Nervous Breakdown here I come!

Don't worry this will be like number 500 for nervous breakdowns.
A lot is happening right now.
- both my kids might have a chronic disease, affecting their lungs and health for the rest of their lives- due to our old mold infested apartment.
- my mom's last day of work is at the end of the month.
- my dad's losing his mind- a little more every single day. Plus there's a chance he might have prostate cancer. We're waiting to hear the results from his doctor.
-I found out I have an auto-immune disease, which is probably Lupus.
(Sounds like a Dr. House joke, right? "It's not LUPUS!" But actually it seems it is).
My hair has started falling out again. And no, coloring it, didn't make a difference. This would've happened regardless. My scalp hurts so badly. And Dave keeps asking to buzz my hair off again. I think he's buzzer happy! Seriously! He just buzzed his own hair off, and now he's after mine.
Not that I have anything against buzzing my hair- I've gonna completely bald once every year for the past SEVEN years. There's noting I haven't done to my hair, or pretty much in my life, in general. Hahahahaha!
-Plus we have money woes a plenty.

Fun times, right?
My friend told me, this means blessings are coming our way.
I truly hope she's right.
I few days ago, I was spiraling, not able to see any light, or silver lining.
I'm still depressed, but I'm able to smile occasionally. Of course my kids always make me laugh.

This past weekend was misery.
Violet was so hyper and violent. Not a good combination at all.
Now she's sick with fever, and not really eating.
Lee had fever too, but he's eating a little.
I feel like crap and really really exhausted all the time, even though Dave's given me lots of time to rest.
It's frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I'm actually happy, my mom is gonna stop working. Despite our money woes.
I know she'll finally be happy, and not miserable going to work anymore.
All I want is my family to be happy and healthy-
both things seem very hard to come by lately.

Plus I worry, I don't want to end up back at the food pantry and soup kitchens.
That was serious hardship, especially with my kids.
There's nothing more, you want as a parent, but to be able to have a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table to eat.
Both of which, I wasn't able to provide, not more than a year ago.
Our lives changed once we left that miserable, evil apartment.
I still have nightmares about our old place.
It was seriously like the movie 1408!
Did you know that a week after we left- there was a flood!!! Coming from my apartment!!! Even though NO ONE WAS THERE!
Yeah- totally fucking creepy.
I'm so glad we left.
I just don't want to go back to living that nightmare again.
I really don't like my neighborhood. The people in it are ignorant, homophobic and racist!
Yeah- a horrible combo!
Just really ignorant people.
I never thought I'd miss the egocentric manhattanites I was brought up with.
Even if a fabulous drag queen walked down the block, no one would even glance- or stare, or laugh.
Here- they hate anything even remotely different from them.
I can't seem to talk to anyone, even my neighbors.
They are all seriously messed up in the head.
I've heard lots of anti-Semitic things said by my neighbors, against Jews.
Did I ever mention, I AM JEWISH?
And my kids are Latin-Jews?
I don't want them growing up around so much hatred. This is where bullies come from, I'm sure of it.
And in Brooklyn, of all places??? I'm in fucking hicksville!!!
Plus, I'm bisexual. I was going to marry a women, a long time ago.
I'm sure that would've caused quite a stir in the shitty fucking neighborhood.
Yes, the houses are nice, and it's pretty residential, but the people make the neighborhood.
and they make it ugly.

Sorry, now I'm just ranting.
My point was- a lot is going on right now in my life.
I don't handle stress well at all.
I'm trying really hard though.

I promise I'm gonna write the blog I set out to a few days ago (about My Anti-cool revolution) but I just really wanted to update everyone on how things were going.

I love you guys and gals so much!!!!
Thank you always for being there for me!

As always,
Kisses Bitches!!!

Let's play catch-up, shall we?

I was supposed to go back to the doctor's office, not the sonogram technician, for a full stress test and to get hooked up with an event recorder.
For those who need a summary of things that have been happening-
I did lots and lots of harm to my body for many many years.
I've had health problems all my life-
practically lived in hospitals, doctor's offices for most of my life.
I've had MRIs, CATscans, every year for the past...I'd say 17 years of my life- no biggie.
This past year I've gotten really really ill.
My thyroid is off the fucking charts- I have both hyper- and hypo thyroid.
I've been on medication for it for over seven years- but this past year has been the worst.
The doctors can't control my thyroid, it changes every day practically- even though I'm not changing dosages, or any medications.
I've been to so many different specialists.
But I'm not having JUST thyroid problems. I've having chest pains, shortness of breath, my heart likes to, for no known reason- without warning- just fucking stop, fatigue, cramping, migraines, severe pain in my entire body like every fucking nerve in my body is on fire.
I have female problems- I've had biopsies, basically my entire body is going to SHIT!

