10 Sleepless nights

10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats  your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed  in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic,  irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon  was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again

Bipolar-ing

Sorry I haven't been blogging so much- keep up with me on instagram- "yearsoftherapy"
I try to post daily, when I don't that means I was really ill.
So please forgive me.

Trying to fight depression.
It kinda creeps up on me likes like a
Shadow and covers all the light that was once there and all of a sudden you realize the light's out.
So you try to fight to see the light again.

But I'm fighting  for the light everyday.

Every.damn.day.
Somedays I win. Others...not so much.
I am Bipolar.
I am ok with that. It took years to be.
I still have days where I wish I wasnt.
But it happens. It my life. My journey.

I fight to end the stigma.

Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans

cokehead is the correct spelling, autocorrect

from my past-

As I put my head out the window of the speeding bright green VW beetle, I saw flashing lights. I was really high on ecstasy and god knows what other small little magical pills I swallowed earlier that evening. The lights were all different beautitful colors- It thought to myself I've never seen something so beautiful before.

Probably a very common thought among "E heads".

It was all so amazing!! I felt so free!!

We stopped suddenly at a red light. Right beside us was a cop car.

The cops just looked at us with a glare.

My ( then) girlfriend hit the gas and we sped up practically racing the nearby police car- laughing our asses off!

Now before you go criticizing me being in a car with a girl just as high as me, driving.

Let me explain to you this- This girl could NOT drive for a second, sober-

She was terrible! HORRIBLE!

Her sister ( whom I dated as well) and I never got in the car when she was sober- we were afriad for our lives!

I remember these days.

There were several advantages to going out with a drug dealer.

She was a very petite little woman, with the face of Courtney Cox ( when she was young).

We smoked all the time, in the car, out of the car.

Did I mention she was also a cokehead?

Yeah- I at the time- was not.

Let me tell you this every single drug dealer I' ve ever met- and there have been lots!!!

Has at least one drug they will not touch. Because they felt it was beneath them to do so.

Take my ex- girl for example- she LOVED the shit out of coke, but would never ever smoke CRACK. But that was her biggest money maker- CRACK.

She looked down on crackheads, talking shit about them all the time, while she would sniff about eight lines of coke in one sitting.

This relationship- if you could call it that- didn't last long.

She did propose to me though, I even accepted at the time.

I couldn't say no- ever to anybody- at that time. So I accepted this antique diamond ring, as she got down on one knee proposing.

I accepted even though I knew I didn't love her.

I did not follow through. Thank goodness! I gave her back everything.

Mania is it's own drug.

Unhappy thoughts much?

Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created,  but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness  and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Listen to the beat

Sometimes you just need to let go of everything-not easy usually but when I can it's through music.
One of my coping mechanisms is music-listening,  singing,  and used to be dancing.
I'm trying to find my way back to the things I used to find joy in.
Creative things- painting,  drawing -I can't seem to have the attention span for these things yet.

Possibly I'll start gaming again.
My kids seem to want me to join in.

I'll watch movies sometimes.
But music is always the way to my soul.
It's houses memories, cries of sadness and joy.

So here's a pic of me rocking out on my couch, to go with this  random blog update to get me into the swing of things.

Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

Let's play super quick catch up- cuz I'm impatient

Since my last post in 2011-

 I had gave birth to my third child, a baby girl. She's  now going to be turning 5 in April. Her name is Lula

-after her birth I had severe Postpartum depression,  went into the institution  several times.

-As a last resort had E.C.T. (electroshock treatments) which were one of the worst decisions of my life.

- I suffered great poverty and had to move from NYC to NC  for my family's
Sake

-suffered many traumas during the move.

-had a possible stroke?

-basically lots of fun shit. Tons of fun. (Oodles and oodles of sarcasm!)

But really sooooo much more happened than these shitty cliff notes.

Now-let's play!

Smooches bitches!
I'm back.
And no one's ready for me.

Signed
Head bitch in charge.

Yet Another day spent dazed and confused

Let's play catch-up:
Both my kids have several new doctors and new doctor appointments- with specialist that specifically only deal with kids with special needs.
We went for our first visit Thursday- and it was the very best doctors visit we've ever had!!! They were so kind and understanding- they didn't rush us along, for the next patient. We spent THREE HOURS there! Plus they got us transportation to and fro.
AWESOME!
The doctor said that Violet's cyst on her neck might be from her thyroid and it will probably need to be biopsied. But first they will need a sonogram done.
I am not looking forward to this. I'm trying not to think about all the possible outcomes. I don't want to worry myself sick. I'm sick enough already.
My son did get his very first vaccination shot ever that day.
Not several at once, like all the doctors previously had wanted.
One shot- single dose. After that we will be coming back every week, or every other week for the next shot until we are caught up.
Levi did have a bad reaction, I knew it would happen, sadly. He had fever until Monday and has been even crankier than ever before!
I didn't even think it was possible!!!
He's grabbed so many chunks of my hair, I lost count.
And no, wearing a hat or scarf, doesn't make a difference.
My scalp is so sore from all the pulling!
Plus he's been banging his head like there's no tomorrow!
I worry for my son and his precious big ol' head.
I'm FRIED!

My thyroid is really fucking low! My bones hurt so badly. I feel like my body is falling apart.
I spoke to my doctor and he said if I still feel this way by Tuesday, he'll up my thyroid medication, eventhough it's ridiculously high as it is.
I swear I'm some kind of mutant! But without all the cool superhero powers!

Saturday- during the the day, in front of my apartment- a group of stupid teenage boys stopped to purposely point and laugh at me. Because I looked different (faux 80s pink mohawk).
I was shocked!!

