Yesterday was hell

but tomorrow is looking better- tomorrow I'll see my mama clan at Levi's school.
Yesterday was shit from the very start- I could tell.
Both kids were losing their minds being stuck at home, as was I.
I wanted to go to the farmer's market in prospect park, since it's been month and months since I've been to one.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the farmer's market.
Pure joy, except when I go to the one in union square- where many many obnoxious people go- the food is GREAT, but the people leave a lot to be desired.
Very wealthy, very snotty, very egotistical, and all very young- all of them together- in one place makes me itch or twitch and scream.
YUCK! Snobby people SUCK!
Plus they all HATE children. So when I go there with my lovely wonderfully, insane children, I just HAVE to run them over with my double stroller, after asking them over five times very politely, to move the FUCK outta the way!
They all forget they were once very obnoxious children themselves.
Not to say my kids are obnoxious, they're just LOUD.
Everyone was driving me insane yesterday.
It was a very bad move for me to take my kids outside.
They were in a bad mood to begin with.
Plus it was fuck ass cold outside.
Taking my kids out- is hard. I won't lie. It's difficult.
Don't me wrong I LOVE my babies.
They complete me (Jerry Maguire anyone??).
But they were both screaming all day long!
Plus Dave and I were arguing.
He THOUGHT he knew where we were going, but it turns out he didn't and was walking us for miles and miles for no good reason with two screaming kids.
I KNEW where we were going- and where I wanted to go.
So we aruged- in front of the kids and in front of my sister and her best friend.
Her best friend was worried, and asked my sister if we were okay? My sister nodded- like "This always happens. This is normal for them."
Yeah it is, I won't lie.
I was really annoyed at him, for quite a few blocks.
He ended up apologizing, but I was too fried and tired to really care.
We did go to the farmer's market, in prospect park, and it was wonderful.
The food was great and the people, way more down to earth- just my kind of people.
When we got home finally, the screaming stopped.
Hours later.
I was DONE for the day.
But apparently the day wasn't done with me.
I headed to my bedroom when I saw the horrific state of the main bathroom- and just HAD to clean it from top to bottom.
I hate filth and mess in my home- but that seems to be all there is. ARGH!
Last night, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted but I couldn't fall deep asleep.
I found out why later, Levi was up all night long laughing and sometimes coughing. Oh and Violet threw up last night all over her pillow pets- so I did laundry at 4 a.m.
She's okay, she's had a cold for over a week, and it made her a little nauseous. She was fine afterwards, and happy. Puking isn't a huge deal for my daughter, since she used to gag herself just for fun. I know, strange kid.
So I didn't get much sleep and then I got to start the day all over again. WOOHOO!
Today I cleaned my kitchen- it's so white, I could cry.
Yes, this is how I deal with frustration, and anger. I clean.
How did I become this way??? HOW?! I'd love to know.
I also cooked dinner, wished dishes, took out the garbage.
I live this housewife kinda life- but it ain't me.
I wanna break free. I really do.
I day dream a lot, about my hopes and desires. They seem so far away sometimes.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day, trying not to feel.
I guess this is my true bipolar moment at the core.
I'm fighting inside, just trying to make it through the day, like a normal person.
But truthfully that'll never be me.
I can pretend and play dress up, but in the end- who am I, really?


Sorry I'll cut this short- because I could go on forever.

As always, Kisses Bitches!

Tip Toe

These were my fortunes for today- from the wise ol' fortune cookies from the Chinese food take-out place.
I got three- one- because I'm greedy
                 two- because I like cookies.
Any type really- as long as they ain't stale.

But SOMETHING was trying to tell me something that I was supposed to be doing today. Even the wise ol' fortune cookies were in on it!
So I decided to actually listen to what the world around me was trying to say.

I've been suffocating my feelings for so long now- pushing them so far down- that I felt like a zombie- dead inside and out.
I was always tip-toeing around people's feelings.
Like walking on egg shells. Worry what the response or reaction would be.
Well I blew that outta the water today.
Instead of backing down- I stood up.
To my husband and to my mom.
I got into three fights today, no not fist fights, thank goodness.