And on top of everything- I'm fucking BIPOLAR.
Just thought I'd add that- because that's obviously nothing new. I thought thought it was funny.
Anywhoo-
I moved and had to find new and nearby doctors- because of my health problems- travel ain't so easy anymore.
I went to a nearby doctor's office, two days ago, had a million and two tests done- I'm practically glowing with radiation at this freaking point. I probably glow in the DARK!
I'm a fucking RAVE stick!
The ultrasound technician (a creepy man and NOT a doctor) touched me in ways- totally not professional and really really fucking icky.
I've been really depressed every since.

So NOW you all should be caught-up, at least mostly.
I was supposed to go back there today, the technician that violated me, not being present, and have a full stress test done.
I was panicked all day yesterday thinking about any of the doctors touching me to hook me up to any and all monitors.
Over all, I think I'm handling it better, than I possibly could be.
I didn't kill myself- so there's that, right?!

I woke up this morning in so much pain, in my chest and body.
I knew I wouldn't be able to fucking run on a fucking damn treadmill today.
So I asked Dave to cancel the appointment for me, because I couldn't even call them myself.
Yesterday we got the kids all bundled up to go out on our back patio to play in the snow.
I put on a happy face and took some photos of the kids.
But inside I just felt- bad.
In all sense of the word bad-
sick, disgusting, ugly, dirty - just really really gross.
I'm frustrated, I'm shaking, I just can't seem to regulate myself at all.

I wanted to grab a drink and smoke...color my hair, cut off my hair, or shave my head...get tattooed, go out at  night, stop eating, puke - do whatever I used to do to calm myself.
But then I realized I'm too fucking poor to have a fucking addiction right now.
Though to shave my head, I don't need money, nor the puking part- but Dave is trying to help me get through this- but NOT doing the things I'm used to doing- things are are practically engraved in my fucking DNA.
I don't like looking in the mirror at all right now.
I was feeling this way- before I went to the doctor- but not as severe. Now-
I'm just trying to be "present" for my kids.


So that's what's going on right now.
I've been getting a lot of requests to write my damn book already- and I did start it a few months ago. I seem to have a much easier time writing my blog, about the present- than writing about my past.

Anyways- I'll stop rambling now.

Kisses Bitches.


* photo from the web- "PTSD (post-tramatic stress disorder) clarinet boy" (I'm a geek- HELLLOOOO!)

Such a Weird Night!!!

Last night was CRAZY- and not in a good way.
Late in the evening yesterday- I had to run outside to Walgreen's to pick up a medication for my sister.
I had a bad feeling- but had no other choice but to go out.
I wanted Dave to come with me- but he was really tired, as usual, and had no pants- only shorts.
All his pants were in the laundry- I have A LOT of laundry to do- it's SO expensive.
I can't wait to have my own washer and dryer- but this is off topic-
I went outside by myself- I was extra paranoid- because of this bad feeling I had.
While I was in Walgreen's a strange older gentleman was watching me (and not actually shopping ), following me around the store- oh goodie.
I was going to take the stairs when I realized he was going to follow me there as well- so I ran into the elevator just before it closed! Phew!
And I made sure he didn't follow me home.
My bad feeling- was correct.
Thank goodness nothing happened.
I got home pissed off.
While I was outside I saw all these happy couples- holding hands- enjoying each other's company.
And it made me think about Dave and I-
How I have to BEG him to go places with me- even if it's outside for a few minutes.
Before I went to sleep- I got into bed and Dave asked me if I was okay.
I told him how I felt- how I wish he would want to do things with me and such.
We fell asleep.
I woke up to horrible horrible stomach pains and cramping.
I saw Dave was awake- he told me this "Don't be worried hunny, but I feel really weak and cold and lightheaded. I think I have to go to the hospital".
This was at 2 a.m.
I didn't have any bad feeling in my stomach- meaning I knew he was going to be okay.
I asked him if he had drank anything- he might be dehydrated.
He drank some water and went back to bed.
He wanted to hold me hand- that was different.
Then he said to me "Hunny, I want to apologize for all the times I fucked up".
Okay NOW I knew something was wrong- I replied "Do you think you're going to die???"
He said "Yes. But I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of leaving you alone- and missing you".
As he said this,he held my hand tight and was in a cold sweat. I could tell he was emotional.
I had to calm him down. I felt he was having a painc attack more than a real heart attack.
At that point- Levi started breathing strange. Short and fast breaths.
I immediately rushed over to him.
I think he was having a nightmare- he woke up crying and I soothed him back to sleep, telling him it was just a dream, everything's okay.
I crawled back into bed, with the heating pad on my stomach.
Dave asked me "Was that an omen?"
I replied "No. He just had a bad dream."
He then told me he was afraid to go to the doctor alone- I told him "No worries, I be there and I'll bring Levi, just try to breathe slowly- fill your stomach with air and blow out from your nose- to calm yourself down."
This is where my yoga training comes in handy ;)
He did this while holding my hand tightly- still in a cold sweat.
I prayed inside my head- "God please make my family feel better, please heal them."
I also told the spirit to leave us alone, to crossover to the other side, and that there are things WORSE than Death- and I have the power to do this. So he must leave.
A few hours later- Dave felt a bit better. Levi and Violet woke up at 6 a.m. and it was time to start the day- no matter how exhausted and in pain I was.

