Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I don't care if you agree or not this is my religion. Wiccans believe in no harm to others what so ever.
" Witchcraft is a nature based life affirming religion that follows a moral code and seeks to build harmony among people and empower the self and others"-silver ravenwolf.
I tonight on the full moon will dedicate myself to wiccan religion.
I don't care who this upsets. My life has always upset people. ALWAYS!
I've always disappointed family members over and over again. So what makes tonight different than any other night? Doesn't mean my kids won't celebrate Christmas, their favorite holiday, or easter. They shall be allowed to choose their own religion when the time comes. I'm spiritual in many ways and see why certain aspects of religions work and why others don't. I still say God bless you. Because I believe in a God or goddess. I believe we are all connected the earth, moon and sky. Humans have the power of creation inside them. We all do. We have gifts we are not sinners.
This is me just being honest with you like always. Later on we'll talk about my past. Now that's a story and a half not to make you proud.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Your main bipolar bitch
Thursday, February 21, 2013
I made it! Didn't think I would but I did! Can't believe it!
It was help from my Empress ( my fiancee), Joan, my kids, my family, even my ex- tried to heal my depression. it's still there but I take adderall now. the only thing that helps a bit. The depression is strong but my will my power is stronger. Plus I apply to modelling jobs daily that gives me a sense of hope. I hope to one day be on the cover of Nylon magazine or Time Out NY, or even Elle magazine.
I'm a good model- actually that's putting myself down. I'm a great model. I'm also a great photographer when I'm not depressed. It's like a demon I fight daily to try to be a better mom a better person, not a useless human being crawled up in bed crying. I also am fighting fibromyalgia- which means my whole body hurts BADLY on a daily basis but I can fight it but some days it wins- like yesterday I was stuck in bed crippled in pain completely devoid of emotion or usefulness. I want to work and not be depressed anymore- not be bipolar anymore. I want to be happy experience true happiness. Real happiness. Modeling makes me happy. I want to try acting. I gotta grow some balls and try acting. I haven't made any money so far. I'm still poor as fuck using duck tape as shelves in my refrigerator. Now the car won't start and we have no insurance. But I'm trying so damn hard to use The Secret. And aim big, not small and think positive that money is coming my way and things will be easier from now on. My phone was shut off today but will be turned back on because we promised a payment in two weeks. Things may look bad but that's already the past. I'm not bitching. I'm just speaking. Things will get better and Are getting better. I will get that Nylon cover. I will get that Time Out NY cover and Elle Cover. I will have money and good health. My kids will be healthy. We will have a brand new car and new home where we are our own landlords. Not like now where he harasses us weekly and where things are broken and don't get fixed. We will have our dreams come true. All that shit happened yesterday that was me yesterday. This will be me today and tomorrow. watch out world, because I'm coming to getcha.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Of my own free will. It was destroying me and my memories. Plus giving me the absolute worst migraines in history! So I decided to stop and just up my medications by a ton and a half. Drugs don't ever scare me.
As a former druggy.
This postpartum is kicking my ass. Been hospitalized twice and had electro shock treatment 7 times. And nothing worked. Tried all kinds of medications and still nothings worked. I cry myself to sleep most nights. My doc prescribed me adderall hoping to put me in a manic state. Nothing so far.
I've lost hope and feel another hospitalization is around the bend. How did it get so bad and stay so bad this long? I have no idea. I guess being a victum of sexual abused can do this. I just can't seem to get over it.
I'm tired of feeling this way. Of feeling this oberwhelming sadness. These suicidal thoughts. I want to feel happiness again. Real and true happiness. What is that?! Can someone show me?
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The green eyed monster. I cannot help but feel that way this holiday. I feel my poverty more than ever. I went into Macys and feel less than all the people shopping happily for the holidays with all their kids in tow. Em liked several things there and I felt horrible and incompetent that I could not get these things for her. She does so much for our family without a complaint. She always does everything for everyone else and nothing for herself. She's so giving and I cannot give or buy her anything. I'm less than. I envy those who can buy things and enjoy shopping. I panic while shopping and desperately wanna shop so badly for those I love and care about. I love malls and wanna enjoy shopping again so desperately. Everytime I think I can't get any more poor, God has a surprise for me, more poverty. My mom used to cry for the holidays. She was depressed every holiday session because of money problems and here I am following in her footsteps. I cry every single day multiple times. I cannot feel happiness this holiday session. It's stabbing me in the chest. I feel complete sadness no joy.
Happy holidays to those that can feel happiness and joy.
Your main bipolar bitch
Monday, December 10, 2012
I feel empty. Just a shell of a person. I'm making the motions but not feeling anything. I cannot feel happiness like other people. I feel it not even halfway, not completely. Only sadness can I feel with my entire being. I feel left out of the world. Still a reject. Not whole. Not complete. Empty inside. Why am I so different? Why can't I feel? Feel like other people? I wonder if my meds make this worse or not? If it numbs me? I don't want to be off my meds. I'm actively trying my hardest to get better. Well as good as I can get. I wonder if anything will work? Right now nothing is. I'm just empty. I should feel happiness, I'm with my soulmate and I have three beautiful children. But I just can't feel. Only emptiness.
Well that's all for now.
Wish I could end the numbness.
Your main bipolar bitch
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Sorry I've been M.I.A. lately. I've been severely depressed. A few days ago I was so depressed I wanted to die. Everyday differs in severity. But it's bad. I try to spend time with my kids and love them the best I can but depression has no logic it just is. I am bipolar it comes with the job. I just try to control it with meds and soon more e.c.t. treatment but it's not controlled right now it's loose. Being below poverty level doesn't help my depression either. Sweating at the cashier at keyfood over the total cost for food doesn't help. My kids need clothes but I have no money for that nor food. Times are really tough and about to get tougher. My mom's unemployment runs out soon and we will be near homeless then. I'm panicking. Having panic attacks daily, sobbing all the time. I can't help it. I need to figure out how we are going to survive because we are really struggling now, later on it'll be worse. That's why I posted that campaign to raise money. I'm desperate and unable to work. Barely able to function. Actually not functioning at all. My fiancee carries the weight of me and our children. I love her so because without her I'm worthless. I feel bad she has to carry to weight of me it makes my depression worse that I'm like a child unable to care for myself. She's my rock, my soulmate, my everything. Our kids are cared for properly. I cannot thank her enough. All I am able to do is love them. I hate being the crazy mom. I gave myself that title because that's all I'll ever be. Crazy. Clinically insane. No matter how much e.c.t. or meds I'll never be normal or cured. I'll always be crazy and different. A freak forever. I'll try to post more often but please understand if I can't.
Love your main bipolar bitch
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thank you in advance. please spread the word.
Spent all of yesterday crying, my doctor decided to put me on lithium. Hopefully I don't gain weight, that would make me spiral into a deep depression.
Other side effects include hair thinning and hair loss- am I ever meant to have long hair and it not fall out??!!!!
Hopefully this drug works I resume E.C.T. treatments mid-December. The doctor that performs the procedure is on vacation until December 11th. How nice for him, right?
I tried my first pill last night. I'm still tired. I wanna lock myself in my room and watch movies and look at fashion magazines and not do a single chore. Never gonna happen.
I'll keep you updated on how lithium goes. If I gain weight it'll all go to my boobs and ass and thighs. I'm not ready for that. To be a BIG girl again. I just lost most of the baby weight- down from 200 lbs to 130lbs. in 7 months. Not easy, I felt sick most of the time. Now I'm vegetarian again after a few years of meat eating. Going back to my roots. Spent most of my teenage years being a vegetarian. The dietitian said I'm malnourished technically, losing that amount of weight so quickly. Most of it it due to having Crohn's disease. But I'm not ready to move up the scale. This morning I was starving and couldn't stop eating. OH NO. This isn't good.Hopefully this effect wears off and lithium itself won't add weight to me, without the help of food.Luckily my fiancee likes me with meat, otherwise I'd be screwed. If this pill makes me better but I gain weight- I'll have to consider the pros and cons. I want to be better for our children and my fiancee. If I can get past the weight gain, this might be the drug for me, who knows? It's a bipolar staple drug.
