Thursday, April 29, 2010

An almost nervous breakdown

I went to court yesterday, without a lawyer, because I was having a hard time finding one that would take the case.
Spent half the day come out with nothing.
I'm still seeking a lawyer. My sister went to the epilepsy clinic today, to find out she may be having seizures throughout the night! Which is why she wakes up in a daze. I'm terrified. All I keep picturing is when I thought she was dead and not breathing. I'm so scared. Plus now my son seems to be having seizures as well, as of two nights ago.
I hate this fucking apartment!
So yeah, now my sister will have to stay in the hospital for three days next week. Her and I are never apart, so I'm going to be totally losing it.
And Levi will have to do the same thing Violet had done in the hospital.
In the midst of all this, I'm really really ill, and have no time to get better. I didn't even have time to see the doctor today.
Dave has to go to food stamps yet again, because they closed our case AGAIN. Saying they mailed us things they never ever did. Why are poor people ALWAYS fucked with?!
Levi's also in the middle of evaluations from several different types of therapists.
Because he is experiencing many delays. Which means he'll be getting hours of therapy a week as well.
And on top of that, I'm trying to make sure everyone's eating what they are supposed to be eating, since I have three diabetics here (Dave and my dad) and another(my sister) who NEEDS sugar, constantly I have to make sure her blood sugar doesn't get low because that also leads to her having seizures.
It all came tumbling down on me today. Like it all of a sudden hit me- all the pressure, and stress.
I just laid down on the floor crying to myself. The whole time trying to pull myself together.
So it wasn't a full meltdown, because believe me I've had quite a few of those in the past.
I just feel like this is TOO much. Too much for me to possibly handle, but I have to, there's no choice.
I've got to do a million and two things in the next few weeks. and I can't even get myself better.
I NEED a miracle RIGHT NOW!!!!
God?! Anyone???

Hopefully a miracle is on it's way!!!

More to come.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I feel the need to be a robot. Maybe then I'd be able to do everything with ease and all by myself.
I could definitely use a robot, maybe robot nanny???? Like Rosie from the Jetsons.
Because I don't want a nanny, a person to take care of my children FOR me. I just want more help in my daily activities. I feel like a secretary or a personal assistant to my family most of the time, instead of a mom, or wife or even me really.
I keep dates, phone numbers, addresses, appointments all in my head. I bought two white boards to place these things onto, but not to help me, but to help my family, even know what's going on from day to day.
I'm running on less than half a tank of gas, with several body parts hurting me, I'm emotionally numb most of the time, and mentally drained.
And there's all the things I want to do but feel like I never get a chance, like making a single with my boy, Marco. He's a music genius, and we always have a great time together. I want to go check out my friends performances, since they are all different types of artists.
But most of the time, I'm having internal conversations with myself all day and night long. Things I would like to be sharing with others, but no one seems to be listening or want to listen.
For a bipolar, this is a lot to handle. Actually I feel it's a lot to handle for anyone, even for a regular Joe.
Everyone looks to me for the answers. Who do I look to?? I don't know.
I guess I'm getting a bit depressed. Not a lot, just a little bit.
I'll do my best to shake off the feeling. Not that I'm allowed to be depressed. I'm not even allowed to be sick, and rest- so why would I possibly have the time, to be depressed.
Anywhoo- this is my news for now.

Kisses Bitches.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Wearing down

Tonight was a night of horrors. I'm pretty sure a few hours ago, my son had a small seizure. Yup, you heard me. I called the doctor, don't worry- and no I didn't go to emergency. Frankly I'm terrified of hospitals, not because I practically live there most of the time, but because'd my doctor put it? Oh yea, I'm the poster child for things that can go wrong in a hospital.
I can't step into a hospital without thinking of MRSA. For those of you who don't know what this is you should be grateful.
My son and I, on the other hand know it all to well.
Just so you know, hospitals- are COVERED in this. It is a type of penicillin resistant, staph infection. And it can kill.
My son and I contracted this when he was born. I was put on emergency high dose antibiotics through an I.V. TWICE because it was killing my body.
So yeah, I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. When I go in for something, I sometimes come out with something else entirely. Scary, I know.
So instead, I'm choosing to take him to the doctor tomorrow.
And tomorrow BTW is my sister's Birthday! She turns 20!!!
I'm worried for my children, both of them.
My throat's been hurting me so bad for days now, and seems to get worse. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Most likely I'm sick from the mold in my room.
I've been under a lot of stress, A LOT.
I haven't had anytime to take care of myself. And I'm not complaining- all I want is for my kids to get better. And if that takes up every single second of the day and night so be it.
I've been in a fog these past few days. My vision's a little blurry, I feel weak, but I still push through, always.
My family has mentioned to me, that I'm getting thin again, and asked if they should be concerned.
That is usually a HUGE wake-up call for me. Like WARNING, things get bad after this if ignored.
Truthfully, I lack any desire for food. I eat because things are getting blurry, and my stomach growling. Not because I enjoy it, or even want it. It kind of repulses me at times.
Also Dave has been diagnosed with Diabetes, and my dad is too. So we have way healthier food here, not much sugar. And really, I live off sugar, and salt.
I know, it's bad but I feel like so many of my old go-to foods have been banned from the house. I know they are technically allowed here, but I can't take the chance my dad or Dave would eat it.
I used to be an emotional eater, I was taught this as a child. Do you feel down?? Eat this, you'll feel better. It took a lot of hospitalizations to fix that. But now I'm an emotionally eater, the other way around. I don't want to eat when stressed.
There's just so much going on right now, no one can help me with.
And yes, I know you'll all going to say "You need to take care of yourself, blah blah blah". I am aware of this.
I know I gotta get my shit together. It's hard because most of the time, I feel alone. Like a one man army.
I go to court on Wednesday morning. The landlord wants the rest of the back rent I'm sure, but he ain't gonna get that. Not with all the damages.
I'm having a difficult time finding a good lawyer, that I don't have to pay till we win. Because we WILL win. This I know.
I just want money to be able to get the fuck out of the hellhole, we call a home. And to finally to able to give my children great health and happiness.
I pray every night for all my family, and all my friends.
I hope God will hear my prayers and better all our lives.