And that was my crazy crazy night.
I'm going to make an emergency doctor's appointment in a few minutes for Dave.
Wish us luck.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo found on the net- thought it was appropriate

Oh My GOODNESS!

Hey everyone!
Sorry it's been awhile- it's been quite hectic here.
I've been looking at new apartments, going to doctors, running around like a chicken without a head.
Today I saw doctors! Woohoo! In one day- Lucky me.
The first was a gyno- and he didn't have good news to tell me.
Apparently he thinks my endometriosis is back- and in a really bad stage- meaning not much can be done to fix it other than surgery.
But surgery has it's own many many risks- He thinks my insides are twisted due to lots of C-sections and prior surgeries. By him opening me up again, it would be very risky and complications could happen with bladder, uterus, basically all my insides. OH joy! He put me on new birth control medication- which usually makes me really ill. Oh and he gave me another Pap smear-  to make sure it's not cancer- after everything was done, I said to him "Fun times. Fun times." To which he laughed. Hopefully this will help the pain, otherwise my other options aren't any better- the last option being surgery.
Then after that FANTASTIC news- I went for my breast sonogram.
Oh yea- and when he was prescribing me the medication- he asked me if I get migraines- to which I replied- "Yes, yes I do. Why do you ask?"
He then said "do you see an aura before you get them. Can you "sense" it will happen before it actually happens?"
"Ummm, I get pain. It starts small- gets big fast".
He answered "Ok, because if you do and you're on this medication you could possibly have a brain hemorrhage."
I looked at him, like "Are you fucking kidding me?!!!"
He was dead serious.
Apparently I pissed off the wrong spirit, or god or something-
because everyone has been hitting me straight between the eyes!
Including the sonogram technician.
She was such a cunt!!!
Asking all kinds of inappropriate questions. She was so super nasty to me.
I didn't get an attitude at all with her, or anyone else that's been getting mad at me for only god knows what reasons.
Everyone asks me why I don't get angry back.
I just don't- I try to maintain my cool and be polite no matter how out of line they are.
As far as I know and feel- it's their karma they are ruining, not mine.
I don't know the results yet, but tomorrow I see the breast surgeon. Fun times.
A Broker called me about an apartment- and starting the conversation by yelling at me. She was so pissed at me- and I'd never ever talked to her before.
Again, I was nice and polite the entire way through.
I told Dave later that I feel I'm ignored by everyone all the time-unless they're angry. Then I get it right between the eyes.
I don't even know what I did to deserve it.
All I try to do all day- everyday, is help people.
I'm just trying to keep my cool- even with everything in chaos.
I'm under so much stress right now- emotionally and physically.
Just trying to get through the day- the week- the month.
I hope someone's watching up there- and something so magical is going to happen to my family and I- and sometime SOON would help.

That's the news thus far-
Kisses Bitches! Be nice to each other, would ya?