Friday, December 24, 2010

Quick Christmas eve blog!



Hey Everyone!!!
Sorry it's been a few days!

Just wanted to write a very quick blog post for today.

Violet and Levi met Santa!!! At Violet's school!
Violet tried to pull down Santa's beard!
And Levi screamed in fear!

Violet's school sent home her "communication book".
The minute she got home- she pulled out her book to show me what she wanted.
She pointed to "I want" photo and then the "Goldfish" photo.
I almost cried I was so proud of her.
And I went through the entire kitchen to find that damn bag of Goldfish crackers!
Thank goodness we had it! Could you imagine? The first time she requests something from me- and I DON'T have it?!

For the past few days my asthma has been acting up getting worse and worse.
I've been dizzy and wheezing. Fun Times!
But I can sit back now- because I finished cooking Christmas dinner.

BTW I totally went ape shit fucking nuts- because I had nothing I needed to start cooking.
Now I understand  why my mom went crazy all those years EVERY single holiday.

God Bless moms everywhere!

I wish everyone a happy and healthy ( that's the Jewish part of me coming out) Holiday season and a very joyous New Year!!!

*photo of my daughter covered in vanilla pastry cream!!! She's so happy!

Lots of love to all!

Kisses Bitches!!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

More differences between men and women

Example-

I asked Dave over and over again-
while he was on the Netflix menu on Kayla's PlayStation 3-
while he was scrolling through the list of shitty movies on instant play

Please, please please- go to the list of TV shows!
Over and over again-
Until I lost it and said to him
"If you don't go the the TV menu soon, I will punch you in the balls!"

To which to then looked at my mom and asked her if I talked like this to everyone?

My mom answered "YES!"

I really don't know exactly what my point was-
but I thought this was funny-
and very typical.

Women- first comes polite questions- then comes violence!

Men- Violence first- questions later???

Maybe.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*I enjoy this photo- it makes me laugh.
But I actually don't have a problem with breakfast in bed- I do that for my family a lot-
so then they are AWAKE and have no excuse to not come in the living room afterwards and help me with the kids!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Obsessed with Hair- and products


I've always been obsessed with all things hair related-
hair removal-
hair care products
wigs
accessories
colors
styles
cuts

you name it.
Back when I was babysitting as a kid I'd use most of my money to try out new hair care products- including different colors, conditioners, shampoos- etc.

I used to be an EXPERT on all things hair.
TRULY!

I used to practically live in Ricky's NYC (beauty stores)
It was my candy store!

Now, having been a mom for a few years now-
I haven't been as dedicated to the hair scene as I was before.
But I have learn many new things.

In my lifetime- I've had almost every single hairstyle known to man-
oh yes- it's true
you name it- I've done it

weaves
braids
dreadlocks
every color imaginable- natural and Unnatural!
Bleached
Every hair length- including bald (about 6 or 7 times!) Except I have never grown my hair past my butt
Curly
Straight
Relaxed
permed
razored
I even had the word "Princess" shaved into my hair many years ago- because that was the nickname my girlfriend gave me a long time ago.

Like I said- I've DONE IT ALL!!!

This also is a very typical symptom of me being bipolar-
I change my mind all the time- I go through fashion phases- almost every month- even daily!
Back in the day I even colored my hair THREE times in ONE DAY!
Yeah-I'm Bipolar!!! FOR SURE!

Having done all this- yes I have had my hair fall out-
surprising when my hair wasn't chemically treated at all and was completely all-natural.
(Thyroid issues)

I now have several favorite GO-TO products.
Especially for curly hair.
My hair is very curly and very coarse
White girl- hair products didn't do the job for my hair-
and I finally tried some (don't ask me why they call it this- it's so stupid!) "Ethnic" hair care products.
Now I found the ones in the drugstore- weren't very good.
They were greasy and smelled bad.
I've used them ALL.

Now I have my favorites-
my daughter, Violet, has hair similar to mine, it's extremely curly- but it's fine baby hair at the moment.
But we still are able to use the same products.
I get complements on how GOOD my daughter smells- ALL THE TIME!
And that sh smells good enough to eat!

Now that's a compliment!!!
I always tell them it's her hair creme.

I'm giving away my secret now-
http://www.amazon.com/Curly-Custard-Moisturizing-Cream/dp/B001NX98TW/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1292511844&sr=8-4

I used to only be able to find it at Ricky's- but I recently found it on amazon! Wooohooo!
Since there's no Ricky's near me in Brooklyn. Boo-hoo!

I LOVE this product- and it styles and conditions at the same time- and smell like vanilla cake!!!
YUM!
 I also find this product is great for kids!!!
I put it on my daughter's hair before school/ and or going outside.
It's a great way to PROTECT against LICE!
LICE HATE "Dirty hair" meaning- the only like freshly cleaned, no product used in, hair!
You learned something new now didn't ya?!

It's about $13. Now before you say- how expensive it is- because it is costly ( I'm POOR I KNOW THIS), it lasts for MONTHS and MONTHS!! You only need a little bit! It saves money in the long run!

My next fave product-
This one is about $10 and can be bought at target or http://www.target.com/

http://www.target.com/Shea-Moisture-Restorative-Trauma-Masque/dp/B0038U4U3M/ref=sc_qi_detaillink

It is SO GREAT for my hair and really leaves it healthy looking and feels really soft!
LOVE LOVE LOVE this product!!

Next is a NEW favorite brand of hair care products for me:
Carol's Daughter!
http://www.carolsdaughter.com/Portal.aspx

Now these products can get costly- but if you buy one at a time- (usually around $10) or as a gift set- it saves you some money.

These products smell SO SUPER GOOD!!!!
And they make my hair look amazing! Curly, shiny and defined!!!
Especially the spray leave-in conditioners!!!

I find it leaves my hair even more curly than any other creme or hair lotion

Another oldie- but goodie product I've liked for a very long long long time-
Is by bedhead called Curls ROCK amplifier!

http://www.amazon.com/Bed-Head-Catwalk-Curls-Amplifier/dp/B000VZ9UFU
I was recommended this by a old Ricky's worker ( years ago) when they actually knew about the products they were selling (now dare to ask a question and all you get are blank stares!)

Now for Shampoo:
This is a tricky one- most shampoos are very drying for coarse hair.
The more expensive ones always seem to work better- but who can afford a $30 shampoo?!!!!

My old fave shampoo/conditioner/ practically every product was by kerastase!
REALLY EXPENSIVE products!! You'd make a killing with commission selling these products!
And they DO work- but I found the shampoo made my face breakout (years ago) so I stopped using them.
I have very sensitive skin- I'm allergic to practically everything out there!

So I decided to go the Sulfate-FREE route-
Even high end products- sulfate free- isn't very easy to fin- it's getting easier- but not quite there yet.
I tried L'Oreals sulfate free reconstructive shampoo-
and the verdict is- I FREAKING LOVE THIS PRODUCT
 This shampoo you can get basically in every drugstore on the planet- well at least MOST of them anyways.
It's $6.99!
And it lasts a long time! A few months at least!
It's didn't dry out my hair, or make me break out. It smells good and leaves my hair extra soft.


So that's my list for now- Hopefully I'll have new fave products coming soon.
I'm not making any money off recommending these products-
I just thought it would be nice to share with all of you-
since I get asked these questions a lot by my friends.

Peace, Love, and Hair picks!!!
Kisses Bitches!

Holla to all my curly hair friends out there!!!

One of the longest and best days ever!!!