God bless you.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Operation Housewife: COMPLETED.

I've found out a lot of things this week, mainly about my apartment, I won't go into details, but I've known for years this place was killing us. It's just a bad place.
So I've been cleaning like a mad woman, this weekend. I'm going to be donating all old clothes, the kids clothes, toys, everything.
I always hated cleaning in the past.
Maybe because when growing up, my mother was a complete neat FREAK! Everything was spotless. My friends weren't allowed on my bed, in the living room, the toys had to be kept clean and tidy, the list goes on and on. She was obsessed, for sure.
So I hated cleaning. I thought you had to be crazy to enjoy it.
Turns out that might be true.
I have a lot running through my mind all day long, like an internal conversation, of things that need to get done, my feelings about such things, etc.
I used to be hot-tempered. REALLY REALLY hot-tempered. I threw stuff, smashed things, I was really damaging, not only to objects but also myself.
I changed that when I was pregnant with Violet. I knew I had to change for my baby. I didn't want her growing up seeing me react that way when I got upset.
And ever since then, I've really controlled myself and my emotions.
I was upset yesterday, while cleaning, not because I was cleaning, but because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING, and not getting enough help day in and out.
So while mopping the kitchen, scrubbing and scrubbing, listening to my music blasting in my headphones, I felt like I was getting my anger out, in a positive way. No one was getting hurt, and at the end everything would be clean. That can't be bad right?
I think I've turned into those women who clean when they're angry. Weird, right?
I used to be this insanely ambitious person, usually manic, very career oriented, nothing could stop me. Now this person is still in me, but has been modified somewhat.
I'm now more family/community oriented. This is what drives me to better myself and things around me.
The things I want have changed, I now want a house ( or huge penthouse- that would do;) with a backyard/patio where I could have a garden to grow my own vegetables and herbs, a safe place for the kids to play and learn, neighbors I talk to and actually like, money to be able to pay bills with no worries, and my friends and family close by.
Before, I wanted world domination. Not joking, and if I continued being manic- I probably could have had it.
So yeah- maybe you do have to be crazy to enjoy cleaning. Good thing, I already am.

Kisses my clean, sexy bitches!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Short Gross story

Beware this may be considered gross for some of you.
Not the mommies out there, that's for sure.
My son has bad acid reflux, he's had it since he was born. He's taken Zantac twice a day ( before lunch and dinner) for awhile now. The doctor wanted to see if we could start taking him off the medication.
I did what he said and this is what happened.
My son tried Country Vegetable soup (baby food puree)for the first time, with no Zantac before hand. He was complaining and his teeth had been hurting him all day (teething of course), so we gave him some baby Motrin.
He was still complaining. I took him inside the bedroom and put him in his crib. He started gagging, and I picked him up, because I'd rather he puke on me than on his bed. So yeah, that's when the puking started. All over my shirt, my bra, under the shirt ( he threw up into my cleavage), than into Dave hands, then again on my shoulder and then when we thought he was done- he puked again- on the side of my FACE!
Now this Dave and I found incredibly funny and started hysterically laughing.
Then I had to give Levi and I a bath, for the second time today.
Now I don't find this gross because Levi's a baby, it was just a jar of baby food- not adult food. So it didn't smell or anything like adult puke.
This event is so typical Levi.
Anyways, that's my story. My advice- Never EVER trust a baby!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

One of the worst days ever, like for sure.

