Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Pet therapy

One of my five dogs,  my furbabies, my loves,  this is Baby. The smallest.  All of them are my family.  It's like having 5 extra children in my house,  and I can't imagine my life without them all! !
All of my dogs were unwanted by others-
They've all become such a huge wonderful part of my family.
Happiness,  comfort,  therapy.
And ALL of them let me know BEFORE I have a seizure.
They are my therapy dogs!
They let me know to get to a safe place in time!
And baby  Always always anyways stays by my side till the seizure is over. It depends how bad it is.  Sometimes all of them will stay by my side,  or some will stay with my kids to comfort them and keep them distracted.

I'm very grateful for my furbabies.
It's been extremely great therapy for my kids as well.
Kids with autism can find great comfort in animals.
Mine do.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Elizabeth Taylor lookalike?

My Lula just turned 5 the other week! And did her own makeup,
Yes she decided  to add "a freckle" ( and i think its total awesomeness! - I'm aware that Liz Taylor doesn't have a beauty mark on her face.) Lula was just playing around with makeup and my wigs. When she finished, I couldn't help but see the resemblance between her in one of my old curly wigs with her makeup like so, and Andy Warhol's famous artwork of Elizabeth  Taylor.

I know I'm  bias, I'm her mommy.
I think it's awesome.
So of course.
No filter, nothing.
Just posted side by side.
Awesomesauce!

Friday, April 14, 2017

Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Disconnected from my reflection

I had a huge PBA (Pseuobulbar affect) moment followed by a seizure.
I know what you are thinking-

She is so fucing lucky!

I know, right?
Seizures,  PBA?! I'M LIVING THE FUCKING HIGH LIFE!

Yeah,  OK , back to "reality" or whatever people call it nowadays.

I went to wash my face and BAM!
that's when it happened.
I looked in the mirror-
And had absolutely no clue what or  who  this reflection was.

Let me repeat- None!  No clue whatsoever!
I freaked out.
I knew it was a mirror.
But that wasn't me.
It couldn't be!
Who the fuck was that?
What happened?
Is this a trick?
How was I replaced with this. .this. .THING? !

I started touching my short dark brown hair,  that I had last remembered being dreadlocks,  my body was so much bigger, I looked older,  I looked bland. Pale.
No color.
No animation

This thing was me? ????
Couldn't be!
Can't be! !
Where am I? !
I want to be me again!
This isn't funny! !!!
What happened?!
Why why why

I tried to explain this to my family,  but no one understood,  or still understands.
It happened yesterday, you see?
And everyone thinks this will just go away and fix itself.
But it won't

I can't stand my reflection.
Because it isn't me.
This caging . This casing is A MISTAKE.

And I can't fix me.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

cokehead is the correct spelling, autocorrect

from my past-


As I put my head out the window of the speeding bright green VW beetle, I saw flashing lights. I was really high on ecstasy and god knows what other small little magical pills I swallowed earlier that evening. The lights were all different beautitful colors- It thought to myself I've never seen something so beautiful before.

Probably a very common thought among "E heads".

It was all so amazing!! I felt so free!!

We stopped suddenly at a red light. Right beside us was a cop car.
The cops just looked at us with a glare.

My ( then) girlfriend hit the gas and we sped up practically racing the nearby police car- laughing our asses off!

Now before you go criticizing me being in a car with a girl just as high as me, driving.

Let me explain to you this- This girl could NOT drive for a second, sober-
She was terrible! HORRIBLE!
Her sister ( whom I dated as well) and I never got in the car when she was sober- we were afriad for our lives!

I remember these days.

There were several advantages to going out with a drug dealer.

She was a very petite little woman, with the face of Courtney Cox ( when she was young).
We smoked all the time, in the car, out of the car.
Did I mention she was also a cokehead?
Yeah- I at the time- was not.

Let me tell you this every single drug dealer I' ve ever met- and there have been lots!!!
Has at least one drug they will not touch. Because they felt it was beneath them to do so.

Take my ex- girl for example- she LOVED the shit out of coke, but would never ever smoke CRACK. But that was her biggest money maker- CRACK.
She looked down on crackheads, talking shit about them all the time, while she would sniff about eight lines of coke in one sitting.

This relationship- if you could call it that- didn't last long.
She did propose to me though, I even accepted at the time.
I couldn't say no- ever to anybody- at that time. So I accepted this antique diamond ring, as she got down on one knee proposing.

I accepted even though I knew I didn't love her.

I did not follow through. Thank goodness! I gave her back everything.


Mania is it's own drug.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Unhappy thoughts much?

Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created,  but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness  and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Listen to the beat

Sometimes you just need to let go of everything-not easy usually but when I can it's through music.
One of my coping mechanisms is music-listening,  singing,  and used to be dancing.
I'm trying to find my way back to the things I used to find joy in.
Creative things- painting,  drawing -I can't seem to have the attention span for these things yet.

Possibly I'll start gaming again.
My kids seem to want me to join in.

I'll watch movies sometimes.
But music is always the way to my soul.
It's houses memories, cries of sadness and joy.

So here's a pic of me rocking out on my couch, to go with this  random blog update to get me into the swing of things.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Let's play super quick catch up- cuz I'm impatient

Since my last post in 2011-

 I had gave birth to my third child, a baby girl. She's  now going to be turning 5 in April. Her name is Lula

-after her birth I had severe Postpartum depression,  went into the institution  several times.

-As a last resort had E.C.T. (electroshock treatments) which were one of the worst decisions of my life.

- I suffered great poverty and had to move from NYC to NC  for my family's
Sake

-suffered many traumas during the move.

-had a possible stroke?


-basically lots of fun shit. Tons of fun. (Oodles and oodles of sarcasm!)

But really sooooo much more happened than these shitty cliff notes.

Now-let's play!

Smooches bitches!
I'm back.
And no one's ready for me.

Signed
Head bitch in charge.




Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Thyroid doctors


Went to my endocrinologist today.
AND FINALLY GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!
I got to see daylight!!! Have the sun on my face. It was beautiful.
Especially after being home bound for what seems like forever already.
The pain has been so intense. I knew something was wrong with my thyroid and that it couldn't be ALL due to my pregnancy.
I mentioned before that I've gained about 16 pounds so far in the pregnancy- while eating barely anything (due to being severely nauseous all the fucking time) and eating healthier than ever before.
All my friends know I have a really big appetite and LOVE fried foods.
And while eating all this, stayed a normal and healthy weight ( sometimes even underweight).
This doctor is in Manhattan. And even though he's very far from where I live, he's totally worth it. He's the very first doctor, that is super smart, not an asshole, and knew what he was doing. He actually CARES! This is so rare! And he gets my sense of humor.
He's a good person, I find that most doctors AREN'T GOOD PEOPLE!
When I saw him today, I voiced my concerns and he listened.
He asked me several questions.
I let him know I was pregnant.
He told me when a person with thyroid disease is pregnant they actually need their thyroid medication upped about 30-40% MORE. And almost double that if the person is pregnant with twins!
YEA! I could've really used this information during my last two pregnancies!
Especially the one I had with Vivi!!! Where I gained 120 lbs by fucking BREATHING!!!! And was lectured by almost every doctor I saw, telling me to basically stop eating because I was getting too fat!
FUN, huh?!!!!
All this could've been avoided.
I get my blood test results in a few days.
He will call me, I don't have to hound him and his receptionist for two weeks until he graces me with a call back.
Like I said, GOOD DOCTOR!
Funny thing, he had a medical student with him today. Usually I don't like medical students. But this time I didn't mind.
When my doctor put the stethoscope to my chest, checking my heart, the medical student followed and put his stethoscope to my chest as well.
I had two doctors checking my heart at the same time!
I've lived my life in doctor's offices and hospitals, but this was the first time that happened to me!
I was cracking up!
My doctor said "We are a full service hospital here!", joking around.
I felt like Sookie in true blood in the final episode (yes I love true blood)
when both Bill and Eric were feeding off her at the same time.
Dave was in the room with me and the doctors, and I swear we thought the EXACT same thing at the exact same time....TRUE BLOOD!
So funny!
I ended up being on my feet a lot today, but it felt so good being able to walk.
Last night I felt like I was dying. I had pain everywhere and a severe migraine. I could feel every blood vessel on the left side on my head was on FIRE!
It was HELL.
I can't wait for my thyroid medications to be the correct dosage.
It should help ease the pain of the fibromyalgia (which worsens to the point I'm crippled, when my thyroid is too low).

