More things about marriage everyone should know

I've learned that across the board- men keep women from sleeping.
How you ask?
Let me tell you.

Every single night whether it be 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. if my husband sees that I have opened my eyes even a smidgen he'll start yapping his mouth away at every single thought that been going through his mind the past five minutes, or the past five years!
And there's no way to stop this yap train! Because I'm in bed and really exhausted from a full days work with my kids and family. He knows I cannot run, or even get my fat ass up out of the bed- to get away from the yap attack, to get some much needed sleep!

I asked some of my girlfriends about this, and their husbands do the EXACT same thing!!!

See the stereotype is ALL WRONG!!!! It's not the woman that yaps away the day and night- it's the MAN!!!

Dave tried to do that this morning- no I wasn't trying to go to sleep but I was tired and watching Levi play, while TRYING to stay awake and alert.
He starts showing me the things he's learned on the Internet and everything else on his mind, including his to-do list for the day.
I felt like my mind was being flung out the window.
I finally yelled "STOP!!!! You are sucking the life out of me!!!"
He looked shocked.
Of course, I realized I just MIGHT have been a tad too harsh and of course apologized.
He knew I was kidding...kinda.
But he saw my apology as a chance to continue talking...which was a no-no.
I FORCED him to go get some rest, in the bedroom. While I stayed in the living room watching Levi.

Oy Vey!
Hey- to all the guys out there!!!! Stop your yapping when you see we are exhausted.
We might just end up smacking you in the back of your head!

Kisses Bitches!

Quickie

A quickie- no, not sex sadly. Ha ha.
Just a quick update:
My dad is on a long list of people getting laid off this year. When? We have no clue! But It's gonna happen. I'm urging him to take early retirement- but he's very stubborn.
Oh and he broke his friend's nose, in a fight, with his head! Totally broke it! And now his friend needs surgery!  Now we have to pay his medical bills. Oh BOY!
His boss is sending him for anger management, hilarious but a bit too late in my opinion.
So things have been mighty stressful here in "Camp crazy nut house" ( meaning my home). My kids have been on vacation this week, and I've never missed school more! I've been having mini nervous breakdowns during the week. Plus both my kids have been abusing me AND loving me. Is this what they mean by tough love????
"I love you! I hate you! No, I love you!" Make up your minds!!!!
I'm thinking of cutting my hair short again, just to spite my son. So that he can't rip out chunks of my hair anymore!!! "Owwwwie" My scalp is on fire!
I'm so slept deprived, Dave said I was crabby (so was he obviously- from lack of sleep), while I had a wet pee pee diaper in my hand. BAD IDEA! I was about to throw it away, but I had a WAY better idea- instead I threw it (the CLOSED pee pee diaper) at his face! We both laughed!!! And then tried to hit each other with the dirty diaper!

Yeah, that's lack of sleep for you. These are the ways we take out our aggression on each other.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Yesterday was hell

