Quickie

A quickie- no, not sex sadly. Ha ha.
Just a quick update:
My dad is on a long list of people getting laid off this year. When? We have no clue! But It's gonna happen. I'm urging him to take early retirement- but he's very stubborn.
Oh and he broke his friend's nose, in a fight, with his head! Totally broke it! And now his friend needs surgery!  Now we have to pay his medical bills. Oh BOY!
His boss is sending him for anger management, hilarious but a bit too late in my opinion.
So things have been mighty stressful here in "Camp crazy nut house" ( meaning my home). My kids have been on vacation this week, and I've never missed school more! I've been having mini nervous breakdowns during the week. Plus both my kids have been abusing me AND loving me. Is this what they mean by tough love????
"I love you! I hate you! No, I love you!" Make up your minds!!!!
I'm thinking of cutting my hair short again, just to spite my son. So that he can't rip out chunks of my hair anymore!!! "Owwwwie" My scalp is on fire!
I'm so slept deprived, Dave said I was crabby (so was he obviously- from lack of sleep), while I had a wet pee pee diaper in my hand. BAD IDEA! I was about to throw it away, but I had a WAY better idea- instead I threw it (the CLOSED pee pee diaper) at his face! We both laughed!!! And then tried to hit each other with the dirty diaper!

Yeah, that's lack of sleep for you. These are the ways we take out our aggression on each other.

Kisses Bitches!!!

Forget tomorrow, Today is where the madness lies

Yesterday was a nightmare, and today ain't looking too good either.
I spoke to a nurse yesterday, I had called the doctor earlier and a nurse called me back instead.
The nurse was one of the dumbest people I've ever spoken to before,
and that's saying A LOT!
A few clips from our ridiculous conversation:
She told me, "There's nothing the doctor can do about the size of my thyroid."

YEAH DUH! I realize he can't do magic! But how do we treat it?
"There's nothing we can do."
Uh seriously?! I called him because he TOLD ME TO CALL if I felt WORSE than before.  And surprise! I do!
Plus I have a few questions for him.
"Well, what are your symptoms?"
I feel out of breath, extremely tired and horrible pain in my joints.
"Have you felt this before?"
Yeah, I've suffered from thyroid problems for over tens years, YES I've experienced this BEFORE!
"Yeah, but have you experienced this before?"
Are you serious?! I just told you YES I HAVE!!
"Well your symptoms have nothing to do with your thyroid."
Uh, I beg to differ. They HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH MY THYROID!

This went on forever. She's a fucking moron!
I was SO pissed off after the conversation. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Dave had come home early, from taking Violet to the dentist.
I found out she tore the waiting room apart- literally!
Ripped their plants apart, ripped tags off the chairs, jumped off the couches, tantrumed and screamed her head off!!!
So much so that another older patient in a wheelchair was terrified of her, starting screaming trying to roll himself away from her!
YEAH THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!
Dave couldn't handle her anymore and postponed the appointment.

I was upset, obviously at the way Violet reacted and also that she never got to see the dentist.
I've taken Violet by myself to so many doctor appointments, back when we lived in Manhattan. And she was a tyrant then too! But I made sure the doctor got to see her.
And I did it all by myself.

So I was really agitated yesterday.
I finally got a call from my doctor- not the nurse. The very first thing I said to him was
"Never ever ever make me talk to that nurse ever again!"
He seemed confused, and he was in the middle of eating, he asked "why?"
I answered "because I felt like I was being cranked. She's an idiot and really pissed me off."
I gave him examples of our conversation. All he said was "Oh. Okay."
We had a long talk about my thyroid.
He said that even though my blood tests were negative. I have an auto-immune disease.
Which one, he's not sure of.
But it's extremely rare for a female my age, to have such a small, under active thyroid without some type of auto immune disease causing it.
It's also very rare that I should be feeling this horrible on such a high dose of thyroid medication.
I told him, "You don't know me yet, but I promise you, you will see that everything extremely rare- happens to me. I'm a medical oddity, and have been told this many many times by many many doctors."
I asked him, if it's still possible that I have Lupus since I have all the symptoms including hair loss. He said it is possible, even though the tests are negative.

