Wearing down

Tonight was a night of horrors. I'm pretty sure a few hours ago, my son had a small seizure. Yup, you heard me. I called the doctor, don't worry- and no I didn't go to emergency. Frankly I'm terrified of hospitals, not because I practically live there most of the time, but because ....how'd my doctor put it? Oh yea, I'm the poster child for things that can go wrong in a hospital.
I can't step into a hospital without thinking of MRSA. For those of you who don't know what this is you should be grateful.
My son and I, on the other hand know it all to well.
Just so you know, hospitals- are COVERED in this. It is a type of penicillin resistant, staph infection. And it can kill.
My son and I contracted this when he was born. I was put on emergency high dose antibiotics through an I.V. TWICE because it was killing my body.
So yeah, I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. When I go in for something, I sometimes come out with something else entirely. Scary, I know.
So instead, I'm choosing to take him to the doctor tomorrow.
And tomorrow BTW is my sister's Birthday! She turns 20!!!
I'm worried for my children, both of them.
My throat's been hurting me so bad for days now, and seems to get worse. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Most likely I'm sick from the mold in my room.
I've been under a lot of stress, A LOT.
I haven't had anytime to take care of myself. And I'm not complaining- all I want is for my kids to get better. And if that takes up every single second of the day and night so be it.
I've been in a fog these past few days. My vision's a little blurry, I feel weak, but I still push through, always.
My family has mentioned to me, that I'm getting thin again, and asked if they should be concerned.
That is usually a HUGE wake-up call for me. Like WARNING, things get bad after this if ignored.
Truthfully, I lack any desire for food. I eat because things are getting blurry, and my stomach growling. Not because I enjoy it, or even want it. It kind of repulses me at times.
Also Dave has been diagnosed with Diabetes, and my dad is too. So we have way healthier food here, not much sugar. And really, I live off sugar, and salt.
I know, it's bad but I feel like so many of my old go-to foods have been banned from the house. I know they are technically allowed here, but I can't take the chance my dad or Dave would eat it.
I used to be an emotional eater, I was taught this as a child. Do you feel down?? Eat this, you'll feel better. It took a lot of hospitalizations to fix that. But now I'm an emotionally eater, the other way around. I don't want to eat when stressed.
There's just so much going on right now, no one can help me with.
And yes, I know you'll all going to say "You need to take care of yourself, blah blah blah". I am aware of this.
I know I gotta get my shit together. It's hard because most of the time, I feel alone. Like a one man army.
I go to court on Wednesday morning. The landlord wants the rest of the back rent I'm sure, but he ain't gonna get that. Not with all the damages.
I'm having a difficult time finding a good lawyer, that I don't have to pay till we win. Because we WILL win. This I know.
I just want money to be able to get the fuck out of the hellhole, we call a home. And to finally to able to give my children great health and happiness.
I pray every night for all my family, and all my friends.
I hope God will hear my prayers and better all our lives.


God bless you.

My day...

On days like today I remember a quote I read in Parents magazine. Yes I read Parents magazine now, not fashion magazines galore like I used to. I used to be addicted to fashion magazines- they were my crack. Now I can't bring myself to look at one- first, the fashion is usually bad- second, the models always look pissed. ALWAYS.
And none of the articles apply to my life- how to lose ten pounds in one week, how to be better in bed, how to find the right man and so on. ALL bullshit being thrown at your face, without apologies.
So the quote I think of is this- it's from a parent talking about their kids.
"When I'm a part from my kids- I miss them so much. Then when I see my kids, I can't wait for them to go to bed."
Today was so frustrating. We finally get to go outside and it's getting dark, the kids fall asleep. Dave wanted to get out the church thrift store but I was with the double stroller- which doesn't fit in the thrift store so I offered to wait outside.
For nearly twenty minutes I waited outside with the children asleep in their warm stroller freezing my ass off. Literally my ass was numb.
He finally comes outside and we head home.
The kids, of course wake up the minute we enter the apartment and even though the day was filled with frustration I was happy they were awake- and forgot all the bad things that happened today. I picked Levi up- all smiles and happy to see me.
Now after spending a few hours holding, playing and kissing them I look forward to when they go to bed.
Then mama will finally get to watch her stories. Amen.

Being real poor- not Rich man's poor...

