Friday, July 30, 2010


YUP-you heard me! But- it's not quite what you think. It's actually very funny.
But before I get to that- just a few words about romance.

I was talking to a friend today and realized how un-romantic I am.
Before marriage there's all this wooing- afterwards- well let's just say a romantic thing for me would be not to get bitch slapped in Walgreen's!

While in Walgreen's Dave, the kids (in the double stroller) and I were waiting on line. I quickly realized while trying to juggle several objects, that we needed a basket, at this same exact moment Dave took one of the items I was holding, I quickly turned back to face him because I forgot to tell him something and WHAM!!! His hand met my face- smack to the face- it was so loud everyone turned around- thinking they just witnessed a wife beater!
I start hysterically laughing!!! Because I knew it was an accident, totally not on purpose!
Dave felt so badly and was apologizing- while I was cracking up- sure my nose hurt, but it was so funny! We were both laughing so hard- then he takes my credit card out to hand to me- out of my bag, not realizing there were several feminine products he was taking out at the same time. How embarassing, right?!
I immediately did a face palm!

So that was a little quick venture outside after dinner to pick up medications and other things from the local Walgreen's.

Where'd the romance go- well it's just a smack away;) Kidding!!! Kidding!!

Kisses Bitches!!!

Why do these things bother me?

Yesterday I was a bit depressed, I didn't have a particular reason, just the usual up and downs of being bipolar.
Plus Dave and Kayla got into an argument last night, which turned into an argument between him and I. I've mention before Dave has "anger issues". He promised me, he'd get help. All was going well until last night, when he blew his top over absolutely nothing.
It took awhile to calm him down but eventually he did. He did apologize to Kayla and I.
I just wish it wouldn't get to that point.

Him and I have been under a lot of stress lately, as well as the rest of the household but this isn't that unusual.

I understand his rage- I used to be filled with it myself. Breaking several things in the house- I had a horrible temper- really bad. But I HAD to calm down after having Violet, for me there wasn't any choice. I don't want my babies growing up witnessing that kind of rage.

Dave is going to get help, I'm glad to say.

I found out last night that a neighbor of mine recently had another baby. She had just had one a year ago and she's much older than I am. This made me really sad. I'm happy for her, but having a miscarriage myself recently and still wanting to have another child, it upset me.
Why do these things bother me?

I didn't sleep well last night, and neither did the kids. Levi was up for a large portion of the night. I finally fell asleep at 6 A.M. this morning and woke up at 8. Between that time I had horrible nightmares about my children. I really hate those kind of dreams.

Violet woke up shaking from a fever- why she has one, I don't know. She and Lee get high fevers at least once a month, and the doctor doesn't know why.

A few months ago, when Dave was in full-on anger mode- he said a very hurtful thing to me in the heat of his anger "If all our kids aren't going to come autistic- maybe we should just stop having them!" I was so upset by that comment and cried for awhile.
These kinds of comments, I know aren't like Dave to say. He's a very kind, loving, caring person- but this rage takes over him.

A couple of days ago he said something that really touched me- " I hope all our kids come out special- because we have some great kids." (something like that)

And it made me so happy- because THAT'S my David!

I feel the same way- I'm not afraid if more of my children are autistic, or even if they are "normal", they are my babies, and I feel very very blessed to have them. They are my life- they are the reason I live. PERIOD. And nothing, no diagnosis could ever change that.

Thanks for listening.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

GRRRR! SO Angry!!!

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up in a horribly bad fucking mood.
And no, it's not PMS.

I haven't been sleeping well for the past few days. Since I'm not taking Geodon anymore- I take benadryl every night- so I can get at least a little sleep AND I have bad allergies- so taking this at least once a day helps me feel better.

I've been out of benadryl for a few days now- so every little movement or sound wakes me up.
I'm tossing and turning all night long. I woke up this morning to a big "BAM" sound- it was Levi in his crib- never a good way to wake up by the way- to a really loud noise!- also my whole body was really itchy. It's totally an allergic reaction to the foods I've been eating. Usually if I take benadryl then I don't get such a reaction. And yes I could make it easier on myself and not eat any milk products- But then I'd eat nothing in the house. We're running a little low on food, and I'm waiting ever so patiently for food stamps to finally kick in.

Food stamps were given 10 days to comply with the court order from Albany. We call them today and they say they have 30 DAYS to comply-which is total and complete bullshit!
So we're going to call Albany today- and try to fix this horrible situation.
I really don't want to have to use all of August's SSI money towards food again, I want it to go towards bills and things the kids need, like diapers and such.

This is so very frustrating.
Yeah so this morning- I was not happy. Plus Dave was up all night, trying to fix the computer.
His email was hacked the other day and we got two viruses on the computer. Whenever something goes wrong with the computer- Dave fixes it- thank goodness- but not without being completely obsessed- for hours on end fixing the problem- in a BAD freakin' mood. He couldn't focus on anything else, but the computer. Plus we have the old game Tetris on our computer and he won't step away from the damn thing. I mean I love Tetris too, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
This food stamps thing- really has me in a knot. I can't wait for this problem to get fixed- so that I don't have to worry about my family starving.

On a good note- Levi face is getting better. I don't think I blogged about what was happening- I was very busy trying to get my baby better.
He got a bug bite over the weekend on his cheek, which very quickly got badly infected. I think he might have been rubbing it, or maybe he was severely allergic to the bite. We're not quite sure. So This whole week, we've been back and forth at the doctor's office, plus medicaid didn't want to cover one of his prescriptions for some unknown freaking reason. I also had to put hot compresses on his cheek several times a day. A couple of days ago, I spent the night crying because I was so worried about my baby- his whole cheek was so swollen- and I felt helpless.
Little did I know I actually was helping, and now his cheek is getting much much better- it's still going to take awhile for it to completely go away- but this is progress.

I've been extra emotional this week. Not in the "poor me" kind of way- but every time I was thanking someone- I'd start to get all teary eyed. It was a little on the sick side- since I HATE crying.
Plus I went into Walgreen's the other day- and maybe all of a sudden I have static electricity powers or something ( remember the t.v. show "Static Shock!") and I was shocking everything I touched!!! Including my sister several times! It was crazy- but very funny at the same time.
All I want to do is eat fried chicken, pizza and chocolate right now- but I have none and that makes me very very sad. I really do love fried chicken- is there anything that's not good deep fried??!

The answer is NO! DUH!

I can't believe you were even trying to come up with an answer! Shame on you!!!!!

Anyways- that's my rant for today.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Oh Lindsay.