In the meantime, Vivi,Lee and their father are sick, I'm running a hospital here. My kids are always sick. I have yet to meet families like mine- with autistic kids with immune deficiencies. Dealing with autism alone in two kids is a lot of work, add in that they are sick all the time makes it even more difficult. I love our children, it's hard watching them be ill all the time. I'm trying to fix it. Going to numerous doctors trying to find a solution.On top of all that we are dirt poor. I'm even to poor to live in the projects!!!! I make $5,000 below the minimum amount to live there! I'm so below poverty level it's not even funny. My doctor suggested I start a collection for a new car and home on a crowd funding website. So I did- www.indiegogo.com/familyofdisabilites I'm doing this because I was very close to sitting in the subway with a cup and a sign.
I don't expect any donations but even the smallest amount helps.
from you main very tired gay bipolar bitch!
Love you Em. Thank God I have you. Can't wait to be your wife!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Ever have that feeling something's missing...inside you?
I feel something's missing from me, maybe emotionally or mentally. But I'm missing a piece. I feel wrong somehow. Like I was made with a part missing.
I've always felt different, not unique. Just different. An outsider to the world. Always watching but not participating.
That's what I am. An outsider. A freak. Something wrong.
I can't explain it very well but I feel like my life isn't real, that I'm just watching things happen. I do laundry about 100 loads a day, clean daily, always pacing, never sitting. I'm so busy with mandane chores I forget to sit and eat. Literally forget. I'm not even hungry usually. What's wrong with me I ask God frequently. I thank him daily for my family, my kids and friends. That however badly we struggle, food is on the table and a roof is over our heads. But ask him why am I like this? Why do I get so easily overwhelmed? Why do I get panic attacks over the smallest things?Is my life real? Was I made with something missing? Why can't I appreciate everything? Why do I feel so sad? Or like an emotion is missing? Am I numb? What should I do? What path should I take next to better my family's situation? When will we not struggle anymore?
I'm tired of being below poverty level but am incapable of getting a job. I feel incapable of a lot of things. Numb and wrong. The only thing right in my life is my family, my children, my soon to be wife. I feel like sge got stuck with a broken person. I try daily to make her happy but feel I suck at it. Eventhough she says she's happy I feel guilty I'm bipolar and sick. I want to be whole mentally functioning at the highest capacity. But feel that's a pipe dream. No matter how many meds I take, even if it's the right combination I'll never be fixed. She'll alwaysbe with me, a broken toy. She's my angel, that she loves me anyway. And loves my kids as if she birthed them. She's a saint in my eyes. Who else could do that? Love my family of 9 in a three bedroom with no money, no perks andbe happy and not go insane or treat me badly? No other person on earth is she. That's why I'm gonna marry her. She is my soulmate. I just wish I had a more complete soul for her to mate with. I'm broken but trying my best to be functioning.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for now. If there are many typos I apologize I'm writing this on my phone because I have no time to sit down on the computer. I'm pacing as I type. And I must say a big thank you to my mom. Without her I'd be homeless and without food because my money and food stamps only go so far. Thank you Mom. I love you very much.
Love your main bipolar gay bitch!
Monday, November 26, 2012
You all know I rarely get out of the house with three kids, let alone have an outing where my kids have to dress up. But Thanks to Autism Speaks, my kids got a chance to meet Santa at Macy's Santa Land. Vivi and Lee would never have gotten a chance to meet Santa if it had not been for this once in a lifetime opportunity Autism Speaks gave us.
We got to meet with Santa before Macy's opened, so no lines and quality time with Santa. No crying or screaming because the line is too long and they are getting anxious. My daughter is known for her panic attacks, as is my son. The day before my wife and I went through all the kids clothes looking for something nice enough to take photos in. We couldn't afford to buy anything new obviously, with a family of nine supported by SSI alone- and barely surviving. Luckily we found a shirt and sweater vest for Lee that was given to us a few months before. We get hand-me-downs and cherish them. Without them my kids would have no clothes! For Vivi we found a dressy summer shirt she never got a chance to wear,leggings and a black skirt- all hand-me-downs. We were not able to bring Lula. My best friend lent me her car (thank goodness) for the day so we could make it to this event. I can't take my kids on public transportation, they freak out- too noisy,too many strangers and too long a ride. They'd be screaming before they even got to Macy's. Our car was flooded by Hurricane Sandy. We've been a full month without a car. Very difficult when the nearest train station is 45 minutes away by bus. All my kids doctors' appointments have been put on hold this month. You know they are seeing lots of doctors, because they all are always sick and have an immune deficiency. They never get opportunities like this - EVER. Lee actually is sick right now and was sick the day he met Santa. He threw up before we left the house. He has a really bad cough with fever, but wanted to meet Santa so badly he wouldn't stay home. All my kids have been watching Christmas movies since September, so they were very excited to meet Santa, the man himself, in PERSON! The look on their faces when they saw him was priceless! Vivi became an angel and put her hands together in the prayer position the whole time, trying to be an angel for Santa I guess. Vivi doesn't speak much. Only a few words here and there, but I could tell she was excited. Her eyes lit up with joy. Lee speaks but was shy in front of Santa and took a little bit of time before he spoke to him. Vivi even SMILED for the photos!!!! She rarely ever smiles in photos or looks at the camera. It was a Christmas miracle. Thanks Santa! Thanks Macy's! Thanks Autism Speaks for this moment our kids and I will never ever forget. Lee is still holding his picture with Santa. For them it was pure magic. We never go into the city since we moved two years ago to Brooklyn. It's too much stimulation and too much room for multiple meltdowns. On this trip- not one meltdown. They were my little angels. Santa's Angels. Thank you Jena at Autism Speaks, for making this event even possible. Vivi and Lee will never ever forget that magical day they went to Santa Land and met with Santa, himself. Thank you thank you thank you.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
youtube video Bitches!!
this is my daughter!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Cycling daily. And I don't mean bicycling!
So much is going on. My kids and I have four or five doctor appointments a week!!! Sometimes twice in one day!
It's overwhelming. I'm finally going on Thursday to see the doctor that performs the hysterectomy. Hooray!!!
In about three weeks it will all be out. Thank G-D! I'm now on progesterone to stop the bleeding but its making me nauseous everyday and my hair fall out in clumps. Fun times. Fun times!
But I need the bleeding to stop.
I have changed my haircolor three times in about one week with manic panic (that doesn't make your hair fall out ). I'm so Bipolar right now one minite I'm talking at a mile a minute next I'm having a crippling panic attack or next minute I'm sobbing. My doc upped all my medications woohoo and added a few new ones. I love my doc. She rocks. Within five minutes of talking to her, she saw me cycling and believed me. She knows me so well. She was the only doc that would take me when I finally left all the hospitals.
All the other doctors thought I was a lost cause. Isn't that nice? And not worth helping.
I feel so out of control right now. I'm trying so hard to center myself. Thank goodness I have Em. She's my rock. When everything around me is spinning I have her to hold onto. I love her so much.
I am losing weight really quickly from my stomach issues, yet to be diagnosed- biopsy from my colonoscopy and endoscopy on august 8th, still haven't come back yet. And the doctors are very scared! So far I've lost (since I had my daughter Lula) over 60lbs. And that was only four months ago.
I feel sick everyday. So once the hysterectomy thing is done, I move on to my stomach next I guess, huh? Hopefully my breasts will be removed not to long from now. Crossing my fingers and my toes!
the biggest gay bipolar bitch around!
*photo of my new wildfire red hair
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I'm in the stomach doctor's office and I'm staring at about 50 diarrhea pamphlets! Awesomeness! Hahahhaa!
Only I could see the crazy humor in this office. Surrounded,bombarded by diarrhea pamphlets!
All I can think about is what the casting must've been like.
Just smile,hold a pot of flowers and look like you just took a nice dump in your pants! Yes! you got the part!
That bitch has the best job ever!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Time for my monthly probing. This ER visit lasted over 11 hours! I went because my pelvic pain is getting worse everyday and no one seems to be able to help me. This visit included lots of morphine, a catscan and an ultrasound. But thankfully my girlfriend was there to keep me comfy and as calm as possible. Afterwards I can't help but feel violated on so many accounts.
Fun times...to be continued.
I have two doctor appointments today. Ugh!
I'll let you know what happens!
The biggest bipolar bitch around;)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
I'm suffering from pelvic pain and body aches everyday. I'm hoping that this new obgyn gives me a full hysterectomy. My insides are shot! Covered in fibroids and cysts! Why do I have to keep my insides when they are killing me? I've been through the same thing with my breasts! Doctors forced me to keep them because they thought I'd want to breast feed! Well guess what?! I was never able to breast feed! My body wasn't built for it! In the end not being able to breastfeed after being forced to keep my breasts did more mental damage to me than if the doctors had removed them back in 2006! I know my body and should have the right to make my own choices since doctors keep making the wrong ones!!!!
