Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A how-to about being Bi

You might read this and laugh.
Obviously I don't NEED to explain what bisexuality means, or how to have do I?
To some of you, maybe I should explain how to have sex- because I'm sure that I might have slept with some of you- and I'm positive most have no clue what they are doing in bed whatsoever.
But this is not a lecture on how to have good- no. Scratch that! GREAT sex!
You might feel like crying now- because you are so so very sad- you will never know the wisdom I possess. Stop your crying. No, really- stop your crying- it's annoying.

Okay on to what I meant to say-

When you have lived a...hummm. how do I word this....."otherworldly existence" while on this planet- by being yourself- be it gay or bisexual- you will no doubt come across this situation.
You are in a relationship (or not) and you have befriended a new person.
You really enjoy this person's friendship- did I mention they were the same gender as you?
And you somehow have to finally tell this person that you are gay or bisexual-

The first time I came out of the closet to my friends, about being bisexual.
The first thing out of my friends' mouth was "You're not gonna hit on me now, right?!"
My reply "Of course not!"

Their response- which I'll never quite understand at all- "Why? I'm not pretty enough?!"

I thought- WAIT a fucking minute!!! First you don't want me to hit on you, then you feel insulted because I WON'T?! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Women are CRAZY creatures. They are- no doubt. And I'm one of them.
We are crazy, complex, curious, contrary- and WE FUCKING ROCK!
We blow your fucking MINDS away! Seriously.

Girl power bitches! Girl muthafuckin' power, yo!

I'll never understand women completely- because I rarely understand myself.

Anytime I befriend a female (doesn't happen frequently- most women I meet seem to hate me instantaneously), I eventually come across the moment where I have to tell them my background. You all know I'm an open book- straight forward- no holding back- except in this case.
I worry about the female's reaction when I tell them I'm bisexual. When I say  I'm bisexual- they might think- I'm still looking for a woman- even though I'm married to a man.
So I'd rather say my sexuality is "Married".
You married women out there- know exactly what I'm talking about- so don't front! Don't Front!

The other day when talking with my new mama clan (my new mama friends),
when talking about an ex of mine- I never say their gender.
I knew it was time- and I better make this funny-

Now in the past- I have experienced a lot of hatred from people, for being with a woman. A LOT! People screaming at me and my, then girlfriend, in the streets how we're evil, we belong in hell---yada yada yada.
There's still A LOT of hatred out there against gays.
It's horrifying.
And truthfully- I never know how a person is going to react to me being bisexual.
Homophobic people- look normal on the outside,
it's always nerve wrecking when you have no clue how someone will react.
Why do you think, it's scary coming out of the closet???
It's terrifying!!!

So I decided to come out to my friends like this "I USED TO BE GAY!"
Like I was saying I used to like the color orange. Very nonchalant, you know.
Of course- I know you can't CHANGE being gay- either you are or you aren't.
I will always be bisexual- deep inside. I have loved women and men, since I was a child.
That's not gonna change.
But I'm married now and have chosen my path to be with my husband.
(Dave: Actually... I cured her gayness...with my penis...)

They cracked up laughing so hard.
It made my day!
Not only were they okay with it, but I also made them laugh.

And if you know me- that's my favorite thing ever- and I feel it's my purpose in life. To say my story and in the process make people laugh with joy.

Without laughter, there's only tears.

Kisses Bitches!!!
Be proud of yourself, never back down. You're loud! You're proud! And so fucking fabulous!!! You better WORK!


  1. I'm trying to remember when you first told me you were Bi....
    I think it went something like this:

    You: "Um...yea you know I'm bi right?"
    Me: "No... but ok."

    It never even occurred to me to ask if you were gonna hit on me. I feel left out of the stupid
    But in all honesty...that question shows how egocentric some people are...
    That's like saying "I'm hungry" to your friend and they say "well I'm not" bitch I didn't ask if you were *smack*