I feel bad for Lindsay Lohan- yeah I SAID IT!
This is typical bipolar behavior- ALL of it.
Adderal..for A.D.H.D? Really? She has trouble "focusing?"
I've said this many times- MOST celebrities ARE bipolar.
They keep comparing Lindsay to Robert Downey Jr.- who is for a fact, BIPOLAR.
I miss the days Lindsay was a little girl, full of hope- like in The Parent Trap. I still like that movie- don't judge.
So many people have so much anger towards celebrities and the special treatment they get.
The anger to me- seems a lot more like jealousy. Which is SO SO sad.
They are called celebrities because they are celebrated by the public- and get special treatment from the public.
No one really understands what it's like to be hounded by the paparazzi, like they do.
I feel even though they get paid ungodly amounts of money, and are given special treatment, doesn't make it right for the paparazzi to treat these people like cattle. Shouting out obscene things to them to get a reaction and a good photo.
Lindsay- yes has made a lot of mistakes- I agree totally.
But it's very very easy for celebrities to make these mistakes when they are surrounded by "yes men". That don't tell them it's wrong, or a bad idea to do ________ fill in the blank. I mean all these "yes men" are making money off these celebrities.
And yes, I HAVE to talk about my darling Britney Spears.
I call her my darling- because boy do I feel bad for this girl. Everyone was calling her "crazy" and judging her- it was really sad- then when she made her comeback- all those same motherfuckers were saying how they always believed in her and never doubted her! What fuckers! Truly! Most of Hollywood is two-faced, sad to say.
The same people that want to see you burn and crash, will applaud you when you make a comeback. It's so fucked up!
And truthfully I don't care if you hate Britney because she lip-syncs and shit- she is a great entertainer- and always has been- for that reason. Believe me if everything I did was recorded, and in the papers- you'd all be hating me pretty fucking badly right now- that's for sure.
Sometimes I remember the things I've done, and just lay awake in bed hating myself. The only thing that calms me is knowing, I'm not that person anymore. And I struggle everyday to make sure I never become that selfish monster ever again.
It's hard enough to deal with your mistakes when they're NOT in the paper.
Plus I used to have such a crush on Britney- now I just feel so badly for her. I hope she gets the help she truly needs- and gets better.
I hope Lindsay gets the help she truly needs. Her family is so screwed up- all of her family members are using her- and making money off her misfortunes. It's so scary!
Thank G-d I have always had people helping me get better, and helping me WANT to get better.
Just yesterday I was reading an article on healthy recipes from celebrities for kids- and people's comments had NOTHING to do with the recipes- instead they were calling the celebrities "UGLY" and these horrible names. What's wrong with people?! They have nothing better to do than make other people feel bad about themselves?!
There's so much hatred out there for celebrities- I feel it's just plain wrong.
Famous people- are still PEOPLE- and have feelings. A lot of them are very very insecure- like "regular" people.
I hope Lindsay finds people that will help her get better, instead of using her.
Imagine your family made money off your mistakes? Or that every mistake you made was PUBLIC.
I wish these girls the best and I hope they will get better.

I feel jail won't help Lindsay one bit- did it "help" Paris Hilton??? Or Nicole Richie?

Truthfully it doesn't "wake up" any of these celebrities. The jail gives all of them special treatment anyways. Nothing is going to "wake up" these girls without the right kind of help!
And what they are doing is a call for help- but they're not getting it.

All the "yes men" need to GO! Including their "family". Family should be there to help, love and support you- not push you in the dirt.

When I came clean to my mother about SOME of the things I had done, she cried. To this day, I don't think she'll ever get over it. I remember telling her on the payphone while I was in the crazy ward. I felt nothing as I told her, I didn't even feel bad about it, or feel bad that my mom was crying and was disappointed in me. I was so fucked up during that time. The hospital didn't help me. They just drugged me up to the point I couldn't walk or talk. Yeah, that's how they "fix" you in hospitals.

Dave came to the hospital every day, as did my ex-girlfriend. Both of them I was not "with" at the time- but they still came to my aid- and helped me the best they could. I'd hurt them both really badly- but they were there- helping feed me, and keep me company.
Dave walked there back and forth every single day- 4 miles a day- because he hadn't any transportation money- for several weeks.

These are the kinds of people these celebrities need. People that want to see them get better- and aren't in it for the money or fame.

I wish them well. I think you should too. Otherwise- where did all your humanity go?
Thanks for listening.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Scared Shitless!

Dave and I enjoy scaring our family members in the house. It's just plain fun and HILARIOUS!!

Our targets? Usually my mom, sister and father.

Nothing complicated- just jumping out of the dark and scaring the bejesus out of them, you know, the usual.

So today I saw my dad, lying down on the bed watching T.V. and falling asleep.

I saw this as my chance- I went up to his face and blew in it- nothing happened. I blew in it again and.. BAM! He screamed like a old woman and almost fell off the bed!

I was cracking the fuck up!!! I then asked him if he was okay "You're not gonna die or anything, are you?" I asked. He just rolled his eyes.

Then later on in the day- same thing. He was falling asleep yet again (he LOVES sleeping) while watching T.V. ( not very thrilling shows on T.V. I guess) so I debated in my head- should I? Shouldn't I?

I decided I MUST do this! So again, blew in his face the first time, nothing. The second time- BAM! He screamed again- Then yelled at me "STOP IT! You're killing me!!"

Probably one of the funniest things I've ever heard him say!

It's been a pretty slow day- but scaring him, TWICE- I must be MAGICAL!;)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

"You stepped into the wrong crib, Motherfucker!"

Short story- last night Dave put this doll (photo on right) in Lee's crib. When we put him in his crib last night- he started beating up the doll by swinging it around the crib (he has problems grabbing objects) as best he could. He seemed kind of mad at this doll.
So Dave and I were cracking up- thinking of what he must be thinking-
I said "You're in my crib now, Bitch!"
To which Dave replied "You stepped into the wrong crib, Motherfucker!!!"
Yeah- these are the things that bring Dave and I pleasure, as parents.
Fun times.
Did I mention Dave also called me a "Magical unicorn" last night?!
Yeah- nuff said.
Kisses Bitches! Beware of angry babies!

"No more sexy talk-straight to fucking"

Yes, this is the exact quote used by Dave. It cracked me up, because I totally agreed.
Four play has changed since we had children- it mostly consists of us laughing our asses off at each other. Strange, right?
We are total goofballs and don't really get time together to just be by ourselves, joking around.
Our "sexy talk" consists of..,"Hey all your shirts have turned into crop tops! In the mood yet?!"
And then we just laugh and laugh.
After twelve years together, you'd think there'd be no "spice" left. But luckily there still is. It's just different, then say the first two years we were together. But there's still many surprises left up our sleeves.
Our roles have completely changed around also. I used to be wide awake after after doing the deed and I would want to go out and do things, while he'd want to go sleep. Nowadays, afterwards he's the one who's all energized, and all I want to do is go to sleep!
And of course there's no cuddling, I've told you all that before- I don't do that- that's WAY too girlie for me.
Also we don't call it "making love" anymore- again way too girlie. EWW!
Just the sound of it, makes me cringe.
It's dirty and nasty, the way things are supposed to be! Thank goodness.
Before and afterwards there's lots of laughter- not so much during. But things can get a bit silly.
I think it's important not to take things too seriously and to be able to laugh at just about everything.
Plus we make fun of each other all the time, if I took things too personally, I would spend the day and night crying myself to sleep- again- WAY too girlie. In the twelve years we've known each other, we have learned a lot about each other, but that's never led to things getting "boring".
I thank my bipolar, for that sometimes because you never know what tomorrow will bring, that's for sure.
Plus, if I wasn't such a hyper-sexual person- things could have very well gotten boring.
I mean, I think of sex ALL the time- probably more than the "average" woman, but who knows right?
Dave doesn't even think about it as much as I do. again, he's my wife- remember?
That's my thoughts for today so far.

Hope it made you laugh.

I'd love to know how often- YOU women out there think about sex- everyday, several times a day, every free second (that's me), every other day, every week?? Let me know. I'd love to hear about it!

Kisses to my filthy dirty Bitches out there!!! Get BUSY!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Tits and Ass!