Vivi had her sweat test for cystic fibrosis on Monday. It came back negative thank g-d!!!
And today I go see my endocrinologist. Doctors appointments are never done. I'm beyond worn out at this point. Physically and mentally exhausted.
If it wasn't for my girlfriend,Em, I'd be in the psych ward with a complete nervous breakdown. She makes me so happy and calm in the midst of chaos. I love her!
Anyways that's my bitching for the day.
the biggest bipolar bitch around.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
I couldn't just write about it- I needed to tell the story- VIDEO BLOG BITCHES!
*sorry I look like crap- it's 100 degrees outside- and really...how good do you look after waiting over four hours for a doctor appointment?!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Yep. Not Bi- I'm gay.
Yes it's taken me many many years to finally come to terms with myself, but better late than never?
A lot has been going on, my daughter had surgery this week to remove a lump on her neck and is going currently to an oncologist ( there's a possibility both Lee and Vivi have leukemia). She had 105 fever that same night after the surgery, but now thankfully the fever is gone.
I had exploratory surgery, including a biopsy of my uterus, this past Monday.
I had my son's IFSP meeting and the woman was a capital B- BITCH! Even though my son's behavior is at a five month old's level she said he didn't qualify for services at home after school.
I was so loud and- dare I say- even smart sounding at this meeting- but this bitch wouldn't budge.
He ended up getting a para ( a person with him at all times at school), which NEVER happens and I'll be able to get home services once school starts, when his school recommends it to the board of Ed.
He is extremely violent towards others, especially his sister- he rips her hair out constantly!!! she's terrified of him! And nothing I do works- he doesn't understand that what he's doing is wrong!
Plus Lula ( my youngest girl) is Colicky now. I was struggling to make things work, I was miserable.
We were fighting everyday. LOUDLY.
It was bad.
My ex- girlfriend, Em, came back into my life over a year and a half ago. I've known her for over 11 years, but we stopped talking a long time ago. I loved her too much, to let her waste her life with me, a very sick person ( physically and mentally).
When she came back into my life, I'd already had two children. And now I have three kids!
She was with me in the operating room when I had my c-section. She was the first face Lula saw. It meant a lot to me.
Let me get this straight.
Even if she wasn't in my life, Dave and my marriage would've ended. We were not meant to be married.
He's still gonna live with us. We are great friends still , I'm very happy about that, it makes my children's life much easier.
so how do I know, I'm gay and always have been????
Relationships I had with men, were always hard work for me, a struggle. I struggled to feel what they did for me. With women, it was always easier for me.
I always wanted children, and I'm thankful I have three! I'm very lucky to have my kids!!!
I don't regret my marriage. He gave me three beautiful children.
I think I've always known I was gay and not bisexual.
My first crush was when I was three years old and I saw Super girl the live action movie.
Second was Princess Leia from Star wars.
You all already know I'm such a nerd!
I was very sexual at a very young age, my childhood upbringing from my father's end had a lot to do with that. I knew about porn and sex by the time I was three years old.
But that's a WHOLE OTHER STORY.
My dad and I are actually getting along right now, better than we ever have in the past.
His best friend died a month ago, and on his death bed told my father, his biggest wish was that my father had been nicer to me and that we were close. His friend was gay, and never had any kids- I was like his honorary daughter, he loved me very much- He was a great guy. J.W. was what we called him. When my dad heard this- it was like a lightbulb finally went on! He'd seen where he'd gone wrong and finally wanted to mend our relationship. Better late than never, right?
I'm glad he finally became the father I always wanted him to be.
There was always something peculiar about me, different about me. I always felt different like an outsider. But I wanted to be like everyone else, excepted by everyone else.
I still have that need to be liked at times, but I now LOVE sometimes PISSING people the fuck off!
Bipolar, I know!
My kids are happy. They love Em. They say "I love you" to her all the time. We always go out and do activities with the kids, go outside and have fun.
Lee calls Em "mommy!"
Yes, my kids have two mommies now, and yet still have their daddy. They are surrounded by lots and lots of love. And isn't that what's important?
Em and I plan to marry eventually, after I get divorced from Dave. I'm very happy with our family, our extended family. And despite all the health problems my kids and I face, all the doctor appointments, I'm still happy because I'm with Em. She's by my side the entire time, keeping me calm and content.
Hate me or love me. That's not my problem anymore.
Whether you hate gays, or hate me for being gay- it's your problem not mine.
That's all for now,Bitches!
And thanks to all of you that support me- I love you all!
The Biggest Gay Bipolar Bitch around!
*photo of Em, Lula and me.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
My baby girl was born April 6th!!! 7 lbs. 11 oz.
She was delivered by a very painful emergency C-section.
Contractions were two minutes apart and the doctor wanted to send me HOME!!! Because it was a Friday and I was scheduled for a repeat c-section on that coming Monday. What a DOUCHE!
Obviously Tallulah didn't plan on waiting.
And my body just has no fucking clue how to give birth naturally, so an emergency c-section was needed.
Let's just say the doctors didn't give enough time for the epidural to kick in (I could feel the tearing)!!!
Yeah, I'm such a bad ass!
The doctors were too busy chatting to let me know Lula ( my nickname for her) was born!!!
The entire day was one enormous shock! I instantly started sobbing when I heard her cry.
She's a wonderful, lovely, beautiful baby. Thank you GOD that I made it this far!!!
I right away tried breastfeeding- it went well for three days- and that's it. It was all downhill from there!
Thanks thyroid disease!!! You little SHIT thyroid disease!!!
Her blood sugar dropped very low after just one night.
She wasn't getting enough milk.
The moment I got home- the postpartum depression started kicking in.
Everyone went nuts, including me.
I was sobbing all the time and very angry at everyone. Well, only the adults. My kids are perfection;)
I was pumping and feeding Lula every two hours, I was exhausted and going full blown NUTS!
After a horrible trip to a new OBGYN-
in which I found that I have multiple fibroids, poly cystic ovary syndrome, there's also an unknown mass ( I'm gonna need a biospy an MRI, and weekly sonograms) and I was hemorrhaging-
and was producing almost NO MILK after all the torture of 5 weeks!!!
YEAH THAT BAD!
I decided to stop breastfeeding. It broke my heart, but I had to go back on my bipolar meds before I was committed.
I was suicidal at four weeks- and I had to choose- either be alive for my kids and not breastfeed, or be dead.
I'm still struggling, and full of anger- but I'm trying to get better, and taking my meds- happily- daily again.
THANK YOU DRUGS!!! I LOVE YOU DRUGS ( by drugs I mean my medication obviously;)!!!
So I'm very sorry I've been M.I.A.- these past 6 weeks have been a blur!!!! A sleepless blur!!!
A very Bipolar sleepless blur!!!
But now I'm back on my meds, and I think the world thanks me!!!
I plan on coming back with a vengeance! So watch out Bitches:)!!!!
P.s. I really want to create a bipolar community, and hopefully a forum- just a few goals I hope to one day accomplish- that and of course to eventually finish and publish my book.
It'd be nice if I could complete at least one of my goals ( other than having kids;)
Check out the bipolar bible facebook page for updates in the meantime!
The Biggest Bipolar Bitch around!
*photo of my little girl
Monday, April 2, 2012
It's been so long since I've gotten a chance to sit at my computer and type.
I'm now 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant- but who's counting right?!
I AM! That's who!
This has been the most difficult pregnancy I've ever had!
Over 20lbs of swelling in one month alone, protein in my urine, possible Preeclampsia ( my blood pressure isn't "high enough" to get the diagnosis)- I have every imaginable symptom. Constant migraines, over twelve pounds of swelling a month, yada yada yada. You get the point.
Have you ever been so swollen that your skin BURNS?!!!
Yeah- that's me right now!
I'm a beached whale at this point and it SUCKS!
I cannot wait to see my beautiful baby girl. so that all the hell I've been through during this pregnancy will finally be put in the past and all will seem worthwhile!
I'm finally ready for my baby!
Thanks to amazing friends and family.
Especially my daughter's speech therapist ( I'm gonna call her "Jo" in this blog) who has become way more than a friend, she's become my family.
Not only does she look almost exactly what my grandmother ( the good one!!! She's been suffering from dementia for several years now) looked like about twenty years ago even down to the same hair color and haircut, but she's just as kind and loving as my grandmother was before the dementia.
She's my guardian angel.
She came into our lives and changed it forever.
