Tuesday, September 29, 2009


This by far is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life- not performing on stage, singing or acting or modeling nude, public speaking, nothing compares to being a mom. Especially a mom of two. It's learning to juggle- time, patience, objects, food - you name it. I've become quicker and better at multitasking than I've ever been. It's scary and rewarding- but not instantly. It'll be awhile till my daughter will say "I love you mommy." Even more years till my son says it.
I try to be a better mom every single day. Nothing keeps me on my toes more than being a mom. I get up out of bed everyday for them. With Bipolar- I suffer from depression- depression so bad- I can't function. But being a mom of two doesn't allow for that. I don't have time to be sick, rest or even pee alone. Too much information you might say- but that's all I do- talk openly- without regret about all things too personal for others to even think of sharing.
I prize my children because for many years I thought I'd never have children. I was told by doctors I wouldn't be able to conceive. I'd suffered from endometriosis- Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body. Which would prevent me from having children.
Very few of my friends know that I've had two miscarriages- one before getting pregnant which each of my children. So technically I've had four pregnancies.
And the pregnancies I had that did produce my children were very very difficult physically and I was on bed rest to prevent me from miscarrying again.
I've had two c-sections because I was unable to give birth naturally. Which I would've loved- being able to do a natural water birth-drug free.
But it's not possible to have surgery drug-free as everyone knows. haha.
The more drugs the better when you're being cut up.
I got pregnant with Violet after I had a dream a few months before that I had a four year old daughter named Violet. I knew after that dream I COULD get pregnant and that I WOULD have a daughter. I've had had premonitions since I was very little.
My dreams are usually premonitions- but never clear- always hard for me to figure out what they mean before they actually happen. I knew I was going to have a son before I was even pregnant with Levi.
Anyway- getting back to the topic of motherhood. I'm happier than I've ever been. Even though I'm more terrified than I've ever been in my life.
Having children is scary as hell. I worry for their safety every single second of the day. Especially with Violet since she puts her life in danger all the time- having no regard for her own safety- as she leaps off the couch or out of her crib- without a care in the world other than having a blast. Breastfeeding is also difficult because my son is ALWAYS hungry- he never stops eating- ever. So I have to supplement with formula- which I hate.
But I'll do whatever it takes- to feed and clothe my children and keep them smiling and laughing. After all that's my job- my purpose- one of my amazing purposes in life.
To be the greatest mom I can be and try to be greater each and every single day.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'm a nutrition freak.

This doesn't mean I'm a health freak. But I have read tons and tons of books and articles on nutrition. I've been obsessed with nutrition since I was a pre-teen in Junior High.
I have suffered from eating disorders plural- anorexia and bulimia- since I was 12 years old. I've been hospitalized for it twice. Both times were life changing. And I learned A LOT about nutrition from nutritionists in the hospital. One of the things I wanted to be when I grew up was a nutritionist. But I hated school and still do to this day.
I'm more for the unconventional approach to learning. Learning through living.
Even though I knew the right things to eat I was listening to what fashion magazines told me instead- to be skinny.
Being pregnant with Violet really changed my eating habits completely.
I now didn't eat to look a certain way- but to survive and have Violet thrive.
I have tried every "diet" out there and have learned not to diet ever again, but to only eat what I love.
One of the books I read that really changed my perspective about food was "Eat Fat". The book talks about the history of fat and explains that by actually eating what you like- when you like- you might even lose weight. Sounds insane right? But guess what- it's true. It's a brilliant book and I highly suggest it to any friend having problems with their weight and a history of eating disorders.
Another book that is changing my perspective about what I eat is a book I'm in the middle of reading now- "Real Food" by Nina Planck.
I'm loving this book and I want to read her second book about baby's first foods.
I highly recommend this book to anyone.
We live in a culture afraid of fat. Deathly afraid of it. Afraid of cholesterol, fat and calories. Afraid of eating, basically, and living too.
Eating is a pleasure- we don't eat purely to survive but to enjoy, to feel, to experience. And why not enjoy what you're eating- to love the food and feel good about eating it afterwards. No guilt attached to eating.
Eating has been called a guilty pleasure, which is ridiculous. Guilty and pleasure shouldn't be in the same sentence. Especially when it comes to eating.
I love wholefoods and the farmer's markets.
And I am broke- poor as fuck. But Wholefoods has their own brand of products and it's relatively cheap. I know doesn't sound believable but it's true.
Their meat and fish is often on sale as is their produce. I know the food is quality not just quantity. Which is important for poor folks like me feeding a big family of seven people.
Poor people, my people, are mostly fat. Why? Because we think we cannot afford the quality good foods that rich people eat freely. We buy very processed foods because they last- and they feed a lot of people for a low cost.
I've done it- bought crap just so my family could have food on the table. Being poor is a trap- believe me. But I'll get more into that at another time.
Fat or thin- I believe both can be healthy. Fat doesn't equal poor health. Nor does poor health equal fat.
I think it's long overdue that people change their perspectives about fat people.
First of all the word fat- shouldn't be considered bad or offensive. That needs to stop. When someone is offended by the word fat- it's probably because they are fat and they're ashamed of it.
I'm fat- and it's taken me a long time to be okay with that and not be looking to change that fact.
I've been extremely thin ( under 80 lbs.) and also fat ( 200 lbs.) in my lifetime thus far. And I can tell you- even though you get to fit into all the "cool" clothes-it doesn't make you happy. Especially when you're afraid of everything you put into your mouth.
I prefer eating full fat meals- bacon, steak, chicken with the skin on, and all deep fried foods. The thing is the meat is antibiotic free and grass-fed. The baked goods my family and I eat are made by me- I know what goes into it.
My cholesterol is excellent, sugar level- all of things the doctors test for is good.
Because of the foods I eat. If I lose weight or gain weight- that's not my concern. My concern is am I healthy?
My point is cool clothes can be made-and tailored to fit, quality food can be bought and feed a big family on a low budget, and guilt over food is unnecessary. You are beautiful no matter what size, 100 or 500 lbs. Be happy with yourself inside and out and see if that doesn't change your life completely.