After writing this morning's blog post, I had to go to 125th street for a meeting with CPSE.
Remember- I was low on clean clothes. So I stuffed myself into, a tight pair of shredded jeans and a preppy collared shirt- yeahhhh- not my favorite outfit to say the least.
It was uncomfortable.
I went to catch the uptown train, and ran into a nearly empty train car- only to find out there wasn't any air conditioning!!! So I quickly stepped out and headed to another car- and saw the doors close! The conductor stuck his head out and said- "Hey, is something wrong with that car?" To which I replied, "yeah, it's too hot." I asked if he could please please please open the train door, to which- he looked me up and down- smiled and quickly opened the door!
HELLS FUCKING YES!!! Things are looking my way! This is awesome!
When I got to my stop, I saw the conductor again, and said "Thanks again, have a great day!"
He then replied- "Oh yeaaah sweetheart- you too."
So even in this busted up outfit, I still got moves.
I saw a reflection of myself- and realized the jeans that I stuffed my ass into- made me look like I had ass and hips for days- ya know what I mean?
But instead of being self conscious I decided to work with it and I felt empowered.
On 125th street I had to walk by so many projects and a whole lot gangstas.
I gave them all whiplash as I walked by.
So instead of feeling like a victim, I felt in control. Like I was in charge. It was kind of fun.
The shirt I was wearing wasn't showy at all, but still men looked. It was very perplexing.
The meeting went well. I finally got the services I've been fighting for months for my daughter. Overall it was a good day.
The downtown local train wasn't working, so I had to go uptown- to then transfer and go back downtown. It was confusing. On the way uptown, at 137th street station I saw someone I knew. I don't believe at all in "coincidences"- this was fate. I'd met an awesome jeweler back when I did the block fair a couple of months back. We actually live only two blocks apart from each other- but we met on 137th street!!! It's was crazy!
So we talked all the way back home.
Shout out to my girl, Peta!!! You're awesome!!!
After a day like today- I'm actually loving my body- and feeling very confident in it. I like days like today- where things work out.
My friend wrote a blog about- boobs!- after reading my -boobie blog- and it's so great!!!- check it out-
I, like her, developed boobies- at an early age, age 11 to be exact.
Boobies aren't the only word I use for breasts, there's are jugs, bazoombaas, melons, jugaroos, tittyballs (Dave's fave). I use them all and many many more- because it's funny- that why!
I noticed in fifth grade, boys were looking at me differently. In junior high school it was even worse, because I had ass, hips and boobs- so I was very self conscious of my body and the way people looked at me.
I was always a very sexual person, I mean my first crush was when I was a little kid- on Supergirl ( from the movie- if you don't know this movie than you are a wee-little-baby), in a way I was kind of hyper-sexual, from a very young age. Then add that I was a total and complete flirt- so I was trouble. But I didn't lose my virginity, until I was "of age", that was the one thing I held onto and did everything else- BUT that, until then. I'm actually glad I did, because my mania really kicked in after I had sex for the first time. So if I'd lost it early on- I would've been a mess! Most bipolar are nymphomaniacs- well all the ones I've ever known, including me.
I really admire my friends that wait until they are ready to have sex. I still think that is the very best way to go, and to not rush these things because sex DOES change you in some way shape or form- forever.
There were a few guys, that tried to force me, leading to a few bruises on me AND them- don't worry they didn't succeed.
Plus I was a hot fucking mess in my teenage years- I still to this day hate the way I looked back then. So g-d bless you if you liked me back then, really G-d bless you.
But all that's in the past- and today I felt good about myself. And I'm more confident being nearly thirty years old- than I ever was at 13, 14 years old.
Now I LOVE my tits and ass- and I thank g-d for it.

G-d bless curves everywhere!!! Big and small.

Work your inner Diva- and even if you don't feel confident NOW- you should FAKE it until you do- because there are always people that will find you attractive- no matter what size or shape.
Feel good about yourself- and people will follow. Heck you might even meet Mister or Miss right? Who knows.

Confidence has always caught my eye.

Kisses Bitches!!! And work those tits and ASS!

*beautiful photo of Marilyn Monroe


Yes- Boobies!
It's been a long week. Full of appointments for the kids and it's been kind of hot outside.
So my favorite clothing item of the week- was my built in bra- tank top.
Also I hadn't many other choices due to the loads of laundry that needed to be done ( and had no laundry money to clean it). I had a few tank tops left in my drawer to wear for the week.
Let me start off by saying- Boobs- hypnotize every gender- all sexual orientations-period.
Straight men (obviously), gay men ( love love BIG boobs), gay women (duh!) and even straight women. Think I'm wrong? Really?
The FIRST person to check out a woman is- usually another woman. It's a fact. Women check each other out all the time- sizing one another up and whatnot.
Women will notice if another woman has fake breasts- BEFORE a man does.
It's just the way it works.
So who knew- shelf bra ( built in bra) tank tops- caused such a commotion?
A few days ago, while taking Lee on the train to go to the doctors, he was freaking out from the noise (he's very sensitive to sound) and I was bending down to comfort him while he was in the stroller- I look up and see this older man, just plain old STARING at my boobs. Which was kind of funny- and really really creepy at the same time. I mean, I'm comforting my crying son, have you no shame? Why bother even asking this? I already know the answer.
Then yesterday, when taking my daughter to her weekly sensory gym session, a guy came over to Shannon and I, and said in the most skeezy voice- "HELLLLLLOOOOO Ladies", to which we ignored but later laughed about. There are ALWAYS creepy crazy people around this area of the upper west side for some unknown reason. Then on the way back from the gym, a UPS man- get this- gave my boobs the "thumbs up", I kid you not!
DUDE! REALLY?! I was laughing. It was SO inappropriate but hilarious nonetheless.
I had quite a few looks on the way back, from men AND women. So when I get home, I ask Dave- "Is this not appropriate somehow????" To which he replied- "Uhh, no. It's perfectly fine."
"Because I don't want to look like a whore or anything."
I looked in the mirror- nothing was over-exposed. People just LOOOOOVE boobies.
And yes, I totally believe boobs could rule the damn world- but I'm not a teenager anymore- showing off my boobs, is no longer "fun" to me. And people "oogling" them, as funny as it might be, feels more inappropriate than fun, nowadays.
On another note- you all know Dave has a major caffeine addiction right?
And he's been told to kick the habit. But....I can't let him do this. If he goes for "too long" without coffee or diet soda, he gets cranky- and that's putting it REALLY mild.
It's like he's PMSing several times daily. I told him if he doesn't get on top of this situation- I told him "I just might have to get a syringe, fill it with espresso, and jab it into your freakin' neck!" YEAH- it's THAT bad!!! So wish me luck- that I get through these tough times!
On a good note- we ARE going to get back food stamps! YAY!!! Hopefully soon, the court decision was made in our favor thank G-D!!! I got the notice yesterday. AND I got WIC for both the kiddios yesterday as well. Dave told me things would get better- and I guess he's right.
Violet had a sonogram of her kidneys and bladder the other day- to make sure there's nothing wrong. I won't get the results until I hear from her doctor. Hopefully that'll be soon.
It's been a very busy week! Today I have a meeting with CPSE ( board of ed for preschoolers) to fight for more services for Violet.
And then I get a break from appointments- at least until Monday.

That's my thoughts for the day-

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo of me- from a long long long time ago- taken by the amazingly talented artist and my great friend, Anna Fleshler.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Some things people never ever tell you about marriage

First of all if you are family, or a friend and are one of those people who say "too much information", or "T.M.I."..don't read this blog entry. Nuff said.
There are several things people never told me about marriage. SO MANY.

Not that it would've changed my mind or anything. I was always terrified of marriage. It took Dave three times proposing for me to finally say yes. And it has nothing to do with him, I just never really thought I'd get married. I never like my parents marriage, so I didn't feel it was right for me.

Even on the day of our "wedding" I say this in quotation marks- because it was a rushed wedding in City hall- which takes probably less than one whole minute for the ceremony. Yeah- it's not fun at all. I was terrified on the way there- Dave was yelling at me "You don't want to get Married!?!" And all I said back was "uhh, yeah I want to get married, I'm just scared. It's normal! Deal with it!!!" Yeah- I was a peach- four months pregnant, and nauseous with morning sickness. Fun times!

Anyways- there are things I think all people should know before "taking the plunge". One I'm all about "living in Sin" nothing is wrong with that whatsoever. Having kids, living together all that without a marriage certificate- good for you. As long as you're committed to never leaving each other. No document- should change things. Like the minute that certificate is signed- people change. usually the man in this case- but not always.

Men usually woo the girl, dress nice, smell nice, are polite- you know "courtship"

The women do the same usually. Well it also depends how long you were together before marriage. Dave and I- eight years together before marriage. I thought I knew everything!!! That nothing would change. Bullshit! You don't know shit!

So here's some funny things people don't tell you about marriage.