Now all I gotta do is wait.

Wish me luck!
I'd love to be able to walk again and go places!!!!

Kisses Bitches,
love,
Your main fucked up Bitch!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

STUCK IN BED!



THIS SUCKS!!! Dave's family calls me "hot feet", because I can never stay sitting down. I'm always moving, cleaning, cooking, running after my kids, doing laundry, etc. etc. etc. There's always something that must be done- and I ALWAYS feel it needs to be done right this very minute.
I'm a perfectionist, I don't believe people can do things, the way I need them done.
Yes, this could just be a "mom thing" or it could be the truth.
When I do things, it's quicker and more efficient.
I probably have major O.C.D. when it comes to my house, and the way I like things to be done.
Either way, I end up paying for being on my feet constantly.
I pay for it in PAIN.
Contractions, cramping, swollen legs, pain in joints and bones. I know, It's SO MUCH FUCKING FUN RIGHT?!
Yeah, I know I'm just ranting- but I just gotta let some steam out.
Plus this shitty weather isn't helping. It's just making me super depressed and increasing the pain I'm in.
It's hard for me to just sit back, and let everyone else do all the chores in the house.
I feel exhausted all the time, and usually don't want to get up out of bed, but of course I do end up getting out of bed because there's so much that needs to be done on a daily basis.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm super happy I'm pregnant. I've wanted this baby for a long time.
And I'm very thankful to God for letting me have this baby.
It's just the ten agonizing months of pain, that have me ranting and raving.
Plus I'm so hungry! But I can barely eat because of the nausea. And I get full super quick.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuffing my face just to get food in my stomach!
After three bites, I'm physically full, but still SO HUNGRY.
It totally eerily reminds me of my old eating disorder days, mainly the bingeing days of yore.
I HATE those days with a passion. And anytime I feel like I'm doing it again, I feel like I'm spiraling.
Being off my medications doesn't help this feeling at all.
A few doctors have told me, I have to get on some Bipolar medications because I can start to severely deteriorate during this pregnancy and it can be very dangerous for me.
I feel so torn, my doctor is afraid to put me on any meds for fear of harming the baby.
My baby is my main concern, and I feel guilty if I put her at risk so that I'm stable.
Some days are better than others. Yesterday I was kinda happy. I even baked a fresh banana bread ( I used to bake all the time).
I made fresh lentil soup, minestrone soup- you name it I'm cooking and baking it.
Plus I'm LOVING spicy foods. And my baby ain't disagreeing with me.
HA! Maybe she's going to be a chef or a baker? Who knows!

That's all for now.

Kisses Bitches,
Love your main Bitch!

Monday, August 29, 2011

what I came from







Yep. These photos were from my old home. My old apartment on the Upper west side. THIS IS WHAT I CAME FROM.
Mold and lead infested, neglected by the slum landlord.
Last year was the worst year of my life. Going back and forth to court, trying to make the landlord fix the apartment. The judge was paid off, so we almost got evicted because of the fucking evil bastard.
My kids and I were sick everyday, with high fevers and lung infections.
No lawyer would take our case, because lead wasn't in their blood stream and mold cases were harder to win.
I was going to food pantries and soup kitchens to feed my family and I.
I almost got arrested the day we were moving because my asshole super, was going to have me arrested for...TRESPASSING... in my own still-paid-for apartment.
If there was anything that could shake my faith, it was last year.
On top of that my place was severely haunted. And not by nice spirits. We're talking really evil ones. Angry ones.
My family members are not "sensitives". They didn't believe me when I would tell them these things. Neither did my head doctors. They just put me on more medications to stop the voices and visions.
Because in the doctor field, there is no such thing as the supernatural, the only thing they believe is being "insane".
Fun, right?!
These ghosts would break things, throw things across the room, new light bulbs would die, electrical fires throughout the apartment, they terrified me.
I'd known about them since I was a little kid, but over time they got more and more angry.
I had serious sleeping problems due to this.
I tried to keep my faith, but everything around me seemed to be going to shit.
I hit bottom alright, even worse than being institutionalized several times years before.

All changed once I left that hell.
Not at first, at first the spirits tried to come with us to our new home.
That's why I left all my furniture, cooking supplies, even clothes at the old place so that no spirit that connected with any of these objects could step into our new home.
Starting January 2011, things started to get better, little by little, not perfect obviously ( as you all know), but definitely better.

A lot of people have no idea what I've been through in my life, or what I came from.
This is just a GLIMPSE of my old life ( there's OH SO MUCH MORE!) and one of the many reasons I don't have patience for people who have EVERYTHING ( money, health, happiness, family) complaining about the little things in life that bother them.
Seriously do everyone a favor, and shut your fucking mouth.
You should be thankful for what you have. I'm grateful everyday that I'm out of that hellhole, and that my family and I are safe.

On another note-
I heard my first voice (deceased or spirit guide, I'm not sure) for the first time since moving.
I was so caught off guard, I was filling the tub at the time and heard a females voice directly in my ear, I couldn't make out what she was saying, because I freaked out, screamed "What the FUCK WAS THAT!!!" and accidentally turned on the shower and soaked myself, while still fully clothed!

Yep. Looks like I'm not alone here either, but I don't feel an evil presence here like at my old place.
But strange things are starting to happen. I really wish I had a mentor or a guide to help me navigate through these things. No one here knows how to help me. My husband is supportive of me though, thank goodness.
It helps to have some "believers" around me.

Anyways,
Kisses Bitches!
Love,
Your main bitch!




Friday, August 26, 2011

It's such a good feeling


to know you're alive,
it's such a happy feeling... (the Mr. Roger's theme)

Please tell me you know this theme song, if not. Then I'm fucking old.

Anyways, I went to see my new doctor yesterday at the high-risk clinic.
Well, maybe I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to meet your doctor at the first visit and have a sonogram AT THE SAME OFFICE???

Or is that just the way it works in Manhattan????

It was so weird. I was at the clinic from 9:30 and didn't get to leave until 3 p.m.!
I didn't have a sonogram or met the doctor that will be delivering my baby when the time comes.
I waited over two hours just to have my blood taken!!!
What the friggity fuck!

Such a waste of time yesterday. Really.
They were nice there luckily.
Plus I heard the next time I go, the waiting time just to see the doctor can be 2 hours!
Man, I think I should just sign in and then take a look around the neighborhood or something and let them call me on my cell when it's time for me to actually get to see the doctor!
INSANITY!
I have no patience you should all know this about me, by now.
A.D.H.D and bipolar have many similarities- one being  that I have no ability to freakin WAIT!

Maybe this is the Manhattanite in me? Fast paced and never stopping.

In September I'll finally get to see my baby, and meet my doctor.
Plus I'm getting genetic testing done, because when I tell doctors my family's medical history they start to panic. I don't, but they ALWAYS DO.

While getting my blood drawn, I overheard a young lady say she had an ectopic pregnancy (An ectopic pregnancy is a complication of pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterine cavity.)     
I was sad to hear this, but I knew in my gut ( my instinct), she was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her this. But many do not take hearing this from a stranger, nicely. They always give me a look, like I'm crazy.  So I decided not to tell her, especially since she was with an asshole of a boyfriend.
My gut instincts are getting way better. I was able to tell a friend that she was going to have a baby girl, and not to worry about it being so difficult to get pregnant.
I'm not in denial anymore about my abilities.
It's nice to see the relief on a friends, or strangers face, when you tell them good news. Not false news, but good news, you know will come true, and that will make the person a lot happier to know.

A little over two months ago, my doctor lowered my thyroid medication. I told them it was a very bad idea. But they never listen to me.
That very week, I gained six pounds! By doing nothing different.
So you can understand how scared I was when I saw my weight gain yesterday.
OH, FUCK ME! This sucks fucking ass!!!
I gained A LOT!!! A lot a lot!
I've been so sick from the pregnancy I've been eating less than I used to and healthier.
This is bullshit!
I hope they up my dosage again, otherwise I'm gonna be obese by the end of this pregnancy. I'm not joking. Luckily, I will be able to take it all off afterwards, if not, then most of it ( I have twice before, I can do this again).
My main issue are the doctors. They don't believe me. They usually think I'm drinking from a chocolaty sodalicious fountain all day long, eating noting but fat injected crap.
Yeah, I went through this with my first doctor, when I was preggo with Vivi.
I started at 80 lbs. and went up to nearly 200lbs.
They never took into account that I was FUCKING 80 POUNDS before I started.
I'd been hospitalized twice for eating disorders. And they had continued to get worse.
My daughter saved my life. She taught me there's way more to life than just focusing on stupid weight.
And even though I feel way more confident in my body, and able to not be so superficial.
It bores me now when I talk to anorexics and bulimics. It also saddens me, that they don't see how ridiculous  it is to be obsessing over. It's all about feeling "in control" anyway.
Weight is just one way to feel in control of your life, when it's spinning fast out of control.

