Diagnosis and Christmas

Levi was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS, with "the most severe symptoms of autism".
He's under two years old- and they don't diagnose most kids with Autism this early.
Everyone I tell, goes "Awww" or "Shit!" or "Fuck!!!"
I'm always surprised and kind of amused by this reaction.
I went through all this with Violet over two years ago.
I went through a whole week of crying thinking- "What did I do during my pregnancy that caused this?" Or just flat out "How did I cause this?"
Blaming myself- most parents go through this in the beginning.
I'm way past this stage. Even though people ask me all the time "Do I know what caused it in both my kids? Did I do something different?" All the usual inappropriate questions people ask.
These things happen- yes and it happened twice to me.
But I don't ever wish for my kids to be different than what they are.
Yeah, Levi cries a lot and bangs his head a lot, but he also makes me laugh so much and loves me more than I ever believed possible.
Violet is also hilarious!! And has the very best laugh I've ever heard in my entire life!
I love them both so much- just the way they are- I don't believe in "curing" them.
This is so stupid to me. And I believe it makes the kids feel that they are "wrong" in some way.
Now Levi will be getting a lot more therapy and might even go to a school for two hours a day.
It's a big change for him, but I know it helps a lot in the end.
Many of my friends have no clue how to "handle" my kids.
When we're in a restaurant all together- and my daughter is eating cream cheese with her fingers and there's cream cheese all over her hair and face! The whole time- smiling and laughing to herself- just SO darn happy!
Levi crying in the highchair.
They get embarrassed.
This is so ridiculous to me- I mean "GET OVER IT!"
Where I go- my kids go- that's just the way things are.
I don't have money for babysitters- plus I don't trust anyone with taking proper care of my children. I knew many babysitters and they were a disgrace!
Especially since I babysat for over 13 years!!! I would've done anything for these kids- I treated them like they were my own. They even slept over my house.
I would've taken a bullet for them- yeah- when I take care of a child- that's the way it goes and is supposed to be- kid- first, YOU- LAST!
If you don't feel this way- DON'T take care of kids! You SUCK at it!!! Give UP!
Seriously! You suck!
That's why I don't trust nannies or babysitters.
But like I said- I can't afford them anyways.
I barely trust my family watching my kids.
Especially since Levi is even more destructive to himself lately.
He feel on his head twice in five minutes last night- thank goodness for carpeting!!!
I love my kids- and yes it is a challenge shopping with them and running errands- but that's what I gotta do.
Plus I miss them when they're not with me.
EXCEPT for last night- when I went to the supermarket by myself for a few things (seltzer I cannot live without you- you complete me!!!).
The kids were with Dave and Kayla at home.
I smiled at everyone, started conversations and went through every single aisle just plain HAPPY.
Everyone smiled back- and was so super nice!
It only lasted a few minutes- the shopping experience- but it was bliss!!
We got our Christmas Tree yesterday and put it together (fake of course- otherwise my kids would be EATING the TREE!!!)
Levi was rocking back and forth smiling staring at the lights on the tree, Violet was even teaching him NOT to pull the lights on the tree. She just pulled his hand away from the lights and said "Nah nah nah" In her sweet little baby girl voice!!
It was exciting!
We haven't put the ornaments on the tree yet- I'll be taking photos and recording when we do!
This is the first year that Violet is aware of Christmas. It's really special.


Kisses Bitches!

So don't say "Awww" or pity me- that's stupid.
All I ask is that you understand. That's all.
Not TOO difficult, right?

*photo of Levi with a christmas tree hat in a shopping cart

oh my! Oh me oh my!