One- yes, one of you or both of you will most probably get fat. This part you know. Not all of you are okay with this fact but it is a FACT. Weight changes. Period. And you have to be okay with this. Unless you're one of those crazy people that watch every single thing you eat- and WANT to for the rest of your fucking LIFE!

I try to keep to a normal weight, for me- not for him. He tries to fatten me up every chance he gets! What can I say he fucking LOVES fatties! God bless him.

Before him I was into skinny people. But I learned to love the chub. And yes with each and every pregnancy my husband got bigger. Which to me, really isn't a problem- I love him no matter what. That's the truth. Do I want him to be healthy and around for the kids- yes- and that's the only reason he is trying to lose weight.

So what have we learned thus far- not only do women gain weight during pregnancy- SO DO MEN!

You have to be okay with your spouse- not bathing for awhile. Gross? you say? Well- with kids- time for yourself is difficult- I have mastered this. I bathe a lot. My husband- hasn't mastered this so he needs to be reminded- BATHE.

I hate hair, so I still shave, and bathe, and wear make-up and do my hair. But this is for ME, not because he wants me to do this or anything. I've just always been like this ( probably the old lesbian part of me still sticking with me), no marriage certificate is going to change this about me. I like to feel attractive. Plus I think I'm a little O.C.D. about cleanliness.

Don't EVER have kids and get married the same year! It's total and complete chaos! Marriage- needs it's own time adjusting. As well as the first year of having a child. Both together- KABOOM, Muthafucka. Fucking KABOOM!

So don't do it!

People don't tell you how "comfortable" you have to be with your spouse. The changes in appearance, smell, etc.

If they get hurt, and become disabled- will you take care of them forever- now if you're in a new relationship - I bet your answer- is a cutesy- "of course I love him/her no matter what."

But really- you gotta wipe this persons' ass several times a day- if needed. Are you willing?!

If not- Don't get married! And seriously what a fucking horrible evil motherfucker are YOU exactly to not do this for the person you love, you prick?!

No one ever told me- one night I may have to run out to Duane Reade and get my husband adult diapers because he was very ill! This still to this day makes me fucking laugh my ass off. Yes it's stupid crazy shit like this you will be doing for the rest of your life!

Another thing no one fucking told me. If your spouse gets fat enough- and you're doin' it- from behind- they may or may not put their stomach on top of your ass, as a motherfucking shelf! I know- this is fucking crazy right? But to me it's fucking hilarious!!!!

Afterwards I was like, "Motherfucker. Did you just fucking do that?! And think I wouldn't say nothing???!!!"

BTW Dave gave me permission to write about this- before you think- I'm such an assshole for sharing this.

It was just TOO freakin' funny to keep to myself. I really don't care if you think it's gross or whatnot- to me- It's marriage- deal with it. If you can't get out while you still can- plus really you have no sense of humor. And that makes me cry. Now NUT UP G-ddammit!

Also, despite what many people think- men can go longer without sex than most women. I know, weird right? I've tried to threaten my husband with "oh yea- then you ain't getting any!"

To which he replies- "yeah fucking right! you'll break down in five fucking minutes- don't play!" And he's right. What can I say, I don't have hobbies.

This is REAL LIFE. It's not clean, and pretty it's rough, and real and difficult.

But if you stick it out- you get a bestfriend for life- that will always have your back. Who will love you no matter what you look like, smell like, even sound like. This isn't marriage it's a WAR. A never ending war- But there are benefits.

I'm not going to list them all- but you'll find out eventually what they are.

So if you're getting married- ask yourself ARE YOU READY? And If you're not- and you want to continue to work hard, woooing and smelling nice, and looking nice- well G-d bless you, you're a hard fucking worker. If you're not- then get married by all means;)

I hope you know what a fucking blast I had writing this!

Laughing my ass off the whole fucking way!!!!

Plus cursing a lot- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK- always fun. I'm a child, I know.

Kisses bitches! That's my knowledge for today! Peace out!

*a photo I found of the net- I somehow think this fits- plus it's so funny, I don't know why. But it is.

More differences between men and women

Despite the obvious, of course.
I realize when Dave and I are joking around- which is all the time, how different men and women are- and how thankful I am for this. Humor is a big big deal to me- without it there is no point- to ANYTHING.
Especially living such stressful lives like we do- the ability to laugh- is so important.
Dave and I say weird things to each other all the time- like when someone says "what's up?' we think it's funny, to follow it up with "mah dick". I know- we're children- but it's funny you gotta admit.
Also the way we do things-whenever I have a free minute, I usually start straightening up the house, or start preparing dinner, or put the kids toys away, or watch T.V.
When Dave has a free minute- he starts sketching, going on the computer, he does things he enjoys. I usually do this last.
The way we deal with stress is different. For example the first year of both my kids lives- Dave went completely bat shit fucking nuts. Totally insane. Was a rage infected monkey as far as I'm concerned. I just mostly cried, sucked it up and took care of what needed to be done. My kids' therapies, doctor's appointments, cleaning, cooking.
We all tried our best to stay out of Dave's way. Yeah he's totally scary during the first year. I have told him, I'm going to have him sign a contract in blood that this will never ever happen again. But I bet it won't make a difference. That first year is always really fucking tough. No one has any clue- how hard it is.
It's best explained in a line from the movie Men In Black:

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Therefore-Dave never got used to it, each and every time he had a psychotic episode.
I don't know why it even happens. But I wish it didn't.
Another difference. When I was in the hospital, in the eating disorder clinic in New Jersey, my ex-girl, cleaned the entire apartment, and made everything pretty. She even covered the bottom of the sink with this frilly stuff. I came home- and was shocked- I didn't even know they had frilly stuff to cover the sink with?! Not that I would have even done that myself. I'm a girl and all- to a point. I like dresses, fancy dinners, etc. But I'm not really into flowers or jewelry or cuddling. Sometimes I cuddle- like I hug Dave- and I'm like- oh yea this is what it feels like. But no cuddling know. That's just WAY too girlie.
When I went away with my family for vacation, many years ago, and Dave stayed in the apartment alone with my old dog. Well I came back to chaos! He didn't shave, or even clean. He actually had gone completely crazy. Yep- straight up fucking crazy. He ended up playing the horror game Silent Hill, and "to save electricity" didn't turn on any lights or anything- FOR SEVEN DAYS. He got freaked out by the game, and walked around the house- get this- naked and with a knife. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I should have known a long fucking time ago- my man was FUCKING crazy!!!! FOR REAL!
Also sex...I'm not going into details because that's really fucking TACKY.
But it's just so much quicker with a guy and that just really really works for my schedule. Especially with kids. I have NO clue how lesbians with kids ever have time to have sex. EVER.
It's just a way longer process- plus there's a lot of emotions- yada yada yada. And then there's cuddling. And holding each other through the night. YEAH- it's a lot.
I learned I don't like all the holding- and and the cuddling. And I'm not saying anything bad about my ex-girl, one of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She's is an absolutely wonderful, caring, loving person. And I wish her the best in life and that only magical, amazing things happen for her.

But after living together- I with a woman is HARD! There's too much emotions, and feelings and shit. And truthfully- I just can't handle it. Dave always says- I'm way more of a man.
He's my wife after all, he sews, bakes, loves shopping, the list goes on and on.
He says to me. "Who's the man?!" And I answer "I'm the MAN!" and we laugh!
And it's so crazy, because in a female relationship- I'm always the girlie girl, never the butch. I know this is so strange. I never wanted to be a man. I love myself the way I am- female and all. I just don't play the role all too well.
But to Dave I'm perfect, and that's what matters right? I mean, he's psychotic, but he still thinks I'm perfect. That's all I need to know.
Like yesterday- he wasn't cooking the steak the way I like- and he was being stubborn. So I yell out of frustration- "YOU STUPID!"- not "you ARE stupid"- or anything. He knew it was a joke- and to us it's pretty fucking hilarious.
Also the way the house smells is different. When you're with a woman, the house smells nice- like perfume. When you're with a man, it mainly smells of what Dave and I call "Armpit-balls-ass-foot" scent. Yeah, men are stinky- especially after marriage- the constant farting and such. Don't even play like you're not, when you KNOW you are.
I never had to tell my ex-girl, "Go take a shower!" Not ever! But my husband- Multiple times!
But I deal. I just spray the house a lot with nice scents- so I don't go crazy. I have an acute sense of smell, after having my daughter 3 years ago. I can smell Popeye's fried chicken, like 5 blocks away! Yeah- I'm a bit hardcore like that. So smell is really really important to me.

