Piss n' shit!

I LOVE that phrase!
Thought I'd share a "Mom story" with you:
Last night- my daughter had a tummy ache- she ate too much cream cheese (she's addicted). She'd been pushing me away all day.
She's only affectionate- when SHE wants to be. She's the boss!
She wanted me to pick her up out of the crib. I was so excited!
When I held her she put her head on my shoulder. I was so touched and then...she pissed all over me.
So much- I was catching it with my hand- whatever wasn't stuck to my clothes.
Oh Joy!
Don't worry though, after some tummy medicine- she felt oodles better and even went to school today!

That's my daughter!

Besides that happening last night, I got a phone call around 8 p.m.
It was about the event recorder I'm supposed to wear for three weeks.
They told me my insurance (shitty form of medicaid) won't pay for it!
I was shocked!
I asked why? They said that medicaid finds event recorders to be "EXPERIMENTAL!!"
Are you shitting me?!!!
And if I wanted I could pay $1000. Did I mention that would be only for 14 days! Not three weeks!!!
I said "I'm on MEDICAID! If I had $1000 handy, I don't think I would be! You might as well ask for one million at this point- cuz you ain't gettin' it!"
Yeah- I kind of turn ghetto when I'm pissed- with the head rolling, finger pointing- you know the deal. I grew up with Trannies- of course I got a diva in me screaming to come out! (Being raised by trannies- is a whole other story in itself!)
This upset me a lot.
PLUS- the day before I was talking to my family counselor,  and I mentioned that, ever since my heart problems have been getting really bad (about 3 months ago), I can't remember people's name or how to spell.
Every single thing I type (nearly) I have edited now, by either Dave or my sister.
This really upsets me because I used to have a photographic memory- that's how I got through school.
Back in the day- I would go to networking parties all the time and met people, only for a second or two- and if I saw that person a year or two later- I would remember their name, because if I didn't it would make me look bad.
I love love love my new friends- my mama group at Lee's school, but I feel it took me WAY too long to remember their names- even though I see them every day and love them all so much.
This really frustrates me- because this ISN'T ME!
The counselor asked me if I've mentioned this to my doctor- I told her no, I never talk to them long enough to mention EVERYTHING.
She then asked if I've ever heard of T.I.A. :
Some people call a transient ischemic attack (TIA) a mini-stroke, because the symptoms are like those of a stroke but do not last long. A TIA happens when blood flow to part of the brain is blocked or reduced, often by a blood clot. After a short time, blood flows again and the symptoms go away. With a stroke, the blood flow stays blocked, and the brain has permanent damage.

A TIA is a warning: It means you are likely to have a stroke in the future. Early treatment can help prevent a stroke.
This terrified me- I answered "Yes. I know what a T.I.A. is- my grandmother suffers from them. She suffers from Dementia now. But she had them when she was near 70 years old!"

She asked if I mentioned THIS to my doctor. I replied "No." Yet again.
Sometimes I don't realize how important some information is to share.

Oy Vey.

By the way- I scheduled an appointment for myself with a cardiac specialist at NYC for the beginning of March.

I'm a bit nervous- but I know it's necessary.
I feel all these doctors are "dropping the ball" so to speak.
It's infuriates me!

I had a nightmare last night- mostly due to taking Tylenol Pm (it always gives me strange dreams). I only take it maybe a few times a month.
Needless to say I'm not gonna take it anymore.

I dreamt that I found out I had a rare disorder that effects the brain ( I totally forgot the exact words the doctor used) and I found out I was going to die- and soon.
Dave then started cheating on me- with everyone (people I didn't know). I was so hurt and angry!
Just so you know- this is completely NOT like him. He's never been unfaithful to me EVER in all of our 13 years together ( even when we were broken up!)
He's always made it clear- I'm all he's ever wanted or will ever want.
He doesn't leave the house without me ever!
And he's never ever alone at home.
He's very trust worthy.
I'm the one that fucked up many times in the past.