This topic I will be talking way more about- but right now I have to get to playing with my children.

Thanks for listening I hope this helps you.

TTFN! ta ta for now, as tigger would say.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Autism and my daughter

My daughter, Violet, is 2 and has PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder) which is a form of autism. She's a very happy girl- laughs and giggles a lot but has trouble communicating. She has no words yet. She knows about three signs. Doesn't respond to her name very much but does make eye contact.
I'm so lucky to have her. Many times I've said Violet saved my life.
Before I got pregnant with Violet, I was under 80 lbs. and very ill- mentally and physically. Once I got pregnant with her- my life, my bipolar changed forever.
She's amazing and is teaching me all the time. She teaches me other ways to communicate, other than words.
I'm always on the lookout for new toys she'll like and books.
I was looking for a puzzle piece necklace (the sign for autism) and I came across this website called autismthings.com
Wow- It's really cool and funny. They have t-shirts that say things like-" I love an autie!" crazy, huh? " Be patient with me I'm autistic." and " Autism rocks and flaps and spins." That's my favorite actually.
I appreciate every milestone she reaches because she's worked so hard to get there.
I saw a two year old girl in the doctors office today and she was talking and talking.
I felt sad for a moment, seeing how different my kid daughter is.
But then I quickly remembered her laugh and that she's a happy little girl reguardless if she can talk or not just yet.
Violet when she was little, developed fast and was quick to hit each milestone until she received her 1 year vaccines. Then everything took a giant leap backwards.
I'm very scared of vaccines and am really worried because I have to do it all over again with my son. This time I'm wiser.

About moi

I'm 28, married with 2 kids- 1 autisitic girl and the other boy just born.
Who am I? A now functioning self-aware bipolar. Oxymoron yes- self-aware and bipolar in the same sentence- usually never. Except in my case.
Now before you go all defensive and say how functioning you are as a bipolar- wait let me stop you there.
I don't believe you and I never well. I am the first of my kind- don't steal my thunder asshole.
And yes you -like most bipolar- actually all bipolars are fucking self-absorbed assholes.
I love you guys- for you are my people- but I know you're deeply flawed.
Not because you ARE bipolar but because you have no clue how to USE your bipolar.
Not to get free drinks or get your rent paid. but actually use- this- dare I say it?-gift.
Bipolar is hereditary- and most likely my children may be bipolar-but they unlike you have me as a mother. And yes they are lucky. And so are you by reading this.
I did not have me as a mother- that would be creepy and impossible. I could've never been that lucky.
Before I get to the tear-jerking, sometimes disgusting moments of my life- let me say that I want to make you laugh while reading my blogs- either at me or at yourself. My life as always been a tragic accidental comedy and I could not have gotten anywhere without laughing- at myself and other people- like you. And I know you are worthy of me laughing at.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


For those of you who know me personally and have been keeping up to date with me, know that since my c-section I've been constantly sick as has my family and things have gotten worse again.
Man I thought I got all my tikkuns ( If you're a kabbalist you know what I'm talking about, they are kind of like obstacles you must get past to get to where you want to be in life). I have done a LOT of stuff in my life that I've paid for a million times over (that will be explained in later blog entries- my old wild bizarre painful scary exhilarating lifestyle) But THIS must be from a past life!!! I must have been such a bastard! No joke!
Those tikkuns were necessary for me to grow into the person that I am now. I'm proud to be who I am now. But these new tikkuns- I'm lost. This just seems like punishment.
And I feel like I'm not getting past them.
I pray and pray and pray that I'll get past them and become better- mentally, physically and emotionally- maybe I'll become superhuman?! Well I can always hope:)