Bitching

That's what I've been doing all day.
Bitchin'.
Since 6 a.m.
I hardly got any sleep last night, Dave was snoring up a storm.
Levi woke me up this morning and then it was straight to cleaning. Oh fucking joy!
I tried to take a short nap in the morning since my mom and my sister were watching Lee.
Bad move on my part. Dave was right next to me taking turns between snoring and talking in his sleep about a fucking ice cream truck!
I was staring at the fucking ceiling, thinking "Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!"
I got up to get ready to go to Lee's school.
And yes it is a process, I put on make-up everyday, bathe, put together an outfit.
It's a thing. My thing. I don't take forever to get ready or anything, but I like feeling confident in my appearance everyday. That's the way I am.
I might be broke, but it doesn't mean I can't look put together.
Whatever- getting off topic, sorry.
So while I'm riding on Lee's bus to school I get a text from Dave saying
"Don't be alarmed, but my hand is swollen, I have a rash on my arm, I have a headache. I took benadryl."
JESUS!!!!
I wasn't worried. I have allergic reactions just about every fucking day, take meds- get through it. No biggie. Seriously!
He slept the WHOLE morning and then went right back to sleep after taking benadryl.
DAMMIT!
I wanted him to put together the charcoal grill we bought for the patio and put away the clean clothes, that I washed earlier.
I'm not asking a whole lot here.
So I get home, and find him passed out in bed. I wake him up "Hello! Remember me?! A therapist is coming. You wanna greet the world already?!"
He fell back to sleep.
Now I'm pissed.
I yell "Get up! Either you get up or you Don't!"
His response- "Do you mean you're gonna kill me?"
My response- "If I have to, so be it!"
I'm kidding of course. But I was ticked off.
"I have an allergic reaction every fucking day, you're not dead! I'm over it, can you get over it already???!!!!"

See, I never ever said I wasn't a bitch. I am a fantastic bitch. I'm so fucking talented and fucking gifted at being a bitch, it's fucking ridiculous!
I should make a school for fucking bitches to LEARN how to be a better, more efficient fucking BITCH!

Whoa. Ok, Got the point yet?!

Dave did eventually wake up.
Our conversation in the kitchen, while I'm cooking dinner-
"You are the only straight man I know, that can't cook steak! But you can make a killer flan! Are you fucking gay?!"
His answer "um, no. DUH!"

Later on, after dinner-
"I was telling the therapist I was bitching at you all day."
Dave then looked at me, and right then I knew he thought I was going to apologize.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Boy was he wrong!
"Oh yea, I'm just stating fact. Don't worry, I'm not actually apologizing."
He then said "Oh wow, because I was about to get all dizzy, woozy and that the world had gone wrong, but then you brought it back and made everything normal again."
He knows me.
I do apologize, when I'm wrong. But I'm not wrong today! So no fucking apologies!

That's my bitching for today bitches!!!!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Be proud you're a raging bitch! I AM!

I must apologize!

I'm so sorry I've been so super lazy about blogging lately.I totally SUCK!
Please forgive me!!! Pretty please!!!

Okay, enough begging.

I've had a very hectic few days.
-A Mets game (Thanks Cindy and Mireya for the tickets and for taking me with you!!! You ROCK!)
-Drinking- I love you Tequila!!! And I hate you...just a little bit.
- And my bestfriend's kid's (J's) birthday party.

Yeah. A lot, right?!
Last night we went to J's b-day party. It WAS AWESOME!!!
My kids went nuts! But they were afraid of all the bouncing equipment and slides and such. So they just ran back and forth like mad.
My friends got to see how hyperactive my kids are. They all kept saying "Wow! Vivi is FAST!!!!"
Yeah! That's why I'm tried all the time!!!
The night prior to the party, I was up all night. Very manic. My thoughts were racing, I couldn't sleep, and my heart felt like it was going to explode!
I thought I was having a fucking heart attack.
*for those of you that don't know my health history-
I have very severe thyroid problems that, the doctors have told me, CAN cause a heart attack, even at this young an age.
I took an aspirin and within thirty minutes felt my heart finally slow down and I was able to sleep. This was of course at 5 a.m!
Dave almost didn't let me go to the birthday party, afraid I'd die at a fucking kids party!
Sorry, I find this hilarious. Just the thought of dying at a kids party, surrounded by kids just running circles around me.
I have a very sick twisted sense of humor. I apologize in advance.

The Mets game was actually kind of fun. Except for the freakin' hicks and jocks I was surrounding by, they pointed and laughed at me because of my hair.
Like, really?! How fucking stupid are you?!
These are also the same people that think the clitoris is make believe.

Anywhoo- You would think my kids would have passed out cold after the birthday party, but nooooooooo not my kids. They were up for hours afterwards.
Oh lucky me.
I was ready to curl up and die, but my kids were still jumping and running around.

I'm gonna try  to write more blogs more often, because it's not like I ever run out of things to blog about. EVER!!!
In fact there's, always way too much to blog about, that I have a hard time writing about just one thing that happened.

Kisses Bitches!!!
Rock out with your cock out!

More things about marriage everyone should know

I've learned that across the board- men keep women from sleeping.
How you ask?
Let me tell you.

Every single night whether it be 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. if my husband sees that I have opened my eyes even a smidgen he'll start yapping his mouth away at every single thought that been going through his mind the past five minutes, or the past five years!
And there's no way to stop this yap train! Because I'm in bed and really exhausted from a full days work with my kids and family. He knows I cannot run, or even get my fat ass up out of the bed- to get away from the yap attack, to get some much needed sleep!

I asked some of my girlfriends about this, and their husbands do the EXACT same thing!!!

See the stereotype is ALL WRONG!!!! It's not the woman that yaps away the day and night- it's the MAN!!!

Dave tried to do that this morning- no I wasn't trying to go to sleep but I was tired and watching Levi play, while TRYING to stay awake and alert.
He starts showing me the things he's learned on the Internet and everything else on his mind, including his to-do list for the day.
I felt like my mind was being flung out the window.
I finally yelled "STOP!!!! You are sucking the life out of me!!!"
He looked shocked.
Of course, I realized I just MIGHT have been a tad too harsh and of course apologized.
He knew I was kidding...kinda.
But he saw my apology as a chance to continue talking...which was a no-no.
I FORCED him to go get some rest, in the bedroom. While I stayed in the living room watching Levi.

Oy Vey!
Hey- to all the guys out there!!!! Stop your yapping when you see we are exhausted.
We might just end up smacking you in the back of your head!

Kisses Bitches!

More things about marriage people never told me

Today I felt like shitty shit fuck.
I didn't sleep at all last night, due to chest pains.
Fun times.

This morning my mom and Kayla were watching my kids and I went to lay down.
Dave decided to join me.
Oh boy!
I guess his coffee kicked in at that exact moment, because he wouldn't shut up.
He LOVES smack talking...and I was getting annoyed.
He kept trying to stick his finger in my mouth, which I found disgusting, so of course he wanted to do that even more!
I screamed at him "LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TOUCHING ME!!!! STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED!!! SHUT UP!! NO TOUCHIE!!!"

He then replied,"Yeah, those were your wedding vows". I agreed!
He told me "Hey, you married this!!! (pointing to himself)
I answered "Begrudgingly!!!".
He said "Our imaginary wedding invitations should have said- You are cordially invited to witness David drag Miss Beana down the aisle by her hair. Wear sneakers in case the bride tries to make a run for it!"
after I laughed and agreed-

I told him to shut up. Leave me alone! Don't touch me! And stay on his side of the bed!!!


These are just some of the things people never told me about marriage.


Kisses Bitches!

A lil ranting...

While in the mall, I heard several annoying little blonde brats asking their boyfriends if they should color their hair dark. Their boyfriends eyes connected with mine, and we both rolled 'em. Argh, seriously girls? How annoying can you be? You take them clothing shopping with you and then you ask them questions they obviously don't give a shit about. And this is why I find you fucking obnoxious.

Kisses bitches!