With my mom, it's hard. I love her so much and I respect her.
I love my mom, she's the shit! No doubt!
But we do have our issues, and they go way way way back to when I was a wee little one.
We fought- loudly, tonight.
And instead of backing down, I said what I thought.
And of course it hurt her- but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to just come clean with her about my feelings.
She got furious at me. And gave me the silent treatment for a bit- I can't handle that.
Maybe it's from when I was with women, but that is like a stabbing in the heart to me.
Yeah I know I just told you my fucking weakness!!!
So please don't exploit it!!!
It's a woman thing- women RULE at the silent treatment.
I'd rather say it and have an all out fight than not speak to each other.

So of course, I went into her room apologizing NOT for what I said, because it was the truth, but because I upset her and that wasn't my intention.
After a lot of crying- from both of us.
She gave me the best compliment, I've ever received from her- in my life.
I'm teary just writing it now-
She said "Thank you for taking care of Kayla all these years. And for taking care of all of us.
You did a great job! And still do so.
I'm sorry to have done that to you.
I love you.
And Thank you."
I said "you're welcome mom."
I've never felt so taken back in my life.
Those are the words I've waited my life to hear, but never expected to hear them.

I also fought with Dave today. I didn't back down (well originally I did, it's just I still am always scared of people's reactions) but in the end, we came to an understanding. At least for now.
I don't feel completely hopeless.
I feel I've gained back some control of my life and I'm not just gonna watch it pass me by.


I had to write this right away, even though my tears are making it hard to see the keyboard. Making it take a long time to type. I'm blind as it is for goodness sakes.

Cried so much today- definitely more than I'm comfortable with.
I felt nauseous for days- but once I started crying the nausea went away.
The emotional pain was making me nauseous and feel sick.
But you know- once that door opens- it can't shut so easily anymore.

This is the end of the blog post-
I'll leave you with my usual
Kisses Bitches!
Be the Kick ASS person you know you can be! ALWAYS!

oh my! Oh me oh my!