Yesterday was a very long long day.
I hadn't slept in two whole days- so I was blurry eyed all day.
But it was a day of miracles!
Dave the night before, injured his wrist and knee, doing repairs in the apartment and was unable to come yesterday with me and Levi to his IFSP ( early intervention meeting) near Wall Street in the city at 9 in the morning.
I had to wake Kayla up much earlier than usual, around 6 a.m. because we had to leave at 7:30 to make sure we got to the meeting on time.
Kayla was going cross eyed since she was so exhausted.
I was wiped out! I hadn't slept in two days- Levi had been up every single hour for two nights in a row-
I didn't get to nap at all during those days- I had too many things to do.
The day before I took Levi and Dave to a new school- this school was for Levi- not Violet.
I fell in love with this school!
The people there, the place- everything.
I find that even though I've been through this process before- I still know absolutely NOTHING!
I'm learning new things every single day!!!!
There is so much out there for Autistic kids now, and their families!!!
It's beautiful!!
Anyways- back to yesterday-
The IFSP meeting went GREAT!!!
Everyone was on the same page.
Levi's new school ( he hasn't started yet) sent a coordinator to the meeting.
She was wonderful- and will help me get all the free services that are out there- for my kids!
Including getting straight medicaid! This would be a godsend! We've always had such a hard time finding doctors for my children that take our insurance.
She was so helpful! I knew- during that meeting- it was meant to be that I moved to Brooklyn.
Without moving here- I wouldn't have met these wonderful people.
The coordinator from the school, informed me about a "sitting service" ( like babysitting) for kids with autism!!! They take straight medicaid!!! It'll be a process to get all these services- but it gives me hope.
That maybe, just maybe, I could have some help. And get some relief!!!
I cried at the meeting- because I was so moved by everyone's help.
And they saw how I've been struggling.
Then again, I hadn't slept for two whole days!!!
This was by far the best IFSP meeting I ever had!!!
After the meeting we (Kayla, Levi and I) headed to McDonald's which was across the street for Violet's school.
There were only 3 kids in her class yesterday- so I bought Happy Meals for everyone!
For kids- that don't show emotion very well-
They sure looked happy to see McDonald's for lunch!!
One of Violet's best buddies CLAPPED for joy!!!
They are the best kids I've ever met- I love them all so much.
Lindsay, her best buddy came up to me and hugged me when she saw me!
This was Kayla's first time seeing Violet's school- she smiled from ear to ear the entire time we were there!!!
( about 3 hours!!)
Levi was allowed to play with all the toys and go to the sensory room.
He LOVED it so much!!!
And they loved him.
This is where Levi will go to school when he turns 3! For sure!
Violet was SO happy to see us there!!! We surprised her!!!
Apparently, she's been talking!!! Yup, talking in school.
She says some things- like- "Go away", "stop!", "cookie", she even tries to say her speech therapist's name- Stacey- but it sounds more like- "Ki-Ki"
She even has a communication board- with photos of words, objects and people she knows!!
Yesterday she pointed- by herself- to the "I" photo, "WANT" ( photo with the word on it) and "nuggets!" (photo of chicken nuggets!!!) When she wanted her chicken nuggets!!!!
I freaked out!!!!
She is so smart!!!
I cried- sobbed- when they showed me what she's been doing- and that she's been doing so well trying to communicate her wants and needs!!
It was a day of miracles for me.
You have no idea- what this day was like for me- emotionally.
To see, that my daughter understands things!!! Just made my heart explode!
The way home- wasn't has pleasant- it was freezing outside!!
And Kayla and I couldn't carry both the kids and the double stroller on the train/ or bus to go home. We needed a cab!
But no cab would take us to Brooklyn!
I was freaking out!! Violet was crying she was so cold- every place was jam packed with people- it was a nightmare-
I cut myself on the stroller and was bleeding all over my daughter while trying to keep her warm-
My blood all over her pants and jacket- it looked a bit like a horror movie after a while.
I scrambled all the loose change and money Kayla and I had- and FINALLY- Kayla got a gypsy cab.
He was wonderful- and definitely another miracle for me- yesterday!
He saved Kayla, my kids and I from frostbite.
I'd never seen Violet so cold before! EVER!
On the ride to home- I looked at Violet, and started talking with her.
I asked if she was excited we came to her school? Is Stacey her favorite?
And she did something she's never ever done before!
She looked me in the eye (EYE CONTACT!!!) and held my hand and snuggled with me- because I FINALLY understood her.
I'm getting teary eyed right now- writing this.
It's like she's been trying to tell me things all along- and I just didn't "get it".
But now I knew- she did understand- and she was happy.
That's all I ever needed to know.
She is my angel.
And of course Levi is too.
I thank God for them everyday- without them- I am nothing- truly.


Thanks for listening to my long freaking blog.

God bless you all,
I hope the holidays bring you everything you wish for and more!!!

*photo of Violet- very happy- at school. with her teacher and the classroom "smartboard" in the background.
She REALLY knows how to use the smartboard- perfectly.
One day- I would love to own a smartboard!! The day I win the lottery, right?!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Diagnosis and Christmas


Levi was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS, with "the most severe symptoms of autism".
He's under two years old- and they don't diagnose most kids with Autism this early.
Everyone I tell, goes "Awww" or "Shit!" or "Fuck!!!"
I'm always surprised and kind of amused by this reaction.
I went through all this with Violet over two years ago.
I went through a whole week of crying thinking- "What did I do during my pregnancy that caused this?" Or just flat out "How did I cause this?"
Blaming myself- most parents go through this in the beginning.
I'm way past this stage. Even though people ask me all the time "Do I know what caused it in both my kids? Did I do something different?" All the usual inappropriate questions people ask.
These things happen- yes and it happened twice to me.
But I don't ever wish for my kids to be different than what they are.
Yeah, Levi cries a lot and bangs his head a lot, but he also makes me laugh so much and loves me more than I ever believed possible.
Violet is also hilarious!! And has the very best laugh I've ever heard in my entire life!
I love them both so much- just the way they are- I don't believe in "curing" them.
This is so stupid to me. And I believe it makes the kids feel that they are "wrong" in some way.
Now Levi will be getting a lot more therapy and might even go to a school for two hours a day.
It's a big change for him, but I know it helps a lot in the end.
Many of my friends have no clue how to "handle" my kids.
When we're in a restaurant all together- and my daughter is eating cream cheese with her fingers and there's cream cheese all over her hair and face! The whole time- smiling and laughing to herself- just SO darn happy!
Levi crying in the highchair.
They get embarrassed.
This is so ridiculous to me- I mean "GET OVER IT!"
Where I go- my kids go- that's just the way things are.
I don't have money for babysitters- plus I don't trust anyone with taking proper care of my children. I knew many babysitters and they were a disgrace!
Especially since I babysat for over 13 years!!! I would've done anything for these kids- I treated them like they were my own. They even slept over my house.
I would've taken a bullet for them- yeah- when I take care of a child- that's the way it goes and is supposed to be- kid- first, YOU- LAST!
If you don't feel this way- DON'T take care of kids! You SUCK at it!!! Give UP!
Seriously! You suck!
That's why I don't trust nannies or babysitters.
But like I said- I can't afford them anyways.
I barely trust my family watching my kids.
Especially since Levi is even more destructive to himself lately.
He feel on his head twice in five minutes last night- thank goodness for carpeting!!!
I love my kids- and yes it is a challenge shopping with them and running errands- but that's what I gotta do.
Plus I miss them when they're not with me.
EXCEPT for last night- when I went to the supermarket by myself for a few things (seltzer I cannot live without you- you complete me!!!).
The kids were with Dave and Kayla at home.
I smiled at everyone, started conversations and went through every single aisle just plain HAPPY.
Everyone smiled back- and was so super nice!
It only lasted a few minutes- the shopping experience- but it was bliss!!
We got our Christmas Tree yesterday and put it together (fake of course- otherwise my kids would be EATING the TREE!!!)
Levi was rocking back and forth smiling staring at the lights on the tree, Violet was even teaching him NOT to pull the lights on the tree. She just pulled his hand away from the lights and said "Nah nah nah" In her sweet little baby girl voice!!
It was exciting!
We haven't put the ornaments on the tree yet- I'll be taking photos and recording when we do!
This is the first year that Violet is aware of Christmas. It's really special.


Kisses Bitches!

So don't say "Awww" or pity me- that's stupid.
All I ask is that you understand. That's all.
Not TOO difficult, right?

*photo of Levi with a christmas tree hat in a shopping cart

Monday, December 6, 2010

oh my! Oh me oh my!