Let me start off by saying it sucks being poor. Now when I say poor- and mean POOR.
Not rich man's poor like Nicholas Cage or any celebrity claiming to be poor. Or poor like my evil grandmother, but poor- so poor I'm several months behind on my bills. My family had to borrow money from my evil grandmother- she works hand in hand with the devil, I'm sure. Now before you go judging me- you have to know something about me. One- I love my family more than anything or anyone. We work like a hive- dependent on one another- my mom, dad, sister, husband and my two young children.
I'm a very loyal person and it takes a lot to get on my bad side. I have two grandmothers- one who has dementia and means the world to me- the other, my father's mother- treats my family like horse sh*t- actually less than. She has never helped us out of the goodness of her heart- because frankly her heart is black and cold. She thinks I live in a fantasy world because she won't ever except her son's (my father) flaws and thinks I'm making things up. My father and I have had a very rough relationship. The details I will not say here- in my blog- but maybe one day in a book I plan to write about my life someday.
She is an evil woman who doesn't do anything just to help- everything she does she expects things in return even from the penny less.
Getting back to what I was talking about earlier- it takes a lot for me to hate someone. But my grandmother falls into that category.
We borrowed money from her so we wouldn't be evicted- yup things are that bad.
We're looking for someone to buy us out of this apartment so we could move somewhere way more affordable- somewhere to call our own- and not be afraid of being evicted from. To be able to keep our heads way above water- which seems impossible at this moment in time.
We borrowed money from her- and I, alone, have to pay her back a large sum of money monthly until the debt is paid.
This sum of money- is way more than I can afford. We have no money for food or our bills. I go to a food pantry to make sure my family can eat.
She claims she is "poor"- yet she has never been behind on a single payment in her entire life and grew up being a socialite. I hate when rich people claim to be poor.
Their idea of poor doesn't include food stamps, going to a food pantry, or governmental disability assistance in mind.
Poor is my life. I work everyday on trying to get out of this horrible, nightmare of a situation- but being poor is a trap- it's like a hamster wheel. A never ending hellish nightmare. Which makes me worry sick, day in and out.
This evil woman would rather my family go hungry and be out on the streets than not be paid back.
But I have to believe that God is just and swift and those that do wrong- will get what they have coming to them.
I'm waiting for that moment. That moment where her delusions of being a good person and mother will come crumbling down- and she will see all the hurt and pain she has caused. She will one day feel remorse and regret. One day and hopefully soon before it's too late.
I pray daily to god to help me better my family's life.
Thank you all for listening and for your understanding.
Love you all.
God bless you.

Today's heart attack...

I have daily heart attacks- mostly due to my daughter- who has no consideration for her own well being and puts her life in danger several times daily.
This time is was my hubby.
We all went to the doc today. Violet, Levi, David and I are sick.
ARGH!!!! Anyone living with a big family will tell you- if one gets sick THEY ALL get sick.
PLUS- my husband's blood pressure is through the roof- and was told by the doc- he needs to make a will and a proxy RIGHT AWAY!
So I'm crying in the office holding Violet- who had just been sobbing a minute ago because the doctor was lightly touching her. Did I mention she's a drama queen????
The doc told me " You're a mom- you don't have time to cry". The doctor is a mom too-so she knows- we moms have NO time to be weak, vulnerable, tired or sick.
My husband and I are constantly tired because my two and a half year old daughter NEVER EVER sleeps. We are trying to help her in every way possible- to help her get on a sleep schedule- this not only affects her during the daytime and her functioning abilities- but ours as well. Energy drinks, coffee- any caffeine available.
It's bad. Thank goodness in this case that I have low blood pressure ALL the time- so the caffeine doesn't affect me the way it does my hubby.
I told him- he can't go anywhere- he's not allowed to die. He said "Okay, I won't." with a smile.
God help us!
kisses to you all!
Stay tuned....

Motherhood

This by far is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life- not performing on stage, singing or acting or modeling nude, public speaking, nothing compares to being a mom. Especially a mom of two. It's learning to juggle- time, patience, objects, food - you name it. I've become quicker and better at multitasking than I've ever been. It's scary and rewarding- but not instantly. It'll be awhile till my daughter will say "I love you mommy." Even more years till my son says it.
I try to be a better mom every single day. Nothing keeps me on my toes more than being a mom. I get up out of bed everyday for them. With Bipolar- I suffer from depression- depression so bad- I can't function. But being a mom of two doesn't allow for that. I don't have time to be sick, rest or even pee alone. Too much information you might say- but that's all I do- talk openly- without regret about all things too personal for others to even think of sharing.
I prize my children because for many years I thought I'd never have children. I was told by doctors I wouldn't be able to conceive. I'd suffered from endometriosis- Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body. Which would prevent me from having children.
Very few of my friends know that I've had two miscarriages- one before getting pregnant which each of my children. So technically I've had four pregnancies.
And the pregnancies I had that did produce my children were very very difficult physically and I was on bed rest to prevent me from miscarrying again.
I've had two c-sections because I was unable to give birth naturally. Which I would've loved- being able to do a natural water birth-drug free.
But it's not possible to have surgery drug-free as everyone knows. haha.
The more drugs the better when you're being cut up.
I got pregnant with Violet after I had a dream a few months before that I had a four year old daughter named Violet. I knew after that dream I COULD get pregnant and that I WOULD have a daughter. I've had had premonitions since I was very little.
My dreams are usually premonitions- but never clear- always hard for me to figure out what they mean before they actually happen. I knew I was going to have a son before I was even pregnant with Levi.
Anyway- getting back to the topic of motherhood. I'm happier than I've ever been. Even though I'm more terrified than I've ever been in my life.
Having children is scary as hell. I worry for their safety every single second of the day. Especially with Violet since she puts her life in danger all the time- having no regard for her own safety- as she leaps off the couch or out of her crib- without a care in the world other than having a blast. Breastfeeding is also difficult because my son is ALWAYS hungry- he never stops eating- ever. So I have to supplement with formula- which I hate.
But I'll do whatever it takes- to feed and clothe my children and keep them smiling and laughing. After all that's my job- my purpose- one of my amazing purposes in life.
To be the greatest mom I can be and try to be greater each and every single day.