Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Good things coming...

I found out recently that Dave's family, my family, is coming to NYC January 15th!!
I'm so excited!!! I love their company!
So many kids all running around laughing and having a good time- bliss!
Last time they stayed about 3 weeks in NYC waiting for Levi to be born.
(One of the many reasons I had a c-section) I know I'm nuts- but I really wanted them being here when Levi was born.
I don't speak to my dad's family at all, I'm basically the black sheep of the family.
So when Violet was born there weren't many people waiting for her and me to come out of the operating room when she was born.
My mom and Kayla were there when I was in labor for a few of the 20 hours of labor I was in. Then they had to go home because my sister was tired.
So when my daughter was born at 2:14 AM- it was just my husband, Violet and I. Until later on that day.
But when Levi was born- wow! It felt great to share the experience.
I was so exhausted my eyes were crossed- I hadn't slept in days. Literally. And I was on morphine drip and plenty of other lovely drugs that didn't work.
I will always be happy when I think of Dave's family- because they were there when most of my family wasn't.
So I'm really looking forward to their arrival!
They're so close and happy- they make me want a big family. But then I wake up from that vision of heaven to my two kids losing their fucking minds and realize- nuh- two's enough for awhile! AMEN!

(Bottom photo is of my daughter when she was born in 2007 and the top photo is of my son born in 2009)

Pain Management...

I've been feeling deathly ill for over two weeks.
Horrible horrible stomach pain. It's crippling me.
I've had this problem since I was a child. I've spent my life in and out of emergency rooms and still no doctor has an answer.
I was reading my horoscope today- ( I highly recommend it- she's almost always right!)
Here's an excerpt from my horoscope for this month:

"During the last week of December you may be working very hard, so protect your health. You may have stomach problems because the lunar eclipse is in Cancer, the sign that rules the tummy. If you feel fluttery, eat gentle foods that are easy on your system and enlist medical help if you feel it is necessary.
This eclipse may bring a health matter out in the open so you can attend to it and soon be on your way. The sooner you take care of it, the faster you'll feel yourself again."

Isn't that nuts!!! Right on the mark.
Let's hope I do get an answer because I'm already eating as bland as can be- and gluten free.

Wish me luck! Why can't there be a doctor like House around here?!!!
Even in the midst of problems- I'm still trying to be positive and know that I'll get my answers soon enough. Right?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Gosh awful freakin day...

Today is one of the worst days ever.
I've been in hell for over 7 days- I've been really ill- migraines, body aches, nauseous, etc.
I think it might be due to the new meds I was trying for my bipolar.
Well now I'm trying to get off of them- and the withdrawl is killing me.
I was expecting a check to come through- so that I could pay my bills that are overdue.
Now it seems that money might not be coming afterall.
So the storage that has my family's belongings in will now be sold- if I don't come up with the money before January 17th.
Plus I owe rent and my cell phone will be cut off.
So again I'm trying to sell my vintage toy and record collection.
My record collection of over 300 records including the beatles, rolling stones the police, joni mitchell, bob dylan, bob marley, etc.
And my toy collection that has taken me years to collect. It kills me selling them for so far below their true value.
I hate dealing with "dealers" instead of collectors- dealers are what I'd imagine the devil's lawyers would be like.
God help me because I need a miracle ASAP!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I think I've finally done it-

I've finally killed my stomach once and for all.
My son and daughter have been sick for a couple of days now.
Then two days ago- I started to feel HORRIBLE. Like DEATH. A painful death.
It's nearing Christmas and all this good food- That I have been and will be cooking I cannot touch!!!
At first I thought I had a virus- but then I figured out- I'd be eating gluten free for almost a month- as suggested by a nutritionist- and two days ago- devoured a cheeseburger- a lush lush cheeseburger- mmmmmm....
And then the next day had a bagel w/ cream cheese for lunch.
Big mistake! I felt so horribly sick. And STILL I had to go out both yesterday and today to go run some errands before Christmas.
Pushing a big ass stroller- while feeling like you have a stomach virus- is just bad news.
But now I know- Gluten free= good. Gluten= BAD!
Don't worry though- this whole time my daughter has still been on a gf diet.
She's feeling a little better- but Levi is really sick with a fever, running nose and stomach pains.
Both my kids- when they are sick- they DON'T eat anything.
Which makes me think of the comedian Louis C.K.
In his stand up act, he mentions trying to feed his children-
and he says "Come on eat g-ddamn it! You have a social security number!!! They know I have you!!!!"
That's what I feel- when they don't eat.
Yup. Just like that.

God bless you all! and have a very happy holidays!!!
As always- I'd love to hear from you
May you have an abundance of health, wealth, love and happiness always!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Bad day

Had a really sucky day today- seems like I've been having those quite often lately.
I've been really stressed out. Being a parent of a "normal" kid- is exhausting- but being a parent of an autistic kid. Regular parents never understand.
I was on the phone with my service coordinator (the one who is in charge of the Violet's therapists schedule and meetings) the other day and she was asking me what was the exact day I spoke to someone- and I couldn't remember. I mention that the reason my memory is FUCKED is because I don't sleep- because Violet doesn't sleep. So I apologized for not remembering. Then she answered back that she sympathizes with me because her son is sick- and is suddenly not sleeping well. And she then told me that she FORGOT what it was like not to sleep- because her son is a good sleeper.
I'm like- first- I'm sorry your son is sick.
Second- ARE YOU kidding me????! Are you seriously gonna tell someone who has yet to have a full night's sleep in more than 3 years (being pregnant wasn't a walk in the park either)- your son is a good sleeper?
My daughter, the light of my life, and also the main reason I have several heart attacks daily. I'm exhausted. I know that she's worth all the energy I have to offer and more. But right now I'm drained. More than drained.
So to all the parents of "regular" kids- shut-up. You don't understand. You will never ever understand- so please for the sake of all the parents of special needs kids- shut up! Don't even think of opening your mouth until something useful and worthwhile comes out. And if you can't think of anything worthwhile to say, go with an old stand by, "Your son ( or daughter) is beautiful". Get in, get out- all is well with the world.
Thank you from all of us to you, in advance.
PEACE out, Bitches! (I mean this most affectionately)
P.S.- If you go with "Your son (or daughter) is beautiful" - MAKE SURE YOU GO WITH THE RIGHT GENDER!
So many assholes have said that Violet "was a beautiful boy". ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Don't even speak!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Brittany Murphy...