I just gotta deal with the whole massive weight gain issue, during this pregnancy and hope that afterwards, my baby and I are healthy and happy. That's the most I can ask for anyways. After having four miscarriages. I just want a full-term healthy baby after all this.


So, if you see me in the street all fat and pregnant, if you say anything about my weight or how big I've gotten, I have every right to punch you in your fucking face, you understand don't you?

Yeah, thanks for understanding,
You don't need a broke face anyway do you?

Kisses Bitches!
- Your main bitch.




Wednesday, August 24, 2011

When did every crazy person start being called bipolar????


I really wonder where this started.
All my friends, come to me with a story of a "crazy" friend, lover or family member, that they think is
Bipolar.

Let me tell you right now, this is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine.
NOT EVERY "CRAZY" or "MEAN" person is BIPOLAR!
I PROMISE YOU THIS!
Bipolar just started to become "popular" about, I'd guess maybe two or three years ago.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY after I was diagnosed.
I had to explain what bipolar was to nearly every single friend, family member or lover I had.
Sounds like fun, huh?
NOPE, not one bit.


But now I feel myself explaining the label Bipolar more than ever.
And it's so frustrating.


Hey maybe that ex of yours that cheated on you and treated you badly one minute, and great the next, was NOT BIPOLAR...but just a major ASSHOLE?!
Did that ever cross your mind???
Bipolar is a serious disorder. Not a label that should come lightly.
There's no real cure, but there are ways to maintain...a somewhat stability in your life, with help from therapists and medications, a supportive family and network of friends.

That's all we do (us bipolars), is suppress our bipolar tendencies and try, desperately to live a normal stable life. This is not an easy task, and should not be taken lightly.Especially if we are obeying our every single desire and impulse- which is  NOT A GOOD IDEA and usually leads to harm of oneself or others.

My friends also tell me stories about a person they think might be Bipolar, but to me, just seems like a clinically insane person.
YES, INSANE!
What ever happened to a plain old CRAZY person. Not Bipolar- just straight up maniac? Not MANIC, but MANIAC????!!!!

What the fuck, people?!!!
No, not every asshole, or straight up crazy person is Bipolar. Would you please please please keep this in mind when trying to "diagnose" your friend, family member or lover??!
PLEASE!!!

There are SO many other types of insanity! SO MANY!
How about you read a book instead, on diagnoses, huh?

and stop pretending you have any clue what being bipolar actually means, will ya?


Thanks for listening bitches!
Droppin' science;)


Kisses Bitches!




Sunday, August 21, 2011

Been keepin a prego journal


It's so easy on my phone. Easier than updating my blog, that's for sure.

So these have been my entries so far- starting Aug. 10th

Journal Date: 08/10/11
Mood: Cranky
Energy: Have some
Appetite: Hungry
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs and fish cakes

Journal Date: 08/11/11
Mood: Tired
Energy: So so
Appetite: Hungry
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Salty eggs

Journal Date: 08/12/11
Mood: Cranky
Energy: None
Appetite: Hungry
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Anything skittles
Notes: Walked all over the city. Build a bear ( 29.99 for bear, outfit AND shoes! woohoo can't beat that price! Exhausted!!!

Journal Date: 08/13/11
Mood: Tired,achy
Energy: Some
Appetite: Eh
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs

Journal Date: 08/14/11
Mood: Tired,moody,yet happy
Energy: Some
Appetite: Eh
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs, pickles, chocolate chip cookies that I made from scratch
Notes: Made eggs for everyone for breakfast for two weeks already! Thunderstorm last night kept levi up, so I held his hand for hours so he could sleep. Had bad cramps all night long and a migraine. I always worry when i'm prego and have cramps. Not fun at all.

Journal Date: 08/15/11
Mood: Tired
Energy: None
Appetite: Some
Morning sickness: Some
Notes: Interviewed by daily news!!!

Journal Date: 08/16/11
Mood: Upset,hurt,sad,bummed
Energy: Little to none
Appetite: Not much
Morning sickness: Some
Cravings: Nothing
Notes: Got hurt by a friend today. Cried like a little bitch during a fucking chick flick I watched last night. I've always hated chick flicks. I hate movies that make me cry. Ewwww icky. It sucks being hurt by someone you trust. But another friend of mine, bought me an awesome gift! A book called " Go the fuck to sleep!" I loooooove it.

Journal Date: 08/18/11
Weight: feels like 2000 lb
Mood: Exhausted and nauseous
Energy: None
Appetite: Hungry but nauseous
Morning sickness: Yes!
Cravings: Cheese!
Notes: Almost spent the night puking. Thank god for Zofran (the miracle medication)! Made up with my friend. Yay!

Journal Date: 08/19/11
Weight: feels like 2000 lb
Mood: Pain
Energy: Pain
Appetite: Pain
Morning sickness: Yesssss
Cravings: No pain
Notes: At hospital massive contractions

Journal Date: 08/20/11
Weight: likes like 3000 lb (feeling very swollen after sitting for hours and hours with my legs dangling, while at the hospital the other night)
Mood: Sleepy
Energy: Little
Appetite: None
Morning sickness: Yesssss. Morning, noon, night!
Cravings: Nuthin
Notes: Feeling gross but better than yesterday. Baby is good, except for low heartbeat. Gotta take it easy. Watched a very corny Sci-Fi movie about vampires. I feel like everything is SO corny lately. All the trailers and advertisements I've seen look like I'm in a fucking MOVIE. These ads are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD. So stupid. Does anyone fucking notice this shit?! Am I in a fucking coma, and don't know it????!!!! I'm questioning my fucking reality!!! Being off my medication, doesn't help. Off my bipolar meds, Doctor's orders. I'm starting to lose touch. Things don't FEEL real.

Journal Date: 08/21/11
Weight: 2000 lb
Mood: Surreal, not myself
Energy: Some
Appetite: Hungry but REALLY nauseous
Morning sickness: Yessss
Cravings: Salty fish ( tuna with olive oil dill and lemon is AWESOME!) and ginger ale
Notes: Went outside. Walked all the way to waldbaums ( I love that store), Vivi walked with me all the way home afterwards! I'm very proud of her:) it was very humid and hot outside. I started contracting again soon after I got home. Watched "how to train your dragon", almost cried. I'm such a sucker for " I'm so proud of you son (or daughter)" movies, especially after being the underdog/ black sheep for SO LONG( like me!). So now I'm still contracting, but cooking some indian chicken curry and rice through the pain. I'm tough as NAILS, BITCH! I'm having some trouble, being off my meds right now. Having problems seeing whats "real" and what's not. Just another fun time being a bipolar.


Kisses Bitches!!!
More journal entires to come!

