Pink hair!!!

The other day my very cool and talented hairstylist mama friend, came to my house to color my sister's and my hair.
I've been doing my own hair for so long. And every six months or so, I'd get my hair professionally cut, but I could never afford to get my hair professionally colored.
One of my mama clan members, is a hairstylist- she has purple and blue hair.
She is FUCK AWESOME!
And she came over in the evening and spent nearly 5 hours doing my hair.
My hair was so resistant to bleach.
I've said many times before- white girl hair products do not work on my hair, only ethnic products are strong enough. I have afro hair- and that okay with me. At least now it is, when I was younger ALL I ever wanted was "white girl hair".
You know- that silky straight hair that glows in sunlight- like an old Prell shampoo commercial.
Yeah- I know that ain't gonna happen for me- so I might as well embrace my afro hair.
Though now it's a cotton candy pink colored afro!
Wooohooo!
I've always wanted this hair color but never could do it myself.
My mama got to meet my daughter, and she was awesome with her.
This made me so happy to have company over and to be able to get my hair done.
I was super tired though- and had been for three days- exhausted not just tired.
I was trying caffeine but that didn't even make a dent!
Then yesterday the same thing happened- I was yawning and felt in a haze, while "my twin" ( one of my dearest friends) came over to visit- that I wasn't really awake or in the moment.
I can't seem to really "feel".
I can't feel anything, I think I'm numb.
I've been so angry and resentful for so long- I now feel nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy my friend came over, but I couldn't really FEEL happy- you know what I'm saying?
I know this is due to me being bipolar- but it also has to do with the huge amount of stress I'm under daily.
Levi spent most of the day tantruming yesterday and almost got a handful of my hair- I caught him in time, he had a grip on a chunk of my hair- before he could run away with it- I got him to loosen his grip, somehow.
He also banged his head really hard against my clavicle.
I have to hold him so that he doesn't break his skull open on the floor, or table or chairs. Even if that means getting beat up by him in the process.
Plus he was up all night long last night.
I'm so tired, even though Dave was handling the night shift.
I feel like I'm daydreaming- or that I haven't woken up yet from slumber.
Like things aren't real somehow- my life isn't really happening.
And no medication or anyone can change that feeling.
I'm just trying to feel even an ounce of happiness every day.
Whether it be from my kids giggling, or seeing my mama clan at Levi's school.

Sorry I'm kind of rambling at this point.
I just want to truly FEEL something, ya know?

Anywhoo-
Kisses Bitches!!!

This is a photo of my hair

Last night...

I finally lost my virginity.
Nah- That's a fucking LIE!

I thought it was a great way to start this blog though.
It got your attention, and I'm SURE you're very confused right now.
Just the way I like you!!!CONFUSED.

Last night was the first night in about 4 MONTHS that I went out on the town- at night- in the city!
You all know- I have heart "issues", so Dave kept threatening me- that if I wasn't well enough we wouldn't go out, and end up staying home.
At this point I didn't care if my heart fell out of my body and onto the floor.
FUCK THAT SHIT!
I was going out to see my friends perform.
I took aspirin earlier in the day- because in the morning my heart wasn't doing too well.
I was really getting to my breaking point with everyone and the constant upkeep of the house.
Cleaning up after seven people- 2 of which are really crazy kids- it's nearly impossible.
And really taking a toll on me.
I was putting clean clothes away, and straightening up our bedroom while Dave was sleeping.
I hadn't slept well in a few days, so getting agitated wasn't exactly difficult.
I was arguing with Dave, basically waking him up- when he fucking LOST it.
BTW the night before I got into a fight with both my sister and Dave because they weren't helping me enough with the house.
I told them, "You don't want me to have a heart attack- then FUCKING DO SOMETHING!"
Meaning cleaning the house, chores and such.
They understood, and felt badly that I was working so hard. That night they cleaned the living room. That made me so happy!
They promised that from that point forward they would do everything.
LIES! LIES! LIES!
Back to the story-
Dave lost it, started SCREAMING at me, slammed the bedroom door shut so hard that the door lock shot off the fucking door knob!
He was telling me to sit down and shut up and to stop cleaning. That he would do it.
I just stared at him- at his rage attack- and I don't know why- this totally proves how fucking insane I am- because in the FUCKING FACE of death- by Dave's hands- instead of being scared- I started hysterically laughing.
Again, I have no clue why. But I found this whole situation so freaking funny!
I couldn't stop laughing...at David screaming.
This of course made him more and more angry.
Obviously- he didn't kill me, or hurt me. I'm still here.
And he never ever wants me to die- that was the whole point of his rage attack.
But man- that look in his eye was that he was gonna fucking kill me and all I could do was laugh! Not forcing myself to laugh- that would be SO stupid! But really honestly laughing and I couldn't stop.
I really think something is wrong with me.
Dave always tells me, that I'm the one fucking crazy chick that would go face to face and provoke a massive angry guy ready to kick my ass.
I do have one set of fucking balls I know this- because every time I'm close to death- I just get in the person's face- because I'm scrappy. You never ever know what a scrappy crazy bitch is gonna do, that's for sure!
After my laugh attack. I was angry at Dave for the fight.
Not that I hadn't started it. But I have major issues with his temper obviously.
He then started folding clean laundry, I sat down next to him and he then told me, all teary eyed and trying not to cry (Dave is just like me in that we HATE showing vulnerability- especially crying!!!), that he had just had a nightmare that I was cleaning and yelling- and then died, right there on the floor of a heart attack.
Right then and there- I stopped being mad. I saw why he was so upset.
Because his nightmare was coming true, and he didn't want me to die.
I am Dave's best friend, besides being his wife.
I know, he would not be able to function, if I died- when I die.