Sometimes I get teary eyed after chatting with her, because I feel like I've just talked to my grandmother. I realize how much I miss her and how these would be the conversations I'd be having with her, if she could remember who I am, and have a conversation with me.
Jo has been so loving and involved in this pregnancy. She really helped me stock up for my soon to be born baby girl. Bottles, steamers, burp cloths, clothes, play yard, you name it!!!
She went above and beyond anything I could ever even imagine!
That's why my daughter's middle name will be named after her.
Jo and I are kindred souls- just like my grandma and me.
My grandmother always understood me, and was always there for me.
I remember her taking me out for Chinese food once a week, every week.
Going to temple with her on the weekends.
She always brought the kitchen sink with her, so to speak-
she's allergic to everything, so she'd always have rice cakes and several cans of tuna in her tote bag- everywhere she went. She shopped for food like she was still living in the deep depression.
She never ran out of anything in her house. 30 cans of tuna, 5 jars of applesauce ( the must have Jew food staples in a home! hahaha), 5 packages of rice cakes. Her refrigerator was always packed with fruits and vegetables. She always served me my favorite foods when I was at her home, like sweet potatoes and would bake me enough of my favorite English tea cookies to have while at her house with plenty extra to take home!
She was an AMAZING cook and baker! She was a milliner and made my mom's veil, that I wore with my wedding dress.
But she wasn't just a kind, loving person that every single person that she met would fall instantly in love with her ( completely true by the way!), she had SASS and a half! She was super witty and had lots of spunk!
I wish my kids could experience a life with her like she was before dementia.
She wasn't rich, heck she was poor all her life- but always found a way to get me what I needed, being food, clothes, even get us out of being evicted by magically coming up with our back rent.
She doesn't deserve to have dementia. This angers me- a lot.
I wish she was happy and not stuck in another world.
Okay- enough of that for now.
I don't like getting emotional and teary eyed.
Just not my thang, you know?
So aside from all the pregnancy stress- I'm going through TWO transitioning processes with both my kids.
It's very different for autistic kids, going to another school grade level.
There's meetings and evaluations and lots and lots of fighting- for your kid to get the therapy and school they need and deserve.
It's a complete nightmare!!!
And to be going through the process with both of them is overwhelming to say the least!
My son Lee, going from early intervention to CPSE ( board of Ed).
And my daughter going from CPSE ( pre-school) to CSE ( elementary school level).
Plus I've had to do this all while physically suffering during this high risk pregnancy- as well as mentally and emotionally suffering.
No bipolar medication, remember????
It's been an enormous uphill battle!
Everyday has been a rollercoaster of emotions- and I've been trying my very best not to be a complete asshole.
Not to say, that everyone around me has been trying as hard as me.
I've been fighting with everyone almost daily.
I haven't slept for more than 30 minutes at a time in easily over 4 months!!!
Between my kids waking up at all hours every night, my daughter's night terrors and Dave's sleep walking and sleep apnea- every night is an EVENT!
I told you guys before, I basically run a mental institution.
The mental institution being my home with all my family living with me.
I've had appointments every single day!!! Sometimes THREE to FOUR in one day alone.
Filled with doctor appointments, evaluations, meetings- you name it.
What is relaxing even like???
I cannot remember anymore!!
Now- it's just a waiting game- till I lose my mind completely.
Actually a waiting game till I deliver.
To c- section, or not to c-section- that is the question at hand for my doctors.
Right now I'm scheduled for a c-section ( my third one- I'm not happy!) for April 9th.
But I'm hoping for a natural delivery- and a very quick and safe one at that- before the 9th!
I'll end this blog entry right here- because I'm rambling at this point.
Hopefully next time I right- I'll be a proud and happy mom of three kids! Woohoo!
*photo of my son after having passed out from a major tantrum ( lasting two hours) on my living room carpet! Dave then drew a moustache on him- just for payback! We gotta have fun sometimes!!!!
Kisses Bitches! Love-
your beached whale prego bitch!
Monday, March 5, 2012
First, this pregnancy has been the most sad, stressful, depressing pregnancy I've ever had ( aside from my four miscarriages).
It's just been constant sadness and fighting.
I haven't even been able to enjoy my pregnancy, or the miracle of carrying a baby at all.
I'm very resentful of my family ( I'm not talking about my children).
I feel my joy was stolen from me, by them.
I always wanted this baby, none of my pregnancies were ever ever ever a mistake.
I love my children.
This week has been an eye opener to say the least.
I know I've talked about my father before, and how horrible he treats me.
Well this week, was no different, except he found a way to treat me even worse.
Nothing I could do was to his liking. I made dinner, and because he's on weight watchers ( his own made up bizarre version) He now hates everything I make. Saying it's too fatty, or that it's not on his diet.
Funny, because I cook pretty healthy and have only been studying nutrition books since I was twelve. When other kids were reading school books, I was reading up on nutrition.
I obviously had a hard time following what I learned- and it made me completely insane and starve myself for over ten years of my life- becoming fatally anorexic and bulimic.
I always find nutrition interesting- way more so than any fiction book out there.
But apparently my dad, who obviously thinks I'm a loser and complete disappointment, also thinks I have no clue about nutrition and whats healthy.
I made everyone dinner the other night, like I almost always do, he arrived home late with a plate waiting for him, and said " This is not on my diet! I cannot eat this!" When my mom yelled at him ( which never ever works) to say thank you to me, he screamed " I fucking said thank you!!! God, Leave me alone!"
Did I ever mention, I have NO CLUE HOW IN THE FUCKING HELL I'M RELATED TO HIM!!!
I think all the time- maybe one day I'll find my real father.
Obviously I'm delirious at this point.
My biggest problem. No one cares how he treats me.
Sure my mom and dad get into fights about how he treats me like I'm shit he just found on his shoe.
But the fights never lead to change.
I usually feel my dad trumps all in this house. And why he comes first, I'll never ever know. EVER.
Everyone comes before me.
My sister is always treated better than me, by both my parents.
For example- quick little update- My doctor found that I have WAY too much protein in my urine, and now have to go to a kidney doctor. It's also possible I have kidney or gallstones.
I've swollen about 20 lbs. in just one month. I'm in constant pain, especially on my right side. Making it very painful and difficult to move around- let alone cook and clean- though I do it anyway.
The other night my feet swelled so badly they hurt, were hot to the touch and burning.
Fun times, right???!
I have a kidney doctor appointment next Tuesday, apparently the same day my sister had an appointment with VESID ( to try to get funding for college).
I needed her to reschedule her appointment. My kidney doctor appointment CANNOT wait.
I'm due second week of April. And if there's a big problem with my body they'll need to take my baby out much much sooner than planned.
My dad was supposed to take my sister to her appointment and when he heard she'd have to cancel ( to help watch my kids with my mom, while dave and I went to the kidney doc) he was furious!!!
Because her appointment was waaaaaay more importnant than mine, obviously.
Everything with her is.
I'm a second class citizen in his eyes. I'm the housekeeper, nothing more.
The daughter he never ever wanted.
Yet whatever this man does or says to me, after years and years of abuse. He still comes first.
My mom wasn't even angry with him.
He doesn't even try to hide his hatred for me.
Yet I still cook and clean for this man, and try not to fight with him.
He was mean and a nasty son of a bitch waaaaay before he started losing his marbles.
I understand Kayla is the golden child in my parents eyes, and that I'm the major disappointment.
I got that a long long long time ago. He just SUCKS ass, since I'm the one taking care of everyone here.
Dave and I have been arguing almost every single day, the entire pregnancy.
His sleep apnea is destroying his life.
I feel he puts everything he wants before me.
He sold a video game of his, and told me that he fucking LOVED that game! LOVED IT! but sold it "TO MAKE ME HAPPY!"
He talked more passionately about the game, than he has about me, in years.
Ain't that just grand?
I know he loves me, but it sucks coming last in everyone's life.
Like I already don't feel like a loser all the time? And now so much heavier ( not by choice) and feeling physically gross and ugly, this doesn't help my self confidence, not one bit.
He told me he'd take some photos of me yesterday, being 34 weeks pregnant ( less than 6 weeks away from due date!), since I have almost no photos during this pregnancy- because of all the fighting and unbelieveable sadness I feel all the time.
I even put on make-up.
But ended up crying it all off, so no pics from yesterday.
I'm just SO tired of being treated like shit by everyone- all the time. Non-stop.