Yesterday was INSANE!
Yeah I know, most of my days usually are- but really this was nuts!!
Dave, Kayla, my kids and I went to the nearby mall yesterday.
Kayla and I needed winter boots desperately and we wanted to get the kids some toys for the holidays.
The mall was packed- but that didn't bother me that much- what really frazzled me was Levi who screamed straight yesterday for about five hours!!!
My kids get days like these, I can't really do anything about it- just get through it.
Violet on the other hand was fantastic while shopping, she was happy and very well behaved!
Thank goodness!
I didn't get much shopping done because of Lee's screaming.
Afterwards we went to Loews' across the street from the mall. I had to pick up a  few things for the new place.
After an hour and half there going through aisles- I was going to drop!
Pass the fuck out- I was just pushing through it because Dave was still shopping, or at least looking around for things he needed.
Levi was STILL screaming!
At Loews's they have this "buggy" cart for kids- with a two steering wheels- it's very cute- and I'm very thankful for this invention! TRULY!!
I put Levi and Violet in this wonderful cart.
Levi has some issues with Violet- mainly because every time she sees him in the house she pushes him down to the floor- laughing hysterically. She thinks this is SO funny!
Levi is a very sensitive little boy- Dave and I say one day he'll be captain...of his tea party. While Violet is captain of the football team, the soccer team, track team- you get what I'm saying.
The minute I put Violet right next to Levi in the cart- Levi started pushing her away crying even more!
I,of course told Levi "NO". This Levi still has no concept of- the word "no" is like I'm speaking an alien language to him.
Violet was just looking at him, like "What is your problem?"
She still has no clue why Levi gets upset around her- at all.
Violet was holding a musical ornament that she kept playing over and over again- while Levi is crying banging his head against the steering wheel!
At one point lee was "driving" the cart holding both steering wheels- while Violet was obsessed with her ornament.
Hilarious!!!
You all know, my son is a head banger.
The steering wheel was soft- so there wasn't any worries- but he looked like a baby with road rage!
I had to laugh! So here I was laughing pushing this crazy looking "buggy cart" with both my kids- one of them screaming and banging his head against the wheel!
I looked like the worst mom in the world- I'm used to this look.
People look at me- like I can't "control" my kids because they don't understand that my kids are autistic!
Fuck 'em!!! That's what I say!
I told Dave we got to go home, I was going to pass out- and I had to get home and make dinner.
We called a car service- it's only $5 from the store.
We rang up everything at the cashier- the woman was such a cunt!
But I pushed it off- people have bad days- I understand this.
Then the car came- LATE. While my kids and I are freezing waiting forever for this damn car.
We were three adult two babies.
The guy said we were "too many people".
I said " But my kids are babies- they're small and will sit on our laps, it's only a few blocks"
He yelled at me "They're STILL PEOPLE!!!"
Are you kidding me???!!!
So I sent Dave, Kayla and my kids in the car with most of the packages.
There was no room for one of the strollers.
Plus it's pitch black outside- about 20 degrees,  I have no gloves, or hat- just a coat and a fucking empty stroller! I practically ran- 13 very unfamiliar blocks.
Before you get mad at Dave, it was my decision to send him home. He has a busted knee, and him, my kids and my sister mean more to me- than myself- any day.
I got home only a few minutes after they did- yeah I'm fast!
On the way there I saw this HUGE guy- looking all kinds of wrong-
I saw him, he saw me- on an empty sidewalk- I followed my instincts- and ran right into the street- with my empty stroller.
Yeah at this point- he thought I was FUCKING nuts- so he didn't follow me.
 Is stopped by a lotto place- thinking "oh man, THIS must be my lucky fucking day, Right?!" (sarcastically of course) I had three dollars in my pocket- I bought 3 tickets.
The guys at the counter looked at me and the empty stroller.
I told him I had been kicked out of a car, because the crazy driver said there were "too many people".
He asked how many blocks do I have to walk in the cold home?
I answered "Around thirteen".
He shook his head in awe- and wished me a lot of luck!
I finally got home, Dave was still loading bags into the house.
When I got settled- hands frozen- I realized I never had my phone with me- man I was SO lucky!
Dave tells me that he almost KILLED the driver!
The driver wasn't helping Dave unload the bags while Dave was holding Levi- so Dave snapped!
And threatened the driver " If you don't help me with these goddamn bags, I swear I will bust your fucking head in!"
Then yelled at my sister "Bring me Mister Rogers!!!"
Before you think Dave is out of his mind- we call our wooden baseball bat ( at least 20 lbs heavy), "Mister Rogers". We find this hilarious!
When the guy heard Dave yell at Kayla, he started hustling and moving the bags really fast!
Dave shouted "If you break anything in these bags and will bust your fucking kneecaps!"
The guy was so scared at this point.
Kayla had forgotten to get Mister Rogers- and thank goodness because Dave would've killed him.
Dave the whole time was thinking of all the horrible things that could have happened to me- driving him into madness, truthfully.
I know for certain- Dave loves me more than anything on the planet- even though we argue, I know this to my core.
He would kill for me, die for me- you name it.
He's obsessive this way.
And I appreciate it.
I was shocked when I heard what happened.
Even more shocked when I found out my mom had cooked and I didn't have to!
Woohoooo!
I sat the kids in their highchairs and we all ate everything so fast!
I had been awake since 6 a.m.- it had been a very "full" day for me-
Dave and I passed the fuck out the minute the kids did- at 8:45 p.m.
Sleep didn't last long- and we ended up awake most of the night tending to Violet- who made up for being so good that day, by keeping us hopping all night long. hahaha!
I even cleared out the refrigerator at four a.m!
I had time on my hands!



That was my insane day!!!
How was yours???


Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo that Kayla took of my kids and I in Loews

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Stuff n' Shit



Hey guys and gals.
This past week was CRAZY!!!
Both my parents have been insane.
I think everyone here has lost their minds COMPLETELY!
DO you ever have this moment where you realize your parents- or even just one- wish you never existed?
Yeah I get this a lot.
Not from my mom, although on Thanksgiving during all the drama in the kitchen, my mom turned to me and yells "You wanna know why I crazy?! YOU'RE the REASON that I yell and scream all the time!"
She said this with this insane look in her eyes- like she'd been in prison at some point.
At this point I just had to laugh my ass off, I replied "So I'm the reason you're CRAZY?!"
She responded "YES!!! YOU ARE!"
I turned to Dave and just laughed and laughed and laughed, my mom had finally snapped!
But back to my dad, the one I know for certain wishes I never existed.
I bet he wishes he never married either. Or has the "shitty life" he thinks he has.
I know he blames me for us moving from his "precious, wonderful, Manhattan apartment".
According to him- he sacrificed everything for his family.
Which to me- is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard in my life.
It didn't matter to him that my kids and I weren't sick all the time- or that our room was covered in mold, that our stove didn't work and leaked gas, that the paint all over the house was chipping, the cabinets and sinks were rotting. None of this mattered to him.
The only thing that mattered to him was that stupid shit hole of an apartment and that it was in Manhattan.
I grew up with my dad being an absolute prick. He was angry all the time and would break things with his head!!! Bash his head against the walls when he was angry while screamng at me- This STILL wasn't the worst thing he did to me. There was- oh so much- more still. He always terrified me.
Not until I was around 14 did I start to fight back and yell and scream at him.
I always told Dave, that the man- he met- my father- about 12 years ago- was a sweet little innocent kitten compared to the way he was years before.
Ever since we moved my dad has been a maniac.
He was fighting with me all the time about everything and anything.
It was really pissing me off.
Because no matter ALL the shit he's done to me over the years- I STILL try not to fight with him.
It's pointless.
The last time we really went to blows- and I almost punched him, was a few years ago, when Violet was around a year old.
If it hadn't been for Dave practically catching me in mid flight to jump-punch him int he face (I think I've played mortal combat a few too many times), I would've killed him.
I was just about to lose my fucking cool with him yet again, until Dave took him aside- and basically threatened to "Karate chop" my dad in the balls (TRUTH!!!) That my dad backed down a wee bit.
My dad isn't afraid of anyone- which is SO ridiculous to think this- except Dave.
He's seen Dave lose his temper- and Dave is the one person- other than me- people should be scared of.
See I'm more a scrappy crazy- like a crackhead (but I'm not obviously!). You never know what's gonna make me snap- and what I'm gonna fucking hit with you with.
Dave is more- the I'm really big and intimidating and looks like he has serious anger issues- he could probably crush someone's skull with his bare hands- I'm sure of this.
My dad and me- we don't mix.
I try to stay as calm as possible with him.
To me- he's still a child. He reacts like a child.
I TRY my very best to stay calm with him and not get pissed off by everything single crazy thing he says.

On another note we are getting settled in our place.
Still trying to figure out our surroundings- but we're getting better.
Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary to Dave- the anniversary of our hack wedding at city hall.
Such a bad day for us- it was pouring rain we were fighting- I was scared shitless! I was as white as a ghost!
Dave was screaming at me saying "You don't want to marry me??!"
Yeah- it was a bad day.
My dad showed up in a stained shirt and pants- trying to have us hurry up because he needed to get back to his office ( it was only a couple of floors UP in the same building!).
My mom was late- but showed up with flowers for us- I thought she was going to miss my hack wedding!
My dad and mom weren't talking or getting along.
My mom couldn't figure out how to work the video camera, the judge couldn't get my name right.
All together the wedding wasn't more than a minute long.
We were BROKE- so we went to the dinner for a piece of shitty cake.
Fun times....NOT!
Did I mention I was four months pregnant with Violet at the time? And nauseous?!

And here we are today four years later- and it's pouring rain yet again.
Wooohooo!
Fun times. Fun times.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*photo found on google images.
YEAH- I TOTALLY HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

