Welcome to my LIFE!!!

Karen, my darling, is not used to my family just yet.
Marco on the other hand- knows my family's madness and is used to it.
My therapist for YEARS- even to this very day- wants my family and I to have a reality t.v. show-
she said there would be something for everyone-
The poor, the autistic, the deaf, the bipolars, the gay community, the mentally insane, the moms struggling out there- you name it! We got EVERY reality show beat by a long shot!
You all know my family and I are moving- all together.
My two deaf parents (they say they are hard-of-hearing- but we ALL know better ;), my autistic sister with a heart condition, my two special needs kids (autistic), and my "yet to be diagnosed" husband (he said this himself).
My dad, as every knows is losing his mind- truthfully. Dementia here he comes, no joke!
He is all over the place! I'm just surprised he finds his way home everyday.
Yesterday Karen ordered some food for my mom and dad, at a nearby place- to pick up.
She tells my dad to run in and pick up the order "for Karen".
He says "For Karen?"
"Yes, for Karen".
He comes out of the restaurant with a small plastic bag-
Karen asked "Where the food??!!!"
He replied "right here! Two sandwiches!"
"ummm, Jeff that's not what I ordered!!!! You didn't pick up what I ordered".
My dad gets pissed off because breakfast costs $14 for two people. He actually bitched and moaned about this.
Karen told me the story- I told her "THIS IS MY LIFE!!! DAY IN AND OUT!!! 24/7 CRAZY TOWN!"
He never ever follows direction, he does everything opposite!
My mom wasn't doing so well yesterday either. She hung up the phone on us about three times.
And she wasn't listening to a word we were saying!! It was so frustrating!!!
Again, I should be used to this by now, but I never am.
My mom asked Dave where he was- he said "In the car on the way to Brooklyn to meet up with you".
She asked again where he was, over and over again-
he then responded "I'm running down the highway Helene!!! Running to Brooklyn!"
Karen, Marco and I were laughing so freakin' hard!!!
We couldn't stop!
This is a typical conversation with my family- very typical.
I think we are all from another planet or something.
We get there- she decided to put the computer in a different place then we wanted. Even though I'd told her over five times where it should go.
Everyone was screaming.
Did I mention my parents are deaf?!
This means they think everyone ELSE is deaf too! So they scream everything!!!
It's madness, I tell you- madness!
I'm starving at this point- saying I'm so hungry I might eat a small puppy if someone didn't help me get some damn food SOON!
I don't know my way around my neighborhood, or any part of Brooklyn for that matter. I have to learn everything from scratch! Very scary for me!
Dave decides to put the highchairs together- in the middle of the hallway- I have no clue why.
We're trying to get out of the house- to go eat and to the carpet store before they closed.
My mom is screaming what's the carpet store's name!!!
I yell out "Carpet munchers!!!"
Marco's hysterically laughing, everyone else is confused-
This is my life!!!
We got to the carpet store- but we didn't have the measurements with us- we had left it back at the house!
OY VEY!
I was going to pick out anything at this point- I needed FOOD NOW!
Levi was biting me he was so hungry! OUCH!
I decided to get out of the car with the kids and my sister and head to McDonald's for some quick grub.
I'm ordering there for about 9 people-
The women looked at me " At this point you should've just cooked."
"Well I am ordering for almost 9 people. Though I think I could eat this all by myself at this point"- I said laughing- but it was the truth!
I then said to her- "I'm in the middle of moving, I have no food, or cookware in my house yet- so McD's will just have to do."
She apologized, and understood. After that she was super nice to me.
I told her "I'm poor and moving int he neighborhood. You'll be seeing a lot of me. Plus can you imagine how much this would have cost from a diner?!!
She laughed!! Because we both knew the truth to that!
The cable guy was at our house for hours!! "I asked him if he's ready to kill himself yet?"
He laughed- but I could see in his eyes- He wanted to!
Karen picks us up at McDonald's, and then we head back to the house.
The kids are running around- we are trying to figure out the t.v. to put on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
We're putting baby gates together- and cribs. It was insane. The whole time my mom is having a nervous breakdown and my dad is mumbling to himself- something- I have no clue what nor do I care at this point.
I have a splitting migraine and bad cramps- from the new birth control pill. Plus my boobs are growing by the fucking second! No joke!
We tried to get a car service because Karen couldn't drive us home, and it was the kids' bedtime- they were cranky and crying.
The car service didn't give my mom a price quote and then shows up at our house asking for ....get this...$80!!!
We were like, are you crazy?!
You didn't give my mom a price quote, she's deaf, and you show up asking for $80 to take us home?!!!
That started a war with Dave and this stupid driver!
He was taking advantage of my mom being deaf.
CRIMINAL!!!
Don't ever use the car service "Mill Basin" in Brooklyn- their crooks!!! Scumbags!!!
We didn't take the car obviously!!!
Karen was our savior and drove us home. She is my angel!!!
Thank you Karen so much!!!
I owe you BIG TIME!!!
BTW if you are wondering how I know Karen- she's engaged to Marco- my homeboy.
And is the mama of one of the best kids I know, Maya.
I'm so lucky to have them- otherwise I would've committed myself to an institution yesterday.