Yesterday was INSANE!
Yeah I know, most of my days usually are- but really this was nuts!!
Dave, Kayla, my kids and I went to the nearby mall yesterday.
Kayla and I needed winter boots desperately and we wanted to get the kids some toys for the holidays.
The mall was packed- but that didn't bother me that much- what really frazzled me was Levi who screamed straight yesterday for about five hours!!!
My kids get days like these, I can't really do anything about it- just get through it.
Violet on the other hand was fantastic while shopping, she was happy and very well behaved!
Thank goodness!
I didn't get much shopping done because of Lee's screaming.
Afterwards we went to Loews' across the street from the mall. I had to pick up a  few things for the new place.
After an hour and half there going through aisles- I was going to drop!
Pass the fuck out- I was just pushing through it because Dave was still shopping, or at least looking around for things he needed.
Levi was STILL screaming!
At Loews's they have this "buggy" cart for kids- with a two steering wheels- it's very cute- and I'm very thankful for this invention! TRULY!!
I put Levi and Violet in this wonderful cart.
Levi has some issues with Violet- mainly because every time she sees him in the house she pushes him down to the floor- laughing hysterically. She thinks this is SO funny!
Levi is a very sensitive little boy- Dave and I say one day he'll be captain...of his tea party. While Violet is captain of the football team, the soccer team, track team- you get what I'm saying.
The minute I put Violet right next to Levi in the cart- Levi started pushing her away crying even more!
I,of course told Levi "NO". This Levi still has no concept of- the word "no" is like I'm speaking an alien language to him.
Violet was just looking at him, like "What is your problem?"
She still has no clue why Levi gets upset around her- at all.
Violet was holding a musical ornament that she kept playing over and over again- while Levi is crying banging his head against the steering wheel!
At one point lee was "driving" the cart holding both steering wheels- while Violet was obsessed with her ornament.
Hilarious!!!
You all know, my son is a head banger.
The steering wheel was soft- so there wasn't any worries- but he looked like a baby with road rage!
I had to laugh! So here I was laughing pushing this crazy looking "buggy cart" with both my kids- one of them screaming and banging his head against the wheel!
I looked like the worst mom in the world- I'm used to this look.
People look at me- like I can't "control" my kids because they don't understand that my kids are autistic!
Fuck 'em!!! That's what I say!
I told Dave we got to go home, I was going to pass out- and I had to get home and make dinner.
We called a car service- it's only $5 from the store.
We rang up everything at the cashier- the woman was such a cunt!
But I pushed it off- people have bad days- I understand this.
Then the car came- LATE. While my kids and I are freezing waiting forever for this damn car.
We were three adult two babies.
The guy said we were "too many people".
I said " But my kids are babies- they're small and will sit on our laps, it's only a few blocks"
He yelled at me "They're STILL PEOPLE!!!"
Are you kidding me???!!!
So I sent Dave, Kayla and my kids in the car with most of the packages.
There was no room for one of the strollers.
Plus it's pitch black outside- about 20 degrees,  I have no gloves, or hat- just a coat and a fucking empty stroller! I practically ran- 13 very unfamiliar blocks.
Before you get mad at Dave, it was my decision to send him home. He has a busted knee, and him, my kids and my sister mean more to me- than myself- any day.
I got home only a few minutes after they did- yeah I'm fast!
On the way there I saw this HUGE guy- looking all kinds of wrong-
I saw him, he saw me- on an empty sidewalk- I followed my instincts- and ran right into the street- with my empty stroller.
Yeah at this point- he thought I was FUCKING nuts- so he didn't follow me.
 Is stopped by a lotto place- thinking "oh man, THIS must be my lucky fucking day, Right?!" (sarcastically of course) I had three dollars in my pocket- I bought 3 tickets.
The guys at the counter looked at me and the empty stroller.
I told him I had been kicked out of a car, because the crazy driver said there were "too many people".
He asked how many blocks do I have to walk in the cold home?
I answered "Around thirteen".
He shook his head in awe- and wished me a lot of luck!
I finally got home, Dave was still loading bags into the house.
When I got settled- hands frozen- I realized I never had my phone with me- man I was SO lucky!
Dave tells me that he almost KILLED the driver!
The driver wasn't helping Dave unload the bags while Dave was holding Levi- so Dave snapped!
And threatened the driver " If you don't help me with these goddamn bags, I swear I will bust your fucking head in!"
Then yelled at my sister "Bring me Mister Rogers!!!"
Before you think Dave is out of his mind- we call our wooden baseball bat ( at least 20 lbs heavy), "Mister Rogers". We find this hilarious!
When the guy heard Dave yell at Kayla, he started hustling and moving the bags really fast!
Dave shouted "If you break anything in these bags and will bust your fucking kneecaps!"
The guy was so scared at this point.
Kayla had forgotten to get Mister Rogers- and thank goodness because Dave would've killed him.
Dave the whole time was thinking of all the horrible things that could have happened to me- driving him into madness, truthfully.
I know for certain- Dave loves me more than anything on the planet- even though we argue, I know this to my core.
He would kill for me, die for me- you name it.
He's obsessive this way.
And I appreciate it.
I was shocked when I heard what happened.
Even more shocked when I found out my mom had cooked and I didn't have to!
Woohoooo!
I sat the kids in their highchairs and we all ate everything so fast!
I had been awake since 6 a.m.- it had been a very "full" day for me-
Dave and I passed the fuck out the minute the kids did- at 8:45 p.m.
Sleep didn't last long- and we ended up awake most of the night tending to Violet- who made up for being so good that day, by keeping us hopping all night long. hahaha!
I even cleared out the refrigerator at four a.m!
I had time on my hands!



That was my insane day!!!
How was yours???


Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo that Kayla took of my kids and I in Loews

