Dinosaur Party

Happy 10th birthday, Violet!!!!(she's on the left)
Dinosaur party time! You light up my life everyday and every night. You have taught me, continue to teach me how to grow as a person, to love and be loved.
I will never be able to repay you enough.
I thank you for choosing me as your parent and as your student in life.
I promise to always continue to listen to you and try to understand you in the best way I possibly can and not only be your mom but your advocate in life - to fight for your rights as a human being
You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful soul.
You forever inspire me to be a BETTER mom, sister, daughter, friend, human.
I will forever be thankful for you and to you.

As I always tell you everyday and night-

I love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky.

Happy happy happy birthday my love.

been quiet for awhile

hey guys and gals!
I've been quiet for awhile- sorry about that.
A lot of things have been happening.
My birthday just passed. I turned 30 years old.
Usually, I would think nothing of it-
but for so many years, including this year- I couldn't see beyond the present day.
I never believed I had a future.
I still don't.
I spent a lot of time in crisis mode.
I lived a very fast, hard fucking life- in a short amount of time.
The point I'm getting at is that I never ever believed I'd make it to 30.
Not because my body would kill me (even though it's tried so very hard so many times), but that I would kill myself.
I tried during my stay in hospitals (plural). I not afraid of pain.
I LIVE through pain.
At least I've learned to tolerate it.
Since I feel physical pain all the time now.
Funny since when I was a child I didn't feel physical pain.
Didn't know I'd broken bones until the day afterwards.
I would run into door knobs to see if I could bust the door open with my head.
Yeah- I was a very "special" kind of child.
Didn't feel pain.
Now it seems that's all I do.
I have spent so many years poor, dirt poor, that I don't expect any type of gifts or even cake at this point.
I remember many birthdays miserable- broke and eating rice so that my family could afford to eat food.
I'm used to starving, I've done it for over two thirds of my entire LIFE! And no I do not "enjoy" starving anymore.
I was surprised on my birthday when my parents made a big deal about it.
It was very strange and a welcomed emotion from me.
The day in itself, was similar to every other day- until it came to dessert.
My dad had bought me a birthday cake!
Yes, it was one of the only flavors I dislike (chocolate mousse- eww!), but I didn't let him know.
I don't get moments like these from my dad, so I tried to enjoy this one.
As I was about to blow out the candles-I noticed there was no camera.
No, I'm not constantly posing for the camera-
it's a tradition of ours to take a photo of blowing out the candles every single birthday, like most families.
I asked Dave to get the camera, he seemed to not care.
This angered me a lot.
He knew the tradition, and why this birthday meant something to me, but he seemed too busy eating a burger to pay me any mind.
Needless to say, I blew out my candles without a photo to capture the moment.
I was furious and this sparked a huge argument between Dave and I.
I won't go into details, other than he did share that he's been depressed for many years now.
And can't "feel" happiness.
I starting writing this blog- two days ago-
in the middle of writing this my son starting puking he's guts out.
Everyone had the stomach virus and are still recuperating.
Now I continue this blog- days later- and I'm not feeling the same emotion I was when I was writing the blog.
Today it is Dave's birthday.
And like me, he never ever saw a future for himself.
Yet here we are on his 38th birthday, celebrating (kind of) with our two kids.
I want to make a big deal about it. But he still doesn't feel well- so buying a cake and going out, is out of the question.
And I think he's still depressed.
Plus today I get a call from my landlord that my CRAZY neighbor is complaining she doesn't have heat "because there are too many people here taking showers all day long".
Meanwhile she has five people living there, none of them little babies.
I only have two more people here, and they are both under four years old!
What a fucking crazy person!
Tell I meantion, she came knocking on MY door at 8p.m. a few night ago blaming me for her not having any hot water.
Even though I spend many days with no hot water myself!
Oy Vey!
It's times like these I really wish I had moved to Florida, instead of here.
And had our own house- with no landlord or upstairs neighbors complaining.

I dream of warm weather, our OWN place and no one to answer to.

I dream a dream worth living for.

Kisses Bitches!
I NEED MONEY! The LOTTO would be AWESOME!

Levi's first b-day thus far...

I think I'm a little manic today- and thank g-d for that, because if I wasn't all the things that went wrong today- would've total got me way down.

Everything was going wrong from this morning on. I went to take a shower, and was in the shower- naked and all- and then found out there was no hot water. But it was too late- to wait til the hot water got turned back on, so I took a cold shower- literally.