Quickie

A quickie- no, not sex sadly. Ha ha.
Just a quick update:
My dad is on a long list of people getting laid off this year. When? We have no clue! But It's gonna happen. I'm urging him to take early retirement- but he's very stubborn.
Oh and he broke his friend's nose, in a fight, with his head! Totally broke it! And now his friend needs surgery!  Now we have to pay his medical bills. Oh BOY!
His boss is sending him for anger management, hilarious but a bit too late in my opinion.
So things have been mighty stressful here in "Camp crazy nut house" ( meaning my home). My kids have been on vacation this week, and I've never missed school more! I've been having mini nervous breakdowns during the week. Plus both my kids have been abusing me AND loving me. Is this what they mean by tough love????
"I love you! I hate you! No, I love you!" Make up your minds!!!!
I'm thinking of cutting my hair short again, just to spite my son. So that he can't rip out chunks of my hair anymore!!! "Owwwwie" My scalp is on fire!
I'm so slept deprived, Dave said I was crabby (so was he obviously- from lack of sleep), while I had a wet pee pee diaper in my hand. BAD IDEA! I was about to throw it away, but I had a WAY better idea- instead I threw it (the CLOSED pee pee diaper) at his face! We both laughed!!! And then tried to hit each other with the dirty diaper!

Yeah, that's lack of sleep for you. These are the ways we take out our aggression on each other.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Short little story

My sis reminded me, that a long time ago, I had a T-shirt that read "I did Britney Spears Three times" ( I got this shirt from the "reject box" on the street).
I was in the Halloween store, wearing the t-short of course, when a guy asked me "So, how was she in bed?" My very manic reply "I had to teach her EVERYTHING". With a wink of course.
I'm sorry Britney- I don't mean to tarnish your reputation in any way. I only wish I did you three times. I only wish :'(


Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nervous Breakdown here I come!

Don't worry this will be like number 500 for nervous breakdowns.
A lot is happening right now.
- both my kids might have a chronic disease, affecting their lungs and health for the rest of their lives- due to our old mold infested apartment.
- my mom's last day of work is at the end of the month.
- my dad's losing his mind- a little more every single day. Plus there's a chance he might have prostate cancer. We're waiting to hear the results from his doctor.
-I found out I have an auto-immune disease, which is probably Lupus.
(Sounds like a Dr. House joke, right? "It's not LUPUS!" But actually it seems it is).
My hair has started falling out again. And no, coloring it, didn't make a difference. This would've happened regardless. My scalp hurts so badly. And Dave keeps asking to buzz my hair off again. I think he's buzzer happy! Seriously! He just buzzed his own hair off, and now he's after mine.
Not that I have anything against buzzing my hair- I've gonna completely bald once every year for the past SEVEN years. There's noting I haven't done to my hair, or pretty much in my life, in general. Hahahahaha!
-Plus we have money woes a plenty.

Fun times, right?
My friend told me, this means blessings are coming our way.
I truly hope she's right.
I few days ago, I was spiraling, not able to see any light, or silver lining.
I'm still depressed, but I'm able to smile occasionally. Of course my kids always make me laugh.

This past weekend was misery.
Violet was so hyper and violent. Not a good combination at all.
Now she's sick with fever, and not really eating.
Lee had fever too, but he's eating a little.
I feel like crap and really really exhausted all the time, even though Dave's given me lots of time to rest.
It's frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I'm actually happy, my mom is gonna stop working. Despite our money woes.
I know she'll finally be happy, and not miserable going to work anymore.
All I want is my family to be happy and healthy-
both things seem very hard to come by lately.

Plus I worry, I don't want to end up back at the food pantry and soup kitchens.
That was serious hardship, especially with my kids.
There's nothing more, you want as a parent, but to be able to have a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table to eat.
Both of which, I wasn't able to provide, not more than a year ago.
Our lives changed once we left that miserable, evil apartment.
I still have nightmares about our old place.
It was seriously like the movie 1408!
Did you know that a week after we left- there was a flood!!! Coming from my apartment!!! Even though NO ONE WAS THERE!
Yeah- totally fucking creepy.
I'm so glad we left.
I just don't want to go back to living that nightmare again.
I really don't like my neighborhood. The people in it are ignorant, homophobic and racist!
Yeah- a horrible combo!
Just really ignorant people.
I never thought I'd miss the egocentric manhattanites I was brought up with.
Even if a fabulous drag queen walked down the block, no one would even glance- or stare, or laugh.
Here- they hate anything even remotely different from them.
I can't seem to talk to anyone, even my neighbors.
They are all seriously messed up in the head.
I've heard lots of anti-Semitic things said by my neighbors, against Jews.
Did I ever mention, I AM JEWISH?
And my kids are Latin-Jews?
I don't want them growing up around so much hatred. This is where bullies come from, I'm sure of it.
And in Brooklyn, of all places??? I'm in fucking hicksville!!!
Plus, I'm bisexual. I was going to marry a women, a long time ago.
I'm sure that would've caused quite a stir in the shitty fucking neighborhood.
Yes, the houses are nice, and it's pretty residential, but the people make the neighborhood.
and they make it ugly.

Sorry, now I'm just ranting.
My point was- a lot is going on right now in my life.
I don't handle stress well at all.
I'm trying really hard though.

I promise I'm gonna write the blog I set out to a few days ago (about My Anti-cool revolution) but I just really wanted to update everyone on how things were going.

I love you guys and gals so much!!!!
Thank you always for being there for me!

As always,
Kisses Bitches!!!

Forget tomorrow, Today is where the madness lies

Yesterday was a nightmare, and today ain't looking too good either.
I spoke to a nurse yesterday, I had called the doctor earlier and a nurse called me back instead.
The nurse was one of the dumbest people I've ever spoken to before,
and that's saying A LOT!
A few clips from our ridiculous conversation:
She told me, "There's nothing the doctor can do about the size of my thyroid."

YEAH DUH! I realize he can't do magic! But how do we treat it?
"There's nothing we can do."
Uh seriously?! I called him because he TOLD ME TO CALL if I felt WORSE than before.  And surprise! I do!
Plus I have a few questions for him.
"Well, what are your symptoms?"
I feel out of breath, extremely tired and horrible pain in my joints.
"Have you felt this before?"
Yeah, I've suffered from thyroid problems for over tens years, YES I've experienced this BEFORE!
"Yeah, but have you experienced this before?"
Are you serious?! I just told you YES I HAVE!!
"Well your symptoms have nothing to do with your thyroid."
Uh, I beg to differ. They HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY THYROID!

This went on forever. She's a fucking moron!
I was SO pissed off after the conversation. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Dave had come home early, from taking Violet to the dentist.
I found out she tore the waiting room apart- literally!
Ripped their plants apart, ripped tags off the chairs, jumped off the couches, tantrumed and screamed her head off!!!
So much so that another older patient in a wheelchair was terrified of her, starting screaming trying to roll himself away from her!
YEAH THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!
Dave couldn't handle her anymore and postponed the appointment.

I was upset, obviously at the way Violet reacted and also that she never got to see the dentist.
I've taken Violet by myself to so many doctor appointments, back when we lived in Manhattan. And she was a tyrant then too! But I made sure the doctor got to see her.
And I did it all by myself.

So I was really agitated yesterday.
I finally got a call from my doctor- not the nurse. The very first thing I said to him was
"Never ever ever make me talk to that nurse ever again!"
He seemed confused, and he was in the middle of eating, he asked "why?"
I answered "because I felt like I was being cranked. She's an idiot and really pissed me off."
I gave him examples of our conversation. All he said was "Oh. Okay."
We had a long talk about my thyroid.
He said that even though my blood tests were negative. I have an auto-immune disease.
Which one, he's not sure of.
But it's extremely rare for a female my age, to have such a small, under active thyroid without some type of auto immune disease causing it.
It's also very rare that I should be feeling this horrible on such a high dose of thyroid medication.
I told him, "You don't know me yet, but I promise you, you will see that everything extremely rare- happens to me. I'm a medical oddity, and have been told this many many times by many many doctors."
I asked him, if it's still possible that I have Lupus since I have all the symptoms including hair loss. He said it is possible, even though the tests are negative.

Right now my hair is falling out again, by itself. Levi's grabby hands don't help the matter. Plus I've been bruising really easily. Abnormally easily.
But as I've come to realize, everything about me is abnormal.
Lovely.

The doctor also said that if he ups my medication, I will have a heart attack!
So I'm going in next week, 3 weeks early, for another blood test.
So that I can SHOW HIM PROOF, how low my thyroid is right now.
I mentioned that, we had talked about the possible heart damage my thyroid has caused.
I asked him to recommend a heart doctor, in the same hospital, that he will work together with on my case, since I do have heart problems.