Last night, both the kids were up from 2:30- 5:30 a.m. (Lee with an unexplained full-body rash).v
Dave was sleepwalking- when he does it's very dangerous. He never remembers the things he says or does while half asleep.
At one point I heard a huge BANG! I thought, that's it he finally fucking dropped dead, while sleepwalking.
Obviously, I was scared and ran ( not easy being this swollen, fat and pregnant mind you) to check on him. I told him what I'd thought when I heard that loud noise, his response? "Oh time to find a new daddy."
"Ummm- HELL NO!"
I really never ever want to take care of another grown person, as if they were my teenager, ever again. Especially not another man.
His reply, "Oh then new mommy?!"
"Whatever. You got to be fucking delirious at this point!"
Then he wonders why I'm upset in the morning! Because he doesn't remember a single thing from the night before.
I ended up taking care of both the kids during the night, while being in a lot of pain in my belly, from my babygirl. She FEELS when I'm upset, or awake. and when she moves around, it hurts SO BADLY!
The other day, my landlord called, again harassing us. This time because his water bill is too high. First of all he hasn't given us a new lease in four months, and second- he told us he wants us to pay a different amount every month!!! Going up anywhere from $100 and up- per month on our rent!!!
This was the last fucking straw!!!
Now I gotta look for a new place again. I've always hated it here, because of my landlord and the neighborhood.
And I HATE MOVING. Last time I had to move, I was left to pack everything from my old apartment with Dave, in SIX hours!!! An apartment my dad had lived in for over 60 YEARS! In six hours!!! And almost got arrested in the process.
My mom and dad didn't pack a single fucking item. Leaving everything for me.
And when I called my mom, upset that I was almost arrested for "trespassing in my own apartment", mind you. She yelled at me- like it was my fault!!!
NO ONE hates moving more than I do!!!! No one!!!
Last night, the thought that kept running through my mind "God, where are you?! Are you listening??"
Please Pray for me, for my luck to change for the better.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Somehow I was given the keys to this institution (my home), being a mental patient myself, I obviously never wanted or asked for this responsibility, and now have to feed all the patients inside and make sure the hospital keeps clean and running properly.
How in the fucking hell did I get this job???!!!
Me, The only diagnosed Bipolar, in this house, also labeled clinically insane by multiple doctors in the past, now runs the fucking circus act called my home.
With my kids, I obviously accept this responsibility. I made these kids ( with help of course) knowing and accepting the fact, I need to take care of them for the rest of their lives.
But my parents? My sister? My husband?
How did I become the caregiver????
I basically got shit on yesterday, by my parents. My dad cursing me out because I asked him if he would like to go out ( two blocks away) and pick up some pizza slices for Vivi.
He's offered this repeatedly, but the one time I dare ask him, if he would LIKE to go, I get cursed out. As if I asked him for a fucking kidney or something!
Then my mom later last night, starts screaming at me, because I had no clue what she was talking about. She told me that I had said yesterday that someone was coming to my upcoming baby shower, someone who obviously can't and I would never ever say she would be. And because I couldn't remember having this conversation ( because it DIDN'T happen!) I got screamed at!
She said things like, "Oh you don't make mistakes, huh? Cuz you think you are perfect, right??!!!"
What the Friggity Fuck?!
Obviously, everyone knows, I'm nowhere even close to perfect. I'm fucking Bipolar! I've made enough mistakes to last at least one hundred peoples life times!!!!
It just came outta the blue- like a fucking bullet to the face!
Earlier yesterday, I was chatting with my husband, and he finally realized- I never ever asked for this job.
I LOVED my psychotic life before all this.
My fast paced, very manic, never home, always partying, very selfish lifestyle.
I try not to think this way, but when he brought it up yesterday, and realized I'd given up everything I ever enjoyed or remotely liked doing, for my entire family, I just felt thankful that he finally saw this, but super depressed, as if I'd forgotten it all.
Everyday is groundhogs day. Repetitive, and miserable.
My kids are my life, and my daughter did save me from basically killing myself ( through severe anorexia and reckless, uncontrolled mania). I'm very very thankful for my children, and that's why I'm pregnant with my third child as I type.
Just about 8 months prego to be exact.
The problem is being forced to be in control of everything.
It's SO easy to tell me to let go, don't be stressed, my family isn't my problem.
But as you sit there saying this, are you taking care of a sick mother? Or Father? Friend or family member?
Well, multiply that number.
You can't just walk away from this person, can you, in good conscience?
Just let this person die?
Because that's what "walking away" from a dementia patient is- it's giving up and letting them die.
Somedays I'm just so fucking tired of this shit! And being unappreciated. Being called "Bitch", because they think I'm bossy. As if I want this job!!!!
They never think, maybe I'm fucking miserable. Maybe I HATE nagging!!!
I never wanted to be this person! The ring leader!
Maybe I don't like being shit on constantly! Huh! Just fucking maybe!!!
On another shitty fucking note,
I was in the hospital Wednesday, for a constant headache, decreased fetal movement and 12 lbs of swelling in my legs in two weeks!!!
Some doctors think I have a blood clot in my head, while my endocrinologist thinks there's a possible blood clot in my heart and the baby might need to be taken out early.
For all of you that don't know, I've had heart "issues" for years now. All starting in 2002, when I went to a cardiologist , to get the "okay" for my upcoming endometriosis surgery, when they thought they found a hole in my heart. Later they decided, it had to be scar tissue that never closed in childhood.
I was supposed to keep seeing that doctor, which I never did, not by choice really. More because I was in a complete manic blur, I couldn't even remember the doctors name at the time. I did get the okay for the surgery, the doctor felt it wouldn't be a problem during surgery.
Dave was with me for the visit, so I do know it actually occurred.
After that I had chest pains on and off for several years, went to the ER several times. Most cardiologists didn't take me seriously, one because I'm bipolar and two because I seemed to be a healthy, young female. And that never happens to young females, right??!!!!
Doctors are so biased!!!
My history, besides the possible hole in my heart, I took an anti-psychotic for over eight years ( later learned to cause blood clots and heart problems), I drank and did drugs for years ( while Manic), as well as being a bulimic (constant strain on the heart muscles, while the body eats it's own muscle and heart tissue)for almost ten years.
Now add all this up...and it is possible, I have a heart problem.
Terrifying, since I've been pregnant so many times ( 7, including this one- 4 being miscarriages).
And I could've died during any of them.
Leading to the next theory.
My endocrinologist ( probably the smartest doctor I've ever had, besides my shrink), feels I might have a clotting disorder. Two miscarriages, can be somewhat common, having four- is NOT.
Leading him and my neurologist to believe, I have a blood clotting disorder. But I cannot be tested for this while pregnant.
After pregnancy, he wants me to get all kinds of different tests done.
This would EXPLAIN SO MUCH!
So on top of all my home life stresses, my kids both transitioning into new schools, I'm still looking for new schools and fighting the board of ed-
I now have to worry, I could have a blood clot in my heart and my baby only 31 weeks will have to be evicted from her cushiony apartment, earlier than planned- leaving me all kinds of other things to worry about.
and I swear to God if you tell me NOT TO WORRY. I just might crack your ass!
By the way- funny and interesting little tidbit-
Everytime I tell a doctor I'm not currently on bipolar meds during this pregnancy ( for the well being of my unborn child in my belly), they tilt their head to the left ( EVERY SINGLE TIME) and look at me, as if I'm gonna go on a murdering spreee or something, while they then decided to ask me "And how's that going for you right now?"
What I really want to say is. "You fucking DICK!"
I'm not something you read in a medical journal, I'm a fucking PERSON. Can you treat me as such?!
And two, "How the fuck do you think it's going?!"Sounding quite bipolar while saying this.
Instead I reply; "Every single day is hard. This pregnancy has been sadder, than I can remember. I'm stressed and taking one day at a time. Of course, I want to reach for my bipolar medications- but I have a baby I'm carrying and responsible for. And it's her I'm thinking about not me. And if I can do anything to keep her safe and well, I will. Including struggling through a pregnancy without any bipolar medications. And I'm proud that I can do this for my baby girl. Does THAT answer your question?"
They are always surprised. Because apparently they never thought a bipolar could verbalise their feelings.
All doctors must think Bipolars are apes, I swear!!!
That's all for now,
So MUCH FUN, right?
Your main crazy ass prego bitch!
Friday, January 27, 2012
It's so much easier to keep track of contractions this way.
Like last night, I had contractions between 2-3 minutes apart.
The app said I was in Second stage labor!
Here's an excerpt from last night's baby performance:
The details of my contractions.
