Trying desperately to write daily

Let's see how this goes.

I made eggs for everyone (five adults and 1 curious babygirl. The other one wanted no part in it).
I feel everyone takes me for granted.
I should go on strike!!!!

Thunderstorms kept Lee up most of the night. So I pulled his crib right next to my bed, so that I could hold his hand for several hours, so he could sleep, while I did not.
The things mamas do for the kids, huh?
I love my babies, so it's totally worth it.

I was in pain most of the night and uncomfortable. Not fun at all.

Craving lots of eggs ( pastured eggs are DELICIOUS!!! When I can afford them;), pickles ( FROMTHE BARREL!!! NO JARRED FREAKS OF NATURE PLEASE!!!) and my homemade chocolate chunk cookies ( I made them two days ago and everyone seems to be attacking them!!!)
I totally fucked up  the recipe, because I've been so out of it lately. But they came out the best chocolate chip cookies I ever made!!! Go figure!!!

I'm tired, cranky, and a bit delusional. the day being stormy doesn't help.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

P.S. I'm crossing my fingers I get interviewed for a segment on autism, for CBS, this week.
Oh I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE!!!!!! Please cross your fingers too!!!

Am I the only person on the planet, that thinks my kids being autisitic isn't a problem, or curse. But a miracle. My kids are so special, and perfect the way they are and were always meant to be. I'm not looking for a "cure", or for them to grow out of it. I LOVE my babies more than life itself. And I believe God made them perfect the way they are.
But I guess that's just me, huh?

Yesterday was hell

but tomorrow is looking better- tomorrow I'll see my mama clan at Levi's school.
Yesterday was shit from the very start- I could tell.
Both kids were losing their minds being stuck at home, as was I.
I wanted to go to the farmer's market in prospect park, since it's been month and months since I've been to one.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE going to the farmer's market.
Pure joy, except when I go to the one in union square- where many many obnoxious people go- the food is GREAT, but the people leave a lot to be desired.
Very wealthy, very snotty, very egotistical, and all very young- all of them together- in one place makes me itch or twitch and scream.
YUCK! Snobby people SUCK!
Plus they all HATE children. So when I go there with my lovely wonderfully, insane children, I just HAVE to run them over with my double stroller, after asking them over five times very politely, to move the FUCK outta the way!
They all forget they were once very obnoxious children themselves.
Not to say my kids are obnoxious, they're just LOUD.
Everyone was driving me insane yesterday.
It was a very bad move for me to take my kids outside.
They were in a bad mood to begin with.
Plus it was fuck ass cold outside.
Taking my kids out- is hard. I won't lie. It's difficult.
Don't me wrong I LOVE my babies.
They complete me (Jerry Maguire anyone??).
But they were both screaming all day long!
Plus Dave and I were arguing.
He THOUGHT he knew where we were going, but it turns out he didn't and was walking us for miles and miles for no good reason with two screaming kids.
I KNEW where we were going- and where I wanted to go.
So we aruged- in front of the kids and in front of my sister and her best friend.
Her best friend was worried, and asked my sister if we were okay? My sister nodded- like "This always happens. This is normal for them."
Yeah it is, I won't lie.
I was really annoyed at him, for quite a few blocks.
He ended up apologizing, but I was too fried and tired to really care.
We did go to the farmer's market, in prospect park, and it was wonderful.
The food was great and the people, way more down to earth- just my kind of people.
When we got home finally, the screaming stopped.
Hours later.
I was DONE for the day.
But apparently the day wasn't done with me.
I headed to my bedroom when I saw the horrific state of the main bathroom- and just HAD to clean it from top to bottom.
I hate filth and mess in my home- but that seems to be all there is. ARGH!
Last night, I couldn't sleep, I was exhausted but I couldn't fall deep asleep.
I found out why later, Levi was up all night long laughing and sometimes coughing. Oh and Violet threw up last night all over her pillow pets- so I did laundry at 4 a.m.
She's okay, she's had a cold for over a week, and it made her a little nauseous. She was fine afterwards, and happy. Puking isn't a huge deal for my daughter, since she used to gag herself just for fun. I know, strange kid.
So I didn't get much sleep and then I got to start the day all over again. WOOHOO!
Today I cleaned my kitchen- it's so white, I could cry.
Yes, this is how I deal with frustration, and anger. I clean.
How did I become this way??? HOW?! I'd love to know.
I also cooked dinner, wished dishes, took out the garbage.
I live this housewife kinda life- but it ain't me.
I wanna break free. I really do.
I day dream a lot, about my hopes and desires. They seem so far away sometimes.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the day, trying not to feel.
I guess this is my true bipolar moment at the core.
I'm fighting inside, just trying to make it through the day, like a normal person.
But truthfully that'll never be me.
I can pretend and play dress up, but in the end- who am I, really?