P.S. - I get a letter from SSI asking me to come in again- twice in one year- nothing has changed. Actually things got worse. I'm still fucking Bipolar and CRAZY! HELLO!!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Wouldn't you watch our reality show???!!!

*found this photo of me- I felt it was appropriate.

Rant for the day.

So many things to rant about today...so many things.

This weekend was a bit difficult. The miscarriage I suffered last weekend really put my body out of whack. As well as my emotions. Due to that, I wasn't feeling so well this weekend. And I was a bit down as well.

Waiting on food stamps- is killing me. I was going to start eating rice day in and out again so that my family had enough food to eat.

But Violet was running out of food, and Lee was almost out of formula.

I was freaking out. We still have almost two more weeks till the next month's check. And still no word from food stamps. ARGH, the government is so frustrating.

Laundry is stacking up, we are almost out of clothes- and I had to use the laundry money for food. Just another month, right?

It usually isn't THIS bad. I mean we struggle but this was FUCKING horrible. I must go to the food pantry. It's hard going there-not because of my pride or anything- I have NONE when it comes to feeding my kids. NONE.

I just wish I could help the other people that I see there suffering. I feel helpless because I have nothing to offer.

So my room is full of bags with laundry- and I have to get creative when picking out my daughter's outfits to go to school in. Luckily they think we're like fashionistas or something- because my daughter sometimes goes to school in tutus and crazy "fashion forward" clothing. I'm glad they think that and they don't think we're crazy instead.

I thank g-d for my family members that have helped me out this month. My aunt really came through for us this month, as well as my grand-uncle (without him I'd have nothing in the freezer), and I will pay her back, not matter what, with next month's check. Hopefully then we'll have gotten back food stamps, and months and months of retro. Hopefully.

My son's birthday was last week, and I had nothing- no money to buy him a single present. Thank goodness for the dollar store- at least I was able to get some balloons- with my laundry money and a few ingredients for the cake I made him. I wasn't even able to have a small celebration for my little man, like I wanted.

I get asked a lot of times- why is money so tight? Well..we are supporting several people- both my kids have special needs- which usually means "special" more expensive food. Very expensive actually. We also live in the city- and very expensive city- where everything is extremely costly.

I long for the day- where all my bills are paid, we have more than enough food and we have money left over. I don't care about luxury items- I really don't.

That's what gets me so annoyed with rich people. They don't know how good they have it. And the things they waste money on is ridiculous.

All I want to know is that we have the necessities- like toilet paper, tissues, diapers, wipes, the list goes on and on. I haven't bought any "luxury" items in so long. Because I know that money could be used for laundry or food!

When I read the paper, the things that celebrities do with their money is appalling. They could be helping so many people in need!!! I would help fix up so many shelters in the city, and make them safe for children. Most shelters in the city are terrifying. Sometimes not any better then being out on the street!

