Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans

cokehead is the correct spelling, autocorrect

from my past-

As I put my head out the window of the speeding bright green VW beetle, I saw flashing lights. I was really high on ecstasy and god knows what other small little magical pills I swallowed earlier that evening. The lights were all different beautitful colors- It thought to myself I've never seen something so beautiful before.

Probably a very common thought among "E heads".

It was all so amazing!! I felt so free!!

We stopped suddenly at a red light. Right beside us was a cop car.

The cops just looked at us with a glare.

My ( then) girlfriend hit the gas and we sped up practically racing the nearby police car- laughing our asses off!

Now before you go criticizing me being in a car with a girl just as high as me, driving.

Let me explain to you this- This girl could NOT drive for a second, sober-

She was terrible! HORRIBLE!

Her sister ( whom I dated as well) and I never got in the car when she was sober- we were afriad for our lives!

I remember these days.

There were several advantages to going out with a drug dealer.

She was a very petite little woman, with the face of Courtney Cox ( when she was young).

We smoked all the time, in the car, out of the car.

Did I mention she was also a cokehead?

Yeah- I at the time- was not.

Let me tell you this every single drug dealer I' ve ever met- and there have been lots!!!

Has at least one drug they will not touch. Because they felt it was beneath them to do so.

Take my ex- girl for example- she LOVED the shit out of coke, but would never ever smoke CRACK. But that was her biggest money maker- CRACK.

She looked down on crackheads, talking shit about them all the time, while she would sniff about eight lines of coke in one sitting.

This relationship- if you could call it that- didn't last long.

She did propose to me though, I even accepted at the time.

I couldn't say no- ever to anybody- at that time. So I accepted this antique diamond ring, as she got down on one knee proposing.

I accepted even though I knew I didn't love her.

I did not follow through. Thank goodness! I gave her back everything.

Mania is it's own drug.

Trying desperately to write daily

Let's see how this goes.

I made eggs for everyone (five adults and 1 curious babygirl. The other one wanted no part in it).
I feel everyone takes me for granted.
I should go on strike!!!!

Thunderstorms kept Lee up most of the night. So I pulled his crib right next to my bed, so that I could hold his hand for several hours, so he could sleep, while I did not.
The things mamas do for the kids, huh?
I love my babies, so it's totally worth it.

I was in pain most of the night and uncomfortable. Not fun at all.

Craving lots of eggs ( pastured eggs are DELICIOUS!!! When I can afford them;), pickles ( FROMTHE BARREL!!! NO JARRED FREAKS OF NATURE PLEASE!!!) and my homemade chocolate chunk cookies ( I made them two days ago and everyone seems to be attacking them!!!)
I totally fucked up  the recipe, because I've been so out of it lately. But they came out the best chocolate chip cookies I ever made!!! Go figure!!!

I'm tired, cranky, and a bit delusional. the day being stormy doesn't help.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

P.S. I'm crossing my fingers I get interviewed for a segment on autism, for CBS, this week.
Oh I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE!!!!!! Please cross your fingers too!!!

Am I the only person on the planet, that thinks my kids being autisitic isn't a problem, or curse. But a miracle. My kids are so special, and perfect the way they are and were always meant to be. I'm not looking for a "cure", or for them to grow out of it. I LOVE my babies more than life itself. And I believe God made them perfect the way they are.
But I guess that's just me, huh?

I just got a call...from the grave.

Yeah! You are as surprised as I am. I didn't know they had cellphones in heaven...or hell, either!!
Let me explain-
It's my creep out moment of the day.

I was in the bath, when I notice my cellphone going off.
The name "Victor Hugo" was listed with no number- calling me.
I rejected the call because I reject any number I don't know.
Plus this wasn't a number, this was a name, of someone I have never met before.
My phone never shows the name, unless I have it listed as a contact of mine.

When I got out of the tub, I checked my phone, no voicemail, no nothing.
It wasn't even listed in my call log!!! It was like it never happened!
I look up the name, and come to find out Victor Hugo is a dead author.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Creepy right?

I told my mom what happened, and added "I had no idea the dead could make phone calls!"
"Maybe he was calling to tell me to finish my fucking book already!"
Who knows, right?

I know I'm always apologizing for not blogging enough lately, but I have very good reasons for that.
Number one reason- I am doing both night and day shifts with my kids. No naps, no breaks, no nothing.
Why, you ask?
Because David And I are having a trial separation right now.
He is living elsewhere right now. While I take care of the household, the doctors appointments, the shopping, and the kids.

A quick note- Dave and I have been having problems for years. I'm sure he won't agree with this statement. But I've felt this way for a long time.
I mentioned I was very unhappy. He asked if I wanted a divorce. I told him I didn't know.
He left the next day. That was his decision.

This is a difficult time for me right now. I feel every emotion at once.
I've known him for almost half my life. It's a big adjustment, for me and the kids, but I'm sure we will be okay.
I don't think they've noticed yet, but I worry for when they do.

I don't know what the next step will be, or what tomorrow will bring. I'm just taking one day at a time.

Kisses Bitches.
Thanks for listening to mah stories.

More things about marriage people never told me

Today I felt like shitty shit fuck.
I didn't sleep at all last night, due to chest pains.
Fun times.

This morning my mom and Kayla were watching my kids and I went to lay down.
Dave decided to join me.
Oh boy!
I guess his coffee kicked in at that exact moment, because he wouldn't shut up.
He LOVES smack talking...and I was getting annoyed.
He kept trying to stick his finger in my mouth, which I found disgusting, so of course he wanted to do that even more!
I screamed at him "LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TOUCHING ME!!!! STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED!!! SHUT UP!! NO TOUCHIE!!!"

He then replied,"Yeah, those were your wedding vows". I agreed!
He told me "Hey, you married this!!! (pointing to himself)
I answered "Begrudgingly!!!".
He said "Our imaginary wedding invitations should have said- You are cordially invited to witness David drag Miss Beana down the aisle by her hair. Wear sneakers in case the bride tries to make a run for it!"
after I laughed and agreed-

I told him to shut up. Leave me alone! Don't touch me! And stay on his side of the bed!!!


These are just some of the things people never told me about marriage.


Kisses Bitches!

Quickie

A quickie- no, not sex sadly. Ha ha.
Just a quick update:
My dad is on a long list of people getting laid off this year. When? We have no clue! But It's gonna happen. I'm urging him to take early retirement- but he's very stubborn.
Oh and he broke his friend's nose, in a fight, with his head! Totally broke it! And now his friend needs surgery!  Now we have to pay his medical bills. Oh BOY!
His boss is sending him for anger management, hilarious but a bit too late in my opinion.
So things have been mighty stressful here in "Camp crazy nut house" ( meaning my home). My kids have been on vacation this week, and I've never missed school more! I've been having mini nervous breakdowns during the week. Plus both my kids have been abusing me AND loving me. Is this what they mean by tough love????
"I love you! I hate you! No, I love you!" Make up your minds!!!!
I'm thinking of cutting my hair short again, just to spite my son. So that he can't rip out chunks of my hair anymore!!! "Owwwwie" My scalp is on fire!
I'm so slept deprived, Dave said I was crabby (so was he obviously- from lack of sleep), while I had a wet pee pee diaper in my hand. BAD IDEA! I was about to throw it away, but I had a WAY better idea- instead I threw it (the CLOSED pee pee diaper) at his face! We both laughed!!! And then tried to hit each other with the dirty diaper!

Yeah, that's lack of sleep for you. These are the ways we take out our aggression on each other.

Kisses Bitches!!!