Contractions to average: all
Average Duration: 2m 1s
Labor Stage: Second Stage Labor
Start Time: 22:07:41
End Time: 22:08:07
Interval: 3m 7s
Start Time: 22:04:34
End Time: 22:06:23
Interval: 2m 44s
Start Time: 22:01:50
End Time: 22:04:12
Interval: 1m 57s
Start Time: 21:59:53
End Time: 22:00:49
Interval: 2m 35s
Start Time: 21:57:18
End Time: 21:59:24
Interval: 3m 23s
But still I wasn't alarmed, I had a feeling it would pass.
And it did! PHEW! An hour and a half later.
You all know how terrified I am of hospitals, so unless I know- THIS IS THE FREAKING DAY I give birth! Then, I ain't going! OR if I feel something is very wrong, then I'll go to the hospital.
I went to the OBGYN the other day, waited in the clinic for almost five hours!!!
Not really. I was told I have placenta previa. They apparently found this out three weeks ago from my sonogram, but the technician told me everything was great, nothing was wrong! What an idiot!
Now I have to be extra extra careful, but the doctor did not put me on bed rest.
He just said I should be cautious, and if I start spotting at all, to rush to the hospital.
Oh yea, I've also been sick for over a week, despite taking antibiotics. I'm on another antibiotic treatment now, and if I don't get better quick I have to go to the hospital, because it could be pneumonia!
Oh fucking JOY!
In the same visit, the head doctor of the clinic, suggested I have my tubes tied!
Now just a few minutes before that I met a 26 year old, with three kids ( her kids, same gender count as mine, are crazy close in age to mine and she just gave birth to a girl two months ago.)
They BEGGED her to tie her tubes!!! And she's only 26!!!
Why you ask? Because we are at a clinic, where everyone is poor.
Now you might be an idiot and agree with this,
but let me tell you my point of view.
One, she is very very young!
Two, who's to say she remains poor!!! What if she comes into money, or her husband gets a better job?
Who are you to say that her life won't change for the better????
Are you a muthafuckin' psychic?!
Yeah....didn't fucking think so.
Two, from what I saw, she's an awesome mom! And her kids are so sweet, well behaved and well taken care of.
I noticed financially stable people aren't asked to have their tubes tied!!! Unless there's a serious health problem.
But us poor people, doctors think they can somehow control the growth of population by tying all our tubes.
Also, tying tubes is serious dangerous!
Doctors don't mention that having this done- changes your body and hormones, putting you pretty much into menopause.
They also don't mention that you can still GET PREGNANT in your TUBES! If this happened you will need a complete hysterectomy!!!
This is serious shit!
Despite the fact it's major surgery!!!
I wish the doctor would come to me, from a medical standpoint, that it would be very dangerous for me to have another child, endangering my life, therefore I should have my tubes tied. Instead of-"You're poor! Tie your fucking tubes, bitch!"
I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point!
I'm extremely stressed. The doctor told me that I have to control this, especially because of my placenta previa, but things are nuts here.
I have two kids transitioning into other schools this September, which I'm still working on. Going on tours and whatnot.
Plus they have multiple health problems and I'm trying to get them the best doctors I can, even with medicaid.
This is NOT easy.
Especially when I'm supposed to be taking it easy and enjoy being pregnant.
I wish I knew, it this child was meant to be my last child or not.
If down the road, I'm not meant to have another.
I have high hopes that our lives will be getting better, financially, emotionally and mentally. So who's to say I won't want another kid a few years from now?
I'm only 30. I still have a few good years to have kids, right?
Where's my fairy godmother when I need her???????
Anyways- just thought I'd give y'all an update.
Love your main, broke as shit, big ass prego bitch!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I would say, yesterday I hit an all time low, but that would be a lie. I KNOW what an all time low is.
So I guess yesterday was just a major low.
We have no money- and we're not even at the end of the month yet.
Despite the smart shopper I've become we still had only a little bit of money left yesterday for some much needed food for the kids and us.
My priority is of course, my kids being fed, everyone else ( all the adults)- not so much.
Though they can be very loud when they complain.
I'm at the cashier yesterday, already ready to cry from all the stress of having no money, but still having people to feed, and the card I assumed had money on it- well it did till yesterday apparently,
all of a sudden had none.
I had to divide the tiny amount of groceries I was buying- and was very necessary, onto two cards and one part cash. All my cash actually. I got nothing left.
Thank GOD I didn't break down in front of the cashier!!!
I waited till I got home. Luckily, our new family member ( Vivi's health aid, Marie), was there and comforted me by saying, "God gave you these children, he won't let them starve".
I get teary eyed just writing this.
She is amazing. We all love her very much.
She's always so positive and loving!
Vivi adores her!!! We all do.
I'm going to be in charge of the expenses next month. All of them ( well that's what was promised to me). I'm going to do my best, I already know our bills are WAY more than what we all come in with. It will be more than difficult, but I feel it will be better this way. I hope and pray!
Dave and I got to go to food stamps again, and beg them to increase our funds. Since they cut us by more than half over a month ago. It's so difficult to feed a family of 7, soon to be eight. If they hadn't cut our funds, I would've maybe been able to feed my family for another week ( it never ever lasts a whole month!)
I'm at my breaking point, truly.
How do I make sure we have money for rent, bills and food??
If things don't get better quick, I'll be back at the food pantries.
I gotta beg WIC for food too. That's always...interesting.
In my old neighborhood, they knew me, and were very kind to me, I was lucky. Here, with the shitty service we've been receiving everywhere we go, I can only imagine how it will go.
Wish me luck. And please Pray for us.
Dear God, if you're reading my blog, can you please grant us the luck to win the lotto??? Please please please!!!!
P.S.- I wonder where all my friends are? ( not gonna ask for money obviously!!!but definitely for a shoulder or two to lean on) I look around, and I see near none.
One of my best friends, asked to throw a baby shower for me ( MUCH NEEDED!!! I need so many baby things that I have no way to buy right now). And I can't think of friends that would show up.
Maybe two, if lucky.
When I lived in Manhattan, every friend would show when I threw a party, more than I planned. But since I moved, it seems everyone ALWAYS cancels last minute. Including my 30th birthday party ( SUPER depressing).
Leaving me with an abundance of leftovers I cannot save, and a broken heart.
Where is everyone?!
Where are these so called friends?
Why do I even care right now? I have no idea.
I'm Aquarius, I'm supposed to be aloof, dammit!
Your main super depressed Bitch!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Ah, the fucking holidays. How much I want to be able to enjoy them, but rarely ever get to, due to stress, anxiety and depression.
November-December-January- all those months have been ,probably since I was a child, horrible for me.
ESPECIALLY New Years eve and day.
The fucking WORST! Well, at least ever since I spent New Years in a mental institution back in 2003.
I went to bed early while all my fellow crazies celebrated bringing in the New Year.
Woohoo! Go crazies!!!
You should've seen the Christmas tree. It' looked like it was decorated by crazy people!!!
I made a very good friend there, he was my savior in that institution. No joke!
He made me laugh, even through really dark and difficult times.
I was majorly suicidal, cutting and severely bulemic and anorexic.
Whatever they would force down my throat I'd vomit.
This only got worse once he was released from the institution. a whole two weeks before me.
I wasn't so much released, more like transferred two weeks later to an eating disorder facility because the mental hospital couldn't "fix" me.
I couldn't even walk, my body was eating away my muscles, plus the massive doses of numerous medications the crazy doctor was putting me on. I couldn't think straight, or even walk straight.
They just dope you up to the point that you can't make a fuss, or cause any "trouble".
The windows in my room where gated (of course) and decorated an assortment of cum stains.
So yeah, New Years SUCKS ASS for me.
Even when I try my very best to put on a smile and try to enjoy it, it's like that little evil fucking demon is still inside my head, telling me how this year I'll be even crazier and end up institutionalized, or dead.
I was never able to see my future. And by that I mean, see past today. There was no tomorrow, or even next month or year. That was CRAZY TALK to me.
I always thought I would never be alive to see tomorrow.
I try my best to see a future for myself, especially because I have kids now.
But still I find it hard to see past today.
New Years never meant a new beginning to me or even a joyous occasion worth celebrating.
My family and those around me, even having visited me in the (multiple) hospitals, watching me go through rough times, still don't understand how difficult some days are to get through. Especially the dreaded holidays.
I kinda had a mini- meltdown last night. To those of you who know me, know I HATE crying or feeling vulernable at all.