I woke up exhausted, as per usual. But I literally forced myself out of bed today. I knew Violet was going to have picture day in school today, and I wanted her to look perfect.
The minute I entered the living room, I saw Kayla not looking so well. She said "My blood pressure's going up and down". I ran to her and before I could catch her, her passed out and fell face first to the floor. I freaked!
She took longer this time to wake up. I feel that she was having a seizure. But I one point I thought she stopped breathing! Her whole face lost all color. Her lips were white! I was so scared, I thought for a split second my sister was dead. I yelled to Dave, who was worried to but then saw her take a very shallow breath. We were both relieved. My heart cannot handle things like this. I felt horrible horrible pain in my legs and arms,wile I was holding her in my arms on the floor, and felt like I was going to vomit and pass out at the same time! I imagined my sister and I being wheeled to the emergency room, and I told myself "Get it together!!!!". Dave gave me and my sister a glucose tablet and some water, which made both of us feel a little bit better.
Kayla came to, finally after a good 5 minutes!
Four cops and two EMTS, showed up to our apartment, asking where the four year old that passed out was? We were all so confused and told them my sister was almost twenty years old, not four! To which they seemed relieved.
It caused quite a commotion in the building. Everybody's definitely talking about us now, for sure. My sister was then taken by ambulance to the hospital.
After this all happened, I still had to get Violet dressed and ready for picture day. BTW When the cops were here, all she did was stare at their walkie-talkies. SHE FUCKING wanted it so badly.
So she was pretty calm through the whole thing, Levi not so much, he was screaming.
I got Violet dressed and got her on her school bus. This whole time, I still felt like passing out.
Dave and I stayed up with Levi, who was going nuts the entire morning. After I got Violet off the bus, she went straight into therapy. Dave at that point was really exhausted, and was snapping at me and really really pissed. He looked like he was gonna kill me, so he decided to go to bed, so he would've totally snap. And from there, I had to take her to her sensory gym, that's about 10 blocks away. She was falling asleep, and her therapist and I were trying to keep her awake, because SHE LOVES her time in the sensory gym, it's awesome!
When we got there, we woke up her, she was screaming, then I had to take her drink away, because no drinks or food is allowed at the gym, which lead to Violet having a total meltdown, then it starts storming outside. I had no umbrella, no cash, no nothing! And she was still screaming! I had to stay with her during her therapy, and run after her repeatedly.
When we were about to leave, the sun came out, thank goodness!!! And I practically ran, pushing Violet in the stroller home.
I got home, and just broke down crying. Thinking about my sister being dead... Kayla can never leave me, she's my baby, I don't know what I'd do without her.
I was literally having a panic attack all day long. ALL DAY.
This has been a bad fucking day. I'm so fucking tired, emotionally and physically.
Kayla will be going to a neurologist very shortly.
We're all watching her like a hawk, she's never going to be alone. It's too scary.
So yeah, this day was one of the worst ever, like for sure.

Kisses bitches!

Hopefully some good news will come soon.
Pray for us.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

DAMN that ASS!

So this post is mainly about jeans...and asses, cuz that's just the way things roll.
I have the hardest time finding a good- and inexpensive great pair of jeans. I'm not willing to throw down $100 for a stupid pair of denim.
It never ever fits the hips and the waist at the exact same time. It's a huge problem for girls with asses. I love big butts, even when I was a teeny weeny teenager. Sorry small butt girls, you just ain't my style.
I hate when a pair of jeans gives "pancake ass". When the ass has been shmushed into the legs by the jeans, giving flat ass. I like a great pair of jeans that gives a great big bubble butt. Something JUICY, ya know. You big girls feel me.
I remember way back when, Marco and I would walk through the city, checking out chicks. It was hilarious. His question to me always "You'd hit that?"
Of course, my response would be "Yeeeeeeeah, I'd hit that!!!" And we'd laugh hysterically.
He always loved junk in the trunk- yeah I'm totally outing you Marco, tough titties!
I kind of looked up to Marco when I was a kid. He was a rocking DJ, lived in clubs (with me by his side usually), had the coolest clothes, the hottest chicks, he was big pimpin', no doubt. I forever have him in my heart and in my head, he's my boy.
Through him and Dave, I learned slowly to like my curves, and not want to be boyish.
At least not in the behind area. As for the tits, I still want to be flat chested, it's my thing. I envy those with itty bitty titties. If you've read my past blogs, you know why.
And to those of you, who have no clue what I'm talking about. I've mentioned before I was bisexual for all of my life (yes ALL) till I got married. Now my sexuality is MARRIED. That's it.
Back on to my original topic. So yeah, finding a good well fitting pair of jeans is difficult. If any of you have a good suggestion for jeans, let me know, I'm all ears!!!

Holla to all the juicy butts out there!!!
Kisses to my sexy bitches!!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Yesterday was a long day.