I just found out Brittany Murphy passed away at age 32 today from a full cardiac arrest.
I was a fan of hers. She was funny, talented and a great entertainer.
There were "rumors" for years of her being anorexic- which I believe she was and I wish she would've gotten help for.
I understand the effects of anorexia all too well, having almost died from it repeatedly.
I have a bad heart because of my past eating disorders. Which by the way are never ever cured- they are maintained.
Just a month before I got pregnant with Levi- I was in an ambulance because I felt like I was having a heart attack.
Dave has been there with me through a lot of it- trying to help help break through the disorder and see that happiness is not all physical and shallow.
Eating disorders are shallow. There's always a bigger reason- the big one being CONTROL. Feeling your life is out of control- but you can control what goes into your mouth- and how much you weigh.
It's a sad disease and very lonely.
There's way more to life than your BMI or what size jeans you fit into.
Being obsessive in any way about your weight, your size clothes, how many hours you work out- all of it- is a sickness.
Now please don't spout that "But I'm taking care of myself" bullshit. "My body is a temple".
Because taking care of yourself- is more than exercise and low-fat foods.
It's what's going on inside you- your mind and soul. All this- all the outside- is forever changing and means nothing in the long run.
Your body is a case for your soul. It's your soul that needs tending to and love and care. It deserves real attention. Maybe if you paid more attention to your soul- than your size clothing- you'd be a more interesting person.
A person of REAL worth. Of real substance.
Anyways, it's just a thought.
R.I.P. Brittany Murphy- God Bless you and I hope you are at peace.

We tried...

Today we tried to take a decent holiday photo with the family.
That included my mom, dad, sister, husband, daughter, son and me.
It was asking too much.
Need proof?
It was like a comedy sketch. Everytime the camera went off- everyone was doing something different.
Have a laugh- or a few.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!
Sending my best wishes to all!

Friday, December 18, 2009


For those of you that follow my blog- I'm sure you've noticed I've been really depressed. I've been on the same medication for almost 5 years- which is a long time.
And they weren't working like they used to. So I decided to try another.
Which is always a very nerve-racking time. Will I have bad side-effects? Will I be tired and cranky? Will it work?
And no- I'm not afraid to talk about medication because it's the UNmedicated bipolars you have to worry about. They're the scary ones.
Totally not in control of anything, argh, I feel dirty just talking about it.
The filthy buggers. So unmedicated-so dirrrrrrrrrrrrrrty. ICKY ICKY.
I like the bipolars that take their medication and understand their bodies and what bipolar does to them. It doesn't control them- they control IT!
I'm not saying all medication is great for everyone. Each person is different.
It took me over three years to get it right with my doctor, and now I need something different. Three years of getting fat, thin, depressed, manic- Three fucking years of this shit! But in the end it was worth the trouble to find meds that worked.
For those of you that think medication is for the crazies- well I AM a crazy.
A crazy bipolar- and the medication makes me less crazy and more stable.
I'm still fun and wild- but in control of myself the whole time.
I've been around crazies- and let me say this- they're fun and a half- but that's WHILE they're on their meds. When they're off meds- it's nuts- in a bad way- the ups and downs- the cycling- you bipolars know what I mean.
I usually don't try a medication if there's a chance of weight gain.
I've had problems in the past with other medications and spontaneous weight gain.
But this time- I'm daring- I'm on one of those medications. So if I balloon- pardon me- at least I'll be happy.
Happy and fat. Better to be that, than a skinny BITCH!

The new Gluten free diet and my daughter

We started on December 6th. And yes, we made a few mistakes here and there.
But I'm starting to get the hang of it. At least at home- where the Internet is close by and I can check if something is gluten free or not.
I haven't even tried to be casein-free. I do want my daughter to be GFCF eventually.
But one thing at a time.
I came across this AMAZING site- called the GFCF lady.
It's the best gf ( gluten free) site I've ever seen.
First of all, she's brilliant, second- she's fabulous and third- did I say brilliant?
I'm loving this site. SERIOUSLY. Loving it! She's has videos of her son before and after the diet.
So it's been about two weeks- and already I SEE A HUGE difference in Violet.
The video of her son (before the diet)- is SO similar to my daughter. Screaming, running, spinning, yelling, walking on her toes, hands flapping, all of it.
And only TWO weeks into this diet ( that I've worked so hard on) she showed me that she needed her diaper changed by lifting her dress and patting her diaper!!! Then sat on the potty ( that she'd been taking a part and throwing around the house since I bought it months ago). And later on, she pretend played with a small stuffed toy chicken, we have, jumping up and down on her alphabet blocks!!!
For those of you with autistic kids, or who know of autistic kids- you know this is a HUGE deal. It's amazing- I feel like crying I'm so happy.
For the first time- I have seen, what I know, my daughter is capable of.
She's my girl, my princess- no matter how many tantrums she throws daily, nights she stays up screaming, food she ends up throwing, she is my perfect little girl.
And I can finally see that she understands me- and what I'm saying to her.
She's in there- I saw it today- and she's coming out.
This is a momentous day- December 18th, 2009. A day of miracles. Thanks to all her therapists- Molly, Shannon- you know who you are- we LOVE you and all that you do and have done for Violet.
She's listening and learning!!!
And the websites say that you can tell if the kids have a gluten addiction- because they find a way to get their gluten "fix". Some, I heard even eat dirt.
Well today I found my daughter licking a sticker!!! And then tried her brother's bottle- just to get her gluten "fix".
So here's the proof- all the proof I needed to know I'm doing the right thing- no matter how tough, strict or frustrating- it's WORKING.
And I'm a total believer now.
My daughter is worth the trouble- she's worth everything and more.


I never believed before I was married- that being married is totally different than living together. I thought- these people don't know what they're talking about.
Now when I see new couples- and I know who they are- all lovey dovey- it creeps me out. Don't get me wrong I'm affectionate- kinda.
Dave and I used to be friends with a married couple- who were always affectionate- and it creeped both of us out- because it felt so "forced" and "fake". Like they were putting on a show to show us how in love they still were. YUCK!
The "rule" goes like this- don't judge ANYTHING by the first 2 years.
That's the "I can't get enough of you- get over here- I'm gonna maul you" phase.
That could even last a few extras years if you're lucky- and usually if you don't see each other every waking minute.
Then comes the "Why are you here again, DAMMIT?!" and "This? AGAIN?!" so on and so on...
You see where I'm going with this.
When I was a kid- I didn't look forward to marriage, actually I didn't want to get married. My parents' marriage wasn't the one I looked up to.
I, as a rule and as a part of being bipolar, tire of people quickly. REALLY quickly.
Even after a few dates- if it made it to a few.
Dave is my longest relationship- and surprise- I actually look forward to spending time with him, everyday.
Then again we have two kids, one very hyperactive kid, who never sleeps.
So Dave takes night shift and I take day shift.
Which means we rarely spend time together now- He's cranky- I'm cranky- he's tired- I'm tired. We're taking care of everyone but ourselves day in and out.
Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, even harder than being a parent- because that comes naturally.
Marriage- not storming out the door when things go wrong. With being with the same person forever- things WILL go wrong.
Yes we fight, yes we scream. I don't usually quote the show "Everybody loves Raymond" because it was my mom's favorite show- so it was always on in the background. But Marie, the head mother of the family, said one thing that really makes sense to be now- " In a marriage there's room for hate. Yes, hate and even love." Young fresh couples don't get this. But married people certainly do.
If they stay together long enough.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Down, in pain and frustrated...

