Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

Depressed-hard to type

This past weekend was stressful.

We all went to the city Saturday, packed with our kids and the double stroller.


It was fun at times- but overall more stressful than fun.


The kids were having meltdowns towards the end of the day.
Levi was trying to hit his head against the stroller, while screaming.
At the same exact time Violet was screaming.


Two screaming kids- I felt overwhelmed and very anxious.


Sunday we went to flatbush- the kids were tantruming most of the time- so we cut the day short- very short.

I got my nose pierced again, the fourth time in four years.
I just want to feel something, you know.
Feel happy. Feel good about myself and my life.


Is that too much to ask for?
You know what- don't answer that.
I already know the answer.


I'm frustrated. I feel I live for everyone else and not myself and I'm not talking about my children. That I understand completely.


The whole weekend while outside, I'm worrying if Dave and the kids are having a good time. No one cared, or even asked, if I was having a good time.


Levi's tantrums have gotten violent towards me-especially this past weekend- kicking and biting me. Violet's aggressive too.


I feel banged up and emotionally exhausted.


I feel like I'm doing this alone.


I know I said I don't censor myself- but I do- and I do it a lot in my blog- so I don't hurt anyone.


But most of the time I feel suffocated- like my feelings are being suffocated. I'm just pushing my feelings- and all of me- deep deep down inside- so far down I don't know what to feel anymore.


I'm scared of feeling that if I voice my opinion, bad things will happen.


I just want to feel happy again- I don't feel like myself anymore- and I haven't for a really really really long time.
I've been upset and couldn't bring myself to write about it. Even now I'm censoring myself-
and I apologize for that.




Maybe one day it will all be made clear.
At least I hope it will.


Kisses Bitches.

I think I'm a good luck charm...

for everyone else that is- for me- not so much at all.
All these bad things keep happening to us- I'm so frustrated and depressed.
My babies and I keep getting sick- and our court case is coming up this month. And even though we have such a great case against them, I know they play dirty and lie- so I have no clue what to expect.
I'm just tired of it all, ya know? Having to fight for everything!
Nothing comes easily- I'm just breaking down at this point.
I see all these great things happening to those around me, and for that I'm very thankful and grateful, I just wonder when it's our turn- for something great to happen.
For us to have the money to get out of this shit hole, and move into a beautiful new home.
For my family and I to stop getting sick every month.
I'm crying all morning- and I can't stand it.
You all know how much I don't like to cry.
But I feel like I can't stop. I'm supposed to be strong for my family- but I don't feel very strong right now.
I know feeling this way isn't going to help anything- and I'm trying to fight it as best I can.

Thanks for listening- sorry to be a downer.

Depressing

Woke up this morning after having nightmares. These nightmares- are reoccurring.

A few days ago, in my dream, I saw a baby with blond curly hair fall out of a window of a building I've never ever seen before, while the baby's parents were distracted. I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance- I remember being traumatized in my dream- the baby turned out to be fine somehow.

Again, last night I saw the same baby about to fall out of a window of the same building from the previous dream- I was telling everyone around me, that I saw this happen in a dream and they have to help me save this child. I end up saving the child-only to flash forward in my dream to the same child a little older- his grandmother had died in his apartment, and she was his last remaining relative, he decided later that day to commit suicide.

Yeahhhhhhhh- this was a really fucked up dream- ask me what it means? I have no clue. When I woke up Lee started crying- I went to his crib and he was still crying- which is very unusual for him, he usually smiles when he sees me- so I knew something was wrong- he was burning up with a high fever. He was shaking. I put him in a cool bath immediately with me- to help cool him down. He was really out of it- but slowly his temperature cooled down.

The rest of my day didn't go that much better.

I waited in the doctor's office for almost two hours- just for a two minute visit- the doctor told me nothing I didn't know before- keep treating the fever. The doctor has no clue- yet again- why my children are getting these high fevers every month.

I was depressed all day. I haven't been feeling well- nauseous and whatnot- so I took a cheap pregnancy test ( from the dollar store- don't put it down, it WORKS!), it turned out negative of course. I don't what what I was expecting after all.

I've been reading all these articles about infertility and babies. One article talked about wealthy parents that went through invitro and ended up pregnant with twins. Apparently the father didn't want twins so they basically aborted one while in the first trimester. I was so horrified reading this! I would never ever do that no matter what-that's scary! Even if I were pregnant with 6 babies- I would have and love and be thankful for those 6 babies. Some people are horrible parents- why do they get kids? And meanwhile people judge me, for wanting more children-because I am poor. I feel I'm a way better parent than most of the wealthy families around here who treat their kids like accessories.

I see pregnant women everywhere I go. Sometimes even though a woman has had a child in the past, doesn't necessarily mean she'll have a second, or third. It's just not a given anymore.

So I had to realize this might take a really long time. And thinking that really got me down.

Then in Duane Reade I saw a 7 month old little girl, and started talking with the babies parents. The baby was smiling at me and I was talking and giggling with the little girl. The dad said to me, "Wow, you certainly know your way around babies!" I said while smiling from ear to ear "Yeah well... I do have two of my own."

That made me feel so good. Seeing the little girl smile and laugh- reminding me how much I want more kids, and how very much I love the ones I have. I know I'm most definitely blessed with the ones I have- I just want more- I'm probably just greedy that way;)

I love kids, what can I say?

So I'm still depressed a bit...well more than a bit..but I just snuggle up with Levi and Violet and they make me feel so much better.

Thanks for listening.... bitches.

*beautiful photo I foundon the net- makes me smile. Hope it makes you smile too.

