Me so tired

I'm so exhausted!!
I went with Violet for her second day of her new school.
But I haven't been sleeping well for DAYS!
Last night at 4 A.M. I was tossing and turning, Levi woke up and Dave was really nasty and mean to me- do I remember what he said exactly- no because it was FOUR O'CLOCK in the fucking morning.
WAY too early to be arguing.
He was feeling very ill last night and hadn't slept- so apparently it's okay to totally lose your temper as long as you have a "good" excuse?
While Dave was in the bathroom, I picked up Lee out of the crib to comfort him.
He was SO happy to see that it was me- not Dave- picking me up to cuddle.
He kept smiling at me and putting his head on my shoulder.
Then he played "face hugger"- by this I mean, have you seen the movie Aliens???
He took his finger and kept trying to put it in my mouth- then trying to put it in my nose- the whole time I'm laughing saying to him "Levi! You little face hugger!!"
He thought it was hilarious!
Eventually he got tired again and went back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. just to have to wake up an hour later to get Violet and me ready for the school bus.
Did I ever mention how much I hated school, back in the day. I mean absolutely HATED, DREADED freaking school.
So it's hilarious to me- that I'm waking up at this time to go with my daughter to her school.
She had another great day today at school.
This morning she even tried a piece of my bagel with cream cheese!!!
It's like a whole new Violet!!! Woohoo.
Well not completely- she still has a meltdown at meal time every single day, in school and at home.
A half an hour after we got home I had to rush her off to her sensory gym.
Two hours later, she had therapy at home- and that's when her mental breakdown started.
Screaming, crying- because she's exhausted.
I'm exhausted- and I don't run around half as much as she does- and on as little food as she does.
I have no idea where she gets the abundance of energy she has.
They wanted me to come to school again tomorrow, and even though I DO LOVE the school, and of course my child- and the other children as well- I need some freaking sleep!!!
All her classmates- They are some of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet!!
All these kids with all kinds of physical and learning disabilities- they are so sweet and kind.
I bonded with a few of them.
One boy in her class follows Violet around and sings her name to a made up melody.
The kids were following me around the classroom, coming up to me- playing with me.
It's such an amazing experience- I cannot even describe how much I adore these kids- even after only two days.
Everyone at this school is so lucky, including the teachers.
Good thing is they have an open door policy, and I can come anytime I'd like.
I should be sleeping right now- but instead I'm typing.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my own husband.
His emotions are all over the place.
I LOVE that after he blew up at me this morning, he said I was being oversensitive- that's when I said- "Whoa- back up!"
"In a few minutes you are going to realize that you just blew your fucking top- for no good reason- and you are going to feel really bad that you did that."
At that point, he apologized.
I wanted him to go to the doctor today- but he avoids the doctor like the plague.
Where is a fucking blow dart when I need it????
But instead of knocking him out- it'll just make him be nice.
Man I WANT that freaking drug!!!
On another note- I've been trying to schedule that second mammogram because something is going on with my left breast.
Instead of being sad or depressed about the possibility of cancer- I make jokes about it- at my expense. It puts my family at ease and they laugh a little. My dad hates that I make jokes about the lump.
Finally my mom had to tell him, it's better for me to laugh about it- than cry.
He decided to donate one day of his salary to Breast Cancer Foundation. I found that really touching- since my dad doesn't communicate his feelings very well at all- especially about me- except if he's mad at me- that he's always expressed really really well.


So I'll end this blog here for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!

Violet's last day of school

I went with her to school today- to hand out gifts, take photos and say our goodbyes.

It was a very emotional day. I cried a few times- because I was sad to say goodbye to the people that have helped care for my baby girl, and because I saw how much these wonderful instructors care about their kids.
It's such a wonderful school and the people are amazing.
My sister went there over fifteen years ago- they helped her start talking- they were wonderful back then- and still are today.
I loved watching Violet during school today- seeing her so happy. Smiling and giggling all day!
She's changed so much in this past year. I'm so lucky to be her mommy.
She's such a sweet child.


Hey for all I know, Levi will be going there in a year when he turns two- who knows. And I'll get to go through this all over again. ha-ha!
One of her instructors, Emily, was really outstanding. Violet connected so well with her- and grew a lot from her teachings.
I know Violet will miss her and the school a lot.
But I hope to see some of these instructors again.I hope they always feel free to stop by, and see how Violet's doing and say hello.
I cannot say enough good things about the people there. When it was time to put the children on the bus, I saw a lot of them crying- because it was so hard to say goodbye- it was so touching.


I know- this blog post is so mushy- totally unlike me- but that's the way I feel today.


Violet's the star today!!!
Don't worry Levi wasn't left out- when Violet took a nap later- it was "mommy and me" time for him. I gave him a long bath and played with him. So he felt special too.
I know I've mentioned before that Violet is eating Gluten again. So at school they had donuts- and Violet was in heaven! She was the last one at the table eating- she was looking around for other things to eat as well!!! It was so funny!!
So now I figure the way to get her to eat things is to leave the food I want her to eat on plates around the house- and make it seem like it's for other people!!! ha-ha! just kidding of course.
But she did like having a buffet!
That's my girl- always thinking with her stomach ( quote from star wars- geek alert!)