In the end I realize- living with a man is difficult- but living with a woman- even more difficult. At least to me anyways.

And I like- easy. I'm just an easy kinda gal...wait that doesn't sound right. Well you know what I mean, don't you?
Thanks for listening- I hope you had a laugh or a few.
Kisses Bitches!!!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Rant for the day.

So many things to rant about many things.
This weekend was a bit difficult. The miscarriage I suffered last weekend really put my body out of whack. As well as my emotions. Due to that, I wasn't feeling so well this weekend. And I was a bit down as well.
Waiting on food stamps- is killing me. I was going to start eating rice day in and out again so that my family had enough food to eat.
But Violet was running out of food, and Lee was almost out of formula.
I was freaking out. We still have almost two more weeks till the next month's check. And still no word from food stamps. ARGH, the government is so frustrating.
Laundry is stacking up, we are almost out of clothes- and I had to use the laundry money for food. Just another month, right?
It usually isn't THIS bad. I mean we struggle but this was FUCKING horrible. I must go to the food pantry. It's hard going there-not because of my pride or anything- I have NONE when it comes to feeding my kids. NONE.
I just wish I could help the other people that I see there suffering. I feel helpless because I have nothing to offer.
So my room is full of bags with laundry- and I have to get creative when picking out my daughter's outfits to go to school in. Luckily they think we're like fashionistas or something- because my daughter sometimes goes to school in tutus and crazy "fashion forward" clothing. I'm glad they think that and they don't think we're crazy instead.
I thank g-d for my family members that have helped me out this month. My aunt really came through for us this month, as well as my grand-uncle (without him I'd have nothing in the freezer), and I will pay her back, not matter what, with next month's check. Hopefully then we'll have gotten back food stamps, and months and months of retro. Hopefully.
My son's birthday was last week, and I had nothing- no money to buy him a single present. Thank goodness for the dollar store- at least I was able to get some balloons- with my laundry money and a few ingredients for the cake I made him. I wasn't even able to have a small celebration for my little man, like I wanted.
I get asked a lot of times- why is money so tight? Well..we are supporting several people- both my kids have special needs- which usually means "special" more expensive food. Very expensive actually. We also live in the city- and very expensive city- where everything is extremely costly.
I long for the day- where all my bills are paid, we have more than enough food and we have money left over. I don't care about luxury items- I really don't.
That's what gets me so annoyed with rich people. They don't know how good they have it. And the things they waste money on is ridiculous.
All I want to know is that we have the necessities- like toilet paper, tissues, diapers, wipes, the list goes on and on. I haven't bought any "luxury" items in so long. Because I know that money could be used for laundry or food!
When I read the paper, the things that celebrities do with their money is appalling. They could be helping so many people in need!!! I would help fix up so many shelters in the city, and make them safe for children. Most shelters in the city are terrifying. Sometimes not any better then being out on the street!
I'd also help get better food in the food pantries and make it more accessible for the homeless. There are SO many people in need that could use help.
But most rich people feel that those people are not their problem- and that the poor should "get a job". I hate this sentence- because really they know NOTHING about being really fucking dirt poor, and/or having a mental illness. A large percentage of homeless people have a mental illness- "getting a job" is really not an option. And really- "get a job"?! In this economy right now- even people with a Master's degree are having a difficult time getting a job nowadays.
Listen, even my husband- with a 162 I.Q. ( technically a genius- "regular people" have an I.Q. of about 135) has had a difficult time for years "getting a job".
I dream- not of being a billionaire, though being a millionaire- I could help a lot of people. I dream of days where collectors aren't calling me non-stop and not having to go to the food pantry because food stamps have fucked with me yet again.
Sorry for the long ass rant. But I'm tired and cranky.
Luckily I have my kids here to cheer me up.
I really hope things get better for everyone, all my poor friends out there that are struggling.
I love you all, and can't wait for the day I can help everyone and pay everyone back.
My prayer are with you all. G-d Bless you.
Thanks for listening.

Kisses to all my struggling bitches out there! I feel your pain.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Short funny story

My kids are nuts- outta their freakin' minds- you all know that. Today both Vi and Lee didn't want to take a nap- which can be frustrating both for them and us.
They become destructive- and start throwing things- but FREAK out when we try to put them down for a nap.
So by the time bedtime came around- Vi was screaming- not like horror screams or anything- more like cranky yelling- and Dave said to her..HEY! Do you want a paci?! If you want it, say paci ( as in pacifier)!! And then in her little sweet girl voice- out came- "Si!"
Because she can't say the first part of the word paci- she just said "ci"- but more like the Spanish "Si". It was so darn cute, Dave and I just started cracking up!
This totally made my day.
I've been feeling gross all weekend- but the little sweet things my kids do, definitely cheered me up.

Just wanted to share that sweet story with you guys.

That's my baby! "Si!"

Hope you all had a great weekend-and that it was much much better than mine.

Kisses Bitches!
* photo Dave found on the net. I LOVE crazy funny things kids do. Especially my kids.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Levi's first b-day thus far...

I think I'm a little manic today- and thank g-d for that, because if I wasn't all the things that went wrong today- would've total got me way down.
Everything was going wrong from this morning on. I went to take a shower, and was in the shower- naked and all- and then found out there was no hot water. But it was too late- to wait til the hot water got turned back on, so I took a cold shower- literally.
I hate cold showers- So I shivered and rushed through it. But still had my hopes up for the rest of the day. I used my laundry money ( what very little I had for laundry) to go to the dollar store to buy Levi some balloons and candles, because I don't have any money to buy him any presents or anything. Which is a total bummer. I even went to buy bagels- because we had no bread int he house- and I don't live without bread. period. So I paid with quarters- the upper westsiders- look at me with disgust. But come on! Are poor people supposed to live without bagels ALSO!!!Don't' we go through enough?! We poor people need bagels too, ya know?;)
I got home and started making Levi his gluten free cake. No, he's not on a gluten free diet, but his sister is, and I wanted her to feel included. So I made a two layer gluten free cake, from scratch! But the first batch I had to throw away- because I used a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon by mistake. Which made the batter, really bitter. I felt like an ass! But instead of freaking out, and throwing my hands up in the air. I started again- and this time it came out prefect! I'm happy to say.
I hope the kids enjoy it. I know Dave was LOVING the freshly made icing- licking the spoon and all after it was done.
Though I'm rarely ever manic- a little bit helps. Truly. Numerous other things went wrong today- but I kept my spirits up and the rest of the day went better.
Now I have to make meatballs, my son's favorite meal.
Even though we are so very poor, I hope that he looks back on today- and know his family tried their very best, with what they had, to make it special.
I love you, my baby boy. Happy 1st birthday- and many many many more!

Kisses bitches!!! Remember always give your kids everything- even when you got nothing.
*photo of the cake I made today. I LOVE baking- probably because I LOVE sugar. Most probably;)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Thus far...

