator-to-be had for us.
Meanwhile the entire time- I am CRACKING the heck up in the living room. The senatorish could clearly hear me. I couldn't stop laughing!!!
I would have gone to the door myself but I realized- I had a wrist bandage on ( for the unexplained pain I've been having) and if I stood next to Dave who had a wooden baseball bat in his hand- the guy might get the wrong impression- that I was a battered wife or something.
So I decided to leave this to Dave.

Like I said Dave takes trespassing VERY seriously.
Kisses Bitches!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Last night

I was soooooo super sick. I've been ill for almost two weeks- my stomach is dying inside. I don't know why- I'm guessing Violet had a virus from school she so generously shared with me.

But it's taking forever to me to get better.
Have you ever been so ill- you prayed to God to make you feel better?
Well that was me all night- praying and sobbing in pain.
I finally passed the fuck out-sometime in the morning.
When I woke up I went straight into a hot bath- my whole body hurt.
I feel like I've been beat up so badly.
I did have a nightmare about big huge bugs in the middle of the night- that usually means money is coming. The thought of that perks me up a little bit.

On another note- Levi has three new teeth on the top row!!! YAY! He finally has some teeth!!!
Levi's a little out of it this morning and Violet's a zombie. I think last night wasn't a good night for any of us.

I'm still praying to God to make me feel better.

Wish me luck!

* this is the pain meter they use in hospitals- I hurt worst!

Kisses Bitches!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Yes!!! Barbecue!!! You all know how much I love BBQ!
Dave promised today would totally make up for how horrible yesterday was- and in the end- he was right.
The weather was horrible today- I don't like walking in the rain- I don't find it romantic, especially while wearing flip-flops!
We went to the Fairway in Harlem with our food stamps. They have good prices on meats and fruits. It's pretty packed on the weekends- but we left the kiddios with my mom and sister.
So I didn't have to worry about the kids loosing their minds in the middle of the store. I still was in a hurry- because I don't enjoy shopping as much as I used to. Shopping with the kids- is exhausting- and shopping without the kids- I'm worried about them the whole time. I also don't want to stay out too long- otherwise the kids will drive my mom and sister nuts!
So we kind of rushed through fairway. Our cart was overflowing.
They have a room that's a whole freezer- and it's...freezing cold.
I brought a jacket with me- just for this room!
A woman walked up to me- with no jacket, freezing her butt off. They have coats there for people to use, while in the cold room. I suggested this to her- she said that's gross- to which I had to agree. She then started getting closer to me- and closer. I think she was using me for body heat. A little unnerving. But I've had stranger things happen- so I didn't really mind. Dave saw this woman standing really really close to me- and thought it was really funny. I guess I didn't look too comfortable.
Near Fairway is Dinosaur BBQ. I've never been there- but I've wanted to go for a really long time now.
Dave really wanted to go there badly- and it was raining hard- so we went in.
We haven't spent anytime alone in a very long time. I felt a little guilty- I don't know why.
I guess being poor makes me feel like this about every penny I spend.
I had a great time there. It's a really cool place. The food is great and I like how chill everyone is there. While waiting for the yummy food to arrive, and even after the food arrived, Dave and I kept ourselves busy and laughing by taking funny photos of each other with my cellphone.
Dave had a few drinks- I didn't. I haven't drank since my birthday party- where I got piss fucking drunk. Yeah- I don't like drinking the way I used to, I still do enjoy wine though. Anytime, anywhere.
He was pretty tipsy when we left. I was the designated walker- not driver.
We went from there to Michael's and T.J. Maxx.
At Michael's they have little nic-nacs, that Violet really enjoys for like a dollar.
I found out from her school that she really like hamsters! Yeah- I had no idea. Apparently she stole every hamster puzzle piece they had in the classroom and would hoard it- so no one else could play with them.
They had several little toys animals in Michael's. I got her two dinosaurs, a little car and...a hamster.
This woman came up to me and sort of yelled "Hi!" to me. I found it bizarre especially since her lipstick was crooked. I then realized- this crazy person worked there!
When I come across people like that- my gaydar goes off. That was some whacked out lesbian that's for sure. She kind of wouldn't leave me alone- constantly asking me if I needed anything.
After we left there, we went to T.J.Maxx. This is one of my favorite stores. I immediately go to the clearance sections. I was able to get Levi and Violet coats. I also got Levi some awesome T-shirts for about two bucks! And I finally got myself something- a pair of ankle red cowboys boots. Yeaaaaaaaaah baby. Also two pairs of jeans- because as you all know I don't fit into any of my clothes right now. So at least I won't be naked right? At the very least.
We then went home, to an exhausted grandma.
Did I mention Dave was drunk while shopping?! He was ramming the shopping cart into everything! This is why drinking- and shopping cart driving is a bad idea!
(BTW I always have fairway deliver- it ends up better for Dave and my backs)
So the food had just arrived, and I went straight to cooking dinner for everyone. I got a bottle of dinosaur's BBQ sauce and made pork chops for everyone. Delicious!
Except Dave and I were still full from Lunch.
So everyone had a taste of BBQ today- and in the end- that's all that matters right?!
Some fucking great BBQ, that's what!