*photo of my daughter at about 9 months old. THIS is why I'm off my meds. To make another PERFECT baby;)





















Saturday, August 20, 2011

I gotta tell y'all something


Yep. You got it! I'm pregnant again. Nope, it wasn't a mistake. None of my pregnancies were.
I have two beautiful children. And I've had four miscarriages.
Not  everyone in my family knows this, but I guess they do now, huh?
One before Vivi. One after Vivi, before Lee, and two after Lee. I always wanted a big family. I love kids. I even wanted to be a foster mom. After having my kids, that proved a difficult task, because my kids needed lots of attention, even more so than "regular" kids (I put regular in quotes because I think this is funny, since I've never ever met one "regular" kid before in my life).
You all know my kids are autistic. Vivi also had a recent psychological evaluation and is now on the MR ( mental retardation) spectrum as well. She is "severely MR". No worries, she still has her PDD diagnosis and her symptoms go hand in hand with one another. This doesn't mean Vivi isn't smart, she's brilliant, but by whatever methods they test for these kinds of things, this was the answer they got. It doesn't affect me, my family, or Vivi. She's still the most awesome daughter ever, as far as we are all concerned. Lee as you all know has PDD as well. So my kids need extra attention otherwise they will kill each other, or themselves, they have no sense of danger or consequences- EVER!
Yes, so I'm adding another addition, another MOST FLY kid to the mix, of my lot.
Yes there is a chance my third will be autistic. But autism, isn't a "defect", or something to be cured in my book. It just makes my kid even more special and complex a person to me and my husband.
If found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, I wanted to share it with y'all right away but was too scared to say, because of all my previous miscarriages. But I wanted to talk about being pregnant and Bipolar at the same time. And what goes on daily, well at least for me.
Yesterday I was in the hospital, for over eight hours. I had contractions- yes, contractions, since the previous night. You all know I am TERRIFIED of hospitals, because I almost died after I had Lee, due to a severe infection. If it was possible, I would have liked to have all my kids, birthed at home, in water. Yeah, I'm a fucking hippie, or I'm just terrified and have become a germaphobe due to my previous experiences at hospitals. But I don't get to make this choice, because of all the complications I've had with all my pregnancies. Having miscarried four times. It's not an easy thing to talk about, believe me. But I do feel it's necessary to share these experiences with others. Let them know they are not alone, these horrible things do happen.
I was afraid I was losing my baby yesterday, it was very scary. So I decided to force myself to go to the hospital, despite my fears, so that my baby would be okay.
My baby is doing good. Except for the fact her heartbeat is very low. Yes, I said girl, I'm about 99.9% sure this one is a girl. How do I know this? I knew with both Lee and Vi what they would look like and what gender they were, before I even got pregnant with them. I'm a sensitive.
Just another weird fact about me.
I can usually pick words out of people's heads. I also dream of my future nightly. Like I said, just more weird and fun facts about me.
Her heartbeat is low, they said it might just be a technical problem with the ultrasound machine, but I don't agree. I saw the doctor's face as she told me. So I'm supposed to rest- A LOT. And take it easy.
I feel nauseous, in constant pain, like I have the flu- real bad.
My fibromyalgia doesn't help this fact.
My doctor took me off my bipolar medications, because they can contribute to birth defects, miscarriages, premature birth, etc. etc. etc.
Being pregnant does even out my moods a bit. If I wasn't pregnant there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be able to get off my medications. I'm definitely PRO-MEDICATION!!!!!
Don't ever ever ever get off your medications unless your doctor tells you so. PLEASE!!! For the love that is all good and holy!!!
Un-medicated Bipolars SCARE the SHIT OUTTA ME!
So I'm trying my best not to have an emotional, nervous breakdown.
Let see how that goes shall we?

I'll keep you all updated Bitches, ok?

Kisses Bitches,
Your main bipolar bitch!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Trying desperately to write daily


Let's see how this goes.

I made eggs for everyone (five adults and 1 curious babygirl. The other one wanted no part in it).
I feel everyone takes me for granted.
I should go on strike!!!!

Thunderstorms kept Lee up most of the night. So I pulled his crib right next to my bed, so that I could hold his hand for several hours, so he could sleep, while I did not.
The things mamas do for the kids, huh?
I love my babies, so it's totally worth it.

I was in pain most of the night and uncomfortable. Not fun at all.

Craving lots of eggs ( pastured eggs are DELICIOUS!!! When I can afford them;), pickles ( FROMTHE BARREL!!! NO JARRED FREAKS OF NATURE PLEASE!!!) and my homemade chocolate chunk cookies ( I made them two days ago and everyone seems to be attacking them!!!)
I totally fucked up  the recipe, because I've been so out of it lately. But they came out the best chocolate chip cookies I ever made!!! Go figure!!!

I'm tired, cranky, and a bit delusional. the day being stormy doesn't help.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

P.S. I'm crossing my fingers I get interviewed for a segment on autism, for CBS, this week.
Oh I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE!!!!!! Please cross your fingers too!!!

Am I the only person on the planet, that thinks my kids being autisitic isn't a problem, or curse. But a miracle. My kids are so special, and perfect the way they are and were always meant to be. I'm not looking for a "cure", or for them to grow out of it. I LOVE my babies more than life itself. And I believe God made them perfect the way they are.
But I guess that's just me, huh?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Bitches be LOCO!



I have so many haters- I lost count.

But in the words of the great Katt Williams:

"so what she/he keeps talking about you and hating on you. What do you think a "hater's" job is..to hate. if you have someone hating on you right now u better think of how to get 5 more people hating by Christmas. You need haters to make you stronger..without haters most people wouldn't try to become better. Just tell them "bitch you just hate me because you can't be me!"
 
 

WORDS TO FUCKING LIVE BY.

So I guess I'm doing well, if so many people are hating on me, right?
I got so many so called "friends" that talk shit behind my back.
That say mean things to me, about the clothes I wear, my look, my decisions, my family.
These people ain't no friends of mine no longer. And you people that are reading this- know who the fuck you are. Being all two-faced and shit.

But don't worry, I don't need to do nuthing. Your bad karma will take care of that for me.

Maybe I'm too nice. Because I don't talk shit about you to other people.
Even though,
THERE'S A LOT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT when it comes to you.

I decide to be the better person. And all the people you call your friends, are the ones that have spoke major shit about you behind YOUR back.


I am the person, I've always wanted to be. Can you say the same?
You know in all actuality, you don't hate me, you're just jealous of me, because you wanna be me.

I've dealt with haters all my life, even ones that threatened to kill me. Yep, kill me.

Fun, right?
There are way too many crazy mutherfuckin haters out there, that got noting better to do, but make others miserable.


I am who I am, you don't have to like the clothes I wear, because I don't dress for your approval, or anyone else's. Never have, never will. I don't dress for my husbands approval, and that's one of the many reasons we are together, He's never tried to change me, or the way I cut my hair, or the way I dress. I change my style from day to day. And he likes them all. Why? Because I'm an original not a follower.


In the words, of my best friend, "Why try to be like everyone else? When you were meant to stand out!"

Yes, she's extremely wise. She is MOST FLY!

She tells me this when the haters finally break me down, and have me wondering why I don't dress, look and act like everyone else.


We bitches, shouldn't talk shit about, and hate on one another. We should be building each other up. Since the whole world wants to break a good bitch down.

That's why I complement my friends, and even strangers, why I'm nice to other people I don't even know. Not because I'm trying to get into their pants or anything, I'm not flirting with you, because I complemented your dress, or your hair.
I'm saying this nice things to you, because I want to. I actually LIKE the things I say I like. And mean, what I say.
I say these things, because I want to build you up, not down like every other hater in town.
Because why be a stank ass crazy bitch, when you don't gotta be? You could be so much better than that. You could be the coolest fucking bitch around, instead.

So if you talkin' shit about me behind my back, don't think I'm stupid and don't know. Just know that because of you,
I'm inspired to be a better more stand up person. Maybe in fact I'll do things purposely just to piss you off. And make that bad karma that's following you come quicker. HA HA HA HA HA!


Kisses to all my lovely wonderful, beautiful Bitches out there.

And I nice FUCK YOU, to all the stank ass crazy bitches out there that be hatin'.


*photo of me, way back in the day. Yep! I dressed myself that day. Wearing my LIGHT UP PINK PIG VISOR to top off the entire get up. My mom fought me, tooth and nail, to NOT WEAR the pig visor. But I loved my fucking pig visor, and I wasn't gonna go anywhere, without it, DAMMIT!

See? I was ALWAYS FUCKING ORIGINAL!




Thursday, July 28, 2011

hey people!



How's everybody doing?
Things have been hectic here, so I had no time whatsoever to blog, let alone do anything I enjoy like watch t.v. and movies, read magazines, socialize, you know all the good stuff.
I've been going to sleep freaking early as fuck! At 7 p.m. I'm dropping.
Probably because I'm up at the crack of dawn and doing housework, caring for my kids, making appointments, calling doctors, grocery shopping, cooking, getting hit by my son.