I was so angry in the dream, I tried cheating on him- to get him back, but I physically couldn't.
I fought with him saying "I'm gonna die, and this is what you choose to do!"
He responded with "I only slept with them because they were powerful and rich!"
Somehow trying to make me feel better. So strange!

Yeah- so much drama! TOO MUCH for my taste.

When  I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night, I was pissed at him. But I knew it was a dream- and it would be psychotic to punch him in the face, for a dream- right??!!
So I just went back to sleep angry.

This makes me laugh. It's INSANITY for sure!


I'll stop this blog post right here- with you thinking I'm insane.
Because I am insane- and I wouldn't have you thinking otherwise- EVER!

Kisses Bitches!

Now I must have my sister edit my blog.
I'm sure you've caught spelling/grammar errors before- blame that on my EDITORS!!! :) They're Lazy ;) Just kidding...or am I??

* insanity wolf meme. I LOOK UP to this wolf!

oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
REALLY?!!! REALLY??!!!
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Yes- THREE WEEKS!
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
Anywho-
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding!...no I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.

What a waste of time!

What a waste of time- not about reading my blog, of course. I mean, about going to the doctor today.
Yet again, another doctor, he sees me- being a woman, and young-
and thinks I'm crazy.
He then tells me I have a fainting disorder!
Can you believe this!!! I don't even FAINT!
This doctor was affiliated with Lenox Hill hospital in Manhattan!
Normally, I'd just give up at this point. But I'm not gonna!!!
I'm seeing yet another doctor, hopefully tomorrow, depending on how bad the weather gets.
A brand new Primary Care doctor..and it's a SHE!!! Wooohoooo!
Dave came with me today, and saw me plead my case- I told him everything that was happening, that my grandfather died very young from heart failure.
Nothing. nada- made any difference.
He didn't even comment on how low my blood pressure was ...100/70 (this is actually high for me).
I'm trying hard to find a female cardiologist as well as an endocrinologist (for my thyroid disease).
Fun times...fun times.
Plus the office was a shit hole!!! In a neighborhood that I knew nothing about.
The ONLY good thing that came out of this visit..was the bakery that was nearby.
Ahhh.....now that's real love!
If you know me- you know I LOVE sugar. Especially when my thyroid is high, it makes me crave sugar- like CRACK!
And this bakery smelled like heaven. It also had my favorite cake of all time.
A cake I haven't had in years!
Mocha cake....yummmmmmmmm.
When it's made correctly- it is a slice of perfection.
I saw this cake- and it was cheap- only $10!!!
Did I die?? Was this heaven??
But why , in heaven, would I still have to pay???
I guess I wasn't dead yet.
When Dave and I got home, I didn't want any dinner- I just wanted some of that delicious goodness in mah belly!!! Right away.
Yummmmmm...totally worth it.

The saga continues.

Kisses Bitches.

BTW- my mom started crying, because she's upset that all the doctors I've seen, aren't helping me, at the exact time, I was eating a slice of perfection (mocha cake).
I said to her "Mom. Please don't cry. If you cry while I'm eating cake, I'll seem insensitive".
And she started laughing hysterically.
That's the way I deal with things- laughing about it. I finds it helps a lot.

P.S. When Dave knocked over boxes at a pharmacy, he looked at the staff and yelled: "You got GHOSTS!"

News!