I hate cold showers- So I shivered and rushed through it. But still had my hopes up for the rest of the day. I used my laundry money ( what very little I had for laundry) to go to the dollar store to buy Levi some balloons and candles, because I don't have any money to buy him any presents or anything. Which is a total bummer. I even went to buy bagels- because we had no bread int he house- and I don't live without bread. period. So I paid with quarters- the upper westsiders- look at me with disgust. But come on! Are poor people supposed to live without bagels ALSO!!!Don't' we go through enough?! We poor people need bagels too, ya know?;)

I got home and started making Levi his gluten free cake. No, he's not on a gluten free diet, but his sister is, and I wanted her to feel included. So I made a two layer gluten free cake, from scratch! But the first batch I had to throw away- because I used a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon by mistake. Which made the batter, really bitter. I felt like an ass! But instead of freaking out, and throwing my hands up in the air. I started again- and this time it came out prefect! I'm happy to say.

I hope the kids enjoy it. I know Dave was LOVING the freshly made icing- licking the spoon and all after it was done.

Though I'm rarely ever manic- a little bit helps. Truly. Numerous other things went wrong today- but I kept my spirits up and the rest of the day went better.

Now I have to make meatballs, my son's favorite meal.

Even though we are so very poor, I hope that he looks back on today- and know his family tried their very best, with what they had, to make it special.

I love you, my baby boy. Happy 1st birthday- and many many many more!

Kisses bitches!!! Remember always give your kids everything- even when you got nothing.

*photo of the cake I made today. I LOVE baking- probably because I LOVE sugar. Most probably;)

B-day party

I've mentioned before I have serious anxiety issues. So all day yesterday I couldn't bring myself to eat because I was so anxious and had butterflies in my stomach.
So finally it was show time. We got to the White Rabbit and it looked even more beautiful than I remembered it. As well as the drinks. I rarely ever drink and I when I do- I drink wine (my favorite alcoholic beverage), so when Dave asked me what I wanted to drink- I had to think about it. What was it that I used to drink??? Vodka and tonic, Rum and diet coke(gross) and of course shots amock. So I went with a really girlie girlie drink- a cosmo. And man it was delicious. I'd had quite a few and total forgot that I hadn't eaten all day. So I'm there with my good friends- thank you to everyone who came- chatting and drinking. Then came the jolly rancher shots- a few of them. When most of my friends left, that's when my wifey came in, Molly with her boy Craig. So we had an after party- party. So then came the limoncello shots and more drinks. After that- I kinda don't remember - I know we ended up in katz deli- and that's where my insides decided to become my outsides. And apparently at that EXACT same time- the same thing happened to Dave while he was in the bathroom.
That's how linked we are- it's really sick.
My girlie and her boy took good care of me and eventually dave took me home.
Later I woke up in my sister's sleep clothes (my sister had apparently dressed me), feeling HORRIBLE. The headache and nausea I could handle- the overwhelming paranioa, anxiety and the horrible chest pains, I couldn't. It wasn't till about 8 AM that I realized I hadn't taken my night medication ( for obviously my bipolar). I was cycling really hard. I was so dehyrated I could barely even cry. It was bad- it was like a flashback to the old days. Where most days were nightmares. I felt terrible and ashamed- because I had drank to the point of not remembering. Dave helped get me through this. I kept apologizing to him, feeling like I ruined his night. We both were really hungover- he had about 15 corona's, a couple of my cosmos and quite a few shots.
After he gave me a couple of aspirins ( for my heart) and my Geodon (One of the best medications for bipolar disorder on the freaking market in my opinion) and a few bottles of water, within 15-20 minutes I felt a whole bunch better. Yup, Geodon works THAT fast. I was together enough to give my son a bath. He had missed me terribly and was crying- until he saw me finally. He was all smiles and blew rasberries on my arm while kicking his chubby feet in the water. He really put me at ease. He's my baby boy- and he's all eyes for me. He always makes me feel special- even while being horribly hungover- I'm still a queen in his eyes.
When the kids went down for a nap that was Dave and my cue to take this time to sleep.
Hours later I was woken up by my mom- who'd had more than enough of my kids by that point. I'm so thankful to my mom and sister- that they took amazing care of my children while we were out.
I woke up feeling tons better- still with a bad headache and nausea- but not cycling anymore. PHEW! And I was finally able to look back on the night positively.
Most of the photos we took last night were blurry- for obvious reasons.
I love you all for celebrating my birthday with me- I'm very lucky to have all of you in my life. Even my cousin and his fabulous girlie came and surprised me.
It's rare that I get anytime with people without being distracted by my wonderful children. I hope to have more days/nights out just with WAY less drinking. Way less. And definitely more eating. Definitely.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*BTW I'm having trouble uploading a photo- so I'll try to upload a photo later.