Oh yea, that's nice and new. My son, the violent one.
You all know Violet is a rough and tough kid. She's like the terminator, nothing stops her. No pain, no remorse.
But Levi, my gentle little sensitive son, is now becoming aggressive. Kicking, hitting, biting- you know all the good stuff (just kidding about it being "good stuff" obviously) ;)
He's been having serious tantrums and they last SO LONG.
And even after all this, I still look at my kids like they are angels. They are my sweet peas, always and forever.
I got a box of used toys, from one of Levi's therapists.
She knew Vivi has a new ( and old- from a long long time ago, then got terrified of it for some reason, then fell back in love with) Thomas the train. I don't understand this obsession at all.
But whatever makes her happy, I will do- and tolerate.
So we got a big box of used Thomas the train toys. The kids were so happy.
In the box though were also toy tools from the show bob the builder. Including for reason odd reason, a toy axe. Yeeeeeeeah. Toy axe.
So my daughter took the axe, put a pillow on the living room floor, then stood on the couch still holding the axe, jumped to the floor (like in the movie "300") and then hit the floor with the axe when she landed. She did this over and over and over again. She's a machine!!!
My daughter is MEANT to be an assassin for sure.
Meanwhile my son learned the word "mommy" and now calls every person with tits "Mommy!"
This includes guys with "moobs".
He doesn't discriminate!
Vivi also LOVES saying the word "boobies!" over and over and over again.
Her daddy asked Vivi "Where are the boobies?" And Vivi ran over to me and grabbed mine.

Oh lucky me. Ha ha! 

This whole part of my blog (above) was written July 27th in the morning. I had to stop because Levi was tantruming.


A LOT happened later in the day.
My dad had a procedure in the hospital, he had a radiation seed implanted yesterday- WITHOUT any drugs. OUCH!
Then I found out my grandma had a seizure (well they thought it was a seizure, turned out it wasn't exactly) and was rushed to the hospital again. She has a fever and a UTI. My poor grandma:(
You all know she has dementia by now, so she can't communicate if she's in pain, or really about much for that matter. She doesn't remember me either.
She was in the hospital previously, for surgery, she had parts of her foot removed, due to a massive bone infection and had just gotten home last Thursday.
THEN, after all of that, Dave and I had a fight. A BIG ONE. He's stupid. He knows he was wrong. Everything is gonna be okay, don't worry.

After everything I was exhausted. Very exhausted.
Because of the amount of stress, I went to bed in a lot of pain.
So kill me, if I'm not in a cheery fucking mood.
My family has told me I've been moody lately.
My response, "Fuck off."


Kisses Bitches! Keep on Truckin'

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dave dresses like a homeless man



My neighborhood thinks my husband has "special needs".
Dave is a TRUE PUNK. He doesn't dress to impress ANYONE.
He really doesn't give a flying fuck what you think of him.
This I admire about him but don't agree with.
I dress everyday to impress. Not to impress others exactly, but I dress a certain way to feel confident about myself. The more confident I feel that day, the better my attitude will be.
Yesterday he came with me to the rheumatologist.
He wore an orange striped polo, with navy and black athletic shorts, with gray socks and his black shape-up sneakers. Plus he was unshaven and very sleepy as always.
He's a TRUE- to the fucking CORE- Narcoleptic!
He can fall asleep in the middle of talking! Standing! Or walking!
Anytime- anywhere!
It's SICK!
Meanwhile I'll be up for hours just listening to him snoring like an animal!
Women ARE SO DIFFERENT from men.
It really is like we are from two completely different planets!

When we got on the bus, we went through about 5 empty metrocards till we found one with enough money on it. Dave shouted "YAY!!!" The bus driver replied with enthusiasm "YAY!" smiling at Dave.  Like Dave was "special". FUCKING HILARIOUS!
Then we waited in the waiting room, for Doctor Father time for about 2 freakin hours!!!
Which he spent falling asleep and moaning, like a homeless man. The best fed homeless man ever.
It looked like I picked him off the street to pretend to be my husband for some reason!
I'm just lucky he didn't start farting in his sleep at the office.

Last night, I explained to him my concern.
We laughed so hard about the whole thing!!!

By the way- on a side note- I've stopped my Geodon again.
Don't worry with my doctor's blessing.
Because it might be worsening my heart problems.
So I will most probably be going crazy, but at least I won't be dead, right???!
This also means my "filter system" will be down. So it's like I have tourettes. Literally.
Today Dave and I were talking yet again about his "dressing situation".
And for some reason I yelled "STUPID!!!" Then started hysterically laughing. Uncontrollably!!!
We both were laughing!
He said to me "So we're okay with that? You calling me stupid?"
I replied "Yep! No Geodon. I got me some tourettes now, BOYYYYYY!
Because I wasn't even thinking of the word stupid, it's just came out!
Too funny.
I gotta take Dave shopping ASAP! I can't take this much longer.

Because of the whole- no geodon thing- I can also kiss sleep goodbye!
No sleep last night. My throat is so sore and my thoughts were racing. Oh boy, such fun. NOT!
I'm beyond exhausted- but still have energy to type, and a good sense of humor to laugh about it all.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Just a little ketchup


Oops I meant catchup.
I've been to several doctors, yet again. I'm now being sent to a pain management doctor!
Woohoo!
That's the one I've been looking forward to seeing. That's the happiness doctor.
Me likey!
I saw a doctor today. He's as old as time. I think he even witnessed the big bang!
So he really didn't completely understand everything I've been going through.
Though he is one of the first doctors to BELIEVE me and the amount of pain I'm in daily!
YAY! Go Father Time! Go! Go! Go Father Time!!!!
He said most likey I have fibromyalgia. DUH!!!!!

Anywhoo-
The kids have been doing well. They are very happy their daddy is back.
Plus I think my daughter is a lesbian.
Let me explain.
Dave about a week ago told Violet to "Say Paci!" (For her pacifier. Yes she's still using a pacifier- BITE ME! No really! I don't give a shit)
"Say Paci, Violet. Say Paci" Dave kept saying.
Her response "PUSSY!"
Very very clearly.
Dave then asked Violet "Violet are you a lesbian?" Joking around.
Her answer "Chu Cha! ( Spanish for pussy) Yup yup! Go go go!!!!"

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. That's my daughter. Fucking hilarious, right?!!!! And so fucking AWESOME!
I'm probably the only pro-gay parent in my whole neighborhood. Other than Dave, of course.
Like I said before, I'm Bisexual. I came out of the closet when I was 16 years old.
No one welcomed me, that's for sure. There wasn't any parade for me. Sad, right?
But that was a loooooooooooong time ago.
Most of my friends are still shocked to this day, how I ended up married to a man with two kids. Domesticated.
A former "free spirit".
But right now, I'm getting way off topic.
Dave and I are working things out between us. We are working on our marriage now.
Our kids seem a lot happier because of it.
He's become a better dad and better husband. and everyday he's still working on it, like painting the Sistine Chapel....o' love.

Yesterday we had an argument. My sister got worried, because she thought I was going to throw him out, just because we had a fight.
I told her." No, one fight isn't going to end everything. He realized he was wrong and I was right."
He very quickly added "Yep!"
We all laughed. And that was the end of the night.

The fight had increased my pain 100 times more.
The pain has been SO intense! Crippling really. It seems to continue to get worse. Not better.
Oh joy. Lucky me, right?
I started re-reading my fave nutrition books, "Real Food".
I'm gonna try following it again. I strongly agree with the author. She's very inspiring.
I'll try anything right now. Plus I'd really like to add some serious muscle relaxers to the mix. Anything to dull the pain, right now would help.
RIGHT FUCKING NOW. But I got none.

My chest was hurting so fucking bad last night, I couldn't sleep. Or even think straight. I thought I was having a heart attack.
I quickly woke up Dave to get me an aspirin. I chewed it and it helped.
But afterwards I was sore for hours, while I watched Dave snoring away, like an animal, next to me.
I still am looking for a good heart doctor, and one that takes my shitty insurance.
Not an easy thing to do.

The search continues.

Oh on a quick note- My kiddie pool decided to become a flying saucer, and flew away into the sky and then into the street!!!
We then had to kill it and put it out of it's misery.
If you hear of any UFO sightings- it might have been my kiddie pool.

The way my sister told my mom " Hey Mom, guess what was NOT on the patio."
My answered "What?"
My sister replied "The kiddie pool. Guess what's in the middle of the street! THE KIDDIE POOL!"

Too fucking funny!!!!

Kisses my beautiful Bitches!!!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I just got a call...from the grave.



Yeah! You are as surprised as I am. I didn't know they had cellphones in heaven...or hell, either!!
Let me explain-
It's my creep out moment of the day.

I was in the bath, when I notice my cellphone going off.
The name "Victor Hugo" was listed with no number- calling me.
I rejected the call because I reject any number I don't know.
Plus this wasn't a number, this was a name, of someone I have never met before.
My phone never shows the name, unless I have it listed as a contact of mine.