More doctors appointments, more craziness to come.

I felt so stressed yesterday, my back was killing me.
I was about to have a nervous fucking breakdown!!!
Money problems AND health problems galore!!!
I just can't take much more!!!

Just thought I should vent about this before it was purposely erased from my memory.
Levi had fever last night, but I thought it broke because he woke up drenched in sweat!
Well I was wrong, this morning- he woke up yet again with a high fever and the left side of his neck is swollen like a baseball!

I've been calling the doctor, but her office isn't open yet.
So I guess back to the doctor, we go.
And I was really looking forward to going to Lee's school and seeing my mama clan!
I'm exhausted and it's only 9 A.M!!!!

Kisses Bitches!
PLEASE let blessings come my way! I desperately need them!

Yet Another day spent dazed and confused

Let's play catch-up:
Both my kids have several new doctors and new doctor appointments- with specialist that specifically only deal with kids with special needs.
We went for our first visit Thursday- and it was the very best doctors visit we've ever had!!! They were so kind and understanding- they didn't rush us along, for the next patient. We spent THREE HOURS there! Plus they got us transportation to and fro.
AWESOME!
The doctor said that Violet's cyst on her neck might be from her thyroid and it will probably need to be biopsied. But first they will need a sonogram done.
I am not looking forward to this. I'm trying not to think about all the possible outcomes. I don't want to worry myself sick. I'm sick enough already.
My son did get his very first vaccination shot ever that day.
Not several at once, like all the doctors previously had wanted.
One shot- single dose. After that we will be coming back every week, or every other week for the next shot until we are caught up.
Levi did have a bad reaction, I knew it would happen, sadly. He had fever until Monday and has been even crankier than ever before!
I didn't even think it was possible!!!
He's grabbed so many chunks of my hair, I lost count.
And no, wearing a hat or scarf, doesn't make a difference.
My scalp is so sore from all the pulling!
Plus he's been banging his head like there's no tomorrow!
I worry for my son and his precious big ol' head.
I'm FRIED!

My thyroid is really fucking low! My bones hurt so badly. I feel like my body is falling apart.
I spoke to my doctor and he said if I still feel this way by Tuesday, he'll up my thyroid medication, eventhough it's ridiculously high as it is.
I swear I'm some kind of mutant! But without all the cool superhero powers!

Saturday- during the the day, in front of my apartment- a group of stupid teenage boys stopped to purposely point and laugh at me. Because I looked different (faux 80s pink mohawk).
I was shocked!!

Seriously! How ignorant are the people in my neighborhood? They are racist and homophobic! It's a nightmare! I can't stand them! We have nothing in common. I'm basically in hicksville.
In manhattan, no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I never thought I'd think of that as a plus!
But now I miss the city- MY CITY- more than ever before!
I fear for my kids growing up in this stuck up, stupid, ignorant neighborhood.
I was really caught off guard by those idiot boys. I used to get bullied all the time in school, but I was a kid- I mean, young kids are dumb, that's a given. But in adulthood?
It's digusting.
And I know, these dumbass boys will never leave Brooklyn, or even their neighborhood, when they get older. Because I know they'll never really "grow up".
It's pathetic, and strangely satisifying, to know this fact.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with some friends, and had a good time.
I couldn't eat and drink- as much as I would've liked to.
I didn't want to change the good mojo of the dinner, by telling them how physically ill I felt from my thyroid. And that my entire body was throbbing in pain, including my stomach.
I didn't care that I felt so horrible, because the time I got to spend with my friends, was priceless.

Sunday- I took my kids to Toy R' Us.
I took my mom and sister with me too.
It's nice to get my mom out of the house, and get some fresh air.
She has always loved toy shopping since I was a wee little one.
Violet wanted to take the entire store home, and Levi couldn't care less.
In fact he screamed most of the time- wanting to leave the toy store and go home.
Levi was still cranky from the shot he got on Thursday.
Later that night- he ripped out my hair, tore off my glasses which got caught on my nose piercing and almost ripped it out of my nose.
My nose was bleeding, my scalp hurt and I was a MESS! A hot mess!

Monday I went to the city for the ultrasound of my thyroid.
It was done three times! Because all the doctors couldn't believe what they saw.
I was freaked.
Apparently my thyroid is RIDICULOUSLY small. Abnormally small.
Which explains why I feel so sick and tired all the time.
The can't figure out WHY it's so small though.
I might have an auto immune disease that makes my immune system attack my thyroid for years until it becomes too small and very underactive.
Oh fucking joy!
But that's only one possibility.
I haven't heard from my doctor yet, as to what the other possibilities are and what are my options to treat it.
On another note-
My mom was told yesterday that April 29th, at the end of THIS MONTH, will be her very last day of work with the company.
So much is going on right now with my family. I can't wait for things to look up!

On yet another note-
I will be talking about in my upcoming blogs- how ridiculous the things we find appealing in our society actually are.
I'm bringing back an old movement of mine- that I believe deserves a come back- and another look at.
My Anti-Cool Revolution.
Totally worth it. And very ridiculously uncool of me :)

Kisses Bitches,
That's all for now!
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

P.S. Today Violet has her first ever dentist appointment, I hope I don't lose any fingers!!!

Yesterday was hell

but tomorrow is looking better- tomorrow I'll see my mama clan at Levi's school.
Yesterday was shit from the very start- I could tell.
Both kids were losing their minds being stuck at home, as was I.
I wanted to go to the farmer's market in prospect park, since it's been month and months since I've been to one.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the farmer's market.
Pure joy, except when I go to the one in union square- where many many obnoxious people go- the food is GREAT, but the people leave a lot to be desired.
Very wealthy, very snotty, very egotistical, and all very young- all of them together- in one place makes me itch or twitch and scream.
YUCK! Snobby people SUCK!
Plus they all HATE children. So when I go there with my lovely wonderfully, insane children, I just HAVE to run them over with my double stroller, after asking them over five times very politely, to move the FUCK outta the way!
They all forget they were once very obnoxious children themselves.
Not to say my kids are obnoxious, they're just LOUD.
Everyone was driving me insane yesterday.
It was a very bad move for me to take my kids outside.
They were in a bad mood to begin with.
Plus it was fuck ass cold outside.
Taking my kids out- is hard. I won't lie. It's difficult.
Don't me wrong I LOVE my babies.
They complete me (Jerry Maguire anyone??).
But they were both screaming all day long!
Plus Dave and I were arguing.
He THOUGHT he knew where we were going, but it turns out he didn't and was walking us for miles and miles for no good reason with two screaming kids.
I KNEW where we were going- and where I wanted to go.
So we aruged- in front of the kids and in front of my sister and her best friend.
Her best friend was worried, and asked my sister if we were okay? My sister nodded- like "This always happens. This is normal for them."
Yeah it is, I won't lie.
I was really annoyed at him, for quite a few blocks.
He ended up apologizing, but I was too fried and tired to really care.
We did go to the farmer's market, in prospect park, and it was wonderful.
The food was great and the people, way more down to earth- just my kind of people.
When we got home finally, the screaming stopped.
Hours later.
I was DONE for the day.
But apparently the day wasn't done with me.
I headed to my bedroom when I saw the horrific state of the main bathroom- and just HAD to clean it from top to bottom.
I hate filth and mess in my home- but that seems to be all there is. ARGH!
Last night, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted but I couldn't fall deep asleep.
I found out why later, Levi was up all night long laughing and sometimes coughing. Oh and Violet threw up last night all over her pillow pets- so I did laundry at 4 a.m.
She's okay, she's had a cold for over a week, and it made her a little nauseous. She was fine afterwards, and happy. Puking isn't a huge deal for my daughter, since she used to gag herself just for fun. I know, strange kid.
So I didn't get much sleep and then I got to start the day all over again. WOOHOO!
Today I cleaned my kitchen- it's so white, I could cry.
Yes, this is how I deal with frustration, and anger. I clean.
How did I become this way??? HOW?! I'd love to know.
I also cooked dinner, wished dishes, took out the garbage.
I live this housewife kinda life- but it ain't me.
I wanna break free. I really do.
I day dream a lot, about my hopes and desires. They seem so far away sometimes.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day, trying not to feel.
I guess this is my true bipolar moment at the core.
I'm fighting inside, just trying to make it through the day, like a normal person.
But truthfully that'll never be me.
I can pretend and play dress up, but in the end- who am I, really?