Yesterday was a very long day.
Violet got sick from the hospital, and later that day got a fever and a bad sinus infection. She felt horrible.
I was able to get an emergency appointment with her doctor. Levi had an appointment the same day, because I needed a form for WIC to be filled out by their doctor.
Violet got high dose antibiotics, and Levi got a check up as well.
I've been saying to many many people, that I feel Levi is not where he's supposed to be developmentally. And still, even after everything I've been through with Violet, people still think I'm paranoid. I've also been noticing Levi's left eye going in a totally different direction than his right eye.
So the doctor, looked at him, asked me many questions, and saw what I saw.
He told me to contact Early intervention (the services my daughter gets) for Levi to get evaluated RIGHT AWAY. I hadn't even mentioned to him at that point, that I felt he was behind.
He told me Levi also had a lazy left eye. And that everything I've been feeling was spot on.
This doctor is our family doctor. Dave also sees him. The doctor asked me why Dave hasn't come for a follow up to his physical? I asked him if Dave was diabetic. The doctor said "Yes".
And then told me, how he's sure Dave wants to be around for me and the kids and he has to change his ways now, if he wants to be able to be around for us.
It was quite a shock for Dave, when we got home and I told him the news.
So now he's way more serious about getting healthy, thank goodness.
Man, my family's been having it rough. Just tonight Violet puked. She feels terrible.
I feel terrible that my kids are sick all the time. And now I find out, what Dave and I have thought for years, is true. There is mold in my apartment, and that's definitely making us sick.
I wish we could get out of here so badly. I want the best for my kids and I feel like I'm not giving it to them by being in this apartment. I hope the landlord makes a huge turnaround, and offers a juicy buyout. I would move to a place with a backyard, where I can have a garden, know my neighbors.
Here's to wishing. Anyone know an affordable lawyer?? Or at least a lawyer that works pro-bono???

Let me know!!!!

Kisses my beautiful and crazy bitches!!!

Huggies almost killed my baby

I'm sorry it took me so long to write this. This actually happened March 27th, the same day my sister was rushed to the hospital.
That morning I woke up to my son gagging, I thought he was throwing up. I got up so quick form the bed and ran to him in the crib. He was gagging. I saw something white deep in his mouth and throat. I was able to pry it out of his mouth, thank goodness. He was shook up. But eventually he calmed down.
It was a loose piece from the diaper. The whole package of huggies we bought from Costco was defective, and had loose pieces in the diaper.
So to all parents of kids in diapers out there, CHECK the diaper before you put it on. Don't ever take it for granted that they are safe.
I contacted Huggies that day. They don't me they were very sorry, and would send "a generous compensation". This "generous compensation" for my son almost dying, was a three coupons for a free package of huggies and three coupons for three dollars off diapers!!! WOW.
What a slap in the face. I wasn't expecting anything, I just wanted them to be aware that this CAN happen. and DID happen.
So beware of all diapers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace, love and baby bottles
More to come...

House Inspection

We went to court a week ago, I know I didn't mention it, because the landlord was trying to evict us yet again.
Don't worry, we're still here, he didn't win. We had told the judge there were many damages in our apartment, to which the judge (who was AWESOME) sent inspectors to our house to search for mold and lead. They just came, and we found out there's mold in my bedroom, where my kids and us sleep.
Besides that, we don't know if there is lead in the house yet, but we'll find out in 10 days when we get the report. I think there is.
They were very nice and very thorough, they had kids themselves, so they understood our worries.
My ceiling in my bedroom has mold due to the lousy job the painters did last year.
Maybe now, when we go back to court, the landlord will offer us a fabulous buyout.
Because I'm ready to nail this fucker to the cross.

More to come...hopefully great news!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Violet's hospital stay

Dave and I stayed overnight in the hospital last night with our daughter Violet.
It was probably one of the longest day/night's ever.
Thank goodness Shannon was there with us when we got there. She keep Violet busy with games and toys.
Then it came time to "hook" Violet up. This was to test if Violet was having any seizures that were keeping her from sleeping.
26 wires were hooked up to Violet. During that time Shannon and I worked hard to keep her occupied. I brought a portable DVD player with me that I borrowed from my aunt, but the battery died 5 minutes into Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (her fave show of all time). So Shannon and I sang, counted, did everything we could think of. Dave was getting Violet something to drink, and couldn't be let into he room, because then it would disrupt the process.
Violet cried and cried. In the end her head was wrapped tightly, then all the wires were wrapped, which connected to a heavy small bag that she had to carry like a messenger bag, which then attached to a wall monitor. She was under video surveillance the entire stay.
After the crying she eventually calmed down, especially when she saw the playroom.
I thought- wow, it's not that bad. But then I found out the playroom closed at 6 P.M!!! Which is nowhere near the time she goes to sleep. And it didn't open until 10 A.M! Dave and I were jumping trying to entertain her for 14 hours in a very tiny room!!!! She slept better there than at home, she still woke up every 5 minutes but she did go back to sleep until about 5 A.M. We were exhausted, mentally and physically. I had not been feeling well for days now, and Dave was still sick with a sinus infection- so we were not up to par at all.
The rest of the day we spent chasing her because she wanted to run all over the pediatric neurology unit.
The doctor eventually came and told us, she's not having seizures, but they need to do more testing. Probably an MRI, eventually and she had her blood taken twice for genetic testing, to make sure her autism won't get worse.
I told the doctor my kids and I are always sick, we get sick every month. To which, FINALLY, a doctor said "That's not normal. We have to find out what's wrong."
Thank GOD! So both my children and I, hopefully soon will be having more tests done. And hopefully get some FUCKING answers.
Violet is a warrior, she is amazing. Everyone loved her there. Thank you to all the wonderful nurses that helped us during our stay. Thank you to Shannon and my awesome social worker, and honorary family member, Michelle, for coming, showing support and helping us through this difficult times. We loved you both so much.