When I got out of the tub, I checked my phone, no voicemail, no nothing.
It wasn't even listed in my call log!!! It was like it never happened!
I look up the name, and come to find out Victor Hugo is a dead author.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Creepy right?

I told my mom what happened, and added "I had no idea the dead could make phone calls!"
"Maybe he was calling to tell me to finish my fucking book already!"
Who knows, right?

I know I'm always apologizing for not blogging enough lately, but I have very good reasons for that.
Number one reason- I am doing both night and day shifts with my kids. No naps, no breaks, no nothing.
Why, you ask?
Because David And I are having a trial separation right now.
He is living elsewhere right now. While I take care of the household, the doctors appointments, the shopping, and the kids.

A quick note- Dave and I have been having problems for years. I'm sure he won't agree with this statement. But I've felt this way for a long time.
I mentioned I was very unhappy. He asked if I wanted a divorce. I told him I didn't know.
He left the next day. That was his decision.

This is a difficult time for me right now. I feel every emotion at once.
I've known him for almost half my life. It's a big adjustment, for me and the kids, but I'm sure we will be okay.
I don't think they've noticed yet, but I worry for when they do.

I don't know what the next step will be, or what tomorrow will bring. I'm just taking one day at a time.

Kisses Bitches.
Thanks for listening to mah stories.

Monday, June 6, 2011

I put a curse on both your houses!


Today was hell!
I've been crying non stop for two days now like a little bitch!
Last week I found out Vivi and Lee have asthma and might both be diabetic. I also found out that a nodule on my daughters neck was growing and becoming firm. So the doctor referred us to a pediatric oncologist (cancer doctor). That's where I went today, no thanks to the ambulette that was supposed to take us to her appointment, but instead kicked us out. Dave wanted to kill the driver. Instead I went all...what did Dave call it again? Oh yea. All "old testament" on him and the company's houses. In short, I told them to pray for their souls, and that if anything happens to my daughter, their names are the first I'll mention to god at the gate to punish. I had them shitting themselves. Yeah I went all Gypsy fucking queen on their ass. Fucking put a curse on all their houses. I'm nice to a point, you have to remember, I am bipolar and nothing is as sweet as revenge.
The oncologist recommended she go for an ultrasound next week, and after we'll decide what step to take next.
We also have to go see an immunologist and genetic specialist. The doctors felt that something is very wrong, My kids and I should not being this sick all the time and they ACTUALLY want to get to the bottom of it!
Hallelujah!!!!!
Finally!!!!
It only took, what? TWO FUCKING YEARS! And my whole fucking lifetime!
Let's hope they find out what's really wrong, and how we can treat it and finally get better! Healthier!
If only a doctor had spent more than five minutes with us!
These doctors were great, the nurses were too. It was so kid friendly there. I saw babies getting treated for cancer, while watching their favorite shows. There was also a clown, who gave Violet stickers. Violet also punched Dora the explorer in the face, but that's part isn't a big deal;)
Dora is okay, she's plastic!
We did hurt her feelings though.

So let's play catch up shall we-
Lee and Vi- sick sick sick
My dad- prostate cancer
Me- sick sick sick
Dave- sick and won't go to the doctor.
Kayla- still lightheaded
My mom- depressed

Ain't life GRAND?!

Kisses Bitches!
Don't be a fucker and make me put a curse on your house too;)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Bitching



That's what I've been doing all day.
Bitchin'.
Since 6 a.m.
I hardly got any sleep last night, Dave was snoring up a storm.
Levi woke me up this morning and then it was straight to cleaning. Oh fucking joy!
I tried to take a short nap in the morning since my mom and my sister were watching Lee.
Bad move on my part. Dave was right next to me taking turns between snoring and talking in his sleep about a fucking ice cream truck!
I was staring at the fucking ceiling, thinking "Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!"
I got up to get ready to go to Lee's school.
And yes it is a process, I put on make-up everyday, bathe, put together an outfit.
It's a thing. My thing. I don't take forever to get ready or anything, but I like feeling confident in my appearance everyday. That's the way I am.
I might be broke, but it doesn't mean I can't look put together.
Whatever- getting off topic, sorry.
So while I'm riding on Lee's bus to school I get a text from Dave saying
"Don't be alarmed, but my hand is swollen, I have a rash on my arm, I have a headache. I took benadryl."
JESUS!!!!
I wasn't worried. I have allergic reactions just about every fucking day, take meds- get through it. No biggie. Seriously!
He slept the WHOLE morning and then went right back to sleep after taking benadryl.
DAMMIT!
I wanted him to put together the charcoal grill we bought for the patio and put away the clean clothes, that I washed earlier.
I'm not asking a whole lot here.
So I get home, and find him passed out in bed. I wake him up "Hello! Remember me?! A therapist is coming. You wanna greet the world already?!"
He fell back to sleep.
Now I'm pissed.
I yell "Get up! Either you get up or you Don't!"
His response- "Do you mean you're gonna kill me?"
My response- "If I have to, so be it!"
I'm kidding of course. But I was ticked off.
"I have an allergic reaction every fucking day, you're not dead! I'm over it, can you get over it already???!!!!"

See, I never ever said I wasn't a bitch. I am a fantastic bitch. I'm so fucking talented and fucking gifted at being a bitch, it's fucking ridiculous!
I should make a school for fucking bitches to LEARN how to be a better, more efficient fucking BITCH!

Whoa. Ok, Got the point yet?!

Dave did eventually wake up.
Our conversation in the kitchen, while I'm cooking dinner-
"You are the only straight man I know, that can't cook steak! But you can make a killer flan! Are you fucking gay?!"
His answer "um, no. DUH!"

Later on, after dinner-
"I was telling the therapist I was bitching at you all day."
Dave then looked at me, and right then I knew he thought I was going to apologize.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Boy was he wrong!
"Oh yea, I'm just stating fact. Don't worry, I'm not actually apologizing."
He then said "Oh wow, because I was about to get all dizzy, woozy and that the world had gone wrong, but then you brought it back and made everything normal again."
He knows me.
I do apologize, when I'm wrong. But I'm not wrong today! So no fucking apologies!

That's my bitching for today bitches!!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Be proud you're a raging bitch! I AM!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I must apologize!

I'm so sorry I've been so super lazy about blogging lately.I totally SUCK!
Please forgive me!!! Pretty please!!!

Okay, enough begging.

I've had a very hectic few days.
-A Mets game (Thanks Cindy and Mireya for the tickets and for taking me with you!!! You ROCK!)
-Drinking- I love you Tequila!!! And I hate you...just a little bit.
- And my bestfriend's kid's (J's) birthday party.

Yeah. A lot, right?!
Last night we went to J's b-day party. It WAS AWESOME!!!
My kids went nuts! But they were afraid of all the bouncing equipment and slides and such. So they just ran back and forth like mad.
My friends got to see how hyperactive my kids are. They all kept saying "Wow! Vivi is FAST!!!!"
Yeah! That's why I'm tried all the time!!!
The night prior to the party, I was up all night. Very manic. My thoughts were racing, I couldn't sleep, and my heart felt like it was going to explode!
I thought I was having a fucking heart attack.
*for those of you that don't know my health history-
I have very severe thyroid problems that, the doctors have told me, CAN cause a heart attack, even at this young an age.
I took an aspirin and within thirty minutes felt my heart finally slow down and I was able to sleep. This was of course at 5 a.m!
Dave almost didn't let me go to the birthday party, afraid I'd die at a fucking kids party!
Sorry, I find this hilarious. Just the thought of dying at a kids party, surrounded by kids just running circles around me.
I have a very sick twisted sense of humor. I apologize in advance.

The Mets game was actually kind of fun. Except for the freakin' hicks and jocks I was surrounding by, they pointed and laughed at me because of my hair.
Like, really?! How fucking stupid are you?!
These are also the same people that think the clitoris is make believe.

Anywhoo- You would think my kids would have passed out cold after the birthday party, but nooooooooo not my kids. They were up for hours afterwards.
Oh lucky me.
I was ready to curl up and die, but my kids were still jumping and running around.

I'm gonna try  to write more blogs more often, because it's not like I ever run out of things to blog about. EVER!!!
In fact there's, always way too much to blog about, that I have a hard time writing about just one thing that happened.

Kisses Bitches!!!
Rock out with your cock out!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

More things about marriage everyone should know

I've learned that across the board- men keep women from sleeping.
How you ask?
Let me tell you.