I have an appointment with a brand new heart doctor, Feb. 1st, and he specializes in the area of cardiology, I need!! Woohoo!
I saw a photo of him, he creeps me out a bit.
Then again, all doctors at this point and time give me the creeps.
I was looking for a female doctor- but with no luck.
So I swallowed my fear...pushed it way way way down- deep deep deep inside.
Hopefully I won't freak out in the office.
I noticed recently that I start getting really really irritated right before- my heart starts acting up.
Now I know what you're going to say- no it's not my temper that's creating the heart problems.
I feel like it's my only warning sign- that I need to sit down.
I'm thankful that there is a warning sign.
Now this of course doesn't happen, when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, or when I'm relaxing in a bath- it comes on when it wants- wherever it FUCKING wants.
But I notice- if I'm say cooking breakfast and washing the dishes (at the same time), while straightening up the kitchen...(Like I did this VERY MORNING)
and I start getting angry out of nowhere- really really upset- furious even-
When I have time to think, hey what exactly am I angry about???
My heart will start to beat irregular- or suddenly stop.
I won't be able to breathe very well- or even comfortably.
Just then I realized that my anger- was a sign.
Of course when I get upset my heart will start racing.
Like this morning- when my dad decided to have a ridiculous argument with me about recycling boxes!
He wanted to throw them out- and all I wanted to do was CUT THEM UP first!
But he started freaking out and screaming- leading to me screaming at how fucking insane he is.
Then screaming at my mom, because she just let him scream and curse everyone out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. SO MUCH.
And that's probably a huge reason why I get angry that she lets him treat her like crap.
He just an angry child!
And I still love him- because he's my father. ARGH!
Sometimes I wish I could just let go of my love for him and give up on him.
But I can't.
FUCK!
I spent about 5 hours cleaning the house, washing, sweeping, throwing out the garbage, scrubbing, etc etc etc.
That's how I deal with my anger.
Though this time- if ever, hopefully not, I have a near fatal heart attack- I WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I know, this will relieve a lot of my friends, who care about me. And THANK YOU for your concern. I LOVE you all.
I realized I was being ridiculous. My fear of hospitals IS BASED on near-death experiences- but I could totally understand if my kids never forgave me for not going to the hospital, if I ended up dying here in our home.
I hear recently that someone I (kinda) knew- or at least knew about- died on the way to the hospital, after being sick for quite awhile.

I won't let that happen to me.
At least I will try.
This morning's little heart issue- went away- and wasn't at all a big deal, compared to a few days ago.

That night- I just laid in bed, I don't plan on dying with regrets.
I used to regret everything I did when I was manic, and have nightmares, and beat myself up about it.
Not as much now. It made me who I am.

But if I had died that day, I realized I would regret not having written my book.
And not having told my kids, the life I lead, the experiences- good and bad- that happened to me.
I want them to know all about me- and have that book to go to- if and when I pass away.

I'm going to write my damn book already, even if I'm writing in a hospital bed!
This I swear not to you- but to myself- for myself.

That being said-
I'll sign off now.
Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember NO REGRETS!!!

*photo of me when I was about 2 years old.
I plan on having lots of photos on my book!!! This might be one of them.
I feel photos help tell a story- plus I'm a very visual person.

Let's play catch-up, shall we?

I was supposed to go back to the doctor's office, not the sonogram technician, for a full stress test and to get hooked up with an event recorder.
For those who need a summary of things that have been happening-
I did lots and lots of harm to my body for many many years.
I've had health problems all my life-
practically lived in hospitals, doctor's offices for most of my life.
I've had MRIs, CATscans, every year for the past...I'd say 17 years of my life- no biggie.
This past year I've gotten really really ill.
My thyroid is off the fucking charts- I have both hyper- and hypo thyroid.
I've been on medication for it for over seven years- but this past year has been the worst.
The doctors can't control my thyroid, it changes every day practically- even though I'm not changing dosages, or any medications.
I've been to so many different specialists.
But I'm not having JUST thyroid problems. I've having chest pains, shortness of breath, my heart likes to, for no known reason- without warning- just fucking stop, fatigue, cramping, migraines, severe pain in my entire body like every fucking nerve in my body is on fire.
I have female problems- I've had biopsies, basically my entire body is going to SHIT!