I'd also help get better food in the food pantries and make it more accessible for the homeless. There are SO many people in need that could use help.

But most rich people feel that those people are not their problem- and that the poor should "get a job". I hate this sentence- because really they know NOTHING about being really fucking dirt poor, and/or having a mental illness. A large percentage of homeless people have a mental illness- "getting a job" is really not an option. And really- "get a job"?! In this economy right now- even people with a Master's degree are having a difficult time getting a job nowadays.

Listen, even my husband- with a 162 I.Q. ( technically a genius- "regular people" have an I.Q. of about 135) has had a difficult time for years "getting a job".

I dream- not of being a billionaire, though being a millionaire- I could help a lot of people. I dream of days where collectors aren't calling me non-stop and not having to go to the food pantry because food stamps have fucked with me yet again.

Sorry for the long ass rant. But I'm tired and cranky.

Luckily I have my kids here to cheer me up.

I really hope things get better for everyone, all my poor friends out there that are struggling.

I love you all, and can't wait for the day I can help everyone and pay everyone back.

My prayer are with you all. G-d Bless you.

Thanks for listening.

Kisses to all my struggling bitches out there! I feel your pain.

An almost nervous breakdown

I went to court yesterday, without a lawyer, because I was having a hard time finding one that would take the case.
Spent half the day there...to come out with nothing.
I'm still seeking a lawyer. My sister went to the epilepsy clinic today, to find out she may be having seizures throughout the night! Which is why she wakes up in a daze. I'm terrified. All I keep picturing is when I thought she was dead and not breathing. I'm so scared. Plus now my son seems to be having seizures as well, as of two nights ago.
I hate this fucking apartment!
So yeah, now my sister will have to stay in the hospital for three days next week. Her and I are never apart, so I'm going to be totally losing it.
And Levi will have to do the same thing Violet had done in the hospital.
In the midst of all this, I'm really really ill, and have no time to get better. I didn't even have time to see the doctor today.
Dave has to go to food stamps yet again, because they closed our case AGAIN. Saying they mailed us things they never ever did. Why are poor people ALWAYS fucked with?!
Levi's also in the middle of evaluations from several different types of therapists.
Because he is experiencing many delays. Which means he'll be getting hours of therapy a week as well.
And on top of that, I'm trying to make sure everyone's eating what they are supposed to be eating, since I have three diabetics here (Dave and my dad) and another(my sister) who NEEDS sugar, constantly I have to make sure her blood sugar doesn't get low because that also leads to her having seizures.
It all came tumbling down on me today. Like it all of a sudden hit me- all the pressure, and stress.
I just laid down on the floor crying to myself. The whole time trying to pull myself together.
So it wasn't a full meltdown, because believe me I've had quite a few of those in the past.
I just feel like this is TOO much. Too much for me to possibly handle, but I have to, there's no choice.
I've got to do a million and two things in the next few weeks. and I can't even get myself better.
ARGH!!!!
I NEED a miracle RIGHT NOW!!!!
God?! Anyone???



Hopefully a miracle is on it's way!!!


More to come.

Asking God for a Miracle...

