Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

Quickie

A quickie- no, not sex sadly. Ha ha.
Just a quick update:
My dad is on a long list of people getting laid off this year. When? We have no clue! But It's gonna happen. I'm urging him to take early retirement- but he's very stubborn.
Oh and he broke his friend's nose, in a fight, with his head! Totally broke it! And now his friend needs surgery!  Now we have to pay his medical bills. Oh BOY!
His boss is sending him for anger management, hilarious but a bit too late in my opinion.
So things have been mighty stressful here in "Camp crazy nut house" ( meaning my home). My kids have been on vacation this week, and I've never missed school more! I've been having mini nervous breakdowns during the week. Plus both my kids have been abusing me AND loving me. Is this what they mean by tough love????
"I love you! I hate you! No, I love you!" Make up your minds!!!!
I'm thinking of cutting my hair short again, just to spite my son. So that he can't rip out chunks of my hair anymore!!! "Owwwwie" My scalp is on fire!
I'm so slept deprived, Dave said I was crabby (so was he obviously- from lack of sleep), while I had a wet pee pee diaper in my hand. BAD IDEA! I was about to throw it away, but I had a WAY better idea- instead I threw it (the CLOSED pee pee diaper) at his face! We both laughed!!! And then tried to hit each other with the dirty diaper!

Yeah, that's lack of sleep for you. These are the ways we take out our aggression on each other.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Short little story

My sis reminded me, that a long time ago, I had a T-shirt that read "I did Britney Spears Three times" ( I got this shirt from the "reject box" on the street).
I was in the Halloween store, wearing the t-short of course, when a guy asked me "So, how was she in bed?" My very manic reply "I had to teach her EVERYTHING". With a wink of course.
I'm sorry Britney- I don't mean to tarnish your reputation in any way. I only wish I did you three times. I only wish :'(


Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forget tomorrow, Today is where the madness lies

Yesterday was a nightmare, and today ain't looking too good either.
I spoke to a nurse yesterday, I had called the doctor earlier and a nurse called me back instead.
The nurse was one of the dumbest people I've ever spoken to before,
and that's saying A LOT!
A few clips from our ridiculous conversation:
She told me, "There's nothing the doctor can do about the size of my thyroid."

YEAH DUH! I realize he can't do magic! But how do we treat it?
"There's nothing we can do."
Uh seriously?! I called him because he TOLD ME TO CALL if I felt WORSE than before.  And surprise! I do!
Plus I have a few questions for him.
"Well, what are your symptoms?"
I feel out of breath, extremely tired and horrible pain in my joints.
"Have you felt this before?"
Yeah, I've suffered from thyroid problems for over tens years, YES I've experienced this BEFORE!
"Yeah, but have you experienced this before?"
Are you serious?! I just told you YES I HAVE!!
"Well your symptoms have nothing to do with your thyroid."
Uh, I beg to differ. They HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY THYROID!

This went on forever. She's a fucking moron!
I was SO pissed off after the conversation. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Dave had come home early, from taking Violet to the dentist.
I found out she tore the waiting room apart- literally!
Ripped their plants apart, ripped tags off the chairs, jumped off the couches, tantrumed and screamed her head off!!!
So much so that another older patient in a wheelchair was terrified of her, starting screaming trying to roll himself away from her!
YEAH THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!
Dave couldn't handle her anymore and postponed the appointment.

I was upset, obviously at the way Violet reacted and also that she never got to see the dentist.
I've taken Violet by myself to so many doctor appointments, back when we lived in Manhattan. And she was a tyrant then too! But I made sure the doctor got to see her.
And I did it all by myself.