In the end- today was great- tons better than yesterday.

As always, Kisses Bitches!!
P.S. my wrist still hurts- but I had to blog about today!!

* here's a photo Dave took of me licking a yummy rib- with my phone at Dino BBQ
I highly suggest going there!
And when everyone was done eating- and the kids were bathed. Violet snuggled up with her two dinosaurs and hamster- which totally made my day!

Everything HURTS

On Friday after I came back from Violet's school, I went straight to my doctor's office for an emergency appointment.
I've be feeling really tired lately- and I know my thyroid isn't working right. My legs have been a bit swollen- so I KNOW for sure something isn't right.
It turned out- I gained ten pounds in two months- which is really unnerving because I haven't been doing anything differently, and mostly I feel swollen all over.
Though, to tell you the truth, I was kind of liking my figure- bigger boobs and bigger butt. It made me feel sexy- I know that's very strange for me.
I felt confident in my body- for some strange reason I usually feel more confident in my body when I'm bigger. I have no clue why- especially with my history with eating disorders.
But I wasn't fitting into any of my clothes properly- that was definitely a downside to the weight gain.
My doctor has been monitoring my thyroid for almost a year now- it's been way up and way down. She took yet another blood test.
Every bone in my body was hurting so badly, especially my legs.
Now I'm waiting for the blood test results. I think I injured my right hand wrist somehow- that's why I haven't been able to blog- I have a few moments of little pain in my wrist so I decided this would be the time to type- before the horrible pain takes over. I probably have a small fracture- but I'm hoping that's not the case- cross your fingers for me.
On the way home I made a haircut appointment for myself with my favorite hairstylist- Daniele- at Extreme Color salon. In my opinion he's the best hairstylist on the fucking planet!
And you all know how much I love hair- so you know I know what I'm talking about.
When I came home, Dave suggested we go shopping for the kids fall clothes on Saturday since they don't have any warm clothes for the changing season.
So I had to cancel my beloved haircut appointment- I'm regretting that decision now.
Yesterday was dreadful- for me at least. My sister and Dave had a great time.
I was in so much pain- and struggling to get through the day. I saw nothing I liked for the kids. I did get Violet two books from Barnes and noble.
But yesterday was a complete and total bust! Levi was crying all day long- especially when we entered a store. Violet was great on the other hand. Yeah- no more shopping with Levi for awhile, that's for sure.
When we got home, I saw it was still early enough to maybe go get my hair done ( extreme color is so cheap BTW) - I went outside even through all the pain- only to realize he was booked for the rest of the day- plus I went to the wrong pharmacy to pick up my sister's medications. I was soooooo super depressed. Mostly due to my thyroid. When it's low- I go into a deep depression. It's really hard to fight it. It goes hand in hand with my bipolar disorder.
I realized I almost walked into a moving car!!! I almost got hit- and I didn't even care!
That was a wake up call for me- like a demon had taken over my body and was literally going to kill me. I had to get control of myself- tell myself this feeling isn't real- it's my thyroid and everything will get better soon.
For the rest of the day I was in so much pain. I think Violet and I got a virus from school. Not that day- probably earlier in the week. Violet and I share everything- especially seltzer ( we both love seltzer!). SO her stomach and mine were a mess for a week. And I think that's why I was in so much body pain.
I soaked in the tub when I got home for a long time- hoping the horrible pain would go away.
I didn't of course. So the kids, Dave and I all went to bed early.
I could tell my bipolar was totally out of whack- because in the middle of the night, I started feeling paranoid and I thought I might have to take a geodon.
I wanted to be held by Dave, and cuddled. I know- so unlike me!
I was freaking out for most of the night. I got up and took some benadryl to try to pass the fuck out eventually. Which I did and then woke up to my daughter sitting ON my FACE!!! At around 3 in the morning. Yeah- she finds this so funny! Which normally I would think is funny- except not at around 3 in the morning!

OW- okay my wrist is starting to hurt really badly again- so I'm gonna stop my rant here.

Oh yeah- one more thing. I read on MSN an article about what men like about women- a few days ago. It was really funny- they said things like "long eyelashes"- the whole time I was rolling my eyes. Like seriously??? What lies!!

So I asked Dave that night what he liked best about me this was his EXACT answer:
"Your smile...uh wait, no! Your pussy!!"
We fucking laughed so fucking hard!!! See that's a man's REAL ANSWER!!!

EAT that MSN!!!

Kisses Bitches!!! Work that ASS!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Violet's last day of school

I went with her to school today- to hand out gifts, take photos and say our goodbyes.

It was a very emotional day. I cried a few times- because I was sad to say goodbye to the people that have helped care for my baby girl, and because I saw how much these wonderful instructors care about their kids.
It's such a wonderful school and the people are amazing.
My sister went there over fifteen years ago- they helped her start talking- they were wonderful back then- and still are today.
I loved watching Violet during school today- seeing her so happy. Smiling and giggling all day!
She's changed so much in this past year. I'm so lucky to be her mommy.
She's such a sweet child.