Today Today Today

Me oh my! What a day I just had.
One of the longest days ever!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was put on a new birth control pill- to stop the horrible pain from the severe endometriosis they think I have (again).
And I really don't want surgery again- so I took the freaking pill.
I was not in pain all night long last night- a plus!
But I was up ALL night long!- NOT a plus!
The pill can cause insomnia- oh boy!
The kids woke up at 5 A.M. cracking each other up- how? I have no clue. But they were hysterically laughing.
I took them in the living room to eat breakfast- and took my thyroid medication- I was SO super hungry I could barely wait the hour I was supposed to- and let it absorb into my system.
I wanted FOOD and I wanted it NOW!
I made my coffee and bagel and cream cheese. Yummmmmm!
More than TWO hours of the kids running around like crazy!!! It was madness!
I finally put Violet on the school bus- then I had to do some laundry ( some not all- otherwise I would have been there all day long). During that time- the nasty rusty old pipes under my kitchen sink burst and I had a flood in the kitchen- all this before 10 a.m!
I was on the phone with several brokers looking for a new apartment around the same time I was mopping up the flood and watching Levi.
I have been getting headaches on and off all day, plus cramping, plus anxiety, plus pain in my joints.
I feel like a total wreck!
Dave and I were fighting all day long!
We both hadn't slept- and it was nuts!
We rent video games from gamefly every month.
A few days ago he discovered he really liked the game "the Darkness" (based off a comic done by the same people that did WitchBlade- if you don't know the comic WitchBlade- man I feel pity for you- because it was THAT awesome- in the beginning)
I have no problem him playing video games- I actually like watching- not playing as much. Only if I LOVE the game.
But I DO have a problem if I'm overwhelmed with watching my two crazy kids- one in destruction mode (Violet), and not feeling even remotely like myself.
I kept asking him PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shut it off for now- until the kids are asleep.
Of course- he did what he wanted- this led to even more fighting.
I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I HATE fighting- I really do.
Being at each others throats- not fun at all.
I had planned on seeing several apartments today with my father- but I felt like a mess- plus Dave was falling asleep and I couldn't leave him alone with the kids. So I sent my mom and sister in my place.
They actually found a really beautiful place that they liked. They showed me video and photos of the place- I like it too. I think this may be the place.
I'd still be living in Manhattan- but more uptown- and on the east side.
Even though I WOULD LOVE to leave Manhattan and head to beautiful Brooklyn- we were having a hard time finding something affordable, big enough and easy to travel to the city from ( both my parents work in the city). Plus the stairs were really difficult for my mom to climb up- her arthritis in her knees is really bad.
I LOVE Brooklyn SO much- the food, the people, the scenery. I had the BEST burger and sweet potato fries I've ever had in my entire life at a diner in Brooklyn. Afterwards I picked up a dozen of the most wonderful donuts I've seen in such a long time in this little hole in the wall donut shop (usually I'm krispy Kreme's BITCH!!! I HATE Dunkin Donuts- EWWW!) They were fresh and so amazing. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
My awesome friend Karen, took my parents and I around for a tour around the neighborhood. She has helped me so much in this crazy search for a new home. Thank you so much Karen- I owe you!
Even if I don't move to Brooklyn- I'm gonna visit almost every week!

On another note-I've been stuffing my face with sweet treats all day long. The cravings are so intense- I might hurt someone if they get in my way- kinda cravings.
I have never eaten so much sugar in one day before. And I haven't fell into a food coma yet!!! What the FUCK?! I LOVE food comas- it's just bliss- pure unconscious bliss- no freaking joke!
Man I really hope these cravings and all this pain wears off soon from the medication soon. I don't want to stop taking it yet- not until I know for sure- that these feeling won't go away.
Hopefully I won't gain like 40,000 lbs in a month. Oh god I hope not.

On top of everything that happened today- Violet was insane- she hadn't slept at all today - and barely slept last night. So she tries to keep herself awake by destroying things- and running around like a crazy woman.
I'm exhausted!
She FINALLY passed out a few minutes ago- as did Dave. PHEW!
Peace and Quiet- well...Levi isn't asleep just yet- but he's not noisy right now and I can tell he's getting sleepy.
I should be unconscious by now, right??! But no I'm wide awake!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

And that's where I'll leave this blog post.
With everyone thinking What the fuck?!
That's good right?

Kisses Bitches!!!
Woohooo Halloween is coming!!

P.S.- I sad to my mom "I'm gonna go to the bathroom right now, and go kill myself." ( I said partially joking). She replied "Okay dear, have a good time!"
That cracked me up!!! My mom's so crazy! I love her!