So I was really agitated yesterday.
I finally got a call from my doctor- not the nurse. The very first thing I said to him was
"Never ever ever make me talk to that nurse ever again!"
He seemed confused, and he was in the middle of eating, he asked "why?"
I answered "because I felt like I was being cranked. She's an idiot and really pissed me off."
I gave him examples of our conversation. All he said was "Oh. Okay."
We had a long talk about my thyroid.
He said that even though my blood tests were negative. I have an auto-immune disease.
Which one, he's not sure of.
But it's extremely rare for a female my age, to have such a small, under active thyroid without some type of auto immune disease causing it.
It's also very rare that I should be feeling this horrible on such a high dose of thyroid medication.
I told him, "You don't know me yet, but I promise you, you will see that everything extremely rare- happens to me. I'm a medical oddity, and have been told this many many times by many many doctors."
I asked him, if it's still possible that I have Lupus since I have all the symptoms including hair loss. He said it is possible, even though the tests are negative.

Right now my hair is falling out again, by itself. Levi's grabby hands don't help the matter. Plus I've been bruising really easily. Abnormally easily.
But as I've come to realize, everything about me is abnormal.
Lovely.

The doctor also said that if he ups my medication, I will have a heart attack!
So I'm going in next week, 3 weeks early, for another blood test.
So that I can SHOW HIM PROOF, how low my thyroid is right now.
I mentioned that, we had talked about the possible heart damage my thyroid has caused.
I asked him to recommend a heart doctor, in the same hospital, that he will work together with on my case, since I do have heart problems.

More doctors appointments, more craziness to come.

I felt so stressed yesterday, my back was killing me.
I was about to have a nervous fucking breakdown!!!
Money problems AND health problems galore!!!
I just can't take much more!!!

Just thought I should vent about this before it was purposely erased from my memory.
Levi had fever last night, but I thought it broke because he woke up drenched in sweat!
Well I was wrong, this morning- he woke up yet again with a high fever and the left side of his neck is swollen like a baseball!

I've been calling the doctor, but her office isn't open yet.
So I guess back to the doctor, we go.
And I was really looking forward to going to Lee's school and seeing my mama clan!
I'm exhausted and it's only 9 A.M!!!!

Kisses Bitches!
PLEASE let blessings come my way! I desperately need them!

Yet Another day spent dazed and confused

Let's play catch-up:
Both my kids have several new doctors and new doctor appointments- with specialist that specifically only deal with kids with special needs.
We went for our first visit Thursday- and it was the very best doctors visit we've ever had!!! They were so kind and understanding- they didn't rush us along, for the next patient. We spent THREE HOURS there! Plus they got us transportation to and fro.
AWESOME!
The doctor said that Violet's cyst on her neck might be from her thyroid and it will probably need to be biopsied. But first they will need a sonogram done.
I am not looking forward to this. I'm trying not to think about all the possible outcomes. I don't want to worry myself sick. I'm sick enough already.
My son did get his very first vaccination shot ever that day.
Not several at once, like all the doctors previously had wanted.
One shot- single dose. After that we will be coming back every week, or every other week for the next shot until we are caught up.
Levi did have a bad reaction, I knew it would happen, sadly. He had fever until Monday and has been even crankier than ever before!
I didn't even think it was possible!!!
He's grabbed so many chunks of my hair, I lost count.
And no, wearing a hat or scarf, doesn't make a difference.
My scalp is so sore from all the pulling!
Plus he's been banging his head like there's no tomorrow!
I worry for my son and his precious big ol' head.
I'm FRIED!

My thyroid is really fucking low! My bones hurt so badly. I feel like my body is falling apart.
I spoke to my doctor and he said if I still feel this way by Tuesday, he'll up my thyroid medication, eventhough it's ridiculously high as it is.
I swear I'm some kind of mutant! But without all the cool superhero powers!

Saturday- during the the day, in front of my apartment- a group of stupid teenage boys stopped to purposely point and laugh at me. Because I looked different (faux 80s pink mohawk).
I was shocked!!