Yesterday was INSANE!
Yeah I know, most of my days usually are- but really this was nuts!!
Dave, Kayla, my kids and I went to the nearby mall yesterday.
Kayla and I needed winter boots desperately and we wanted to get the kids some toys for the holidays.
The mall was packed- but that didn't bother me that much- what really frazzled me was Levi who screamed straight yesterday for about five hours!!!
My kids get days like these, I can't really do anything about it- just get through it.
Violet on the other hand was fantastic while shopping, she was happy and very well behaved!
Thank goodness!
I didn't get much shopping done because of Lee's screaming.
Afterwards we went to Loews' across the street from the mall. I had to pick up a  few things for the new place.
After an hour and half there going through aisles- I was going to drop!
Pass the fuck out- I was just pushing through it because Dave was still shopping, or at least looking around for things he needed.
Levi was STILL screaming!
At Loews's they have this "buggy" cart for kids- with a two steering wheels- it's very cute- and I'm very thankful for this invention! TRULY!!
I put Levi and Violet in this wonderful cart.
Levi has some issues with Violet- mainly because every time she sees him in the house she pushes him down to the floor- laughing hysterically. She thinks this is SO funny!
Levi is a very sensitive little boy- Dave and I say one day he'll be captain...of his tea party. While Violet is captain of the football team, the soccer team, track team- you get what I'm saying.
The minute I put Violet right next to Levi in the cart- Levi started pushing her away crying even more!
I,of course told Levi "NO". This Levi still has no concept of- the word "no" is like I'm speaking an alien language to him.
Violet was just looking at him, like "What is your problem?"
She still has no clue why Levi gets upset around her- at all.
Violet was holding a musical ornament that she kept playing over and over again- while Levi is crying banging his head against the steering wheel!
At one point lee was "driving" the cart holding both steering wheels- while Violet was obsessed with her ornament.
Hilarious!!!
You all know, my son is a head banger.
The steering wheel was soft- so there wasn't any worries- but he looked like a baby with road rage!
I had to laugh! So here I was laughing pushing this crazy looking "buggy cart" with both my kids- one of them screaming and banging his head against the wheel!
I looked like the worst mom in the world- I'm used to this look.
People look at me- like I can't "control" my kids because they don't understand that my kids are autistic!
Fuck 'em!!! That's what I say!
I told Dave we got to go home, I was going to pass out- and I had to get home and make dinner.
We called a car service- it's only $5 from the store.
We rang up everything at the cashier- the woman was such a cunt!
But I pushed it off- people have bad days- I understand this.
Then the car came- LATE. While my kids and I are freezing waiting forever for this damn car.
We were three adult two babies.
The guy said we were "too many people".
I said " But my kids are babies- they're small and will sit on our laps, it's only a few blocks"
He yelled at me "They're STILL PEOPLE!!!"
Are you kidding me???!!!
So I sent Dave, Kayla and my kids in the car with most of the packages.
There was no room for one of the strollers.
Plus it's pitch black outside- about 20 degrees,  I have no gloves, or hat- just a coat and a fucking empty stroller! I practically ran- 13 very unfamiliar blocks.
Before you get mad at Dave, it was my decision to send him home. He has a busted knee, and him, my kids and my sister mean more to me- than myself- any day.
I got home only a few minutes after they did- yeah I'm fast!
On the way there I saw this HUGE guy- looking all kinds of wrong-
I saw him, he saw me- on an empty sidewalk- I followed my instincts- and ran right into the street- with my empty stroller.
Yeah at this point- he thought I was FUCKING nuts- so he didn't follow me.
 Is stopped by a lotto place- thinking "oh man, THIS must be my lucky fucking day, Right?!" (sarcastically of course) I had three dollars in my pocket- I bought 3 tickets.
The guys at the counter looked at me and the empty stroller.
I told him I had been kicked out of a car, because the crazy driver said there were "too many people".
He asked how many blocks do I have to walk in the cold home?
I answered "Around thirteen".
He shook his head in awe- and wished me a lot of luck!
I finally got home, Dave was still loading bags into the house.
When I got settled- hands frozen- I realized I never had my phone with me- man I was SO lucky!
Dave tells me that he almost KILLED the driver!
The driver wasn't helping Dave unload the bags while Dave was holding Levi- so Dave snapped!
And threatened the driver " If you don't help me with these goddamn bags, I swear I will bust your fucking head in!"
Then yelled at my sister "Bring me Mister Rogers!!!"
Before you think Dave is out of his mind- we call our wooden baseball bat ( at least 20 lbs heavy), "Mister Rogers". We find this hilarious!
When the guy heard Dave yell at Kayla, he started hustling and moving the bags really fast!
Dave shouted "If you break anything in these bags and will bust your fucking kneecaps!"
The guy was so scared at this point.
Kayla had forgotten to get Mister Rogers- and thank goodness because Dave would've killed him.
Dave the whole time was thinking of all the horrible things that could have happened to me- driving him into madness, truthfully.
I know for certain- Dave loves me more than anything on the planet- even though we argue, I know this to my core.
He would kill for me, die for me- you name it.
He's obsessive this way.
And I appreciate it.
I was shocked when I heard what happened.
Even more shocked when I found out my mom had cooked and I didn't have to!
Woohoooo!
I sat the kids in their highchairs and we all ate everything so fast!
I had been awake since 6 a.m.- it had been a very "full" day for me-
Dave and I passed the fuck out the minute the kids did- at 8:45 p.m.
Sleep didn't last long- and we ended up awake most of the night tending to Violet- who made up for being so good that day, by keeping us hopping all night long. hahaha!
I even cleared out the refrigerator at four a.m!
I had time on my hands!