Me so tired

I'm so exhausted!!
I went with Violet for her second day of her new school.
But I haven't been sleeping well for DAYS!
Last night at 4 A.M. I was tossing and turning, Levi woke up and Dave was really nasty and mean to me- do I remember what he said exactly- no because it was FOUR O'CLOCK in the fucking morning.
WAY too early to be arguing.
He was feeling very ill last night and hadn't slept- so apparently it's okay to totally lose your temper as long as you have a "good" excuse?
While Dave was in the bathroom, I picked up Lee out of the crib to comfort him.
He was SO happy to see that it was me- not Dave- picking me up to cuddle.
He kept smiling at me and putting his head on my shoulder.
Then he played "face hugger"- by this I mean, have you seen the movie Aliens???
He took his finger and kept trying to put it in my mouth- then trying to put it in my nose- the whole time I'm laughing saying to him "Levi! You little face hugger!!"
He thought it was hilarious!
Eventually he got tired again and went back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. just to have to wake up an hour later to get Violet and me ready for the school bus.
Did I ever mention how much I hated school, back in the day. I mean absolutely HATED, DREADED freaking school.
So it's hilarious to me- that I'm waking up at this time to go with my daughter to her school.
She had another great day today at school.
This morning she even tried a piece of my bagel with cream cheese!!!
It's like a whole new Violet!!! Woohoo.
Well not completely- she still has a meltdown at meal time every single day, in school and at home.
A half an hour after we got home I had to rush her off to her sensory gym.
Two hours later, she had therapy at home- and that's when her mental breakdown started.
Screaming, crying- because she's exhausted.
I'm exhausted- and I don't run around half as much as she does- and on as little food as she does.
I have no idea where she gets the abundance of energy she has.
They wanted me to come to school again tomorrow, and even though I DO LOVE the school, and of course my child- and the other children as well- I need some freaking sleep!!!
All her classmates- They are some of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet!!
All these kids with all kinds of physical and learning disabilities- they are so sweet and kind.
I bonded with a few of them.
One boy in her class follows Violet around and sings her name to a made up melody.
The kids were following me around the classroom, coming up to me- playing with me.
It's such an amazing experience- I cannot even describe how much I adore these kids- even after only two days.
Everyone at this school is so lucky, including the teachers.
Good thing is they have an open door policy, and I can come anytime I'd like.
I should be sleeping right now- but instead I'm typing.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my own husband.
His emotions are all over the place.
I LOVE that after he blew up at me this morning, he said I was being oversensitive- that's when I said- "Whoa- back up!"
"In a few minutes you are going to realize that you just blew your fucking top- for no good reason- and you are going to feel really bad that you did that."
At that point, he apologized.
I wanted him to go to the doctor today- but he avoids the doctor like the plague.
Where is a fucking blow dart when I need it????
But instead of knocking him out- it'll just make him be nice.
Man I WANT that freaking drug!!!
On another note- I've been trying to schedule that second mammogram because something is going on with my left breast.
Instead of being sad or depressed about the possibility of cancer- I make jokes about it- at my expense. It puts my family at ease and they laugh a little. My dad hates that I make jokes about the lump.
Finally my mom had to tell him, it's better for me to laugh about it- than cry.
He decided to donate one day of his salary to Breast Cancer Foundation. I found that really touching- since my dad doesn't communicate his feelings very well at all- especially about me- except if he's mad at me- that he's always expressed really really well.


So I'll end this blog here for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!

I think I'm a good luck charm...

for everyone else that is- for me- not so much at all.
All these bad things keep happening to us- I'm so frustrated and depressed.
My babies and I keep getting sick- and our court case is coming up this month. And even though we have such a great case against them, I know they play dirty and lie- so I have no clue what to expect.
I'm just tired of it all, ya know? Having to fight for everything!
Nothing comes easily- I'm just breaking down at this point.
I see all these great things happening to those around me, and for that I'm very thankful and grateful, I just wonder when it's our turn- for something great to happen.
For us to have the money to get out of this shit hole, and move into a beautiful new home.
For my family and I to stop getting sick every month.
I'm crying all morning- and I can't stand it.
You all know how much I don't like to cry.
But I feel like I can't stop. I'm supposed to be strong for my family- but I don't feel very strong right now.
I know feeling this way isn't going to help anything- and I'm trying to fight it as best I can.

Thanks for listening- sorry to be a downer.