but tomorrow is looking better- tomorrow I'll see my mama clan at Levi's school.
Yesterday was shit from the very start- I could tell.
Both kids were losing their minds being stuck at home, as was I.
I wanted to go to the farmer's market in prospect park, since it's been month and months since I've been to one.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the farmer's market.
Pure joy, except when I go to the one in union square- where many many obnoxious people go- the food is GREAT, but the people leave a lot to be desired.
Very wealthy, very snotty, very egotistical, and all very young- all of them together- in one place makes me itch or twitch and scream.
YUCK! Snobby people SUCK!
Plus they all HATE children. So when I go there with my lovely wonderfully, insane children, I just HAVE to run them over with my double stroller, after asking them over five times very politely, to move the FUCK outta the way!
They all forget they were once very obnoxious children themselves.
Not to say my kids are obnoxious, they're just LOUD.
Everyone was driving me insane yesterday.
It was a very bad move for me to take my kids outside.
They were in a bad mood to begin with.
Plus it was fuck ass cold outside.
Taking my kids out- is hard. I won't lie. It's difficult.
Don't me wrong I LOVE my babies.
They complete me (Jerry Maguire anyone??).
But they were both screaming all day long!
Plus Dave and I were arguing.
He THOUGHT he knew where we were going, but it turns out he didn't and was walking us for miles and miles for no good reason with two screaming kids.
I KNEW where we were going- and where I wanted to go.
So we aruged- in front of the kids and in front of my sister and her best friend.
Her best friend was worried, and asked my sister if we were okay? My sister nodded- like "This always happens. This is normal for them."
Yeah it is, I won't lie.
I was really annoyed at him, for quite a few blocks.
He ended up apologizing, but I was too fried and tired to really care.
We did go to the farmer's market, in prospect park, and it was wonderful.
The food was great and the people, way more down to earth- just my kind of people.
When we got home finally, the screaming stopped.
Hours later.
I was DONE for the day.
But apparently the day wasn't done with me.
I headed to my bedroom when I saw the horrific state of the main bathroom- and just HAD to clean it from top to bottom.
I hate filth and mess in my home- but that seems to be all there is. ARGH!
Last night, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted but I couldn't fall deep asleep.
I found out why later, Levi was up all night long laughing and sometimes coughing. Oh and Violet threw up last night all over her pillow pets- so I did laundry at 4 a.m.
She's okay, she's had a cold for over a week, and it made her a little nauseous. She was fine afterwards, and happy. Puking isn't a huge deal for my daughter, since she used to gag herself just for fun. I know, strange kid.
So I didn't get much sleep and then I got to start the day all over again. WOOHOO!
Today I cleaned my kitchen- it's so white, I could cry.
Yes, this is how I deal with frustration, and anger. I clean.
How did I become this way??? HOW?! I'd love to know.
I also cooked dinner, wished dishes, took out the garbage.
I live this housewife kinda life- but it ain't me.
I wanna break free. I really do.
I day dream a lot, about my hopes and desires. They seem so far away sometimes.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day, trying not to feel.
I guess this is my true bipolar moment at the core.
I'm fighting inside, just trying to make it through the day, like a normal person.
But truthfully that'll never be me.
I can pretend and play dress up, but in the end- who am I, really?


Sorry I'll cut this short- because I could go on forever.

As always, Kisses Bitches!

What Nightmares are made of..

SHIT!
And..my day- today.
Today sucked hairy-balls-monkey-ass feet!!!

The day started with me feeling like shit- no- more like I was shit on and ATE shit.
That's more what it felt like.
I've been feeling physically okay for two weeks, not mentally at all- but physically.
Today- all the good- went flying out the window-
I've been really really tired for three days- and coffee ain't cuttin' it.
Like ZOMBIE kinda tired- I might start eating brains at this point!
And I've been getting sleep! That's the killer! I've been getting sleep- but I'm even more exhausted.
Then today I was feeling like I was gonna pass the fuck out flat on my face.
So I took another thyroid pill, hoping it would magically up my incredibly low thyroid.
NAH- it didn't.
Anyways to make a long story short-
this is what happened TODAY:
-Had nightmares all night long about vomiting- and my Violet vomiting- very weird.
-I was nauseous ALL DAY LONG.
-I broke a glass in the kitchen, shattered everywhere- cleaned it up half asleep.
-took Levi to school
-came back- he started tantrumming- why? I have no clue- he wasn't hungry, or wet.
-He bashed his chin into the crib, was okay- then when we put him down to run around- he walked fast straight into my parents doorway!
FACE FIRST!
He hit it so hard he FLEW backwards!!!
He had a big bump on his head- still screaming Dave and I put ice and pressure to the bump/bruise- so it wouldn't get any bigger. I was freaking out and trying not to show it- I felt like throwing up!
- Levi's bump went down, as much as possible- it's still bruised
Violet then pushed him down- making him bang his head AGAIN.
Violet was going to get a time out when Dave had to change her diaper- and the POOP diaper fell on the living room carpet!!
That was the last straw! I screamed a fucking HORROR MOVIE SCREAM- so loud!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Get the shit off my carpet!!!
I can laugh about this now- but then I was FREAKED. No one was cleaning it up fast enough.
I couldn't take much more!