Sorry I'll cut this short- because I could go on forever.

As always, Kisses Bitches!

Saw the doc today...

Did I mention I was nervous about today?
Yeah, I had reason to be.
I saw the endocrinologist today.
He's brilliant, by the way- no joke.
He actually knew what he was talking about- unlike many of the other doctors I'd seen. They only gave me five minutes- where he gave me at least a half hour.
He was kind, and really smart.
He told me, he HAD to sit down and talk to me after he saw my past blood tests results (over a year's worth).
He said several things-
1- being I have a very low thyroid despite the amount of thyroid meds I'm on.
2- I might have a very very very rare autoimmune disease that causes my body to attack my thyroid, amongst many other things.
3- my thyroid felt smaller than normal and "cobblestone" like.
4- since my thyroid has been low for so many years- he doesn't know the amount of damage my heart has taken, nor my bones. Leading to heart attacks and broken bones.
Fun, huh?!
5- my white blood cell count has been high for several years now- meaning I have to have a sonogram done of my thyroid to rule out cancer.
6- I have several options right now- different medications to try (oh joy!) one being an animal thyroid hormone (NO JOKE!), he said people find it to be "organic" because it comes from an animal! "Are you serious?! You're gonna put BESSIE in me?? I call all cows and pigs, Bessie- don't ask me why. I just do, Okay?!
7- I might have my thyroid removed if, one- they find anything, or two- because no medication will help it.

He also ran a few blood tests- but he didn't expect "any surprises" and told me he'd call me in about 3 days.

On a side note- I don't know if any of you remember- in an older blog post of mine- I mentioned that I have prophetic dreams- always have, since I was a wee little child.
My dreams just come true QUICKER than they did when I was young.
It used to take sometimes years to come true. Now, not so much.
Of course, I do have nightmares from time to time- that are just random fears- or just plain old randomness. But I always know- ALWAYS KNOW- that ones I have to pay attention to- those are the ones that become true.
I really don't care if you believe anything I'm saying right now, or if you believe in psychic abilities- It's not my deal- if you don't believe.
I TRULY, with all my heart, don't give a shit.
I'm just saying what I know to be true.
Anyways- I mentioned about a dream I had, maybe in the fall, where there were three versions of myself- one present (I think?), soon-to-be future and further future. No past.
Now mind you I didn't remember this dream until recently.
And when I remembered it was kind of a shot to my stomach.
One of me- with long blond hair looking very happy.

One emaciated me (in the middle)- completely bald- looking very sickly
One of me- had dark hair short to med length, curly, looking "normal".
All sitting on a bench, on a pier by an unknown lake. looking directly at me.
Staring at me watching..all of them (who are me).
Confusing I know.
But it was like they were foreshadowing my own future.
Staring into my eyes- so that I KNOW.

I'm probably explaining this really badly. I haven't felt right most of the day.
I've been shaking- and the doctor noticed- he asked if I noticed, that I was shaking so much.
That was funny!
My heart stopped a couple of times on my way home, just its usual weird thing it does.
I felt like I was gonna pass out when I got home, I was severely dehyrated apparently.
I'm just guessing at this point.
And I have a migraine just growing- at this point.

But I had to type this blog and get it out there before I forgot any more than I already have, no doubt.

I found out my very very close friend, one of my mama clan, is in the hospital right now. I love her dearly- she is a great, amazing, funny, smart, beautiful person- and I ask that you all pray for her right now, that she gets better.
I love ya Tee! I'm gonna come visit you!!

As always- my only constant-

Kisses Bitches! I love you guys!!! Thanks always for all the support.

Sick Eww GROSS!

Yes, it's true- I'm sick yet again. As are my children and my mother.
I feel really really sick, and I'm trying to fight it, because as you all know, moms don't ever have TIME to get sick.
We just don't. There isn't any "sick leave" or "sick days".
My job is 24/7 non-stop.
My kids don't stop, in fact when my kids are sick I have to work overtime. My son sticks to me like crazy glue.
I can't eat in peace, or even a hot meal.
Luckily- and I truly do mean lucky- Dave has really been stepping it up around the house and with the kids, these past few days.
I'm in shock!
And really happy to see that I have some help.
But mostly in shock.
He made me soup! I was like- ok, where'd you put Dave? Where's he hiding?
The kids were laughing, even though they were sick, their daddy was tickling them and playing with them.
Again, I'm shocked!
This is BRILLIANT!
On the other hand, I still feel like total and complete shit right now.
My heart is doing the weird thing again- the stopping and starting- for some unknown reason. Plus I'm lightheaded.
Jeez, I hate being sick.
I have an endocrinologist appointment on Wednesday, in the city.
I know from what every other doctor has told me, I will not be receiving any good news whatsoever. Oh joy.
I know I have SERIOUS thyroid issues. I know this.
The only questions I have is- What's causing it? And how do we fix it?
Seems simple, right?
NAH, NOT AT ALL.
Apparently I'm asking how can I hitchike to mars and make it back home by noon, or something.
I have to write a fucking list of all my health problems before I go there, because I know the minute I walk into the doctor's office, my mind goes completely BLANK.

Anywhoo-
just thought I'd write a quick little something to get back into the swing of things again.

Kisses Bitches!

What a day!

The kids, my mom and I are all sick- like really sick.
Very yucky sick.
Cold, stuffed head, pain, fever- you get the idea. Dave took the kids out for a little bit- to pick stuff up from the supermarket.

I woke up- (after kinda, sorta napping- or blacking out from medication) to an empty house- well as empty as it gets- my mom and dad were still here.

Even though I felt like shit a dog threw up- truly!- I saw a chance to clean, vacuum and disinfect the house.

And that's what I did. The whole house.

When Dave got back the kids were very happy to be home. We thought Lee was doing a bit better and decided, stupidly, to take the kids out on our back patio to let them run around and get some energy out (and out of the house!).

I was recording them running around- and that's when it happened!
Levi tripped and fell FLAT on his FACE!!! FACE FIRST!!!

I was having a heart attack thinking he broke his face.

Luckily and by the grace of God, Levi was okay- but his face got badly scratched up- straight down the middle of his beautiful baby face!
Bright red blood.

At first he screamed of course- heck I wanted to scream in horror!
But only a few minutes later we took a photo- and he was laughing.

DEAR GOD these kids are gonna be the fucking death of me.

I love them with all my heart- but how many heart attacks can one woman survive, huh???

Did I ever mention how badly cold medication interacts with all my other medications??
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. It's bad.
But I had no choice. I fell just short of clawing off my own skin.

Me no likey....but sometimes me likey..huh...yeah me likey, me likey A LOT.


Kisses Bitches!!!

Tip Toe

These were my fortunes for today- from the wise ol' fortune cookies from the Chinese food take-out place.
I got three- one- because I'm greedy
                 two- because I like cookies.
Any type really- as long as they ain't stale.

But SOMETHING was trying to tell me something that I was supposed to be doing today. Even the wise ol' fortune cookies were in on it!
So I decided to actually listen to what the world around me was trying to say.

I've been suffocating my feelings for so long now- pushing them so far down- that I felt like a zombie- dead inside and out.
I was always tip-toeing around people's feelings.
Like walking on egg shells. Worry what the response or reaction would be.
Well I blew that outta the water today.
Instead of backing down- I stood up.
To my husband and to my mom.
I got into three fights today, no not fist fights, thank goodness.

With my mom, it's hard. I love her so much and I respect her.
I love my mom, she's the shit! No doubt!
But we do have our issues, and they go way way way back to when I was a wee little one.
We fought- loudly, tonight.
And instead of backing down, I said what I thought.
And of course it hurt her- but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to just come clean with her about my feelings.
She got furious at me. And gave me the silent treatment for a bit- I can't handle that.
Maybe it's from when I was with women, but that is like a stabbing in the heart to me.
Yeah I know I just told you my fucking weakness!!!
So please don't exploit it!!!
It's a woman thing- women RULE at the silent treatment.
I'd rather say it and have an all out fight than not speak to each other.