MOVING- the ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE!!! Part one


Hey guys and gals!!
I know it's been awhile-
but things have been madness!
If I wasn't in Brooklyn right now- as I told my family yesterday- I would've committed myself to an institution. No joke, I've done it before- well not really committed myself- more like OTHERS had me committed. But this time it would be voluntary!!!
Oh my goodness this week was one of the WORST ever!!!
Saturday was moving day for my kids, Dave and I.
Karen showed up in the morning with a u-haul truck.
And almost NOTHING WAS PACKED!!!
My parents had left their ENTIRE room and closets for ME to pack that fucking morning!!!
My mom has been suffering from depression for a long time now- but this past week, was one of her worst ever.
So nothing was getting done.
Dave and I only got about one hour worth of sleep before we got up and starting packing again and moving boxes and boxes of SHIT!
Plus- we weren't moving any furniture-
We hired Karen's cousin, son and his friend to help us move.
God bless them they were awesome!!!
The landlord (of my old building) KNEW we were moving Saturday- but apparently "forgot" to tell us moving wasn't allowed on weekends in our building (why??Only god knows at this point!)
So we were moving things- and then BAM!!
We were told we weren't allowed to use the front door- we would have to go out the service entrance- with very heavy boxes up and down creaky old metal stairs!!! YEAH, a nightmare!!!
My asshole corrupt super- I swear, is the son of the devil at this point- but way way way more stupid- shut down the elevator!!! Wait...get this...with Dave still inside!!!!
What a bitch?! Right?!
Dave then presses the fire alarm and Karen calls the cops- because at this point our stupid freaking asshole super is STOPPING us from MOVING!!! Totally ILLEGAL!!!!
The cops arrive and Karen and Dave are talking to them, then they talk to our super.
Dave tells me I should talk to the cops- why? I have no idea.
I see the cops talking to the super- and he's talking about pressing charges- against...ME!
The cops start talking to me, without the super there.
They automatically HATE my guts- again, why? I have no clue.
I started crying at this point because I was so stressed. Everyone was yelling at me, both my parents screaming at me on the phone- because apparently- whatever I was doing- packing the entire apartment- wasn't good enough. And my mom was MAD at me. All this craziness didn't make any type of sense whatsoever!
I was crazed at this point!
I start crying while telling the cops I have two autistic kids waiting for me to come to our new home in Brooklyn, they're with my mom, sister and father at our new place.
They start saying that if our super presses charges...for wait it...TRESPASSING!! In my OWN APARTMENT?!!!!
I would be arrested right then and there!!!
I was so confused!!!
This was madness!!!
At this point I didn't even care- I was going to be arrested!
The first call I would make is to the papers- saying- they were arresting a disabled person (me!), mother of TWO autistic kids- for....TRESPASSING in her OWN FUCKING APARTMENT!!!
Our super "decided" not to press charges and somehow I HAD TO PAY $50!! To the guy working the service elevator ( a really nice guy) because our super shut down the fucking ELEVATORS!!!
I fucking LOATHE this piece of shit guy!!!
Meanwhile he's a fucking criminal- and was "for some reason" in the office the previous night, at midnight with his wife "clearing out papers"...hummmmm sounds fishy right??? What a fucking crook.
After all that- I'm crying in my mom's room trying to finish packing, sobbing my brains out- my mom screaming at me- for almost being arrested.
This is how she deals with stress.
I couldn't take it at that point.
Thank god I have kids- because I would've fucking killed myself right there.
I'm bipolar-HELLO! I have my breaking point!
We had FINALLY gotten everything packed and filled the truck to the brim with boxes.
My dad had to come back to Manhattan to stay in our near empty apartment, so the super wouldn't change our locks! My parents weren't gonna get the check from the landlord until Monday morning and we wanted to make fucking sure they fucking got that fucking CHECK already!!!
I couldn't wait for this day to be over already!!!
We got stuck in traffic for a long while- and then arrived at our new place. PHEW!
Then we had to carry all the boxes up a flight of stairs yet again.
We were all dead at this point. Beyond dead- we were ZOMBIES!
Mom, Kayla, and the kids were happy to see me an I was so happy to see them.
Dave was in so much pain from all the heavy lifting.
Dave took a shower for the first time in our new home. The drain was clogged and all this grime and shit came up from the drain- EWWW!
This was the start to everything falling a part on us. This is officially the movie "The Money Pit!!!!"
Our window is broken, the washing machine wasn't installed correctly- so we had a flood yesterday from the washing machine, and so did the dentist's office underneath us.
All this wasn't our fault. Our new landlord hired very cheap construction workers, who didn't do a good job. So everything here is done half fast.
Man, I love this place- but I really want to own a home already so I never have to deal with a landlord ever again.
The grill that was left here- fell apart because apparently it was made over a million years ago.
Just fell into DUST!!!
Crazy, right?!
The shower head popped off in the middle of a shower last night hosing the bathroom down. Oy Vey!!!
The garbage guys screamed at me yesterday morning telling me, I was going to get a summons for all the garbage!
Everyone was biting my head off, including Dave.
We were fighting, I was just DONE! DONE with everything.
I was going to go food shopping for thanksgiving yesterday..until Dave lost the debit card!!! And we had to shut down the account. So thanksgiving was going to be cancelled!
I was beyond my breaking point- I was losing my fucking mind.
I hate crying and that's all I've been doing for almost 5 days already!!!
Thank God we were able to get a little out of the account- to at least buy some food today.
Karen's going to pick me up and we're going to get some food for tomorrow.

****I wrote all the above, this morning. So much has happened since then!****

-Dave thought he was dying (panic attack)
-The construction workers lied to our landlord telling him we're so many people living here- like 10 people!!
-I had a panic attack
-I was ready to kill myself

Just listing a few things that happened today- so my blog isn't 40 pages.

Much more to come...
Nervous fucking breakdown number 568 happened today! But who's keeping track, right?

Kisses Bitches!!!
Hoping everyone, including me, has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!!

lots of love and hugs to all!!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Welcome to my LIFE!!!



Karen, my darling, is not used to my family just yet.
Marco on the other hand- knows my family's madness and is used to it.
My therapist for YEARS- even to this very day- wants my family and I to have a reality t.v. show-
she said there would be something for everyone-
The poor, the autistic, the deaf, the bipolars, the gay community, the mentally insane, the moms struggling out there- you name it! We got EVERY reality show beat by a long shot!
You all know my family and I are moving- all together.
My two deaf parents (they say they are hard-of-hearing- but we ALL know better ;), my autistic sister with a heart condition, my two special needs kids (autistic), and my "yet to be diagnosed" husband (he said this himself).
My dad, as every knows is losing his mind- truthfully. Dementia here he comes, no joke!
He is all over the place! I'm just surprised he finds his way home everyday.
Yesterday Karen ordered some food for my mom and dad, at a nearby place- to pick up.
She tells my dad to run in and pick up the order "for Karen".
He says "For Karen?"
"Yes, for Karen".
He comes out of the restaurant with a small plastic bag-
Karen asked "Where the food??!!!"
He replied "right here! Two sandwiches!"
"ummm, Jeff that's not what I ordered!!!! You didn't pick up what I ordered".
My dad gets pissed off because breakfast costs $14 for two people. He actually bitched and moaned about this.
Karen told me the story- I told her "THIS IS MY LIFE!!! DAY IN AND OUT!!! 24/7 CRAZY TOWN!"
He never ever follows direction, he does everything opposite!
My mom wasn't doing so well yesterday either. She hung up the phone on us about three times.
And she wasn't listening to a word we were saying!! It was so frustrating!!!
Again, I should be used to this by now, but I never am.
My mom asked Dave where he was- he said "In the car on the way to Brooklyn to meet up with you".
She asked again where he was, over and over again-
he then responded "I'm running down the highway Helene!!! Running to Brooklyn!"
Karen, Marco and I were laughing so freakin' hard!!!
We couldn't stop!
This is a typical conversation with my family- very typical.
I think we are all from another planet or something.
We get there- she decided to put the computer in a different place then we wanted. Even though I'd told her over five times where it should go.
Everyone was screaming.
Did I mention my parents are deaf?!
This means they think everyone ELSE is deaf too! So they scream everything!!!
It's madness, I tell you- madness!
I'm starving at this point- saying I'm so hungry I might eat a small puppy if someone didn't help me get some damn food SOON!
I don't know my way around my neighborhood, or any part of Brooklyn for that matter. I have to learn everything from scratch! Very scary for me!
Dave decides to put the highchairs together- in the middle of the hallway- I have no clue why.
We're trying to get out of the house- to go eat and to the carpet store before they closed.
My mom is screaming what's the carpet store's name!!!
I yell out "Carpet munchers!!!"
Marco's hysterically laughing, everyone else is confused-
This is my life!!!
We got to the carpet store- but we didn't have the measurements with us- we had left it back at the house!
OY VEY!
I was going to pick out anything at this point- I needed FOOD NOW!
Levi was biting me he was so hungry! OUCH!
I decided to get out of the car with the kids and my sister and head to McDonald's for some quick grub.
I'm ordering there for about 9 people-
The women looked at me " At this point you should've just cooked."
"Well I am ordering for almost 9 people. Though I think I could eat this all by myself at this point"- I said laughing- but it was the truth!
I then said to her- "I'm in the middle of moving, I have no food, or cookware in my house yet- so McD's will just have to do."
She apologized, and understood. After that she was super nice to me.
I told her "I'm poor and moving int he neighborhood. You'll be seeing a lot of me. Plus can you imagine how much this would have cost from a diner?!!
She laughed!! Because we both knew the truth to that!
The cable guy was at our house for hours!! "I asked him if he's ready to kill himself yet?"
He laughed- but I could see in his eyes- He wanted to!
Karen picks us up at McDonald's, and then we head back to the house.
The kids are running around- we are trying to figure out the t.v. to put on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
We're putting baby gates together- and cribs. It was insane. The whole time my mom is having a nervous breakdown and my dad is mumbling to himself- something- I have no clue what nor do I care at this point.
I have a splitting migraine and bad cramps- from the new birth control pill. Plus my boobs are growing by the fucking second! No joke!
We tried to get a car service because Karen couldn't drive us home, and it was the kids' bedtime- they were cranky and crying.
The car service didn't give my mom a price quote and then shows up at our house asking for ....get this...$80!!!
We were like, are you crazy?!
You didn't give my mom a price quote, she's deaf, and you show up asking for $80 to take us home?!!!
That started a war with Dave and this stupid driver!
He was taking advantage of my mom being deaf.
CRIMINAL!!!
Don't ever use the car service "Mill Basin" in Brooklyn- their crooks!!! Scumbags!!!
We didn't take the car obviously!!!
Karen was our savior and drove us home. She is my angel!!!
Thank you Karen so much!!!
I owe you BIG TIME!!!
BTW if you are wondering how I know Karen- she's engaged to Marco- my homeboy.
And is the mama of one of the best kids I know, Maya.
I'm so lucky to have them- otherwise I would've committed myself to an institution yesterday.

P.S. - I get a letter from SSI asking me to come in again- twice in one year- nothing has changed. Actually things got worse. I'm still fucking Bipolar and CRAZY! HELLO!!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Wouldn't you watch our reality show???!!!

*found this photo of me- I felt it was appropriate.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

This ALL happened just yesterday!! The madness!


Yesterday was a freakin' comedy.