And on top of everything- I'm fucking BIPOLAR.
Just thought I'd add that- because that's obviously nothing new. I thought thought it was funny.
Anywhoo-
I moved and had to find new and nearby doctors- because of my health problems- travel ain't so easy anymore.
I went to a nearby doctor's office, two days ago, had a million and two tests done- I'm practically glowing with radiation at this freaking point. I probably glow in the DARK!
I'm a fucking RAVE stick!
The ultrasound technician (a creepy man and NOT a doctor) touched me in ways- totally not professional and really really fucking icky.
I've been really depressed every since.

So NOW you all should be caught-up, at least mostly.
I was supposed to go back there today, the technician that violated me, not being present, and have a full stress test done.
I was panicked all day yesterday thinking about any of the doctors touching me to hook me up to any and all monitors.
Over all, I think I'm handling it better, than I possibly could be.
I didn't kill myself- so there's that, right?!

I woke up this morning in so much pain, in my chest and body.
I knew I wouldn't be able to fucking run on a fucking damn treadmill today.
So I asked Dave to cancel the appointment for me, because I couldn't even call them myself.
Yesterday we got the kids all bundled up to go out on our back patio to play in the snow.
I put on a happy face and took some photos of the kids.
But inside I just felt- bad.
In all sense of the word bad-
sick, disgusting, ugly, dirty - just really really gross.
I'm frustrated, I'm shaking, I just can't seem to regulate myself at all.

I wanted to grab a drink and smoke...color my hair, cut off my hair, or shave my head...get tattooed, go out at  night, stop eating, puke - do whatever I used to do to calm myself.
But then I realized I'm too fucking poor to have a fucking addiction right now.
Though to shave my head, I don't need money, nor the puking part- but Dave is trying to help me get through this- but NOT doing the things I'm used to doing- things are are practically engraved in my fucking DNA.
I don't like looking in the mirror at all right now.
I was feeling this way- before I went to the doctor- but not as severe. Now-
I'm just trying to be "present" for my kids.


So that's what's going on right now.
I've been getting a lot of requests to write my damn book already- and I did start it a few months ago. I seem to have a much easier time writing my blog, about the present- than writing about my past.

Anyways- I'll stop rambling now.

Kisses Bitches.


* photo from the web- "PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) clarinet boy" (I'm a geek- HELLLOOOO!)

New Doctor...new start?

I've been having a really shitty couple of days.
The night, before last, I was up all night with chest pain- intense chest pains- pain that went into my back I couldn't move, couldn't think, because I was in SO much pain.
And yet, still didn't let Dave call 911.

I really thought I might just fucking die that night.
And still I would rather be in my own fucking bed than in a hospital.
Call me psycho- I don't care- I've been called WAY worse.
Luckily I'm still FUCKING HERE, Bitches!

If you know me, you know that I don't fear pain. EVER.
I don't feel pain like normal people.
I've had my insides OPEN for months! After my C-section with Violet. I had gauze stuffed into me every single day for three months.
Now that's fucking pain.
It was like being stabbed, every fucking damn day for months.
Fun times. Fun times.
Then again, this is coming from me, the same person who, when I was younger- would run into doorknobs with my FACE, just for the fuck of it. I didn't feel pain.
I see how strange this is now, that I'm older- not much wiser though.
I always felt- "alien" to say the least.
I have an appointment with brand new doctors- plural- today.
I'm just hoping they don't stick me in the hospital-especially since there's supposed to be a big snow storm tonight- weekends, bad weather are both the WORST time to be stuck in a hospital.

Another worry- that they don't listen to me.
They see how young I am and think I have to be making this shit up.
Even though it's documented.
This one REALLY pisses me off.
Especially once they hear I'm bipolar.
Then they just think I'm crazy!

I don't fear surgery, even though I DO fear hospitals.
I'm not scared of getting cut up, sliced, whatever you call it.
It's the fact that in the hospital- you can get sick with something else and way more severe. Like a horrible blood infection that tries to kill you not once, but twice.
Yeah...fun times...fun times.
I hope you realize I'm sarcastic...very very sarcastic. It's the center of my very being.
I just found out that people who have had open heart surgery- are called part of "The Zipper Club" because they have the most amazing, coolest scar ever, going down their chest.
I do have a "thing" for scars, if you could call it that.
I love scars. I do.