My b-day

My birthdays for the most part, haven't gone so well in the past.
Now I realize it's not just the events that happened on that day that made it not so great, it was also the fact that around this time of year- every year, for many years, I've been in the middle of a depression. A great depression.
Around February- March and October-November- have always been depression filled months. Doctors in the past have said my depression was seasonal/cyclical. And for some reason always came around the same time each year. Not to say that I wasn't depressed other times in the year- like especially when times are rough.
For my birthday this year, Dave suggested I go out with my sister downtown to pick out on outfit for Friday night's get together with my friends. So that's what I did.
I left the kids with Dave- because he, unlike me, can totally handle both of them alone just fine, and went downtown with my sister. Who was really happy to get some alone time with me.
I went to my favorite wig store, Wig's Plus, on 32nd street between 6th and 7th avenue, and got some hair for my soon to be new weave- courtesy of my mum.
I love that store- like candy to me. I've collected wigs since I was twelve years old. So needless to say I have quite a few. I even used to go to High School in my assortment of wigs. I now use them for modeling instead of daily attire.
The last time I had a weave done was In May- for Mother's day. I go to the ghetto to have it done, because other salons charge a fortune to braid and weave hair.
Which I most definitely can't afford. In the past I've had almost every hairstyle imaginable- dreadlocks (twice), braids (several times), shaved head (over five times), perms, straightening, all kinds of cuts and just about every color known to man- and then some.
I change my look at a drop of the hat. I'm a very impulsive person- thanks to being bipolar. After I bought my hair, I went to a couple of stores looking for an inexpensive, but great looking outfit for Friday.
I ended up in Forever 21, amongst many teenagers. I felt kinda old, but their awesome selection of party wear made up for it.
I wanted almost everything they had- but of course could only afford one or two items. I picked out my outfit- black, white and red- my favorite colors.
Then I went to the hair salon uptown. The woman said she could do my hair right away-a surprise, but a good surprise at that. So I sent Kayla home, with food and the goodies (that we'd gotten) home and got my hair done. I was a lovely four hours of pulling and tugging my hair. I love this place, especially because it's so ghetto.
People were coming in and out trying to sell bootleg clothes and make-up. It was hilarious. My head- two days later, hurts more than it did that very day, from getting my hair done.
I felt- wow this should be a great day- and I should be happy. But it all felt empty.
I felt empty and depressed. It wasn't until I got home and saw my family's reaction that I felt even remotely happy. Seeing my kids and family after being away all day- made me appreciate them more.
During the day- I felt so guilty- being so very selfish. Overwhelming guilt.
And even today- hours before going out to see my friends- I still felt guilt.
Taking time actually stealing time for myself.
I got to get rid of this feeling. I found out that my girlie, Helene, my sister from another mother, is going to be there tonight and I felt like everything was going to be just fine. My peeps were going to be there- and we'd get to chat and dance and eat and drink- for the first time in YEARS.
I'm gonna fake being happy until that's all I feel, happiness and joy.
Fake it till you make it, right?
Sounds like a plan.

Kisses Bitches- see you in a few!!!