Right now my hair is falling out again, by itself. Levi's grabby hands don't help the matter. Plus I've been bruising really easily. Abnormally easily.
But as I've come to realize, everything about me is abnormal.
Lovely.

The doctor also said that if he ups my medication, I will have a heart attack!
So I'm going in next week, 3 weeks early, for another blood test.
So that I can SHOW HIM PROOF, how low my thyroid is right now.
I mentioned that, we had talked about the possible heart damage my thyroid has caused.
I asked him to recommend a heart doctor, in the same hospital, that he will work together with on my case, since I do have heart problems.

More doctors appointments, more craziness to come.

I felt so stressed yesterday, my back was killing me.
I was about to have a nervous fucking breakdown!!!
Money problems AND health problems galore!!!
I just can't take much more!!!

Just thought I should vent about this before it was purposely erased from my memory.
Levi had fever last night, but I thought it broke because he woke up drenched in sweat!
Well I was wrong, this morning- he woke up yet again with a high fever and the left side of his neck is swollen like a baseball!

I've been calling the doctor, but her office isn't open yet.
So I guess back to the doctor, we go.
And I was really looking forward to going to Lee's school and seeing my mama clan!
I'm exhausted and it's only 9 A.M!!!!

Kisses Bitches!
PLEASE let blessings come my way! I desperately need them!

Sick Eww GROSS!

Yes, it's true- I'm sick yet again. As are my children and my mother.
I feel really really sick, and I'm trying to fight it, because as you all know, moms don't ever have TIME to get sick.
We just don't. There isn't any "sick leave" or "sick days".
My job is 24/7 non-stop.
My kids don't stop, in fact when my kids are sick I have to work overtime. My son sticks to me like crazy glue.
I can't eat in peace, or even a hot meal.
Luckily- and I truly do mean lucky- Dave has really been stepping it up around the house and with the kids, these past few days.
I'm in shock!
And really happy to see that I have some help.
But mostly in shock.
He made me soup! I was like- ok, where'd you put Dave? Where's he hiding?
The kids were laughing, even though they were sick, their daddy was tickling them and playing with them.
Again, I'm shocked!
This is BRILLIANT!
On the other hand, I still feel like total and complete shit right now.
My heart is doing the weird thing again- the stopping and starting- for some unknown reason. Plus I'm lightheaded.
Jeez, I hate being sick.
I have an endocrinologist appointment on Wednesday, in the city.
I know from what every other doctor has told me, I will not be receiving any good news whatsoever. Oh joy.
I know I have SERIOUS thyroid issues. I know this.
The only questions I have is- What's causing it? And how do we fix it?
Seems simple, right?
NAH, NOT AT ALL.
Apparently I'm asking how can I hitchike to mars and make it back home by noon, or something.
I have to write a fucking list of all my health problems before I go there, because I know the minute I walk into the doctor's office, my mind goes completely BLANK.

Anywhoo-
just thought I'd write a quick little something to get back into the swing of things again.

Kisses Bitches!

One of the longest and best days ever!!!