Now I'm waiting til I go to my appointment.
If they listen to me- that's a good sign.
If they dismiss me right way...very very bad sign. Very bad.
Who knows? Maybe they'll actually find out what's wrong...and FIX IT!
Be it through surgery and/or medication, I don't care- I just want to feel myself again- not tired all the time, not out of breath, not in pain.
I don't fear medication- meds are my friends :)
I guess I have high hopes.
Plus this whole experience is making me feel very depressed.
Totally- NOT FUCKING COOL!

Very quick-
I had a very strange dream- thanks to benadryl- that I was weighing myself and I weighed 250 lbs! I freaked...and then realize I had weighed myself with all this luggage. And when I weighed myself again without the luggage I weighed...87 lbs!
I'm guessing this dream means I have a lot of extra baggage-
And I'm not talking about my big ass!
hummm...like I needed a dream to fucking tell me that?!
Hahahahaha!!!!


Wish me luck!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Sorry this blog is all over the place- but that's what my mind is like- CHAOS! COMPLETE CHAOS!

Shit Shit Fuck Fuck!!!!

I found out last night that my grandma is in the hospital.
She wasn't doing well and had a very bad infection in both her feet.
We were all very surprised, and upset, obviously.
I found out today the antibiotics are working and she's getting better
Best news I've heard all day!!!
As far as I'm concerned she is my ONLY grandma.
She's been suffering from dementia for over tens year and does not remember me anymore.
I just want my grandma to be in peace- no pain, no confusion anymore.
She is a great person and she deserves to be happy.

I haven't been feeling very well for the past few days- but wasn't making a big deal of it- until last night.
My legs and feet were in so much fucking unbelievable pain and I couldn't breathe.
For about a week now- my heart stops- yes stops- for about 5 or so seconds-without a warning- I cannot breathe or speak.
But I am conscious through the whole thing.
I found out yesterday from a friend who's a doctor, she has experienced the same exact thing many times.
I also must mention that she has had open heart surgery in the past.
And suggested it might be electrical.
I was so happy to hear I wasn't JUST crazy!!!
And that this is real, not a fucking panic attack.
I have an irregular heartbeat, plus a really bad thyroid problem.
So I'm experiencing 17 different symptoms at once.
I feel they are all connected but not one doctor has put it all together.
My blood pressure was so low this morning I couldn't move.
And yes- everyone around me was ready to call 911.
But if you know me-
you also know that I've almost died in the hospital before- and got sick FROM the hospital- a severe blood infection that did almost end me- permanently.
So unless my spleen falls out in the next two minutes, I won't go to the hospital.
I feel a tiny bit better than this morning, my blood pressure isn't AS low as before.
But it's going up and down all day and driving me insane.
I slept for three hours during the day- which I DON'T do usually.
I couldn't function today.
If things don't get better soon, I will have no choice but to go to the hospital.
My mom is at a hospital in the city right now, not leaving many people here to watch my two kids- it's a 24/7 job with no sleep! Not EASY!

Wish my grandma and I luck.

God bless all of you,

and of course...
Kisses Bitches!

*photo of my grandma- almost ten years ago

My head is spinning

It's been a very eventful few days. My sister came back from the hospital on Monday.
But with no answers, just guesses. I really can't stand doctors, well...most doctors.
They think it's neurological, then they think it's her heart. They can't make up their mind. She isn't doing any better, actually a bit worse. I'm so upset.
She went to get a sonogram of her heart today, they think they saw something, but we won't know til she sees the doctor.
I had this horrible feeling while she was in the hospital, I felt like she wouldn't be coming home, because I knew something was terribly wrong.
I can't shake this feeling. I hope the problem is so simple and easily corrected. I hope and pray.
Dave is trying to keep me calm, but it's not working. Plus when he's stressed, he sleeps even MORE than usual. So I'm even more stressed.
I want everything to be okay- actually I want everything to be great! Not just OKAY!
I want to know what's wrong with my sister. Why she went from being the most active person in my house, to someone who can't move! Otherwise he heart beats abnormally fast and she passes out. This is not good.
I want out of this toxic place I call home.
I want my family to be healthy, finally.
I really want doctors to get their shit together, and figure out what's wrong with my beloved sister.
I'm exhausted. REALLY exhausted. All night, I'm tossing and turning and having horrible dreams. Some are visions. But I don't feel like discussing them right now.
I'm praying every night. I hope God's listening. I could REALLY use his help right about now.