I just had a few blood tests done today- I have to wait almost 2 weeks for the results.
Hope this gives me some answers.
I'm feeling really bummed. Really detached from the world, my family, my friends.
I'm trying very hard to stay connected somehow. But I'm feeling it's very difficult right now. The holidays are always hard for me and my family.
Financially we're in the hole and stressing for cash. I hate that feeling.
I wish money did grow on trees- and that I had a whole backyard full of them.
I'd not only help my family and friends- but the homeless, people with autism, and the league of hard-of-hearing. Both my parents are hard-of-hearing, for those of you that don't know.
I'm really stressed out- no, actually let me correct that statement- I WAS stressed out- now I feel like I don't even care.
Anyone out there going through something similar?
Let me know. I always like hearing from you.

more to come...
Wish me luck- and money.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Memory loss...

Hardly anyone knows about this- but hopefully more will after this blog has been posted.
I suffered from seizures, multiple seizures over 4 years ago due to the wrong mixing of bipolar medication. Back when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, in 2003 I was put on several medications for over the course of two years- I was a guinea pig- many of which didn't work or had horrible side-effects.
One of those side effects were seizures.
I had seizures as a young child but hadn't had one since. Till about 2005.
One of which took places in an occult store!
The minute I walked into this well known occult store in the east village I got dizzy, then next thing I knew I was on the floor looking at David- who looked back at me terrified. I had no idea why at the time.
Later, Dave explained that I'd started seizing TWO SECONDS after walking in the Wiccan store, and he caught me as I fell to the floor. One of the girls that worked there had a long red dread locked mohawk and piercings (a really tough looking alterna) freaked (OMIGOD! IS SHE OK???)and helped me the best she could. She was actually a really really sweet girl. A couple came into the shop at the exact time I was seizing on the floor and asked the manager, "Oh, is this where the meeting is taking place?"
She was still grinding spices in a mortar and pestle, and whispered, "No, it's still next door."
Nuts, right? But funny nonetheless.
Later that day I had multiple seizures one right after the other while I was in the hospital.
What most people don't know is that I suffered severe memory loss.
I didn't remember a thing- except my family members. I didn't even remember my relationship with Dave, or who he was to me, anything like that. It took a really really long time to recover some of my memories. Dave and I kind of started our relationship from scratch, since I had no memories to go by. I'm still trying to piece things together to this very day. There are gaps in my life I still don't know anything about.
There are times when Dave or my sister will tell me some of the things I used to do when I was full blown manic- and I don't believe it. I mean- I believe they are telling me the truth- but I'm shocked.
After my seizures- my bipolar was different. I became a different person.
My bipolar was easier to manage for a few years after that. My therapist said it was kind of like electroshock therapy in a way.
I became more aware of myself. I wasn't manic like I used to be. Before the seizures, when I was manic - it was like I was taken over by a demon or something. I had no control of myself whatsoever- it was like I was being controlled by something "other".
Now, when I'm manic- my thoughts race, I'm excited, and yes, easily irritated but I don't feel invincible and I definitely don't make the horribly wrong decisions I used while being manic. Not to say I don't make bad decisions- I am still bipolar.
So if you see me in the street- and I don't pay you any mind, it's not because I'm trying to play it cool, or be a snob or anything- it's because you've been erased from my freakin' memory. But feel free to come up to me- and reintroduce yourself- that is if you're awesome and we had good times together- if not- well then BUZZ OFF:)
That being said-
I love you all!

Ciao bitches!
More to come:)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Celiac disease...

I'm starting to think maybe I wasn't misdiagnosed.
I'm starting to think maybe my children have celiac disease as well.
We're going Gluten free anyway- but wow all that it entails- down to the make-up I wear.
Yeah bizarre right? My make-up could have gluten in it and be making me sick.
So strange.
I was watching Dr. Oz Friday- which I never do since I find him annoying.
But he was on right after a show I watch religiously, my fave, Wendy Williams.
She's Hilarious!!! And obsessed with wigs which I can totally relate to. I have a wig collection of easily 50 or more wigs. I've been collecting them since I was 12 years old.
But that's besides the point.
The show was about Celiac disease and all the pain and suffering it can cause- such as migraines, joint pain, stomach pains...which later can even lead to cancer.
It was really eye opening.
I'm going to try to make an emergency appt. with my doc Monday to get some tests done.
I'm doing really badly- health-wise.
I even binged last night- which I'm really not proud of- since it's been over 5 years since that last happened.
I don't know what's going on with me but I'm spiraling and it's frustrating.
The only thing keeping going day to day are my kids.
Thank goodness for my loves.

Just thought I'd keep it real with y'all.

Gluten free diet and depression.

Many years ago- about 9 years ago to be exact, I was misdiagnosed with Celiac disease. For over two years I ate gluten free. I baked and perfected many recipes over these few years. Shortly after, my computer crashed and I lost all of my precious recipes. It was only when I was being hospitalized for my eating disorders that I found out I was misdiagnosed.
I had no idea that I'd ever need my recipes again. Until now.
My daughter had a nutritional evaluation this past week. The nutritionist suggested going gluten free. Which having been on this diet in the past- it is the hardest diet ever! Gluten is in almost everything! She also suggested going casein-free, which makes being gluten free even MORE difficult.
As with every cooking/baking recipe- things need to be tweaked.
Well that especially goes for gluten free recipes, even those found in books and magazines. It's a lot of trial and error.
Besides the diet being difficult to follow it is also the most expensive diet to follow. Which is extremely difficult for us since we're dead broke.
But anything my daughter needs I must find a way to get.
I'm so stressed out right now. My depression is hitting hard and I'm trying to get through for my kids sake, but it's harder than ever.
I know it'll past eventually- but it's hard getting through it. Every day- harder than the last. My family doesn't really understand what I'm going through because they're always used to me being on top of everything and I mean everything.
The shopping, the babies, the cooking, the cleaning, the therapies, the schedule and on and on.
Everyone has a breaking point- I feel I'm past mine.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I'm feeling the crashing side of bipolar. I'm getting depressed.
I'm trying to fight it.
Just thought I'd mention what's up with me right now.

more to come...hopefully better.