*photo of my princess and her lovey, Gorilla.

Peace, love and baby bottles,
Till next time.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Emo Potheads

So for awhile now my apartment has been reeking of this shitty fucking weed smell. And no it's not from my apartment, it's from these stupid emo teenagers who smoke this shitty fucking horrible cheap smelling weed on their fire escape, in my building's courtyard.
So they were out today, smoking the shitty stuff, stinking up my apartment- for the LAST TIME. I have Dave open my parent's window- because it's way too heavy for me- to be able to shout at them. And this is what I said "Hey!!! You're stinking up my fucking apartment with your shitty fucking weed. BUY better FUCKING WEED!!!!"
To which point they giggled- because they're fucking high. Then pointed to their friend- I guess the one that bought the crap stuff, and ran indoors. Then One of my neighbors yelled "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"
I guess the whole building felt the same way!
Stupid fucking emo potheads. Don't get me wrong, I'm very Pro-weed. But not shitty crap weed. Fuck that shit!

Just thought I'd share that.

Kisses Bitches!

Yesterday's madness

Yesterday was a horrible day. Just plain old bad day.
I had taken both my parents to the doctor. That went fine. But before I had to leave the house I felt sooo super hungry but I had no time to eat.
So by the time I got back, I was starving. By the time I finally got to eat, I got really dizzy. Like I was going to pass out.
I mentioned this to Dave, he got instantly terrified, and jumped up off the couch. He saw that my sister hadn't stopped eating and seemed unfazed, so he got enraged and smacked her in the back of the head. Then my mom started screaming at him. And an all out fight occurred.
See Dave has quite a temper. He goes from 0-60 extremely fast. This can cause problems.
I know, from experience, when he gets like this, I back off, and wait till the time is right to talk to him about what just happened. And just about always, he later sees what went wrong, and apologizes for losing his temper.
My mom doesn't know this- so she'll confront him right away- which then escalates really really quickly. And then I have to referee the fight to make sure they don't kill each other. Just to let you know Dave and my mom love each other very much. But they butt heads a lot of the time. Leading to extra stress for me.
Despite all this, we actually enjoy living together. I take care of everyone, the cooking, cleaning, making appointments, the shopping. We're a hive.
I count on my mother and Kayla to help me with my children. Without them, I'd be a wreck.
Anyway back to what I was saying before. So Dave and my mom really got into it. Dave leaves the room once he knows I'm not going to faint, to try to calm down.
My mom feels I take Dave's side a lot of the time. And I really don't. I do know that Dave needs to learn to control his temper, and that's it's not okay whatsoever. But my mom also needs to learn NOT to confront someone who's really enraged at the time. And to talk about it when the person has calmed down.
Dave apologized to Kayla later when he cooled down. And Kayla and him are okay now, they're like brother and sister. They are very very close.
But everyone does worry about his temper.
I had a talk with him last night, and he knows he has to work on this right away.
I grew up terrified of my father's temper. He hated me as a child. It's okay- I've more or less moved beyond this now. I have way more issues with him than this.
But yeah, he hated the attention I got from my mom. And therefore hated me. Whenever my mom would leave, he would take the time to terrorize me.
So I was deathly afraid of him for most of my life. Until I realized I could fight back- and WIN!
I take care of him now, even after everything he's done to me. He's gotten older, and forgetful. He's almost like a child of mine now. A defiant child, for sure.
So I worry about my children. I don't want them being afraid of their dad's temper. I know he would never ever hurt them, because unlike my father, he loves his children, and he loves me.
I'm posting this because this is something I'm going through. And I don't want anyone thinking this is written to make Dave look bad, quite the opposite, he's working on this problem, and he's an excellent father. The best I've ever known.

Kisses my beautiful bitches, just keepin' it real like always.