Seriously! How ignorant are the people in my neighborhood? They are racist and homophobic! It's a nightmare! I can't stand them! We have nothing in common. I'm basically in hicksville.
In manhattan, no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I never thought I'd think of that as a plus!
But now I miss the city- MY CITY- more than ever before!
I fear for my kids growing up in this stuck up, stupid, ignorant neighborhood.
I was really caught off guard by those idiot boys. I used to get bullied all the time in school, but I was a kid- I mean, young kids are dumb, that's a given. But in adulthood?
It's digusting.
And I know, these dumbass boys will never leave Brooklyn, or even their neighborhood, when they get older. Because I know they'll never really "grow up".
It's pathetic, and strangely satisifying, to know this fact.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with some friends, and had a good time.
I couldn't eat and drink- as much as I would've liked to.
I didn't want to change the good mojo of the dinner, by telling them how physically ill I felt from my thyroid. And that my entire body was throbbing in pain, including my stomach.
I didn't care that I felt so horrible, because the time I got to spend with my friends, was priceless.

Sunday- I took my kids to Toy R' Us.
I took my mom and sister with me too.
It's nice to get my mom out of the house, and get some fresh air.
She has always loved toy shopping since I was a wee little one.
Violet wanted to take the entire store home, and Levi couldn't care less.
In fact he screamed most of the time- wanting to leave the toy store and go home.
Levi was still cranky from the shot he got on Thursday.
Later that night- he ripped out my hair, tore off my glasses which got caught on my nose piercing and almost ripped it out of my nose.
My nose was bleeding, my scalp hurt and I was a MESS! A hot mess!

Monday I went to the city for the ultrasound of my thyroid.
It was done three times! Because all the doctors couldn't believe what they saw.
I was freaked.
Apparently my thyroid is RIDICULOUSLY small. Abnormally small.
Which explains why I feel so sick and tired all the time.
The can't figure out WHY it's so small though.
I might have an auto immune disease that makes my immune system attack my thyroid for years until it becomes too small and very underactive.
Oh fucking joy!
But that's only one possibility.
I haven't heard from my doctor yet, as to what the other possibilities are and what are my options to treat it.
On another note-
My mom was told yesterday that April 29th, at the end of THIS MONTH, will be her very last day of work with the company.
So much is going on right now with my family. I can't wait for things to look up!

On yet another note-
I will be talking about in my upcoming blogs- how ridiculous the things we find appealing in our society actually are.
I'm bringing back an old movement of mine- that I believe deserves a come back- and another look at.
My Anti-Cool Revolution.
Totally worth it. And very ridiculously uncool of me :)

Kisses Bitches,
That's all for now!
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

P.S. Today Violet has her first ever dentist appointment, I hope I don't lose any fingers!!!

News!

I have an appointment with a brand new heart doctor, Feb. 1st, and he specializes in the area of cardiology, I need!! Woohoo!
I saw a photo of him, he creeps me out a bit.
Then again, all doctors at this point and time give me the creeps.
I was looking for a female doctor- but with no luck.
So I swallowed my fear...pushed it way way way down- deep deep deep inside.
Hopefully I won't freak out in the office.
I noticed recently that I start getting really really irritated right before- my heart starts acting up.
Now I know what you're going to say- no it's not my temper that's creating the heart problems.
I feel like it's my only warning sign- that I need to sit down.
I'm thankful that there is a warning sign.
Now this of course doesn't happen, when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, or when I'm relaxing in a bath- it comes on when it wants- wherever it FUCKING wants.
But I notice- if I'm say cooking breakfast and washing the dishes (at the same time), while straightening up the kitchen...(Like I did this VERY MORNING)
and I start getting angry out of nowhere- really really upset- furious even-
When I have time to think, hey what exactly am I angry about???
My heart will start to beat irregular- or suddenly stop.
I won't be able to breathe very well- or even comfortably.
Just then I realized that my anger- was a sign.
Of course when I get upset my heart will start racing.
Like this morning- when my dad decided to have a ridiculous argument with me about recycling boxes!
He wanted to throw them out- and all I wanted to do was CUT THEM UP first!
But he started freaking out and screaming- leading to me screaming at how fucking insane he is.
Then screaming at my mom, because she just let him scream and curse everyone out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. SO MUCH.
And that's probably a huge reason why I get angry that she lets him treat her like crap.
He just an angry child!
And I still love him- because he's my father. ARGH!
Sometimes I wish I could just let go of my love for him and give up on him.
But I can't.
FUCK!
I spent about 5 hours cleaning the house, washing, sweeping, throwing out the garbage, scrubbing, etc etc etc.
That's how I deal with my anger.
Though this time- if ever, hopefully not, I have a near fatal heart attack- I WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
I know, this will relieve a lot of my friends, who care about me. And THANK YOU for your concern. I LOVE you all.
I realized I was being ridiculous. My fear of hospitals IS BASED on near-death experiences- but I could totally understand if my kids never forgave me for not going to the hospital, if I ended up dying here in our home.
I hear recently that someone I (kinda) knew- or at least knew about- died on the way to the hospital, after being sick for quite awhile.