I'd rather feel anger. I excel at feeling that emotion! I practice it like a religion!
So when you do see me cry, I'm hating every minute of you witnessing that and feeling like a total failure for letting myself be vulnerable.
I'd rather be a bitch. Like I said- I'm GOOOOOOOOD at being a bitch.
I wish it was a paid job at this point. I'd be a billionaire by now!
I'd never quit that job!!!
Last night I cried. All my depressed thoughts just started cycling.
Like how underappreciated I am in my home.
How everyone here just expects me to clean up after them, do laundry, do dishes and all the cooking.
To take care of their emotional and mental needs.
I feel like a doormat.
I take care of my family, because they can't.
I'm being truthful here. I'm sorry if it hurts my family's feelings. But it's the truth.
When you have to force a parent to change their clothes and take a shower, it's fucking bad!
I fight with my father, to let me clean his dirty clothes.
He's impossible to live with. Always complaining, always bitter. Always mean.
I know he doesn't love me, I get it.
But why fight with me all the time? Shouldn't he be happy I clean and cook for him????
Make sure there's food in the the refrigerator?
He can't physically take care of himself anymore, but he doesn't believe it.
I believe he has brain damage. Nope, I'm not kidding. He's had a lot of head injuries and concussions.
I feel resentment towards my family.
I know, it sounds horrible, and I am probably a horrible person for feeling this way.
But this is the way I feel.
I tired of not feeling like this is my home, and at any point I'll be kicked out into the street.
I'm tired of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
Or I'm just fucking tired.
I haven't slept for what seems like months now. Only in half hour bursts, due to horrible pelvis pain from being pregnant.
Plus I'm still not on bipolar medications. Even though I really really need them right now, I'm scared it will harm my baby girl. I'm torn and in a deep depression.
I just feel like sometimes I just want everything to stop.
No, I don't feel like harming myself right now.
But just for every single stress, bad thought, all bad things- to stop. Like a turn off switch.
To stop thinking. Stop being.
But then I see my beautiful, happy kids and feel I need to be around for them.
I want to see them everyday. See them wake up and laugh.
I'm praying this year will bring a shitload of freaking miracles to my door, or better yet right on my fucking lap.
In the meantime, I'll be waiting for a sign. A miracle or two or three or four or five.
I'll be waiting.
Thanks for listening,
I love you crazy bitches out there!
Your main bitch!
*photo of me, at 6 months pregnant.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I think this has been the longest I've gone without writing a blog.
I'm so sorry.
So many things have been happening, a lot of stress to be exact, and when that happens the last thing I want to do is sit down and write about it. I just want to forget about it all.
As most of you know, I have two kids with autism.
Both are ageing out of their current schools.
It's a big transition process, especially to be going through both at the same exact time.
Plus, I haven't had food stamps for awhile, so we've been struggling to put food on the table.
Last year my family and I survived, thanks to food pantries and soup kitchens.
We took out a few credit cards recently just to pay for food expenses.
Now I got credit card bills to worry about on top of the rent, electricity, heat bills. Oh motherfucking joy!
And thank goodness for credit cards, otherwise we would've had no food whatsoever for over two months.
The holidays are here and I'm trying to be happy.
The holidays since I was about 9 years old, have been misery.
Because ever since I was 9 years old, we'd get an eviction letter from the shit-fuck landlord every fucking Christmas ( for 20 years consecutively).
Plus my mom had severe depression, making the holidays a time for crying, not laughing and joy.
As a bipolar, I have a kinda of seasonal depression. During certain times of the year- I get extremely depressed, and other times extremely manic.
It's been this way for as long as I can remember. I was always hospitalized around December and April. Not to say I'm not depressed throughout the whole year in general.
We've been having problems with our current landlord. He's increased the rent for this coming year ( NOT GOOD!!).
Plus things keep breaking down here, and the people he sends to fix it, are incredibly incompetent.
Besides my kids transitioning, they both have numerous health issues. Which means lots of doctor visits.
Though despite everything they are extremely happy kids.
Recently my daughter had feeding therapy and the therapists told me they feel she's NOT chewing her food and there might be some structural problem within her mouth ( the same has been said about my son).
I was actually relieved to hear that, since I've been debating with speech therapists for years about the matter. At least I'm not imagining things, right?
Case in point, the other night she wanted bagel and cream cheese, ( which she's eaten on and off for years) and a few minutes into eating her meal, she throws up- luckily, I caught it with my hand.
YEP! That's motherhood, Bitches!
And then requests for more bagel and cheese. It's happened because she's just letting the food kinda melt in her mouth, it eventually gets stuck in the back of her throat and then her gag reflex is activated.
And no, it's not an allergic reaction.
I'm not saying she doesn't have allergies, but if it was an allergic reaction, this would happen everytime she'd eat cream cheese.
On a funny note- Vivi is starting to realize there's a baby in my belly. And has named her...."Piggy".
I fuck you not!
Lee and Vivi hugs and kiss my belly. I'm hoping they are just as loving to their baby sister once she's born.
My Obgyn is driving me nuts about the weight I'm gaining.
I've figured out a long time ago, with girls I get fat and ugly and with boys I become radiant and all glowy.
The doctor even said it's possible since baby girl hormones can effect people differently.
I was super depressed after coming out of his office last week.
Feeling all ugly and fat and gross.
You all know the severe eating issues I've had in the past, almost leading to my death several times.
I'm just gonna ride this pregnancy out, and try and not hate my body during it.
What a waste of an emotion.
Fuck that doctor!
I'm eating healthy and I figure as always I just take off the weight after the baby is born.
It's not rocket science folks!
The doctor did say that I could try for a vaginal birth this time around, even after two previous c-sections.
I was very excited to hear this...and of course nervous.
There are many risks that come with both procedures.
Dave and I are still discussing it.
I'm hoping for a holiday miracle this year. And a huge amount of cash to just fall into my lap, and I never have to worry about being homeless, or my family starving ever again.
Hey...it could happen!
Happy Holidays Bitches!!!
* photo of my daughter's first tattoos, fake tattoos obviously- thanks to her daddy and washable markers! She LOVES Thomas the Train and his best friend Percy!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
I know. I know. It's been awhile since my last post.
And for that I'm sorry.
There's been SO much, actually TOO MUCH going on for quite awhile now.
I've had about two to three doctor appointments for myself every single week.
On my "off" time ( whatever that means) I've been taking care of my kids and their therapies, scheduling appointments for them, having meetings at my daughter's school, cleaning the house and after seven people every second of the day, plus caring for my (early dementia suffering) father who leaves plastic bags near candles and water running, trying desperately to put my feet up occasionally due to the swelling and sciatica, oh and struggling to make ends meet, due to not receiving food stamps for the second month in a row.
I was severely depressed for some time due to all the insane stress I've been under.
Trying to make sure we can pay bills AND buy food.
Hard fucking times.
By the way, I found out the baby in my belly is a GIRL!
I've been having a horrible time with doctors.
Today's appointment was no different. She was a moron, talking to me like I was the moron.
Just because I'm bipolar, doesn't mean I'm an idiot!!!!
It has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY INTELLIGENCE!
I told the doctor repeatedly I didn't feel well, and something didn't seem "right".
She brushed it off, because obviously I'm a moron that has no clue about my own body!
She also told me my "contractions" are probably just...get this...irritable bowel syndrome!
Yeah this doc took the muthafucking cake!!!
First of all, IBS is a REALLY OLD diagnosis, and any doctor ...THAT READS...knows that that diagnosis in the end usually became a MISDIAGNOSIS!
It was usually something like Chrones disease or Celiac disease, you know things like these. NOT I.B.S.
It's basically a bullshit diagnosis across the board. PERIOD.
Second, I've given birth two previous times...and apparently I have no clue what a contractions feels like, especially when it comes in timed intervals????
What a fucking thundercunt cockjuggler.
I can't STAND her.
Interestingly enough, at the end of the visit when I was in the nurses office, she came barging in saying my white blood cells where very very high!
SEE!!! You fucking Douche!!!!
I also told her my face felt swollen.
It was never ever swollen, during both my pregnancies, even my first one with Violet where I gained a ton of weight.
She just pretended I was crazy and said..."You look the same".
Because apparently she's known me forever???
This is only the second time I've ever met this woman, and the first time I met her was only five days ago!!!
Man, at this point I should be the fucking doctor.
I've found through lots of evidence I know more about medications and diagnoses than almost all the doctors I've ever met.
Why, you may ask.
Because I can fucking READ.