Till next time.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Short true story...

Last night while Dave and I were in the bedroom trying to put the kids to sleep, Dave was lying on his side on the bed. He rolled over to his back- and farted. Then rolled back to his side. He realized there had been a paper plate underneath his ass when he farted. Then took the plate and while handing it to me said "I served this for you".
We both cracked up laughing.
This is marriage. Point blank.

Friday, April 9, 2010


So my hair's growing back, thus far, and I've been able to workout again. So far so good. I don't know what's different.
I still have doctor's appointments a plenty but these past few weeks haven't been so bad. It has nothing to do with stress because I've been under even more stress lately than before.
Though my memory is out the window. I keep forgetting things, and it's a little to late in the game to be going through "Mommy brain".
I'm trying to get Dave to work out with me, the doctor's orders, occasionally he does. His doctor says he needs to make an immediate "lifestyle" change. Diet, exercise, the whole deal. Which is difficult for Dave, I know this, because he is a creature of habit. But little by little he's getting better.
I've been extra exhausted lately, with the working out and little sleep. By the time my head hits the pillow I can't move. I think the sleep deprivation is playing a role in my memory loss. I have two white boards in my living room, with things I need to remember written down.
These past few days, the weather has been awesome! I love hot weather! But Levi is taking some time adjusting. He hasn't been eating that much, or drinking and he overheated a few days ago, and was trembling. It scared the shit out of Dave and I. Now when we go out I have to force cold liquid down his throat to make sure that doesn't happen again.
I'm so overwhelmed most of the time, not knowing if I'm coming or going.
And lately Dave has been talking how having more kids- TWO to be exact!
I'm like- "HELL FUCKING NO! Are you NUTS?! I can't handle TWO! You want me to handle FOUR?!" He's out of his mind truthfully. If it was up to him now- I'd already have fourteen kids. I'd be barefoot and pregnant ALL the damn time!
See pregnancy- is the easy part, I'm happy and glowing, and cheerful, then comes the lack of sleep and the crying and the screaming and the fighting. I'm no fool.
And yes I love my children. I'm not saying down the road I don't want any more kids, but I need HELP with the ones I have now. What would I do with more????
Plus I was near death, not once, but twice, after I gave birth to Levi!!!
That fucking traumatized me. And man, Dave is SO super sweet and nice when I'm pregnant, I wish it could be like that always. But I'm only special when I'm caring his baby. FUCK! Plus I've been seeing pregnant women EVERY where- it must be a huge baby boom this year, DAMN!

That's the news for now.
Kisses Bitches!!!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


So last night I had nightmares. I woke Dave up, which I rarely do, for nightmares that is, and ...get this...cuddled. I DON'T cuddle. I'm not an affectionate person really. So it scared me bad, and I felt like maybe with my face pressed up against his back- because he's not used to me asking to cuddle- maybe then the nightmares wouldn't continue. They were very vivid. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember demons being in my dreams and instead of fighting them, I just gave in.
And I was pissed off in my dream because I knew I SHOULD be fighting, but I didn't.
I didn't get what my dream meant until a few minutes ago. I'll explain.
Today was Violet's CPSE meeting. For those of you who don't know- that's Committee for Preschool Special Education- through the Board of Ed.
My oh my, I had such high hopes for this meeting. I wanted for Violet to continue her home services, even after going to a new school.
I was shut down the minute the words left my mouth, at the meeting.
Thank goodness for Shannon, Violet's ABA therapist was there sitting right next to me. Without her- I would have cried. The new school wanted her to start, to my surprise, THIS COMING MONDAY!!! Instead of the summer, like we had planned.
And that would mean NO more Shannon, no more speech, no more occupational therapy- the whole shabang- WHOOSH- GONE! Starting Monday?!
Were they crazy?!
I was able to get it pushed till the end on June- but I'm beside myself, thinking What am I going to do without these wonderful people???
I find myself thinking- I should have fought harder- screamed, anything- to get what Violet needed. But I felt all this red tape in the way!!!
I mean- does anyone know about SO many of the Early Intervention (kids age newborns to 3 years old) services being CUT!!! By Governor Patterson??!!!
He cut these amazing services for these AMAZING kids who need them so badly- to save money!!! This is the WORST IDEA ever!!! And I can't believe it went through!!!
Why doesn't anyone know about this??? Why isn't this on the news???
The rate of kids with Autism is 1 out of 100 now, and they CUT these services- that help these wonderful children. Fuck THAT!
I would apologize for my rage- but no, this is justified. What Patterson did was WRONG!
And now the Board of Ed, is cutting back on services as well. This is infuriating!
So now I see what my dream meant- I didn't fight. I just let it happen.
Technically I DID fight- just not hard enough. I felt helpless, hopeless.
But now, I know I'm not going to give up- I'm going to be on this guy's back until he sees what I see. That my daughter NEEDS these extra therapies, and that she is making progress by leaps and bounds with their help.