Dave moved lots of boxes in Karen's mini van yesterday. Karen- you're my angel I love you! Have my babies! (just kidding- well not really.)
Anyways- While Dave was with Karen- I was at home with my sister and two crazy kids.
Violet was trying to kill Levi the entire day!
It was such a struggle to keep Levi alive and well yesterday. My daughter is like the terminator- she feels no remorse or pain, she can't be stopped!

When Dave got home, we had to take the kids out and get some formula for Levi. It was around 6 p.m.
Violet was hungry-
She saw a BIG freakin' box of sugar cookies in Walgreen's and wanted it-
Then came the meltdown!
Full blown meltdown in the middle of Walgreen's!!!
And she smacked me in front of everyone!
Holy shit I was about to lose it!
Not at her- even though she was testing my patience, she's autistic- she doesn't understand.
I wanted to shout to all the onlookers that my kid is autistic and to BACK the FUCK off!

So I get her McDonald's across the street and all is well again.
PHEW!!!
Later that night- we had Indian food.
I LOVE all different types of food! Food is my true love!
Anyhow- Dave ended up farting up a fucking storm- almost gassing me out of the house!
He was killing us all!
So Kayla starts lighting matches to take away the scent- since we had no air freshener.
I take the box from her, not realizing she doesn't blow one of the matches completely out and it was still on fire- right next to the box!
I scream in pain- because I just lit my finger on fire (don't worry- no one can kill me that quick- I AM the fucking TERMINATOR BITCH! BOO-YAH!
I start ragging on my sister- cuz it's FUN! That she tried to kill me and light the whole box of matches on fire!

I go inside to tell my mom- because it's so funny. Reminding her that I'm her favorite daughter- to which she looks at me like I just escaped a fucking institution!  Because I'm NOT her favorite obviously!
Dave yells out to me "You're a snitch! And would've been knifed in prison."

To which I respond- "Or fucked by a really handsome MAN!"
He said "Hello WOMEN'S PRISON!"
"So?! It would've been a very handsome woman. I don't care!"
He replies- "So what happens in prison stays in prison????"
"uh no- it could follow you home and kill you. HELLO!"

Yeah this an a prime example of our usual conversations.
Just when I think the madness has come to an end-
Dave and I are laying in bed- kind of comatose because we're exhausted. The day had murdered us!
He says to me- exactly this:
"I think my dick hole is gonna fart!"
I went "uhhhh- what?! You know you can't fart through your fucking dick hole, right??
"Well that's what it feels like!"
Laughing hysterically I reply "Are you fucking NUTS?!"
He then said " Well you roll the dice, you pay the price."
At this moment I know Dave must be fucking high on methane from his ass at this point.
I answered "What the fuck are you talking about, crazy?!"
"I had Indian food- shit was gonna happen."

Yeah- this was my fucking day

Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Starting...



Started moving boxes and furniture up to the new place today.
We only get maybe an hour or two a day to pack because of the kids.
I have no one to watch them- and if I turn my back for a second- they are trying to kill each other!
Plus Lee and Vi hate the sound of me taping the boxes shut! They scream!!
Both my parents are kind of losing their minds- they are both completely fried mentally- due to the big move.
Last night was rough- the migraines had finally taken their toll on me.
I could barely move- because I was gonna pass out! I tried to walk- bad idea!!!
There was this intense pressure in my head and I couldn't think straight!
These hormone pills and thyroid problems are going to be the death of me for sure!
Plus I think the medications are putting me in heat or something. I didn't even THINK it was possible for me to want sex more often- but I was wrong!
This with the packing- no of course we're not done!- moving- my kids trying to kill each other- the migraines- the arguing- the stress.
BOOM! My head is gonna explode-
oh wait- I'm suppose to think positive-
Everything will be getting better!!!!!

Woohoo- very short blog post.
BTW- I thought I'd just put this out there.
Marriage is....(you fill in the blank).

For me Marriage is ...when each time you roll over in bed, your husband farts in your face in his sleep.
That's marriage.
I'll leave you with this thought for now!
Muahahhahahahahhahaha!


Kisses Bitches!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Where mah bitches at?!


This week has been nuts!
There were a few high points though- one being able to meet up with a few of my girlies that I haven't seen in nearly a year!
We had a beautiful dinner at Lima's Taste (the most amazing restaurant EVER!!!) this past weekend.
It was nice just being out with the girls, no boyfriends or husbands allowed- for some much needed girl time.
I rarely ever get to go out (I have neither time nor money to do so). My schedule is super busy with two special needs kids and moving to Brooklyn.
I've been suffering from severe migraines- they NEVER go away.
I had one that very day I went out to meet my chicas- but nothing was going to stop me from being there- we had scheduled this night over a month ago and nothing was going to get in the way of that.
Thanks to one of my very good friends I saw that night (shout out to Natalia!!), I've been trying to think more positively again (shout out to "The Secret").
On Sunday I was able to bring my kids, Dave and my sister to FINALLY see our new home!!!
They all LOVED IT!!! Both Lee and Vivi were exploring the whole place with a huge grin on their face.
This totally made my day! I know it'll be a very big change for them, but after awhile, I think they will love it even more than the home we live in currently.
That very day I was on my third day of this continuous migraine marathon- we were in McDonald's ( my kids favorite place to chow down) and I felt like I was gonna puke right then and there! Like a drunk!!!
Luckily I was able to control myself and put some delicious goodness in my belly- and I felt tons better- still had a migraine but didn't want to puke! So that was a win for me!
Right now at this very moment- I have a migraine, I'm trying to will it away.
Because no medication known to man- works on my migraines.
I think I need....... LOTS OF MONEY!!! AND SEX!!! AND humm...what else do I want and need???
Let me think....
Anyways- I got off topic.
I feel things will be getting better- and I pray things will be getting better.
BTW I changed my birth control medication again, and I'm crossing my fingers that this will make me feel tons better and hopefully fast.
I've been so super exhausted lately- I've been NAPPING!!! For those of you who know me well- know that I HATE napping during the day!!!
I wake up not knowing what day or time it is. Like I've woken up from a coma!
My thyroid is down and my hormone levels all over the fucking place-
I can't wait to get settled in our new place- and start feeling better again!!!
Levi had his psychological evaluation this morning and will probably be diagnosed with P.D.D. for now- later on maybe in a year or two- this diagnosis may become autism- like with my daughter.
I can't wait to get out of this toxic environment- mold, mildew, rust, you name it-
And start living life again!


Wish us luck!!!
I pray for all of you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always!

P.S. I gave Levi a haircut yesterday, he looks so cute- but he screamed all the way through the haircut like I was killing him (which of course I wasn't). My son is a bit dramatic.

Kisses Bitches!!!


*photo of Levi with his hair cut very short. I think he looks so cute and super handsome!!
In this photo, I feel like he's totally saying with a swagger- "Hey, How you doin?"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What's been happening??!


I've been so busy- with doctor appointments, phone calls, packing and my kids' therapies-
I don't know what day it is anymore! I haven't been sleeping well for what seems like forever now!
Last week Dave went to the doctor- and was told he's at high risk for a stroke- because of his high weight and blood pressure.
This makes me very nervous- and this morning he tells me that he's feeling dizzy and lightheaded and feeling a lot of pressure in his head every time he moves!
This scares the shit out of me!
He's going to the doctor again today- around 4 p.m.
I was supposed to go to the breast surgeon this morning- but then found out because he left the medical group I was a part of, a week ago and where I had all my testing done, he now has no access to my test results or medical records.
So there's NO POINT to see him today. Oh joy!
Looks like I have to find ALL new doctors for both my husband and I and our children.
This is such a pain in the butt!
But maybe this will lead to better care? Who knows? Maybe I find the doctor to ALL doctors- you know what I mean?
Since my kids and I, and now Dave are at the doctor every single week!
I'm worried about my husband's health, I'm nervous (and excited) about moving, how the kids are going to react to our new home- all these worries are why I'm not sleeping well at night.
Levi is finally going to have his psychological evaluation next Tuesday at home!
Woohoo! I've only been waiting for this for several months now!
Everyday he's banging his head and having meltdowns all day long-
I can't wait to finally have a diagnosis already- so that my son can get ALL the therapy he needs to get better.
It has helped my daughter so much- and continues to help her to this very day.
I'm not sure if Levi has the exact same type of autism my daughter has, but I'll find out soon.
And knowing this brings me some much needed peace of mind.
My family and I have also been furniture shopping- this is NOT as much fun as it sounds!
It's exhausting. If we were rich- I'm POSITIVE this would be a lot more fun!!!
We also went mattress shopping.
Dave had a lot of fun doing this. Every bed felt so foreign to me- and uncomfortable- so I let him pick out what he wanted. We had to get a new bed since he broke our current bed. We needed something DURABLE and comfortable.
We took our kids to Macy's holiday department- and they were so excited!!! They LOVE Santa and Christmas movies!
So this was so amazing to them. Levi couldn't believe his eyes! And Violet reached for every ornament known to man!
It was so much fun!
This would be the first holiday season in DECADES- that we wouldn't be totally broke!
My kids have never experienced a really GREAT holiday season- where we get to go shopping and do all holiday related outings.
Christmas has been so hard for us in the past- we couldn't get the kids any presents or decorate- we had no money- not even to pay the bills.
Every holiday season was so depressing.
I've spent a few in mental hospitals int he past. So I've never really looked forward to the holidays- until now.
This is the FIRST holiday season I'm actually looking forward to.
Our luck seems to be getting better- and I cant wait to see all the good things that's going to happen.
I see our lives changing for the better- Finally!!!!