We then got ready to go out, into the city, to see a few very close friends of mine perform.
Because of my health, and having two autistic kids- going out at night- ain't easy!
I had planned this a month ago, when I first found out about the concert/ CD release party.
My mom and sister watched my babies while Dave and I went out.
We ended up going out to dinner, a great Japanese food restaurant right next to Pomme Frites (on 7th street and 2nd ave.) I had the very best ramen I've ever had in my entire life.
Dave drank both his and my drink with dinner.
I wasn't planning on drinking for obvious reasons, but I did want a taste!
Afterwards we walked to the first of my friends performances, at Recoup Lounge.
Nea Phyte (neaphyte.com)! I suggest you all check her out!
I love her!!! We go way back! We worked together on photo shoots for a long time, sometimes me being the model, sometimes me being the hairstylist.
We always had a great time! She's a creative genius!
Dave was totally wasted after dinner, and it was only 7:30 p.m!!!
He was shouting while thinking he was whispering, scaring all the chicken heads in the area (A DEFINITE PLUS!!!), saying things like: exact words-"I'm smooth! I'm as smooth as a Butter Dick!"
I had no idea what he was talking about- or even to- at this point.
We got to the lounge (which I remembered back in my lesbian days- it was a lesbian club and they had a wicked 80s night every Friday- oh yea with a stripper pole attached to the bar!!). When I mentioned this to Dave, about the stripper pole attached to the bar. He replied with "Wow. That's technology!!!" See??? What the hell was he talking about??! Robot Strippers or something??
Back to the story.
I took some photos of her performing, she was brilliant!
Dave still was suffering from a cough- and decided to self-medicate. He took both adult cough medicine, adderal (an upper), with aspirin ( you know- so that HE doesn't DIE!) with a Corona. Good job, Dave. Good job!!!
I threatened him, I was gonna send him home. If he dropped, I couldn't pick him off the floor by myself. NO WAY!
He begged, that we continue our night out and that he was having a GREAT TIME!
Oy Vey!
Nea's friends gave us a lift to nearby Arlene's Grocery (where my other friends were playing- the band JSE!!! http://www.myspace.com/thejsenyc)
Dave was leading me- the wrong fucking way- because I was stupid enough to follow a drunk.
Luckily I asked a chick- for directions.
We arrived at Arlene's Grocery- and that's when the night really became magical for me.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Nea's performance, but the place Recoup- was not cool enough, in my opinion, for my great friend, Nea, to perform, she needs a stadium and a great sound system to back her beautiful vocals up!
Dave had yet another drink...or two or three.
I had my first and LAST drink- and it sucked. REALLY?! How do you mess up a vodka and tonic??? It's so simple! That's why I ordered it!!!
Again, I'm getting off topic.
It was finally time for my friends, to perform on stage.
And they BLEW everyone AWAY!!!!
Dave was so shocked. He hadn't heard their music before.
Youtube videos and mp3s didn't do them justice!!! At all!!!
The whole time I'm thinking how much, I would love to manage this band. How both Nea and JSE should be famous! Are definitely talented and attractive enough to "make it" in the business. Plus they are good people!!!!
How many talented people- are GOOD PEOPLE??!!! AND FAMOUS?!
Not many at all!
I thought about my days, talking to music producers and hanging out at Sony music studios (Shout out to NADINE!!! I miss YOU!).
I thought about how amazing their music would sound on CD if it was recorded in a state of the art music studio.
ARGH!!!
But time ( being a busy- barely sane- mom) and health problems (physical and being bipolar obviously) keep me at bay.
I hope my friends make it big. They deserve it!!!
My girl, Natalia, sings in the band- and her stage presence is undeniable.
She's so confident and beautiful on stage.
Jay- lead guitarist- is a magician with the guitar! As well as having a great voice.
The drummer- is THE BEST drummer I've ever heard perform. Really incredible!
Two bass players, performed last night in the band- Nappy (the coolest name ever, right?! Real Name!)
And Joseph Haines- who dressed like he was from the movie Scarface! Also brilliant on Bass!
And guest singer Robert Bermudez Cordell. When him and Natalia sang together- it was simply magic.