I'm preparing for battle. I got my war paint. It's ON, bitches!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Sex. Nuff said.

Yeah I said it. SEX!
Now this wouldn't be a very good bipolar blog without talking about the obvious.
Most bipolar are nymphomaniacs. Bipolars are extreme. Which means they have addictions- be it drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, you name it.
I had it all except the gambling part. Which is funny because gambling addiction runs on my father's side of the family.
Truthfully, I don't remember a lot of my past lovers. Maybe they sucked. Most probably sucked.
It was surprising how many men have no clue how to have good sex. Really NO CLUE.
It's kind of sad.
The best lovers, are always Latin. Sorry white people. But you suck in bed in general. Not to say ALL Latins are good in bed. I do remember the worst sexual experience I ever had. His was Latin and skinny, and I won't mention his name, just in case he's reading this. That would be unfair to him.
He was too technical- no passion. It bored me- I just wanted it to be over.
I remember he said to me very ridiculously funny things to me in bed- not on purpose either. I weighed 109 lbs at the time. I don't lie about my weight- it's stupid.
And he asked me in the middle of it how much I weighed!!! I laughed!!!
I told him 109 lbs. At which point he said- "you feel heavier!" I laughed so hard!!!
He was serious!!! He must've been like 90 lbs. What a wuss.
The next day- I couldn't get out of there fast enough! He wanted me to meet his family- and I was just looking to leave as soon as possible!
He wanted a relationship- but at this point- set aside the horrible sex- I just wasn't feeling that at the moment. I moved from one person to the next- just to fill time. I had sex out of boredom. And they were all beautiful looking people- sucked royally in bed.
I remember one guy, millionaire BTW- a son of a famous Broadway producer, he was insanely bipolar, we'll call him "J". He cycled every other second. Every time was had sex, he'd say to me "Don't I have the biggest cock you've ever seen?" At which point I said "No"- he'd get so pissed! What a whack job! I said this because that was the truth. The biggest I ever seen- was a WHITE Man's dick- it was easily 10". I know- he was bad in bed also. No clue what he was doing. That's why men shouldn't feel bad about their size- because you can be good in bed- no matter what size truthfully. So "J" and I drank and partied, and tried everything in bed. Still I thought he sucked. I just used him to pass the time. I stopped seeing him, when I got bored. Which was quickly. Again, he wanted a relationship, wanted me to meet his parents. That was probably the kiss of death to me. That's when I knew I had to bolt!
I was always one foot out the door when the sex was done. I'd make up some excuse to leave- even if it was 3 A.M.
Yeah I know- to this day I'm like a guy. I rarely cuddle or have time for foreplay.
I don't talk about Dave in bed because that's tacky. But I will say this- he is the best lover I've ever had and that's saying A LOT! From day one- he rocked.
One of the many reasons we're still together. Bad sex is a deal breaker, no doubt.
My book, when I eventually sit down and write it, will go into a lot of detail about my sexual experiences because that's the juicy part.

So for now. Just do it- but do it justice!!!

Kisses to all my sexy, crazy bitches! MEOW!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Tired and Cranky.