I won't let that happen to me.
At least I will try.
This morning's little heart issue- went away- and wasn't at all a big deal, compared to a few days ago.

That night- I just laid in bed, I don't plan on dying with regrets.
I used to regret everything I did when I was manic, and have nightmares, and beat myself up about it.
Not as much now. It made me who I am.

But if I had died that day, I realized I would regret not having written my book.
And not having told my kids, the life I lead, the experiences- good and bad- that happened to me.
I want them to know all about me- and have that book to go to- if and when I pass away.

I'm going to write my damn book already, even if I'm writing in a hospital bed!
This I swear not to you- but to myself- for myself.

That being said-
I'll sign off now.
Kisses Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember NO REGRETS!!!

*photo of me when I was about 2 years old.
I plan on having lots of photos on my book!!! This might be one of them.
I feel photos help tell a story- plus I'm a very visual person.

Big Apple Comic Con 2009

This is a photo of my daughter, my son (4 months old and a little hidden in the front seat) and myself, at the 2009 Big Apple ComicCon.
For those of you who don't know what that is- that's where geeks like me dress in our favorite character's costumes and get together at an enormous place filled with video games, comics and all kind of brand new nerd gear. It's such a blast. I've gone to many since my sister brought this wonderful event to my attention. Dave, my sister and I usually go dressed all up in costumes, and this past year's was the first I bought my kids to. They actually had a fantastic time, though my son, Levi slept through most of it.
This photo was taken by a photographer from Yahoo. Just so you know- my daughter rarely ever smiles for cameras- partly due to her being autistic, the other part just being herself.
Since this photo was taken it's been posted on yahoonews, wall street journal, blogs...and this random blog- that I will not give publicity to.
This photo was shown and underneath is probably one of the most stupid commentaries I've ever heard-
Here's exactly what was written- all of it:

"Here we have a mother and her son dressed up in super hero costumes for the “Big Apple Comic-Con.” If you don’t know what that is, well, neither do I, and there is nothing in the WSJ that gives us a clue. And it is probably besides the point anyway. But what is the point? The picture seems to lack any real drama. The costumes seem altogether out of place—notice that no one around them seems to be in costume—and thus direct attention to the one thing that stands out: facial expressions. The mother, whose face is partially veiled by glasses and hair, smiles possessively at her child who in turn stares at the camera with what can only be described as a measure of both skepticism and resignation."
This is so funny!
There are so many corrections that need to be done-
First- that's my daughter, NOT my son- just because she has short hair, doesn't make her a boy- asshole.
Second- he doesn't know what comic con is??? Look it up!!!You have a computer right in front of you!!! What an asshole! (and he's a professor of rhetoric and public culture!!!)
Third- Almost everyone there shows up in costumes- except of course the workers- like security and salespeople. Again- what an idiot!
Fourth- This photo isn't "making a point" or even needs a reason- it's just a sweet photo of my kids and me.
Fifth- My daughter almost never smiles in photos- so really? She has a look of skepticism and resignation??? REALLY?!
Sixth- and funniest of all- I looked at my daughter possessively???? Ah, no dickface- I was looking at my daughter with LOVE, like I always do- and it's probably something you know little to nothing about.
I'm guessing the "writer" has no children...or heart.

This made Dave and I laugh- because it was ridiculous and totally wasn't researched one bit.
Anyways that's my rant of the day.
Happy 4th of July!!

Kisses bitches!