This past weekend was stressful.
We all went to the city Saturday, packed with our kids and the double stroller.
It was fun at times- but overall more stressful than fun.
The kids were having meltdowns towards the end of the day.
Levi was trying to hit his head against the stroller, while screaming.
At the same exact time Violet was screaming.
Two screaming kids- I felt overwhelmed and very anxious.
Sunday we went to flatbush- the kids were tantruming most of the time- so we cut the day short- very short.
I got my nose pierced again, the fourth time in four years.
I just want to feel something, you know.
Feel happy. Feel good about myself and my life.
Is that too much to ask for?
You know what- don't answer that.
I already know the answer.
I'm frustrated. I feel I live for everyone else and not myself and I'm not talking about my children. That I understand completely.
The whole weekend while outside, I'm worrying if Dave and the kids are having a good time. No one cared, or even asked, if I was having a good time.
Levi's tantrums have gotten violent towards me-especially this past weekend- kicking and biting me. Violet's aggressive too.
I feel banged up and emotionally exhausted.
I feel like I'm doing this alone.
I know I said I don't censor myself- but I do- and I do it a lot in my blog- so I don't hurt anyone.
But most of the time I feel suffocated- like my feelings are being suffocated. I'm just pushing my feelings- and all of me- deep deep down inside- so far down I don't know what to feel anymore.
I'm scared of feeling that if I voice my opinion, bad things will happen.
I just want to feel happy again- I don't feel like myself anymore- and I haven't for a really really really long time.
I've been upset and couldn't bring myself to write about it. Even now I'm censoring myself-
and I apologize for that.
Maybe one day it will all be made clear.
At least I hope it will.