All this aside, I have been feeling my mood going up and down throughout the day- I'm very easily irritated, I'll be depressed one minute- very happy the next.
This new birth control pill I'm on- I don't know if it's helping me or not.
I feel like a hot air balloon! Just totally blown-up.
I don't know if I should stop this medication or just wait it out.
My mom told me- many years ago, she gained nearly 100 pounds on birth control pills! ( yes this was over 35 years old- but still!) This scared the shit out of me!
While I was pregnant with Violet I gained 120 pounds!! Yes, I started at weighing only 80 pounds- but STILL! That's a lot of weight.
I'm petrified!
Dave seems to be happy though- he LOVES when my ass and boobs grow. He was SO happy when I was nearly 200 pounds, pregnant with Violet. He's nuts!!!! But I appreciate his insanity very much.
But I am very thankful, I'm with a man that appreciates curves ( the bigger the better!) and never ever tells me to lose weight.
I've been having nightmares- that I want to be an actress (which I don't), and am going on auditions only to be told I'm FAT and ugly.
Fun right?!

AND my mom is also having a biopsy and sonogram done (this week and next) to make sure she doesn't have ovarian cancer.

Do you think this is enough to be worried about???!

That's what been happening so far-
Again, I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing as much. My book, has been put on a temporary hold right now. Until I move and get settled- then I'll continue writing. Actually then- I'll be more than happy to write!


Kisses Bitches!!!
PEACE!

*photo found on google- I thought this crazy holiday cat photo was appropriate.

Friday, November 5, 2010

We signed the LEASE!!


WOOHOO! Finally!!!
Brooklyn- here I come!
We only have two weeks to move. That's a lot of stress.
We're trying to get rid of more and more things everyday.
My whole family and I look forward to decorating.
These past few years have been very stressful and chaotic.
I hoping this is the beginning of great things coming our way!
We're going to Brooklyn tomorrow to show my kids the neighborhood.
I'm so excited to share this with them.
I haven't decided if I'm keeping the doctors we have here, or changing them to ones closer to where we'll be living.
I mean, I have SO many!
I still have my breast surgeon appointment next week- not looking forward to that one.
My left breast still bothers me, but I do feel the birth control pills the doc put me on, has been helping some of the pain so far.
Levi has been losing his mind for the past few days.
He has a double ear infection- yeah- lots of pain.
I can't wait to have that psychological evaluation for him done already- with all the head banging, and tantrums and mood swings- I know the diagnosis already.
I'm just waiting for early intervention to realize this.
All his therapists- see what I'm talking about- and know that he needs way more help than what he's getting now.
Violet has been very happy in her new school- I'm happy to say!
I'm so tired all the time lately- just exhausted- I hope this is just due to all the stress I'm under right now.
I do feel listening to angry chicks yelling- is really helping me right now.
Angry chick music like The Pretty Reckless.
Taylor Momsen- seems like a brat- but I really like her music and voice.
Definitely reminds me of early "Hole".
What ever happened to angry chick music??? Did Chicks get less angry??? huh?
Not the ones I KNOW!
I definitely think if I ever went back into music- I'd be a "The Pretty Reckless"/ "Gossip"/ "Uffie" mix.
That's one of my many many dreams.
Performing has always been my number one dream.
ah well, I have way too much shit to do everyday- cook, clean, take the kids to doctor appointments, therapy appointments, run errands, watch television, sleep, eat- ya know- I'm totally swamped! ;)
I actually really am very busy.
Maybe one day - I'll get to live my dream.
Till then I just rather get some sleep.

This blog- was short and basically has no point to it-
And that's how I'll leave it for today.
Kisses Bitches!!!!


*photo of me- yes BEFORE kids- photo taken by a old friend of mine. I totally think this would be an awesome punk rock chick look, don't you?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Halloween 2010 AND the apartment hunt continues


Hey everybody!
So sorry it's been almost a whole week, since I last wrote a blog entry.
Things have been nuts!!!
Halloween just passed- you all know it's one of my most favorite holidays ever!
I dislike trick or treating in my current building- because everyone is rich and snotty.
The most of the kids are complete brats!
And this year is OUR LAST Halloween here!! Wooohooooooo!
I decided to spend Halloween with my extended family in Brooklyn.
It was amazing!
 Like in the movies- and not the horror movies- the beautiful family ones!
It's very family oriented there. Everyone was so nice and welcoming.
I'm hoping this will be our new neighborhood- and hopefully soon!
Violet LOVED the neighborhood- she even picked a few flowers and held them for hours, just smiling and laughing to herself.
Levi was great! He was the happiest I've seen him in so long!
Everything was going great- until we went to the diner for dinner.
Violet is on antibiotics because she has a sinus/throat infection ( same as her daddy).
But the antibiotics always make her stomach SOOOOO sick.
Every single time- she cries in pain- I feel so bad- but I don't have a choice.
She has a very sensitive stomach- especially to medications.
So she was sobbing in the diner! And was throwing a tantrum int he restaurant.
Later on she had to poo and squatted under the diner table (don't worry it was in her diaper).
But I was so embarrassed- people must've thought we were crazy.
Plus we were all in costume! Kayla and I were dressed as Princess Leia and my kids were dressed as tigers!
SO Violet was a tiny tiger freaking out, while shitting under the table.
That's my life!!!
Most of the workers there were Mexican.
By the way- I've been to this diner THREE TIMES so far- the food is AMAZING!!!
I love this place! And everyone is so nice!
Violet finally calmed down and Lee, Violet and Kayla were with me in the car on the ride home- we didn't get home until 10 P.M.
They loved being in the car- it was very calming for them.
They both fell asleep leaning against each other. It was so sweet.
When we got home Levi woke up and didn't go back to sleep until after midnight!

The next morning I had to wake up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready to go to Brooklyn to go apartment hunting yet again.
We spent the entire day looking at places- we didn't get home until about 8 p.m!!!!
That's over 12 hours!!

Cute story-
We went back to the diner yesterday in Brooklyn- I thought they were gonna give me evil looks or something - because of the night before with my kids.
They were ALL looking at me- so I guess they recognized me.
After we ate (I ate EVERYTHING!!! It was so good! All the workers looked at me in amazement as I almost finished my plate and then ordered cake!) Yeah- I EAT! So sue me!
After we paid the check-
one worker came up to me- and asked  me if I was here the night before.
I immediately started to explain- "Yes, those are my kids, I'm so sorry...blah blah blah."
Then another worker came over (my waiter) and said "I wasn't here last night, I was off from work. But everyone said how nice you looked".
I blushed! I was truly SHOCKED!!!
He went on to say "Hey next time, can you bring pictures????"
Now I was really blushing!
The other workers asked if I could come in dressed like that again!!!
Do they realize that WAS A HALLOWEEN COSTUME??? Not a party dress??!

It's so funny! But they didn't complain about my kids- and to me- that's a very good sign!
And heck, if I get good service dressed as Princess Leia- then so be it ;)

We saw almost seven places yesterday- a few were nightmares!!! But two were amazing!!! So beautiful and big and full of sunshine!!!
I hope we get a place- and soon!!!
Pray for us PLEASE!!!

I can't wait to live there near my extended family. It'll be awesome!!!

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of both my kids dressed as tigers for Halloween

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My apartment hunting saga of 2010 continues


We found an apartment, one we all like. Big enough and with lots of sunshine!
Totally different from our hellhole of apartment we have now.
No daylight- and the whole place is falling apart on us.
Our current shitty building's new handyman- told us he's never seen an apartment so neglected by a landlord before. And that our landlord is the worst he's ever come across- and that's saying a lot.
We filled out all the applications- and it looked like everything was going well.
Till I got a call today from the broker asking me about our old housing court case.
I explained everything. How my kids and I have been ill consistently for over a year now due to the amount of mold on our ceiling, and all the other problems with the apartment that the landlord never had any intention of actually FIXING. He just wanted to paint OVER IT!
I even got a call from a painter TODAY- telling me he heard from "management" that we need painting done and some cabinets fixed.
I said "uhhh- WHAT?! We are moving at the end of November!"
He replied "Does the management know about this?"
"Uh- YEAH- they DO!"
"oh okay, I'll talk to management."
I told him "Nothing will be done in this apartment till we're gone. You got it?!"
"ok."

Are you serious?! Some painting and cabinet work? Oh my gosh they have no clue- well actually they do know what needs to be done in this apartment but they are TOO CHEAP and such freaking bastards- that they'll do nothing and let it be the person's (who buys this hellhole) problem.
Such pricks!!!