So of course, I went into her room apologizing NOT for what I said, because it was the truth, but because I upset her and that wasn't my intention.
After a lot of crying- from both of us.
She gave me the best compliment, I've ever received from her- in my life.
I'm teary just writing it now-
She said "Thank you for taking care of Kayla all these years. And for taking care of all of us.
You did a great job! And still do so.
I'm sorry to have done that to you.
I love you.
And Thank you."
I said "you're welcome mom."
I've never felt so taken back in my life.
Those are the words I've waited my life to hear, but never expected to hear them.

I also fought with Dave today. I didn't back down (well originally I did, it's just I still am always scared of people's reactions) but in the end, we came to an understanding. At least for now.
I don't feel completely hopeless.
I feel I've gained back some control of my life and I'm not just gonna watch it pass me by.


I had to write this right away, even though my tears are making it hard to see the keyboard. Making it take a long time to type. I'm blind as it is for goodness sakes.

Cried so much today- definitely more than I'm comfortable with.
I felt nauseous for days- but once I started crying the nausea went away.
The emotional pain was making me nauseous and feel sick.
But you know- once that door opens- it can't shut so easily anymore.

This is the end of the blog post-
I'll leave you with my usual
Kisses Bitches!
Be the Kick ASS person you know you can be! ALWAYS!

Pink hair!!!

The other day my very cool and talented hairstylist mama friend, came to my house to color my sister's and my hair.
I've been doing my own hair for so long. And every six months or so, I'd get my hair professionally cut, but I could never afford to get my hair professionally colored.
One of my mama clan members, is a hairstylist- she has purple and blue hair.
She is FUCK AWESOME!
And she came over in the evening and spent nearly 5 hours doing my hair.
My hair was so resistant to bleach.
I've said many times before- white girl hair products do not work on my hair, only ethnic products are strong enough. I have afro hair- and that okay with me. At least now it is, when I was younger ALL I ever wanted was "white girl hair".
You know- that silky straight hair that glows in sunlight- like an old Prell shampoo commercial.
Yeah- I know that ain't gonna happen for me- so I might as well embrace my afro hair.
Though now it's a cotton candy pink colored afro!
Wooohooo!
I've always wanted this hair color but never could do it myself.
My mama got to meet my daughter, and she was awesome with her.
This made me so happy to have company over and to be able to get my hair done.
I was super tired though- and had been for three days- exhausted not just tired.
I was trying caffeine but that didn't even make a dent!
Then yesterday the same thing happened- I was yawning and felt in a haze, while "my twin" ( one of my dearest friends) came over to visit- that I wasn't really awake or in the moment.
I can't seem to really "feel".
I can't feel anything, I think I'm numb.
I've been so angry and resentful for so long- I now feel nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy my friend came over, but I couldn't really FEEL happy- you know what I'm saying?
I know this is due to me being bipolar- but it also has to do with the huge amount of stress I'm under daily.
Levi spent most of the day tantruming yesterday and almost got a handful of my hair- I caught him in time, he had a grip on a chunk of my hair- before he could run away with it- I got him to loosen his grip, somehow.
He also banged his head really hard against my clavicle.
I have to hold him so that he doesn't break his skull open on the floor, or table or chairs. Even if that means getting beat up by him in the process.
Plus he was up all night long last night.
I'm so tired, even though Dave was handling the night shift.
I feel like I'm daydreaming- or that I haven't woken up yet from slumber.
Like things aren't real somehow- my life isn't really happening.
And no medication or anyone can change that feeling.
I'm just trying to feel even an ounce of happiness every day.
Whether it be from my kids giggling, or seeing my mama clan at Levi's school.

Sorry I'm kind of rambling at this point.
I just want to truly FEEL something, ya know?

Anywhoo-
Kisses Bitches!!!

This is a photo of my hair

What Nightmares are made of..

SHIT!
And..my day- today.
Today sucked hairy-balls-monkey-ass feet!!!

The day started with me feeling like shit- no- more like I was shit on and ATE shit.
That's more what it felt like.
I've been feeling physically okay for two weeks, not mentally at all- but physically.
Today- all the good- went flying out the window-
I've been really really tired for three days- and coffee ain't cuttin' it.
Like ZOMBIE kinda tired- I might start eating brains at this point!
And I've been getting sleep! That's the killer! I've been getting sleep- but I'm even more exhausted.
Then today I was feeling like I was gonna pass the fuck out flat on my face.
So I took another thyroid pill, hoping it would magically up my incredibly low thyroid.
NAH- it didn't.
Anyways to make a long story short-
this is what happened TODAY:
-Had nightmares all night long about vomiting- and my Violet vomiting- very weird.
-I was nauseous ALL DAY LONG.
-I broke a glass in the kitchen, shattered everywhere- cleaned it up half asleep.
-took Levi to school
-came back- he started tantrumming- why? I have no clue- he wasn't hungry, or wet.
-He bashed his chin into the crib, was okay- then when we put him down to run around- he walked fast straight into my parents doorway!
FACE FIRST!
He hit it so hard he FLEW backwards!!!
He had a big bump on his head- still screaming Dave and I put ice and pressure to the bump/bruise- so it wouldn't get any bigger. I was freaking out and trying not to show it- I felt like throwing up!
- Levi's bump went down, as much as possible- it's still bruised
Violet then pushed him down- making him bang his head AGAIN.
Violet was going to get a time out when Dave had to change her diaper- and the POOP diaper fell on the living room carpet!!
That was the last straw! I screamed a fucking HORROR MOVIE SCREAM- so loud!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Get the shit off my carpet!!!
I can laugh about this now- but then I was FREAKED. No one was cleaning it up fast enough.
I couldn't take much more!

Could I even possibly write this if it weren't true???
No one can make this shit up!

That is my life.

Now Levi and Violet are at peace sleeping for the time being- until the day starts again at midnight to them waking up every hour.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I love my babies- I really do.

Kisses Bitches!!!

God Bless Tequila!

I went out Friday night with my ex-girlfriend.
I felt guilty about leaving the kids home with their daddy and auntie.
At first I was going to take both my kids and my sister with me, and go to the mall.
But I was angry, and got into an argument with Dave, how I never get a break.
I'm always going out with the kids- it's not fair.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my children but shopping with them is impossible!!!
I went to the mall yesterday with my kids, my sister, my mom and Dave- and it WAS IMPOSSIBLE!
Levi was screaming and banging his head against the stroller for over an hour- for absolutely no reason whatsoever!
And Violet was cranky and having tantrums the entire time.
I'm so glad I got a break on Friday night.
She met my mama clan at Lee's school, well most of the mama clan- a few important members were missing that day. Booohooooo!
Then we headed to her place where we picked up her little niece, one of the coolest chicks I've ever met, and her sister- equally cool.
We went to a mall for a bit- but we both quickly realized- it sucked!
The mall- I mean.
So we left.
We both needed a serious time out from our families.
So we dropped off her family and headed to the city for some fries.
At Pomme Frites of course!!! The very best fry place in the city.
It was freezing cold that night- and I wasn't dressed properly for the weather- so we decided to get shots! You know, to keep ourselves warm.
Tequila shots- at a place nearby- it was very cheap- and very delicious!
YUM!!!
God Bless Tequila!!!
I love you tequila!
Be my friend!

I felt every emotion in about five minutes flat.
Sad and happy. It's crazy.
But it really did help me decompress.
It was awesome spending time with her, we talked and talked and talked.
It was a great night.
Afterwards we headed to my house- where for the very first time ever-
Dave, my ex and I hung out.
I was AMAZING and almost unbelievable!!!

By the way- sorry it's been so long since I've blogged. So much has happened- and I've been so busy, I couldn't decided or remember what to blog about next!

This blog is short and sweet- like me- but without the sweet part.

Kisses Bitches!

Depressed-hard to type

This past weekend was stressful.

We all went to the city Saturday, packed with our kids and the double stroller.


It was fun at times- but overall more stressful than fun.


The kids were having meltdowns towards the end of the day.
Levi was trying to hit his head against the stroller, while screaming.
At the same exact time Violet was screaming.


Two screaming kids- I felt overwhelmed and very anxious.


Sunday we went to flatbush- the kids were tantruming most of the time- so we cut the day short- very short.

I got my nose pierced again, the fourth time in four years.
I just want to feel something, you know.
Feel happy. Feel good about myself and my life.


Is that too much to ask for?
You know what- don't answer that.
I already know the answer.