I am a medical mystery...

I am a medical mystery apparently.
I have been this since I was a child.
I have an health problems since I was born. The emergency room nearby my house everyone knows me personally. Sad to say.
And I really hate emergency rooms since I've visited them so often in my lifetime.
I've been in pain since before I can remember. I also suffered several times from high fevers as a child. I was absent a lot from school all throughout my school years. Luckily my high grades saved me from being in much trouble due to my absences.
The teachers I had never understood what I was going through mentally, emotionally or physically.
I've gone from doctor to doctor from test to test. All kinds of MRIs and Cat Scans over 15 of them in last ten years. I've been to many neurologists and specialists,
all of whom have no idea what's wrong with me.
And no, it's not from depression- because even when I'm full blown manic and elated, I still suffer from numerous body pains.
Recently I was talking to a friend from High school and found out she and I had similar stories. We both are in constant pain. Whether it be migraines, back pains, stomach pains, body aches, etc.
She mentioned a condition called Fibromyalgia. I started researching it and found that the condition sounded like what I'd been experiencing most of my life.
I looked up the medications that are used for treating it- which are lyrica and cymbalta ( Cymbalta Is an anti-depressant but also is used to treat fibromyalgia pain).
I plan on seeing my doctor A.S.A.P. and talking to her about these medications.
Wish me luck at the doctor- whenever I get to see her.
If you have a similar story please feel free to contact me.

Monday, December 7, 2009


I've had a horrible day on Decemeber 7th.
It started at 9am after a crazy night with the kids. I dragged myself out of bed to go straight to the kitchen to make coffee. My daily elixir of choice.
Violet went to school and Levi was surprisingly in a good mood.
Both didn't sleep that night. It was a night in crazy town, like most nights.
MY daughter NEVER EVER sleeps. Which means Dave and I are ALWAYS tired.
Add in the fact that I have a new baby boy- well you get the picture.
Violet has been absent a lot from school lately due to her numerous health problems.
Besides being autistic, her body over produces yeast, and she's been getting sick all the time. Just last week she had an unexplained high fever for 5 days and stomach pains.
I bring her to the doctor all the time. Most doctors don't know what to do with her, how to treat her, what tests to perform on her, etc.
I talk to her doctor several times a week. I also talk to her teacher whenever she's out from school. My daughter's health comes first, always. School is second.
I found out that day, during my daughter's home therapy that her teacher had made a comment that Violet's been out of school for two months. Which is totally absurd and crazy. From the very beginning of my daughters evaluations and therapies, I've dealt with completely crazy, irrational people. I've learned that most people that deal with "special children" are "special" in some way themselves. But mostly they're just crazy. There are only a handful of therapists that a adore with all my heart and soul. I beleive they are Violet's angels.
I HATE when people say one thing to my face and another behind my back.
It's stupid and childish. I'm so tired. Tired from not sleeping, tired from dealing with crazy people day in and out. I'm tired of New York! Freaking TIRED!
I'm dealing with a lot of shit on my plate.
Today a new speech therapist also started working with Violet at home.
I'm tired of other people- who know absolutely nothing about me- judging my parenting ability. Truthfully I feel I'm a great mom. I'm with my kids all day and all night. I working on every single therapy I'm taught to do with my daughter EVERYDAY.
I'm singing to my son EVERYDAY. Loving them, kissing them- being there for them.
All the time.
So when a teacher, or therapist judges me- it really hurts and upsets me eventhough I know it shouldn't.
I deal with a lot for any mom, let alone a bipolar mom. I always have to be in control of everything, know everyone's schedule, cook dinner every night, make sure we have food in the house for everyone. And oh...did I mention I have to start feeding my daughter a gluten free diet.
I'm tired. Really tired.
Some days are better than others as all bipolars should know.
I try to take one day at a time- because for me it's hard to look too far ahead into the future.
I had written this blog on december 7th but decided to think about it a least for a day before I published it. But I feel it's important to show the ups and downs of my life and how frequently they change due to being bipolar.
I hope in some way my blog will help people understand being bipolar is extremely difficult. Most bipolars I have known are deceased. So it's hard to be positive about being bipolar when I don't know of any success stories of bipolars.
I feel I'm most definitely a success story. I'm still alive. I'm somewhat stable. I have a loving family. I'm a good mom and I have an extremely devoted, supportive, understanding husband.
I hope they're are more successful bipolars out there and if you are one of them- feel free to contact me.
We bipolars need to stick together and support one another.
I hope my blog helps you in some way.
Let me know.

More to come...

Stay tuned.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

My son turns over for the first time- with a little help

I call my son Levi "Shmoo". Don't ask why. When my daughter was born, her nickname was "Potato" and "Monkey toes" because she was so small and round like a potato and had long toes like a monkey. You should know these names are not meant to be insulting in any way- we use them very affectionately. Whenever my son is just chilling, looking around, I say to my hubby, "He's shmooing. No fooling". I would love if I had more videos and photos of my daughter, but as I said in my earlier blogs, she's autistic and VERY hyperactive. So to get her standing still for even a minute is A LOT OF WORK. Most photos just come out a blur because of course she's running. She ALWAYS runs. Runs everywhere. All the time. But hopefully there will be more video and photos of her to come. The other day Levi was shmooing, no fooling and tried to turn over. He even used leverage by holding the side of the floor cushion he was on to turn himself over. I admit I helped him a tiny bit- but he did it!
Hooray. That's one big milestone down at almost 5 months old.
I'm proud of him- he worked very hard.
I'm trying to upload video of it- since my sister recorded the event but I'm having trouble with the site. So sorry this blog is without video but hopefully there will be many videos uploading to my blog in the near future.
Till then enjoy reading:)

Doing some - out of my comfort zone- cooking

Yesterday I cooked Vietnamese pork and noodle soup, made my own broth from scratch and everything. Tonight I made Southern fried catfish and collard greens and my own salad dressing for a zesty salad. I'm feeling more confident about my cooking- this makes me happy- and my belly full!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Mania = self-absorbed prick

I have come to realize just about EVERY single famous person on the planet is bipolar.
Mania is how they have achieved fame. Mania is very interesting. It's different for each person. But one thing across the board manic people feel- is invincible.
Like they're superheroes, they won't take no for an answer and nothing will stop them from achieving what it is they wish to achieve.
Hence most famous people, bipolar people are inherently ASSHOLES.
They feel superior, therefore they are.
But in all actuality Bipolars are obnoxious, self-absorbed pricks.
And yes I have been this, most definitely. I have hurt many many people in my lifetime thus far. And I have a lot of regrets. I wish I'd treated the people that loved me better, because they certainly deserved better.
Most actors ARE self-absorbed. To be a great actor they kind of have to be.
I've seen models come and go. Most models are surprise, surprise, bipolar!
The need for constant attention is quite sickening.