No call back for today. It's okay I'm not even a little bit upset.
Levi did so great, this happens all the time. I told Levi "Don't worry baby, you'll get them next time!" with a wink.
And today's Dave and my anniversary- 12 years to the day we met. At a movie premiere for There's Something About Mary. He was 25 years old, I was only 17. He was freaked because he fell for me right away ( yeah that's the way I roll son;) and I was still in High School. The minute he found out that 17 was legal- nothing got in his way. But he was a total gentleman. He was naming our children probably the second month we were dating- he was NUTS! BTW- none of the names made it- he wanted names like- "Coconut" and "Banana"- I should of realized he was a foodie a long long time ago. haha!
He broke up with me at the five month mark-because "it was going to fast". I thought he was so crazy- and at the end of his speech- handed him a candy cane ( that was in my pocket) and walked away. At that moment he realized he WAS crazy- and wanted to be together again.
He broke up with me again, right before prom- I ended up taking my girl, Helene- shout out to you girlie! We had a blast!
Don't worry- I broke up a bunch of times with him, and I fucked up SOOO many times- HELLO I'm bipolar! That's what I do!
But then many years later- here we are married with two kids!
Today he gave me a card ( I hadn't made him anything yet- oops) and it said "I'd marry you again! Love Yo baby Daddy!"
Yep- that's my boo. I think he's NUTS!;)
I wouldn't marry me again, instead I'd live in sin- because that's the way to do it! haha!
Other than that-
I'm a little freaked out, because we are so totally broke this month. Thanks to family, we have some food in the house, but when that runs out, who knows.
We would be okay- if we had food stamps! Fucking food stamps- they are so backed up on court cases because they cut everyone's freaking food stamps! It's such bullshit.
The government is so messed up!
At least then I'd have food money. I wish we'd get an answer already from them, so if they decided to turn us down- we could just apply again. But of course they gotta leave us hanging. Because they owe me several months back- so I'd get retro.
I'm trying not to freak and just stay positive, but it's scary.
I had to use all my SSI money for food, and we're only half-way through the damn month.
Calm down, right? I should just relax.
It's a special day after all- both kids have therapy, I got to cook and clean- the norm, and find sometime to make this day special in some way.

Basically I got to "Nut up or shut up!"
Kisses Bitches- remember live in sin!!!
Love yas!
*photo of Dave and I at Coney Island when I was about 9 months pregnant with Levi

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Today Levi had an audition for Tylenol.
I learned a long long time ago- expect NOTHING from auditions- and you'll always be surprised. When I go now to auditions I have fun, no pressure- no stress.
Levi was really really good and very happy. I was very proud of him.
The minute we walked in a model started baby talking to him and grabbed his foot. Kayla and I were both a bit surprised, but thought nothing of it- women kind of go crazy around little babies- especially the women that WANT little babies of their own.
One of the casting directors wanted me to audition as well, as his mom. I was pleasantly surprised! She insisted and filled out a form for me.
She hurried Levi and my audition, because he was the only baby there.
The studio was so nice. The showbiz families there were a little spooky- but I'm getting used to that more and more.
While waiting for the audition I realized Levi's foot was FULL of glitter!!!
As was his forehead and my hands! We later figured out it was from the model that grabbed his foot- I'd been playing with his feet and tickling him. Dave and I call glitter- glurpes- because it's just like herpes. The minute you walk into a room, with a girl that's wearing glitter- you're covered with glitter even if you never even touched her. Glitter is crazy like that.
So my son was sparkling. We went into the auditioning room, and right away they told me "You're a very young mom!" Meaning I was TOO young to play the mom role! Nuts, right?!
What do I look like??? A teenage mom?!! It's just crazy! I was flattered but more disturbed thinking how young do they think I am???
Thank goodness for video cameras! I love auditions with video cameras!
They had me interact with Levi- which of course was so easy! And he smiled and laughed!!
The director said to me, she saw his photo and thought he was so adorable she had to have him come in for an audition.
It went great. I was so proud of him. And I had lots and lots of fun while doing it!
So I find out tonight if we go to the call back tomorrow. BTW tomorrow is Dave and my 12 year anniversary ( Of the day we met)!!!
It would be a great present for him to get the part!
Oh yeah, and the casting director was really excited to hear I also have a daughter!
So it was a great day after all. Even with the rain.

Wish us luck! It would certainly help this month!
Love ya all!!

kisses bitches! You better WORK!

Eerie Day

Yesterday was surreal.
After a very difficult weekend, I dreaded going to court Monday morning.
I didn't sleep at all. The babies were up almost all night, and I was worried sick, tossing and turning.
You know when you are so very exhausted, and you still have to get up and go somewhere- but your heart is racing, and you feel kinda like you're going to pass out??? Well that was me yesterday before heading out to court.
I geared myself up for it by blasting positive upbeat music while on the way there.
We got there a little early- which was a wonderful feeling, instead of running late. If you know me I HATE being late- but my mom is gifted at this. And has no problem with being late- a total opposite from me.
My social worker met us there, and we talked and waited till the landlord's lawyer came.
It was amazing what lies the landlord was spouting this time.
So we decided to take this case to trial and nail this bastard once and for all.
The trial is set for next month. I'll be praying all month- that G-d will be on our side that day. Or maybe just maybe- the landlord will finally give us a decent offer to get out- and I won't have to go to trial after all. A girl can dream can't she???
I'd been at court for HOURS AND HOURS waiting and waiting for the judge to call our name. I didn't get home until the afternoon.
Yesterday everyone was asking me how I was feeling- because of my miscarriage on the weekend. Truthfully, I was tired- really tired. Physically and emotionally and all I wanted to do was sleep. Which is totally unlike me- I don't EVER sleep during the day- I'm a mom I don't have time for things like that.
Dave is still recovering for the infection, but thankfully he IS finally recovering.
He did me a solid yesterday- because I could barely function I was so exhausted.
He told me to go to bed- in the afternoon, and that he'd take care of everything till the morning!!! Which immediately makes me wonder- what I will have to do in return- nothing is for free after all- especially in a marriage, NOTHING.
I was wondering..was i going to have to do this for him- tomorrow???and the day after???
SO immediately I said- NO! Because that would mean I'd have to work way overtime- even more than usual!
To which of course, he said- he wouldn't ask for anything- which I still don't believe.
I decided to take the offer- and just pay the consequences.
And then headed to bed- I slept for about two hours until my sister woke me up for a phone call.
Turns out my agency was calling me all day- for an audition for Levi. Which is exciting- and nerve-wrecking at the same time. This will be the first audition since my son was diagnosed with delays- so I never know what to expect. But I'm thinking it'll be a story in the end. And probably a funny one at that.
I couldn't fall back to sleep after that. My mom came into the room a couple of times, asking me how I was feeling-and such. And then Dave came in and sat down. He told me how nice it felt to finally sit- to which I looked at him like...uh yeah! I know how that feels. Like everyday!
He had cooked- a really really good dinner- and get this served me in bed!!!!
Now I know I'm gonna have to pay!!
But I didn't care- I ate in bed and we talked alone in the bedroom. Until I heard both my kids screaming their little heads off. I said to Dave, "I think two hours is enough torture for you"
and I went into the living room to see what the problem was.
I love coming into the room and Levi seeing me and totally loosing his shit.
Like "fuck yeah- Mommy's here!!! Thank G-d!!!!!"
You know, something like that.
I put the kids to sleep soon after that, then we watched True Blood and Kevin Hart's new comedy special ( it was SO FUNNY!!!)- Things I'd taped- because I never have the time to watch shows ON TIME.
Both were AWESOME. I love T.V. I really do- it's my only escape.
So that was my day. So before you ask me- How I'm feeling...just know- I am still tired- I will be for awhile. It's a lot for the body to go through. And yes, I'm still a bit down.
But thanks for asking. I do appreciate all your support. And I love you all out there. G-d Bless you.