Hey for all I know, Levi will be going there in a year when he turns two- who knows. And I'll get to go through this all over again. ha-ha!
One of her instructors, Emily, was really outstanding. Violet connected so well with her- and grew a lot from her teachings.
I know Violet will miss her and the school a lot.
But I hope to see some of these instructors again.I hope they always feel free to stop by, and see how Violet's doing and say hello.
I cannot say enough good things about the people there. When it was time to put the children on the bus, I saw a lot of them crying- because it was so hard to say goodbye- it was so touching.

I know- this blog post is so mushy- totally unlike me- but that's the way I feel today.

Violet's the star today!!!
Don't worry Levi wasn't left out- when Violet took a nap later- it was "mommy and me" time for him. I gave him a long bath and played with him. So he felt special too.
I know I've mentioned before that Violet is eating Gluten again. So at school they had donuts- and Violet was in heaven! She was the last one at the table eating- she was looking around for other things to eat as well!!! It was so funny!!
So now I figure the way to get her to eat things is to leave the food I want her to eat on plates around the house- and make it seem like it's for other people!!! ha-ha! just kidding of course.
But she did like having a buffet!
That's my girl- always thinking with her stomach ( quote from star wars- geek alert!)

As always...Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo of her in school playing with a toy sheep- she loves animals!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I went to court today...

I can't go into detail- even though I'm DYING to do so- because the case isn't over yet- and I don't know who's listening exactly. So I'm going to play it safe- and when it's all over- I'll dish about it all!

Let's just say it was really difficult to think positive this week- because certain negative things were happening. I felt like it was a test of my faith. And I believe I passed the test with flying colors. PHEW!
The case was adjourned today- yes I know- again- but this time because there weren't ANY trial judges!!! NONE! ZIP! NADA!!! I guess they were all on vacation.
Things have been happening left and right!
We have to take Food stamps to a fair hearing- yet again- because they aren't complying with the court order.
They gave us less than the usual months amount- and no retro! ARGH!
They are being so difficult!!!

My mom was a nervous wreck all week- but she's a very anxious person in general. So I had to calm her worries constantly- because Dave and I felt in our gut everything was going to be okay in the end.
After court today- I looked at my mom in the face- and told her "Has everything I've ever told you would happen- actually happen?"
She answered and nodded "Yes".
I then said "Then you have no stop listening to everyone else from now on. All the naysayers out there- and the negative people." Do you understand?"
She nodded again yes.
Everything I've ever told my mom would happen, did occur. From the time I was young till now.
I told my mom "I have always kept my promises- and I will never let you down."
I always want my mom to know I'm there for her, and we will be okay in the end.
I hate seeing my mom make herself sick with worry.
I just have to have faith- faith there is a reason for everything.

Today I believe was one of those days- the day I see where my faith will take me.
Like I said, I wish I could tell you EVERYTHING, that's been happening this week- and I definitely will- when this is ALL over.

Love you all!
Thanks for listening.
And as always, Kisses Bitches!!!
* photo I found on the net- Simon Cowell (original American Idol Judge) on vacation.
It's kind of like what I picture all the trial judges doing right about now.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Brain is mush and God is listening

The "Mommy brain" excuse is probably past it's expiration date, I'm guessing.
But I totally have it right now. I'll check my email- then log out- then remember something and log back in- and then wonder why the hell I did that?

This is my lucky week- I think God is really listening to me- or has been all along- but came through for me now.

I got Levi's SSI yesterday and I'm so thankful- I had no idea how I was going to buy diapers and food for the rest of the month since food stamps short-changed us.

The minute I got the check I ran to the bank the quickest I've probably ever run in my life. The whole time Nirvana's Heart Shaped Box blasted in my ears through my headphones. IT was such a rush! And as you can tell just by looking at me- I run all the time- uhhh- YEA RIGHT! I don't run- I walk. So when I run I mean business;)
We have to go for yet another hearing for food stamps- to get the amount we were promised.

Thank you God thank you so much!!!

Tomorrow is my daughter's graduation ( from her special school for ages up to 3 years old).
They have a ceremony and the kids have been practicing everyday. I'm really really excited!!!
She's going to be wearing an Easter dress I bought her on sale - duh! around Easter- but we never did anything for Easter, so it wasn't worn even once.

She's going to look like a cupcake! Seriously! And I'm gonna love every freaking minute of it!
Though I have to say I'm sad to say goodbye to a couple of her instructors there that have really been good to us. One calls herself "Violet's biggest fan". She's a such sweetheart! And Violet loves her. I'm going to take lots of photos and videos of my princess- I'm so proud of her!!!! And she's been so affectionate to me lately- it makes me so happy!

On Thursday we have to go to court- this time for the trial.
But instead of feeling anxious- I feel lucky right now.
Kayla, while outside with me spotted two rainbows!!! I really feel like God is listening now more than ever.

In the end- my brain is mush- but God is listening- so it evens out.

Though negative things are still happening left and right- I try to fight the negative thoughts that invade my brain every second of the day. It's difficult- but totally worth it in the end if this week work's out like I hope and pray it will.

