Friday, December 4, 2009

Mania = self-absorbed prick

I have come to realize just about EVERY single famous person on the planet is bipolar.
Mania is how they have achieved fame. Mania is very interesting. It's different for each person. But one thing across the board manic people feel- is invincible.
Like they're superheroes, they won't take no for an answer and nothing will stop them from achieving what it is they wish to achieve.
Hence most famous people, bipolar people are inherently ASSHOLES.
They feel superior, therefore they are.
But in all actuality Bipolars are obnoxious, self-absorbed pricks.
And yes I have been this, most definitely. I have hurt many many people in my lifetime thus far. And I have a lot of regrets. I wish I'd treated the people that loved me better, because they certainly deserved better.
Most actors ARE self-absorbed. To be a great actor they kind of have to be.
I've seen models come and go. Most models are surprise, surprise, bipolar!
The need for constant attention is quite sickening.

I have been a model for many years now. It is my profession. It is how I made a living.
Do I like models? Not really- actually probably not at all.
The models I DO like are some of the ones I have personally shot.
Besides being a model, I also do photography.
The handful of models I'm still friends with- are way more than mere models ( a very self-absorbed profession) they are great individuals, smart, funny, caring, talented.
I love the crap out of them.
I wonder why a lot of the models I have known wanted to become models.
Was it because they were insanely insecure? Was it just the want for pretty photos of themselves? Are they extremely vain? Because you know almost ALL vain people are extremely insecure.
Some models get LOST in modeling. In the fake world of modeling.
Of everyone telling you how beautiful you look, etc.
In the end it's ALL fake. Even their compliments are fake.
These models become "characters". Which is probably the worst thing I've witnessed.
Whatever REAL person was inside of them quickly dies, never to be seen again.
Most characters act, well...stupid.
They dumb themselves down so people will like them.
This insane ever consuming need to be liked.

Why did I start modeling- well it all started by accident really.
Started with someone asking me to audition for a part in a Disney movie when I was a kid. I was kind of hooked from that point on. My obsession with fashion and movies.
Then came in crazy insecurity and the eating disorders- many that almost killed me repeatedly. I was hospitalized several times, each time swearing I'd get better. But I didn't. It was a really bad downward spiral. In my twenties I got work pretty regularly. Most non-paid gigs at first to really build my portfolio. Plus photographers were very cheap- most still are.
It became my living. I did easily 5 shoots a week.

My bipolar really prevented me from doing well in a 9-5 work setting. I tried, believe me.
I made my boss CRY! And my co-workers quit because they realized after a long conversation with me there was no room "to grow" in the office we were in.
What can I say- I love controversy.

And that's why modeling has always been great for me. One day- one boss- that's it.
Not the same people day in and out. I liked meeting creative people with great ideas.
I liked creating art and being a part of something magical.
Not to say it was always great. I've come across many GWCs (Guy with camera) in my life. Sleazy guys who say they're photographers to get to sleep with models.
I've had really HORRIFYING experiences as a model.
That's why I wonder why people want to model. It's at times- terrible and scary and dangerous.
Most people are naive and think it must be fabulous. But reality is it's not.
In the end, I want to be more than a model, or even a photographer. I want to help people, be involved with charities, be able to donate. Work for causes like Autism awareness, League of Hard-of-Hearing, help the homeless, the list goes on and on.
And I'm not going to help people by being a model, or playing a character.
In the end a photo is just a photo, a model is just a model and character is just a character.
This is nothing of substance. Wouldn't you want to be MORE? In all sense of the word,
just MORE. More than pretty, more than a face, more than a body, but someone of substance, of worth?
I know I wanted to be and am. My family, Dave and my children have changed me.
I don't live a selfish life anymore. I LIVE for my children. I work my ass off every single freakin g-ddamn day for my son and my daughter.
I don't live to be liked. I don't live to be photographed. I don't LIVE to be accepted by society.
I live to be LOVED by my kids. The people that matter most to me in this world of chaos and stupidity.
Because isn't it all just stupid?
At the end of the day, I know my kids have been fed, they have learned, they have laughed, smiled, and have been loved unconditionally by me. And I will never ever stop being MORE. More than a model, more than a face, a body.
I am MORE.

1 comment:

  1. Im always so worried about that. I mean I enjoy taking pics and I want to be a successful actress and musician and yes I would love to make money doing so. However the main goal in my success is helping my family and friends (who are one in the same to me). I always have this "I wanna save everyone" mentality. Where I know if I make enough money I would be able to help people I care about get out of the financial ruts they are in. Yeah, I wanna splurge on myself as well but I just dont get how celebrities do it and not think about the people who surround them in their lives. Its almost always just about them. I personally dont think any of it is worth jack if you cant share with the people you love. I see celebrities just be these assholes, bitches, and self absorbed pricks and I just dont understand how they can be that way. I could go on forever on this topic but my hands are getting tired lol.