Kisses my beautiful bitches!
*photo of Violet yawning at a day old

Sunday, July 11, 2010


This has been a horrible weekend, to say the least. But I'm not going to tip-toe around the subject anymore.
I know I mentioned before that Dave had a bad skin infection- Yesterday he was feeling really sick and I was really worried. Also my sister was extremely light-headed all week and I worried about her as well.
I've been in a really bad place this weekend.
I wasn't going to tell anyone- because I was actually afraid of people's reactions- especially my family's. But now I realize- I'm an adult and whatever decisions I make- are my RIGHT to make them- and I don't have to EXPLAIN myself to anyone anymore. Frankly I cannot worry about people's reactions or what they think of me. If I did then I'd still be talking to my dad's side of the family- for which I "don't exist" anymore.
I was pregnant. Yep. Pregnant- no it wasn't on purpose. But I was very happy nonetheless. Of course I was scared, but in the end- I knew this was a baby I wanted not matter what. I LOVE my kids and give them everything I have to offer, I feed them before me, I will clothe them before me, everything I do is for my babies- and I would never have it any other way. They are my life- period. I'm actually a great mom, despite what some people think of me. And being poor- doesn't affect my abilities as a mom. If I waited "till I could afford kids" then I wouldn't have had my two beautiful babies now, would I? And that's a world I would never want to be a part of.
Last week, I started cramping really badly- and I knew what was coming. Yesterday I started miscarrying. I was devastated. Not only from the horrible pain I was in- and still am, but because I really wanted that baby. This will be the third miscarriage for me in 4 years.
And even though I know, that something must've not been right with the baby, for the baby to miscarry, it still upsets me.
The night before I miscarried- I had nightmares that babies were dying. It killed me.
While I was miscarrying- I was so exhausted, so I took a nap despite the pain- the dream I had lifted me up a bit. I dreamt that I was in Disney World ( my favorite place:) with my THREE kids, Violet, Levi and the youngest was one (I think it was a girl, but I'm not sure) in a suite in the beach resort hotel. It was a good dream.
When I woke up- I knew I'd still have a third baby, despite this miscarriage.
I didn't share the news that I was pregnant, because thankfully- I was still in a very early stage of pregnancy. Second, because I was worried what people might think of me- that I was being "irresponsible" or something ridiculous like that.
On Friday I shared the news that I was pregnant with one of my best friends- and they responded- "What are you gonna do?" As if I would abort this baby!
I responded" Have the baby." I would NEVER EVER abort a child of mine. Ever. I just need to state that. Because when I first heard my daughter's heartbeat- at 5 weeks pregnant- I knew I could NEVER ever abort a child. Knowing they ARE alive, so early in pregnancy. They have souls AND a heartbeat.
When I heard my dear friend say this- I was devastated.
Especially the following day, yesterday during the miscarriage. Because I felt people would be "happy" I miscarried. Another thing I think people need to understand is that a miscarriage isn't "a one stage event" it doesn't just happen then it's over- it lasts for a while and goes on- little at a time, not all at once. So light and slow in the beginning- which I think is the most hurtful part- that you have time to convince yourself it's all just part of pregnancy, and everything's gonna be OK. And then comes the part where you realize that all your prayers, and all the small hopes you'd pinned on this baby-to-be are not going to stop the miscarriage. God just won't take it back. So yes, I'm still upset and still in pain.
The only people that shared my grief with me were my sister, my husband and my friends Shannon and Karen. Thanks, Shannon and Karen.
My mom didn't want me sharing this information with everyone. But I'm tired of living my life- for everyone else. This is MY life and my decisions. And if my friends or family members can't deal with that- it's not my problem anymore.
I'm almost thirty years old- enough is enough already.
So I decided to come forward with the truth and what I've been going through.
Thank G-d Dave is getting better, I was sickly worried about him, especially yesterday- when he was really really ill.
I'm holding on to my dream and not the nightmare I had.
I will have this third wonderful child, despite this setback.
This miscarriage showed me how much I love my kids and how much I do want a big family.
Without them, I am truly nothing.
Through my grieving, I see a light ahead and good times.
I have court tomorrow. And yes I AM going despite what's happening at the moment to me.
I don't have time to stress over what may or may not happen. I have things bigger than that going on at the moment. Whatever will be will be.

Just thought you should know.

Normally at this point I'd write "kisses Bitches" but that doesn't seem appropriate right now. So instead I will say this- to everyone who has experienced a miscarriage, I feel your pain. You ARE STRONG and I admire you. Keep on going and good things will come. I send my love to all of you.

Thanks for listening.

BTW- on a much much lighter note- I woke up this morning to my daughter BUTT NAKED in her crib! She'd taken off her Pjs and DIAPER!! And was jumping up and down holding her stuffed Gorilla.
Yeah- That's my beautiful babygirl;)

Friday, July 9, 2010

One of the many differences between men and women

A typical conversation between Dave and I-

A few nights ago, we happened to be talking about weight. I know- what fun?!
Dave is trying to lose weight, not to "look" a certain way- but to be healthy and able to run after the kids without getting tired, you know realistic goals.
Because for me- I LOVE my fatties! Yessir! I say this very lovingly. For me it really does mean more to love. I would just like the fatties I love, in my life, to be full "action" fatties! Run, jump, skip, climb, all of it- without tiring. And YES that is totally possible. It IS possible to be overweight AND fit/healthy. I hate when people assume fat people aren't healthy. Because this is not always true. It all depends on the individual.
So anywhoo- back to the conversation.
We layed in bed- talking- yes husbands and wives do this- sometimes.
He was telling me he has no idea how to eat.
To which I replied:
"Well what helps me- is thinking if I were feeding a baby- like when I was pregnant with my kids- what I'd feed them. It would be nutritious foods, healthy fats, not processed junk." And I went on and on.
To which he said- "Ummm..Hunny. When men want to get healthy- or in shape they don't picture babies they picture things like Rocky and weight lifters, athletes and such."
I said " Oh. That's interesting. Well what would Rocky eat? He wouldn't eat, rice, mayo and pasta sauce? Right?
Then Dave said- "Maybe I should start eating raw eggs!"
Which shocked me- because I find that disgusting and totally extreme. Which in truth- is very like Dave to do things to the EXTREME.
"NO!!!" Are you kidding that's gross! How about you eat things you would feed you children..."
"Again, Hunny- we picture Rocky."
"You want me to put up Rocky photos??"
" hunny. That's a little queer. See that's the difference between men and women- you picture babies to lose weight, we picture Rocky. Ok?"
"Uh- ok. We'll see."

The conversation was actually much longer than this. But funny, nonetheless.
Like I said- just one of the many differences between men and women.

Kisses bitches!

What just happened?

This thought was going through my mind a lot yesterday- it was SO horrible- I couldn't wrap my head around it. Two nights ago, Dave started shivering, and feeling very cold- which immediately made me nervous- because I knew he was getting sick.
First of all- point blank when men get sick- all hell breaks loose- because the world has to stop as does everything else!
Women are WAY different. We HAVE no choice but to work through it- especially if we have kids.
Moms don't get to take a break- or a day off- from doing things like taking the kids to doctor's appointments, or running errands, or feeding, bathing, playing with the children. We are on the go 24/7 no time to even think of being ill.
When Dave started shivering (with no fever)- right away- from almost 12 years of experience with him being sick- I stated- "You NEED to toughen up." Yes I was totally "bigger dicking" him this time- I have no shame. I said " The DAY before I gave birth to Levi, I was contracting ALL day long- Through it all- I went on Violet's school tour, took the Vi to the public pool deep in the park about a mile walk in- and back, went food shopping, ALL this while having serious contractions-WHY? you ask? Because I'm a woman and THAT's What we DO!" So If I can do ALL this while contracting, you can do things with a cold."
Well I said something along the lines of this.
When my kids or Dave is sick- yes I do tend to them, especially my kids. I get them medicine, and food and make sure they have everything they need.
But when you're a parent you NEED to be a superhero. There isn't ANY choice. There is NO time out. Point blank. Don't whine, don't cry-toughen up.
So that very same night- Dave found a cyst. Don't worry, he gotten these since he was young, they are benign. My daughter gets them too.
So long-story short, he performed surgery on himself to try to remove didn't go so well.
Dave has performed surgery on himself many times, he doesn't feel pain the way normal people do- which kills me that when he gets sick with a cold- he's bedridden.
Needless to say he got a skin infection. Don't worry he saw a doctor, and he got medication.
But he doesn't feel too well at the moment.
So yesterday while he was bedridden, I had LOTS of errands to do.
I, myself, am also sick at the moment, along with the kids, with flu-like symptoms.
But the show must go on. We DIDN'T get the food stamps we were counting on ever so badly. But we still really needed food- especially Violet and Levi. So I used the last of my SSI check for some food for mostly the children. Shannon, Violet's ABA therapist went with me. She is my angel. Without her help I think I would've crumbled. She even carried Levi through the whole supermarket and carried the shopping cart while I lugged the stroller and feed Vi at the same time. We were fucking Superheroes!!!
In the morning I also had an SSI appointment on the phone ( yes you CAN do that), but later that day had to send them some paperwork. So I had the interview, the food shopping, Violet's therapy, the cooking, the cleaning, tending to the kids and Dave, then some more food shopping, picking up medications for Dave, going to the post office, and on and on and on. Plus wasn't it FUCK ASS HOT yesterday. Dear Lord!
BTW- I think my kids are going to think their names are "For the love of G-d!!!" and "Dear G-d!!!" and "Mother in Heaven!" because these are the things I've been saying all damn day!!! there were about a million OTHER things that were happening yesterday that made it EVEN worse- but there's no need to write about EVERYTHING.
So...this is where I will leave it.
Women are superheroes. Especially Moms!!!!
And Monday- I have court- yet again. So many worries- I had horrific nightmares last night, pretty much every single fear of mine in one dream.
Maybe this weekend I'll catch a break somehow- and Monday will be miraculous!
I'm praying hard!!!