I'm frustrated. I feel I live for everyone else and not myself and I'm not talking about my children. That I understand completely.


The whole weekend while outside, I'm worrying if Dave and the kids are having a good time. No one cared, or even asked, if I was having a good time.


Levi's tantrums have gotten violent towards me-especially this past weekend- kicking and biting me. Violet's aggressive too.


I feel banged up and emotionally exhausted.


I feel like I'm doing this alone.


I know I said I don't censor myself- but I do- and I do it a lot in my blog- so I don't hurt anyone.


But most of the time I feel suffocated- like my feelings are being suffocated. I'm just pushing my feelings- and all of me- deep deep down inside- so far down I don't know what to feel anymore.


I'm scared of feeling that if I voice my opinion, bad things will happen.


I just want to feel happy again- I don't feel like myself anymore- and I haven't for a really really really long time.
I've been upset and couldn't bring myself to write about it. Even now I'm censoring myself-
and I apologize for that.




Maybe one day it will all be made clear.
At least I hope it will.


Kisses Bitches.

been quiet for awhile

hey guys and gals!
I've been quiet for awhile- sorry about that.
A lot of things have been happening.
My birthday just passed. I turned 30 years old.
Usually, I would think nothing of it-
but for so many years, including this year- I couldn't see beyond the present day.
I never believed I had a future.
I still don't.
I spent a lot of time in crisis mode.
I lived a very fast, hard fucking life- in a short amount of time.
The point I'm getting at is that I never ever believed I'd make it to 30.
Not because my body would kill me (even though it's tried so very hard so many times), but that I would kill myself.
I tried during my stay in hospitals (plural). I not afraid of pain.
I LIVE through pain.
At least I've learned to tolerate it.
Since I feel physical pain all the time now.
Funny since when I was a child I didn't feel physical pain.
Didn't know I'd broken bones until the day afterwards.
I would run into door knobs to see if I could bust the door open with my head.
Yeah- I was a very "special" kind of child.
Didn't feel pain.
Now it seems that's all I do.
I have spent so many years poor, dirt poor, that I don't expect any type of gifts or even cake at this point.
I remember many birthdays miserable- broke and eating rice so that my family could afford to eat food.
I'm used to starving, I've done it for over two thirds of my entire LIFE! And no I do not "enjoy" starving anymore.
I was surprised on my birthday when my parents made a big deal about it.
It was very strange and a welcomed emotion from me.
The day in itself, was similar to every other day- until it came to dessert.
My dad had bought me a birthday cake!
Yes, it was one of the only flavors I dislike (chocolate mousse- eww!), but I didn't let him know.
I don't get moments like these from my dad, so I tried to enjoy this one.
As I was about to blow out the candles-I noticed there was no camera.
No, I'm not constantly posing for the camera-
it's a tradition of ours to take a photo of blowing out the candles every single birthday, like most families.
I asked Dave to get the camera, he seemed to not care.
This angered me a lot.
He knew the tradition, and why this birthday meant something to me, but he seemed too busy eating a burger to pay me any mind.
Needless to say, I blew out my candles without a photo to capture the moment.
I was furious and this sparked a huge argument between Dave and I.
I won't go into details, other than he did share that he's been depressed for many years now.
And can't "feel" happiness.
I starting writing this blog- two days ago-
in the middle of writing this my son starting puking he's guts out.
Everyone had the stomach virus and are still recuperating.
Now I continue this blog- days later- and I'm not feeling the same emotion I was when I was writing the blog.
Today it is Dave's birthday.
And like me, he never ever saw a future for himself.
Yet here we are on his 38th birthday, celebrating (kind of) with our two kids.
I want to make a big deal about it. But he still doesn't feel well- so buying a cake and going out, is out of the question.
And I think he's still depressed.
Plus today I get a call from my landlord that my CRAZY neighbor is complaining she doesn't have heat "because there are too many people here taking showers all day long".
Meanwhile she has five people living there, none of them little babies.
I only have two more people here, and they are both under four years old!
What a fucking crazy person!
Tell I meantion, she came knocking on MY door at 8p.m. a few night ago blaming me for her not having any hot water.
Even though I spend many days with no hot water myself!
Oy Vey!
It's times like these I really wish I had moved to Florida, instead of here.
And had our own house- with no landlord or upstairs neighbors complaining.

I dream of warm weather, our OWN place and no one to answer to.

I dream a dream worth living for.

Kisses Bitches!
I NEED MONEY! The LOTTO would be AWESOME!

A how-to about being Bi

You might read this and laugh.
Obviously I don't NEED to explain what bisexuality means, or how to have sex...now do I?
To some of you, maybe I should explain how to have sex- because I'm sure that I might have slept with some of you- and I'm positive most have no clue what they are doing in bed whatsoever.
But this is not a lecture on how to have good- no. Scratch that! GREAT sex!
You might feel like crying now- because you are so so very sad- you will never know the wisdom I possess. Stop your crying. No, really- stop your crying- it's annoying.

Okay on to what I meant to say-

When you have lived a...hummm. how do I word this....."otherworldly existence" while on this planet- by being yourself- be it gay or bisexual- you will no doubt come across this situation.
You are in a relationship (or not) and you have befriended a new person.
You really enjoy this person's friendship- did I mention they were the same gender as you?
And you somehow have to finally tell this person that you are gay or bisexual-
NOT EASY!

The first time I came out of the closet to my friends, about being bisexual.
The first thing out of my friends' mouth was "You're not gonna hit on me now, right?!"
My reply "Of course not!"

Their response- which I'll never quite understand at all- "Why? I'm not pretty enough?!"


I thought- WAIT a fucking minute!!! First you don't want me to hit on you, then you feel insulted because I WON'T?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Women are CRAZY creatures. They are- no doubt. And I'm one of them.
We are crazy, complex, curious, contrary- and WE FUCKING ROCK!
We blow your fucking MINDS away! Seriously.

Girl power bitches! Girl muthafuckin' power, yo!

I'll never understand women completely- because I rarely understand myself.

Anytime I befriend a female (doesn't happen frequently- most women I meet seem to hate me instantaneously), I eventually come across the moment where I have to tell them my background. You all know I'm an open book- straight forward- no holding back- except in this case.
I worry about the female's reaction when I tell them I'm bisexual. When I say  I'm bisexual- they might think- I'm still looking for a woman- even though I'm married to a man.
So I'd rather say my sexuality is "Married".
You married women out there- know exactly what I'm talking about- so don't front! Don't Front!

The other day when talking with my new mama clan (my new mama friends),
when talking about an ex of mine- I never say their gender.
I knew it was time- and I better make this funny-

Now in the past- I have experienced a lot of hatred from people, for being with a woman. A LOT! People screaming at me and my, then girlfriend, in the streets how we're evil, we belong in hell---yada yada yada.
There's still A LOT of hatred out there against gays.
It's horrifying.
And truthfully- I never know how a person is going to react to me being bisexual.
Homophobic people- look normal on the outside,
it's always nerve wrecking when you have no clue how someone will react.
Why do you think, it's scary coming out of the closet???
It's terrifying!!!

So I decided to come out to my friends like this "I USED TO BE GAY!"
Like I was saying I used to like the color orange. Very nonchalant, you know.
Of course- I know you can't CHANGE being gay- either you are or you aren't.
I will always be bisexual- deep inside. I have loved women and men, since I was a child.
That's not gonna change.
But I'm married now and have chosen my path to be with my husband.
(Dave: Actually... I cured her gayness...with my penis...)

They cracked up laughing so hard.
It made my day!
Not only were they okay with it, but I also made them laugh.

And if you know me- that's my favorite thing ever- and I feel it's my purpose in life. To say my story and in the process make people laugh with joy.

Without laughter, there's only tears.


Kisses Bitches!!!
Be proud of yourself, never back down. You're loud! You're proud! And so fucking fabulous!!! You better WORK!

Happy muthafuckin' V-Day

No, I don't mean happy Venereal disease Day-
I mean happy Valentine's Day.