I'm tired of being tired.
Most of you know by now- my children don't sleep. They eventually do fall asleep but NEVER EVER stay asleep.
This leads to Dave and I being tired all the time.
Coffee is my friend. Dave is a connoisseur of all energy drinks, shots and vitamins.
He is a TRUE caffeine addict. We've tried to get him off this addiction a few times- but that leads to HELL. I don't care if I'm an enabler- I don't like Dave acting like a Cunt.
It takes him awhile to go through complete withdrawal- and I can't go through that again. Plus- what else can we do to stay awake???
He's exhausted all the time. Tired all the time- no matter how much he naps.
And his doctors don't listen to me- when I explain there's a serious problem.
I don't nap. That's my thing- I can't sleep during the day- it completely throws me off. The only time I do nap is when I'm really, really sick.
Dave is night shift- technically. Though I have yet to sleep through a night. There's always one of the kids finding a way to wake me up repeatedly.
During the morning til the afternoon he sleeps. And it's Kayla and I taking care of the wee little ones. Violet's therapists do help. But a lot happens during the daytime- things need to get done. Cooking, cleaning, phone calls, doctor appointments, therapy, school, shopping, you name it.
My sister has become my husband- and no it's not as sick as it sounds. We're together all the time- taking care of the kids, doing errands together. She is my lifesaver!!! Without her I don't know what I'd do!!!
Of course we get on each other's nerves, but not as much as other siblings I know. We actually enjoy each other's company. Plus she "gets" me. My instructions and directions- she gets right away- no need to over explain. This comes in handy.
I don't know what I'll do when she goes to college nor when Dave eventually goes back to school to complete his master's degree.
I'll have gone totally insane by then- most probably within one day of being alone.
My kids are a handful- not only is Violet autistic and hyperactive, she needs attention every second of everyday to make sure she doesn't kill herself (she thinks she indestructible!)- but my son is a little handful as well. He's only 8 months old for goodness sakes. I can't possibly watch them both properly without someone else's help. I'd hire a nanny just to HELP me- because NO one person could EVER take care of both my children alone- at the same time. I triple DOG DARE YOU! You'd fail no doubt- because it is impossible. No super nanny- not anyone could do this.
Being tired all the time- wears on a marriage. Dave is cranky almost all the time. Which leads to many many arguments. And I DO understand where he's coming from. But all the fighting is hard.
To All my friends wanting to get married- I never tell them- it's a good idea. NEVER.
I usually ask, "WHY Oh why are you ruining a good thing?!!"
Marriage is the hardest thing- even more difficult than being a parent. Seriously!
That stupid piece of paper changes people. I don't know why but it does, and who ever says that it doesn't is LYING.
I've always lived with people. So it's not being around Dave 24/7 that's the problem. I'm not a loner.
It's the constant anger that's the issue, probably because we're both sleep deprived. He's always had a sleeping problem- even before the kids came. Always.
And now my kids have a similar problem. But he can stay asleep for hours and hours and hours. We're always mad at each other. Because both of us feel the other doesn't let us sleep enough.
I try to be in a good mood. Well at least not in a bad mood. Because that would suck. And being around me would then suck. Plus I want my kids knowing how much I love them, and love being around them- even when they are driving me crazy.
And believe me I KNOW I'm not a saint. And would never paint myself as one. Hello! I'm bipolar- I do have mood swings galore! But definitely not as bad as it was before.
So I'm getting off topic.
So I'm tired of being tired. Yeah- that's what this blog started with right?
So yeah- that's about it because if I keep going with this blog- it'll be ten pages.
SO I'll stop here.

Kisses to all my sexy, crazy bitches!
Peace out!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Went to A heart doctor today...

But he wasn't THE doctor I was hoping he'd be.
He didn't even ask me my family history or which medications I'm taking.
You know when you have this funny feeling that the person you've met gets an idea of who you are- and what you're about the minute they meet you- and nothing can derail their thoughts???
Well this was that moment. I'm so ticked!!!
Medicaid doctors SUCK ASS! Man what I would give for some good insurance to go to some REAL doctors. REALLY good doctors that is. You know ones that ask questions and ACTUALLY check you out!
Dear God!!! What the fuck- and I waited an hour and a half to hear what??? BULLSHIT! that's what. Nothing- he said "he wished he could help me". Are you serious?!
I knew no matter what I said, he wouldn't change his mind. FUCK DOCTORS!!!
Sorry for the rant- but this is majorly frustrating.
I didn't let it ruin my whole day though. Afterwards I went to H&M on 5th avenue.
What a MAD HOUSE!!! Crying babies, and crazy scary skinny white women running amok- like the place was closing or something. And I went in the afternoon!
I hate crowds- I really do. And you wonder why I live in New York? Because I got no where else to go. That's why.
I got myself a cheap cute hat ( I'm a hat FREAK), and a Sergent Pepper jacket ( on sale). Oh yeah and a $1.50 pair of 80's style doorknockers. If you don't know what doorknockers are- you're missing out. My ghetto fabulous queens out there know what I'm talking about.
I've had several friends and family members mention that they think I should write a book.
Now I've been thinking about this for a very long time now. I don't write fiction- I only write about what I know- my life experiences.
Now in my blog- I'm tame. Seriously. I know it's hard to believe- but believe me it's TAME. Especially compared to all that I've experienced in life. If I were to finally decided to write my book, it's be juicy- very juicy. And that's why I haven't decided for sure that I'm going to write it. Because I know many people that would be upset about what I write. Not many family members want me to put everything out there. I'm afraid some family members and friends would never forgive me, maybe not even Dave. It's kind of a scary thought. I would not write this book to purposely hurt anyone but if I'm going to write a book- it's going to be the real deal- raw, naked and the whole truth- there's no point to me doing this halfway. I need to go all out.
I mean what sells right? Sex, drugs, addiction- the whole shabang. And my book would have all of that.
I know a lot of my family would be embarrassed and ashamed of the things I've done- I know my mom already is- but she deals with it. And I understand why. I'm her little girl no matter how old I get. So I don't blame her.
The book would definitely be called The Bipolar Bible- for sure.
So maybe I'll start it- little by little- there's so many stories running through my mind- it's hard to write them down quick enough. HELLO RACING THOUGHTS!!!!!!! BIPOLAR!
If I could finished this whole huge project- from start to finish- man, that'd be amazing.

Kisses my beautiful, sexy bitches!!!