Sorry I'll cut this short- because I could go on forever.

As always, Kisses Bitches!

Shit Shit Fuck Fuck!!!!

I found out last night that my grandma is in the hospital.
She wasn't doing well and had a very bad infection in both her feet.
We were all very surprised, and upset, obviously.
I found out today the antibiotics are working and she's getting better
Best news I've heard all day!!!
As far as I'm concerned she is my ONLY grandma.
She's been suffering from dementia for over tens year and does not remember me anymore.
I just want my grandma to be in peace- no pain, no confusion anymore.
She is a great person and she deserves to be happy.

I haven't been feeling very well for the past few days- but wasn't making a big deal of it- until last night.
My legs and feet were in so much fucking unbelievable pain and I couldn't breathe.
For about a week now- my heart stops- yes stops- for about 5 or so seconds-without a warning- I cannot breathe or speak.
But I am conscious through the whole thing.
I found out yesterday from a friend who's a doctor, she has experienced the same exact thing many times.
I also must mention that she has had open heart surgery in the past.
And suggested it might be electrical.
I was so happy to hear I wasn't JUST crazy!!!
And that this is real, not a fucking panic attack.
I have an irregular heartbeat, plus a really bad thyroid problem.
So I'm experiencing 17 different symptoms at once.
I feel they are all connected but not one doctor has put it all together.
My blood pressure was so low this morning I couldn't move.
And yes- everyone around me was ready to call 911.
But if you know me-
you also know that I've almost died in the hospital before- and got sick FROM the hospital- a severe blood infection that did almost end me- permanently.
So unless my spleen falls out in the next two minutes, I won't go to the hospital.
I feel a tiny bit better than this morning, my blood pressure isn't AS low as before.
But it's going up and down all day and driving me insane.
I slept for three hours during the day- which I DON'T do usually.
I couldn't function today.
If things don't get better soon, I will have no choice but to go to the hospital.
My mom is at a hospital in the city right now, not leaving many people here to watch my two kids- it's a 24/7 job with no sleep! Not EASY!

Wish my grandma and I luck.

God bless all of you,

and of course...
Kisses Bitches!

*photo of my grandma- almost ten years ago

Long Long Long day

I went to court today, yet again. Nothing has been solved.
The hunt for a lawyer continues. It's so exhausting.
I was up almost all night, freaking out. Basically having a total meltdown.
I was cycling really badly. And that only leads to bad things. So I took an extra Geodon. This medication works within 15 minutes (it's for my bipolar disorder). And started feeling much much better, thank goodness.
Violet was screaming most of the night because she was not feeling well.
So after court today, I made several calls and then took Violet for an emergency doctors appointment.
Violet has many health problems, all of which can't be addressed by just one doctor, it takes so many.
Right now the problem is she keeps getting UTIs ( urinary tract infections) we think this is because she has urinary reflux, which if left untreated can lead to kidney failure. Yes, kidney failure.
On top of trying to find a good lawyer, I'm trying to get better myself.
I've been sick nearly a month, as has my son. And now Violet.
I'm in the midst of getting her multiple doctors appointments and tests. It never ever ends.
Dave complains that I have half empty seltzers bottles all over the house.
This is because every single time I open a bottle and try to drink, something happens- either one of the kids wants the bottle, or someone calls, or the doorbell rings, you get the point.
So at this rate I have no time to drink, let alone eat. Last night I realized I barely ate all day. No wonder why I felt so horrible. Stress makes me even more sick and really nauseous- so even thinking about eating, when I'm freak out, just makes it worse.
Dave's going to try to help me out more with all the jobs I have. He sees it's really wearing me down a lot.
When he says this- I breathe a sigh of relief.
I feel bad for my husband. He rarely gets any sleep. There seems to be no time in the day or night, to get these much needed hours. I need more help around the house and with the kids, but I feel horrible asking for these things from him, because I know how tired he is.
It's a dreadful cycle. Ongoing cycle.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot and we have to fight to get back our medicaid and food stamps in the middle of all this chaos.
In the short time I was actually sleeping last night, I had a vision of the place I will eventually move to.
I asked God to show me where I would be living. I still don't know where, but I think it was someplace warm. My family and I lived in a house I had never ever seen before in my life. It was enormous compared to our apartment. Violet and Levi each had their own rooms. We had a two floor patio! It was amazing. The basement was pretty empty except for a washing machine and dryer. And...get this there was a leak from the ceiling of my basement. And I was ranting in the dream how we just freaking bought this place, how could this already be already happening?! Funny, huh?
Well this dream gave me hope. Hope I didn't have before. In the end I will have moved out of this toxic place and into a beautiful new home big enough for my family, where everyone would be happy and most importantly healthy.
Here's to hoping.

Thanks everyone, for all of your support through these rough times.
It's really appreciated.
Maybe my miracle is coming. Just maybe.