I have been a model for many years now. It is my profession. It is how I made a living.
Do I like models? Not really- actually probably not at all.
The models I DO like are some of the ones I have personally shot.
Besides being a model, I also do photography.
The handful of models I'm still friends with- are way more than mere models ( a very self-absorbed profession) they are great individuals, smart, funny, caring, talented.
I love the crap out of them.
I wonder why a lot of the models I have known wanted to become models.
Was it because they were insanely insecure? Was it just the want for pretty photos of themselves? Are they extremely vain? Because you know almost ALL vain people are extremely insecure.
Some models get LOST in modeling. In the fake world of modeling.
Of everyone telling you how beautiful you look, etc.
In the end it's ALL fake. Even their compliments are fake.
These models become "characters". Which is probably the worst thing I've witnessed.
Whatever REAL person was inside of them quickly dies, never to be seen again.
Most characters act, well...stupid.
They dumb themselves down so people will like them.
This insane ever consuming need to be liked.

Why did I start modeling- well it all started by accident really.
Started with someone asking me to audition for a part in a Disney movie when I was a kid. I was kind of hooked from that point on. My obsession with fashion and movies.
Then came in crazy insecurity and the eating disorders- many that almost killed me repeatedly. I was hospitalized several times, each time swearing I'd get better. But I didn't. It was a really bad downward spiral. In my twenties I got work pretty regularly. Most non-paid gigs at first to really build my portfolio. Plus photographers were very cheap- most still are.
It became my living. I did easily 5 shoots a week.

My bipolar really prevented me from doing well in a 9-5 work setting. I tried, believe me.
I made my boss CRY! And my co-workers quit because they realized after a long conversation with me there was no room "to grow" in the office we were in.
What can I say- I love controversy.

And that's why modeling has always been great for me. One day- one boss- that's it.
Not the same people day in and out. I liked meeting creative people with great ideas.
I liked creating art and being a part of something magical.
Not to say it was always great. I've come across many GWCs (Guy with camera) in my life. Sleazy guys who say they're photographers to get to sleep with models.
I've had really HORRIFYING experiences as a model.
That's why I wonder why people want to model. It's at times- terrible and scary and dangerous.
Most people are naive and think it must be fabulous. But reality is it's not.
In the end, I want to be more than a model, or even a photographer. I want to help people, be involved with charities, be able to donate. Work for causes like Autism awareness, League of Hard-of-Hearing, help the homeless, the list goes on and on.
And I'm not going to help people by being a model, or playing a character.
In the end a photo is just a photo, a model is just a model and character is just a character.
This is nothing of substance. Wouldn't you want to be MORE? In all sense of the word,
just MORE. More than pretty, more than a face, more than a body, but someone of substance, of worth?
I know I wanted to be and am. My family, Dave and my children have changed me.
I don't live a selfish life anymore. I LIVE for my children. I work my ass off every single freakin g-ddamn day for my son and my daughter.
I don't live to be liked. I don't live to be photographed. I don't LIVE to be accepted by society.
I live to be LOVED by my kids. The people that matter most to me in this world of chaos and stupidity.
Because isn't it all just stupid?
At the end of the day, I know my kids have been fed, they have learned, they have laughed, smiled, and have been loved unconditionally by me. And I will never ever stop being MORE. More than a model, more than a face, a body.
I am MORE.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

changing the title of my blog

I'm changing the title of my blog from "work it! love it! live it! flaunt it!" to "The Bipolar Bible".
The old title was fierce, what can I say inside me is a screaming queen itching to get out!
But I feel "The Bipolar Bible" is more a title for my life.

What a difference an outfit change makes...

Today started off pretty lousy. My sister and I have a head cold. A bad one.
Migraines, runny nose, itchy throat- the whole deal. Plus I didn't sleep very well due to my screaming children. There was no coffee in the house- my daily elixir of choice. Violet is still a bit under the weather.
I had to run some errands and was rushing out the door- with yet again my two screaming kids. Both screaming for no other reason than being tired and not wanting to go to sleep.
I didn't have time to put together an outfit or even comb my hair but I did have time to do my make-up. I can do my make-up in less than 2 minutes- which apparently takes less time than doing my hair? I don't know.
By the way can I just say how fabulous Revlon color stay lipstick is? It does stay on forever- which is good and bad- because it takes a LOT to remove it, come bedtime.
I ran out the door in sweats and my motorcycle jacket, frantic and exhausted. Moms in the house- you understand.
I had to rush home because I had an IFSP meeting for Violet ( A meeting with a city official about Violet's therapies, etc.) I was kind of looking forward to it because I like the people I have working on her case, they're my friends.
I didn't want to be talking to them in my sweats, especially since they're always put together so nicely. Always looking sharp.
Lucky for me we had a package waiting for me when I got home. It was some clothes I'd ordered on major sale last week.
I changed promptly into some nice new clothes, fixed my hair.
And poof! Feeling better and happier already.
It's amazing the difference an outfit change can make. You when you feel good in your clothes, you feel more confident and happy.
Anyways- I'm still sick- but looking fabulous- and to a girl- that means a lot.
Especially for a mom of two.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Spare time...

Dave and I rarely have any spare time. But just to give you an idea of what kind of people we are- Dave, with the few spare minutes he had, carved a penis out of a big carrot, just for the hell of it.
Here's a photo.
It's funny.

My 3rd wedding anniversary.