That was my insane day!!!
How was yours???


Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo that Kayla took of my kids and I in Loews

What's been happening??!

I've been so busy- with doctor appointments, phone calls, packing and my kids' therapies-
I don't know what day it is anymore! I haven't been sleeping well for what seems like forever now!
Last week Dave went to the doctor- and was told he's at high risk for a stroke- because of his high weight and blood pressure.
This makes me very nervous- and this morning he tells me that he's feeling dizzy and lightheaded and feeling a lot of pressure in his head every time he moves!
This scares the shit out of me!
He's going to the doctor again today- around 4 p.m.
I was supposed to go to the breast surgeon this morning- but then found out because he left the medical group I was a part of, a week ago and where I had all my testing done, he now has no access to my test results or medical records.
So there's NO POINT to see him today. Oh joy!
Looks like I have to find ALL new doctors for both my husband and I and our children.
This is such a pain in the butt!
But maybe this will lead to better care? Who knows? Maybe I find the doctor to ALL doctors- you know what I mean?
Since my kids and I, and now Dave are at the doctor every single week!
I'm worried about my husband's health, I'm nervous (and excited) about moving, how the kids are going to react to our new home- all these worries are why I'm not sleeping well at night.
Levi is finally going to have his psychological evaluation next Tuesday at home!
Woohoo! I've only been waiting for this for several months now!
Everyday he's banging his head and having meltdowns all day long-
I can't wait to finally have a diagnosis already- so that my son can get ALL the therapy he needs to get better.
It has helped my daughter so much- and continues to help her to this very day.
I'm not sure if Levi has the exact same type of autism my daughter has, but I'll find out soon.
And knowing this brings me some much needed peace of mind.
My family and I have also been furniture shopping- this is NOT as much fun as it sounds!
It's exhausting. If we were rich- I'm POSITIVE this would be a lot more fun!!!
We also went mattress shopping.
Dave had a lot of fun doing this. Every bed felt so foreign to me- and uncomfortable- so I let him pick out what he wanted. We had to get a new bed since he broke our current bed. We needed something DURABLE and comfortable.
We took our kids to Macy's holiday department- and they were so excited!!! They LOVE Santa and Christmas movies!
So this was so amazing to them. Levi couldn't believe his eyes! And Violet reached for every ornament known to man!
It was so much fun!
This would be the first holiday season in DECADES- that we wouldn't be totally broke!
My kids have never experienced a really GREAT holiday season- where we get to go shopping and do all holiday related outings.
Christmas has been so hard for us in the past- we couldn't get the kids any presents or decorate- we had no money- not even to pay the bills.
Every holiday season was so depressing.
I've spent a few in mental hospitals int he past. So I've never really looked forward to the holidays- until now.
This is the FIRST holiday season I'm actually looking forward to.
Our luck seems to be getting better- and I cant wait to see all the good things that's going to happen.
I see our lives changing for the better- Finally!!!!

