More things about marriage everyone should know

I've learned that across the board- men keep women from sleeping.
How you ask?
Let me tell you.

Every single night whether it be 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. if my husband sees that I have opened my eyes even a smidgen he'll start yapping his mouth away at every single thought that been going through his mind the past five minutes, or the past five years!
And there's no way to stop this yap train! Because I'm in bed and really exhausted from a full days work with my kids and family. He knows I cannot run, or even get my fat ass up out of the bed- to get away from the yap attack, to get some much needed sleep!

I asked some of my girlfriends about this, and their husbands do the EXACT same thing!!!

See the stereotype is ALL WRONG!!!! It's not the woman that yaps away the day and night- it's the MAN!!!

Dave tried to do that this morning- no I wasn't trying to go to sleep but I was tired and watching Levi play, while TRYING to stay awake and alert.
He starts showing me the things he's learned on the Internet and everything else on his mind, including his to-do list for the day.
I felt like my mind was being flung out the window.
I finally yelled "STOP!!!! You are sucking the life out of me!!!"
He looked shocked.
Of course, I realized I just MIGHT have been a tad too harsh and of course apologized.
He knew I was kidding...kinda.
But he saw my apology as a chance to continue talking...which was a no-no.
I FORCED him to go get some rest, in the bedroom. While I stayed in the living room watching Levi.

Oy Vey!
Hey- to all the guys out there!!!! Stop your yapping when you see we are exhausted.
We might just end up smacking you in the back of your head!

Kisses Bitches!

More differences between men and women

Example-

I asked Dave over and over again-
while he was on the Netflix menu on Kayla's PlayStation 3-
while he was scrolling through the list of shitty movies on instant play

Please, please please- go to the list of TV shows!
Over and over again-
Until I lost it and said to him
"If you don't go the the TV menu soon, I will punch you in the balls!"

To which to then looked at my mom and asked her if I talked like this to everyone?

My mom answered "YES!"

I really don't know exactly what my point was-
but I thought this was funny-
and very typical.

Women- first comes polite questions- then comes violence!

Men- Violence first- questions later???

Maybe.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*I enjoy this photo- it makes me laugh.
But I actually don't have a problem with breakfast in bed- I do that for my family a lot-
so then they are AWAKE and have no excuse to not come in the living room afterwards and help me with the kids!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

More differences between men and women

Despite the obvious, of course.
I realize when Dave and I are joking around- which is all the time, how different men and women are- and how thankful I am for this. Humor is a big big deal to me- without it there is no point- to ANYTHING.
Especially living such stressful lives like we do- the ability to laugh- is so important.
Dave and I say weird things to each other all the time- like when someone says "what's up?' we think it's funny, to follow it up with "mah dick". I know- we're children- but it's funny you gotta admit.
Also the way we do things-whenever I have a free minute, I usually start straightening up the house, or start preparing dinner, or put the kids toys away, or watch T.V.
When Dave has a free minute- he starts sketching, going on the computer, he does things he enjoys. I usually do this last.
The way we deal with stress is different. For example the first year of both my kids lives- Dave went completely bat shit fucking nuts. Totally insane. Was a rage infected monkey as far as I'm concerned. I just mostly cried, sucked it up and took care of what needed to be done. My kids' therapies, doctor's appointments, cleaning, cooking.
We all tried our best to stay out of Dave's way. Yeah he's totally scary during the first year. I have told him, I'm going to have him sign a contract in blood that this will never ever happen again. But I bet it won't make a difference. That first year is always really fucking tough. No one has any clue- how hard it is.
It's best explained in a line from the movie Men In Black:

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Therefore-Dave never got used to it, each and every time he had a psychotic episode.
I don't know why it even happens. But I wish it didn't.
Another difference. When I was in the hospital, in the eating disorder clinic in New Jersey, my ex-girl, cleaned the entire apartment, and made everything pretty. She even covered the bottom of the sink with this frilly stuff. I came home- and was shocked- I didn't even know they had frilly stuff to cover the sink with?! Not that I would have even done that myself. I'm a girl and all- to a point. I like dresses, fancy dinners, etc. But I'm not really into flowers or jewelry or cuddling. Sometimes I cuddle- like I hug Dave- and I'm like- oh yea this is what it feels like. But no cuddling after...you know. That's just WAY too girlie.
When I went away with my family for vacation, many years ago, and Dave stayed in the apartment alone with my old dog. Well I came back to chaos! He didn't shave, or even clean. He actually had gone completely crazy. Yep- straight up fucking crazy. He ended up playing the horror game Silent Hill, and "to save electricity" didn't turn on any lights or anything- FOR SEVEN DAYS. He got freaked out by the game, and walked around the house- get this- naked and with a knife. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I should have known a long fucking time ago- my man was FUCKING crazy!!!! FOR REAL!
Also sex...I'm not going into details because that's really fucking TACKY.
But it's just so much quicker with a guy and that just really really works for my schedule. Especially with kids. I have NO clue how lesbians with kids ever have time to have sex. EVER.
It's just a way longer process- plus there's a lot of emotions- yada yada yada. And then there's cuddling. And holding each other through the night. YEAH- it's a lot.
I learned I don't like all the holding- and and the cuddling. And I'm not saying anything bad about my ex-girl, one of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She's is an absolutely wonderful, caring, loving person. And I wish her the best in life and that only magical, amazing things happen for her.

But after living together- I realized..living with a woman is HARD! There's too much emotions, and feelings and shit. And truthfully- I just can't handle it. Dave always says- I'm way more of a man.

He's my wife after all, he sews, bakes, loves shopping, the list goes on and on.

He says to me. "Who's the man?!" And I answer "I'm the MAN!" and we laugh!

And it's so crazy, because in a female relationship- I'm always the girlie girl, never the butch. I know this is so strange. I never wanted to be a man. I love myself the way I am- female and all. I just don't play the role all too well.

But to Dave I'm perfect, and that's what matters right? I mean, he's psychotic, but he still thinks I'm perfect. That's all I need to know.

Like yesterday- he wasn't cooking the steak the way I like- and he was being stubborn. So I yell out of frustration- "YOU STUPID!"- not "you ARE stupid"- or anything. He knew it was a joke- and to us it's pretty fucking hilarious.

Also the way the house smells is different. When you're with a woman, the house smells nice- like perfume. When you're with a man, it mainly smells of what Dave and I call "Armpit-balls-ass-foot" scent. Yeah, men are stinky- especially after marriage- the constant farting and such. Don't even play like you're not, when you KNOW you are.

I never had to tell my ex-girl, "Go take a shower!" Not ever! But my husband- Multiple times!

But I deal. I just spray the house a lot with nice scents- so I don't go crazy. I have an acute sense of smell, after having my daughter 3 years ago. I can smell Popeye's fried chicken, like 5 blocks away! Yeah- I'm a bit hardcore like that. So smell is really really important to me.

In the end I realize- living with a man is difficult- but living with a woman- even more difficult. At least to me anyways.

And I like- easy. I'm just an easy kinda gal...wait that doesn't sound right. Well you know what I mean, don't you?

Thanks for listening- I hope you had a laugh or a few.

Kisses Bitches!!!