My hubby and I have known each other for 11 years. But we only married 3 years ago on December 1st 2006. I was 4 months pregnant with Violet at the time.
And no that's not the reason why we got married- my daughter was planned as was my son.We'd been engaged off and on for years. He proposed for the final time at my 25th b-day party. It was very special. He was so nervous he had nose bleeds for weeks before the event. He even had a nose bleed that night at the party. So he had to leave the party early. He got down on one knee in front of everyone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that night I had known he was going to propose because my sister had slipped and blabbed it to me weeks before.
It was still very romantic and exciting.
We've had a really hard time financially for a couple of years now. Modeling and photography are on a freelance basis- so some months were great while others were really hard especially while expecting a baby.
For our first two wedding anniversaries we went to McD's. We didn't mind- other things we more important to spend money on than ourselves.
But this year we said NO to McD's and YES- to a real restaurant- one where you don't serve yourself- where they serve you water while you look at a menu!
You know- Big deal places! haha!
We went to a nearby restaurant because my little girl wasn't feeling so great- but good enough for us to go out for a little while to eat.
We went to a Thai/ Japanese restaurant- which was excellent. The food was good as was the company. We were adults- Dave had a bottle of sake- not parents for that little while. My husband stared down a decapitated head of Buddah.
I started a game at the restaurant- What things would you do differently if this were our very first date?
One- we probably wouldn't rush home to see our kids.
Two- we'd probably do something after dinner.
Three- we'd dress nicer.
Four- I wouldn't walk in on him sitting on the toilet, while holding the baby.
The list went on and got really silly.
The fact is we're very comfortable with each other- that there's no need to try to impress anymore. We share the brain- we think the same thoughts. We are the same person- the main difference being- he's a man and I'm a woman.
Then again- he sews, cooks, cleans, likes fashion, the list goes on and on.
I'm more aggressive and blunt- I don't sew, I learned to cook from him, I hate cleaning but I do love baking.
Overall, it was a great anniversary.
Thanks hunny.

More to come...


I'm gonna try to write blogs more often. At least a little note, daily if I can.
So here's my note of the day:
Today my sister and I went out shopping with my kids and a guy asked if the kids were ours or adopted?! I answered "MINE".
He thought we were a lesbian couple!!!
My sister looks 12! She's practically my daughter!
What a creep!

Hey I didn't say my daily blogs were gonna be life changing- just a thought here and there no matter how trival.

More to come-

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Being real poor- not Rich man's poor...

Let me start off by saying it sucks being poor. Now when I say poor- and mean POOR.
Not rich man's poor like Nicholas Cage or any celebrity claiming to be poor. Or poor like my evil grandmother, but poor- so poor I'm several months behind on my bills. My family had to borrow money from my evil grandmother- she works hand in hand with the devil, I'm sure. Now before you go judging me- you have to know something about me. One- I love my family more than anything or anyone. We work like a hive- dependent on one another- my mom, dad, sister, husband and my two young children.
I'm a very loyal person and it takes a lot to get on my bad side. I have two grandmothers- one who has dementia and means the world to me- the other, my father's mother- treats my family like horse sh*t- actually less than. She has never helped us out of the goodness of her heart- because frankly her heart is black and cold. She thinks I live in a fantasy world because she won't ever except her son's (my father) flaws and thinks I'm making things up. My father and I have had a very rough relationship. The details I will not say here- in my blog- but maybe one day in a book I plan to write about my life someday.
She is an evil woman who doesn't do anything just to help- everything she does she expects things in return even from the penny less.
Getting back to what I was talking about earlier- it takes a lot for me to hate someone. But my grandmother falls into that category.
We borrowed money from her so we wouldn't be evicted- yup things are that bad.
We're looking for someone to buy us out of this apartment so we could move somewhere way more affordable- somewhere to call our own- and not be afraid of being evicted from. To be able to keep our heads way above water- which seems impossible at this moment in time.
We borrowed money from her- and I, alone, have to pay her back a large sum of money monthly until the debt is paid.
This sum of money- is way more than I can afford. We have no money for food or our bills. I go to a food pantry to make sure my family can eat.
She claims she is "poor"- yet she has never been behind on a single payment in her entire life and grew up being a socialite. I hate when rich people claim to be poor.
Their idea of poor doesn't include food stamps, going to a food pantry, or governmental disability assistance in mind.
Poor is my life. I work everyday on trying to get out of this horrible, nightmare of a situation- but being poor is a trap- it's like a hamster wheel. A never ending hellish nightmare. Which makes me worry sick, day in and out.
This evil woman would rather my family go hungry and be out on the streets than not be paid back.
But I have to believe that God is just and swift and those that do wrong- will get what they have coming to them.
I'm waiting for that moment. That moment where her delusions of being a good person and mother will come crumbling down- and she will see all the hurt and pain she has caused. She will one day feel remorse and regret. One day and hopefully soon before it's too late.
I pray daily to god to help me better my family's life.
Thank you all for listening and for your understanding.
Love you all.
God bless you.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I went to a new eye doctor two weeks ago. He was in the neighborhood- so figured I'd give him a try. It was a little dinky office, kind of run down. The doctor- was easily 80 years old and smelled like my grandma.
The first thing he asks me about is my tattoos. What are they? When did I get them? You know the usual questions I get asked. While he's testing my eyes- he starts holding and squeezing my hands and asks why I don't want to squeeze back? I was so nervous about f*cking up the eye exam and getting big freakin' coke bottles for glasses- I just laughed it off as silly old man. Then he kisses my hand and says I don't know why but I like doing this.
I'm having a hard time realizing he's hitting on me. A 80 year old eye doctor is hitting on me! He then puts my face in this thing that blows air into your eyes- kind of surprising but not horrible feeling- and says if I don't like the feeling I could kiss him.
I'm like WHA????!- in my head. Again just laughing nervously- not really wanting to hurt a horny old man's feelings. I mean he smelled like my grandma. I love my grandma!!!
Finally the exam is over and I talk for awhile to the woman helping me pick out my new glasses- which would take TWO weeks to be ready. My old glasses were a completely wrong prescription and I was told not to wear my old prescription ever again.
I have horrible eyesight in my left eye- which make my right eye over compensate- which leads to the worse migraines ever!
So long story short- I went to a dirty dirty doctor- who made me feel like taking a shower and cleaning off the dirtiness- waited two weeks with NO glasses- got my glasses today.
Everyone likes them so far except for Violet who tries to rip them off my face every chance she gets.

Today's heart attack...

I have daily heart attacks- mostly due to my daughter- who has no consideration for her own well being and puts her life in danger several times daily.
This time is was my hubby.
We all went to the doc today. Violet, Levi, David and I are sick.
ARGH!!!! Anyone living with a big family will tell you- if one gets sick THEY ALL get sick.
PLUS- my husband's blood pressure is through the roof- and was told by the doc- he needs to make a will and a proxy RIGHT AWAY!
So I'm crying in the office holding Violet- who had just been sobbing a minute ago because the doctor was lightly touching her. Did I mention she's a drama queen????
The doc told me " You're a mom- you don't have time to cry". The doctor is a mom too-so she knows- we moms have NO time to be weak, vulnerable, tired or sick.
My husband and I are constantly tired because my two and a half year old daughter NEVER EVER sleeps. We are trying to help her in every way possible- to help her get on a sleep schedule- this not only affects her during the daytime and her functioning abilities- but ours as well. Energy drinks, coffee- any caffeine available.
It's bad. Thank goodness in this case that I have low blood pressure ALL the time- so the caffeine doesn't affect me the way it does my hubby.
I told him- he can't go anywhere- he's not allowed to die. He said "Okay, I won't." with a smile.
God help us!
kisses to you all!
Stay tuned....