I'm still fighting depression-because I'm still bipolar and all- but at least now I have things to look forward to- and I feel like things are getting better- not worse.

Thanks everyone for all of your support!!!
As Always Kisses Bitches!!!

P.S. -Violet was watching her favorite show Mickey Mouse Clubhouse ( the new ones not the old) and was yelling "Go!Go! Go!Go!" out of nowhere to Goofy to run in the race in the episode- and punching an imaginary punching bag the entire time- it was one of the cutest, funniest things I've ever seen- I tried to video tape it but she stopped the minute she saw she was being recorded! She's so FUNNY!!!

*photo found on the net of who else other than N.P.H. dude! With a double freaking rainbow in the background! See, rainbows are magical!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Horrible Horrible Weekend! REALLY!

This weekend my sister and my mom went away - my mom to her sister's and my sister to her friend's house.
I've learned that if they ever do this again- at the same time I will fucking LOSE IT!
The mornings are very difficult for Dave, as you all know. He's quite...well...bat shit fucking crazy in the morning. And this morning I was afraid he was going to pass out on the freaking floor.
It was scary.
Plus both my kids have been acting so freaking nuts this weekend- Levi has been crying all the time- and Violet hasn't been herself either. I really don't know what's wrong exactly- but I was positive I could not handle them by myself this morning. When Levi gets upset he throws himself to the floor- head first! Yeah- he's a head banger and Violet is a trouble maker- this weekend has been total chaos.
The only way I have a few minutes to write this blog entry is because my son finally passed out in the crib after hours and hours of crying and head banging.
I almost cried myself- I was so frustrated. And Dave was really not his old cheery self this morning- or any morning to be exact.
We've been arguing most of this weekend.
I've been feeling self-conscious for awhile now- for several reasons. One being Dave hasn't been wanting to be intimate with me, and was coming up with excuse after excuse.
I started thinking it was me- I was the problem- maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore- or maybe I wasn't good in bed anymore- it was really bothering me.
Since everyone was away last night, we thought here's our chance- well it didn't work out the way we planned.
Before I go any further- just wanted you all to know- it was Dave's idea I write about this. He loves my honesty in my writing and he felt it was important for me to share- otherwise I would never write about this.
We started getting intimate and then things just got worse. I started to be in pain- I have no clue why- yet another reason to see a doctor- and then Dave do I put this...couldn't finish. So I started crying- yeah- because I thought it was me and these feelings have just been piling up. Dave assured me- that it wasn't me- and then asked me why I automatically thought it was my fault and not his?
But he knew why- I'm always putting myself down and I always feel I'm the problem.
We talked for a long long time. And he decided that he has to go to the doctor, because he hasn't been in the mood for awhile now- and he wants to know what's causing it. It might be his weight, it might be his blood pressure medication, we don't know.
Dave was insane with the kids, when he's sleep deprived and angry- especially in the mornings- I always dread the mornings.
So I told him today- maybe we shouldn't have anymore babies.
We argued- Dave definitely wants more children and I LOVE kids but this is out of hand- dealing with two special needs kids- and a rage filled husband, at times- well it's overwhelming most of the time. And I kind of feel alone because almost all my friends can't understand what I'm going through. They don't have kids with special needs- they don't understand autism at all- besides my life is a ton more complicated than just having two kids- there's a lot more to my life than just that.
I'm sad- overwhelmed by everything- frustrated I can't fix everything right away.
I'm also dreading going to the doctor again.
Like I said- it's been a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE WEEKEND.

I think more than anyone right now on the fucking planet, I NEED a vacation!
But since that's not happening anytime soon- I'll just cry myself to sleep- eventually. Maybe tonight, perhaps?

Who knows.

Peace out Bitches!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Being Bipolar is similar to having A.D.H.D.

I'm stating this fact at the beginning of this post- why- because you may see that my blog posts are kind of all over the place sometimes.
I don't ever have just one thought- it's usually more like 17 at the same exact time.
I'm trying to write all these thoughts at once- before I forget them- another reason being bipolar is similar to having A.D.H.D.
That's probably why my sister and I understand each other so very well.
Right now- if I were to list every single thought going through my mind right now- it would be chaos- truly.

Here, let's give it a go:

I have court this week-I'm freaking out - my thyroid isn't working properly and is low again- I feel tired- I'm frustrated-why were my babies acting so crazy today- I'm tired of explaining my life to my friends and why I'm not able to get together a lot- how difficult some days are and how much I struggle to get through them- I'm angry- sad- depressed- How's Violet feeling- I'm sad that my babies are sick all the time- I wish I could know what's wrong and fix it- I feel unimportant and like no one listens to me- did my boobs get bigger?-Was there someone I was supposed to call- or something I was supposed to do that I'm forgetting??? And on and on and on.