Yesterday was a very long long day.
I hadn't slept in two whole days- so I was blurry eyed all day.
But it was a day of miracles!
Dave the night before, injured his wrist and knee, doing repairs in the apartment and was unable to come yesterday with me and Levi to his IFSP ( early intervention meeting) near Wall Street in the city at 9 in the morning.
I had to wake Kayla up much earlier than usual, around 6 a.m. because we had to leave at 7:30 to make sure we got to the meeting on time.
Kayla was going cross eyed since she was so exhausted.
I was wiped out! I hadn't slept in two days- Levi had been up every single hour for two nights in a row-
I didn't get to nap at all during those days- I had too many things to do.
The day before I took Levi and Dave to a new school- this school was for Levi- not Violet.
I fell in love with this school!
The people there, the place- everything.
I find that even though I've been through this process before- I still know absolutely NOTHING!
I'm learning new things every single day!!!!
There is so much out there for Autistic kids now, and their families!!!
It's beautiful!!
Anyways- back to yesterday-
The IFSP meeting went GREAT!!!
Everyone was on the same page.
Levi's new school ( he hasn't started yet) sent a coordinator to the meeting.
She was wonderful- and will help me get all the free services that are out there- for my kids!
Including getting straight medicaid! This would be a godsend! We've always had such a hard time finding doctors for my children that take our insurance.
She was so helpful! I knew- during that meeting- it was meant to be that I moved to Brooklyn.
Without moving here- I wouldn't have met these wonderful people.
The coordinator from the school, informed me about a "sitting service" ( like babysitting) for kids with autism!!! They take straight medicaid!!! It'll be a process to get all these services- but it gives me hope.
That maybe, just maybe, I could have some help. And get some relief!!!
I cried at the meeting- because I was so moved by everyone's help.
And they saw how I've been struggling.
Then again, I hadn't slept for two whole days!!!
This was by far the best IFSP meeting I ever had!!!
After the meeting we (Kayla, Levi and I) headed to McDonald's which was across the street for Violet's school.
There were only 3 kids in her class yesterday- so I bought Happy Meals for everyone!
For kids- that don't show emotion very well-
They sure looked happy to see McDonald's for lunch!!
One of Violet's best buddies CLAPPED for joy!!!
They are the best kids I've ever met- I love them all so much.
Lindsay, her best buddy came up to me and hugged me when she saw me!
This was Kayla's first time seeing Violet's school- she smiled from ear to ear the entire time we were there!!!
( about 3 hours!!)
Levi was allowed to play with all the toys and go to the sensory room.
He LOVED it so much!!!
And they loved him.
This is where Levi will go to school when he turns 3! For sure!
Violet was SO happy to see us there!!! We surprised her!!!
Apparently, she's been talking!!! Yup, talking in school.
She says some things- like- "Go away", "stop!", "cookie", she even tries to say her speech therapist's name- Stacey- but it sounds more like- "Ki-Ki"
She even has a communication board- with photos of words, objects and people she knows!!
Yesterday she pointed- by herself- to the "I" photo, "WANT" ( photo with the word on it) and "nuggets!" (photo of chicken nuggets!!!) When she wanted her chicken nuggets!!!!
I freaked out!!!!
She is so smart!!!
I cried- sobbed- when they showed me what she's been doing- and that she's been doing so well trying to communicate her wants and needs!!
It was a day of miracles for me.
You have no idea- what this day was like for me- emotionally.
To see, that my daughter understands things!!! Just made my heart explode!
The way home- wasn't has pleasant- it was freezing outside!!
And Kayla and I couldn't carry both the kids and the double stroller on the train/ or bus to go home. We needed a cab!
But no cab would take us to Brooklyn!
I was freaking out!! Violet was crying she was so cold- every place was jam packed with people- it was a nightmare-
I cut myself on the stroller and was bleeding all over my daughter while trying to keep her warm-
My blood all over her pants and jacket- it looked a bit like a horror movie after a while.
I scrambled all the loose change and money Kayla and I had- and FINALLY- Kayla got a gypsy cab.
He was wonderful- and definitely another miracle for me- yesterday!
He saved Kayla, my kids and I from frostbite.
I'd never seen Violet so cold before! EVER!
On the ride to home- I looked at Violet, and started talking with her.
I asked if she was excited we came to her school? Is Stacey her favorite?
And she did something she's never ever done before!
She looked me in the eye (EYE CONTACT!!!) and held my hand and snuggled with me- because I FINALLY understood her.
I'm getting teary eyed right now- writing this.
It's like she's been trying to tell me things all along- and I just didn't "get it".
But now I knew- she did understand- and she was happy.
That's all I ever needed to know.
She is my angel.
And of course Levi is too.
I thank God for them everyday- without them- I am nothing- truly.


Thanks for listening to my long freaking blog.

God bless you all,
I hope the holidays bring you everything you wish for and more!!!

*photo of Violet- very happy- at school. with her teacher and the classroom "smartboard" in the background.
She REALLY knows how to use the smartboard- perfectly.
One day- I would love to own a smartboard!! The day I win the lottery, right?!!!

Oh Lindsay.