Truthfully, I don't celebrate it anymore.
I'm sure my kids will grow up celebrating it. And I will show them my love- as per usual.
But for me- I learned a long long time ago-
you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you hype up the day with your loved one/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Yeah- I'm total downer.
But truthfully- realizing this many years ago- helped me actually enjoy myself and not be miserable all V-day long.
I've been so very poor for sooo very long- and live with procrastinators- so everything was always left to the last minute and we ended up doing nothing.
Now- I don't expect anything- and I always end up- NOT pissed off full of disappointment.
This was Dave and my exact conversation just a few minutes ago, WORD FOR WORD on V-day (at around 12 a.m.)!
Dave:...that grammy's with the girl who sang the god song years ago- what if god...
Me: OH,...GOD... I thought you said cowboy..
What?
I thought you said the song was about a cowboy.
What if cowboys are like us?
Yeah
I could be a cowboy
No you can't
Yes I can
You'd have to get up early
Fuck that! I'll be a midnight cowboy. Wait. That was a movie.
What?
Midnight Cowboy. That was a movie with John Voight.
What's it about?
Dudes fuckin' other dudes.
SHUT YOUR STUPID PIE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Followed by us laughing our asses off at how funny that was.

That's a typical conversation between Dave and I- and it being V-day right now, doesn't change a thing.
I URGE you not to put so much pressure on V-day. It's just another day.
And if you show your love everyday then fucking up V-day would't matter, right??

The way I'm celebrating my V-day today- same as every Monday- Levi has therapy and then I take him to school. I still have to do chores. No exceptions.
But at Lee's school, I get to celebrate with "my mamas"( my group of mom friends at Lee's school).
I now look forward to weekdays!
I never in my entire life thought that would happen!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Don't be sad about V-day, it's just another day.

FUCK the weekend!!

As I said earlier- in a previous blog post-
My new doc let me know- that my thyroid is fucked up.
This isn't anything new obviously!
She told me to cut OUT one thyroid pill and UP the other.
I knew this was a very very bad idea.
So instead of cutting the first one out- I cut it in half, and upped the other like she said.
I spent most of the day in some of the worst pain in my entire fucking life!
EVERYTHING HURT!
My bones, muscles, my body was swelling really badly.
I was gonna call 911 at this point!
I felt like I was in a K-Hole!!!
Hey if you're old enough, and did drugs like I used to- remember K-HOLE????
It sucked- but that's besides the point.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I have been so fucking bitchy and angry for weeks now.
DAve and I both realize- we are WAY nicer to strangers than we are to each other.
But I was gonna explode!!!
Yesterday morning I had a fight with Dave at 4 A.M!
When we went back to bed- I told him, "I just might end up choking you in your sleep."
He responded half joking, "Well that's why I don't stay in bed all night long. Because I'm afraid I'll never wake up!!!"
I started hysterically laughing- but I knew he was kinda right. I was about to fucking SNAP!!!
During yesterday a lightbulb went off- I called my doc asking to go back on my anti-psychotic (Geodon),
I had been off it for about two months- because we were worried that it was affecting my heart.
At this point- I didn't care.
The night before - all I dreamt about was slapping people!!!
I was INSANE!
But I've also mentioned in my blogs that anger is my first clue- irriational anger is my first clue- something is going to happen- to my heart and my body.
The end of yesterday I spent wanting to die, the pain was so bad.
I couldn't move!
I gladly took my geodon last night- hoping to pass out!
Praying for a near black out- to go to sleep and not wake up till morning.
And I DID!!
I do, I really do love love love my drugs.

I woke up way less swollen- at least five pounds less!!! And decided obviously this doctor has no clue what's wrong with my thyroid, so I'm not gonna cut down, or cut out my thyroid pill- till I see an endocrinologist.
I KNOW for a fact something is REALLY REALLY WRONG with my thyroid- and I'm not gonna mess with it till I see someone with some knowledge of such things.
Like I said previously- my doctor had said she's never in her entire life seen blood results like mine.
Meaning- one- I'm TRULY UNIQUE!!! hahaha!
and two- She's never treated someone with my problem!

Today I went back to my normal first pill, and still upped the second.
It was like a brand new fucking day!!!
The birds were singing and I was happy.
I was still uncomfortable- remnants from yesterday.
Plus I have bone pain all the time now.
Did I mention I've had the sniffles all day long too?
I was nice to everyone, not angry.
I felt somewhat at peace.
I cleaned the house, cooked brisket, stewed vegetables and risotto.
YEAH baby!!! I'm back!
In an 84 year old body- but still I'm kinda happy today- and that's way better than before.
I took a quick walk with Dave to the bakery- a block in, stabbing pain starts in my ankle and then my leg. I ended up limping the rest of the way there and back like the fucking humpback of notre dame (Dave: it's really HUNCHback, but,... uh..., yeah)!
But I was determined to not let the pain get in my way.
DAMNIT I wanted cookies! And I wanted them NOW DAMNIT!

And I got my damn cookies! Na na na boo boo!

I'm typing this blog with my foot up on my couch because it feels broken even though I KNOW it's not.

I love GEODON. It makes me- NOT a serial killer.
A little angel- with a raging angry little devil inside just waiting for the fucking moment to get out and motherfucking party, bitches!!!

On that note I leave you.
KISSES BITCHES
Rock out with your cock out!!! Woooooohooooooo

*P.S. I'm gonna be going blonde- SO blonde, people will have to wear sunglasses to look at me directly.
And maybe then...dreadlocks??? My options are open.

*P.P.S.- I came into the livingroom yesterday- after just waking up, and Lee's therapist was there working with them. She saw my hair (and how big an afro it was).
She looked SHOCKED! And said "I've never seen it that big!"
At first I really wanted to say all these dirty jokes that jammed into my head, like a bunch of fat people stuck in the doorway of a cake shop (I LOVE fatties!! Don't HATE!).
Such as-" You mean my dick?!" (you get the idea)

But my real anser "Yeah actually this is it small, it can get three times bigger.
I TOLD YOU MY AFRO WAS BIG!!! COME ON, MOM!! Tell me who my REAL father IS!!

A day in the ER

No, not for me. For my little girl.

Just to catch you up-
Violet went- before her current school- to another preschool for only 4 days (AMAC) before she came home with scratches and bruises up and down her arms ( restrain marks from an adult).
I called the school, the bus company, board of ed, filed a police report, it was a nightmare!
They couldn't tell me what happened- or who did it!
I checked her everywhere- luckily there weren't any other marks.
But she didn't want to be touched for three weeks and screamed and rampaged though the house.
No one- not the school, nor the bus company would tell me what happened- they blamed each other. It's very very unlikely it was the bus- because she was only on the bus for 20 minutes most of which she was sleeping.
I KNEW it was the school.
They made it impossible for me to talk to the teacher- the teacher was ignoring me!
It was a mess.
My daughter never returned to that school- no matter how much THEY BEGGED!
At first I was calling lawyers and advocates, but I didn't want to go to court, or sue- I just wanted ANSWERS!!! Not money.
Yes, I know I'm poor. But this isn't the way to make money- at least that's what I believe.
After all the investigations- one investigator told me "You may never know what happened".
That devastated me.
But he was right.

At that point, I had spoken to my CPSE official and finally got approved the para I wanted Vivi to have ALL ALONG!!!
Plus he found a great school, and was able to get her enrolled, even in October!
When I toured this school- I KNEW this was the one.
It was perfect!
It is still perfect!

Today I got a call from the nurse.
I've never ever had a good relationship with a school nurse before.
In Vivi's old school I got into a screaming match with the bitch of a nurse and at the end of our fight I ended up saying  "You're STUPID!!!" ( I was so frustrated at her stupidity I became a child!)
And her response was priceless- and completely validated what I had just said.
"THANK YOU!"
And that's the very last thing we ever said to each other.

Yeah..so like I said- I got a call from ( Violet's present) school nurse
I was totally calm- I knew whatever she was to tell me- it would be Violet's doing, not someone else. I trust her para more than anything (She's honorary family!!!), and all the teachers and therapists there are the most caring and loving people I've ever dealt with in a school before, or almost anywhere, for that matter.

She told me that my daughter hurt her arm, while hugging her boyfriend (so super cute!!! This boy is such a sweety!!!) she tripped and fell on a mat (padded in the "snooze room"- a beautiful sensory room with lights and sounds and everything imaginable!). She started screaming in pain- holding her arm.

I was calm- I knew they were speaking the truth- after all, my daughter is a dare devil!
We call her the "Terminator!!!" She rarely ever feels pain. She's a robot assassin!
After all I've been through with the old school, it's such a relief to completely trust people that take care of my baby girl.