These are my thoughts- crowded- ALL the time- there is no silence in my head. Even when meditating- which is SO difficult for me- I just gave up trying after awhile.
I'm worrying about hundreds of things at once. I always feel behind- I was supposed to call this doctor, person, friend, therapist- yesterday or last week. No matter how much I get done in a day it's never ALL done. I'm always forgetting things. Probably because of all these thoughts in my head at once. I can't seem to focus on one thing for too long.
Sometimes- I'd really really like to just space out and have nothing to do or think about.
I wish I could just feel happy- and quiet all the negative worries in my head. And this is actually me trying to do that.

P.S.- Dave says I need an assistant- and so does the children. Yeah! We all need personal assistants!!! An assistant that will work for free- and is AWESOME.
Well since that's never gonna happen. You're just going to have to deal with my crazy unorganized head for awhile, how about that?!

Kisses to my fellow crazy bitches out there!
* photo of Crazy Harry- seemed to fit.

Friday, August 13, 2010

So many new things to tell you!!!

We've reintroduced gluten to my daughter's diet- just a little-because her nutritionist suggested we do this. Violet is a "problem feeder" She's extremely picky and can go for days without eating or drinking- which can be a bit of a problem.

Dave and I were so scared that she would regress, and stop imitating sounds and such- but we were happily surprised. She's doing great!!! And yes- she is a bit more hyperactive- but she's happy- and REALLY REALLY FAST! She can out-run anyone, anytime, anywhere!
We had such a busy week. We took her to the sprinklers, the playground, the sensory gym. She's so funny! She's been trying new foods!
I was eating corn on the cob the other night- and she saw it- and STOLE IT! She ran to her table and started chomping down on it! It was so funny! She ended up eating 3 of them!
Then later that night, we gave her a bath- and she wanted out because she heard her favorite movie on the T.V. ( cloudy with a chance of meatballs) Dave asked her if she wanted to come out of the bath- she shot up out of the water yelled in her sweet little girl voice "Si!" I guess she's picking up Spanish from her friends at school. I better learn some Spanish already huh? Sucks that Dave's such a horrible teacher! I better use some Rosetta Stone, huh?
She's been affectionate to me- hugging me and sitting on my lap- this makes me so very happy!
I'm always thinking of my next blog entry- which makes me think I'm getting closer and closer to sitting down and writing my book. I need courage to sit down and write this thing- well that and spare time. I know certain family members will be angry with me- and I have to kind of...not give a damn. Which is difficult for me. There's so much I want to share with you guys- but like I've said before a blog isn't the place.
I also feel maybe when I get all the bad and good memories out of my head and onto paper maybe I'll be able to finally move on. Some of the memories haunt me at night. Sometimes I long for the days- after I had my seizures- where I didn't remember anything. Where all the bad things I've done were erased from my mind. Dave and me had to start from scratch- because I didn't remember our relationship- or anything that came before that moment.
I still can't remember a lot of faces from my past- Exes, old friends. If I were to see them on the street, I wouldn't notice. People think I'm being rude- but it's nothing like that- there's just certain parts of my brain- that don't put two and two together -such as faces from my past.
So don't take it personally if I don't recognize you. In fact, if we were cool, you should say hi to me. If we weren't, well...then it's probably a good idea I don't remember you, huh?
I remember when my memories started to come back. I would lay awake crying- in disbelief that was me that did such things- put myself in those situations.
It was very difficult for me to deal with. It's taken many years for me to get to this point where I can share such things. It's still difficult at times though.
Plus- I've never imagined myself to be a writer. Dave is the writer- he's an amazing writer- and knows just about everything there is to know about the English language. He's brilliant. He's the writer, just like my sister's the artist. I don't ever think I have what it takes to compete with them- since they are the experts.
I feel I'm a hack when it comes to writing. I just write the way I think.
My book will probably be criticized a lot for such amateur writing.
My hopes for my book, is that it helps some bipolars out there- that feel alone and that no one understands what they're going through. That not every bipolar- has a sad ending- and it's possible to have a happy and long life. Well that's my hopes- that's all.
Kisses Bitches- and always thanks for listening to my dumbass self:)

*old funny photo of Violet when she was less than a year old- too cute, right?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I HATE everything-

Okay- that's not completely true.

But do you ever have days like that?!

I know I had that yesterday. I wasn't hating on other people or anything- just myself. I have been depressed lately- the low points of being bipolar- these things happen I know- but I fight it the whole way.

I took Vi and Lee to the playground yesterday with Violet's therapist and I had a great time. Like everything I do with the kiddios, I HAVE to take photos. Luckily I got a great deal on a lens for my favorite camera on eBay- since my back-up camera is dying- I wasn't left with any choice. But I'm very happy to have my fave camera back and running. It's a little beat up, but it still works- thank goodness.
I also had Kayla take some photos of Lee and me.

I really know I'm depressed when I start looking at the photos and start picking myself apart.
I hate this- I hate that. Basically I'm hating the way I look entirely.
I feel like I'm going through puberty again- I'm look so awkward and shit. It's so frustrating!
Of course Dave tells me it's all in my head, I look great- yada yada yada.