My Pre-Birthday Blog

At 5:59 AM tomorrow morning, I will be turning 29 years old. And I'm feeling depressed. Not because I'm getting older- but instead because I get depressed around my birthday just about every year.
I'm fine with getting older- actually I feel fifty-something- not twenty-something.
I've had a LONG life, thus far. And have experienced many things most twenty-something's haven't. I'm not talking kids and marriage either.
By the time I was 25 I had been hospitalized several times- for being manic, for being suicidal, for being severely crippled from multiple eating disorders.
I spent New Years Eve 2003, inside an institution. I will at some point talk about my time in those institutions and the people I met- but now doesn't seem like the time.
I used to have many bipolar friends- I tend to attract them like a magnet. I think Bipolars attract other bipolars- it's probably a law of attraction kinda thing.
I made two very close friends in two separate hospital stays. One, Julia- became my blood sister- also bipolar and had multiple eating disorders. I loved her very much- I even gave her my teddy bear named bunny (yes I used to name stuffed animals- opposite of what they were- it's funnier that way). She had a very abusive boyfriend-who made me very nervous. I stayed in touch with her months after, he had tried to kill her. After she left him I didn't hear from her. I'm assuming she's dead at this point. Being bipolar and in an abusive relationship- don't end well. period.
My other friend, Mike was my best bud during my first hospital stay. Again like me he was bipolars- most patients in institutions are bipolar- as well as other things.
Mike left the hospital before I did- even though he tried to prolong his stay to make me happy. We caused serious chaos in the hospital with the other patients there. It was fun fucking with other crazy patients' minds. One patient, we made believe we did magic. Yeah- that's a whole other story all together.
Mike would constantly be in hospitals- he went from one to the other. He was even BANNED from other hospitals. He would sell his prescriptions instead of taking them.
And then end up seriously depressed and suicidal. Bipolars for the most part- make REALLY bad decisions. REALLY BAD. I haven't heard from Mike in many years. I assume the worst.
One of the main reasons I'm not still friends with my old bipolar buddies- is because they made horrible decisions- and weren't self-aware. Many became strippers- of all kinds. Most bipolars- almost all- are sex addicts, shopaholics,drug addicts, alcoholics.
Every time I went into an institution they tried to make me go to rehab. I argued this because I was addicted to such things only when I was manic. I can go months- even years without a drink. It's not a thing for me now.
I've seen a lot and done a lot in my life so far. It makes me feel like I've been around more years than I actually have.
I didn't go to my ten year H.S. reunion because I feel I have nothing in common with them, I didn't then and I especially don't now.
This is probably why I find it so hard to connect with people. I feel most times like I'm from another planet.
So here I am- turning only 29 years old.
Yesterday sucked, today was horrible and tomorrow ain't looking too hot either.
I'm trying to look forward to seeing my friends on Friday. Going to my favorite chill spot, White Rabbit. But I'm nervous- what if they don't have a good time? What if there's silence? I'm a very anxious person. I worry if my friends will have fun or not. And yes I will be drinking. Before Friday I had some drinks three months ago and before that, one and half years. I proved most doctors wrong. I didn't need rehab like they suggested, and I'm not dead yet.
I went shopping tonight looking for a real slutty-whorish shirt and some high heels to wear for Friday. So for one night I don't feel I look like an exhausted mom of two. But I didn't find anything to my liking. Did find some accessories.
I thought shopping would make me feel better- but it didn't. Nothing did. So i wrote this blog just now- which is just a few out of the millions of blogs I have in my mind and am planning to write. I'm an open book- and most have hated this about me.
But I feel the more open I am about my experiences- maybe just maybe- I can help someone- and stop them from making the same mistakes I have. Or in the very least- let them know they're not alone.
To all my bipolar readers out there- I'm here, willing to talk and listen.


Love you all.
See ya when I turn 29.

My Upcoming B-day

So while I'm waiting for my eviction notice...
I'm thinking I NEED a break. Even though I got nothing- I mean nothing- I wanna go out for my b-day- Feb. 17th. To a place with NO cover charge whatsoever- I hate those places anyways- and go to a place with loud thumping music, seating area, and a dance floor.
I don't care about drinks, food , nothing- just wanna have a good time with friends.
I haven't gone dancing in such a long time, probably in three YEARS!
I do dance at home a lot with my kids and even by myself while listening to kitchy music.
When I have to run out for a quick errand- I take my music with me and borrow Dave's (very nice) headphones. I just focus on the loud music and think of being somewhere else- dancing and having fun.
The first place that comes to mind is -of course- my old hang out spot- White Rabbit-down on Houston street!
I had my 25th b-day party there/engagement party (because that very night Dave proposed to me in front of EVERYONE on Feb. 17th 2006)- and it rocked!
I used to go there several times a week. The Bar owner Jim- was so super cool.
I loved the bartenders there- John, Alex.
I looked the bar up- and I think they're still around- they have a website and everything. Man- I gotta check it out.
Their food was AMAZING- Jim said their burgers could even be described as "crack-like". I've had them and I definitely agree with him.
Plus happy hour there- Freakin' awesome!
And yes- I'll be going there with nothing- but I'll be with the people I love- and forget my worries- and DANCE muthafuckin' DANCE!