I posted a blog a few days ago- and I deleted it recently.
It was about my ongoing battle with people to try to understand why my husband can't work- right now.
My daughter has a terrible sleeping disorder that she will be in the hospital for, to see what's causing it. Once my daughter starts sleeping- hopefully soon when they figure out what's wrong- he would be more than happy to find work.
We WANT and NEED money to come in. It's not a choice to be this poor. It's horrible.
When buying toiletries- like soap, tissues, deodorant- you know the very very basics-nothing luxurious- can't be bought. It's fucking rough.
I went to SSI today because the money they promised me never came. And I owe a lot of rent- besides every other bill.
I went there- and was shit on- I have to go back with yet even more documents.
Meanwhile I saw a woman in a HUGE FUR COAT with her pimp- or crackhead husband- being helped just fine.
So needless to say this day was not going too well at all.
Dave and I were talking about what we're going to do- we need to move- but with what money? We need a buyout- but who would buy us out? If we moved out of the city- my daughter would lose her services. But it'd be better to lose her services than be evicted from our house.
Then a small fire happened in the kitchen- don't worry we're okay.
It was a grease fire on top of the stove- I was able to put it out easily- but the smell has yet to leave even hours later.
As I'm cleaning my burnt stove- I thank God that it wasn't worse.
But I'm asking for a miracle- a real miracle- not money to get us barely through the month- but to get us out of this situation.
I tell you one thing- being in this situation for so long- makes me really want to help the homeless and clean up the shelters- so that they are a safe place for people who need to be there.
Everyone is so quick to save a dog, cat or animal, and that's great- I want to save them too- but what about the people- that are dying of neglect and poverty- not overseas- but in our own neighborhood-
Being so close to be homeless- puts things in perspective. I've had this perspective for a long time now. Different things drive me- than what drives others.
Most have never been near eviction, or didn't have any money for food.
They don't know what to say to me when I tell them my situation.
I usually get the "oh, don't worry everything's gonna be okay."
They say this just because they really don't want to think about it- they just want to put a loose band-aid on it- and make me feel better.
But it's crap. If I met someone in my position- I'd be different- If it was in my power to help even a little- I would. I wouldn't say everything's gonna be okay- I'd make it okay for them.
I choose helping people in need over a puppy.
Sorry puppies- you're cute and all- and loveable- but someone will most likely fall in love with you and adopt you- no one adopts a grown homeless man do they?

Asking for a miracle...

Being real poor- not Rich man's poor...

Let me start off by saying it sucks being poor. Now when I say poor- and mean POOR.
Not rich man's poor like Nicholas Cage or any celebrity claiming to be poor. Or poor like my evil grandmother, but poor- so poor I'm several months behind on my bills. My family had to borrow money from my evil grandmother- she works hand in hand with the devil, I'm sure. Now before you go judging me- you have to know something about me. One- I love my family more than anything or anyone. We work like a hive- dependent on one another- my mom, dad, sister, husband and my two young children.
I'm a very loyal person and it takes a lot to get on my bad side. I have two grandmothers- one who has dementia and means the world to me- the other, my father's mother- treats my family like horse sh*t- actually less than. She has never helped us out of the goodness of her heart- because frankly her heart is black and cold. She thinks I live in a fantasy world because she won't ever except her son's (my father) flaws and thinks I'm making things up. My father and I have had a very rough relationship. The details I will not say here- in my blog- but maybe one day in a book I plan to write about my life someday.
She is an evil woman who doesn't do anything just to help- everything she does she expects things in return even from the penny less.
Getting back to what I was talking about earlier- it takes a lot for me to hate someone. But my grandmother falls into that category.
We borrowed money from her so we wouldn't be evicted- yup things are that bad.
We're looking for someone to buy us out of this apartment so we could move somewhere way more affordable- somewhere to call our own- and not be afraid of being evicted from. To be able to keep our heads way above water- which seems impossible at this moment in time.
We borrowed money from her- and I, alone, have to pay her back a large sum of money monthly until the debt is paid.
This sum of money- is way more than I can afford. We have no money for food or our bills. I go to a food pantry to make sure my family can eat.
She claims she is "poor"- yet she has never been behind on a single payment in her entire life and grew up being a socialite. I hate when rich people claim to be poor.
Their idea of poor doesn't include food stamps, going to a food pantry, or governmental disability assistance in mind.
Poor is my life. I work everyday on trying to get out of this horrible, nightmare of a situation- but being poor is a trap- it's like a hamster wheel. A never ending hellish nightmare. Which makes me worry sick, day in and out.
This evil woman would rather my family go hungry and be out on the streets than not be paid back.
But I have to believe that God is just and swift and those that do wrong- will get what they have coming to them.
I'm waiting for that moment. That moment where her delusions of being a good person and mother will come crumbling down- and she will see all the hurt and pain she has caused. She will one day feel remorse and regret. One day and hopefully soon before it's too late.
I pray daily to god to help me better my family's life.
Thank you all for listening and for your understanding.
Love you all.
God bless you.