It's like a demon in my head-just feeding all my insecurities. It's so hard fighting back.
I feel like burning all my old clothes- but I have none to replace them with. This is always how my eating disorder starts. It's not going to happen this time- for several reasons- one, I have kids to look after- two, I have too many people "policing" me right now. Which is a good thing- when it comes to me and my self-destructive qualities. I admit that.

And then I look at other people with all this confidence. I envy them. And yes- I do have days where I feel confident- but than I'll see a photo of myself- and all that confidence will fade away in a flash.

I want a total makeover- I really do- a total "mind, body and spirit" makeover.

Besides all this- I'm having night after night of nightmares. All very bizarre. One of last night's nightmares- was that I was the worst at everything I tried. I was laughed at and made fun of by everyone. It was so frustrating. I kind of feel like that at times. That I suck at nearly everything. I know this is all self-hating talk but it's what going through my sick mind at the moment. I feel like hiding under a rock- till this awkward stage is finally over. I feel like I go through this stage so often. Where nothing feels like it's working right.

Depression and me- it's such a bizarre relationship. It really is. Because even though I was having such a good time at the playground, watching Violet explore and have fun, the minute I get back home- the sadness and frustration come right back like the good things in the day never happened. I know these feelings of mine aren't logical in anyway, shape or form- but it's a real feeling- my brain makes it feel real.

When I was a kid, around 3 or 4 years old, I remember not being able to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Sometimes that still happens to me- where I feel dreams bleeding into days, bleeding into my reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, what's really happening and what isn't.

I know you're probably thinking- I'm crazy. And truthfully- you're completely right.
I am crazy- straight up. I'm not denying it.

And I have yet to meet people that feel the same way as me. That have the trouble I have with telling the difference between dreams and reality- unless they're junkies- then they understand me perfectly. But I'm not a junkie- so what's my excuse??? And I certainly wasn't a three year old junkie- so really what's wrong with me? What three year old has to ask themselves- if something is really happening or not?

For all I know, that happens to my daughter, and she can't tell me this because she cannot speak. I know my kids could be bipolar. I also know my kids could be schizophrenic- because that also runs in my husband's family. There's all the things I keep a look out for. I'm not scared of them- I just want to be aware. If it happens to my kids I don't want them being afraid- I want to teach them how to handle these things. Not that I'm so great at that. But no one knew how to help me when I was younger.

And so much such was happening inside my head when I was a little kid- I didn't share with anyone- because I didn't know how. I KNEW I was different from everyone- every single person I met- I knew I thought differently- my mind worked differently. I kind of dumbed myself down to get along with people. I'm not saying my friends where stupid or anything like that- they were typical kids- with typical kid's thoughts- I on the other hand- had so much going on inside my head- a lot of my thoughts were very dark and eerie.

When I think of my childhood, it's mostly dark. And it's not my mom's fault- she was a great mom and my mom's family showed me nothing but love. My dad on the other hand- well that's a completely different story- and maybe if I ever sit down, have the time and finally write a book, maybe I'll have the courage to talk about. But I feel a blog isn't the place for that right now.

Bipolar in most cases- "activates" in people in their twenties usually- or even teens.
I feel it can happen way earlier- I feel I was born bipolar- at no point did it get activated. Sure in my twenties I went full on manic- and dangerous. But there were things going on way earlier than that for me. Bipolar's onset can also caused by trauma. That is also a possibility for me.

Either way a lot of things I've experienced-have shaped me into the person I am today- well that is and isn't completely true. I shaped myself into the person I am today.
If I let my childhood dictate the parent I would become- than I would probably be a really shitty parent. But I fought that every step of the way.
I've always promised myself to be the best freaking parent I can possibly be- and even better.
I see all the mistakes people have made with their children- and I fight to never ever let that happen to my kids. They will always come first, before me-always!

Given no matter how great a parent you are, whatever your child is meant to become he or she will, despite your greatest efforts. But I strive to give my kids the best childhood they can have- so at least I know I did my part in raising them. I have no clue what's in store for my kids- who they will become- or who they are meant to be.

I fight everyday against myself- to try to not put myself down in front of my kids- I never want my kids to hate themselves. My daughter kisses the mirror when she sees her reflection- I want that thing to stay that way- I'd rather she be vain- than hate herself. I want her to always feel beautiful. Same for my son.

Sorry this is such a long blog post.

Don't worry... my book will be much much longer- and it'll finally have some answers- if I have the balls to write about everything. We'll see, won't we?

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo i found on the net- seemed fitting.

Monday, August 9, 2010

I need to feel NEEDED!

Right now, as I write this blog with one hand, the other is holding my son on my lap. He's cuddling with me. He doesn't care that I'm on the computer- he wants his "mommy time".
I always feel needed by him. When I'm cooking dinner he waits at the doorway gate for me.

It's important for me to feel needed. Without that feeling- I feel emtpy- like there's no purpose for me to exist.

I remember when Violet was born, Dave and my opinions differed on how to raise her. He wanted her to learn to soothe herself to sleep (which didn't work for many years- every baby is different) I argued that this wouldn't work (and I was right) but he was in "pyscho dad mode" at this point, and felt he knew everything. I felt that they didn't need me- that all Violet needed was her daddy. Did I mention I was suffering from major post-partem depression (depression after having a child). I didn't feel needed, and I was in a deep depression- truthfully I was really suicidal at that moment. Luckily I was able to pull through and feel needed again.