All this aside, I have been feeling my mood going up and down throughout the day- I'm very easily irritated, I'll be depressed one minute- very happy the next.
This new birth control pill I'm on- I don't know if it's helping me or not.
I feel like a hot air balloon! Just totally blown-up.
I don't know if I should stop this medication or just wait it out.
My mom told me- many years ago, she gained nearly 100 pounds on birth control pills! ( yes this was over 35 years old- but still!) This scared the shit out of me!
While I was pregnant with Violet I gained 120 pounds!! Yes, I started at weighing only 80 pounds- but STILL! That's a lot of weight.
I'm petrified!
Dave seems to be happy though- he LOVES when my ass and boobs grow. He was SO happy when I was nearly 200 pounds, pregnant with Violet. He's nuts!!!! But I appreciate his insanity very much.
But I am very thankful, I'm with a man that appreciates curves ( the bigger the better!) and never ever tells me to lose weight.
I've been having nightmares- that I want to be an actress (which I don't), and am going on auditions only to be told I'm FAT and ugly.
Fun right?!

AND my mom is also having a biopsy and sonogram done (this week and next) to make sure she doesn't have ovarian cancer.

Do you think this is enough to be worried about???!

That's what been happening so far-
Again, I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing as much. My book, has been put on a temporary hold right now. Until I move and get settled- then I'll continue writing. Actually then- I'll be more than happy to write!


Kisses Bitches!!!
PEACE!

*photo found on google- I thought this crazy holiday cat photo was appropriate.

Please... you've got to help mee...

I took Violet to the doctor EARLY this morning. I was out of the house before 8 A.M.- ON A SATURDAY!

We don't know what's causing her to be sick- it could be a number of parasites- so they will be testing her for that. I also JUST got the list of things needed for Violet to be ALLOWED to start school- such as shots and things of the sort.

So today on top of everything she got her first TB shot. Oh my!

And Tuesday I have to go back to the doctor early in the morning to "read" her TB shot results- meaning she can't start school that day. Also on that day she might be receiving a few vaccines as well. And you all know how I feel about vaccines...

I feel so bad for my baby girl.

So today I took her shopping- for some much needed shoes and a book bag and lunch box.

Payless has an awesome sale right now and I had a twenty percent off coupon on top of that.

She LOVES shoes and bags- in this sense she is a girlie girl. But her favorite things are still the color blue and green and dinosaurs.

I have to see my doctor again soon. The medication he gave me for my thyroid isn't working- it's super low right now- I've been feeling my heartbeat going all over the place- I'm exhausted and my body hurts a lot.

I've been taking aspirin yet again. This always happens when my thyroid is really low and no one knows why.

I feel like I'm going to pass out- so I'll make this super quick.

On top of everything I had a very bizarre dream last night-

Eddie Murphy- YES- Eddie Murphy was in my dream. I have NO CLUE WHY.

And he told me I need to get myself checked out by a doctor. He signaled to my abdomen.

I said to him "Eddie Murphy, are you trying to tell me I have Cancer?"

To which he replied. "Yes."

Like I said bizarre.

So I really want to know my blood tests results now.

I'm not scared- I know no matter what- I'll live through it.

I just know this. I don't know how I know- I just do.

Dave just handed me two aspirin- and I'm gonna lay down now.

Thanks my beautiful bitches- for listening to my dumb ass.

Barbecue!!!