That's enough of me praising people- remember I hate being nice ;)

So enough of this blog post already- it needs to end. I mean who likes to read anyways, huh?!
Play that funky music, White Boy!!!


Kisses Bitches!!!
ROCK OUT with your cock out!!!

* photo I took of Dave and I outside last night, in the rainy shitty weather.
He as you could tell, was already wasted.
a quote from Dave last night "I feel like one of the fucking penguins from (the movie)Happy Feet!
When all other leave- WE REMAIN!!! When the sun vanishes from the sky- WE REMAIN."

One of the very best days!!!!

This morning started like every other morning before it,
I was tired and half-awake, woken up by my son crying in his crib- right next to my bed.
After having breakfast I saw the perfect opportunity to cut Levi's hair.
I sat him in his highchair, and went to work.
He was SURPRISINGLY GREAT and quite calm during the whole process. I praised him the entire time!
Especially compared to the last time I cut his hair and he screamed bloody murder through the entire haircut.
Levi had ABA therapy at home, towards the end of the session, I got on facebook very quickly (like I always do- I am ADDICTED to facebook).
And saw my old friend was online, one I met way back when (around 2003-2004 to be exact). When I was in the hospital (one of the many times) for my eating disorders.
She was also bipolar- and we bonded right away.
She understood me, unlike anyone ever had.
She went off the grid for awhile, the whole time I thought she was dead.
Us, bipolars- we don't get a lot of "happy endings".
Mostly they end in tragedy, sad to say.
I thought the worst had happened, especially since we were SO much alike.
I was sad for many many years, and always thought of her.

Well  thanks to facebook and some faith- I found her!!!
We talked, for the first time in years, this morning.
I almost cried- because it was so emotional for me.
Just talking to her for almost an hour, she still understood me better than anyone.
I was SO happy to have found her.
I cried when telling my sister and Dave that I spoke to her and how much it affected me.
You know who you are- and if you are reading this- I love you with all my heart chickie. You freakin "get" me, ya know?!

After that I went with Levi to school for his second day.
I met other mothers there! Mothers with kids similar to mine!
We talked for almost TWO whole HOURS!
They understood the things I go through with my kids, and it was the first time ever- I really could relate to another mother, ever!
We even talked about "what's wrong with our husbands!"
I love that talk- wives really bond during this conversation.
And believe me, if or when my husband has a similar talk with his friends about their wives-
He could talk FOR HOURS- maybe even days with things that are wrong with me. Hello- I'm bipolar.
If you have a complaint about me- well...
Then GET IN LINE!
All their kids, went to the same school as Levi- at the same time!

I met all their kids, they were all SO beautiful and lovable.
On the ride home with Levi on the school bus- I thought about what a fantastic day today was. It was completely meant to be that I moved to Brooklyn.
I believe this now with everything I have.

On the ride home,
Levi fell asleep.
This is a photo from today- him sleeping with Kayla's Sonic hat (yup- I bought it for her for Christmas- and Lee borrowed it) over his eyes.

So far so good!!!

I feel blessed and very lucky.
Of course, that feeling might change later in the day- because I am bipolar after all. Emotions change from minute to minute, second to second.


Kisses Bitches!!!

You can find me on facebook, under The bipolar bible.
I'd love to hear from you!