I know I'm needed by my family- since I run the house and such- but the feeling I get from Levi when all he wants is me- is priceless. There is no better feeling in my book.

Violet has always been closer with her daddy. Somedays I mind it, but most I'm fine with it.
She goes days without realizing I'm even here- I'll feel bad- and then the next day she'll look at me like "Mom!!! Where have you been?! I've been looking for you! So glad to see you!"
Yeah, that's kind of how her autism works. I'm not her one and only- and that's okay.

But for Levi- I am his one and only- I make his world go round- and that makes me feel great. So what if he's a mama's boy right now- he's only a year old and I know this is a phase- so I'm sucking it all up while I still can! Every minute of it!!! Sometimes he'll have a hard time going to sleep, so I'll rock him in my arms and he'll be at peace. I tell both my kids, I love them more than everything or anything. More than the moon, the stars, the sky, the tress, the flowers- even breathing. They are my everything. And even though I may not be my daughter's everything- I know when she's scared or gets hurt I'm the one she runs to- and that means everything to me.

I'm scared of the day- they don't need me anymore- well not really scared- I'm just not looking forward to it at the very least.
I need to feel needed- that's just me. And maybe the need I feel seems ridiculous to you- but it's what gets me through the long hard days.

The hugs and kisses- the waiting for me by the doorway gate, the crying when I leave, the excitement when I walk in through the front door- thats what makes me the happiest mom of all.
Thanks for listening:)
* photo of my son on the swings- happy as can be.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

My kitchen is haunted

It's true!!! Well actually my whole apartment is haunted and has been since I could remember. I really used to be freaked out by it when I was little. I'm still scared but not as much as I used to be. In the kitchen things always come crashing down at all hours of the day and night when no one's in there. Today the refrigerator tried to kill me. First it closed on my ankle-owww! Then the freezer door closed while I was picking something up-and BAM!!! My head connected with the freezer door so fucking hard I felt like I had to go sleep! I put ice on it, and felt better soon. Dave told me- "Hey don't you dare go Natasha Richardson, on me, OKAAAAY?!!!" Which totally scared me, to which he then said "Or I'll fuck you up!"- which I knew he was joking, but I understood. He's always scared of something happening to me- like me dying. He always tells me he doesn't know what he'd do without me, which is very sweet.

This week's been hard- right now as I write this I'm having a nose bleed- it won't stop due to the advil I took for my head injury.

Oh dear G-d, things have to get better than this soon, right?!

On a good note I had a meeting with Vi's feeding therapist and her nutritionist. It went very well. I adore all her therapists- but I do have my favorites. They are such amazing people. I'm so thankful for all the help they give to Violet and us. We are very blessed to have them in our lives.

My nose is still bleeding, it will probably take a very long long time to stop. Argh!!!

In the meantime it is fun grossing out my sister who gets really scared by the sight of blood.

I'm still a kid, I swear!

Kisses Bitches- stay outta the kitchen!!!!

P.S. Where's the freakin. Ghostbusters when I need 'em?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

End of the day...

Y'all know how depressed I've been lately. But now near the end of the day- I feel much better- at least for now.
Levi's had a fever for a few days now- AND he's teething really really badly. His top teeth are finally coming in. So all morning he was crying and I was holding and rocking him. My social worker came over, she's more like family now, than just a social worker to me.

She's one of the best people I know! She's helped me through such tough times- I adore her, she's like a second mom to me.

She fights for me, beside me, all the time-for SSI, for food stamps, for medicaid, everything- she's an angel.

She came over today and made me feel SO much better. I cried to her- and she understood why I was feeling so depressed. She's spent most of her life fighting for her children, and for other people's rights- I'm in awe of her and really look up to her a lot.

Today I've been feeling really sick as well, probably coming down with a cold or something. Who knows anymore?

So I took some medication- and passed the fuck out once I knew Dave was awake and Levi went for a nap. Violet was still in the middle of therapy so I felt everyone was being taken care of properly.

You know I HATE naps- but this was needed. I felt very disoriented when I woke up- but went straight to cooking dinner.

So now everyone's fed and happy.

BTW- I'm always asked what my kids favorite things are?

Violet's- the color blue and green. She LOVES cars ( and raceways), puzzles ( I know- I have no idea why this makes her so happy), numbers (she can count to 30- that we know of), balloons, basketballs, baby toys ( anything her brother gets she takes), bubbles and of course MONKEYS! Mainly her Gorilla- but she goes to bed with all her stuffed animals- we call them the Congo commandos- or monkey militia.

Levi- the color HOT pink...he's starting to like the colors blue and red, soft fluffy stuffed animals, he likes ducks, baby toys that light up and have music ( he doesn't know how to play with it properly but he loves the sounds),balls, bubbles, balloons, mickey mouse clubhouse, Olivia (the pig- Violet likes Mickey Mouse and Olivia also), soft blankets, and of course being held by mommy- all freakin' day long. He also likes to bang (hit) stuff- including his head.