Seriously! How ignorant are the people in my neighborhood? They are racist and homophobic! It's a nightmare! I can't stand them! We have nothing in common. I'm basically in hicksville.
In manhattan, no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves. I never thought I'd think of that as a plus!
But now I miss the city- MY CITY- more than ever before!
I fear for my kids growing up in this stuck up, stupid, ignorant neighborhood.
I was really caught off guard by those idiot boys. I used to get bullied all the time in school, but I was a kid- I mean, young kids are dumb, that's a given. But in adulthood?
It's digusting.
And I know, these dumbass boys will never leave Brooklyn, or even their neighborhood, when they get older. Because I know they'll never really "grow up".
It's pathetic, and strangely satisifying, to know this fact.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with some friends, and had a good time.
I couldn't eat and drink- as much as I would've liked to.
I didn't want to change the good mojo of the dinner, by telling them how physically ill I felt from my thyroid. And that my entire body was throbbing in pain, including my stomach.
I didn't care that I felt so horrible, because the time I got to spend with my friends, was priceless.

Sunday- I took my kids to Toy R' Us.
I took my mom and sister with me too.
It's nice to get my mom out of the house, and get some fresh air.
She has always loved toy shopping since I was a wee little one.
Violet wanted to take the entire store home, and Levi couldn't care less.
In fact he screamed most of the time- wanting to leave the toy store and go home.
Levi was still cranky from the shot he got on Thursday.
Later that night- he ripped out my hair, tore off my glasses which got caught on my nose piercing and almost ripped it out of my nose.
My nose was bleeding, my scalp hurt and I was a MESS! A hot mess!

Monday I went to the city for the ultrasound of my thyroid.
It was done three times! Because all the doctors couldn't believe what they saw.
I was freaked.
Apparently my thyroid is RIDICULOUSLY small. Abnormally small.
Which explains why I feel so sick and tired all the time.
The can't figure out WHY it's so small though.
I might have an auto immune disease that makes my immune system attack my thyroid for years until it becomes too small and very underactive.
Oh fucking joy!
But that's only one possibility.
I haven't heard from my doctor yet, as to what the other possibilities are and what are my options to treat it.
On another note-
My mom was told yesterday that April 29th, at the end of THIS MONTH, will be her very last day of work with the company.
So much is going on right now with my family. I can't wait for things to look up!

On yet another note-
I will be talking about in my upcoming blogs- how ridiculous the things we find appealing in our society actually are.
I'm bringing back an old movement of mine- that I believe deserves a come back- and another look at.
My Anti-Cool Revolution.
Totally worth it. And very ridiculously uncool of me :)

Kisses Bitches,
That's all for now!
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

P.S. Today Violet has her first ever dentist appointment, I hope I don't lose any fingers!!!

Went to A heart doctor today...

But he wasn't THE doctor I was hoping he'd be.
He didn't even ask me my family history or which medications I'm taking.
You know when you have this funny feeling that the person you've met gets an idea of who you are- and what you're about the minute they meet you- and nothing can derail their thoughts???
Well this was that moment. I'm so ticked!!!
Medicaid doctors SUCK ASS! Man what I would give for some good insurance to go to some REAL doctors. REALLY good doctors that is. You know ones that ask questions and ACTUALLY check you out!
Dear God!!! What the fuck- and I waited an hour and a half to hear what??? BULLSHIT! that's what. Nothing- he said "he wished he could help me". Are you serious?!
I knew no matter what I said, he wouldn't change his mind. FUCK DOCTORS!!!
Sorry for the rant- but this is majorly frustrating.
I didn't let it ruin my whole day though. Afterwards I went to H&M on 5th avenue.
What a MAD HOUSE!!! Crying babies, and crazy scary skinny white women running amok- like the place was closing or something. And I went in the afternoon!
I hate crowds- I really do. And you wonder why I live in New York? Because I got no where else to go. That's why.
I got myself a cheap cute hat ( I'm a hat FREAK), and a Sergent Pepper jacket ( on sale). Oh yeah and a $1.50 pair of 80's style doorknockers. If you don't know what doorknockers are- you're missing out. My ghetto fabulous queens out there know what I'm talking about.
I've had several friends and family members mention that they think I should write a book.
Now I've been thinking about this for a very long time now. I don't write fiction- I only write about what I know- my life experiences.
Now in my blog- I'm tame. Seriously. I know it's hard to believe- but believe me it's TAME. Especially compared to all that I've experienced in life. If I were to finally decided to write my book, it's be juicy- very juicy. And that's why I haven't decided for sure that I'm going to write it. Because I know many people that would be upset about what I write. Not many family members want me to put everything out there. I'm afraid some family members and friends would never forgive me, maybe not even Dave. It's kind of a scary thought. I would not write this book to purposely hurt anyone but if I'm going to write a book- it's going to be the real deal- raw, naked and the whole truth- there's no point to me doing this halfway. I need to go all out.
I mean what sells right? Sex, drugs, addiction- the whole shabang. And my book would have all of that.
I know a lot of my family would be embarrassed and ashamed of the things I've done- I know my mom already is- but she deals with it. And I understand why. I'm her little girl no matter how old I get. So I don't blame her.
The book would definitely be called The Bipolar Bible- for sure.
So maybe I'll start it- little by little- there's so many stories running through my mind- it's hard to write them down quick enough. HELLO RACING THOUGHTS!!!!!!! BIPOLAR!
If I could finished this whole huge project- from start to finish- man, that'd be amazing.

Kisses my beautiful, sexy bitches!!!