Could I even possibly write this if it weren't true???
No one can make this shit up!

That is my life.

Now Levi and Violet are at peace sleeping for the time being- until the day starts again at midnight to them waking up every hour.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I love my babies- I really do.

Kisses Bitches!!!

been quiet for awhile

hey guys and gals!
I've been quiet for awhile- sorry about that.
A lot of things have been happening.
My birthday just passed. I turned 30 years old.
Usually, I would think nothing of it-
but for so many years, including this year- I couldn't see beyond the present day.
I never believed I had a future.
I still don't.
I spent a lot of time in crisis mode.
I lived a very fast, hard fucking life- in a short amount of time.
The point I'm getting at is that I never ever believed I'd make it to 30.
Not because my body would kill me (even though it's tried so very hard so many times), but that I would kill myself.
I tried during my stay in hospitals (plural). I not afraid of pain.
I LIVE through pain.
At least I've learned to tolerate it.
Since I feel physical pain all the time now.
Funny since when I was a child I didn't feel physical pain.
Didn't know I'd broken bones until the day afterwards.
I would run into door knobs to see if I could bust the door open with my head.
Yeah- I was a very "special" kind of child.
Didn't feel pain.
Now it seems that's all I do.
I have spent so many years poor, dirt poor, that I don't expect any type of gifts or even cake at this point.
I remember many birthdays miserable- broke and eating rice so that my family could afford to eat food.
I'm used to starving, I've done it for over two thirds of my entire LIFE! And no I do not "enjoy" starving anymore.
I was surprised on my birthday when my parents made a big deal about it.
It was very strange and a welcomed emotion from me.
The day in itself, was similar to every other day- until it came to dessert.
My dad had bought me a birthday cake!
Yes, it was one of the only flavors I dislike (chocolate mousse- eww!), but I didn't let him know.
I don't get moments like these from my dad, so I tried to enjoy this one.
As I was about to blow out the candles-I noticed there was no camera.
No, I'm not constantly posing for the camera-
it's a tradition of ours to take a photo of blowing out the candles every single birthday, like most families.
I asked Dave to get the camera, he seemed to not care.
This angered me a lot.
He knew the tradition, and why this birthday meant something to me, but he seemed too busy eating a burger to pay me any mind.
Needless to say, I blew out my candles without a photo to capture the moment.
I was furious and this sparked a huge argument between Dave and I.
I won't go into details, other than he did share that he's been depressed for many years now.
And can't "feel" happiness.
I starting writing this blog- two days ago-
in the middle of writing this my son starting puking he's guts out.
Everyone had the stomach virus and are still recuperating.
Now I continue this blog- days later- and I'm not feeling the same emotion I was when I was writing the blog.
Today it is Dave's birthday.
And like me, he never ever saw a future for himself.
Yet here we are on his 38th birthday, celebrating (kind of) with our two kids.
I want to make a big deal about it. But he still doesn't feel well- so buying a cake and going out, is out of the question.
And I think he's still depressed.
Plus today I get a call from my landlord that my CRAZY neighbor is complaining she doesn't have heat "because there are too many people here taking showers all day long".
Meanwhile she has five people living there, none of them little babies.
I only have two more people here, and they are both under four years old!
What a fucking crazy person!
Tell I meantion, she came knocking on MY door at 8p.m. a few night ago blaming me for her not having any hot water.
Even though I spend many days with no hot water myself!
Oy Vey!
It's times like these I really wish I had moved to Florida, instead of here.
And had our own house- with no landlord or upstairs neighbors complaining.

I dream of warm weather, our OWN place and no one to answer to.

I dream a dream worth living for.

Kisses Bitches!
I NEED MONEY! The LOTTO would be AWESOME!

FUCK the weekend!!