Very depressing day.

I know- busy day- three blogs in one day. It's insanity.
I'm so depressed right now, I have things I have to do, and all I want to do is sleep.
Violet and I have had a rough two days. I feel bad for her. She's having a really difficult time falling asleep lately (and of course- staying asleep).
Thoughts are spinning in my head. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to.
So I write to my imaginary friend- the Internet.
A lot of my friends don't understand what I'm going through. At times like these, I wish I had a functioning bipolar friend. Which sounds like an oxymoron. And maybe it is a fairytale.
All my old bipolar friends, are gone. And it's sad. Sometimes I feel like there is no happy ending for us bipolars. I hope there is. I pray there is.
But this overwhelming emptiness- is well...overwhelming. Usually there's no rhyme or reason- it just happens and even though I try fighting it with all I've got. It seems to get the best of me.
Probably me losing my hair, my shitty camera not working, and being told Violet needs A LOT of help, doesn't help my situation. But these things are minimal. Not huge. Yet I feel suffocated and find it hard to breathe- yet I'm not having a panic attack. It's straight up the ugly part of being bipolar, being depressed.
I wait and wait and wait for some type of mania to take over. But nothing happens.
And no, I don't want to be full blown manic- that's my demon.
Just a tad bit manic- the happiness part, wouldn't hurt. It's better to be a tiny bit manic then full blown depressed, for bipolars, at least, I feel this way.
Bad things happen to bipolars when full blown depressed AND full blown manic.
But there has to be some inbetween, right? Isn't there???
I haven't quite found it yet- but I must believe in it, like I believe God. And even though things make me question my faith all the time, everyday, I still must believe.

Hello to all my bipolars out there!
I'd love to hear from you.

My Pre-Birthday Blog

At 5:59 AM tomorrow morning, I will be turning 29 years old. And I'm feeling depressed. Not because I'm getting older- but instead because I get depressed around my birthday just about every year.
I'm fine with getting older- actually I feel fifty-something- not twenty-something.
I've had a LONG life, thus far. And have experienced many things most twenty-something's haven't. I'm not talking kids and marriage either.
By the time I was 25 I had been hospitalized several times- for being manic, for being suicidal, for being severely crippled from multiple eating disorders.
I spent New Years Eve 2003, inside an institution. I will at some point talk about my time in those institutions and the people I met- but now doesn't seem like the time.
I used to have many bipolar friends- I tend to attract them like a magnet. I think Bipolars attract other bipolars- it's probably a law of attraction kinda thing.
I made two very close friends in two separate hospital stays. One, Julia- became my blood sister- also bipolar and had multiple eating disorders. I loved her very much- I even gave her my teddy bear named bunny (yes I used to name stuffed animals- opposite of what they were- it's funnier that way). She had a very abusive boyfriend-who made me very nervous. I stayed in touch with her months after, he had tried to kill her. After she left him I didn't hear from her. I'm assuming she's dead at this point. Being bipolar and in an abusive relationship- don't end well. period.
My other friend, Mike was my best bud during my first hospital stay. Again like me he was bipolars- most patients in institutions are bipolar- as well as other things.
Mike left the hospital before I did- even though he tried to prolong his stay to make me happy. We caused serious chaos in the hospital with the other patients there. It was fun fucking with other crazy patients' minds. One patient, we made believe we did magic. Yeah- that's a whole other story all together.
Mike would constantly be in hospitals- he went from one to the other. He was even BANNED from other hospitals. He would sell his prescriptions instead of taking them.
And then end up seriously depressed and suicidal. Bipolars for the most part- make REALLY bad decisions. REALLY BAD. I haven't heard from Mike in many years. I assume the worst.
One of the main reasons I'm not still friends with my old bipolar buddies- is because they made horrible decisions- and weren't self-aware. Many became strippers- of all kinds. Most bipolars- almost all- are sex addicts, shopaholics,drug addicts, alcoholics.
Every time I went into an institution they tried to make me go to rehab. I argued this because I was addicted to such things only when I was manic. I can go months- even years without a drink. It's not a thing for me now.
I've seen a lot and done a lot in my life so far. It makes me feel like I've been around more years than I actually have.
I didn't go to my ten year H.S. reunion because I feel I have nothing in common with them, I didn't then and I especially don't now.
This is probably why I find it so hard to connect with people. I feel most times like I'm from another planet.
So here I am- turning only 29 years old.
Yesterday sucked, today was horrible and tomorrow ain't looking too hot either.
I'm trying to look forward to seeing my friends on Friday. Going to my favorite chill spot, White Rabbit. But I'm nervous- what if they don't have a good time? What if there's silence? I'm a very anxious person. I worry if my friends will have fun or not. And yes I will be drinking. Before Friday I had some drinks three months ago and before that, one and half years. I proved most doctors wrong. I didn't need rehab like they suggested, and I'm not dead yet.
I went shopping tonight looking for a real slutty-whorish shirt and some high heels to wear for Friday. So for one night I don't feel I look like an exhausted mom of two. But I didn't find anything to my liking. Did find some accessories.
I thought shopping would make me feel better- but it didn't. Nothing did. So i wrote this blog just now- which is just a few out of the millions of blogs I have in my mind and am planning to write. I'm an open book- and most have hated this about me.
But I feel the more open I am about my experiences- maybe just maybe- I can help someone- and stop them from making the same mistakes I have. Or in the very least- let them know they're not alone.
To all my bipolar readers out there- I'm here, willing to talk and listen.


Love you all.
See ya when I turn 29.