Friday, October 23, 2009


Last night I had a buyer from NEAT STUFF COLLECTIBLES come over to my house to try to buy my husband's and my collection of toys, records, comics and my dad's sports cards.
Even though it's really painful to sell all our things that we wanted to hand down to our children, we need money now- to survive- to pay rent, buy food, buy diapers, buy winter clothes- basic things we absolutely need- like formula for my son.
All of these things are very expensive. The buyer low balled us so ridiculously low we gagged! The guy knew we had an amazing collection- really amazing- and basically spit on us to try to make a huge profit for himself and the company. This is what they do for a living- go to people's houses that are looking to clean out their collection for whatever reasons- basically selling their childhood belongings- and buy it for close to nothing, telling them their collection is totally worthless! Meanwhile they sell it on ebay for tens of thousands of dollars! Basically they're CONS! This company makes me sick!
I'm going to be selling my enormous collection on ebay very soon.
If anyone knows anyone that collects records from the 60's-70's in amazing condition (the police, Beatles, the monkees, Woodstock, the rolling stones) or rare star wars toys still in their original boxes- vintage and not so vintage, rookie baseball cards, and 60's, 70's and 80's comics ( Amazing spiderman, X-men, Iron Man, Daredevil,etc)
Let me know.

Thanks everyone for listening.


Some of you may know and some may not-
I had a biopsy of a lump in my breast a few months before I get pregnant with Violet.
It was benign, thank goodness.
But that day...waiting for the results- was one of the worst days of my life.
And I never wanted to go through that ever again.
At that point I decided I wanted a full mastectomy ( having both breasts fully removed). A lot of my friends and family felt that was way too drastic a decision to make at such a young age- 25 years old.
Every doctor told me- I may want kids someday and want to breastfeed.
Let me just say this- I've had two kids and with both kids found it incredibly difficult to breastfeed- it was torture everyday till I decided to stop.
I STILL wish I'd had a full mastectomy done.
My back story-
I developed at a very very very young age. I had boobs- size B by the time I was in fifth grade! Which is insane and made me very self-conscience about my body- boys looked at me differently. I didn't have a kid's body anymore.
During High School- through the help of my gay friends-who definitely appreciate big boobs- they helped me be happy with them. But after high school and with my eating disorders my boobs went way up and waaaaaaaay down- double A cup.
I prefer my body with little- to no boobs. I do- I feel awkward with my boobs. Especially since the biopsy- I feel like any day I could get another lump- and have them removed. So I no longer feel attached to my boobs.
I haven't met many people that understand my way of thinking- except for breast cancer survivors and their family members.
The doctors I went to try to get my boobs removed would not do it unless I was diagnosed with cancer. Which is crazy because it can happen- there's no guarantee that it won't happen. Having them removed before the fact could save money- on doctor's visits and surgery and chemo in the long run. But all the doctors I saw were afraid to do it because they thought I'd change my mind and sue them.
I tried to explain to them the type of person I am- that when I make a decision- that's it. Like with my tatts- I had done at age 16 and 17- I don't like the way they look- they look cheap and warped- but I'm not getting them removed nor am I ashamed of them- they're a part of me forever.
So basically the decision I've come to in my life- F*CK BREASTS! F*ck doctors.
I know what's right for my body and my mind- they don't and never ever will.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


This by far is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life- not performing on stage, singing or acting or modeling nude, public speaking, nothing compares to being a mom. Especially a mom of two. It's learning to juggle- time, patience, objects, food - you name it. I've become quicker and better at multitasking than I've ever been. It's scary and rewarding- but not instantly. It'll be awhile till my daughter will say "I love you mommy." Even more years till my son says it.
I try to be a better mom every single day. Nothing keeps me on my toes more than being a mom. I get up out of bed everyday for them. With Bipolar- I suffer from depression- depression so bad- I can't function. But being a mom of two doesn't allow for that. I don't have time to be sick, rest or even pee alone. Too much information you might say- but that's all I do- talk openly- without regret about all things too personal for others to even think of sharing.
I prize my children because for many years I thought I'd never have children. I was told by doctors I wouldn't be able to conceive. I'd suffered from endometriosis- Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body. Which would prevent me from having children.
Very few of my friends know that I've had two miscarriages- one before getting pregnant which each of my children. So technically I've had four pregnancies.
And the pregnancies I had that did produce my children were very very difficult physically and I was on bed rest to prevent me from miscarrying again.
I've had two c-sections because I was unable to give birth naturally. Which I would've loved- being able to do a natural water birth-drug free.
But it's not possible to have surgery drug-free as everyone knows. haha.
The more drugs the better when you're being cut up.
I got pregnant with Violet after I had a dream a few months before that I had a four year old daughter named Violet. I knew after that dream I COULD get pregnant and that I WOULD have a daughter. I've had had premonitions since I was very little.
My dreams are usually premonitions- but never clear- always hard for me to figure out what they mean before they actually happen. I knew I was going to have a son before I was even pregnant with Levi.
Anyway- getting back to the topic of motherhood. I'm happier than I've ever been. Even though I'm more terrified than I've ever been in my life.
Having children is scary as hell. I worry for their safety every single second of the day. Especially with Violet since she puts her life in danger all the time- having no regard for her own safety- as she leaps off the couch or out of her crib- without a care in the world other than having a blast. Breastfeeding is also difficult because my son is ALWAYS hungry- he never stops eating- ever. So I have to supplement with formula- which I hate.
But I'll do whatever it takes- to feed and clothe my children and keep them smiling and laughing. After all that's my job- my purpose- one of my amazing purposes in life.
To be the greatest mom I can be and try to be greater each and every single day.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm a nutrition freak.