Mommy's little head banger.

That's it for now- Kisses Bitches!
*photo of her favorite Gorilla, bought by my dear friend Sarah! I can't thank you enough! This is her best buddy!

I think I'm a good luck charm...

for everyone else that is- for me- not so much at all.
All these bad things keep happening to us- I'm so frustrated and depressed.
My babies and I keep getting sick- and our court case is coming up this month. And even though we have such a great case against them, I know they play dirty and lie- so I have no clue what to expect.
I'm just tired of it all, ya know? Having to fight for everything!
Nothing comes easily- I'm just breaking down at this point.
I see all these great things happening to those around me, and for that I'm very thankful and grateful, I just wonder when it's our turn- for something great to happen.
For us to have the money to get out of this shit hole, and move into a beautiful new home.
For my family and I to stop getting sick every month.
I'm crying all morning- and I can't stand it.
You all know how much I don't like to cry.
But I feel like I can't stop. I'm supposed to be strong for my family- but I don't feel very strong right now.
I know feeling this way isn't going to help anything- and I'm trying to fight it as best I can.

Thanks for listening- sorry to be a downer.

Monday, August 2, 2010


Woke up this morning after having nightmares. These nightmares- are reoccurring.
A few days ago, in my dream, I saw a baby with blond curly hair fall out of a window of a building I've never ever seen before, while the baby's parents were distracted. I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance- I remember being traumatized in my dream- the baby turned out to be fine somehow.

Again, last night I saw the same baby about to fall out of a window of the same building from the previous dream- I was telling everyone around me, that I saw this happen in a dream and they have to help me save this child. I end up saving the child-only to flash forward in my dream to the same child a little older- his grandmother had died in his apartment, and she was his last remaining relative, he decided later that day to commit suicide.

Yeahhhhhhhh- this was a really fucked up dream- ask me what it means? I have no clue. When I woke up Lee started crying- I went to his crib and he was still crying- which is very unusual for him, he usually smiles when he sees me- so I knew something was wrong- he was burning up with a high fever. He was shaking. I put him in a cool bath immediately with me- to help cool him down. He was really out of it- but slowly his temperature cooled down.

The rest of my day didn't go that much better.

I waited in the doctor's office for almost two hours- just for a two minute visit- the doctor told me nothing I didn't know before- keep treating the fever. The doctor has no clue- yet again- why my children are getting these high fevers every month.

I was depressed all day. I haven't been feeling well- nauseous and whatnot- so I took a cheap pregnancy test ( from the dollar store- don't put it down, it WORKS!), it turned out negative of course. I don't what what I was expecting after all.

I've been reading all these articles about infertility and babies. One article talked about wealthy parents that went through invitro and ended up pregnant with twins. Apparently the father didn't want twins so they basically aborted one while in the first trimester. I was so horrified reading this! I would never ever do that no matter what-that's scary! Even if I were pregnant with 6 babies- I would have and love and be thankful for those 6 babies. Some people are horrible parents- why do they get kids? And meanwhile people judge me, for wanting more children-because I am poor. I feel I'm a way better parent than most of the wealthy families around here who treat their kids like accessories.

I see pregnant women everywhere I go. Sometimes even though a woman has had a child in the past, doesn't necessarily mean she'll have a second, or third. It's just not a given anymore.

So I had to realize this might take a really long time. And thinking that really got me down.

Then in Duane Reade I saw a 7 month old little girl, and started talking with the babies parents. The baby was smiling at me and I was talking and giggling with the little girl. The dad said to me, "Wow, you certainly know your way around babies!" I said while smiling from ear to ear "Yeah well... I do have two of my own."

That made me feel so good. Seeing the little girl smile and laugh- reminding me how much I want more kids, and how very much I love the ones I have. I know I'm most definitely blessed with the ones I have- I just want more- I'm probably just greedy that way;)

I love kids, what can I say?

So I'm still depressed a bit...well more than a bit..but I just snuggle up with Levi and Violet and they make me feel so much better.

Thanks for listening.... bitches.
*beautiful photo I foundon the net- makes me smile. Hope it makes you smile too.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

More things married people say to each other...

Dave and I talk smack all the time.
I've mentioned before my recent love for Nutella- it's brilliant- I cry when I'm running low on this shit- it's that fucking good!

Dave apparently doesn't feel the same way as me and started to insult my dear Nutella (he said "If a Carebear could shit..."- before he could finish- I said-"Don't be sayin' shit about my Nutella!"
He responded "Or what?!"
Without missing a beat I said "Or I'll FUCK YOU UP!!!!"
And then we both started hysterically laughing.

So for the rest of the day, any time he wasn't listening or doing something I wanted him to, I told him I'd FUCK HIM UP!!
It totally made my day.
Another thing I've been saying to him all weekend- "Don't make me bitch slap you!"
And if you read the previous blog- you'd know why that's so fucking funny!

That's my story of the day- ENJOY!
*Another brilliantly hilarious photo found on the Internet