I feel bad for Lindsay Lohan- yeah I SAID IT!
This is typical bipolar behavior- ALL of it.
Adderal..for A.D.H.D? Really? She has trouble "focusing?"
I've said this many times- MOST celebrities ARE bipolar.
They keep comparing Lindsay to Robert Downey Jr.- who is for a fact, BIPOLAR.
I miss the days Lindsay was a little girl, full of hope- like in The Parent Trap. I still like that movie- don't judge.
So many people have so much anger towards celebrities and the special treatment they get.
The anger to me- seems a lot more like jealousy. Which is SO SO sad.
They are called celebrities because they are celebrated by the public- and get special treatment from the public.
No one really understands what it's like to be hounded by the paparazzi, like they do.
I feel even though they get paid ungodly amounts of money, and are given special treatment, doesn't make it right for the paparazzi to treat these people like cattle. Shouting out obscene things to them to get a reaction and a good photo.
Lindsay- yes has made a lot of mistakes- I agree totally.
But it's very very easy for celebrities to make these mistakes when they are surrounded by "yes men". That don't tell them it's wrong, or a bad idea to do ________ fill in the blank. I mean all these "yes men" are making money off these celebrities.
And yes, I HAVE to talk about my darling Britney Spears.
I call her my darling- because boy do I feel bad for this girl. Everyone was calling her "crazy" and judging her- it was really sad- then when she made her comeback- all those same motherfuckers were saying how they always believed in her and never doubted her! What fuckers! Truly! Most of Hollywood is two-faced, sad to say.
The same people that want to see you burn and crash, will applaud you when you make a comeback. It's so fucked up!
And truthfully I don't care if you hate Britney because she lip-syncs and shit- she is a great entertainer- and always has been- for that reason. Believe me if everything I did was recorded, and in the papers- you'd all be hating me pretty fucking badly right now- that's for sure.

Sometimes I remember the things I've done, and just lay awake in bed hating myself. The only thing that calms me is knowing, I'm not that person anymore. And I struggle everyday to make sure I never become that selfish monster ever again.
It's hard enough to deal with your mistakes when they're NOT in the paper.
Plus I used to have such a crush on Britney- now I just feel so badly for her. I hope she gets the help she truly needs- and gets better.
I hope Lindsay gets the help she truly needs. Her family is so screwed up- all of her family members are using her- and making money off her misfortunes. It's so scary!
Thank G-d I have always had people helping me get better, and helping me WANT to get better.
Just yesterday I was reading an article on healthy recipes from celebrities for kids- and people's comments had NOTHING to do with the recipes- instead they were calling the celebrities "UGLY" and these horrible names. What's wrong with people?! They have nothing better to do than make other people feel bad about themselves?!
There's so much hatred out there for celebrities- I feel it's just plain wrong.
Famous people- are still PEOPLE- and have feelings. A lot of them are very very insecure- like "regular" people.
I hope Lindsay finds people that will help her get better, instead of using her.
Imagine your family made money off your mistakes? Or that every mistake you made was PUBLIC.
I wish these girls the best and I hope they will get better.

I feel jail won't help Lindsay one bit- did it "help" Paris Hilton??? Or Nicole Richie?

Truthfully it doesn't "wake up" any of these celebrities. The jail gives all of them special treatment anyways. Nothing is going to "wake up" these girls without the right kind of help!

And what they are doing is a call for help- but they're not getting it.

All the "yes men" need to GO! Including their "family". Family should be there to help, love and support you- not push you in the dirt.

When I came clean to my mother about SOME of the things I had done, she cried. To this day, I don't think she'll ever get over it. I remember telling her on the payphone while I was in the crazy ward. I felt nothing as I told her, I didn't even feel bad about it, or feel bad that my mom was crying and was disappointed in me. I was so fucked up during that time. The hospital didn't help me. They just drugged me up to the point I couldn't walk or talk. Yeah, that's how they "fix" you in hospitals.

Dave came to the hospital every day, as did my ex-girlfriend. Both of them I was not "with" at the time- but they still came to my aid- and helped me the best they could. I'd hurt them both really badly- but they were there- helping feed me, and keep me company.

Dave walked there back and forth every single day- 4 miles a day- because he hadn't any transportation money- for several weeks.

These are the kinds of people these celebrities need. People that want to see them get better- and aren't in it for the money or fame.

I wish them well. I think you should too. Otherwise- where did all your humanity go?

Thanks for listening.