Peace and love to all of you. May you all experience an abundance of health, wealth, happy and love always.

My heart

I've been feeling like shit lately but I'm fighting it the whole way through.
I've had heart problems here and there for years now- all starting with my eating disorders years back.
I have an irregular heart beat and I've been experiencing a lot of cheat pains as of late.
I've been chewing aspirin almost everyday.
I need to see my heart doctor. But right now I have no health insurance at the moment. I'm waiting patiently to get it back any second now.
And my old heart doctor doesn't take medicaid. So I have to find a new one. Plus with medicaid you need a referral for just about everything.
Last night was scary. I know I haven't been taking care of myself as well I should.
Things have been nuts with the kids and Violet's therapy that I rarely get a chance to eat or sit down.
Yesterday I was helping cook dinner and I was holding Lee in the baby carrier - which kills my back- but he wouldn't let me put him down.
When I was done helping prepare dinner- I put him down on the couch- and I got really dizzy. Kayla took Lee- no one got hurt. But I had chest pains- and it wasn't good.
So of course Dave told me to chew aspirin and I finally got to eat something.
I know I was careless. But I've been on sinus medication and I've been a bit unfocused because of it.
I'm so thankful to Violet's therapist Shannon. Because I've been so foggy lately- I was behind on scheduling tour visits for schools for Vi when she turns three.
Shannon got me to make all those calls and get on top of everything again.
She's a blessing, truly.
I'm so used to taking care of things and everyone that it feels horrible to be behind and not on top of things.
Dave helped me last night and took care of things for me.
I'm going to call my doc today to get a referral for a new heart doctor.
Hopefully my I will have insurance soon.
I didn't write this blog- to worry anyone- just wanted to update you guys on what's going on as per usual.

Love you all, wish me luck.

Brittany Murphy...

I just found out Brittany Murphy passed away at age 32 today from a full cardiac arrest.
I was a fan of hers. She was funny, talented and a great entertainer.
There were "rumors" for years of her being anorexic- which I believe she was and I wish she would've gotten help for.
I understand the effects of anorexia all too well, having almost died from it repeatedly.
I have a bad heart because of my past eating disorders. Which by the way are never ever cured- they are maintained.
Just a month before I got pregnant with Levi- I was in an ambulance because I felt like I was having a heart attack.
Dave has been there with me through a lot of it- trying to help help break through the disorder and see that happiness is not all physical and shallow.
Eating disorders are shallow. There's always a bigger reason- the big one being CONTROL. Feeling your life is out of control- but you can control what goes into your mouth- and how much you weigh.
It's a sad disease and very lonely.
There's way more to life than your BMI or what size jeans you fit into.
Being obsessive in any way about your weight, your size clothes, how many hours you work out- all of it- is a sickness.
Now please don't spout that "But I'm taking care of myself" bullshit. "My body is a temple".
Because taking care of yourself- is more than exercise and low-fat foods.
It's what's going on inside you- your mind and soul. All this- all the outside- is forever changing and means nothing in the long run.
Your body is a case for your soul. It's your soul that needs tending to and love and care. It deserves real attention. Maybe if you paid more attention to your soul- than your size clothing- you'd be a more interesting person.
A person of REAL worth. Of real substance.
Anyways, it's just a thought.
R.I.P. Brittany Murphy- God Bless you and I hope you are at peace.