I took Levi to a new sensory gym this morning.
Now I've told several people including therapists- that he FREAKS out with change. He'll have a total meltdown - even when I'm pushing the stroller and I stop at a red light.
But they all think I'm exaggerating.
Well NOT ANYMORE!
I took Lee to the gym- the minute we entered the lobby- he freaked out started screaming at the top of his lungs!
His new occupational therapist (o.t. for short) was so surprised at Levi's reaction.
He asked me if something happened? I replied- "Yeah- I came here!"
The rest of the session- over an hour including waiting time in the lobby- he screamed the entire time!!!
Me oh MY!
And yesterday his physical therapist was spinning him in her arms really fast- instead of making him excited- like it does Violet (she LOVES spinning)- Levi FELL ASLEEP!
We were both shocked!!! We have never even heard of a kid doing this!!
Could YOU falling asleep SPINNING?????!!!!
I doubt it.
I told my mom-"Levi takes Autism to a whole new level!"
We both cracked up- I have to deal with all these things with a really really good sense of humor- otherwise I'd be crying every single day.

On another note- yesterday Dave and I had a talk.
He didn't like the way he's portrayed in my blog.
The talk ended with me crying-
I do speak the truth in my blog- just so you know- I don't sugar coat myself- I've always said I'm an asshole.
Second- know that any blog, or book from one person's point of view is always skewed.
The way YOU look at the world is completely different from the way another person views the world- every person's view is a very skewed one.

I understand the frustration Dave feels.
I do see where he's coming from.
I do complain a lot and argue a lot.
I feel bad about this, most times.

All this said- I explained to him-
I don't think he knows how much I believe in him.
For the record-
He is brilliant. He is a way better writer than I will ever be. I'm a hack- I've told you this.
He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known.
He's my best friend.
I feel he needs help- because the person I KNOW is inside him- the person I love spending time with, sharing my thoughts with, the person I married- is being taken over by "something else".
Someone that is angry most of the time, is anti-social and wants to sleep all the time- much like the way he describes me when I was full blown manic (except for the sleeping all the time)- "like there was a demon who had taken over the person he loved."
That is the same way I feel about him now.
If I didn't feel that way- that the Dave I love and care about is still in there- I wouldn't be here. Still trying to "fix" us.
The hope that we can get rid of this demon- and let the wonderful, kind, caring, loving, funny, brilliant Dave I know and love come through- is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I see this Dave shine through- sometimes it's at 3 o'clock in the morning. We will be talking and laughing and all I'll want is for this moment to last forever, while knowing in the back of my mind it won't last much longer. That feeling makes me sad.
But I have hope that things will change.
I do believe people can change- and change for the better.
I did.
He believed in me all along, stayed with me through thick and thin, forgave me for so much.

I pray we will get this new apartment,
-we will be healthy and not sick all the time anymore
-we will have money
-we will be happy
 -that any "evil" presence that is here now with us now in this hellhole- keeping us down, will no longer be with us and we can finally shine and have a great life.

Kisses Bitches doesn't seem appropriate right now for this blog- so instead-

God Bless you and I wish you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.


Oh and I pray I'll WIN THE LOTTERY!

*photo of a sensory room (not the one Violet or Lee goes to) It's like a big gymnastics room- fully padded.
Violet's school has one gym like this and ANOTHER with different lights, toys, and sounds - it's the most awesome place I've ever been- EVER!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Today Today Today


Me oh my! What a day I just had.
One of the longest days ever!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was put on a new birth control pill- to stop the horrible pain from the severe endometriosis they think I have (again).
And I really don't want surgery again- so I took the freaking pill.
I was not in pain all night long last night- a plus!
But I was up ALL night long!- NOT a plus!
The pill can cause insomnia- oh boy!
The kids woke up at 5 A.M. cracking each other up- how? I have no clue. But they were hysterically laughing.
I took them in the living room to eat breakfast- and took my thyroid medication- I was SO super hungry I could barely wait the hour I was supposed to- and let it absorb into my system.
I wanted FOOD and I wanted it NOW!
I made my coffee and bagel and cream cheese. Yummmmmm!
More than TWO hours of the kids running around like crazy!!! It was madness!
I finally put Violet on the school bus- then I had to do some laundry ( some not all- otherwise I would have been there all day long). During that time- the nasty rusty old pipes under my kitchen sink burst and I had a flood in the kitchen- all this before 10 a.m!
I was on the phone with several brokers looking for a new apartment around the same time I was mopping up the flood and watching Levi.
I have been getting headaches on and off all day, plus cramping, plus anxiety, plus pain in my joints.
I feel like a total wreck!
Dave and I were fighting all day long!
We both hadn't slept- and it was nuts!
We rent video games from gamefly every month.
A few days ago he discovered he really liked the game "the Darkness" (based off a comic done by the same people that did WitchBlade- if you don't know the comic WitchBlade- man I feel pity for you- because it was THAT awesome- in the beginning)
I have no problem him playing video games- I actually like watching- not playing as much. Only if I LOVE the game.
But I DO have a problem if I'm overwhelmed with watching my two crazy kids- one in destruction mode (Violet), and not feeling even remotely like myself.
I kept asking him PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shut it off for now- until the kids are asleep.
Of course- he did what he wanted- this led to even more fighting.
I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I HATE fighting- I really do.
Being at each others throats- not fun at all.
I had planned on seeing several apartments today with my father- but I felt like a mess- plus Dave was falling asleep and I couldn't leave him alone with the kids. So I sent my mom and sister in my place.
They actually found a really beautiful place that they liked. They showed me video and photos of the place- I like it too. I think this may be the place.
I'd still be living in Manhattan- but more uptown- and on the east side.
Even though I WOULD LOVE to leave Manhattan and head to beautiful Brooklyn- we were having a hard time finding something affordable, big enough and easy to travel to the city from ( both my parents work in the city). Plus the stairs were really difficult for my mom to climb up- her arthritis in her knees is really bad.
I LOVE Brooklyn SO much- the food, the people, the scenery. I had the BEST burger and sweet potato fries I've ever had in my entire life at a diner in Brooklyn. Afterwards I picked up a dozen of the most wonderful donuts I've seen in such a long time in this little hole in the wall donut shop (usually I'm krispy Kreme's BITCH!!! I HATE Dunkin Donuts- EWWW!) They were fresh and so amazing. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
My awesome friend Karen, took my parents and I around for a tour around the neighborhood. She has helped me so much in this crazy search for a new home. Thank you so much Karen- I owe you!
Even if I don't move to Brooklyn- I'm gonna visit almost every week!

On another note-I've been stuffing my face with sweet treats all day long. The cravings are so intense- I might hurt someone if they get in my way- kinda cravings.
I have never eaten so much sugar in one day before. And I haven't fell into a food coma yet!!! What the FUCK?! I LOVE food comas- it's just bliss- pure unconscious bliss- no freaking joke!
Man I really hope these cravings and all this pain wears off soon from the medication soon. I don't want to stop taking it yet- not until I know for sure- that these feeling won't go away.
Hopefully I won't gain like 40,000 lbs in a month. Oh god I hope not.

On top of everything that happened today- Violet was insane- she hadn't slept at all today - and barely slept last night. So she tries to keep herself awake by destroying things- and running around like a crazy woman.
I'm exhausted!
She FINALLY passed out a few minutes ago- as did Dave. PHEW!
Peace and Quiet- well...Levi isn't asleep just yet- but he's not noisy right now and I can tell he's getting sleepy.
I should be unconscious by now, right??! But no I'm wide awake!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

And that's where I'll leave this blog post.
With everyone thinking What the fuck?!
That's good right?

Kisses Bitches!!!
Woohooo Halloween is coming!!

P.S.- I sad to my mom "I'm gonna go to the bathroom right now, and go kill myself." ( I said partially joking). She replied "Okay dear, have a good time!"
That cracked me up!!! My mom's so crazy! I love her!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Such a Weird Night!!!


Last night was CRAZY- and not in a good way.
Late in the evening yesterday- I had to run outside to Walgreen's to pick up a medication for my sister.
I had a bad feeling- but had no other choice but to go out.
I wanted Dave to come with me- but he was really tired, as usual, and had no pants- only shorts.
All his pants were in the laundry- I have A LOT of laundry to do- it's SO expensive.
I can't wait to have my own washer and dryer- but this is off topic-
I went outside by myself- I was extra paranoid- because of this bad feeling I had.
While I was in Walgreen's a strange older gentleman was watching me (and not actually shopping ), following me around the store- oh goodie.
I was going to take the stairs when I realized he was going to follow me there as well- so I ran into the elevator just before it closed! Phew!
And I made sure he didn't follow me home.
My bad feeling- was correct.
Thank goodness nothing happened.
I got home pissed off.
While I was outside I saw all these happy couples- holding hands- enjoying each other's company.
And it made me think about Dave and I-
How I have to BEG him to go places with me- even if it's outside for a few minutes.
Before I went to sleep- I got into bed and Dave asked me if I was okay.
I told him how I felt- how I wish he would want to do things with me and such.
We fell asleep.
I woke up to horrible horrible stomach pains and cramping.
I saw Dave was awake- he told me this "Don't be worried hunny, but I feel really weak and cold and lightheaded. I think I have to go to the hospital".
This was at 2 a.m.
I didn't have any bad feeling in my stomach- meaning I knew he was going to be okay.
I asked him if he had drank anything- he might be dehydrated.
He drank some water and went back to bed.
He wanted to hold me hand- that was different.
Then he said to me "Hunny, I want to apologize for all the times I fucked up".
Okay NOW I knew something was wrong- I replied "Do you think you're going to die???"
He said "Yes. But I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of leaving you alone- and missing you".
As he said this,he held my hand tight and was in a cold sweat. I could tell he was emotional.
I had to calm him down. I felt he was having a painc attack more than a real heart attack.
At that point- Levi started breathing strange. Short and fast breaths.
I immediately rushed over to him.
I think he was having a nightmare- he woke up crying and I soothed him back to sleep, telling him it was just a dream, everything's okay.
I crawled back into bed, with the heating pad on my stomach.
Dave asked me "Was that an omen?"
I replied "No. He just had a bad dream."
He then told me he was afraid to go to the doctor alone- I told him "No worries, I be there and I'll bring Levi, just try to breathe slowly- fill your stomach with air and blow out from your nose- to calm yourself down."
This is where my yoga training comes in handy ;)
He did this while holding my hand tightly- still in a cold sweat.
I prayed inside my head- "God please make my family feel better, please heal them."
I also told the spirit to leave us alone, to crossover to the other side, and that there are things WORSE than Death- and I have the power to do this. So he must leave.
A few hours later- Dave felt a bit better. Levi and Violet woke up at 6 a.m. and it was time to start the day- no matter how exhausted and in pain I was.