As I said earlier- in a previous blog post-
My new doc let me know- that my thyroid is fucked up.
This isn't anything new obviously!
She told me to cut OUT one thyroid pill and UP the other.
I knew this was a very very bad idea.
So instead of cutting the first one out- I cut it in half, and upped the other like she said.
I spent most of the day in some of the worst pain in my entire fucking life!
EVERYTHING HURT!
My bones, muscles, my body was swelling really badly.
I was gonna call 911 at this point!
I felt like I was in a K-Hole!!!
Hey if you're old enough, and did drugs like I used to- remember K-HOLE????
It sucked- but that's besides the point.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I have been so fucking bitchy and angry for weeks now.
DAve and I both realize- we are WAY nicer to strangers than we are to each other.
But I was gonna explode!!!
Yesterday morning I had a fight with Dave at 4 A.M!
When we went back to bed- I told him, "I just might end up choking you in your sleep."
He responded half joking, "Well that's why I don't stay in bed all night long. Because I'm afraid I'll never wake up!!!"
I started hysterically laughing- but I knew he was kinda right. I was about to fucking SNAP!!!
During yesterday a lightbulb went off- I called my doc asking to go back on my anti-psychotic (Geodon),
I had been off it for about two months- because we were worried that it was affecting my heart.
At this point- I didn't care.
The night before - all I dreamt about was slapping people!!!
I was INSANE!
But I've also mentioned in my blogs that anger is my first clue- irriational anger is my first clue- something is going to happen- to my heart and my body.
The end of yesterday I spent wanting to die, the pain was so bad.
I couldn't move!
I gladly took my geodon last night- hoping to pass out!
Praying for a near black out- to go to sleep and not wake up till morning.
And I DID!!
I do, I really do love love love my drugs.

I woke up way less swollen- at least five pounds less!!! And decided obviously this doctor has no clue what's wrong with my thyroid, so I'm not gonna cut down, or cut out my thyroid pill- till I see an endocrinologist.
I KNOW for a fact something is REALLY REALLY WRONG with my thyroid- and I'm not gonna mess with it till I see someone with some knowledge of such things.
Like I said previously- my doctor had said she's never in her entire life seen blood results like mine.
Meaning- one- I'm TRULY UNIQUE!!! hahaha!
and two- She's never treated someone with my problem!

Today I went back to my normal first pill, and still upped the second.
It was like a brand new fucking day!!!
The birds were singing and I was happy.
I was still uncomfortable- remnants from yesterday.
Plus I have bone pain all the time now.
Did I mention I've had the sniffles all day long too?
I was nice to everyone, not angry.
I felt somewhat at peace.
I cleaned the house, cooked brisket, stewed vegetables and risotto.
YEAH baby!!! I'm back!
In an 84 year old body- but still I'm kinda happy today- and that's way better than before.
I took a quick walk with Dave to the bakery- a block in, stabbing pain starts in my ankle and then my leg. I ended up limping the rest of the way there and back like the fucking humpback of notre dame (Dave: it's really HUNCHback, but,... uh..., yeah)!
But I was determined to not let the pain get in my way.
DAMNIT I wanted cookies! And I wanted them NOW DAMNIT!

And I got my damn cookies! Na na na boo boo!

I'm typing this blog with my foot up on my couch because it feels broken even though I KNOW it's not.

I love GEODON. It makes me- NOT a serial killer.
A little angel- with a raging angry little devil inside just waiting for the fucking moment to get out and motherfucking party, bitches!!!

On that note I leave you.
KISSES BITCHES
Rock out with your cock out!!! Woooooohooooooo

*P.S. I'm gonna be going blonde- SO blonde, people will have to wear sunglasses to look at me directly.
And maybe then...dreadlocks??? My options are open.

*P.P.S.- I came into the livingroom yesterday- after just waking up, and Lee's therapist was there working with them. She saw my hair (and how big an afro it was).
She looked SHOCKED! And said "I've never seen it that big!"
At first I really wanted to say all these dirty jokes that jammed into my head, like a bunch of fat people stuck in the doorway of a cake shop (I LOVE fatties!! Don't HATE!).
Such as-" You mean my dick?!" (you get the idea)

But my real anser "Yeah actually this is it small, it can get three times bigger.
I TOLD YOU MY AFRO WAS BIG!!! COME ON, MOM!! Tell me who my REAL father IS!!