Kisses to all the Superhero Moms out there!!! Work it, Bitches!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Big Apple Comic Con 2009

This is a photo of my daughter, my son (4 months old and a little hidden in the front seat) and myself, at the 2009 Big Apple ComicCon.
For those of you who don't know what that is- that's where geeks like me dress in our favorite character's costumes and get together at an enormous place filled with video games, comics and all kind of brand new nerd gear. It's such a blast. I've gone to many since my sister brought this wonderful event to my attention. Dave, my sister and I usually go dressed all up in costumes, and this past year's was the first I bought my kids to. They actually had a fantastic time, though my son, Levi slept through most of it.
This photo was taken by a photographer from Yahoo. Just so you know- my daughter rarely ever smiles for cameras- partly due to her being autistic, the other part just being herself.
Since this photo was taken it's been posted on yahoonews, wall street journal, blogs...and this random blog- that I will not give publicity to.
This photo was shown and underneath is probably one of the most stupid commentaries I've ever heard-
Here's exactly what was written- all of it:

"Here we have a mother and her son dressed up in super hero costumes for the “Big Apple Comic-Con.” If you don’t know what that is, well, neither do I, and there is nothing in the WSJ that gives us a clue. And it is probably besides the point anyway. But what is the point? The picture seems to lack any real drama. The costumes seem altogether out of place—notice that no one around them seems to be in costume—and thus direct attention to the one thing that stands out: facial expressions. The mother, whose face is partially veiled by glasses and hair, smiles possessively at her child who in turn stares at the camera with what can only be described as a measure of both skepticism and resignation."
This is so funny!
There are so many corrections that need to be done-
First- that's my daughter, NOT my son- just because she has short hair, doesn't make her a boy- asshole.
Second- he doesn't know what comic con is??? Look it up!!!You have a computer right in front of you!!! What an asshole! (and he's a professor of rhetoric and public culture!!!)
Third- Almost everyone there shows up in costumes- except of course the workers- like security and salespeople. Again- what an idiot!
Fourth- This photo isn't "making a point" or even needs a reason- it's just a sweet photo of my kids and me.
Fifth- My daughter almost never smiles in photos- so really? She has a look of skepticism and resignation??? REALLY?!
Sixth- and funniest of all- I looked at my daughter possessively???? Ah, no dickface- I was looking at my daughter with LOVE, like I always do- and it's probably something you know little to nothing about.
I'm guessing the "writer" has no children...or heart.

This made Dave and I laugh- because it was ridiculous and totally wasn't researched one bit.
Anyways that's my rant of the day.
Happy 4th of July!!

Kisses bitches!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

"Don't put your finger in your brother's asshole!"

I never thought I would have to utter these words- but leave it to my make me say things I never believed I would.
This is a very short story-
I was changing my son's diaper, after he had made a poop. I was wiping his butt, when all of a sudden my daughter comes over to watch- she was intrigued. She's never done this before. And instead of wondering about his pee-pee, she looked at his butthole- and then proceeded to put her finger out- and I noticed it was aimed for his asshole!
To which I immediately shouted "Don't put your finger in your brother's asshole!!!!" And then laughed my ass off!!! She easily got distracted and went to play with something else.
So funny!!!
And before you go screaming at me for not censoring myself around my daughter- all I have to say is parents never ever censored themselves, and always cursed- always.
My sister and I did not curse until my parents said we were "old enough" ( which for me was around fifth grade;) Yeah- I tested boundaries!!!Constantly!
Kids are going to hear curse words everywhere- especially in New York- isn't it better to just teach them- THEY aren't allowed to use these words- than to pretend they don't exist?!
Anyways- that's my short story for the day.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

Never ever put things together with your spouse!

We recently bought a new air conditioner- no, I didn't strike it rich!- I was able to break up the air conditioner up into several small payments- and it was really really necessary.
Our air conditioner in our living room was dying quick- and my son overheats really badly in hot temperatures. The AC is only...25 years old after all. It's had a good run- very good run actually. I had to put it out of it's misery at some point- I figured now was a good time. So we got it the other day- and had to install it ourselves.
Dave was doing this job originally, but I saw he was struggling and he eventually asked me for some assistance.
We had to remove the window originally- because we had no room to remove the huge 25 year old air conditioner. So we were removing the window- until it started to come down on it's own. Oh joy. I saw it coming for Dave's head- and immediately caught it just in the nick of time!
Now let me just say- MEN go absolutely fucking nuts- while assembling things.
I'm serious, some women do as well.
Well this was no exemption for my husband.
When I caught the window- he then looked at me and said exactly this, and I quote "You weren't going to help or anything?!"
Because apparently to his "crazy eyes" I didn't just save him from the window crashing on his fucking head! I was shocked! And looked at him like- ARE you fucking kidding me?!? I just saved you! So at this point I realized- spouses should never put things together...unless they plan on killing each other. Yeah, Dave had completely lost his damn mind at this point. But we weren't even halfway done with the installation process.
Oh dear lord help me- was my thought at this point. I was pretty scared throughout the whole process picturing the new ac falling out the window and killing a few air conditioners along the way (we're in a court yard so no people would have been hurt).
Dave did do an amazing job removing the AC in the end, I'll give him that. And thank goodness he did because I couldn't afford to hire someone to do this horrible job.
When he pulled out the old AC we were shocked. It was SO unbelievably HUGE. SERIOUSLY!
It seems over twenty-five years ago, they put small men inside each enormous air conditioner to blow cold wind into the house.
Yes...I'm exaggerating at this point- but it really was HUGE! They probably could've fit a small man into this enormous hunk of metal!
When all was said and done- I was kind of ticked off. You know...kind of.
Dave later on apologized because he realized his reactions were- INSANE and uncalled for.
When I spoke to a friend of mine the day after- about the event- she concurred. Couples should NEVER put things together- she almost split from her boyfriend the day they decided to do this.
So apparently across the board- it's not a good idea. Guys should assemble ( or girls) with their friends- so they can bite each other's head off- with out any harm to a marriage- just harm to a friendship;)

That's my knowledge I'm sharing for the day.

Happy July 4th weekend. Eat some awesome BBQ for me , well ya?!
mmmmm...charred meat- makes me drool just thinking about it!

Love you all.
Kisses Bitches! Remember my words of wisdom!!!

*photo I found on the net- it's seems very appropriate, don't you think?