Every single night whether it be 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. if my husband sees that I have opened my eyes even a smidgen he'll start yapping his mouth away at every single thought that been going through his mind the past five minutes, or the past five years!
And there's no way to stop this yap train! Because I'm in bed and really exhausted from a full days work with my kids and family. He knows I cannot run, or even get my fat ass up out of the bed- to get away from the yap attack, to get some much needed sleep!

I asked some of my girlfriends about this, and their husbands do the EXACT same thing!!!

See the stereotype is ALL WRONG!!!! It's not the woman that yaps away the day and night- it's the MAN!!!

Dave tried to do that this morning- no I wasn't trying to go to sleep but I was tired and watching Levi play, while TRYING to stay awake and alert.
He starts showing me the things he's learned on the Internet and everything else on his mind, including his to-do list for the day.
I felt like my mind was being flung out the window.
I finally yelled "STOP!!!! You are sucking the life out of me!!!"
He looked shocked.
Of course, I realized I just MIGHT have been a tad too harsh and of course apologized.
He knew I was kidding...kinda.
But he saw my apology as a chance to continue talking...which was a no-no.
I FORCED him to go get some rest, in the bedroom. While I stayed in the living room watching Levi.

Oy Vey!
Hey- to all the guys out there!!!! Stop your yapping when you see we are exhausted.
We might just end up smacking you in the back of your head!

Kisses Bitches!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

More things about marriage people never told me

Today I felt like shitty shit fuck.
I didn't sleep at all last night, due to chest pains.
Fun times.

This morning my mom and Kayla were watching my kids and I went to lay down.
Dave decided to join me.
Oh boy!
I guess his coffee kicked in at that exact moment, because he wouldn't shut up.
He LOVES smack talking...and I was getting annoyed.
He kept trying to stick his finger in my mouth, which I found disgusting, so of course he wanted to do that even more!
I screamed at him "LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TOUCHING ME!!!! STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED!!! SHUT UP!! NO TOUCHIE!!!"

He then replied,"Yeah, those were your wedding vows". I agreed!
He told me "Hey, you married this!!! (pointing to himself)
I answered "Begrudgingly!!!".
He said "Our imaginary wedding invitations should have said- You are cordially invited to witness David drag Miss Beana down the aisle by her hair. Wear sneakers in case the bride tries to make a run for it!"
after I laughed and agreed-

I told him to shut up. Leave me alone! Don't touch me! And stay on his side of the bed!!!


These are just some of the things people never told me about marriage.


Kisses Bitches!

Monday, April 25, 2011

A lil ranting...

While in the mall, I heard several annoying little blonde brats asking their boyfriends if they should color their hair dark. Their boyfriends eyes connected with mine, and we both rolled 'em. Argh, seriously girls? How annoying can you be? You take them clothing shopping with you and then you ask them questions they obviously don't give a shit about. And this is why I find you fucking obnoxious.

Kisses bitches!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Quickie

A quickie- no, not sex sadly. Ha ha.
Just a quick update:
My dad is on a long list of people getting laid off this year. When? We have no clue! But It's gonna happen. I'm urging him to take early retirement- but he's very stubborn.
Oh and he broke his friend's nose, in a fight, with his head! Totally broke it! And now his friend needs surgery!  Now we have to pay his medical bills. Oh BOY!
His boss is sending him for anger management, hilarious but a bit too late in my opinion.
So things have been mighty stressful here in "Camp crazy nut house" ( meaning my home). My kids have been on vacation this week, and I've never missed school more! I've been having mini nervous breakdowns during the week. Plus both my kids have been abusing me AND loving me. Is this what they mean by tough love????
"I love you! I hate you! No, I love you!" Make up your minds!!!!
I'm thinking of cutting my hair short again, just to spite my son. So that he can't rip out chunks of my hair anymore!!! "Owwwwie" My scalp is on fire!
I'm so slept deprived, Dave said I was crabby (so was he obviously- from lack of sleep), while I had a wet pee pee diaper in my hand. BAD IDEA! I was about to throw it away, but I had a WAY better idea- instead I threw it (the CLOSED pee pee diaper) at his face! We both laughed!!! And then tried to hit each other with the dirty diaper!

Yeah, that's lack of sleep for you. These are the ways we take out our aggression on each other.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Short little story

My sis reminded me, that a long time ago, I had a T-shirt that read "I did Britney Spears Three times" ( I got this shirt from the "reject box" on the street).
I was in the Halloween store, wearing the t-short of course, when a guy asked me "So, how was she in bed?" My very manic reply "I had to teach her EVERYTHING". With a wink of course.
I'm sorry Britney- I don't mean to tarnish your reputation in any way. I only wish I did you three times. I only wish :'(


Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nervous Breakdown here I come!



Don't worry this will be like number 500 for nervous breakdowns.
A lot is happening right now.
- both my kids might have a chronic disease, affecting their lungs and health for the rest of their lives- due to our old mold infested apartment.
- my mom's last day of work is at the end of the month.
- my dad's losing his mind- a little more every single day. Plus there's a chance he might have prostate cancer. We're waiting to hear the results from his doctor.
-I found out I have an auto-immune disease, which is probably Lupus.
(Sounds like a Dr. House joke, right? "It's not LUPUS!" But actually it seems it is).
My hair has started falling out again. And no, coloring it, didn't make a difference. This would've happened regardless. My scalp hurts so badly. And Dave keeps asking to buzz my hair off again. I think he's buzzer happy! Seriously! He just buzzed his own hair off, and now he's after mine.
Not that I have anything against buzzing my hair- I've gonna completely bald once every year for the past SEVEN years. There's noting I haven't done to my hair, or pretty much in my life, in general. Hahahahaha!
-Plus we have money woes a plenty.

Fun times, right?
My friend told me, this means blessings are coming our way.
I truly hope she's right.
I few days ago, I was spiraling, not able to see any light, or silver lining.
I'm still depressed, but I'm able to smile occasionally. Of course my kids always make me laugh.

This past weekend was misery.
Violet was so hyper and violent. Not a good combination at all.
Now she's sick with fever, and not really eating.
Lee had fever too, but he's eating a little.
I feel like crap and really really exhausted all the time, even though Dave's given me lots of time to rest.
It's frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I'm actually happy, my mom is gonna stop working. Despite our money woes.
I know she'll finally be happy, and not miserable going to work anymore.
All I want is my family to be happy and healthy-
both things seem very hard to come by lately.

Plus I worry, I don't want to end up back at the food pantry and soup kitchens.
That was serious hardship, especially with my kids.
There's nothing more, you want as a parent, but to be able to have a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table to eat.
Both of which, I wasn't able to provide, not more than a year ago.
Our lives changed once we left that miserable, evil apartment.
I still have nightmares about our old place.
It was seriously like the movie 1408!
Did you know that a week after we left- there was a flood!!! Coming from my apartment!!! Even though NO ONE WAS THERE!
Yeah- totally fucking creepy.
I'm so glad we left.
I just don't want to go back to living that nightmare again.
I really don't like my neighborhood. The people in it are ignorant, homophobic and racist!
Yeah- a horrible combo!
Just really ignorant people.
I never thought I'd miss the egocentric manhattanites I was brought up with.
Even if a fabulous drag queen walked down the block, no one would even glance- or stare, or laugh.
Here- they hate anything even remotely different from them.
I can't seem to talk to anyone, even my neighbors.
They are all seriously messed up in the head.
I've heard lots of anti-Semitic things said by my neighbors, against Jews.
Did I ever mention, I AM JEWISH?
And my kids are Latin-Jews?
I don't want them growing up around so much hatred. This is where bullies come from, I'm sure of it.
And in Brooklyn, of all places??? I'm in fucking hicksville!!!
Plus, I'm bisexual. I was going to marry a women, a long time ago.
I'm sure that would've caused quite a stir in the shitty fucking neighborhood.
Yes, the houses are nice, and it's pretty residential, but the people make the neighborhood.
and they make it ugly.

Sorry, now I'm just ranting.
My point was- a lot is going on right now in my life.
I don't handle stress well at all.
I'm trying really hard though.

I promise I'm gonna write the blog I set out to a few days ago (about My Anti-cool revolution) but I just really wanted to update everyone on how things were going.

I love you guys and gals so much!!!!
Thank you always for being there for me!