This doesn't mean I'm a health freak. But I have read tons and tons of books and articles on nutrition. I've been obsessed with nutrition since I was a pre-teen in Junior High.
I have suffered from eating disorders plural- anorexia and bulimia- since I was 12 years old. I've been hospitalized for it twice. Both times were life changing. And I learned A LOT about nutrition from nutritionists in the hospital. One of the things I wanted to be when I grew up was a nutritionist. But I hated school and still do to this day.
I'm more for the unconventional approach to learning. Learning through living.
Even though I knew the right things to eat I was listening to what fashion magazines told me instead- to be skinny.
Being pregnant with Violet really changed my eating habits completely.
I now didn't eat to look a certain way- but to survive and have Violet thrive.
I have tried every "diet" out there and have learned not to diet ever again, but to only eat what I love.
One of the books I read that really changed my perspective about food was "Eat Fat". The book talks about the history of fat and explains that by actually eating what you like- when you like- you might even lose weight. Sounds insane right? But guess what- it's true. It's a brilliant book and I highly suggest it to any friend having problems with their weight and a history of eating disorders.
Another book that is changing my perspective about what I eat is a book I'm in the middle of reading now- "Real Food" by Nina Planck.
I'm loving this book and I want to read her second book about baby's first foods.
I highly recommend this book to anyone.
We live in a culture afraid of fat. Deathly afraid of it. Afraid of cholesterol, fat and calories. Afraid of eating, basically, and living too.
Eating is a pleasure- we don't eat purely to survive but to enjoy, to feel, to experience. And why not enjoy what you're eating- to love the food and feel good about eating it afterwards. No guilt attached to eating.
Eating has been called a guilty pleasure, which is ridiculous. Guilty and pleasure shouldn't be in the same sentence. Especially when it comes to eating.
I love wholefoods and the farmer's markets.
And I am broke- poor as fuck. But Wholefoods has their own brand of products and it's relatively cheap. I know doesn't sound believable but it's true.
Their meat and fish is often on sale as is their produce. I know the food is quality not just quantity. Which is important for poor folks like me feeding a big family of seven people.
Poor people, my people, are mostly fat. Why? Because we think we cannot afford the quality good foods that rich people eat freely. We buy very processed foods because they last- and they feed a lot of people for a low cost.
I've done it- bought crap just so my family could have food on the table. Being poor is a trap- believe me. But I'll get more into that at another time.
Fat or thin- I believe both can be healthy. Fat doesn't equal poor health. Nor does poor health equal fat.
I think it's long overdue that people change their perspectives about fat people.
First of all the word fat- shouldn't be considered bad or offensive. That needs to stop. When someone is offended by the word fat- it's probably because they are fat and they're ashamed of it.
I'm fat- and it's taken me a long time to be okay with that and not be looking to change that fact.
I've been extremely thin ( under 80 lbs.) and also fat ( 200 lbs.) in my lifetime thus far. And I can tell you- even though you get to fit into all the "cool" clothes-it doesn't make you happy. Especially when you're afraid of everything you put into your mouth.
I prefer eating full fat meals- bacon, steak, chicken with the skin on, and all deep fried foods. The thing is the meat is antibiotic free and grass-fed. The baked goods my family and I eat are made by me- I know what goes into it.
My cholesterol is excellent, sugar level- all of things the doctors test for is good.
Because of the foods I eat. If I lose weight or gain weight- that's not my concern. My concern is am I healthy?
My point is cool clothes can be made-and tailored to fit, quality food can be bought and feed a big family on a low budget, and guilt over food is unnecessary. You are beautiful no matter what size, 100 or 500 lbs. Be happy with yourself inside and out and see if that doesn't change your life completely.

This topic I will be talking way more about- but right now I have to get to playing with my children.

Thanks for listening I hope this helps you.

TTFN! ta ta for now, as tigger would say.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Autism and my daughter

My daughter, Violet, is 2 and has PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder) which is a form of autism. She's a very happy girl- laughs and giggles a lot but has trouble communicating. She has no words yet. She knows about three signs. Doesn't respond to her name very much but does make eye contact.
I'm so lucky to have her. Many times I've said Violet saved my life.
Before I got pregnant with Violet, I was under 80 lbs. and very ill- mentally and physically. Once I got pregnant with her- my life, my bipolar changed forever.
She's amazing and is teaching me all the time. She teaches me other ways to communicate, other than words.
I'm always on the lookout for new toys she'll like and books.
I was looking for a puzzle piece necklace (the sign for autism) and I came across this website called
Wow- It's really cool and funny. They have t-shirts that say things like-" I love an autie!" crazy, huh? " Be patient with me I'm autistic." and " Autism rocks and flaps and spins." That's my favorite actually.
I appreciate every milestone she reaches because she's worked so hard to get there.
I saw a two year old girl in the doctors office today and she was talking and talking.
I felt sad for a moment, seeing how different my kid daughter is.
But then I quickly remembered her laugh and that she's a happy little girl reguardless if she can talk or not just yet.
Violet when she was little, developed fast and was quick to hit each milestone until she received her 1 year vaccines. Then everything took a giant leap backwards.
I'm very scared of vaccines and am really worried because I have to do it all over again with my son. This time I'm wiser.

About moi

I'm 28, married with 2 kids- 1 autisitic girl and the other boy just born.
Who am I? A now functioning self-aware bipolar. Oxymoron yes- self-aware and bipolar in the same sentence- usually never. Except in my case.
Now before you go all defensive and say how functioning you are as a bipolar- wait let me stop you there.
I don't believe you and I never well. I am the first of my kind- don't steal my thunder asshole.
And yes you -like most bipolar- actually all bipolars are fucking self-absorbed assholes.
I love you guys- for you are my people- but I know you're deeply flawed.
Not because you ARE bipolar but because you have no clue how to USE your bipolar.
Not to get free drinks or get your rent paid. but actually use- this- dare I say it?-gift.
Bipolar is hereditary- and most likely my children may be bipolar-but they unlike you have me as a mother. And yes they are lucky. And so are you by reading this.
I did not have me as a mother- that would be creepy and impossible. I could've never been that lucky.
Before I get to the tear-jerking, sometimes disgusting moments of my life- let me say that I want to make you laugh while reading my blogs- either at me or at yourself. My life as always been a tragic accidental comedy and I could not have gotten anywhere without laughing- at myself and other people- like you. And I know you are worthy of me laughing at.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


For those of you who know me personally and have been keeping up to date with me, know that since my c-section I've been constantly sick as has my family and things have gotten worse again.
Man I thought I got all my tikkuns ( If you're a kabbalist you know what I'm talking about, they are kind of like obstacles you must get past to get to where you want to be in life). I have done a LOT of stuff in my life that I've paid for a million times over (that will be explained in later blog entries- my old wild bizarre painful scary exhilarating lifestyle) But THIS must be from a past life!!! I must have been such a bastard! No joke!
Those tikkuns were necessary for me to grow into the person that I am now. I'm proud to be who I am now. But these new tikkuns- I'm lost. This just seems like punishment.
And I feel like I'm not getting past them.
I pray and pray and pray that I'll get past them and become better- mentally, physically and emotionally- maybe I'll become superhuman?! Well I can always hope:)