I had my mom pick her up from school, she works nearby, put her in a cab and brought her home very quickly.
When she got home- Dave and I immediately took her to the emergency room- the closest one to us- Beth Israel. Apparently they don't have a pediatrics department!
Surprise surprise!!!
Well, Violet started crying the minute we got there and didn't stop for about 2 hours.
She got x-rays done of both arms- so that they could compare- since her bones are so tiny.
Besides being a little girl, she takes after me, in that our bone structure is very very small- I know it's hard to believe- but it's true.
They couldn't see any obvious signs of a fracture and referred us to a specialist- a pediatric orthopedist.
The doctor was very nice and kind- Violet trusted her- and that says a LOT! My daughter can "read" a person QUICK! Whether they are good people or not.
And this doctor was.
She was the only child in the Entire hospital, and on top of that SHE'S AUTISTIC!
They had no idea what to do- except for the doctor treating her, she was an angel!
She even said if Vivi still won't use her left arm by Sunday that I should bring her back- FOR HER (the doctor that treated her) to see because she wants to make sure she's okay.
This was the first trip in awhile that it was just Vivi, her daddy and me and definitely the very first time without a stroller!
So even though the circumstances sucked, I was savoring every minute with Violet.
After the hospital discharged us- we went to the mall nearby our house.
We were all starving!!
On the way to McDonald's- I saw bootleg pillow pets- and was determined to buy her a new one.She seems to be collecting them- and sleeps with every single one of them- she uses them as her pillows, her mattress, and her blanket!!! So cushy!
We got her a wolf pillow pet(like I said- bootleg!) and named it "Wolfie" (after the character from the Disney t.v. show Special Agent Oso). She seemed to then LOVE, snuggle and kiss "Wolfie" over and over again.
I love that my daughter connects with stuffed animals so much- not every single stuffed animal- but a select few- I think she sees into their SOULS!!!
I love my baby girl!
She carried Wolfie with her right hand as daddy held her arm gently while she walked between us to McDonald's.
She sat in their highchair snuggling and giggling with Wolfie while she ate her chicken nuggets.
To me, this was one of the best moments- of course not the part about her being hurt- but the time we were given to just focus on my girl.
I decided from that point on, Violet will get alone time with us, as will Levi.
I'm also going to buy finger paints and such for the times in the day, on the weekends when Levi is napping and she's wide awake.

While we walked toward the exit of the mall- all these people were telling me how beautiful Violet was.
This was truly extraordinary!!
No matter how beautiful I think she is, people in the streets, while we lived in Manhattan, never ever complimented Violet. Ever! Levi- it happened all the time. But something about Violet bugged people- because she would be flapping her hands- or yelling bizarre sounds- and it would unnerve the fuckers!
Meanwhile it was normal- even sweet to me.
That's my baby. She'll never be normal- but I'm glad about that and wouldn't have her any other way!!!

*P.S. I got my blood tests results- the doctor said she'd never in her entire LIFE seen thyroid test results like this (my TH and T3 are way below, way way below what they should be, and my T4 is through the fucking roof)!
See! She didn't believe me when I told her- but now- she's a true believer!!! For sure!!!
Now she believes me when I tell her, like I did today that I'm super swollen and uncomfortable.
NOW SHE BELIEVES! FINALLY!!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
Where's the morphine when ya need it, ya know?!

Piss n' shit!

I LOVE that phrase!
Thought I'd share a "Mom story" with you:
Last night- my daughter had a tummy ache- she ate too much cream cheese (she's addicted). She'd been pushing me away all day.
She's only affectionate- when SHE wants to be. She's the boss!
She wanted me to pick her up out of the crib. I was so excited!
When I held her she put her head on my shoulder. I was so touched and then...she pissed all over me.
So much- I was catching it with my hand- whatever wasn't stuck to my clothes.
Oh Joy!
Don't worry though, after some tummy medicine- she felt oodles better and even went to school today!

That's my daughter!

Besides that happening last night, I got a phone call around 8 p.m.
It was about the event recorder I'm supposed to wear for three weeks.
They told me my insurance (shitty form of medicaid) won't pay for it!
I was shocked!
I asked why? They said that medicaid finds event recorders to be "EXPERIMENTAL!!"
Are you shitting me?!!!
And if I wanted I could pay $1000. Did I mention that would be only for 14 days! Not three weeks!!!
I said "I'm on MEDICAID! If I had $1000 handy, I don't think I would be! You might as well ask for one million at this point- cuz you ain't gettin' it!"
Yeah- I kind of turn ghetto when I'm pissed- with the head rolling, finger pointing- you know the deal. I grew up with Trannies- of course I got a diva in me screaming to come out! (Being raised by trannies- is a whole other story in itself!)
This upset me a lot.
PLUS- the day before I was talking to my family counselor,  and I mentioned that, ever since my heart problems have been getting really bad (about 3 months ago), I can't remember people's name or how to spell.
Every single thing I type (nearly) I have edited now, by either Dave or my sister.
This really upsets me because I used to have a photographic memory- that's how I got through school.
Back in the day- I would go to networking parties all the time and met people, only for a second or two- and if I saw that person a year or two later- I would remember their name, because if I didn't it would make me look bad.
I love love love my new friends- my mama group at Lee's school, but I feel it took me WAY too long to remember their names- even though I see them every day and love them all so much.
This really frustrates me- because this ISN'T ME!
The counselor asked me if I've mentioned this to my doctor- I told her no, I never talk to them long enough to mention EVERYTHING.
She then asked if I've ever heard of T.I.A. :
Some people call a transient ischemic attack (TIA) a mini-stroke, because the symptoms are like those of a stroke but do not last long. A TIA happens when blood flow to part of the brain is blocked or reduced, often by a blood clot. After a short time, blood flows again and the symptoms go away. With a stroke, the blood flow stays blocked, and the brain has permanent damage.

A TIA is a warning: It means you are likely to have a stroke in the future. Early treatment can help prevent a stroke.
This terrified me- I answered "Yes. I know what a T.I.A. is- my grandmother suffers from them. She suffers from Dementia now. But she had them when she was near 70 years old!"

She asked if I mentioned THIS to my doctor. I replied "No." Yet again.
Sometimes I don't realize how important some information is to share.

Oy Vey.

By the way- I scheduled an appointment for myself with a cardiac specialist at NYC for the beginning of March.

I'm a bit nervous- but I know it's necessary.
I feel all these doctors are "dropping the ball" so to speak.
It's infuriates me!

I had a nightmare last night- mostly due to taking Tylenol Pm (it always gives me strange dreams). I only take it maybe a few times a month.
Needless to say I'm not gonna take it anymore.

I dreamt that I found out I had a rare disorder that effects the brain ( I totally forgot the exact words the doctor used) and I found out I was going to die- and soon.
Dave then started cheating on me- with everyone (people I didn't know). I was so hurt and angry!
Just so you know- this is completely NOT like him. He's never been unfaithful to me EVER in all of our 13 years together ( even when we were broken up!)
He's always made it clear- I'm all he's ever wanted or will ever want.
He doesn't leave the house without me ever!
And he's never ever alone at home.
He's very trust worthy.
I'm the one that fucked up many times in the past.

I was so angry in the dream, I tried cheating on him- to get him back, but I physically couldn't.
I fought with him saying "I'm gonna die, and this is what you choose to do!"
He responded with "I only slept with them because they were powerful and rich!"
Somehow trying to make me feel better. So strange!

Yeah- so much drama! TOO MUCH for my taste.

When  I woke up from the dream in the middle of the night, I was pissed at him. But I knew it was a dream- and it would be psychotic to punch him in the face, for a dream- right??!!
So I just went back to sleep angry.

This makes me laugh. It's INSANITY for sure!


I'll stop this blog post right here- with you thinking I'm insane.
Because I am insane- and I wouldn't have you thinking otherwise- EVER!

Kisses Bitches!

Now I must have my sister edit my blog.
I'm sure you've caught spelling/grammar errors before- blame that on my EDITORS!!! :) They're Lazy ;) Just kidding...or am I??

* insanity wolf meme. I LOOK UP to this wolf!

oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
REALLY?!!! REALLY??!!!
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Yes- THREE WEEKS!
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
Anywho-
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding!...no I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.