As always...Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo of her in school playing with a toy sheep- she loves animals!!!

The Adventures of Beana...

Today was a good but hectic day- and it's not even over yet!
It started- well actually yesterday never ended because sleep was non-existent last night. Both Levi and Violet didn't sleep a wink.
This morning Violet had a baby interview at YAI Gramercy school. I was very nervous- but she did amazingly!!! She was in such a great mood- waved and high-fived all the teachers and workers there- if she would've winked at them, I would've died! ha ha.
She played and interacted with the other kids. She got to check out their mini-gym and get thrown down a big slide several times. She must have thought this was the BEST PLACE EVER! She was great even when we had to leave- no tantrums!!! HOORAY!
When she got home she had ABA therapy. And after that, we headed to her occupational therapist at the sensory gym about 10 blocks away. On the way there all these kids started spontaneously throwing snow balls, that was thrown very close to Violet, Shannon and I.
Out of nowhere- I LOSE IT (hello!BIPOLAR!) I scream at the top of my lungs- I mean so loud a few blocks away heard me clearly- "HEY! DON'T YOU SEE A BABY!!!!!"
All the kids stop dead. One looks at me and says " You talkin' to me?!!!" At which point, I don't lose a beat and respond, waving my arms- being all ghetto and shit "YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU!!!!" . Shocked and a little afraid, he walked away. Later the teacher, who was behind them the whole time, scolded them.
The whole time Violet is laughing and jumping up and down in her stroller!
I think she was saying in her own way- HECK YEAH!!! My mom fucking CRAZY!!! Woohoo!
I laugh all the way to the gym. The minute we get to the gym ( 10 minutes early) she practically jumps out of her stroller and runs back and forth in the waiting area, till her therapist arrives. She then disappears down the stairs with her therapist to the gym.
While I'm waiting in the waiting room, patiently, a kid is sitting 5 inches away from me- blowing raspberries at me- for about 25 minutes! I found it funny, not rude because the kid had some sort of disability. His mom was talking to another boy's mom- and THIS was their conversation.
One boy was grabbing his mom's purse. She says to him " You like purses, huh? Are you gonna wear purses when you grow up?". To which the boy replies "uh-huh!"
She then says " Are you gonna wear a man-purse like daddy?. Actually I just give daddy my purse to hold at times while we're shopping because it's SOOOOO heavy. I mean not ALL the time but still it's too heavy for me. I don't even KNOW what I put in there!".
Yes this is a typical conversation of upper-class, upper west side moms, chatting away while their son blow raspberries at a stranger for half an hour.
Violet ended up being fantastic and energetic during her session, making her therapist extremely happy.
Right outside the gym- I realize I put my daughter's snow suit and coat on but not her shoes! Yup that's a mom for you- at times- clueless.
On the way home I stopped at Walgreen's for some things and Violet fell asleep.
She's now asleep- still in her stroller- not knowing in 10 minutes I have to wake her up for some more therapy- her speech therapy. The one she hates the most.
I still have yet to defrost meat, cook dinner, or clean or give my kids baths, the list goes on and on.
The day isn't even OVER YET!

All I hope is that she gets into Gramercy- the greatest school on the face of the earth- and eventually get some sleep. Eventually. Maybe.

Kisses bitches!!!!

Anxiety

I have an anxiety problem.
Tomorrow I have to go to SSI because they threatened to take it away again even though I've had it for only 5 months. Insane, I know.
The night before I have things I've got to do that I know will be stressful- I don't sleep. Even now- over a week till my daughter's hospital visit I worry and am extremely anxious.
I remember the time I spent in school- stressing out all the time over stupid tests.
Man, I HATED school ALWAYS. I would not want to go back ever.
I remember taking a test in fifth grade- a math test and leaning over to my friend- who thought she knew everything and maybe she did, and asked her for the answer to a question that was troubling me- what was the question you ask?- The question was what was 8 times 11?
Yeah- that simple. I freaked- she gave me the answer. And yes I cheated in fifth grade- sue me! I helped many friends in High school during their tests on much tougher questions- so it evens out.
Even thinking about getting my cosmetology license- and having to go to school and take tests again, gives me anxiety. And I LOVE hair. Styling, cutting, the products everything. I've done it for years but don't have a license. Besides cosmetology school costing an INSANE amount of money ($16,000)- that only 1/3 is covered by financial aid and loans. I worry about taking tests and my anxiety levels. I have enough stress in my life right now, daily. No need to add some tests into the picture.
I have a goal in mind right now- I set up many for myself all the time- small ones that I feel I can achieve. This one being to not cut or color my hair till September 2010.
That'll make it a year since I'd shaved my hair off ( Sept. 2009). Let's see if I can do it. Hopefully the anxiety of my hair looking like crap won't make me freak out and cut it all off again, just maybe.
I'll be posting monthly updates with photos on how I'm doing- besides my (almost) daily blogs.

This is a photo of what my hair looks like as of a week ago. Wish me luck.

Stay tuned...