And that was my crazy crazy night.
I'm going to make an emergency doctor's appointment in a few minutes for Dave.
Wish us luck.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo found on the net- thought it was appropriate

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Oh My GOODNESS!

Hey everyone!
Sorry it's been awhile- it's been quite hectic here.
I've been looking at new apartments, going to doctors, running around like a chicken without a head.
Today I saw doctors! Woohoo! In one day- Lucky me.
The first was a gyno- and he didn't have good news to tell me.
Apparently he thinks my endometriosis is back- and in a really bad stage- meaning not much can be done to fix it other than surgery.
But surgery has it's own many many risks- He thinks my insides are twisted due to lots of C-sections and prior surgeries. By him opening me up again, it would be very risky and complications could happen with bladder, uterus, basically all my insides. OH joy! He put me on new birth control medication- which usually makes me really ill. Oh and he gave me another Pap smear-  to make sure it's not cancer- after everything was done, I said to him "Fun times. Fun times." To which he laughed. Hopefully this will help the pain, otherwise my other options aren't any better- the last option being surgery.
Then after that FANTASTIC news- I went for my breast sonogram.
Oh yea- and when he was prescribing me the medication- he asked me if I get migraines- to which I replied- "Yes, yes I do. Why do you ask?"
He then said "do you see an aura before you get them. Can you "sense" it will happen before it actually happens?"
"Ummm, I get pain. It starts small- gets big fast".
He answered "Ok, because if you do and you're on this medication you could possibly have a brain hemorrhage."
I looked at him, like "Are you fucking kidding me?!!!"
He was dead serious.
Apparently I pissed off the wrong spirit, or god or something-
because everyone has been hitting me straight between the eyes!
Including the sonogram technician.
She was such a cunt!!!
Asking all kinds of inappropriate questions. She was so super nasty to me.
I didn't get an attitude at all with her, or anyone else that's been getting mad at me for only god knows what reasons.
Everyone asks me why I don't get angry back.
I just don't- I try to maintain my cool and be polite no matter how out of line they are.
As far as I know and feel- it's their karma they are ruining, not mine.
I don't know the results yet, but tomorrow I see the breast surgeon. Fun times.
A Broker called me about an apartment- and starting the conversation by yelling at me. She was so pissed at me- and I'd never ever talked to her before.
Again, I was nice and polite the entire way through.
I told Dave later that I feel I'm ignored by everyone all the time-unless they're angry. Then I get it right between the eyes.
I don't even know what I did to deserve it.
All I try to do all day- everyday, is help people.
I'm just trying to keep my cool- even with everything in chaos.
I'm under so much stress right now- emotionally and physically.
Just trying to get through the day- the week- the month.
I hope someone's watching up there- and something so magical is going to happen to my family and I- and sometime SOON would help.

That's the news thus far-
Kisses Bitches! Be nice to each other, would ya?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Me so tired


I'm so exhausted!!
I went with Violet for her second day of her new school.
But I haven't been sleeping well for DAYS!
Last night at 4 A.M. I was tossing and turning, Levi woke up and Dave was really nasty and mean to me- do I remember what he said exactly- no because it was FOUR O'CLOCK in the fucking morning.
WAY too early to be arguing.
He was feeling very ill last night and hadn't slept- so apparently it's okay to totally lose your temper as long as you have a "good" excuse?
While Dave was in the bathroom, I picked up Lee out of the crib to comfort him.
He was SO happy to see that it was me- not Dave- picking me up to cuddle.
He kept smiling at me and putting his head on my shoulder.
Then he played "face hugger"- by this I mean, have you seen the movie Aliens???
He took his finger and kept trying to put it in my mouth- then trying to put it in my nose- the whole time I'm laughing saying to him "Levi! You little face hugger!!"
He thought it was hilarious!
Eventually he got tired again and went back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. just to have to wake up an hour later to get Violet and me ready for the school bus.
Did I ever mention how much I hated school, back in the day. I mean absolutely HATED, DREADED freaking school.
So it's hilarious to me- that I'm waking up at this time to go with my daughter to her school.
She had another great day today at school.
This morning she even tried a piece of my bagel with cream cheese!!!
It's like a whole new Violet!!! Woohoo.
Well not completely- she still has a meltdown at meal time every single day, in school and at home.
A half an hour after we got home I had to rush her off to her sensory gym.
Two hours later, she had therapy at home- and that's when her mental breakdown started.
Screaming, crying- because she's exhausted.
I'm exhausted- and I don't run around half as much as she does- and on as little food as she does.
I have no idea where she gets the abundance of energy she has.
They wanted me to come to school again tomorrow, and even though I DO LOVE the school, and of course my child- and the other children as well- I need some freaking sleep!!!
All her classmates- They are some of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet!!
All these kids with all kinds of physical and learning disabilities- they are so sweet and kind.
I bonded with a few of them.
One boy in her class follows Violet around and sings her name to a made up melody.
The kids were following me around the classroom, coming up to me- playing with me.
It's such an amazing experience- I cannot even describe how much I adore these kids- even after only two days.
Everyone at this school is so lucky, including the teachers.
Good thing is they have an open door policy, and I can come anytime I'd like.
I should be sleeping right now- but instead I'm typing.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my own husband.
His emotions are all over the place.
I LOVE that after he blew up at me this morning, he said I was being oversensitive- that's when I said- "Whoa- back up!"
"In a few minutes you are going to realize that you just blew your fucking top- for no good reason- and you are going to feel really bad that you did that."
At that point, he apologized.
I wanted him to go to the doctor today- but he avoids the doctor like the plague.
Where is a fucking blow dart when I need it????
But instead of knocking him out- it'll just make him be nice.
Man I WANT that freaking drug!!!
On another note- I've been trying to schedule that second mammogram because something is going on with my left breast.
Instead of being sad or depressed about the possibility of cancer- I make jokes about it- at my expense. It puts my family at ease and they laugh a little. My dad hates that I make jokes about the lump.
Finally my mom had to tell him, it's better for me to laugh about it- than cry.
He decided to donate one day of his salary to Breast Cancer Foundation. I found that really touching- since my dad doesn't communicate his feelings very well at all- especially about me- except if he's mad at me- that he's always expressed really really well.


So I'll end this blog here for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Violet's brand new school!!!


I'm am so proud of Violet!!!
I know for sure after being there the whole day with her today at the school that THIS is the BEST school for Violet.
I fell in love with every child there!!!Most of them have physical disabilities as well as learning disabilities.
They were the cutest, sweetest most lovable kids I've ever seen (other than my own of course)
The teachers there absolutely love all the children there and take fantastic care of them.
They asked me to come back for the rest of the week and more, if I'd like.
I felt honored.
I enjoyed playing with all the children and watching Violet play with her new friends.
I knew- in my heart- that this is the very best school for her!
It's a YAI school. YAI has the best therapists and they really make you feel like family.
We are going to their Halloween party October 28th!!!
I cannot wait!!!
Most of the building is YAI schools from ages 3- up to adulthood.
Violet was tired today and had a few cranky moments but overall- she had a fantastic day.
She even sat on the potty TWICE for 5 seconds at a time!!!
And tried two new foods!!!
She painted and colored with all the kids.
Two kids seem to really like her, a sweet little boy- who kept smiling and saying hi to me and a little beautiful girl (she's autistic and doesn't speak). But she gave me great eye contact!!!
As I clapped for her and sang songs with the class.
I was so happy there.
I was exhausted from not sleeping- and not really eating- because Violet wouldn't let me leave the room to go get myself some lunch- but overall the day was magical.
I think Violet is really happy there.
She passed out soon after we got home, so we had to miss sensory gym.
But I could tell she was happy. She even took off her shoes and socks there- she was THAT comfortable there.
She was princess of the class for a day!!
She even got a whole PAGE of stickers and on the ride home on the school bus she stuck the happy face stickers all over her car seat!
I came more with a bit of a migraine ( the beginning of one) because I hadn't eaten.
So I ate some, drank a big old jug of coffee and took a shower.
The pain is going away now- PHEW!
And I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow.
Violet's napping now and I think she's having good dreams about her new school.

Thank goodness this all worked out in the end.

Kisses Bitches!!! Be good to your kids!!

*photo of my daughter on the day of her "baby audition" for the her new school ;) She's too funny!