Yes!!! Barbecue!!! You all know how much I love BBQ!
Dave promised today would totally make up for how horrible yesterday was- and in the end- he was right.
The weather was horrible today- I don't like walking in the rain- I don't find it romantic, especially while wearing flip-flops!
We went to the Fairway in Harlem with our food stamps. They have good prices on meats and fruits. It's pretty packed on the weekends- but we left the kiddios with my mom and sister.
So I didn't have to worry about the kids loosing their minds in the middle of the store. I still was in a hurry- because I don't enjoy shopping as much as I used to. Shopping with the kids- is exhausting- and shopping without the kids- I'm worried about them the whole time. I also don't want to stay out too long- otherwise the kids will drive my mom and sister nuts!
So we kind of rushed through fairway. Our cart was overflowing.
They have a room that's a whole freezer- and it's...freezing cold.
I brought a jacket with me- just for this room!
A woman walked up to me- with no jacket, freezing her butt off. They have coats there for people to use, while in the cold room. I suggested this to her- she said that's gross- to which I had to agree. She then started getting closer to me- and closer. I think she was using me for body heat. A little unnerving. But I've had stranger things happen- so I didn't really mind. Dave saw this woman standing really really close to me- and thought it was really funny. I guess I didn't look too comfortable.
Near Fairway is Dinosaur BBQ. I've never been there- but I've wanted to go for a really long time now.
Dave really wanted to go there badly- and it was raining hard- so we went in.
We haven't spent anytime alone in a very long time. I felt a little guilty- I don't know why.
I guess being poor makes me feel like this about every penny I spend.
I had a great time there. It's a really cool place. The food is great and I like how chill everyone is there. While waiting for the yummy food to arrive, and even after the food arrived, Dave and I kept ourselves busy and laughing by taking funny photos of each other with my cellphone.
Dave had a few drinks- I didn't. I haven't drank since my birthday party- where I got piss fucking drunk. Yeah- I don't like drinking the way I used to, I still do enjoy wine though. Anytime, anywhere.
He was pretty tipsy when we left. I was the designated walker- not driver.
We went from there to Michael's and T.J. Maxx.
At Michael's they have little nic-nacs, that Violet really enjoys for like a dollar.
I found out from her school that she really like hamsters! Yeah- I had no idea. Apparently she stole every hamster puzzle piece they had in the classroom and would hoard it- so no one else could play with them.
They had several little toys animals in Michael's. I got her two dinosaurs, a little car and...a hamster.
This woman came up to me and sort of yelled "Hi!" to me. I found it bizarre especially since her lipstick was crooked. I then realized- this crazy person worked there!
When I come across people like that- my gaydar goes off. That was some whacked out lesbian that's for sure. She kind of wouldn't leave me alone- constantly asking me if I needed anything.
After we left there, we went to T.J.Maxx. This is one of my favorite stores. I immediately go to the clearance sections. I was able to get Levi and Violet coats. I also got Levi some awesome T-shirts for about two bucks! And I finally got myself something- a pair of ankle red cowboys boots. Yeaaaaaaaaah baby. Also two pairs of jeans- because as you all know I don't fit into any of my clothes right now. So at least I won't be naked right? At the very least.
We then went home, to an exhausted grandma.
Did I mention Dave was drunk while shopping?! He was ramming the shopping cart into everything! This is why drinking- and shopping cart driving is a bad idea!
(BTW I always have fairway deliver- it ends up better for Dave and my backs)
So the food had just arrived, and I went straight to cooking dinner for everyone. I got a bottle of dinosaur's BBQ sauce and made pork chops for everyone. Delicious!
Except Dave and I were still full from Lunch.
So everyone had a taste of BBQ today- and in the end- that's all that matters right?!
Some fucking great BBQ, that's what!

In the end- today was great- tons better than yesterday.

As always, Kisses Bitches!!
P.S. my wrist still hurts- but I had to blog about today!!


* here's a photo Dave took of me licking a yummy rib- with my phone at Dino BBQ
I highly suggest going there!
And when everyone was done eating- and the kids were bathed. Violet snuggled up with her two dinosaurs and hamster- which totally made my day!