All the information is out there, in books and on the lovely internet.
Why can't doctors learn new things?????? I'm not being silly- once they leave med school, most just STOP researching. To prove the point, the last time I was in the city, at the hospital, I overheard a director saying to the residents, "Don't just ASSUME. Listen to the patient, hear the story, bookmark it in your head, and then read up on it at home. KEEP reading, never assume you know, everything changes on a dime these days."
This was one of the smartest doctors I've ever had the pleasure of overhearing.
God bless you, whoever you are...please spread the knowledge to the wee lil morons.
Oh and I've spent my time filling out housing assistance applications.
Such FUN, right?!
Of course I'm being sarcastic.
It really is insane, that out of my whole family, I'm the only one who's ever been committed ( to a mental institution- quite a few times) and been diagnosed with a mental disorder- yet I'm the sanest muthafucker in my entire HOUSE! And I'm taking care of everyone.
Now that's INSANE!
Just keepin' it real!
*photo of my babygirl. It's love at first sight:)
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I had to point out everything to her.
She couldn't even find the lymph node I had biopsied six years ago.
"There's nothing there. I don't see anything".
My response, "So the thing that has been biopsied and found on multiple ultrasounds and mammograms, you cannot find. And is suddenly not there anymore?!"
Her reply about 2 minutes later, "OH! There is it!"
What an idiot!
And it's fucking HUGE!
What a fucking moron!!!
The radiologist wasn't much smarter. Fanaststic!
I was so enraged by the treatment I was receiving that I forgot to mention a very important piece of information.
Well, I guess I'll share that piece of info with an actual breast specialist and surgeon instead.
I was supposed to feel better after the ultrasound, not worse.
They were very dismissive of me, and didn't even bother to compare the sonogram to my prior tests over the years. The ones I had to rush into the city for, the day before.
I ended up walking up and down multiple stairs because there were no elevators in the train stations.
Which of course caused a night full of contractions.
But no, they didn't even bother to read the reports.
The breast center was moving across the street, and this was their last day there.
FANASTIC! So you are distracted, and rushing me.
WHY DID YOU SCHEDULE MY VISIT ON MOVING DAY????
The breast center scheduled the appointment for me.
They also RUSHED the ultrasound do to my history.
But these people treated me like I was crazy.
Gee, thanks again doctors!
I was completely and totally depressed, and still am.
Especially when I saw what was left in the bank account. Heart attack inducing.
I had a growing headache in the hospital, when I got home it was unbearable.
I had a fever and felt ill, too ill to move.
Being sick sucks, being sick AND pregnant at the same time, sucks even more!
I was really bummed, not to have the support of my close friends.
They didn't really know what to say, so instead they said little to nothing.
I don't feel like talking to anyone right now, maybe not for awhile.
I'm angry, frustrated, depressed and sick. Great combo!!!
But I'm writing this blog- because to those of you that do care, and understand what I'm going through, I thought I owed it to you to let you know what happened.
Something that's been on my mind-
Why is it, when I mention to women that I would like a double mastectomy (a decision I made six years ago, and haven't changed my mind since), do they freaked out and take it personally?
Like I'm telling them to lop off their own boobs?!!!
One, it's my body- not yours.
Two, It's not like I use these things to read and write! So fucking relax!
It's not your BREASTS!!!
The minute I felt like these boobs could fucking kill me, I didn't find them "cute" anymore. Or even necessary.
I'm sorry if you feel differently.
I respect your opinion of your own boobs, NOT MINE.
That being said.
If you have a friend or family member going through this, try to be there for them.
REALLY be there for them. Try to understand what they are going through and offer your full support, listen to them and lend a shoulder to cry on.
I'll be in a deep dark hole for awhile.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I got out of the office finally, near 6 p.m.
Yeeeeeeea. Long day at the doctor.
You all know that I've been searching for an obgyn, while pregnant with my third child.
This pregnancy has been super difficult, physically and emotionally.
No bipolar medication.
It's been harder than most can imagine.
I've been on bipolar medications ( Every single on the market as first, 'til I found the right combo that worked for me) since 2003.
This has been my first with none whatsoever.
I suppress almost every feeling, not knowing what's real and what my bipolar is making me believe is real.
I've been fighting with everyone. I'm a real bitch.
Then again, it's not like they completely didn't deserve the fight.
When they bring it to my face, I'm gonna fucking pounce.
I have to stop myself at some point, because truly I have no idea what I am completely capable of, while off my meds and I don't want to find out, EVER!
I have my dad's insane rage inside me, I can feel it almost always. It's there, believe me.
I seem so calm to most people, so in control. But really it's just me trying to blend in and behave.
Kinda like a psychopath would really.
Yeah, I agree.
I never ever said I wasn't crazy.
In fact, that was my first diagnosis, by all my psychiatrists.
"Insane" and "Crazy".
Doctors! They are the best aren't they?! So SMART!
I'm being sarcastic of course!!!
On another note:
The midwife I saw yesterday, of course said she cannot treat me, but upstairs the high risk clinic could and they wouldn't turn me away.
The hospital I will be delivering in is a great hospital, so I've heard.
I had been asked to be an extra in an upcoming movie, then found out on Monday, they changed their minds. Fun huh?
I really needed that money, even if it was next to nothing. My family and I are really struggling again. I'm praying that I win the lotto soon!!!
On that same day, I found another lump in my "lucky" left breast.
I say lucky- because it's NOT AT ALL.
The midwife is sending me for a breast ultrasound.
I've had mammograms and ultrasounds, and a needle biopsy ( crazy painful by the way! NO DRUGS!), for my breasts every years since 2005, when I found my first lump in my left breast.
I wanted a double mastectomy in 2005, but they wouldn't give it to me, because I was "too young" ( and apparently stupid according to them) and would later on decide to sue them because I changed my mind.
They hear bipolar, and doctors automatically think, I have no clue about anything going on in my own body, and that I cannot make a permanent decision.
I've never ever gone back on my decisions.
And all the shit I've had to go through for the past 6 years, because they didn't do what I asked, is a nightmare.
I will have to continue doing this for the rest of my fucking life! Until they (god forbid) find something and it's too late.
FUCKING DOCTORS!!!!! ASSHOLES!
They told me to keep my breasts because I might want to breast feed if I ever have a baby.
Well I've had two thus far, and it never worked out. Actually it made my depression even worse because I wasn't able to.
I was FORCED to keep my breasts for this reason, and it didn't work out.
Sorry for the rant. I know it's not easy at all, to go from being big breasted all my life, ( well most of it, except for the time I was 80 lbs), since I was 11 years old,
to having no breasts. But I feel the choice is obvious at this point.
Back in 2005, when I was thinking of having a mastectomy, I came up with a stage name for myself: No-boobs Magoo.
I manage to deal with every personal tragedy through my sick sense of humor. Disgustingly sick sense of humor. For example, when they removed my breasts, I wanted them to be preserved in a jar, like horror movie brains. And then say to people I meet, "Hey, wanna see my tits?" And then watch their faces as I bring out my titty jelly jar. I'd leave it in my will to the kids, so when they grow up, they could say, all I inherited from my fuckin mom were her tits... and then put in the will that they HAVE to whip out the titty jelly jar.
I wouldn't do reconstructive surgery either. No fake tits for me.
Never liked the way they felt on other girls, why would I like it on me????
Also, putting a foreign substance into my body, a body that has been constantly sick since I was a child, doesn't sound like a great idea to me.
I read that breast cancer is the most common cancer during pregnancy, usually affecting women in their thirties, because pregnancy hormones can rapidly increase the growth of a tumor.
I'm NOT saying I have breast cancer, relax.
I'm just so tired of my breasts being poked and prodded, all the excessive and unnecessary radiation I receive, for what seems to me to be completely pointless.
Lee has been sick since Saturday with a high fever and cough.
He gets sick every month with something like this, due to my old mold infested apartment.
My children will forever live with this fact, but our old landlord gets to sit on his pile of cash and feel no remorse. What a cockjuggling thundercunt fuckface little shit.
Karma has to do something right???
And I get to live with my plethora of health problems as well.
I have a hard time believing the gates of heaven will open for people such as this,
with whatever religious beliefs I have left in me.
As far as I've seen, assholes live forever, happily.
And amazing, loving, caring people, such as my beloved grandmother get to spend the rest of their lives with dementia, not remembering their loved ones.
Again, sorry for the ranting...but what would my blog be, without some insane amount of anger and bitching???
your most insane, crazy bipolar bitch!