As always,
Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Forget tomorrow, Today is where the madness lies

Yesterday was a nightmare, and today ain't looking too good either.
I spoke to a nurse yesterday, I had called the doctor earlier and a nurse called me back instead.
The nurse was one of the dumbest people I've ever spoken to before,
and that's saying A LOT!
A few clips from our ridiculous conversation:
She told me, "There's nothing the doctor can do about the size of my thyroid."

YEAH DUH! I realize he can't do magic! But how do we treat it?
"There's nothing we can do."
Uh seriously?! I called him because he TOLD ME TO CALL if I felt WORSE than before.  And surprise! I do!
Plus I have a few questions for him.
"Well, what are your symptoms?"
I feel out of breath, extremely tired and horrible pain in my joints.
"Have you felt this before?"
Yeah, I've suffered from thyroid problems for over tens years, YES I've experienced this BEFORE!
"Yeah, but have you experienced this before?"
Are you serious?! I just told you YES I HAVE!!
"Well your symptoms have nothing to do with your thyroid."
Uh, I beg to differ. They HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY THYROID!

This went on forever. She's a fucking moron!
I was SO pissed off after the conversation. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Dave had come home early, from taking Violet to the dentist.
I found out she tore the waiting room apart- literally!
Ripped their plants apart, ripped tags off the chairs, jumped off the couches, tantrumed and screamed her head off!!!
So much so that another older patient in a wheelchair was terrified of her, starting screaming trying to roll himself away from her!
YEAH THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!
Dave couldn't handle her anymore and postponed the appointment.

I was upset, obviously at the way Violet reacted and also that she never got to see the dentist.
I've taken Violet by myself to so many doctor appointments, back when we lived in Manhattan. And she was a tyrant then too! But I made sure the doctor got to see her.
And I did it all by myself.

So I was really agitated yesterday.
I finally got a call from my doctor- not the nurse. The very first thing I said to him was
"Never ever ever make me talk to that nurse ever again!"
He seemed confused, and he was in the middle of eating, he asked "why?"
I answered "because I felt like I was being cranked. She's an idiot and really pissed me off."
I gave him examples of our conversation. All he said was "Oh. Okay."
We had a long talk about my thyroid.
He said that even though my blood tests were negative. I have an auto-immune disease.
Which one, he's not sure of.
But it's extremely rare for a female my age, to have such a small, under active thyroid without some type of auto immune disease causing it.
It's also very rare that I should be feeling this horrible on such a high dose of thyroid medication.
I told him, "You don't know me yet, but I promise you, you will see that everything extremely rare- happens to me. I'm a medical oddity, and have been told this many many times by many many doctors."
I asked him, if it's still possible that I have Lupus since I have all the symptoms including hair loss. He said it is possible, even though the tests are negative.

Right now my hair is falling out again, by itself. Levi's grabby hands don't help the matter. Plus I've been bruising really easily. Abnormally easily.
But as I've come to realize, everything about me is abnormal.
Lovely.

The doctor also said that if he ups my medication, I will have a heart attack!
So I'm going in next week, 3 weeks early, for another blood test.
So that I can SHOW HIM PROOF, how low my thyroid is right now.
I mentioned that, we had talked about the possible heart damage my thyroid has caused.
I asked him to recommend a heart doctor, in the same hospital, that he will work together with on my case, since I do have heart problems.

More doctors appointments, more craziness to come.

I felt so stressed yesterday, my back was killing me.
I was about to have a nervous fucking breakdown!!!
Money problems AND health problems galore!!!
I just can't take much more!!!

Just thought I should vent about this before it was purposely erased from my memory.
Levi had fever last night, but I thought it broke because he woke up drenched in sweat!
Well I was wrong, this morning- he woke up yet again with a high fever and the left side of his neck is swollen like a baseball!

I've been calling the doctor, but her office isn't open yet.
So I guess back to the doctor, we go.
And I was really looking forward to going to Lee's school and seeing my mama clan!
I'm exhausted and it's only 9 A.M!!!!

Kisses Bitches!
PLEASE let blessings come my way! I desperately need them!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Yet Another day spent dazed and confused

Let's play catch-up:
Both my kids have several new doctors and new doctor appointments- with specialist that specifically only deal with kids with special needs.
We went for our first visit Thursday- and it was the very best doctors visit we've ever had!!! They were so kind and understanding- they didn't rush us along, for the next patient. We spent THREE HOURS there! Plus they got us transportation to and fro.
AWESOME!
The doctor said that Violet's cyst on her neck might be from her thyroid and it will probably need to be biopsied. But first they will need a sonogram done.
I am not looking forward to this. I'm trying not to think about all the possible outcomes. I don't want to worry myself sick. I'm sick enough already.
My son did get his very first vaccination shot ever that day.
Not several at once, like all the doctors previously had wanted.
One shot- single dose. After that we will be coming back every week, or every other week for the next shot until we are caught up.
Levi did have a bad reaction, I knew it would happen, sadly. He had fever until Monday and has been even crankier than ever before!
I didn't even think it was possible!!!
He's grabbed so many chunks of my hair, I lost count.
And no, wearing a hat or scarf, doesn't make a difference.
My scalp is so sore from all the pulling!
Plus he's been banging his head like there's no tomorrow!
I worry for my son and his precious big ol' head.
I'm FRIED!

My thyroid is really fucking low! My bones hurt so badly. I feel like my body is falling apart.
I spoke to my doctor and he said if I still feel this way by Tuesday, he'll up my thyroid medication, eventhough it's ridiculously high as it is.
I swear I'm some kind of mutant! But without all the cool superhero powers!

Saturday- during the the day, in front of my apartment- a group of stupid teenage boys stopped to purposely point and laugh at me. Because I looked different (faux 80s pink mohawk).
I was shocked!!

Seriously! How ignorant are the people in my neighborhood? They are racist and homophobic! It's a nightmare! I can't stand them! We have nothing in common. I'm basically in hicksville.
In manhattan, no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I never thought I'd think of that as a plus!
But now I miss the city- MY CITY- more than ever before!
I fear for my kids growing up in this stuck up, stupid, ignorant neighborhood.
I was really caught off guard by those idiot boys. I used to get bullied all the time in school, but I was a kid- I mean, young kids are dumb, that's a given. But in adulthood?
It's digusting.
And I know, these dumbass boys will never leave Brooklyn, or even their neighborhood, when they get older. Because I know they'll never really "grow up".
It's pathetic, and strangely satisifying, to know this fact.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with some friends, and had a good time.
I couldn't eat and drink- as much as I would've liked to.
I didn't want to change the good mojo of the dinner, by telling them how physically ill I felt from my thyroid. And that my entire body was throbbing in pain, including my stomach.
I didn't care that I felt so horrible, because the time I got to spend with my friends, was priceless.

Sunday- I took my kids to Toy R' Us.
I took my mom and sister with me too.
It's nice to get my mom out of the house, and get some fresh air.
She has always loved toy shopping since I was a wee little one.
Violet wanted to take the entire store home, and Levi couldn't care less.
In fact he screamed most of the time- wanting to leave the toy store and go home.
Levi was still cranky from the shot he got on Thursday.
Later that night- he ripped out my hair, tore off my glasses which got caught on my nose piercing and almost ripped it out of my nose.
My nose was bleeding, my scalp hurt and I was a MESS! A hot mess!

Monday I went to the city for the ultrasound of my thyroid.
It was done three times! Because all the doctors couldn't believe what they saw.
I was freaked.
Apparently my thyroid is RIDICULOUSLY small. Abnormally small.
Which explains why I feel so sick and tired all the time.
The can't figure out WHY it's so small though.
I might have an auto immune disease that makes my immune system attack my thyroid for years until it becomes too small and very underactive.
Oh fucking joy!
But that's only one possibility.
I haven't heard from my doctor yet, as to what the other possibilities are and what are my options to treat it.
On another note-
My mom was told yesterday that April 29th, at the end of THIS MONTH, will be her very last day of work with the company.
So much is going on right now with my family. I can't wait for things to look up!

On yet another note-
I will be talking about in my upcoming blogs- how ridiculous the things we find appealing in our society actually are.
I'm bringing back an old movement of mine- that I believe deserves a come back- and another look at.
My Anti-Cool Revolution.
Totally worth it. And very ridiculously uncool of me :)

Kisses Bitches,
That's all for now!
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

P.S. Today Violet has her first ever dentist appointment, I hope I don't lose any fingers!!!