Bargain shopping

Some of my favorite words put together- bargain and shopping!
This is what I do day in and out. I LOVE shopping but as you all know I'm poor poor poor.
I'm in LOVE with fashion- I grow more and more fond of it with every passing day. I feel my style has also gotten better with age. I've tried every look imaginable.
I'm always up to date with style- I love watching fashion shows via videofashion daily.
There are a few rules I follow when shopping-
1-never ever pay more than $19.99 for one item- ever! Unless it's Men's clothes- then under $24.99 ;)
Every chic article of clothing I wear I bought for under $19.99
Most are $10.
I'm also learning to accessorize!
2- Clothes that FIT well- are key! David sews- so if I need something hemmed, or taken in- he helps. I would love to learn to sew!!!
Men seem to think they don't need to buy clothes that fit- but a proper tailored suit- is worth a million dollars- even if you got it on clearance.
3- ALWAYS look for promo codes! ALWAYS!
Never ever buy online without looking for a promo code. Most are easy to find.
Except for Victoria's Secret promo codes- those are a pain in the fucking ass! If you've ordered from them online- then you know what I mean. Always sign up for special offers and promotions. This includes food items as well.
4-Just because something is in fashion- doesn't mean it'll look good on everyone or that it should be in fashion in the first place. Like this whole floral pattern fad- yes some look nice- but MOST look atrocious and tacky.
5- NEVER EVER pay full price for any item- UNLESS- it's done by a small business- then by all means support the working man- or woman. Always shop what's on sale.
6- The item of clothing or accessory- should be able to be worn with different outfits.
7- Simple is ALWAYS better. Too many patterns or colors, or accessories- looks tacky and distasteful.
8- A belt is almost always a good idea.
9- Never be afraid to ask someone where they got what they're wearing.
10- Whatever you buy, make sure you can walk AND sit in it.
I'll leave it here, and return if there're any rules I remember.

Kisses to my shopping Diva bitches.

The Joys of Bulk Shopping...

Costco opened on 117th street and FDR recently and it is GLORIOUS!
I went in the beginning of the month- to the beloved Costco and it was a day of dreams.
I'm the kind of gal that is more than happy to spend a day in Costco or Walmart or Target. Very happy.
I used to think- who would shop like this?? In such big quantities. Now I know.
I would! In feeding a family of seven- things go quick!
I grab things like a huge tub of mayonnaise and say to Dave- we NEED this right now!
But of course I know once opened there'd be NO place to put the lovely jug o' mayo.
Oh the sadness.
I remember back to the days when I'd be at my grandma's. She always shopped like she was knee deep in the depression. Three jars of applesauce ( a Jew staple!), 20 cans of tuna- I mean she never ran out of anything. At least that's what it seemed like.
Then I'd come back home and we had run out of about everything- and I'd say to my mom why can't we shop like grandma????? Then we'd never run out of anything, EVER!
And of course she'd answer- "Because I only had enough money for ONE jar of applesauce, okay?!"
I would LOVE to shop like my grandma used to. She would've loved Costco. She would've bought everything they had!
Costco has the best price on diapers- but I never have enough to go over there and buy them. And it may seem insane to buy a box of over 200 diapers- but not with my daughter! That's enough for maybe two weeks- just maybe. and that's not including my son's diapers.
What I'd give for a day of bulk shopping again.
On another note- I went to the $.99 cent store today- one of my favorite places- and an older woman was short the ridiculous $.07 cent tax they add- and I gave her a dime.
She was so greatful. It didn't seem like a big deal to me- but it was nice to be able to do SOMETHING for someone else- even if it was just a dime.
I understood what she was feeling. I've been grateful for a dime before- many many times.
I donated $10 to Hope for Haiti Now. It'll go on my mobile phone bill- God knows I owe them a bunch of money why not throw on another $10- that'll actually help.
I wish I could donate so much more- and help more people in need.
I know that day will come. Hopefully soon.

As always stay tuned for more ramblings of me...
May you have an abundance of health, wealth, love and happiness always.